I like it as a story but just what kind is it suppose to be? Depending on what kind there could be some flaws. Needed more detail in certain parts. Think of it like this...you want the reader to be there with you...tasting, feeling, eating, smelling, seeing, and knowing all the inbetween lines stuff without you directly telling them what's there.
Synonyms (sp?) and even words that make you think of the same things work well.
Example....desperate and curious
Frank and Open and Straightforward
Get a peice of chocolate (I know you like chocolate) that has filling but don't cheat and look what the filling is, have it be completely random...write down what it looks like..then what you think it is made of(water, sugar, brown #20)...then bite it or eat the whole thing and write what it tastes and smells like and then write any changes to what you think it's made of.
You're right, but I'm resistant to it. The character is almost numb during the whole experience, and I wanted to get that across more than anything else. Still, it could definitely be improved upon with the language. It needs some serious editing in terms of length, as well. I think if I could get this down to one page or less, it'd be a lot stronger. This is my first attempt at short story prose in almost 8 months. That's my excuse.
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Synonyms (sp?) and even words that make you think of the same things work well.
Example....desperate and curious
Frank and Open and Straightforward
Get a peice of chocolate (I know you like chocolate) that has filling but don't cheat and look what the filling is, have it be completely random...write down what it looks like..then what you think it is made of(water, sugar, brown #20)...then bite it or eat the whole thing and write what it tastes and smells like and then write any changes to what you think it's made of.
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This is my first attempt at short story prose in almost 8 months. That's my excuse.
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