Age: Chapter 22. Disarmed

[level_head]

Chapter 22. Disarmed

1 The yearling lab worker jetted into the workroom knocking a lens stand off the table. “They’re coming, Daq!”

2 “Who’s coming?”

Comments

[rowyn]

Poor Jeva! She didn't manage much of a confession.

[level_head]

Yes, that chapter did get rather different. She was originally going to make it back home first, and be spotted by Terix. It didn't work out that way; it was too far, and she was too badly injured to regain consciousness, especially enough for a longish swim. I did update the recap and will repost it along with fixes.

===|==============/ Level Head

[deckardcanine]

Poor Daq, having to deal with his dying wife so soon after his dying supervisor/confidant.

[deckardcanine]

Boy, only the non-humanity of their anatomy makes this level of violence bearable. I appreciate you doing what fairly few other writers do: the dying can fade in and out of consciousness repeatedly.

1. Add a comma after “workroom,” even if he was in a hurry.

4. Make the first comma a semicolon.

5. Consider italicizing the last sentence as well.

35. I’d make the dash a period. Add commas after “Daq” and “rage.”

36. Delete the second hyphen.

37. Change “mixed” to “mix of.”

39. Add a comma after “ago.” I’d make the dash a period.

42. I’d add a comma after “kids” within the parentheses and delete the other comma.

50. I’d put commas around “at least.”

51. The hyphen in “work-buildings” seems unnecessary.

53. “At loose arms” is cute but not as parallel as most of your adjusted phrasings.

70. Maybe amend the last sentence: “For the first time since they found her…”

85. Delete the stray quotation mark.