[Harry Potter] [James/Teddy] Desire, Like A Monster.
Title: Desire, Like A Monster
Summary: It's a road movie, a double-feature, two boys striking out across America.
Characters/Pairings: James Sirius Potter, Teddy Lupin, James/Teddy
Genre: AU, romance.
Rating/Warnings: PG-13, swearing, misogynistic language.
Medium: Fic
Word Count: 3749
Notes: Written in the same verse as My Wayward Son, Adventure & The Girl Who Only Had The Road. A Supernatural fusion by nature, but you don't need to be familiar with the show to read this, it doesn't play a part at all. The third fic this month inspired heavily by Richard Siken and I have no shame.
It's a road movie, a double-feature, two boys striking out across America, while desire, like a monster, crawls up out of the lake with all of us watching, with all of us wondering if these two boys will find a way to figure it out. ~ Driving, Not Washing, Richard Siken
It was always kind of an admiration thing, the way James looked up to Teddy, Teddy with his jokes and make believe stories, Teddy and the fact he was one of the few people who knew the truth about what was out there. Even when James got older, old enough that Al looked up to him, Teddy was still cooler, better, teal green hair and piercings in his ear and a hidden tattoo on the back of his knee.
It stuck through Teddy going to college and James staying in shitty motels, cramped between Lily and Al and dad always never there, but it became something else. It became an escape, a note from Teddy that read if you need to escape, you can have my couch, and James taking him up on that offer even when it meant stealing a car and driving from Texas to California, even when it meant dropping Al and Lily at someone understanding because Dad was off saving people and hunting things.
It became a friendship on those weekends, a proper one, not a guy to look up to and the nerd who followed him around. James twisted his back and bruised himself sleeping on Teddy's shitty couch and smiled at the way Teddy kept postcards he'd sent from tourist traps on the fridge and told better jokes than Teddy, finally.
*
He doesn't know what makes him do it, doesn't know if it's the fact Lily's been in Chicago with Al for two weeks now and the car's too big for just one person, doesn't know if it's the fact he hasn't seen Teddy in a while, doesn't know if it's just because.
It's dark when he parks the car, the beer's a little lukewarm and the pizza a little cold, but Teddy still grins when he opens the door, sky blue hair now, a piercing through his nose and a bright splash of colour sneaking over his lower arm.
"What's the occasion?" He cracks the beers, pours them into plastic glasses printed with palm trees and sets cushions on the floor around the coffee table.
"I love you?" James picks a piece of pineapple from the pizza, drops it into his mouth and grins when Teddy slaps at his hands. "Fuck it, dude, I was bored and I've decided to kidnap you. It's time you saw the world's largest ball of twine."
"There's two," Teddy says. "I googled it." The air conditioning vibrates, ticks, screeches a little and then fades to background noise. One of the neighbors is shouting and a dog barks in the street.
"Pick one then." The beer's decent enough for something picked on the fact it was closest to hand in the fridge. "We'll go there." Teddy thinks for a moment, sucking at his teeth and picking cheese off his pizza.
"Darwin," he says. "In Minnesota." Another pause, he raps his knuckles against the coffee table and squirms on the floor, trying to get comfortable. "And I want to see the Cabazon dinosaurs."
*
Warm on a little too much beer, Teddy writes a list of the attractions he wants to see. He scrawls NO MONSTERS ALLOWED in red sharpie across the top, not even the little ones is in brackets below. James barely glances at the paper before he sellotapes it to the dashboard, pride of place above the radio, reflection dancing in the windscreen. If he was a lesser man, one not used to living in a car, it might be a distraction.
The list is ridiculous - dinosaurs, balls of twine and evil clowns, a UFO watchtower and a thing, more besides and things not written down that James wants to share anyway, things a life on the road shows you, and definitely no monsters.
Before they leave, he texts Lily, a quick kidnapping teddy, call me if you need anything - J . He doesn't tell her no monsters allowed, because she can handle herself, especially with Al there too, even if he's not James, he still had the same lessons growing up, the same life and if anything happens, anything that makes her call, he'll need to be there. Still, he turns everyone's but Lily and Al's ringtones to silent and throws his phone on the back seat, lost somewhere between their duffle bags.
