in the parking lot
Glee. 2,237 Words. Puck/Rachel. VALENTINE'S DAY TREAT FOR ALL Y'ALLS. Another established relationship fic in the same "universe" as my others, but unequivocally says I'm not allowed to call it a drabble. Warning: it's kind of cracked out? I DON'T KNOW. OKAY ALSO, UNE_FILLE IS BASICALLY MY CO-AUTHOR BECAUSE 90% OF WHAT HAPPENS IN THIS WAS HER IDEA. There are stuffed seahorses, tuxedo T-shirts, Finn Hudson eating candy hearts and pants parties in the palace of Puckerone. IDEK, guys.
PS: THIS IS R BECAUSE PUCK HAS A BAD CASE OF THE POTTY MOUTH.
In The Parking Lot
---
She opens her locker and a stuffed seahorse falls out with a High School Musical valentine pinned to its chest.
“What on Earth-” When she reaches down for the aquamarine plush, she smiles dreamily, butterflies rising in her stomach. Her eyes linger on Zac Efron’s smiling face before she reads the generic sappy message and sighs.
And then she sees who it’s from.
The name Julie, written in loopy, ten year-old writing has been haphazardly crossed out by black ball point pen and in its place is a sloppy “B-Sizzle.” By the bold, red With Love, her not-so-secret admirer scribbled a messy “PUCKERONE” in big block letters over his little sister’s name. Rachel rolls her eyes and flips the valentine over to read his message.
ROSES ARE RED
VIOLETS ARE BLUE
STOP BEING STUPID
I’M THE BEST YOU CAN DO
In a huff, she shoves the seahorse in her bag and charges through the hall, intent on returning a gift she never asked for and certainly does not intend to keep.
---
“I thought I made it clear that we’re over.”
“Yeah, so?”
“So why am I finding little surprises in my locker with your chicken scratch all over it?” She holds the stuffed animal out to him. “And for the record, I’m sure Sarah was not happy you stole one of her valentines.”
“Dude, I thought girls eat this shit up.”
“Noah, I broke up with you last Wednesday.”
“Berry, you break up with me every Wednesday.”
“Yeah, well, I meant it this time, okay? So please, don’t go around buying adorable seahorses for me and writing imbecilic love notes.” She thrusts the plush toy towards him again, and he just stares at her.
“Whoa. Who the fuck said anything about love?”
“I can’t accept this.”
“Shut up, B.” He pushes her hand back to her chest and rolls his eyes. “You know you love this shit, so just add it to your retarded collection and call it a day.”
She crosses her arms and stares at him, her eyes narrow. “You think you’re so charming don’t you?”
He puckers his lips and gives her his trademark head nod. “Yeah, it’s a gift.”
“Noah, I’ve had enough of your childish antics.” She throws her hands up in a dramatic flourish and when she points a warning finger in his face, he tosses his head back like here we go again. “I’ll have you know I’ve officially found myself a real gentleman who actually knows how women should be treated.”
“Fuck, Berry, I swear if you’re back to pinning Hudson’s face to your blow-up doll-”
“Excuse me, but I actually have a date tonight.”
“Wait-What?”
“I have a date. A very romantic one, in fact, at a restaurant and everything.”
“Wha-it’s fucking Valentine’s Day.”
“And your point is…?”
“What fucktard would plan a first date on Valentine’s Day?”
“Who said it was my first?”
He stares at her incredulous, and she just shoots him a devious grin as she pulls her books to her chest and steps around him. She doesn’t make it far down the hall before he runs ahead and stops her in her tracks.
“Whoa whoa whoa, we’re not done here, Little Miss Crazypants. Are you trying to tell me you found yourself a new boyfriend in seven fucking days?”
She doesn’t respond, just lifts her chin and stares at him defiantly.
“Listen, Berry, I could have any chick in this whole goddamn school - Hell, I’ve had all of ‘em - but for reasons I don’t fucking understand, it’s your midget legs running through all my freaky-deakiest dreams.”
