waste not, want not
Title: waste not, want not
Author: nyansuju
Pairing: Yifan/Joonmyun
Rating: PG-15
Prompt: i
a/n: special thanks to swabluu for emotional/mental support, and my awesome beta Z because she put up with all my shit.
sorry if this is late I am in fact a procrastinator.
[for aideshou]
[sorry for the unquality]
When the apartment balconies start looking like the train tracks to an untimely death. That’s what Yifan thinks as the wind rustles his hair, so high up above. The sun was just barely dipping over the horizon, giving the world a new glow as it slowly rose, arcing along its eternal path in the sky. Yifan looked at the ground with a slight air of amusement.
“It’s not hard,” A soft, female voice said to his left. “Everything hurts less once you reach the bottom.”
“She’s right, you know.” The snarky male voice that annoyed him day in and day out said.
Yifan sighed as he looked up, watching as the sun’s glow moved across the Empire State Building.
“One step.”
“You won’t know what it feels like until you try.”
Yifan decided that he may as well, what’s the harm? He shut his eyes and simply let himself fall forward, the feeling of freedom enveloping him-
Only for a second. Yifan winced as his head hit the brick behind him, swinging a little as the vice-like grip of Joonmyun’s hand registered.
Joonmyun wheezed as he hauled Yifan up the side of the building. “How could you possibly-“
“She says you sound like an old grandfather.” Yifan looks at Joonmyun, face still red from the strain.
“She? And I suppose ‘she’ told you to do this?” Joonmyun’s whole visage sagged.
“Both of them, actually.” Yifan looked at the empty air to his left. “It would be nice if you could meet them sometime. I’m sure they’d love to talk to you in person.”
“Sure.” Joonmyun said in a placating tone. On my list right after I go to hell. “Now get up and get ready, you have class in an hour.”
________________________________________
Yifan stumbled out into the chilly air. Where was he? He shut his eyes, desperate for a moment of peace in the crowded and loud city.
“Yifan, Yifan. What are you doing? You were supposed to go meet Joonmyun for coffee almost an hour ago.” The dark haired, pale skinned man had come back and decided to give his unwanted input on Yifan’s life. “Stop getting stuck in your own world. You have the night for such activities.”
“Joonmyun! I nearly forgot…” Yifan muttered, dashing towards the coffee shop that they promised to meet at.
Heads turned as Yifan burst through the door, searching for Joonmyun with a wild look in his eyes.
Finally spotting him, Yifan trotted over to his table, plopped down in the chair opposite, and proceeded to shake him until he woke, papers flying everywhere.
“I was starting a new draft.” Joonmyun grumbled at Yifan.
“It’s not going to get published anyway. Your plot is lackluster.” The tall, dark haired, pale skinned man said.
“Chang says it’s not going to get published anyway because your plot is lackluster.” Yifan snatches Joonmyun’s hot chocolate, slowly savoring the warmth the porcelain cup was exuding.
“Well you can tell ‘Chang’ to fuck off.” Joonmyun glared at Yifan.
“How rude.” Chang turned to his female compatriot. “Don’t you think so, Yune?”
The honey blonde gave an imperceptible smile. “Considering we’re here for Yifan, I think it’s perfectly all right for Joonmyun to insult you.”
“This is why Yifan talks to me more than he talks to you.” Chang muttered darkly.
“Hey, I talk to both of you equally! Yune has more sense than you, Chang!” Joonmyun watched with his eyebrow raised as Yifan yelled at the empty space to the right of his chair.
“Yifan.”
“Yes?” Yifan turned back to Joonmyun, the brooding Chang and the smiling Yune standing to the right of his chair.
“They’re not real.”
“Of course they are, they’re right-“ Yifan turned back to Chang and Yune, to find that there was only empty space. “What did you with them?”
“Nothing.” Joonmyun frowned. “It’s all in your head.”
“Just shut up and write your book.” Yifan hugged himself, disgruntled.
________________________________________
Joonmyun groaned as he staggered up the staircase, laden with groceries of all kinds. Going grocery shopping during the middle of the night at the little 24-hour store that questionable people hang around was not his cup of tea.
He paused outside their apartment’s door, listening for movement inside. Yifan tended to do…strange things at night.
Seemingly quiet, Joonmyun opened the door to find Yifan burning an unknown substance in an aluminum pie plate, and staring at it through the lens of his Nikon, mesmerized.
