Update, finally! Original fiction, humor, satirical look at fairy-tales and very old.
Fairy Tale - I Think Not!
This is not a story about marmalade or molasses. Wait, why am I saying that? It should be obvious that this is not a story about them. But they are mentioned quite frequently, so I guess I’d better point that out. Anyway, this is not a story about marmalade or molasses. I said that already, didn’t I? I’ll just start again, and this time I’ll be serious.
This is not a story about a helpless princess and knight in shining armor. If that is the kind of story you are looking for, sorry, but you’ll have to look somewhere else. I used to be one of those princesses that just sat around waiting for a prince, but then everything changed. And in between getting shot at, getting set on fire, getting cursed and generally being the target of assassination attempts, I realized that everything changed for the better. This is my story. The story of a girl who upset the social structure of an entire fairy tale world, merely by insisting on punctuality.
The name’s Malin. If you’re a commoner, that’s Princess Malin, and if you’re a noble, it’s still Princess Malin. Most stories don’t have a clear beginning but I remember exactly when my story began. It started when I realized that I had already been waiting seven years to be rescued. In case you don’t know, I was trapped in a glass tower, and guarded by a fire-breathing dragon, since some witch was bent on punishing my father and apparently decided that my father would actually miss me.
Anyway, so there I was, locked up in a glass tower. Well, actually, it was a mirrored tower, since a glass tower would have left me absolutely no privacy. Mirrored towers have the additional advantage that anybody trying to rescue me would have to be careful not to break the mirrors, else they would be cursed for seven years. Hey, this is the fairy tale world where curses exist, and princesses are as common as peas. Sometimes I wonder how any work ever gets done, with everyone either being a princess, a princess in disguise, or getting married to a prince.
To get back on track, there I was, locked in a tower. Prince Charming, a prince of a neighboring country was supposed to rescue me by my 16th birthday, but he was a little late, not much though, only about one year. I sulked about it for a month or so, and decided to do something about it. I had never tried talking to the dragon before, mainly because something about the idea of being flamed to a small pile of royal ashes didn’t really appeal to me, but also because she (and yes, she is a female dragon) didn’t really come too close to the castle. I was in that mood where I was so ticked off that I would try anything, and that included talking to reclusive dragons.
“HEY! You there, with the smart purple scales!” I leaned out of the window and bellowed, hoping that she would be flattered by the ‘smart’ comment. She looked around, as if there were actually any other dragons there, and then approached. Close up, she actually looked quite intelligent, although the tree in her mouth was a bit distracting.
“Were you addressing me, Princess?” She sneered. Perfect, I’m being guarded by a fire-breathing dragon that dislikes me.
“Look, you’ve been guarding me for seven years already, right?” I asked her. She shook her head. “No?” I asked, surprised since I could have sworn that it was at least seven years.
“I went for a short break after your 12th birthday but another dragon flew in to cover for me so it didn’t really matter.” She explained. I was nonplussed for a second, and then continued with my hopefully persuasive speech.
“Look, you’ve been guarding me for just under seven years, come rain or snow or -“
“We don’t get snow in these parts.”
“Okay, fine, you’ve been guarding me for almost seven years, ever since I was a young child, and what will you have to show for it when it’s over? Nothing! You might expect to get a badge, or maybe a plaque, but you won’t get anything! In fact, you know what’ll happen? You’ll get killed by some prince that doesn’t know how to do anything except sit on a horse, and even then he’s probably tied onto the horse!” I stopped to take a breath, only find her regarding me in a disconcertingly thoughtful way.
“Actually, if he’s that stupid, isn’t it more likely that I’ll kill him?” She asked politely. I had to admit that she did have a point there.
“That’s not the point. The point is that a prince is going to come along sooner or later and kill you!” I shrieked, mock hysterically.
“Not if I kill him first...” She murmured and then laughed, making the earth shake. From the strength she displayed while merely chuckling, it was evident why she believed that she could dispatch any puny prince that was sent against her. A bit discouraged, I decided to try again.
“Maybe, but that isn’t the point, the point is-WILL YOU STOP MUNCHING ON THAT TREE! It’s impolite to pick your teeth in public!” I snapped, unable to concentrate since she seemed to be intent on grinding the tree into shreds. The dragon gazed at me reproachfully.
“I wasn’t picking my teeth. I was eating when you called. This tree happens to be my last course. “ She explained patiently. I was about to continue, when I did a double take at the idea of a vegetarian dragon. Traditionally, the dragons ate either princesses of blood royal, or any form of meat. I decided that I should investigate further before continuing with my recruitment of her.
