( chapter 1 ) a road in the sky
CHAPTER 1
- - -
JANUARY
- - -
2008
Kyungsoo looked around and felt agitated. All he wanted to do now was going home and have some sleep. It was already nine and he was still nowhere near home; trapped in pojangmacha with the other trainees he hardly knew. If only it wasn’t Suho who asked him to come, he would have refused the invitation. Suho was the first trainee who treated him genuinely as a fellow trainee - without throwing him a look of competition or underestimates him for his timidity. Thus, when he asked Kyungsoo to come to the mini celebration for his first filming (along with Jongin and Chanyeol), he accepted it politely.
“I’m already curious with the result,” said Chanyeol before munched his gopchang excitedly.
“Isn’t it a commercial film for a happy life campaign? I think we would be in the last seconds of the video. Perhaps when DBSK sunbae danced around and went crazy.” Jongin lips curved a boyish grin as he pictured himself in the video, dancing and goofing around with the seniors.
Kyungsoo squinted at Jongin unconsciously, trying to look at the boy’s expression clearly when he was talking. It was the first time he saw Kim Jongin from a close distance. Usually, it was just a glimpse of him heading to the practice room or passing by the hallway. They were practically never in the same training group so he didn’t have a chance to be around him (or befriended him). Also, Kyungsoo usually left the practice room as soon as the practice ended, to avoid any unnecessary attention from others, and headed home straight away after training.
“Anyway, do you guys know that our company plan to debut a new girl group next year?”
Kyungsoo shifted his intense gaze to Sehun whose face was beaming over the news. It came to Kyungsoo that the boy has a very pale face and kind of looked like a foreigner. He was much taller than Kyungsoo and that made Kyungsoo felt a bit intimated; even though they were in sitting position, the height gap between them was inevitable. Kyungsoo liked to think that all trainees around him, with their perfect figure and all, made him felt that he was out of place and wasn’t someone who was ready to debut.
The conversation soon switched to the girl group topic. News about upcoming group was always a hot topic to discuss even though it wasn’t a boy group, but it was still unnecessary in Kyungsoo’s opinion. He didn’t have any interest in company gossip, moreover a girl group gossip. The boys, though, nodded in unison as Sehun kept babbling that this group would be different from their company’s previous girl group - Girl’s Generation. They would have a unique music and style; a fusion of girly, sweet, fierce, and even, bizarre concept. Kyungsoo only threw a look once in a while to Sehun, focusing on his food rather than hearing the boys started to guess the girls.
They kept talking about it and so, at last, Kyungsoo tried to give Sehun his attention. He stared at him blankly and then unconsciously, his gaze transfixed at the other boy next to Sehun.
Jongin noticed it and held his gaze for a second before turned his head to Sehun, watched him talking attentively. Kyungsoo could feel there was something different in that one fleeting gaze. Curiosity? Or worse, distaste?
Kyungsoo didn’t want it to slip into his mind and finished his food quickly.
The group finally stopped talking at ten after Suho got a call from his father. Suho answered the phone in a low voice and nodded in every word his father was saying to him. He, indeed, was a well-mannered guy and perhaps that was something which made Kyungsoo felt comfortable around him. He wasn’t as loud as Chanyeol or as chatty as Sehun. Kyungsoo could tolerate him.
“Time to go home,” he announced it in a strange fatherly voice.
Kyungsoo mentally nodded and grabbed his backpack immediately. He looked at the other boys and they were still putting their belongings into their own backpack. Kyungsoo then stood up and readied himself to go to the station as soon as possible. He had a big urge to pay his food himself and went home first.
“Shit.”
Yet, that word distracted him to do so.
“What?” Sehun seemed confused seeing Jongin started to dart around, looking under the table and everywhere in panic.
“My wallet.”
Kyungsoo heard the other boys let out a heavy sigh upon his explanation. Anyhow, the boys started to help Jongin searching his wallet before left the restaurant, eventually. Suho had to go home first and Chanyeol gave up at the first try.
