Finally, quiet
This week has put me so far behind with work, I'm going to be here late tonight, so here I am, at ten o'clock, taking a break. That somewhat suggests what kind of night I'm having. But it gives me a chance to put some thoughts into words.
Tuesday morning, after the second enormous fight in as many days, some things clicked for me. This fight at least had a better ending than the first and it got me thinking about the men in my life. I realized all I want at this point is casual. I don't want a relationship. It's too late for those.
I realized my motivations for getting involved with Clarke were wrong and true to character, I was reckless with him. He is the sweetest, most good-hearted person I have ever had the pleasure of meeting. And for the record, I have not lied to him. I just think he deserves so much more than what I'm able and willing to give him. He deserves someone who can make a life with him and who can devote herself completely to him the same way he's so easily able to do. But just because I think this, it doesn't mean it doesn't still hurt.
And maybe it hurts more because I know he can be what I want. What I want is to just be able to love on someone freely and to be with him just for the sake of being. But I won't let myself let him be that guy. I'm done misleading him. He'd just fall into that placeholder role I wrongly put him into before. This is where my motivations went wrong. I wanted him to force me into moving on. It didn't work.
I'm done with the games and the leashes and pushing and pulling. I'm just going to bite my tongue and watch them both from a distance. And already this sucks.
Tuesday morning, after the second enormous fight in as many days, some things clicked for me. This fight at least had a better ending than the first and it got me thinking about the men in my life. I realized all I want at this point is casual. I don't want a relationship. It's too late for those.
I realized my motivations for getting involved with Clarke were wrong and true to character, I was reckless with him. He is the sweetest, most good-hearted person I have ever had the pleasure of meeting. And for the record, I have not lied to him. I just think he deserves so much more than what I'm able and willing to give him. He deserves someone who can make a life with him and who can devote herself completely to him the same way he's so easily able to do. But just because I think this, it doesn't mean it doesn't still hurt.
And maybe it hurts more because I know he can be what I want. What I want is to just be able to love on someone freely and to be with him just for the sake of being. But I won't let myself let him be that guy. I'm done misleading him. He'd just fall into that placeholder role I wrongly put him into before. This is where my motivations went wrong. I wanted him to force me into moving on. It didn't work.
I'm done with the games and the leashes and pushing and pulling. I'm just going to bite my tongue and watch them both from a distance. And already this sucks.