"Ready to get going?" Teddy's slumped in the passenger seat, converse toed off and aviator sunglasses firmly in place. He glances over at James, smiling wide and bright even though James know he's hungover.
"Sure," he says. "Dinosaurs first, right?"
*
Teddy's first real taste of life on the road starts that night, with the motel James chooses. It's not the worst he's ever stayed in, but it's easy on his pocket - his pocket, because Teddy might know about the life, but he doesn't know about the life - and the blankets are suitably stained. It's not even themed, which makes it classy.
"Do they always get that look on their face if you ask for two queens?" Teddy says, legs stretched out across the bed. "Like they were too slow to come up with a hilariously unfunny joke?"
"Usually I'm with Lily." The TV is buzzing, barely showing a weather report through the static. "They always look a little bit confused. Especially if the only place we can find is pay by the hour."
"How many people have suggested she's a whore?" His head's pillowed on his wrists, shirt riding up to show a strip of lean stomach, a hint of muscle. James won't admit it, not yet, but he'd spent ten minutes in traffic tracing the curve of Teddy's biceps as he talked. If he'd have been caught, he'd have asked about the tattoos. He wasn't caught.
"I've broken four noses so far this year," James says, and that's more than enough of an answer.
*
They stop at Carhenge and sit in the shadow of the '62 Cadillac. They talk about pointless things, dream cars - '68 Firebirds and any GTO - and dream girls - that one they don't agree on, not even a little bit, and Teddy tries not to think about how red Teddy's lips look when he thinks, teeth sinking in to worry at the flesh.
"Tonight," he says, staring up at the sky. It's almost cloudless, faint white shapes breaking up the blue here and there, barely there at all, an afterthought. "We're eating at a proper diner." They'd eaten take away and fast food from California to Nebraska, familiar things because Teddy was paying. "You're going to risk food poisoning and I'll reward you with pie."
"Sounds good," Teddy says, and his hand brushes against James', little fingers pressed together for a moment, and James doesn't know what there is to think about that. "I expect a busty waitress and a terrible cup of coffee."
*
Their waitress isn't busty, but the coffee is awful, hot enough to scald and bitter enough to scrunch Teddy's face up. James is used to it, just sips it slow as Teddy fills his with creamer that smells a little funky and enough packets of sugar to rot all his teeth in one go.
"You must have a stomach of lead," Teddy says, when he's finally gotten his to an acceptably normal taste.
"This was like my breast milk, Teddy, I was weaned on it." They both know how much of a lie that is, but neither of them say anything. He watches Teddy chew through a handful of fries - decent enough, not the worst, not the best, decent enough. Edible, which is more than can be said for some of the things James has eaten.
"No wonder you guys went nuts for Gramma's stew." Any meat she could find, any vegetables too, enough to feed three growing children and herself, with leftovers for the dog. "It tasted like ass and you guys lapped that shit up."
"You know what ass tastes like?"
"I'm confident and secure in my sexuality," Teddy says, kicking his feet under the table at James. "I know what ass tastes like." And James laughs like it's funny, lets his smile crack his face and doesn't hide behind his coffee cup.
*
"I could drive." The sound of Teddy's voice brings James back to the real world. "Because you're going over the center line and honestly-"
"No," James says. "I drive."
"You're falling asleep, Jay." Teddy's voice is stern, he sounds so much like Lily bitching him out for never letting her drive. "I heard you tossing and turning all night." James doesn't say anything, doesn't let himself think that hey, that's the first time Teddy's ever called him Jay, he just thinks about driving and staying awake until he sees the sign for a rest stop ahead.
It's deserted when they pull in, nobody but a middle aged man smoking outside the building around. The truckers will be in soon, James thinks, with a glance at his watch, but they've never caused any trouble he didn't start.