“Oh, how romantic.” She rolls her eyes and pushes past him as he stands in the middle of the hall, watching her go.
---
“Hudson, were you listening to anything I just said?”
“Yeah, yeah, obviously,” Finn’s fiddling around with a box of candy hearts with F. Hud written on the side in Puck’s sloppy scrawl. “Dude, where’d you get these? They’re like, even tastier than usual.”
Puck snatches the box from his hand and scoffs. “Where I get them every year, dumbass.”
“Don't forget to tell Sarah she has awesome taste in candy.”
“Dude, focus.”
Finn sits up straight and stares out across the student lounge, then back at him. “Okay, Puck, seriously? I don’t know what to tell you. I have no idea who Rachel’s seeing, but to be honest, what does it matter? It’s Valentine’s Day. All you gotta do is make some grand gesture to show her how much you care, and it’ll be like none of this shit ever happened.”
“Not all of us are as gay as you, bro. I’m gonna need some backup on this.”
“All you have to do is show up at her house with a boombox-”
“First of all, this isn’t some shitty eighties movie. Second of all, how many times do I have to tell you? She has a fucking date tonight.”
“So then catch her before she leaves school.”
“You seriously expect me to get my mojo workin’ in two fucking hours?”
“I don’t know what mojo is, but if you’re saying you can’t handle this-”
“What? No. I just…” Puck sighs and looks around for a second before turning back to Finn. “Okay fine, I can’t handle this.”
“Ah ha!” Finn’s pointing and laughing lasts for about five seconds before Puck pushes his hand out of his face.
“Just shut up and get your keys. We’re tag teaming this shit.” He shoves Finn by the shoulders, pushing him out of the lounge.
“Yo, watch it, this sweatshirt’s new!”
---
Their plan is ingenious. Or rather, ingenious by their standards. Finn waits outside of the dance studio five minutes before class lets out. When she comes out from ballet, he distracts her with Glee talk as he leads them to the student lot, where Puck’s waiting by his truck in his dopest tuxedo T-shirt with a large Wendy’s Frosty and a fake plastic daisy.
“Oh no, I will have absolutely none of this.” When she realizes she’s been duped yet again, she turns around and shakes her head at Puck’s co-conspirator. “Finn Hudson, I expect so much better of you.”
Finn just shrugs and high fives Puck. As he jogs back to the building, Rachel lets out a frustrated grumble and Puck takes her by the shoulders.
“C’mon, B. Just five minutes okay?” She contemplates how exactly this could play out before she begrudgingly gets in the car, mumbling to herself all the while. Puck just pumps his fist and laughs as he jogs to the driver’s side and ambles in.
She looks at her watch then up at him. “You have exactly four minutes and fifty-nine seconds.”
Puck reaches over to hit the play button on his stereo, and Notorious B.I.G. echoes through the speakers. I love it when you call me big poppa, throw your hands in the air, if you’s a true playa…
“Oh brother-”
“Baby, I know you hate it when I shove you out of my bedroom window and I’m sorry you sprained your wrist, but I know for a fact that I would have been grounded for the next three months if my mom found you-”
“Four minutes and twelve seconds…”
“And honestly, when I told everyone in Glee you were riding the crimson wave, I was doing you a favor. I don’t know if you realize it, but were a heinous bitch that day, and I didn't want everyone to hate you for having gross chick issues."
“Three minutes and twenty eight seconds…”
“Okay okay okay, enough with the fucking time, just listen,” he reaches over and takes her face in his hands and she peers at him suspiciously. “All I’m saying is…I know it makes no sense why a stud like me would be so into a chick like you, but-”
“On that note-” She reaches for the door, but he stops her.
“No wait, just listen, baby,” he pulls his guitar from the back and slings the strap over his shoulder. "I didn't want to do something as gay as this, but you're leaving me with no other option." She crosses her arms and raises a suspect eyebrow as he starts to play. “I don’t want anybody else…when I think about you I touch myself, ohhh-”
“Yeah, we’re done here.”