“Wait, let me get this straight. Instead of being a carnivore, like most self-respecting dragons, you eat trees?” I asked in disbelief. She rolled her huge eyes, which made me feel slightly seasick, then continued.
“No, I do not eat trees, as you so crudely put it. I intake necessary minerals and vitamins through foliage mastication.” She said haughtily. I blinked, and then processed the information.
“Well, yes, I’m sure that you do, but in normal language doesn’t that mean that you eat trees?” I said sweetly, in my most reasonable tone of voice.
“Look, why do you think that I was hired for this job? Because they trusted me not to eat you. I don’t think that they care what else I eat so why do you?!” She snapped, flaring her wings menacingly. I backed off a bit, and decided to get back on track.
“Anyway, why do you want to guard me? I’m not worth getting killed over! Go fly away and save yourself!” I declared dramatically, flinging my arms out to the skies, and almost falling off the balcony. I was saved from utter humiliation by a duck that flew up out of nowhere, and then flew straight up into the sky. Those kinds of things tend to happen when you’re a princess, for heaven forbid that I should break one of my perfectly treated eyelashes (I bet you thought that I was going to say nails, didn’t you?).
The dragon was looking thoughtful again. Or possibly, she had a splinter in her mouth. With dragons, it’s hard to tell. She furled her wings back, accidentally knocking over a tree as she did so.
“Princess, instead of trying to inspire me, how about you just tell me what you want?” She suggested respectfully, in a tone of long-suffering patience. I was a bit taken back. Apparently I had underestimated her intelligence, or overestimated my own powers of persuasion. I was inclined towards the former, but the latter seemed more believable. I quickly thought of what to reply. For some strange reason, most of my possible answers involved either marmalade or molasses.
“Well, it’s a long story, but basically I want you to leave me alone and stop guarding me.” She frowned at that.
“Why?”
“Because the stupid, inbred, lice-infested son of a mangy she-camel who passes as a prince happens to be a year late to rescue me. Therefore, I have decided that I am not willing to wait any longer. He can go rescue some other princess since I am leaving this mirror tower.”
“But I can’t leave you alone. I swore a solemn oath to guard you, and be with you. If you leave, I shall have to leave too.” My mind raced. This was an unexpected bonus. Having my own personal dragon around would be a huge help, and would definitely discourage any potential bandits.
“In that case, you may leave with me. I’m going to pack my essentials, and then we can leave. I hear that there is an evil sorceress nearby whom we can visit, and defeat.” I rushed around, trying desperately to pack all the essentials (books, maps, and money). I finished packing, but had the strangest feeling of neglecting something. Then it struck me. I had forgotten to pack clothes. I quickly unpacked and repacked, until I had a good mix of stuff, including a jar of marmalade.
“Oh Princess, you might want to come and see this…” The dragon sang out in a singsong voice. I rushed out to the balcony, and leapt onto her back. Then, and only then, did I look at what she as pointing to. Coming up the road, in all his knock-kneed, spindly-armed, weak-chinned, hare-teethed glory, was my very own Prince Charming. What’s more, he was riding what looked like a raggedy scarecrow, but on closer inspection turned out to be a mule. A very old mule, without any teeth, unless those yellow corn-cob-like lumps were teeth. He spotted me at about the same time I shied away in disgust, and falling off his horse, began his speech.
“Fair princess, whose beauty doth shine like the radiant moon who sails across the endless night sky, I am thine rescuer! Fear not, for I shall slay the evil dragon, and thou shallst live a life of liberty, with me at your side!” He struck what was probably meant to be a heroic pose, but since he was still entangled in the reins of the mule, it merely looked stupid. To make matters worse, the mule hadn’t stopped when the ‘prince’ had fallen off, and had continued walking, so the speech had been interposed with ‘oofs’ as various roadside debris struck him. The speech wasn’t that great either. Whoever wrote it for him should be fired, I mean, really! Only one simile, which was seriously overextended, and as for a ‘life of liberty’, if he was at my side, it would be worse of an imprisonment than the tower.
“I hate to be the one to break it to you, but I’ve already been rescued. I do not require your services. Nor did I ever require them. And it’s a good thing that I didn’t, since you happen to be a whole year late!” I yelled angrily at him. He might have been abashed, but since he was trying to get his helmet (which resembled nothing so much as a tin pot) off his head, I couldn’t really tell. Finally, with a loud clanging noise, he managed to remove it.