"Wake me in an hour," he says, clambering over the seats to the back. He tucks his duffel under his head, packed so it's ready to be used at a moments notice, and props his boots against the window. He listens to Teddy for a while, the shuffling movements as he settles into his chair, swings open the door to stretch his legs, the slight huff of his breathing as he moves around. He falls asleep to those noises, to gentle movement and someone who isn't, for the first time in a long time, purposely annoying the shit out of him.
When he wakes up, Teddy has his bare feet up on the dashboard, a book open in his lap.
"Hey, James, listen to this," he says, thumbing through the pages without even glancing over his shoulder. "It's a road movie, a double-feature, two boys striking out across America," he recites, finger tracing the curve of the words, and James holds his breath because he's heard that poem before, in Lily's lilting voice, with a smile on her face and an isn't it beautiful when she finishes it, the book dog eared and well loved and tucked below the passenger seat, but Teddy doesn't finish it.
"Lily loves that guy," he says, instead, bites down on the urge to finish it for him as he opens the door to get back to the front seat. The clock tells him he's been asleep for three hours, and there's a bag of skittles open on the dashboard. "You ate?"
"Just candy," Teddy says. "And a bottle of water, and the guy in there, Jeff," he says. James assumes the man with the belly and the cigarette and the receding hairline. "Jeff says that we're not far from Iowa's largest frying pan, so we could probably get there before dark."
"Okay," James says, and turns the key in the ignition, and swallows a handful of skittles. Teddy drops the book to the floor, doesn't take his feet off the dashboard and James thinks of a monster he doesn't know how to kill.
*
James kisses Teddy just outside of Hershey, Pennsylvania. He doesn't mean to, it's just that he's drunk and all he can think of is foil wrapped chocolates that melt too quickly in his hands.
He's kissed his grandmother with more passion, but it's enough that he can't say it was an accident, can't explain away cupping Teddy's jaw in his hands and kissing him and when he pulls away, Teddy looks like he wants an explanation. He doesn't get one, doesn't get anything more than the door to the motel room slamming behind James as he goes to the car, his car, the only place he can have to himself anymore.
He sits in the dark, stretched out across the backseat, and fumbles for his phone. Lily's number one on speed dial these days, it used to be his dad but, but, he doesn't want to think about that so he focuses on the ringing of the phone instead.
"Is everything okay?" Lily doesn't sound worried, but there's an edge to her voice that James imagine only he can hear. She sounds perfectly fine, but there's a tinge of fear.
"Yeah," James says, hopes his voice isn't too slurred. "I'm fine." He hears the sigh of relief, hears her shuffle and move and get comfortable and he wonders if she's Al's sofa or in Al's spare room and how she hasn't gone mad from boredom yet. "I kissed Teddy." The words fall out in a rush and there's silence, a long moment where Lily doesn't say anything.
"So?" she says, finally. "Did you really call me to tell me you kissed a boy, James, because I thought I was the girl here."
"I didn't mean to." She's got a point, he thinks, that little voice in the back of the mind that tells him he's acting like a seven year old girl, all worked up over a boy. "I wanted to but I didn't mean to and it just happened and-"
"And now you're undoubtedly hiding in the car like an idiot." He can almost see her pinching the bridge of her nose, pulling her hair over her shoulder like she always does when he's being frustrating, when she's acting like his mom and not his baby sister, the one who's diapers he changed. "For fuck's sake, James, you fight monsters and you can't even tell one measly little guy you want to fuck him? Just pretend he's a girl or something, you don't have any problems with girls."
"Lily." His voice is a hiss, too loud in the shell of the car. "Jesus," he says, because that's not what it is even when that is what it is.
"He won't hate you, Jamie," she says. "He's not an asshole."
"I know that." He doesn't.
"I'm hanging up now." There's a pause. "Love you, Jamie," she says, and before James can say anything, she hangs up, leaves the dial tone ringing in his ear instead of something that sounds like home.
"You too," he says, to the car because there's nobody else to listen anymore. He stares out of the window, over his feet, stares at the light in the window from their motel room and wants to go in, wants to go in and talk and not talk at all, but he can still feel the buzz of alcohol in his veins, can still feel the roil of uncertainty in his stomach so he just sits, sits and stares and doesn't sleep and doesn't do anything at all.