“Whatever, Berry,” he’s frustrated now, so he tosses his guitar back where it was. “You know for a fact that I’m the only dude in this whole fucking town who’d ever put up with your bullshit.”
With that, her jaw drops and her eyes glower. “You did not just-”
“Yeah, I said it. Whatcha gonna do?” He tosses her a smarmy grin as she seethes. “Just face it, you’re stuck with me. So happy Valentine’s Day! Let’s get naked.” He lunges towards her for a kiss but he’s greeted with air as she laughs bitterly and gets out of the car.
She makes it half-way across the parking lot before he catches up with her, a folded sheet of paper in his hand.
“Wait, Berry, just wait-”
“I’ve heard enough, Puck. In fact, in the past five minutes you’ve confirmed every single reason why we shouldn’t be together, so if you don’t mind-” She tries to sidestep him, but he blocks her way.
“I know, I’m shit awful at this romance garbage, but I can’t help it, okay? I’m a dude, that’s just how we are.” She stares at him, dispassionate and entirely unconvinced. “And listen, I know I’m the biggest fucking douchebag in this entire school and you can do a million times better than my sorry ass, but-” He looks away, scratching the back of his neck, and laughs. Something in him shifts, and Rachel catches it. He looks back at her and with a tilt of the head and a crooked half smile, he shoves the sheet of paper towards her.
She takes it from him and unfolds it slowly. She’s shocked by what she reads, and her eyes brighten.
“But I thought you said-”
“I say a lotta shit I don’t mean, Berry. I thought you’d realized that by now.”
A smile creeps on her lips as she reads the letter and when she bites her bottom lip, he grins.
“So SUNY Stony Brook is like an hour out of the city, but we could make it work, right?”
She’s nodding and tearing up, but when she starts laughing and jumping up and down, he knows he’s totally getting laid tonight.
“Noah, this is amazing!” She jumps into his arms and he pulls her into a bear hug that lifts her straight off the ground.
“Dude, thank my mom. If she didn’t stop bitching about it all the fucking time, I probably wouldn’t have even bothered.”
She slowly slides down and when her feet meet the ground, she yanks his lips towards hers. When they finally part, she’s laughing again, her hands on his face.
“Noah, you’re going to college.”
“Okay cool so it’s settled then, right? You, me, pants party in the palace of Puckerone? I’ll even have the mama bear feed you.”
Her smile fades quickly, replaced by a look he’s very familiar with.
“Um, hello, I have a date tonight, remember?” When he bursts into laughter, she stares at him, her jaw agape and her hands on her hips.
“Oh God, you’re a fucking riot. Just give it up already, B. I can totally tell when you're lying.”
“I absolutely am not.”
He stares at her seriously for a prolonged moment, then bursts into laughter once again.
“Seriously, Berry, The Notebook and Swedish Fish don’t count, okay?”
She shakes her head then slings her backpack around and starts digging through. “Ah ha!” She whips her cell phone out and raises it triumphantly before flipping it open. She scrolls through her text messages, then shoves the phone in Puck’s face. “See? I have a date.”
Before she realizes what’s happened, he snatches the phone from her hand and races across the parking lot.
“Wha-NOAH PUCKERMAN, YOU WILL COME BACK HERE RIGHT THIS INSTANT.”
“Yo dude, sorry to break it to you, but Rachel Berry just got busted. Tough break, life sentence. Killed a man. Bound to happen eventually though, am I right or am I right?” He lets out a loud, obnoxious fake laugh before glancing back and yelping a high pitched shit! She chases after him but he’s too quick. “Seriously bro, consider yourself lucky. They got her in maximum security, bitch is cray-cray. Hope she doesn’t have your address!”
“Taylor, don’t listen to this delinquent, I have not been incarcerated!” She calls out.
“What? No, she’s not here, that’s probably her evil fucking spirit speaking to you from the pen. GET OUT OF TOWN MAN, BEFORE SHE EATS YOUR SOUL.”
Just as Puck snaps the phone shut, Rachel launches herself on to his back. Her arms are locked around his shoulders, her face next to his ear.