“Are you sure you bring your wallet?” Sehun finally said, he sat on one of the chairs and looked tired. Jongin nodded and realized Sehun’s fatigue face.
“Just go home. It should be around, or maybe, someone already took it. I don’t know.”
Jongin gave Sehun a slight nod which Sehun replied with the same gesture.
“You should chain your wallet to your hand, you know.”
Jongin flashed a wry smile and stopped immediately after realized there was another person at there, Kyungsoo, and he was still inspecting every corner of the place.
“To be honest, it’s kind of unexpected. Him.” Sehun tilted his head to Kyungsoo’s direction, amused. The boy was scanning the area nearby the pojangmacha, hoping to find a trace of Jongin’s wallet. The boys was silent for a brief few minutes, staring at Kyungsoo, until Sehun stood up, bid a goodbye, and left the place - leaving Jongin and Kyungsoo alone.
“Hey - “ Jongin called hesitantly, “ - Hyung, Kyungsoo hyung.” The hyung word lingered in the air with an odd atmosphere. It was the first time he ever said something to Kyungsoo though.
The older boy stopped sighting the ground then looked up, impassively; a sign that he was waiting what was Jongin going to say.
“Uhm, thank you for your help. But I think it’s alright, you can go home. It’s already ten,” remarked him. “Do you take bus or subway?”
“But you haven’t found your wallet.” Kyungsoo sounded hesitant. Jongin almost laughed when he heard the tone of Kyungsoo’s voice; it had a motherly feeling in it.
“It’s okay. I lost thing every single day. It is not a big deal anymore.” Jongin tried to reassure him as if it was common to lose a wallet.
There was a doubt on Kyungsoo’s face. “Are you sure? What about your money?”
“Nah, there was only ten bucks in that wallet as I recall. As I said before, it’s not a big deal. I had lost a wallet, like what, four times?” Jongin counted with his fingers.
Kyungsoo looked bewildered. His round eyes bulged even more. That expression somehow made him looked like a Pororo and as an avid fan of Pororo himself, Jongin, in a split-second had a big urge to pat the older boy’s top of head.
“Just, let’s go home, okay? And I’m sorry for… wasting your time, though. I should have not asked you to help in the first place.” Jongin rubbed his nape, felt twitchy. “I keep forgetting everything.” He continued and laughed awkwardly.
Kyungsoo transfixed his eyes on him and it gave Jongin a sudden chill. “Let’s search for one more time, if we still can’t find it, then I guess you should do what Sehun told, chain your wallet.”
Is he making a joke?
Jongin was startled at first, quite surprised, and couldn’t decide whether he should laugh or not. It wasn’t… funny. But, it turned quite funny because finally Do Kyungsoo was trying to make a joke. So what Jongin did was a forced laugh and he kind of regretted it when a look of shame appeared in Kyungsoo’s face, yes, he was ashamed of his own joke.
Afterward, they looked at every corner once again and decided to go home since they really couldn’t find it anywhere.
On the way to the station Jongin was thinking about how to borrow money from Kyungsoo without sounding compelling. Yet, on their halfway to the station, Kyungsoo unexpectedly stuck out some money and said quietly, “I think it would be helpful?”
Jongin was surprised at first. It was weird, really, really weird. But, he received it nonetheless and slurred his ‘thanks’.
As they arrived at the station, Jongin went to buy the ticket while Kyungsoo already walked over to the ticket gate. They both then waited at the platform in silent. Kyungsoo looked down at his shoes while Jongin stared at a birthday banner for one of his senior in the company. Five minutes later, their train arrived and Kyungsoo went in without looking at Jongin. He sat in the corner, next to an elder, whilst Jongin awkwardly seated himself beside him.
Kyungsoo gave Jongin a sidelong glance. He was looking down and his arms folded across his chest. Kyungsoo supposed that he was about to nod off and didn’t want to disturb his inchoate sleeping phase. So he distanced himself from Jongin quietly. He chose to look outside the window as the view whirled and intermingled with the dark.