*
Teddy doesn't mention the kiss in the morning, just comes out to the car with both of their duffel bags in his hands and grand ideas about what he wants to see today. He sings along with music as they drive, drums his fists against the dashboard in time with the beat like he's on a stage, not the passenger seat of a clunky car and it's like nothing happened at all. James stays quiet, answers questions when he has too and holds on too tightly to the steering wheel. Teddy doesn't say anything about that either, fills the silence with stories and jokes and random little facts about things James has never even heard of.
James is tempted, in a cruel little way that twists and turns in his mind, to head towards California and see how long it takes for Teddy to notice they're headed West. Not long, he thinks, because Teddy doesn't know the roads and maps and geography like he does. Couldn't find his way across the country blind and disorientated. He doesn't drive towards the sea, he keeps the car headed South and texts Teddy's funnier jokes to Lily one handed instead of laughing.
*
They argue about Gatorland versus Disney World - Teddy wants Gatorland because alligators, James, fucking alligators and James wants Disney World because he's never been, not once, and isn't that something you're supposed to do - and they frown at each other over the center console before they finally agree to go to both. They see men wrestle with alligators, and they wear hats with Mickey Mouse ears and they never admit that both parks were worth it, the same way they don't talk about a lot of other things. They laugh about a grown man who went pale at the sight of a snake and a little girl dancing on the feet of a princess, they laugh about James' scream at the top of a rollercoaster and the way Teddy fell in love with a python, and they don't talk about the spaces in between the moments, or the space in between them.
Teddy sleeps in the passenger seat after Disney World, mouse ears crooked on top of his head. The sun sets behind them, and James doesn't think about the feeling he's choking on.
There's a lot of things they don't do, he thinks instead, and barely a few that they do do.
*
He kisses Teddy again in New Orleans, sober this time, drunk on life maybe but he knows what he's doing when he tugs on the sleeves of Teddy's sweater and pulls him into a kiss. He doesn't know what to do when Teddy kisses him back, looping his hands around James' hips, holding him tight and close.
"You're a fucking idiot," Teddy says, when they pull away. Outside, a police car wails past. Somebody laughs in the hallway outside their room. The curtains blow in the breeze from the open window. "I'm surprised you can even manage to put your socks on without getting confused." He's still holding onto James, his fingers pressed into the space of his hips.
"Fuck you," James says, and leans in to kiss Teddy again.
*
The sun is rising as they set out, burning the car a golden red. Teddy glows in the sun, the colours of his tattoos brighter than ever as he holds his hand to the window.
It's one of those moments that twists James' stomach and makes him think things he's not quite ready to think yet, things that make him ignore the things he has to think about like how is this going to work and he's going back to California and Lily will come back soon. He can't see Teddy on the road and in motels forever, he can't see this ever being more than adventure, the same way he can't see himself in an apartment that's his with a normal job. That's not him and this isn't Teddy and that means something has to break, something has to be left behind, something's going to become just another part of their adventure.
He needs to think about it now, with the sun setting them on fire, because they've got a whole country between them and the future and by the time they reach the sea, he might be close to acceptance.
He drops a hand to his thigh, tries not to hold the steering wheel with a grasp made to strangle. He drums his fingers against his thigh, and as he does Teddy reaches over, settles his hand on top of James' and taps the same rhythm. It's gentle, he's not even looking, still staring out the window at the sky but it makes James' heart settle from it's desperate rhythm and he thinks, with the sky and the car and them on fire, that it's going to work out okay.
You're in a car with a beautiful boy, and he won't tell you that he loves you, but he loves you. And you feel like you've done something terrible, like robbed a liquor store, or swallowed pills, or shoveled yourself a grave in the dirt, and you're tired. You're in a car with a beautiful boy, and you're trying not to tell him that you love him, and you're trying to choke down the feeling and you're trembling, but he reaches over and he touches you, like a prayer for which no words exist, and you feel your heart taking root in your body, like you've discovered something you don't even have a name for. ~ You Are Jeff, Richard Siken
Summary: It's a road movie, a double-feature, two boys striking out across America.
