Poor Kaku.
Title: Gay Vibes
Characters: Most of CP9
Rating: PG-13 (language and sex talk)
Word Count: 1,500
Summary: Jyabura makes an offhand observation regarding Kaku's sexual orientation. It is not met kindly. Discussion ensues. (Massive, massive crack.)
Kaku stepped into the break room and waved to its occupants in salutation. “Morning,” he said brightly.
“You know you just radiate waves of homosexuality?” Jyabura blurted.
Kaku halted mid-step and paused for several seconds before glancing over his shoulder at Jyabura, who was sitting on the couch with his arms flung over the back, looking at him with a completely blank and unruffled expression.
“Well, you do,” he added after a moment of dead silence.
“…what?” was all Kaku could think to say.
“You do!” Jyabura insisted, seeming mildly affronted that this information was not simply accepted, as he apparently assumed the case ought to be.
“I…” Kaku began, and paused for a moment, ineffectually working his jaw. “I just wanted some coffee,” he concluded weakly.
Jyabura shrugged. “I just had to say it. It’s like the tag in the back of somebody’s shirt is sticking out-you just gotta say something in case they don’t notice, you know?”
Kaku still hadn’t regained the ability to do anything but stare. He looked to Kalifa, reading the morning paper in her chair, for assistance; it took her a few seconds to realize that his desperate stare was directed at her and the end of a paragraph to look up and acknowledge it with a raised eyebrow. In response, Kaku made the expression slightly more desperate.
“I think he’s seeking confirmation,” Jyabura suggested, absently scratching the side of his neck. Kalifa glanced at Jyabura once, then to Kaku for a few seconds and then back down at her paper.
“He’s right.”
“What?”
“It’s true,” she said, readjusting her glasses and licking her thumb to turn the page. “For a while we tried to find out why, but then we just accepted it as part of who you are.”
Kaku took a moment to process this. “Wait-‘we’? Who’s ‘we’?”
Jyabura waved a hand to indicate the general population of the room and other people beyond. “Everybody.”
“I do still wonder why on occasion,” Blueno, the remaining occupant of the room, admitted thoughtfully.
“Well, because he’s gay, isn’t he?” said Jyabura. Blueno ponderously shrugged one shoulder and returned his attention to the book he’d been reading. Kaku stared at Blueno incredulously before turning back to Jyabura.
“I am not,” he said weakly.
“Yeah you are,” Jyabura insisted. Kaku looked at him, at a loss, and eventually threw his hands in the air and made a frustrated sound.
“I’m not gay!”
Kalifa glanced up from her paper. “Are you sure?”
“Yes!”
“He’s lying.”
“I am not lying!”
This continued for some minutes before Kaku finally turned around and noticed that Lucci was leaning against the doorframe. “Lucci!” he said, desperation high in his voice. “Will you tell them I’m not gay?”
In response to this plea, Lucci looked back at Kaku, coolly and completely unfazed. He let his gaze sweep the room, and without a word, turned and walked away.
Kaku wilted. “See if I help you out next time you need a favor…”
“Well, it’s not the end of the world,” Blueno said reasonably. Kaku sank into a chair, staring at the wall.
“I suppose not,” he grudgingly agreed. “I mean, at least the entire island doesn’t know about this.”
There was a pause. Looks were exchanged.
“…I hate you all.”
“Look, you work with Fukurou. Be glad the whole island doesn’t know about that one time with the paintball guns and the botched alarm system.”
“All of you. I hate all of you and I wish you all a slow, smoldering death involving hydrochloric acid and sharks.”
“Not our fault you’re gay.”
“I am not gay!”
“Well, homosexuality just kind of rolls off you in waves.”
Kaku floundered momentarily, and then, in a sudden burst of inspiration, pointed at Kalifa. “Well, her too!” he shouted.
There was silence. Kalifa gave Kaku a mild look, readjusted her glasses, and flipped another page in her book.
“I thought we’d established that,” said Blueno.
“Yeah, that’s not exactly news,” Jyabura pointed out. “But seriously, it’s not like anyone gives a shit. I just figured you’d wanna know that, you know, everyone knows.”
“That’s very considerate of you,” Kaku mumbled bitterly. He clamped his hands onto the back of his neck in a gesture of frustration. “Look, I’m not gay, all right?”
“Uh-huh.”
“I’m serious!”
“Okay,” Kalifa said patiently.
“None of you believe me,” Kaku said forlornly.
“Well, no, not really,” Blueno put in casually.