“I really liked him, Noah.”
“More than you like me?”
“Yes. Easily.” She rests her chin on his shoulder and sighs. “Why do I even put up with you, Puckerman?”
“I told you, Berry, you’re stuck with me,” he reaches back and pats her bottom. “Don’t ask why, just accept it.”
---
PS: THIS IS R BECAUSE PUCK HAS A BAD CASE OF THE POTTY MOUTH.
In The Parking Lot
---
She opens her locker and a stuffed seahorse falls out with a High School Musical valentine pinned to its chest.
“What on Earth-” When she reaches down for the aquamarine plush, she smiles dreamily, butterflies rising in her stomach. Her eyes linger on Zac Efron’s smiling face before she reads the generic sappy message and sighs.
And then she sees who it’s from.
The name Julie, written in loopy, ten year-old writing has been haphazardly crossed out by black ball point pen and in its place is a sloppy “B-Sizzle.” By the bold, red With Love, her not-so-secret admirer scribbled a messy “PUCKERONE” in big block letters over his little sister’s name. Rachel rolls her eyes and flips the valentine over to read his message.
ROSES ARE RED
VIOLETS ARE BLUE
STOP BEING STUPID
I’M THE BEST YOU CAN DO
In a huff, she shoves the seahorse in her bag and charges through the hall, intent on returning a gift she never asked for and certainly does not intend to keep.
---
“I thought I made it clear that we’re over.”
“Yeah, so?”
“So why am I finding little surprises in my locker with your chicken scratch all over it?” She holds the stuffed animal out to him. “And for the record, I’m sure Sarah was not happy you stole one of her valentines.”
“Dude, I thought girls eat this shit up.”
“Noah, I broke up with you last Wednesday.”
“Berry, you break up with me every Wednesday.”
“Yeah, well, I meant it this time, okay? So please, don’t go around buying adorable seahorses for me and writing imbecilic love notes.” She thrusts the plush toy towards him again, and he just stares at her.
“Whoa. Who the fuck said anything about love?”
“I can’t accept this.”
“Shut up, B.” He pushes her hand back to her chest and rolls his eyes. “You know you love this shit, so just add it to your retarded collection and call it a day.”
She crosses her arms and stares at him, her eyes narrow. “You think you’re so charming don’t you?”
He puckers his lips and gives her his trademark head nod. “Yeah, it’s a gift.”
“Noah, I’ve had enough of your childish antics.” She throws her hands up in a dramatic flourish and when she points a warning finger in his face, he tosses his head back like here we go again. “I’ll have you know I’ve officially found myself a real gentleman who actually knows how women should be treated.”
“Fuck, Berry, I swear if you’re back to pinning Hudson’s face to your blow-up doll-”
“Excuse me, but I actually have a date tonight.”
“Wait-What?”
“I have a date. A very romantic one, in fact, at a restaurant and everything.”
“Wha-it’s fucking Valentine’s Day.”
“And your point is…?”
“What fucktard would plan a first date on Valentine’s Day?”
“Who said it was my first?”
He stares at her incredulous, and she just shoots him a devious grin as she pulls her books to her chest and steps around him. She doesn’t make it far down the hall before he runs ahead and stops her in her tracks.
“Whoa whoa whoa, we’re not done here, Little Miss Crazypants. Are you trying to tell me you found yourself a new boyfriend in seven fucking days?”
She doesn’t respond, just lifts her chin and stares at him defiantly.
“Listen, Berry, I could have any chick in this whole goddamn school - Hell, I’ve had all of ‘em - but for reasons I don’t fucking understand, it’s your midget legs running through all my freaky-deakiest dreams.”
“Oh, how romantic.” She rolls her eyes and pushes past him as he stands in the middle of the hall, watching her go.
---
“Hudson, were you listening to anything I just said?”
“Yeah, yeah, obviously,” Finn’s fiddling around with a box of candy hearts with F. Hud written on the side in Puck’s sloppy scrawl. “Dude, where’d you get these? They’re like, even tastier than usual.”