“But Princess, I don’t understand. Where is your rescuer, and why can’t he just shove off and find his own princess?” he queried rather crossly. “And it isn’t my fault that I’m late. I was going to be right on time, but then I fell asleep and slept right through the year!” That had to be the lamest excuse that I had ever heard for failing to rescue a princess, although the typical -I-was-eaten-alive-by-a-dragon came fairly close.
“I rescued myself. I got sick of waiting for you, and decided punctuality is just too important to me to ever settle for anyone that would prefer to sleep than to rescue me. I mean, imagine if I was in trouble, what would I have to do to get you to rescue me, send you an alarm clock?”
“Yes, but the whole point of being rescued by a prince is to get a boyfriend! You can’t go home without one, they’ll never accept that you rescued yourself, you’d be breaking centuries of tradition!” The dragon had been getting kind of restless, and decided to interrupt.
“Hey, I hear that there’s a sleeping beauty chick a few kingdoms down who’s been sleeping for the last few decades. I don’t think that there is any possible way that you could be too late for her. Plus, she likes sleeping so you two already have stuff in common, right?”
“Yeah, she sounds cool. Where did you say she was?” he asked her, sounding more than a little interested.
“East of the Sun, and West of the Moon. Once you get there, follow the yellow brick road. You can’t miss it.” The dragon reported.
“Right, so bye then. Thanks for the tip, and I won’t forget you.” Rather pointedly, he didn’t mention me, I noticed. Not that I really cared of course, why would I care about what a total loser thought? Okay, so I did care. It’s always nice to be liked, and the way he got over me so fast, was just a teensy bit insulting. It’s strange how girls always like attention, even if it’s from someone you despise.
I suddenly realized that while I had been thinking, the dragon had taken off. It had been so smooth that I hadn’t even noticed. I’m not going to tell you about the flight, because nothing really happened. We flew, we flew, we flew, and then to relieve the monotony, we flew some more! Finally, after all this flying, we reached the palace of the evil sorceress! Actually, it looked not so much intimidating as weird. Not scary-evil-dungeons weird, which was socially acceptable, but the weirdness that only exist when intelligent people lapse into insanity.
Suddenly, I felt a sinking sensation in the pit of my stomach as I began to suspect that this might not be as easy as I thought it would be.
This is not a story about marmalade or molasses. Wait, why am I saying that? It should be obvious that this is not a story about them. But they are mentioned quite frequently, so I guess I’d better point that out. Anyway, this is not a story about marmalade or molasses. I said that already, didn’t I? I’ll just start again, and this time I’ll be serious.
This is not a story about a helpless princess and knight in shining armor. If that is the kind of story you are looking for, sorry, but you’ll have to look somewhere else. I used to be one of those princesses that just sat around waiting for a prince, but then everything changed. And in between getting shot at, getting set on fire, getting cursed and generally being the target of assassination attempts, I realized that everything changed for the better. This is my story. The story of a girl who upset the social structure of an entire fairy tale world, merely by insisting on punctuality.
The name’s Malin. If you’re a commoner, that’s Princess Malin, and if you’re a noble, it’s still Princess Malin. Most stories don’t have a clear beginning but I remember exactly when my story began. It started when I realized that I had already been waiting seven years to be rescued. In case you don’t know, I was trapped in a glass tower, and guarded by a fire-breathing dragon, since some witch was bent on punishing my father and apparently decided that my father would actually miss me.
Anyway, so there I was, locked up in a glass tower. Well, actually, it was a mirrored tower, since a glass tower would have left me absolutely no privacy. Mirrored towers have the additional advantage that anybody trying to rescue me would have to be careful not to break the mirrors, else they would be cursed for seven years. Hey, this is the fairy tale world where curses exist, and princesses are as common as peas. Sometimes I wonder how any work ever gets done, with everyone either being a princess, a princess in disguise, or getting married to a prince.
To get back on track, there I was, locked in a tower. Prince Charming, a prince of a neighboring country was supposed to rescue me by my 16th birthday, but he was a little late, not much though, only about one year. I sulked about it for a month or so, and decided to do something about it. I had never tried talking to the dragon before, mainly because something about the idea of being flamed to a small pile of royal ashes didn’t really appeal to me, but also because she (and yes, she is a female dragon) didn’t really come too close to the castle. I was in that mood where I was so ticked off that I would try anything, and that included talking to reclusive dragons.