“I mean, you’ve got a massive, flaming, blatant crush on the monster cat,” Jyabura said, shrugging. He paused, wearing a slightly nonplussed expression. “For some reason. I’d have figured you’d pick someone, you know, sane, to start out with, but whatever. Not like it’s any of my business.”
Kaku blinked, baffled. “I do not have a crush on Lucci.”
“Uh-huh.” That one was from Blueno.
“I don’t understand why none of you believe I’m not gay.”
“We’ve been through this,” Kalifa said, not unkindly and mostly uninterested. “You send out, for lack of a better term, ‘gay vibes’. And then there’s the fact that you don’t like women.”
“Yeah, sorry, but anyone who doesn’t check her out,” Jyabura jerked a thumb at Kalifa, “when she’s not looking just doesn’t go for chicks. Fact of life.”
“Sexual harassment.”
“Well, she isn’t my type,” Kaku said in a long-suffering fashion, knuckling his forehead. “No offense, Kalifa.”
“None taken. You’re not my type either.”
“Yeah, ‘cause your type has tits and his doesn’t.”
“That is not true,” Kaku said defensively, and then, remembering that Kalifa was in the room, “which isn’t to say that that’s all I care about, of course, because, you know, personality is important too-argh, why am I even having this argument…”
“Because you’re in denial,” Blueno said mildly. “It’s perfectly natural, the denial stage. You’ll get over it.”
“I will not! I’m not in denial!”
“Yeah, see?” Jyabura said casually. “There you go again.”
“I’ll have you know that I’m plotting your death,” Kaku said to him, scornfully. He pointed in the direction of Kalifa and Blueno. “Yours too.”
“We didn’t do anything,” Jyabura said. “It’s your fault.”
“Actually, there’s significant evidence to support that it’s genetic,” said Kalifa.
“Nature versus nurture.”
“Whatever,” Jyabura said. “Like I said, I don’t give a shit. Just pointing it out.”
“Whether you care is irrelevant, because you’re wrong.”
“Hey, how long does the denial stage usually last, anyway?”
“It depends on the individual, but once it comes out that the condition is acknowledged and accepted, the process is generally shortened, I believe.”
“It’s not a condition,” Kaku said, with growing ire. He paused. “And I’m not gay!”
“When was the last time you slept with a chick?”
“What?” Kaku asked, taken aback.
“You heard me.”
“I don’t see how that’s any of your business!”
Jyabura looked at him blankly, but with a very slight smirk.
“…well, last month, and it was technically work related because I was supposed to obtain information and, well…but that’s not the point!”
“Uh-huh.” That was from Blueno again. Kaku glowered at him.
“I cannot believe that I’m actually sitting here discussing my sex life with you people. All I wanted was some coffee.”
“Well, have some. Maybe coffee goes well with existential revelations,” said Jyabura, with a shrug. “You never know.”
“There is no revelation! I don’t like men!”
“Well, you don’t like women either, so unless you don’t have a sex drive at all, you might wanna reconsider that.”
Kaku stared at the floor, defeated. “I hate you.”
“Yeah, well, it’s not like that’s much different from usual anyway.”
“I don’t have a crush on Lucci.”
“Right,” Kalifa said mildly.
Kaku took his cap off, ran his hands through his hair, and put it back on. “I’m just…I’m going to get my coffee and leave. And plot your collective doom, because this is ridiculous.” He stood up and went to make himself some coffee with an air of stubborn defiance. Jyabura shrugged and crossed his arms, head tipped back with the intention of taking a nap. Kaku slammed the door behind him when he left.
“So, what, another couple weeks, maybe?” Jyabura asked, not bothering to open his eyes.
“Probably,” Blueno said. “I imagine he’ll try to keep it secret, mainly to be contrary.”
“Eventually he may realize that it’s much simpler not to hide it,” Kalifa said, readjusting her glasses. “It’s certainly easier to get dates that way. Incidentally, do you suppose Lucci knows that Kaku is interested in him?”
“You kidding me? Creepy bastard knows everything.”
“That is true.”
“Hmm,” Kalifa said vaguely, going back to her book.
“You know, Jyabura,” Blueno said in a contemplative tone of voice, “I’m a little surprised at you. No offense meant, but you always struck me as the homophobic sort.”
“Nah, I support gay relationships,” Jyabura replied. He held up one finger. “As long as both chicks are hot.”
Nonchalantly and without remark, Kalifa removed her left shoe and threw it very hard at Jyabura’s head.
