(no subject)
Dear 2008:
I want to get this taken care of before you're drawn out of whatever womb new years come from and allowed to take your first screaming breath of the world I've been inhabiting contentedly for a while now. I've realized now that I have made one continual grave mistake over the past year. I adopted a very French and by French I mean laissez-faire attitude towards the year 2007. I had some severely misplaced faith in that year's ability to guide itself safely and smartly to a satisfying and heartbreak-free conclusion. That shithead let me down. Sure, 2007 came through with a few wins, but all in all, it was a pretty impressive failure.
Lest there be any confusion, allow me to make this all very plain to you. This is not a list of resolutions. This is not about what I'm going to do in 2008. We're not talking about how I plan to lose 10 pounds and look sexy in my bikini by June and be able to run five miles without taking a break and stop eating chocolate and quit smoking and pay off my $75,000 credit card bill and Finally Get The Raise I Deserve! No. This isn't about me. This, 2008, is all about what you will - will, not can, or might opt to, or should - do for me. This is not a list of requests or suggestions or hopes or prayers. This is a list of demands, 2008. Listen up.
-First, and let me make this so abundantly clear it all but disappears, no one I love - and by no one I mean FUCKING NO ONE, not my lover, my partner, my friend, my family, my dog - will die this year. No one. And in the face of your predecessor's gargantuan fuck-up, no, you don't get a pass for fourteenth cousins twice removed that no one's ever met and may not actually exist. No one dies.
-I will not be diagnosed with any STDs, not even the fun "everybody's doing it!" ones that "only sort of count" like HPV.
-My car will make it through the year requiring nothing but gas, oil changes, wiper fluid, and as an absolute last resort, prayer.
-I will get into my program. I will be accepted with eager, open arms into the MBA program, the Arts Management program, and the assistantship. I understand, of course, that the onus is partially on me to accomplish this task. But that's not the point, now is it? Because I think we both know that there is no question as to whether I'll hold up my end of the deal. As for you? Well, there are a lot of questions there.
-I will not have to call the police for any reason. No car accidents, no bike accidents, no peeping toms, no nothing. I need to have no relations whatsoever with our friendly local law enforcement officers this year.
-All of the functioning electronic items I currently own or acquire any time during the year will remain functional for the entire year, longer if your successor can handle it.
-I will not get food poisoning. If at all possible, no one will get food poisoning. If food poisoning could cease to exist entirely, that'd be super.
-Just for shits and giggles, even though this hasn't happened in a while and 2007 actually did not fuck this one up, no one who ever called him or herself my best friend will see fit to abandon me for no apparent reason, using the removal of my livejournal from his or her friend's list as the only communication that our friendship has ceased. Fortunately I think I've eliminated all the worthless scumsucking pieces of shit from my circle of friends, so this is presumably unlikely.
-And lastly, I understand that this is a lot to ask, but if you could work some sort of magic to keep my classmates from being total idiots, I'd appreciate that a bunch.
I feel I have made my demands here abundantly clear, and I expect that I shall not need to make any further communications with you.
I look forward to your obedience.
Kisses,
Becka
I want to get this taken care of before you're drawn out of whatever womb new years come from and allowed to take your first screaming breath of the world I've been inhabiting contentedly for a while now. I've realized now that I have made one continual grave mistake over the past year. I adopted a very French and by French I mean laissez-faire attitude towards the year 2007. I had some severely misplaced faith in that year's ability to guide itself safely and smartly to a satisfying and heartbreak-free conclusion. That shithead let me down. Sure, 2007 came through with a few wins, but all in all, it was a pretty impressive failure.
Lest there be any confusion, allow me to make this all very plain to you. This is not a list of resolutions. This is not about what I'm going to do in 2008. We're not talking about how I plan to lose 10 pounds and look sexy in my bikini by June and be able to run five miles without taking a break and stop eating chocolate and quit smoking and pay off my $75,000 credit card bill and Finally Get The Raise I Deserve! No. This isn't about me. This, 2008, is all about what you will - will, not can, or might opt to, or should - do for me. This is not a list of requests or suggestions or hopes or prayers. This is a list of demands, 2008. Listen up.
-First, and let me make this so abundantly clear it all but disappears, no one I love - and by no one I mean FUCKING NO ONE, not my lover, my partner, my friend, my family, my dog - will die this year. No one. And in the face of your predecessor's gargantuan fuck-up, no, you don't get a pass for fourteenth cousins twice removed that no one's ever met and may not actually exist. No one dies.
-I will not be diagnosed with any STDs, not even the fun "everybody's doing it!" ones that "only sort of count" like HPV.
-My car will make it through the year requiring nothing but gas, oil changes, wiper fluid, and as an absolute last resort, prayer.
-I will get into my program. I will be accepted with eager, open arms into the MBA program, the Arts Management program, and the assistantship. I understand, of course, that the onus is partially on me to accomplish this task. But that's not the point, now is it? Because I think we both know that there is no question as to whether I'll hold up my end of the deal. As for you? Well, there are a lot of questions there.
-I will not have to call the police for any reason. No car accidents, no bike accidents, no peeping toms, no nothing. I need to have no relations whatsoever with our friendly local law enforcement officers this year.
-All of the functioning electronic items I currently own or acquire any time during the year will remain functional for the entire year, longer if your successor can handle it.
-I will not get food poisoning. If at all possible, no one will get food poisoning. If food poisoning could cease to exist entirely, that'd be super.
-Just for shits and giggles, even though this hasn't happened in a while and 2007 actually did not fuck this one up, no one who ever called him or herself my best friend will see fit to abandon me for no apparent reason, using the removal of my livejournal from his or her friend's list as the only communication that our friendship has ceased. Fortunately I think I've eliminated all the worthless scumsucking pieces of shit from my circle of friends, so this is presumably unlikely.
-And lastly, I understand that this is a lot to ask, but if you could work some sort of magic to keep my classmates from being total idiots, I'd appreciate that a bunch.
I feel I have made my demands here abundantly clear, and I expect that I shall not need to make any further communications with you.
I look forward to your obedience.
Kisses,
Becka