Characters/Pairings: James Sirius Potter, Teddy Lupin, James/Teddy
Genre: AU, romance.
Rating/Warnings: PG-13, swearing, misogynistic language.
Medium: Fic
Word Count: 3749
Notes: Written in the same verse as My Wayward Son, Adventure & The Girl Who Only Had The Road. A Supernatural fusion by nature, but you don't need to be familiar with the show to read this, it doesn't play a part at all. The third fic this month inspired heavily by Richard Siken and I have no shame.
It's a road movie, a double-feature, two boys striking out across America, while desire, like a monster, crawls up out of the lake with all of us watching, with all of us wondering if these two boys will find a way to figure it out. ~ Driving, Not Washing, Richard Siken
It was always kind of an admiration thing, the way James looked up to Teddy, Teddy with his jokes and make believe stories, Teddy and the fact he was one of the few people who knew the truth about what was out there. Even when James got older, old enough that Al looked up to him, Teddy was still cooler, better, teal green hair and piercings in his ear and a hidden tattoo on the back of his knee.
It stuck through Teddy going to college and James staying in shitty motels, cramped between Lily and Al and dad always never there, but it became something else. It became an escape, a note from Teddy that read if you need to escape, you can have my couch, and James taking him up on that offer even when it meant stealing a car and driving from Texas to California, even when it meant dropping Al and Lily at someone understanding because Dad was off saving people and hunting things.
It became a friendship on those weekends, a proper one, not a guy to look up to and the nerd who followed him around. James twisted his back and bruised himself sleeping on Teddy's shitty couch and smiled at the way Teddy kept postcards he'd sent from tourist traps on the fridge and told better jokes than Teddy, finally.
*
He doesn't know what makes him do it, doesn't know if it's the fact Lily's been in Chicago with Al for two weeks now and the car's too big for just one person, doesn't know if it's the fact he hasn't seen Teddy in a while, doesn't know if it's just because.
It's dark when he parks the car, the beer's a little lukewarm and the pizza a little cold, but Teddy still grins when he opens the door, sky blue hair now, a piercing through his nose and a bright splash of colour sneaking over his lower arm.
"What's the occasion?" He cracks the beers, pours them into plastic glasses printed with palm trees and sets cushions on the floor around the coffee table.
"I love you?" James picks a piece of pineapple from the pizza, drops it into his mouth and grins when Teddy slaps at his hands. "Fuck it, dude, I was bored and I've decided to kidnap you. It's time you saw the world's largest ball of twine."
"There's two," Teddy says. "I googled it." The air conditioning vibrates, ticks, screeches a little and then fades to background noise. One of the neighbors is shouting and a dog barks in the street.
"Pick one then." The beer's decent enough for something picked on the fact it was closest to hand in the fridge. "We'll go there." Teddy thinks for a moment, sucking at his teeth and picking cheese off his pizza.
"Darwin," he says. "In Minnesota." Another pause, he raps his knuckles against the coffee table and squirms on the floor, trying to get comfortable. "And I want to see the Cabazon dinosaurs."
*
Warm on a little too much beer, Teddy writes a list of the attractions he wants to see. He scrawls NO MONSTERS ALLOWED in red sharpie across the top, not even the little ones is in brackets below. James barely glances at the paper before he sellotapes it to the dashboard, pride of place above the radio, reflection dancing in the windscreen. If he was a lesser man, one not used to living in a car, it might be a distraction.
The list is ridiculous - dinosaurs, balls of twine and evil clowns, a UFO watchtower and a thing, more besides and things not written down that James wants to share anyway, things a life on the road shows you, and definitely no monsters.
Before they leave, he texts Lily, a quick kidnapping teddy, call me if you need anything - J . He doesn't tell her no monsters allowed, because she can handle herself, especially with Al there too, even if he's not James, he still had the same lessons growing up, the same life and if anything happens, anything that makes her call, he'll need to be there. Still, he turns everyone's but Lily and Al's ringtones to silent and throws his phone on the back seat, lost somewhere between their duffle bags.