Characters: Most of CP9
Rating: PG-13 (language and sex talk)
Word Count: 1,500
Summary: Jyabura makes an offhand observation regarding Kaku's sexual orientation. It is not met kindly. Discussion ensues. (Massive, massive crack.)
Kaku stepped into the break room and waved to its occupants in salutation. “Morning,” he said brightly.
“You know you just radiate waves of homosexuality?” Jyabura blurted.
Kaku halted mid-step and paused for several seconds before glancing over his shoulder at Jyabura, who was sitting on the couch with his arms flung over the back, looking at him with a completely blank and unruffled expression.
“Well, you do,” he added after a moment of dead silence.
“…what?” was all Kaku could think to say.
“You do!” Jyabura insisted, seeming mildly affronted that this information was not simply accepted, as he apparently assumed the case ought to be.
“I…” Kaku began, and paused for a moment, ineffectually working his jaw. “I just wanted some coffee,” he concluded weakly.
Jyabura shrugged. “I just had to say it. It’s like the tag in the back of somebody’s shirt is sticking out-you just gotta say something in case they don’t notice, you know?”
Kaku still hadn’t regained the ability to do anything but stare. He looked to Kalifa, reading the morning paper in her chair, for assistance; it took her a few seconds to realize that his desperate stare was directed at her and the end of a paragraph to look up and acknowledge it with a raised eyebrow. In response, Kaku made the expression slightly more desperate.
“I think he’s seeking confirmation,” Jyabura suggested, absently scratching the side of his neck. Kalifa glanced at Jyabura once, then to Kaku for a few seconds and then back down at her paper.
“He’s right.”
“What?”
“It’s true,” she said, readjusting her glasses and licking her thumb to turn the page. “For a while we tried to find out why, but then we just accepted it as part of who you are.”
Kaku took a moment to process this. “Wait-‘we’? Who’s ‘we’?”
Jyabura waved a hand to indicate the general population of the room and other people beyond. “Everybody.”
“I do still wonder why on occasion,” Blueno, the remaining occupant of the room, admitted thoughtfully.
“Well, because he’s gay, isn’t he?” said Jyabura. Blueno ponderously shrugged one shoulder and returned his attention to the book he’d been reading. Kaku stared at Blueno incredulously before turning back to Jyabura.
“I am not,” he said weakly.
“Yeah you are,” Jyabura insisted. Kaku looked at him, at a loss, and eventually threw his hands in the air and made a frustrated sound.
“I’m not gay!”
Kalifa glanced up from her paper. “Are you sure?”
“Yes!”
“He’s lying.”
“I am not lying!”
This continued for some minutes before Kaku finally turned around and noticed that Lucci was leaning against the doorframe. “Lucci!” he said, desperation high in his voice. “Will you tell them I’m not gay?”
In response to this plea, Lucci looked back at Kaku, coolly and completely unfazed. He let his gaze sweep the room, and without a word, turned and walked away.
Kaku wilted. “See if I help you out next time you need a favor…”
“Well, it’s not the end of the world,” Blueno said reasonably. Kaku sank into a chair, staring at the wall.
“I suppose not,” he grudgingly agreed. “I mean, at least the entire island doesn’t know about this.”
There was a pause. Looks were exchanged.
“…I hate you all.”
“Look, you work with Fukurou. Be glad the whole island doesn’t know about that one time with the paintball guns and the botched alarm system.”
“All of you. I hate all of you and I wish you all a slow, smoldering death involving hydrochloric acid and sharks.”
“Not our fault you’re gay.”
“I am not gay!”
“Well, homosexuality just kind of rolls off you in waves.”
Kaku floundered momentarily, and then, in a sudden burst of inspiration, pointed at Kalifa. “Well, her too!” he shouted.
There was silence. Kalifa gave Kaku a mild look, readjusted her glasses, and flipped another page in her book.
“I thought we’d established that,” said Blueno.
“Yeah, that’s not exactly news,” Jyabura pointed out. “But seriously, it’s not like anyone gives a shit. I just figured you’d wanna know that, you know, everyone knows.”
“That’s very considerate of you,” Kaku mumbled bitterly. He clamped his hands onto the back of his neck in a gesture of frustration. “Look, I’m not gay, all right?”
“Uh-huh.”
“I’m serious!”
“Okay,” Kalifa said patiently.
“None of you believe me,” Kaku said forlornly.
“Well, no, not really,” Blueno put in casually.
