Shock - My first Legend of Korra fic!

[nyxelestia]

Title: Shock
Rating: R
Word Count: ~3500
Warnings/Content: Violence/Torture (beating, knives, electricity), angst, all H with no C (yet)
Spoilers: Nothing specific, just the overall show; shows characters introduced in ep 102 and characters not introduced yet in the show
Character/Pairings: Korra, Mako (hints of Makorra), Amon, Lieutenant, Lin Bei

Comments

[jissai1988]

...awesome. The internal struggle between her duty and her friendship is so apparent here. Im surprised she could control herself so well!

How did you find out the enemy's name? Are there more episodes out?

[nyxelestia]

It's all over every Legend of Korra comm, trailers, sneak preview clips, ect.

[pwalkeri]

(I've never beta-ed anything [or really given feedback before], but I thought I'd give some concrit a try. These are just my opinions and I mean no disrespect!)

Grammar stuffs

1) At that familiar voice, her eyes snapped open, and she turned towards it, only to gasp as her limbs screamed in protest.

There probably doesn't need a common between "open" and "and". It makes the reading kind of choppy with the extra pause.

2) Her pained hisses faded into the sound of the metal shackles around her wrists and ankles, and the chains attached to them, rattling against the cement floor as she writhed in agony.

I don't know what it is about this, but the pacing feels.. uneven? Maybe "(...) metal shackles around her wrists and ankles and the chains attached to them, rattling against (...)" or "(...metal shackles around her wrists and ankles, and the chains attacked to them rattled against (...)."

3) “I’m not going into the Avatar state,” she said finally. “No matter what you do?”

No question mark :)

Plot Questions

1) During a brief