for the good of wizard-kind - gun - G
Title: For the Good of Wizard-Kind
Author: theregoesyamum
Rating: G
Word count: 1400 words
Author's notes/disclaimer: An incredible number of thanks to princessdot who inspired through suggestion part of the plot, though I won't ruin it here by explaining what it was. Awesome props to the cut-sick darth_cabal for a speedy beta. JKR provided the wonderful characters and contexts. I will be very disappointed in you if you don't recognise the lofty inspiration and allusions to Jonathan Swift. This fic is totally not inspired by people and/or events in fandom. Srsly. This fic proudly has no discernible structure, so if you're looking for good writing or a plausible plot, you've come to the wrong place.
Summary: Remus Lupin submits a letter to the editor. Most don't get the point.
The following are a sample of letters taken from the Daily Prophet from November, 1991. The editor of the Daily Prophet bears no responsibility or authorship for any of the letters presented from here on in.
November 12, 1991
I was most impressed with Gilderoy Lockhart's most recent editorial (November 11, 1991) about the rising problem our society has with the overabundance of malingering half-breeds and werewolves, and unemployed lower classes. For too long, our society has supported these malignant parasites by generously providing them with luxuries, such as food and shelter, and I, for one, am not happy to put up with it any longer.
I hereby propose that to stop the haemorrhaging of public funds onto these miscreants, we put these half-breeds and mudbloods to good use by disposing of them and selling their flesh for meat. It could work out to be quite economical in the long term. Each werewolf costs the Ministry of Magic one hundred galleons a year in welfare payments, which takes money away from the hard working witches and wizards, who don't have to resort to viciousness and depravity to make their living. If we were to sell a pound of werewolf flesh for five sickles, and an average thirty-two year old male werewolf weighs one hundred and fifty pounds, the Ministry can easily make five thousand, two hundred galleons per werewolf. With the population of werewolves in Britain being around fifteen, I'm sure we can all see the savings that could be made. If we extend this to chronically unemployed wizards of mixed blood, our wizarding race has a chance to finally thrive and prevail.
I can personally attest to the deliciousness of this meat, and I encourage you all to consider my most modest proposal for the very survival for our kind.
R. Lupin,
London, England
November 13, 1991
I was so disgusted to read R. Lupin's letter yesterday! I am twelve years old and I am from a muggle family, I'll have him know! I can't believe he would think of eating people like that just because of what they are! Maybe he should be bitten by a werewolf and see what it feels like!
H. Granger,
Hogsmeade, Scotland
In all my years, I cannot recall anything so horrible as R. Lupin's letter (November 12, 1991)! There ought be limits to what people are allowed to say in the newspaper. I am glad that our Ministry representatives are too merciful and just to resort to such measures, and I hope that this R. Lupin person can learn to not say anything at all if they can't say something nice.
T. Tibbles,
Newcastle, England
I've known R. Lupin (November 12, 1991) since he was a young boy and I can't believe that he would espouse such nasty opinions. I am very disappointed in him, and his own mother would be, too.
A. Figg,
Surrey, England
As Undersecretary to the Minister for Magic, we would like to assure all in the wizarding community that we will not be implementing R. Lupin's suggested measures at the present.
D. Umbridge,
Senior Undersecretary, Ministry for Magic
London, England
I too can attest to the deliciousness of half-breed and mudblood meat, regarding to R. Lupin's letter from November 12. Our own offspring have, over the years, stocked many an ice chest, and have fed us through many a harsh winter. This kind of industriousness has saved us money and time, what with the cost of child-rearing increasing with each year. My one remaining daughter has now reached adulthood, and is looking for a half-breed or half-blood of her own with which to procreate her own food.
T. Tonks,
London, England
Father of one (formerly six)
Whilst I think that R. Lupin raised a very good point about the high cost that the Ministry spends on undesirables, I believe that it is highly uncivilised to think that we of distinguished lineage would deign to eat such meat.
I believe that there is great economic benefit in the Ministry for Magic putting half-breeds and lazy half-bloods to work, with the Ministry retaining all profits and earnings. Though society will still bear the brunt of having to provide for these people, they will at least be returning something to a society that gives so much to them and doesn't expect anything in return.
L. Malfoy,
Wiltshire, England
I would strongly recommend R. Lupin's letter (November 12, 1991) not be taken seriously - though it is more like an imbecility of arbitrary invention than it is an actual letter. As he is a person with a noted criminal record, I hardly believe that he is one to be listened to with regards to the welfare of wizard-kind. His own style of mercy is so lacking that even a Dutchman would be disgraced by Lupin's lack of respect for humanity. Those at the Ministry would do best to inspect Lupin's files before planning to implement any legislation based on his advice.