Puck snatches the box from his hand and scoffs. “Where I get them every year, dumbass.”
“Don't forget to tell Sarah she has awesome taste in candy.”
“Dude, focus.”
Finn sits up straight and stares out across the student lounge, then back at him. “Okay, Puck, seriously? I don’t know what to tell you. I have no idea who Rachel’s seeing, but to be honest, what does it matter? It’s Valentine’s Day. All you gotta do is make some grand gesture to show her how much you care, and it’ll be like none of this shit ever happened.”
“Not all of us are as gay as you, bro. I’m gonna need some backup on this.”
“All you have to do is show up at her house with a boombox-”
“First of all, this isn’t some shitty eighties movie. Second of all, how many times do I have to tell you? She has a fucking date tonight.”
“So then catch her before she leaves school.”
“You seriously expect me to get my mojo workin’ in two fucking hours?”
“I don’t know what mojo is, but if you’re saying you can’t handle this-”
“What? No. I just…” Puck sighs and looks around for a second before turning back to Finn. “Okay fine, I can’t handle this.”
“Ah ha!” Finn’s pointing and laughing lasts for about five seconds before Puck pushes his hand out of his face.
“Just shut up and get your keys. We’re tag teaming this shit.” He shoves Finn by the shoulders, pushing him out of the lounge.
“Yo, watch it, this sweatshirt’s new!”
---
Their plan is ingenious. Or rather, ingenious by their standards. Finn waits outside of the dance studio five minutes before class lets out. When she comes out from ballet, he distracts her with Glee talk as he leads them to the student lot, where Puck’s waiting by his truck in his dopest tuxedo T-shirt with a large Wendy’s Frosty and a fake plastic daisy.
“Oh no, I will have absolutely none of this.” When she realizes she’s been duped yet again, she turns around and shakes her head at Puck’s co-conspirator. “Finn Hudson, I expect so much better of you.”
Finn just shrugs and high fives Puck. As he jogs back to the building, Rachel lets out a frustrated grumble and Puck takes her by the shoulders.
“C’mon, B. Just five minutes okay?” She contemplates how exactly this could play out before she begrudgingly gets in the car, mumbling to herself all the while. Puck just pumps his fist and laughs as he jogs to the driver’s side and ambles in.
She looks at her watch then up at him. “You have exactly four minutes and fifty-nine seconds.”
Puck reaches over to hit the play button on his stereo, and Notorious B.I.G. echoes through the speakers. I love it when you call me big poppa, throw your hands in the air, if you’s a true playa…
“Oh brother-”
“Baby, I know you hate it when I shove you out of my bedroom window and I’m sorry you sprained your wrist, but I know for a fact that I would have been grounded for the next three months if my mom found you-”
“Four minutes and twelve seconds…”
“And honestly, when I told everyone in Glee you were riding the crimson wave, I was doing you a favor. I don’t know if you realize it, but were a heinous bitch that day, and I didn't want everyone to hate you for having gross chick issues."
“Three minutes and twenty eight seconds…”
“Okay okay okay, enough with the fucking time, just listen,” he reaches over and takes her face in his hands and she peers at him suspiciously. “All I’m saying is…I know it makes no sense why a stud like me would be so into a chick like you, but-”
“On that note-” She reaches for the door, but he stops her.
“No wait, just listen, baby,” he pulls his guitar from the back and slings the strap over his shoulder. "I didn't want to do something as gay as this, but you're leaving me with no other option." She crosses her arms and raises a suspect eyebrow as he starts to play. “I don’t want anybody else…when I think about you I touch myself, ohhh-”
“Yeah, we’re done here.”
“Whatever, Berry,” he’s frustrated now, so he tosses his guitar back where it was. “You know for a fact that I’m the only dude in this whole fucking town who’d ever put up with your bullshit.”
With that, her jaw drops and her eyes glower. “You did not just-”
“Yeah, I said it. Whatcha gonna do?” He tosses her a smarmy grin as she seethes. “Just face it, you’re stuck with me. So happy Valentine’s Day! Let’s get naked.” He lunges towards her for a kiss but he’s greeted with air as she laughs bitterly and gets out of the car.