Jongin, however, couldn’t stand the silence and in the end opened his eyes then looked at Kyungsoo. At least, maybe, it was the time to make a new friend. They were in the same company after all (though he was already in the second year and Kyungsoo had just passed his first year there).
“So, where do you go to school, hyung?” asked Jongin so suddenly and almost made Kyungsoo jumped.
“Hyungsan,” replied him curtly without asking Jongin in return.
“Woah, isn’t that a popular school? You must be clever.”
Kyungsoo fell silent but Jongin sensed his uneasiness on his face. “Not like that. I just - my mom wanted me to go there. So it would be easier for me to go straight to Jungsin High.”
“Oh.” Jongin nodded understandingly. He guessed this Kyungsoo boy was a studious person. Not in the same level with that Seohyun noona from SNSD, but maybe he was the same type with… Suho hyung?
The trip then felt longer because Jongin didn’t know how to converse comfortably with Kyungsoo without feeling anxious. He didn’t know why he became nervous. Maybe it was because Kyungsoo gave an aura that made people felt uneasy especially when his round eyes stared at you (which sometimes squinted vindictively) and his cold attitude. He also never talked that much and rarely played with the other boys. Jongin actually felt quite surprised when Kyungsoo accepted Suho’s offer to join their mini celebration and as he expected, the boy didn’t say anything during their dinner. He only congratulated them once in the beginning (though it was likely he only said it to Suho) then he fell silent for the entire night.
Actually, that made Kyungsoo a trainee that Jongin tried to avoid.
Kyungsoo, however, seemed fine with their quietness. He sat still and looked outside the window; his face was stern and blank. Jongin didn’t know what he was thinking about. Perhaps it was homework or maybe, his practice tomorrow? He seemed like that person who planned and organized his schedule one day before and did exactly like what he wrote on the list.
The torturous silence was broken by the announcement lady and Jongin felt relief. He readied himself as his destination was only one station away.
It finally arrived at his stop. He got up and was about to walk out of the door before suddenly he turned back. He looked at Kyungsoo whose gaze was also at him. Jongin looked hesitant at first but at last he flashed Kyungsoo a tiny smile. “Thanks, hyung.”
It was just a brief gratitude yet it made Kyungsoo contemplated about it. Perhaps he was referring to the wallet accident but somehow Kyungsoo heard it as something that was more than just lending him money. Kyungsoo was about to reply his smile but Jongin had already walked out of the door. The door swiftly closed and the train started to go again
.
And Kyungsoo, for the first time, felt a pang of regret for not being able to smile back.
.
2012
Kyungsoo looked around at his almost vacant bedroom. He already packed all of his things, mostly clothes and books, yesterday. It had been empty anyway. Ever since the beginning of 2012, he had thrown out most of his belongings which reminded him of his training days. He only saved five Polaroid photos and a cardboard box full of trifle yet meaningful thing for him and hid it in the attic.
He walked toward his desk and sat on the chair. The desk was already clear from his book stack or his collection of figure. Also all post-it-notes that he deliberately put on the wall near the desk were gone. He sat silently and just sat still. His mind wandered and he started to think about his choice to move. He was usually scared of fitting in the new place, but in this case, he was more than ready for a change; he wanted it.
He was grateful that his mom finally gave a permission to leave the prestige high school and moved to a school in his grand mom’s place. It was a pity, though. He indeed kind of felt bad for his mom. The Jungsin High was his mom’s dream and it was also a requirement for him if he wanted to continue his training as an idol. But now, being an idol wasn’t his dream anymore. He didn’t even want to remember it at all. So, he didn’t have to go that pretentious high school anymore.
