La Fin De La Fee Verte -- Episode Two -- "Climbing Over the Cliffs of Eternity"

[originalpuck]

Series: La Fin De La Fee Verte
Episode: Two (not necc. to have read ep. one)
Author: Morgan O'Friel / originalpuck

Rating: R
Genre: Queer Fiction, Dark Urban Fantasy
Notes: The joy of this series is that each episode is a complete story. Therefore, reading each episode isn't necessary to understand or enjoy the world and episode-in-question

Comments

[13_tezcatlipoca]

This seems really interesting, although there were a few things that distracted me while reading. My comments are not meant to offend, rather to convey a reader's reaction and humbly suggest areas for improvement...

Ultimately, I found myself being quite put out by the constant references made to the characters as "the blond" and "the brunette" and "the redhead". It became really jarring as I read it. "He" and wording things in such a way that who the "he" is that's doing the action is a much more invisible means of conveying what's going on; kind of like "he said" as opposed to "he postulated", "he choked out" and so on.

There's also a few repeat instances of words, um, like this:

"...exposing the tongue chain that he'd allow to hang loose dissect his tongue in illusory winds. "Thank you," Inoke's cracked tongue whispered, joining the iris, circled in its own heavy markers, as he flung it over the cliff, in memory of the night he'd broken himself searching the depths below, and probed the exploding sensation in his bitten tongue.

[originalpuck]

Thanks for the feedback! I always love hearing what people have to say! ^^

I can understand what you're saying about the hair-color being the descriptor, and I'll make sure to give some alternates weight (and eventually go back and change it).

((A little ironically: I had used the 'he said' strategy originally, and my beta said it was too confusing. So I changed it to hair color -- but I was being lazy, I think, by not varying it enough. ^^;; So I'll definitely get on that!))

Thanks for the repeat word catches, as well! Sometimes it's hard for me to catch them, so it's wonderful when someone else lets me know about it! ^^ I'll swing in and do some edits soon, and thanks!

As for the poll -- I'm glad to know how you feel about things. ^^ In general I agree with the writer doing what they love first, but you know how curiosity can get. And, well, sometimes, when I have no ideas, it's nice to have a fallback for inspiration. ^^

Thanks so much for the comments, and taking the time to help me out. ^^

[13_tezcatlipoca]

You are so very welcome, I'm glad to be of some help when I can be <3

It's been a while since I wrote third person fiction, but I still understand descriptors can be a pain in the--well, you know :P Think I managed okay in 'Narcissism' with the two male leads but it's been a while longer since I've even read that one ^^; Dancing with sentence structures can be fun (I actually mean that sincerely :D )

[onyx_demoness]

Oh, hey, I remember this!

...and now I know why I don't edit at three in the morning any more. I saw some things I missed, and whoops! Yeah, it's never nice to catch yourself in a mistake.

But anyway, I still love the concept, and the way the ending is vague as to happiness or not. It means my imagination can play wildly and I can be hopeless romantic and um, I can't think of a proper word for someone who enjoys a good cry from time to time but I can be that too.

I'm not voting in the poll, because update dates? Not a huge thing for me. That I get to see it at all is great, and also if the updates are unscheduled, they're more likely to happen after a bad day, which is really nice. ^^