She makes it half-way across the parking lot before he catches up with her, a folded sheet of paper in his hand.
“Wait, Berry, just wait-”
“I’ve heard enough, Puck. In fact, in the past five minutes you’ve confirmed every single reason why we shouldn’t be together, so if you don’t mind-” She tries to sidestep him, but he blocks her way.
“I know, I’m shit awful at this romance garbage, but I can’t help it, okay? I’m a dude, that’s just how we are.” She stares at him, dispassionate and entirely unconvinced. “And listen, I know I’m the biggest fucking douchebag in this entire school and you can do a million times better than my sorry ass, but-” He looks away, scratching the back of his neck, and laughs. Something in him shifts, and Rachel catches it. He looks back at her and with a tilt of the head and a crooked half smile, he shoves the sheet of paper towards her.
She takes it from him and unfolds it slowly. She’s shocked by what she reads, and her eyes brighten.
“But I thought you said-”
“I say a lotta shit I don’t mean, Berry. I thought you’d realized that by now.”
A smile creeps on her lips as she reads the letter and when she bites her bottom lip, he grins.
“So SUNY Stony Brook is like an hour out of the city, but we could make it work, right?”
She’s nodding and tearing up, but when she starts laughing and jumping up and down, he knows he’s totally getting laid tonight.
“Noah, this is amazing!” She jumps into his arms and he pulls her into a bear hug that lifts her straight off the ground.
“Dude, thank my mom. If she didn’t stop bitching about it all the fucking time, I probably wouldn’t have even bothered.”
She slowly slides down and when her feet meet the ground, she yanks his lips towards hers. When they finally part, she’s laughing again, her hands on his face.
“Noah, you’re going to college.”
“Okay cool so it’s settled then, right? You, me, pants party in the palace of Puckerone? I’ll even have the mama bear feed you.”
Her smile fades quickly, replaced by a look he’s very familiar with.
“Um, hello, I have a date tonight, remember?” When he bursts into laughter, she stares at him, her jaw agape and her hands on her hips.
“Oh God, you’re a fucking riot. Just give it up already, B. I can totally tell when you're lying.”
“I absolutely am not.”
He stares at her seriously for a prolonged moment, then bursts into laughter once again.
“Seriously, Berry, The Notebook and Swedish Fish don’t count, okay?”
She shakes her head then slings her backpack around and starts digging through. “Ah ha!” She whips her cell phone out and raises it triumphantly before flipping it open. She scrolls through her text messages, then shoves the phone in Puck’s face. “See? I have a date.”
Before she realizes what’s happened, he snatches the phone from her hand and races across the parking lot.
“Wha-NOAH PUCKERMAN, YOU WILL COME BACK HERE RIGHT THIS INSTANT.”
“Yo dude, sorry to break it to you, but Rachel Berry just got busted. Tough break, life sentence. Killed a man. Bound to happen eventually though, am I right or am I right?” He lets out a loud, obnoxious fake laugh before glancing back and yelping a high pitched shit! She chases after him but he’s too quick. “Seriously bro, consider yourself lucky. They got her in maximum security, bitch is cray-cray. Hope she doesn’t have your address!”
“Taylor, don’t listen to this delinquent, I have not been incarcerated!” She calls out.
“What? No, she’s not here, that’s probably her evil fucking spirit speaking to you from the pen. GET OUT OF TOWN MAN, BEFORE SHE EATS YOUR SOUL.”
Just as Puck snaps the phone shut, Rachel launches herself on to his back. Her arms are locked around his shoulders, her face next to his ear.
“I really liked him, Noah.”
“More than you like me?”
“Yes. Easily.” She rests her chin on his shoulder and sighs. “Why do I even put up with you, Puckerman?”
“I told you, Berry, you’re stuck with me,” he reaches back and pats her bottom. “Don’t ask why, just accept it.”
---