“Why does the fire move like that? It’s beautiful.” Yifan murmured as he slowly changed to focal length.
“Well,” Joonmyun started.
“Oh, shut up.” Yifan lowered his camera. “Chang, you never say anything nice.”
Joonmyun sighed as he made his way to the kitchen, careful to avoid Yifan’s line of sight for fear of startling him.
After unceremoniously dumping the groceries into the fridge, Joonmyun left Yifan to his own devices and went to sleep.
He really shouldn’t have.
________________________________________
Chang laughed beside Yifan and Yune looked on in horror as the tree blazed, cinders swirling in the air.
“Maybe this wasn’t such a good idea…” Yifan murmured, his eyes slightly downcast.
“Are you kidding me, Yifan? This is the best idea I’ve had in a while!” Chang’s eyes reflected the dancing flames, reaching higher into the sky.
“Go tell Joonmyun! Quickly, before the whole building catches fire!” Yune urged Yifan towards the doors.
“Buzzkill.” Chang frowned at Yune, who looked at him reproachfully.
“You two have to keep watch, okay?” Yifan looked at his two friends commandingly. “We can’t let the building catch fire. Joonmyun’s inside. We can’t let Joonmyun catch fire.” Yifan turned and bolted up the stairs, straight to their apartment on the 15th floor.
“Joonmyun! Joonmyun!” Yifan shook desperately shook Joonmyun, trying to wake him. Why was he asleep, anyway?
“Yifan, what is it?” Joonmyun sat up and rubbed the sleep from his eyes. Yifan finds that cute, but now is not the time or place.
“I set the tree next to the apartment on fire.” Yifan looked at Joonmyun with a pleading expression. “Chang said it would be fun, but then Yune said it might burn the building down. I don’t want that. Fix it please?”
Joonmyun sprang out of his bed. “Why are you so stupid? How could you possibly do something so stupid?”
“I told you, Chang said it would be okay!”
“Chang is not real!” Joonmyun grabbed Yifan’s wrist and dragged him down the stairs, coming to where the tree was burning. “Well?”
“Where are they?” Yifan spun in a circle, looking desperate as his eyes raked over the landscape. “I left them here, I told them to stay and keep watch…”
“Just stay here.” Joonmyun ran to the nearest payphone, called the fire department; spoke in a funny English accent, and then shooed Yifan back in the apartment building.
“What about Chang, and Yune? We can’t just leave them here!” Yifan twisted in Joonmyun’s iron grip.
“Just shut up and go to sleep.” Joonmyun shoved him to the bed, locked the door and went outside.
The sirens didn’t fade until morning.
________________________________________
“Yifan, hurry up!” Joonmyun yelled from the door. “How long does it take to get ready?!”
“Chang keeps changing his mind!”
“Chang is not the one going on a date with me!”
Joonmyun did a double take as Yifan walks out in all his six-foot-three-inch glory. Clearing his throat, he quickly turned around, suddenly feeling rather nervous.
Joonmyun found himself relaxing as the date went on, even going so far as to say he was enjoying himself. He watched as Yifan looked around, taking in all the sights as if this was his first time on the streets.
Joonmyun is startled when Yifan takes his hand, but doesn’t question it. Joonmyun is ever more surprised when Yifan smiles at him, a pure, innocent smile that makes his heart do Olympics gymnastics routines and makes his nose want to start gushing blood. Luckily, he’s gotten used to repressing such things.
“What?” Yifan seems agitated all of a sudden, turning his head back and forth.
“Is something wrong?” Joonmyun tightens his grip, concern overtaking his features.
“I left Chang and Yune at home,” Yifan mutters, “but I can still hear them. Where are they?”
“J-just ignore them. We’re the ones on a date, remember?” Joonmyun is shaking now, whether from anger or fear he doesn’t know.
“Right!” The smile returns to Yifan’s face, but it can’t quell the feeling of dread in Joonmyun’s heart.
________________________________________
Joonmyun doesn’t quite remember how let his self-control slip so much. All he remembers is coming home after the date and staring at Yifan as he spun circles, the smile never slipping off his face. All he remembers is shoving him into the bedroom and kissing him fiercely, as if his life depended on it. The sound of heavy breathing, and then Joonmyun found himself at the point of no return. He could stop, thereby making himself angry and Yifan confused. Or, he could continue, make himself happy and Yifan confused.
