You've meddled in my life for the last time!

[oddmonster]

#58: Town in a Blueberry Jam by B. B. Haywood:But the fact remained that Sapphire Vine was dead. Someone had killed her. And though Candy found it not only absurd but also literally painful to think that Herr Georg could have plunged a hammer into the back of Sapphire's head (not to mention how painful it must have been for Sapphire herself) the

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[katikat]

Totally unrelated - Geoffrey Knight promised us a big romance in the Fathom's Five books. He said that the romance's already brewing slowly... A little in book 1, more in book 2 - you read book 2: Who could it be? In book 1, the only couple I can think of is Luca and Will...

[catyah]

OK, I see this recent gluttony of food-centered mysteries as an opportunity. I think we (and take that 'we' any way you want to) need to come up with some sort of theme mystery series that we can use to smother the food-themed series right off the shelves. (This is also handy in the sense that the other foodie mysteries that you still want to read will be available ultra-cheap to get them out of the way.)

What do you think -- zombie-themed mysteries? Adult Girl Scout leader mysteries? (No, there's too many cookies involved with that job.) 'The Office' tie-in mysteries in which cubicle-bound employees bludgeon each other in a variety of interesting ways? (Maybe that's just me...)

Gossip columnist Sapphire Vine is blunt-trauma'd in the back of the head!
*Why* does a small town that specializes in blueberries have a gossip columnist? Or shouldn't I ask?

And lastly, the main character's description of herself? Pardon me while I puke.

[oddmonster]

These series breed like rabbits, it's true. I've been trying to keep a list, but it seems like every time I turn around, three more exciting debuts have been plopped onto the conveyor belt. Donut shops, cupcake bakeries, sweet shops, regular bakeries, a blueberry farm, a tearoom, a coffeehouse, a winery, a TV cooking show, a cooking class--all of them have a series. We must wrack our brains to find the missing niche.

And all of their protagonists describe themselves in similarly honey-covered and glowing terms. Just once I want someone to be honest about their protagonist: "Her hips had seen better days and most of the time her outfits came right back out of the hamper when she woke up late. Combined with the excitingly non-brushed state of her hair and the fact that her glasses had seen better days, she frequently reminded people of a privet hedge after a particularly wet summer."

And thank you: is a gossip column not the worst idea ever for a smalltown newspaper? What about that setup does not scream, "This way to the butthurt" ?

Taxidermy-themed mysteries!

[deiseach]

At least then they'd have an excuse for falling over dead bodies. Animal bodies, okay, but at least more plausible than "I'll just pop this cake in the oven - oh drat, there's another corpse in the fridge and it's only Tuesday."

If that's too distressing for the tender-hearted readers (all those cute dead animals!) then, um, how about the wacky adventures of Millie and Tom, part-time coroners and full-time morticians in some quaint little town? Again, plausible excuse for tripping over dead bodies plus some shred of a connection to be hanging around annoying hard-working homicide cops.

Re: Taxidermy-themed mysteries!

[oddmonster]

hahahahahahahahahhahah
ow ooh ow

OMG. Laughed so hard I scared the dogs.

That's brilliant. That's. Just. Brilliant. I do love the taxidermy excuse. I want an unhinged taxidermist, though. One who stuffs the animals into little spangled jumpsuits and does a whole Elvis-themed display. One who gives them mohawks. One who recreates crucial scenes from Miami Vice with squirrels.

a w e s o m e

There is, I believe, a mortician's daughter who solves mysteries. She is pelted with the dead bodies of her classmates as this series is, if memory serves, FOR YOUNG ADULTS.

Well naturally.

One mo while I go look that up in case it's just an awesome flashback.

[deiseach]

Not just any old honey, but rosemary honey.

Now, I admit, when I was a good deal younger and somewhat stupider, I did once describe myself as having "hair like a sheaf of barley" but that was possibly under the influence of alcohol. Feel free to point and laugh.

Were I a police chief and some amateur jam-making bint broke into my crime scene and scorfled my crucial evidence, I would be thinking less "My goodness, I am so impressed by her initiative and fresh angle on the case that I will gladly ask for her assistance!" and more "I'm going to lock you up in a cell so far back in the jail, they'll have to pipe sunlight into you."

Plus, anyone who calls their daughter "Candy" needs a good slap :-)

[oddmonster]

Okay, under the influence of alcohol, who among us has NOT compared themselves to a sheaf of barley? I ask you.

They named her Candy because she was born on Halloween...YEAH.

And yet. And yet! I had a great time reading the book! Jam-making bint ftw! I cannot explain it except to say I was waiting for the Candy/Maggie revelation like whoa, and that the plot really was surprisingly good. I am shocked.

Well. I guess it's time to chuck it all in, move to a small town and start waiting for the bodies to plummet merrily around me. Question: do I have to change my name?

I shudder to think of other holiday themed names

[deiseach]

Oh, you definitely would have to change your name to something befitting your new occupation of being a gourmet sausage maker and amateur sleuth.

Something exotic, quirky, and pun-filled, yet redolent of your hair that's the colour of smoked kippers and your periwinkle eyes (the shellfish, not the flower), not to mention your high and full sun-bronzed cheekbones.

Lutetia (because you were born on the same date as the capture of the town by Caesar) Snitzel-Ponders?

Camellia Duckworth?

Fall of the Bastille McMurtry?

Fall of the Bastill McMurtry, reporting for unofficial duty, complete with hair like glistening pork

[oddmonster]

Wait hang on, that description might need some revision.

I confess I have yet to see gourmet sausagemaker hit the list, nor meat-related occupations of any kind, with the exception of a chili cook-off by Susan Wittig Albert. But her protagonist, China Bayles...runs a teashop/herb store.

In this stunning new series, meat amateur sleuth Cleopatra Melts. After Patty takes over the local butcher shop in Twaddle, MN, the first thing she hacks up is her pesky downtown business neighbor, Marge Rina. Proprietor of the butter store across the street, Marge had voiced her opinions of the new butcher loudly and often, and after she publicly confronted Patty about the size of her veal cutlets, she's found wrapped in wax paper* in the dumpster behind Patty's Meat n' Greet.

With a neat cap of hair like a well-fitted sausage casing and gammons to die for, will this stunningly beautiful sleuth find out who greased Marge before the local police chief finds her a cell? Or will she find love (and chitlins) first? Find out! In!

For Who the