S. Snape,
Hogsmeade, Scotland
I was very interested to read Gilderoy Lockhart's most recent article (November 11, 1991), if only because I have not re-read my own work in some time. I had no idea that The Daily Prophet was in the habit of employing intellectual property thieves. It certainly does cast a new light on the old allegations of plagiarism raised against Lockhart.
Tiberius Wigfield,
Glasgow, Scotland
November 14, 1991
I am shocked and appalled to hear such cruel allegations by Tiberius Wigfield (November 13, 1991). I may have referred to his essay in part during my own editorial, but to claim that I am a plagiarist and a thief is libel in the extreme. I do not think that I should have to give credit for every person who might happen to word similar ideas in the same fashion that I have done. Everyone uses everyone else's information and hard work and his claims about my integrity are highly libellous. I should like to think that Mr Wigfield would be guilty if some deranged lunatic were to read his letter and exact their own form of justice against my person, but clearly he values trifling matters like standards and inconvenient and irrelevant truths over my dignity and feelings.
G. Lockhart,
Exeter, England
Reading the responses to R. Lupin's letter (November 12, 1991) has made me inordinately happy of the truism that with democracy, people get the governments they deserve.
S. Boardman,
North Sea, Ireland
It worries me very greatly that the majority of respondents to my letter (November 12, 1991) thought I was being serious, despite many obvious signs to the contrary. It says little of the Muggle Studies curriculum being taught to our children.
R. Lupin,
London, England
November 15
I am angry that R. Lupin is blowing off his disturbing comments (November 14, 1991) by insisting they were a joke! It was obvious that he was being very serious, because there are people out there who actually do think evil things like this! I am grateful that there has been such an outcry against his letter and maybe he will rethink his letters to the editor in the future.
H. Granger,
Hogsmeade, Scotland
Our family resent the implication that we are stupid for misreading R. Lupins letter from November 12. We are a very well-educated, learned and studious family and just because it is hard to tell the tone of a written letter doesn't mean we isn't intelligent!
R. Greengrass,
Maidstone, England
I can't believe that nobody else saw the humour in R. Lupin's letter. It says a lot about our society that we should so cruelly jump on a man just for having a different opinion.
T. Tibbles,
Newcastle, England
I agree with G. Lockhart's letter (November 14, 1991) about Wigfield's spurious claims about plagiarism. As a professional journalist I think that people make such a big deal about plagiarism. Gilderoy Lockhart is a very talented writer whose popularity is testament to his skill, and I think that this outcry against him is merely jealousy and bitterness by people who wished they had half his talent!
R. Skeeter,
Reporter, Daily Prophet
London, England
le end
Author: theregoesyamum
Rating: G
Word count: 1400 words
Author's notes/disclaimer: An incredible number of thanks to princessdot who inspired through suggestion part of the plot, though I won't ruin it here by explaining what it was. Awesome props to the cut-sick darth_cabal for a speedy beta. JKR provided the wonderful characters and contexts. I will be very disappointed in you if you don't recognise the lofty inspiration and allusions to Jonathan Swift. This fic is totally not inspired by people and/or events in fandom. Srsly. This fic proudly has no discernible structure, so if you're looking for good writing or a plausible plot, you've come to the wrong place.
Summary: Remus Lupin submits a letter to the editor. Most don't get the point.
The following are a sample of letters taken from the Daily Prophet from November, 1991. The editor of the Daily Prophet bears no responsibility or authorship for any of the letters presented from here on in.
November 12, 1991
I was most impressed with Gilderoy Lockhart's most recent editorial (November 11, 1991) about the rising problem our society has with the overabundance of malingering half-breeds and werewolves, and unemployed lower classes. For too long, our society has supported these malignant parasites by generously providing them with luxuries, such as food and shelter, and I, for one, am not happy to put up with it any longer.
I hereby propose that to stop the haemorrhaging of public funds onto these miscreants, we put these half-breeds and mudbloods to good use by disposing of them and selling their flesh for meat. It could work out to be quite economical in the long term. Each werewolf costs the Ministry of Magic one hundred galleons a year in welfare payments, which takes money away from the hard working witches and wizards, who don't have to resort to viciousness and depravity to make their living. If we were to sell a pound of werewolf flesh for five sickles, and an average thirty-two year old male werewolf weighs one hundred and fifty pounds, the Ministry can easily make five thousand, two hundred galleons per werewolf. With the population of werewolves in Britain being around fifteen, I'm sure we can all see the savings that could be made. If we extend this to chronically unemployed wizards of mixed blood, our wizarding race has a chance to finally thrive and prevail.
I can personally attest to the deliciousness of this meat, and I encourage you all to consider my most modest proposal for the very survival for our kind.
R. Lupin,
London, England
November 13, 1991
I was so disgusted to read R. Lupin's letter yesterday! I am twelve years old and I am from a muggle family, I'll have him know! I can't believe he would think of eating people like that just because of what they are! Maybe he should be bitten by a werewolf and see what it feels like!