He chose the latter.
Setting fire to Yifan’s blood, watching it burn as Joonmyun runs his hand, their hands through his hair and shh, shh, it’s okay. It’s love. This is love. That’s what Joonmyun tell himself as Yifan looks back at him, the wild look that seems like a deer caught in the headlights, the look of one who is so thoroughly confused it’s paralyzing.
Joonmyun smothers him, desperate to make him understand, to make him realize.
He realizes. He understands. Revelations come one after another as Yifan flips him, their positions switched, panting heavily in his ear.
Where in the world did he learn this? I hope he hasn’t gotten into the stash of porn the guy in 12C keeps-
“Shut up.” Yifan’s voice is barely audible as he runs his hands down Joonmyun’s torso. Joonmyun does his best to ignore him and concentrate on the feeling; this is what he’s wanted for a long time-
“I said shut up!” Yifan was full-on growling right now, and Joonmyun might have been concerned if he didn’t find it so sexy, and that Yifan was going all over the place with his mouth, oh, there, yes, there-
Joonmyun sighs, cries, grips, flying high above everyone else. He is lost in the rush of emotions that Yifan takes him through, their roles reversed, as Yifan makes Joonmyun feel save, loved, cared for. Slow and steady wins the race. Or was it the fast one that wins. Because Yifan was most certainly going fast.
________________________________________
Yifan hugged Joonmyun closer as sunlight streamed through the window. Disjointed voices that he had heard so many times before whispered “Congratulations!” or “Finally! Took you guys long enough!”
“Shush, don’t talk so loud. You guys will wake Joonmyun up.” Yifan smiled down at the sleeping figure next to him.
“What?” Joonmyun wiggles in Yifan’s grasp and blinks.
“Oh, you shouldn’t have woken up! Told you guys you were being too loud.” Yifan frowns at the voices, now smiling sheepishly back at him.
“Yifan,” Joonmyun said sleepily, “who are you talking to?”
“Can’t you see them? Hear them?”
“No.”
“Well that’s odd, I wonder why?” Yifan considered at Joonmyun curiously, clearly not understanding.
As always.
“Never mind. Just get ready for class.” Joonmyun managed to extricate himself from Yifan’s grasp.
“I’m not going to class. I’m staying home with you!” Yifan just hugged Joonmyun around the waist again, not going to give up that easily.
“Well…” Joonmyun hesitated. “Why don’t we do something today?”
“Like another date?” Yifan got excited just by thinking about it.
“Not exactly. When was the last time you went to a doctor?”
________________________________________
“Acute schizophrenia.” The doctor with the odd mustache told Joonmyun. “I’m surprised he’s functioned this long in society without causing serious problems.”
“Oh, he’s caused problems all right…” Joonmyun muttered. “Is there anything we can do to help him?”
“There are medicines to help with the hallucinations and delusions. However, considering how attached he is to these ‘delusions’, I would consider a long-lasting injection, not a daily oral pill. This reduces chance of relapse and there would be fewer struggles on your part.”
“I don’t think he would submit to an injection. It would be harder to explain than pills.”
“Do what you like.” The doctor shrugged his shoulders. “I’ll write you a prescription. Make sure he takes them.”
“Right.” Joonmyun was left with a small slip of paper and told to go collect Yifan from the examination room.
“Joonmyun!” Yifan smiled as soon as he saw Joonmyun open the door. “Chang was just saying how much he hated doctors.”
“Right, I’m sure he does. We have to go to a pharmacy, then we can go back home.”
“Why a pharmacy? Am I sick? I don’t feel sick. Joonmyun, is something wrong with me?” Yifan jumped up and squeezed Joonmyun’s arm.
“It’s nothing serious. You just have a cold.” Joonmyun smiled lightly at Yifan, though he did feel bad for lying to him. “Come on, hurry up. I’m hungry.”
________________________________________
“He’s lying to you.” Chang looked snarky as ever when Yifan was presented with a small green pill and a glass of water after dinner.
“Shut up, Chang.” Yifan said, and Joonmyun looked surprisingly relaxed.
“He’s trying to take us away from you. The medicine will make us go away.” Chang was now glaring at Yifan, Yune standing next to him, looking slightly worried.