“HEY! You there, with the smart purple scales!” I leaned out of the window and bellowed, hoping that she would be flattered by the ‘smart’ comment. She looked around, as if there were actually any other dragons there, and then approached. Close up, she actually looked quite intelligent, although the tree in her mouth was a bit distracting.
“Were you addressing me, Princess?” She sneered. Perfect, I’m being guarded by a fire-breathing dragon that dislikes me.
“Look, you’ve been guarding me for seven years already, right?” I asked her. She shook her head. “No?” I asked, surprised since I could have sworn that it was at least seven years.
“I went for a short break after your 12th birthday but another dragon flew in to cover for me so it didn’t really matter.” She explained. I was nonplussed for a second, and then continued with my hopefully persuasive speech.
“Look, you’ve been guarding me for just under seven years, come rain or snow or -“
“We don’t get snow in these parts.”
“Okay, fine, you’ve been guarding me for almost seven years, ever since I was a young child, and what will you have to show for it when it’s over? Nothing! You might expect to get a badge, or maybe a plaque, but you won’t get anything! In fact, you know what’ll happen? You’ll get killed by some prince that doesn’t know how to do anything except sit on a horse, and even then he’s probably tied onto the horse!” I stopped to take a breath, only find her regarding me in a disconcertingly thoughtful way.
“Actually, if he’s that stupid, isn’t it more likely that I’ll kill him?” She asked politely. I had to admit that she did have a point there.
“That’s not the point. The point is that a prince is going to come along sooner or later and kill you!” I shrieked, mock hysterically.
“Not if I kill him first...” She murmured and then laughed, making the earth shake. From the strength she displayed while merely chuckling, it was evident why she believed that she could dispatch any puny prince that was sent against her. A bit discouraged, I decided to try again.
“Maybe, but that isn’t the point, the point is-WILL YOU STOP MUNCHING ON THAT TREE! It’s impolite to pick your teeth in public!” I snapped, unable to concentrate since she seemed to be intent on grinding the tree into shreds. The dragon gazed at me reproachfully.
“I wasn’t picking my teeth. I was eating when you called. This tree happens to be my last course. “ She explained patiently. I was about to continue, when I did a double take at the idea of a vegetarian dragon. Traditionally, the dragons ate either princesses of blood royal, or any form of meat. I decided that I should investigate further before continuing with my recruitment of her.
“Wait, let me get this straight. Instead of being a carnivore, like most self-respecting dragons, you eat trees?” I asked in disbelief. She rolled her huge eyes, which made me feel slightly seasick, then continued.
“No, I do not eat trees, as you so crudely put it. I intake necessary minerals and vitamins through foliage mastication.” She said haughtily. I blinked, and then processed the information.
“Well, yes, I’m sure that you do, but in normal language doesn’t that mean that you eat trees?” I said sweetly, in my most reasonable tone of voice.
“Look, why do you think that I was hired for this job? Because they trusted me not to eat you. I don’t think that they care what else I eat so why do you?!” She snapped, flaring her wings menacingly. I backed off a bit, and decided to get back on track.
“Anyway, why do you want to guard me? I’m not worth getting killed over! Go fly away and save yourself!” I declared dramatically, flinging my arms out to the skies, and almost falling off the balcony. I was saved from utter humiliation by a duck that flew up out of nowhere, and then flew straight up into the sky. Those kinds of things tend to happen when you’re a princess, for heaven forbid that I should break one of my perfectly treated eyelashes (I bet you thought that I was going to say nails, didn’t you?).
The dragon was looking thoughtful again. Or possibly, she had a splinter in her mouth. With dragons, it’s hard to tell. She furled her wings back, accidentally knocking over a tree as she did so.
“Princess, instead of trying to inspire me, how about you just tell me what you want?” She suggested respectfully, in a tone of long-suffering patience. I was a bit taken back. Apparently I had underestimated her intelligence, or overestimated my own powers of persuasion. I was inclined towards the former, but the latter seemed more believable. I quickly thought of what to reply. For some strange reason, most of my possible answers involved either marmalade or molasses.
“Well, it’s a long story, but basically I want you to leave me alone and stop guarding me.” She frowned at that.
“Why?”
“Because the stupid, inbred, lice-infested son of a mangy she-camel who passes as a prince happens to be a year late to rescue me. Therefore, I have decided that I am not willing to wait any longer. He can go rescue some other princess since I am leaving this mirror tower.”
“But I can’t leave you alone. I swore a solemn oath to guard you, and be with you. If you leave, I shall have to leave too.” My mind raced. This was an unexpected bonus. Having my own personal dragon around would be a huge help, and would definitely discourage any potential bandits.