“I mean, you’ve got a massive, flaming, blatant crush on the monster cat,” Jyabura said, shrugging. He paused, wearing a slightly nonplussed expression. “For some reason. I’d have figured you’d pick someone, you know, sane, to start out with, but whatever. Not like it’s any of my business.”
Kaku blinked, baffled. “I do not have a crush on Lucci.”
“Uh-huh.” That one was from Blueno.
“I don’t understand why none of you believe I’m not gay.”
“We’ve been through this,” Kalifa said, not unkindly and mostly uninterested. “You send out, for lack of a better term, ‘gay vibes’. And then there’s the fact that you don’t like women.”
“Yeah, sorry, but anyone who doesn’t check her out,” Jyabura jerked a thumb at Kalifa, “when she’s not looking just doesn’t go for chicks. Fact of life.”
“Sexual harassment.”
“Well, she isn’t my type,” Kaku said in a long-suffering fashion, knuckling his forehead. “No offense, Kalifa.”
“None taken. You’re not my type either.”
“Yeah, ‘cause your type has tits and his doesn’t.”
“That is not true,” Kaku said defensively, and then, remembering that Kalifa was in the room, “which isn’t to say that that’s all I care about, of course, because, you know, personality is important too-argh, why am I even having this argument…”
“Because you’re in denial,” Blueno said mildly. “It’s perfectly natural, the denial stage. You’ll get over it.”
“I will not! I’m not in denial!”
“Yeah, see?” Jyabura said casually. “There you go again.”
“I’ll have you know that I’m plotting your death,” Kaku said to him, scornfully. He pointed in the direction of Kalifa and Blueno. “Yours too.”
“We didn’t do anything,” Jyabura said. “It’s your fault.”
“Actually, there’s significant evidence to support that it’s genetic,” said Kalifa.
“Nature versus nurture.”
“Whatever,” Jyabura said. “Like I said, I don’t give a shit. Just pointing it out.”
“Whether you care is irrelevant, because you’re wrong.”
“Hey, how long does the denial stage usually last, anyway?”
“It depends on the individual, but once it comes out that the condition is acknowledged and accepted, the process is generally shortened, I believe.”
“It’s not a condition,” Kaku said, with growing ire. He paused. “And I’m not gay!”
“When was the last time you slept with a chick?”
“What?” Kaku asked, taken aback.
“You heard me.”
“I don’t see how that’s any of your business!”
Jyabura looked at him blankly, but with a very slight smirk.
“…well, last month, and it was technically work related because I was supposed to obtain information and, well…but that’s not the point!”
“Uh-huh.” That was from Blueno again. Kaku glowered at him.
“I cannot believe that I’m actually sitting here discussing my sex life with you people. All I wanted was some coffee.”
“Well, have some. Maybe coffee goes well with existential revelations,” said Jyabura, with a shrug. “You never know.”
“There is no revelation! I don’t like men!”
“Well, you don’t like women either, so unless you don’t have a sex drive at all, you might wanna reconsider that.”
Kaku stared at the floor, defeated. “I hate you.”
“Yeah, well, it’s not like that’s much different from usual anyway.”
“I don’t have a crush on Lucci.”
“Right,” Kalifa said mildly.
Kaku took his cap off, ran his hands through his hair, and put it back on. “I’m just…I’m going to get my coffee and leave. And plot your collective doom, because this is ridiculous.” He stood up and went to make himself some coffee with an air of stubborn defiance. Jyabura shrugged and crossed his arms, head tipped back with the intention of taking a nap. Kaku slammed the door behind him when he left.
“So, what, another couple weeks, maybe?” Jyabura asked, not bothering to open his eyes.
“Probably,” Blueno said. “I imagine he’ll try to keep it secret, mainly to be contrary.”
“Eventually he may realize that it’s much simpler not to hide it,” Kalifa said, readjusting her glasses. “It’s certainly easier to get dates that way. Incidentally, do you suppose Lucci knows that Kaku is interested in him?”
“You kidding me? Creepy bastard knows everything.”
“That is true.”
“Hmm,” Kalifa said vaguely, going back to her book.
“You know, Jyabura,” Blueno said in a contemplative tone of voice, “I’m a little surprised at you. No offense meant, but you always struck me as the homophobic sort.”
“Nah, I support gay relationships,” Jyabura replied. He held up one finger. “As long as both chicks are hot.”
Nonchalantly and without remark, Kalifa removed her left shoe and threw it very hard at Jyabura’s head.