Kyungsoo glanced at his watch. His bus would go in four hours. The trip would take six hours long. He mentally checked the things he should bring during the ride. He already charged his iPod and everything so he wouldn’t be bored on the bus. After reassuring himself that he already brought everything he needed, he looked at his phone somberly. He had been thinking for days, whether to text her or not. He wasn’t sure if she wanted to know his news. He realized he was no longer in position to tell her any news about him for her resentment toward him was very clear. But, of all people, she was the only person who deserved this news. At least, he told where he lived so maybe, in the future, if she wanted to throw a tantrum to him, or kicked him (or worse, killed him), she knew where to go.
Taking a deep breath, Kyungsoo took his phone and started to type.
I just want to tell you that I’m leaving for Daeyong. I’m sorry for being a coward. I’m really sorry.
I hope you are okay.... I’m sorry for everything.
I’m sorry.
He pressed ‘send’ and leaned backward. He exhaled a heavy sigh and looked out of his window.The cloud and the blue sky was so clear and bright. It reminded him of some room; full of clouds, laughter, tears, and dreams. It was like he hadn’t been there for eon. He faintly could hear a clamorous chat, harmonious step, and noisy upbeat mingled in vaporous memory, jabbing him with its bitter nostalgia. He could only smile because after all, that was no longer his place anymore. He didn’t belong there. He didn’t deserve to be in that room.
And yet, he felt his heart told him otherwise.
2008
After that wallet accident, Jongin acted more friendly toward Kyungsoo. The boy would greet him with a slight nod or tiny smile if they passed each other in the hallway, doorway, or training room. However, Kyungsoo still felt awkward and just gave Jongin an impassive smile. Kyungsoo thought, his awkwardness maybe would finally fade away if he could have been in the same training group with Jongin. But, they were never in the same group.
Kyungsoo though learned some trivia about Jongin. The boy was known for his dancing skill and sometimes he was trained along with the back dancer of SME. His audition story also became a hot item among the trainee. He failed at first audition, took three years of ballet, then come back and made the reviewer felt amused and proud.
On the contrary, dancing was never Kyungsoo’s forte. His petite body sometimes made him felt ashamed to dance, he thought he would look funny. He always felt behind in dancing and he hated it. He distasted the feeling of it. It didn’t mean he had to be the first or the top three; he only wanted to do well. But it seemed that he was born under this ill-fated star which prevented him to dance. It was also not helping that people threw him a weird look every time he danced. It discouraged him even more.
Just like today.
He had been training for one month for the choreography of DBSK’s Balloons. Hell, it wasn’t that hard but he kept making a mistake. But, this time he didn’t feel that bad because there was another loser in this class - a Chinese guy named Yifan. He was also rigid and kept making mistake like him.
Kyungsoo guessed it was his height that made him looked awkward while danced.
And just like the other days, they were sitting on the floor together, looking at the other boys who already mastered the choreography. Most trainees only took two weeks for this choreography, but Kyungsoo and Yifan had been learning for one month and failed miserably.
“I’m quite glad that I’m not the only one who is lousy in this department,” said Yifan in his broken Korean.
Kyungsoo chuckled bitterly. He and Yifan became closer because of this dance class. Yifan had just come to Seoul eight months ago and was clueless. Most trainees liked to fool him and told him the wrong word to make fun and Kyungsoo hated that. It might be funny at first, but they constantly did it in purpose which made Kyungsoo furious.
“You should master this. This song suits you. Aegyo,” said Yifan. He was also someone who Kyungsoo thought didn’t make a joke out of his height vindictively. At least, this Yifan guy didn’t say it in the tone that making Kyungsoo felt nauseated. He said it in the way a friend joked around with his friend.
“I’m suck at doing aegyo. It makes me cringe,” told Kyungsoo. One thing he couldn’t do aside from dancing was ‘aegyo’. He never understood the other trainee (the boys) who was able to do that. It felt weird for him seeing a guy acting all cute and whiny like a girl.