"Ready to get going?" Teddy's slumped in the passenger seat, converse toed off and aviator sunglasses firmly in place. He glances over at James, smiling wide and bright even though James know he's hungover.
"Sure," he says. "Dinosaurs first, right?"
*
Teddy's first real taste of life on the road starts that night, with the motel James chooses. It's not the worst he's ever stayed in, but it's easy on his pocket - his pocket, because Teddy might know about the life, but he doesn't know about the life - and the blankets are suitably stained. It's not even themed, which makes it classy.
"Do they always get that look on their face if you ask for two queens?" Teddy says, legs stretched out across the bed. "Like they were too slow to come up with a hilariously unfunny joke?"
"Usually I'm with Lily." The TV is buzzing, barely showing a weather report through the static. "They always look a little bit confused. Especially if the only place we can find is pay by the hour."
"How many people have suggested she's a whore?" His head's pillowed on his wrists, shirt riding up to show a strip of lean stomach, a hint of muscle. James won't admit it, not yet, but he'd spent ten minutes in traffic tracing the curve of Teddy's biceps as he talked. If he'd have been caught, he'd have asked about the tattoos. He wasn't caught.
"I've broken four noses so far this year," James says, and that's more than enough of an answer.
*
They stop at Carhenge and sit in the shadow of the '62 Cadillac. They talk about pointless things, dream cars - '68 Firebirds and any GTO - and dream girls - that one they don't agree on, not even a little bit, and Teddy tries not to think about how red Teddy's lips look when he thinks, teeth sinking in to worry at the flesh.
"Tonight," he says, staring up at the sky. It's almost cloudless, faint white shapes breaking up the blue here and there, barely there at all, an afterthought. "We're eating at a proper diner." They'd eaten take away and fast food from California to Nebraska, familiar things because Teddy was paying. "You're going to risk food poisoning and I'll reward you with pie."
"Sounds good," Teddy says, and his hand brushes against James', little fingers pressed together for a moment, and James doesn't know what there is to think about that. "I expect a busty waitress and a terrible cup of coffee."
*
Their waitress isn't busty, but the coffee is awful, hot enough to scald and bitter enough to scrunch Teddy's face up. James is used to it, just sips it slow as Teddy fills his with creamer that smells a little funky and enough packets of sugar to rot all his teeth in one go.
"You must have a stomach of lead," Teddy says, when he's finally gotten his to an acceptably normal taste.
"This was like my breast milk, Teddy, I was weaned on it." They both know how much of a lie that is, but neither of them say anything. He watches Teddy chew through a handful of fries - decent enough, not the worst, not the best, decent enough. Edible, which is more than can be said for some of the things James has eaten.
"No wonder you guys went nuts for Gramma's stew." Any meat she could find, any vegetables too, enough to feed three growing children and herself, with leftovers for the dog. "It tasted like ass and you guys lapped that shit up."
"You know what ass tastes like?"
"I'm confident and secure in my sexuality," Teddy says, kicking his feet under the table at James. "I know what ass tastes like." And James laughs like it's funny, lets his smile crack his face and doesn't hide behind his coffee cup.
*
"I could drive." The sound of Teddy's voice brings James back to the real world. "Because you're going over the center line and honestly-"
"No," James says. "I drive."
"You're falling asleep, Jay." Teddy's voice is stern, he sounds so much like Lily bitching him out for never letting her drive. "I heard you tossing and turning all night." James doesn't say anything, doesn't let himself think that hey, that's the first time Teddy's ever called him Jay, he just thinks about driving and staying awake until he sees the sign for a rest stop ahead.
It's deserted when they pull in, nobody but a middle aged man smoking outside the building around. The truckers will be in soon, James thinks, with a glance at his watch, but they've never caused any trouble he didn't start.