“In that case, you may leave with me. I’m going to pack my essentials, and then we can leave. I hear that there is an evil sorceress nearby whom we can visit, and defeat.” I rushed around, trying desperately to pack all the essentials (books, maps, and money). I finished packing, but had the strangest feeling of neglecting something. Then it struck me. I had forgotten to pack clothes. I quickly unpacked and repacked, until I had a good mix of stuff, including a jar of marmalade.
“Oh Princess, you might want to come and see this…” The dragon sang out in a singsong voice. I rushed out to the balcony, and leapt onto her back. Then, and only then, did I look at what she as pointing to. Coming up the road, in all his knock-kneed, spindly-armed, weak-chinned, hare-teethed glory, was my very own Prince Charming. What’s more, he was riding what looked like a raggedy scarecrow, but on closer inspection turned out to be a mule. A very old mule, without any teeth, unless those yellow corn-cob-like lumps were teeth. He spotted me at about the same time I shied away in disgust, and falling off his horse, began his speech.
“Fair princess, whose beauty doth shine like the radiant moon who sails across the endless night sky, I am thine rescuer! Fear not, for I shall slay the evil dragon, and thou shallst live a life of liberty, with me at your side!” He struck what was probably meant to be a heroic pose, but since he was still entangled in the reins of the mule, it merely looked stupid. To make matters worse, the mule hadn’t stopped when the ‘prince’ had fallen off, and had continued walking, so the speech had been interposed with ‘oofs’ as various roadside debris struck him. The speech wasn’t that great either. Whoever wrote it for him should be fired, I mean, really! Only one simile, which was seriously overextended, and as for a ‘life of liberty’, if he was at my side, it would be worse of an imprisonment than the tower.
“I hate to be the one to break it to you, but I’ve already been rescued. I do not require your services. Nor did I ever require them. And it’s a good thing that I didn’t, since you happen to be a whole year late!” I yelled angrily at him. He might have been abashed, but since he was trying to get his helmet (which resembled nothing so much as a tin pot) off his head, I couldn’t really tell. Finally, with a loud clanging noise, he managed to remove it.
“But Princess, I don’t understand. Where is your rescuer, and why can’t he just shove off and find his own princess?” he queried rather crossly. “And it isn’t my fault that I’m late. I was going to be right on time, but then I fell asleep and slept right through the year!” That had to be the lamest excuse that I had ever heard for failing to rescue a princess, although the typical -I-was-eaten-alive-by-a-dragon came fairly close.
“I rescued myself. I got sick of waiting for you, and decided punctuality is just too important to me to ever settle for anyone that would prefer to sleep than to rescue me. I mean, imagine if I was in trouble, what would I have to do to get you to rescue me, send you an alarm clock?”
“Yes, but the whole point of being rescued by a prince is to get a boyfriend! You can’t go home without one, they’ll never accept that you rescued yourself, you’d be breaking centuries of tradition!” The dragon had been getting kind of restless, and decided to interrupt.
“Hey, I hear that there’s a sleeping beauty chick a few kingdoms down who’s been sleeping for the last few decades. I don’t think that there is any possible way that you could be too late for her. Plus, she likes sleeping so you two already have stuff in common, right?”
“Yeah, she sounds cool. Where did you say she was?” he asked her, sounding more than a little interested.
“East of the Sun, and West of the Moon. Once you get there, follow the yellow brick road. You can’t miss it.” The dragon reported.
“Right, so bye then. Thanks for the tip, and I won’t forget you.” Rather pointedly, he didn’t mention me, I noticed. Not that I really cared of course, why would I care about what a total loser thought? Okay, so I did care. It’s always nice to be liked, and the way he got over me so fast, was just a teensy bit insulting. It’s strange how girls always like attention, even if it’s from someone you despise.
I suddenly realized that while I had been thinking, the dragon had taken off. It had been so smooth that I hadn’t even noticed. I’m not going to tell you about the flight, because nothing really happened. We flew, we flew, we flew, and then to relieve the monotony, we flew some more! Finally, after all this flying, we reached the palace of the evil sorceress! Actually, it looked not so much intimidating as weird. Not scary-evil-dungeons weird, which was socially acceptable, but the weirdness that only exist when intelligent people lapse into insanity.
Suddenly, I felt a sinking sensation in the pit of my stomach as I began to suspect that this might not be as easy as I thought it would be.