H. Granger,
Hogsmeade, Scotland
In all my years, I cannot recall anything so horrible as R. Lupin's letter (November 12, 1991)! There ought be limits to what people are allowed to say in the newspaper. I am glad that our Ministry representatives are too merciful and just to resort to such measures, and I hope that this R. Lupin person can learn to not say anything at all if they can't say something nice.
T. Tibbles,
Newcastle, England
I've known R. Lupin (November 12, 1991) since he was a young boy and I can't believe that he would espouse such nasty opinions. I am very disappointed in him, and his own mother would be, too.
A. Figg,
Surrey, England
As Undersecretary to the Minister for Magic, we would like to assure all in the wizarding community that we will not be implementing R. Lupin's suggested measures at the present.
D. Umbridge,
Senior Undersecretary, Ministry for Magic
London, England
I too can attest to the deliciousness of half-breed and mudblood meat, regarding to R. Lupin's letter from November 12. Our own offspring have, over the years, stocked many an ice chest, and have fed us through many a harsh winter. This kind of industriousness has saved us money and time, what with the cost of child-rearing increasing with each year. My one remaining daughter has now reached adulthood, and is looking for a half-breed or half-blood of her own with which to procreate her own food.
T. Tonks,
London, England
Father of one (formerly six)
Whilst I think that R. Lupin raised a very good point about the high cost that the Ministry spends on undesirables, I believe that it is highly uncivilised to think that we of distinguished lineage would deign to eat such meat.
I believe that there is great economic benefit in the Ministry for Magic putting half-breeds and lazy half-bloods to work, with the Ministry retaining all profits and earnings. Though society will still bear the brunt of having to provide for these people, they will at least be returning something to a society that gives so much to them and doesn't expect anything in return.
L. Malfoy,
Wiltshire, England
I would strongly recommend R. Lupin's letter (November 12, 1991) not be taken seriously - though it is more like an imbecility of arbitrary invention than it is an actual letter. As he is a person with a noted criminal record, I hardly believe that he is one to be listened to with regards to the welfare of wizard-kind. His own style of mercy is so lacking that even a Dutchman would be disgraced by Lupin's lack of respect for humanity. Those at the Ministry would do best to inspect Lupin's files before planning to implement any legislation based on his advice.
S. Snape,
Hogsmeade, Scotland
I was very interested to read Gilderoy Lockhart's most recent article (November 11, 1991), if only because I have not re-read my own work in some time. I had no idea that The Daily Prophet was in the habit of employing intellectual property thieves. It certainly does cast a new light on the old allegations of plagiarism raised against Lockhart.
Tiberius Wigfield,
Glasgow, Scotland
November 14, 1991
I am shocked and appalled to hear such cruel allegations by Tiberius Wigfield (November 13, 1991). I may have referred to his essay in part during my own editorial, but to claim that I am a plagiarist and a thief is libel in the extreme. I do not think that I should have to give credit for every person who might happen to word similar ideas in the same fashion that I have done. Everyone uses everyone else's information and hard work and his claims about my integrity are highly libellous. I should like to think that Mr Wigfield would be guilty if some deranged lunatic were to read his letter and exact their own form of justice against my person, but clearly he values trifling matters like standards and inconvenient and irrelevant truths over my dignity and feelings.
G. Lockhart,
Exeter, England
Reading the responses to R. Lupin's letter (November 12, 1991) has made me inordinately happy of the truism that with democracy, people get the governments they deserve.
S. Boardman,
North Sea, Ireland
It worries me very greatly that the majority of respondents to my letter (November 12, 1991) thought I was being serious, despite many obvious signs to the contrary. It says little of the Muggle Studies curriculum being taught to our children.
R. Lupin,
London, England
November 15
I am angry that R. Lupin is blowing off his disturbing comments (November 14, 1991) by insisting they were a joke! It was obvious that he was being very serious, because there are people out there who actually do think evil things like this! I am grateful that there has been such an outcry against his letter and maybe he will rethink his letters to the editor in the future.
H. Granger,
Hogsmeade, Scotland
Our family resent the implication that we are stupid for misreading R. Lupins letter from November 12. We are a very well-educated, learned and studious family and just because it is hard to tell the tone of a written letter doesn't mean we isn't intelligent!
R. Greengrass,
Maidstone, England
I can't believe that nobody else saw the humour in R. Lupin's letter. It says a lot about our society that we should so cruelly jump on a man just for having a different opinion.
T. Tibbles,
Newcastle, England
I agree with G. Lockhart's letter (November 14, 1991) about Wigfield's spurious claims about plagiarism. As a professional journalist I think that people make such a big deal about plagiarism. Gilderoy Lockhart is a very talented writer whose popularity is testament to his skill, and I think that this outcry against him is merely jealousy and bitterness by people who wished they had half his talent!
R. Skeeter,
Reporter, Daily Prophet
London, England
le end