"Wake me in an hour," he says, clambering over the seats to the back. He tucks his duffel under his head, packed so it's ready to be used at a moments notice, and props his boots against the window. He listens to Teddy for a while, the shuffling movements as he settles into his chair, swings open the door to stretch his legs, the slight huff of his breathing as he moves around. He falls asleep to those noises, to gentle movement and someone who isn't, for the first time in a long time, purposely annoying the shit out of him.
When he wakes up, Teddy has his bare feet up on the dashboard, a book open in his lap.
"Hey, James, listen to this," he says, thumbing through the pages without even glancing over his shoulder. "It's a road movie, a double-feature, two boys striking out across America," he recites, finger tracing the curve of the words, and James holds his breath because he's heard that poem before, in Lily's lilting voice, with a smile on her face and an isn't it beautiful when she finishes it, the book dog eared and well loved and tucked below the passenger seat, but Teddy doesn't finish it.
"Lily loves that guy," he says, instead, bites down on the urge to finish it for him as he opens the door to get back to the front seat. The clock tells him he's been asleep for three hours, and there's a bag of skittles open on the dashboard. "You ate?"
"Just candy," Teddy says. "And a bottle of water, and the guy in there, Jeff," he says. James assumes the man with the belly and the cigarette and the receding hairline. "Jeff says that we're not far from Iowa's largest frying pan, so we could probably get there before dark."
"Okay," James says, and turns the key in the ignition, and swallows a handful of skittles. Teddy drops the book to the floor, doesn't take his feet off the dashboard and James thinks of a monster he doesn't know how to kill.
*
James kisses Teddy just outside of Hershey, Pennsylvania. He doesn't mean to, it's just that he's drunk and all he can think of is foil wrapped chocolates that melt too quickly in his hands.
He's kissed his grandmother with more passion, but it's enough that he can't say it was an accident, can't explain away cupping Teddy's jaw in his hands and kissing him and when he pulls away, Teddy looks like he wants an explanation. He doesn't get one, doesn't get anything more than the door to the motel room slamming behind James as he goes to the car, his car, the only place he can have to himself anymore.
He sits in the dark, stretched out across the backseat, and fumbles for his phone. Lily's number one on speed dial these days, it used to be his dad but, but, he doesn't want to think about that so he focuses on the ringing of the phone instead.
"Is everything okay?" Lily doesn't sound worried, but there's an edge to her voice that James imagine only he can hear. She sounds perfectly fine, but there's a tinge of fear.
"Yeah," James says, hopes his voice isn't too slurred. "I'm fine." He hears the sigh of relief, hears her shuffle and move and get comfortable and he wonders if she's Al's sofa or in Al's spare room and how she hasn't gone mad from boredom yet. "I kissed Teddy." The words fall out in a rush and there's silence, a long moment where Lily doesn't say anything.
"So?" she says, finally. "Did you really call me to tell me you kissed a boy, James, because I thought I was the girl here."
"I didn't mean to." She's got a point, he thinks, that little voice in the back of the mind that tells him he's acting like a seven year old girl, all worked up over a boy. "I wanted to but I didn't mean to and it just happened and-"
"And now you're undoubtedly hiding in the car like an idiot." He can almost see her pinching the bridge of her nose, pulling her hair over her shoulder like she always does when he's being frustrating, when she's acting like his mom and not his baby sister, the one who's diapers he changed. "For fuck's sake, James, you fight monsters and you can't even tell one measly little guy you want to fuck him? Just pretend he's a girl or something, you don't have any problems with girls."
"Lily." His voice is a hiss, too loud in the shell of the car. "Jesus," he says, because that's not what it is even when that is what it is.
"He won't hate you, Jamie," she says. "He's not an asshole."
"I know that." He doesn't.
"I'm hanging up now." There's a pause. "Love you, Jamie," she says, and before James can say anything, she hangs up, leaves the dial tone ringing in his ear instead of something that sounds like home.
"You too," he says, to the car because there's nobody else to listen anymore. He stares out of the window, over his feet, stares at the light in the window from their motel room and wants to go in, wants to go in and talk and not talk at all, but he can still feel the buzz of alcohol in his veins, can still feel the roil of uncertainty in his stomach so he just sits, sits and stares and doesn't sleep and doesn't do anything at all.