Yifan laughed and stopped when he realized that the other trainees were looking at them. They already finished practicing and were about to leave the room. It was the second group’s turn. Kyungsoo and Yifan stood up in the time the second group went it. Kyungsoo’s eyes caught a glimpse of someone he knew. Today, he wore a brown t-shirt with a puppy cartoon on it. A black cap shaded his countenance and he sauntered in the room quietly. He went straight to the front row, doing stretching and all.
Yifan realized that Kyungsoo was staring at Jongin. He nudged Kyungsoo and said in a low voice, “That boy is that mad boy right?” he asked Kyungsoo.
“Mad boy?” Kyungsoo looked confused. Sometimes he couldn’t understand what Yifan was telling him due to the language barrier.
“He’s crazy.” Yifan was trying to explain. “You know, one practice, “ Yifan showed his point finger, “He already mastered the dance. Other days, I saw him practicing the senior’s song. It was hard, but he did it well.”
“Yeah, he is that kind of person.”
Yifan raised an eyebrow. “You know him?”
“A little.”
Yifan only nodded. After that, he and Kyungsoo headed toward the doorway. The music was started to play and the second group prepared their position. Kyungsoo glanced to Jongin once more before he left the room. He was startled when he realized that Jongin was also looking at him. Jongin flashed him a friendly smile then started to move along with the beat.
Kyungsoo wanted to stop walking and stayed in the room to see Jongin’s dancing, but Yifan had already dragged him to the locker.
He hoped, someday, he had a chance to see it.
2013
Kyungsoo and Jieun sat on the couch and watched the TV in silent. Only the sound of chips crashing against the teeth was heard. It was Monday and Kyungsoo and Jieun decided to spend the night with watching TV - or to be precise, doing nothing.
Kyungsoo started to watch TV again after his memorable visit to Seoul in December last year.
He glanced at Jieun and a warm smile spread across his face. Jieun said that because he had finally moved on, he should start doing thing he stopped doing during his recluse phase. He didn’t know if it was right or not, but at the first time he watched TV, he saw them and it seemed like a sign.
He saw them, finally, achieving their dreams. They all wore weird clothes, blinking and bizarre, just like the concept that Sooman songsaenim told him couple years ago in the practice room.
You guys are alien who came from EXO Planet.
Kyungsoo remembered how embarrassed he was when heard that. He never thought that we would get an alien concept.
He laughed over that recollection and gained a frown from Jieun. He whispered ‘nothing’ and decided not to tell her why he laughed. At least, not this time.
It became vivid in his mind - the reaction, the suppressed laugh, also the excitement. He looked at the TV and found Sehun was dancing gracefully. He moved lithely along with the rhythm of the beat under the spotlight. Luhan appeared shortly after Sehun swirled in motion, dancing in synch with Sehun.
Kyungsoo couldn’t help but smiled. Their teaser had been out since the first day of January. As of now, they had already released six teasers.
Seventeen more to go, thought Kyungsoo. He counted it. He didn’t know if they had changed the amount or not.
Kyungsoo was staring in mesmeric of the choreography when the screen showed something that made him breathless. Something ominous. His heart twinged. It felt like a dream, unreal, and unwanted.
Jieun could feel he was tense and saw his face had already turned pale.
She took his hand and held it gently.
You are alright.
Kyungsoo knew that was what she wanted to say.
So here they were, sitting on the couch, watching a boy danced passionately and gracefully on the screen. He wore a red jeans adorned with chain and other weird thing as the accessories. A silhouette of him and a shadow piano blended to their vision, creating a thrill of adoration and a tinge of yearning. Kyungsoo felt his heart was about to explode. He couldn’t bear seeing this. It was too familiar. It was like the past was teasing him.
Kyungsoo reassured himself that it was alright. Everything was alright and he could deal with this - but he couldn’t.
Not after he realized the background song of the video. He knew it. He knew it very well. It was his own voice.
And there was the boy, still moving, dancing full of passion like he always did; telling people that he was born for that.
It was the fourteenth day of January, and he couldn’t believe what he saw.
They remembered him.
They remembered.