*
Teddy doesn't mention the kiss in the morning, just comes out to the car with both of their duffel bags in his hands and grand ideas about what he wants to see today. He sings along with music as they drive, drums his fists against the dashboard in time with the beat like he's on a stage, not the passenger seat of a clunky car and it's like nothing happened at all. James stays quiet, answers questions when he has too and holds on too tightly to the steering wheel. Teddy doesn't say anything about that either, fills the silence with stories and jokes and random little facts about things James has never even heard of.
James is tempted, in a cruel little way that twists and turns in his mind, to head towards California and see how long it takes for Teddy to notice they're headed West. Not long, he thinks, because Teddy doesn't know the roads and maps and geography like he does. Couldn't find his way across the country blind and disorientated. He doesn't drive towards the sea, he keeps the car headed South and texts Teddy's funnier jokes to Lily one handed instead of laughing.
*
They argue about Gatorland versus Disney World - Teddy wants Gatorland because alligators, James, fucking alligators and James wants Disney World because he's never been, not once, and isn't that something you're supposed to do - and they frown at each other over the center console before they finally agree to go to both. They see men wrestle with alligators, and they wear hats with Mickey Mouse ears and they never admit that both parks were worth it, the same way they don't talk about a lot of other things. They laugh about a grown man who went pale at the sight of a snake and a little girl dancing on the feet of a princess, they laugh about James' scream at the top of a rollercoaster and the way Teddy fell in love with a python, and they don't talk about the spaces in between the moments, or the space in between them.
Teddy sleeps in the passenger seat after Disney World, mouse ears crooked on top of his head. The sun sets behind them, and James doesn't think about the feeling he's choking on.
There's a lot of things they don't do, he thinks instead, and barely a few that they do do.
*
He kisses Teddy again in New Orleans, sober this time, drunk on life maybe but he knows what he's doing when he tugs on the sleeves of Teddy's sweater and pulls him into a kiss. He doesn't know what to do when Teddy kisses him back, looping his hands around James' hips, holding him tight and close.
"You're a fucking idiot," Teddy says, when they pull away. Outside, a police car wails past. Somebody laughs in the hallway outside their room. The curtains blow in the breeze from the open window. "I'm surprised you can even manage to put your socks on without getting confused." He's still holding onto James, his fingers pressed into the space of his hips.
"Fuck you," James says, and leans in to kiss Teddy again.
*
The sun is rising as they set out, burning the car a golden red. Teddy glows in the sun, the colours of his tattoos brighter than ever as he holds his hand to the window.
It's one of those moments that twists James' stomach and makes him think things he's not quite ready to think yet, things that make him ignore the things he has to think about like how is this going to work and he's going back to California and Lily will come back soon. He can't see Teddy on the road and in motels forever, he can't see this ever being more than adventure, the same way he can't see himself in an apartment that's his with a normal job. That's not him and this isn't Teddy and that means something has to break, something has to be left behind, something's going to become just another part of their adventure.
He needs to think about it now, with the sun setting them on fire, because they've got a whole country between them and the future and by the time they reach the sea, he might be close to acceptance.
He drops a hand to his thigh, tries not to hold the steering wheel with a grasp made to strangle. He drums his fingers against his thigh, and as he does Teddy reaches over, settles his hand on top of James' and taps the same rhythm. It's gentle, he's not even looking, still staring out the window at the sky but it makes James' heart settle from it's desperate rhythm and he thinks, with the sky and the car and them on fire, that it's going to work out okay.
You're in a car with a beautiful boy, and he won't tell you that he loves you, but he loves you. And you feel like you've done something terrible, like robbed a liquor store, or swallowed pills, or shoveled yourself a grave in the dirt, and you're tired. You're in a car with a beautiful boy, and you're trying not to tell him that you love him, and you're trying to choke down the feeling and you're trembling, but he reaches over and he touches you, like a prayer for which no words exist, and you feel your heart taking root in your body, like you've discovered something you don't even have a name for. ~ You Are Jeff, Richard Siken