“He’s right. I don’t want us to be separated. Don’t take the pill, Yifan.” Yune laid her hand on Yifan’s shoulder, surprisingly cold.
“Joonmyun, I don’t want the pill.” Yifan sighs and looks at Joonmyun. “I can’t take it.”
“You don’t have a choice. You have to take it. Don’t you want to get better, Yifan?” Joonmyun frowns, gently putting his hand on Yifan’s shoulder, surprisingly warm.
“Well…” Yifan looks confused for a second before tilts his chin back, opens his mouth, and slips the pill inside before he could say anything. He then proceeds to kiss Yifan so hard, it nearly knocks him off his feet.
“You should have listened to us.” Yune looked at him sadly, her presence slowly fading.
“Yifan, you fool. What do you plan to do without us? Do you really think you can make it by yourself out in the cold, hard world? Do you really think that making us leave will make Joonmyun like you better? It won’t! You’re absolutely lost without us!” Chang’s arrogant face slowly faded from Yifan’s vision, leaving the bitter aftertaste of loneliness.
“They’re gone!” Yifan turned to Joonmyun frantically. “Chang and Yune just disappeared!”
“Don’t worry; it’s just side effects of the medicine.” Joonmyun was perfectly calm. “They’ll come back once you get better.” Lies upon lies. Joonmyun wasn’t sure if he could keep up with them.
________________________________________
Joonmyun smiled in the morning. A peaceful night, without Yifan’s constant mutterings, talking to his so-called friends.
However, when he walked into their living room, Joonmyun couldn’t help but be a little concerned. There, in the center, sat Yifan, smiling happily, as if his friends had never left.
“They’re back!” Yifan looked up at Joonmyun as he entered the room, grinning like a madman.
Oh, right.
“Already?” Joonmyun faked a smile to the best of his ability. We’re going to need some stronger meds.
“Yes! Chang and Yune, say hi! Didn’t you miss Joonmyun’s pretty face?” Joonmyun grimaced slightly as Yifan laughed, standing up and grasping the empty air to his right.
Very strong meds.
________________________________________
The pill went in without any complaint in the evening, Yifan telling Joonmyun “I wish they didn’t have to go away, but at least they come back in the morning!” and Joonmyun smiling sheepishly and saying “Yeah, I wish that too.”
________________________________________
The days blurred together as Joonmyun and Yifan blended into a routine, with Joonmyun waking up in the morning and finding Yifan smiling and happy, and Yifan compliantly taking his medicine every night, only to wake up in the morning and finding that his friends took just a little longer to come back.
Joonmyun took no notice, and the two lived a peaceful life, the life Joonmyun always wanted. The life of dates every week, coming home at night to a normal house, finding the normalcy he always craved, something he desired, but couldn’t have with Yifan. Until the glorious medicine, of course.
However, Yifan is lost and confused. Stuck in a maze with no way out, Yifan wishes every day that his voices would come back faster. But with his life so full of Joonmyun, there is nothing he can do. Joonmyun blots everything out, Joonmyun’s kisses and words and touches and everything. And yet, Yifan is still unsatisfied. Yifan is still alone.
Every night before he takes his medicine, the voices would whisper “Don’t take it, Yifan. Don’t take it.”
Yifan wanted to become whole again.
How to do it was the problem.
________________________________________
Joonmyun enters the apartment a few months later to find Yifan staring at the ceiling, dark circles under his eyes.
“Usually they come back in the morning.” Yifan spoke slowly, as if concentrating on every word. “They didn’t come back at all today…”
“Really? Joonmyun said disinterestedly. “Hey, did you already eat dinner, or are we eating together?”
“Joonmyun.” Yifan sits up. “The voices didn’t come back.”
“You already said that.” Joonmyun begins rummaging through the fridge. “Did we run out of lettuce already? I don’t remember eating all that much-”
“Joonmyun! The voices didn’t come back!” Yifan stands. “Why didn’t they come back?”
“Well, I don’t really know. I guess after a while they just go away. You imagined them anyway, they’re not real.” Joonmyun turns around, facing Yifan. “Why do you care about them so much? If they aren’t real, they don’t have any value anyway.”
“But why didn’t they come back? Why?! You promised they would, Joonmyun!” Yifan moved to Joonmyun, covering ground quickly with his long strides. “You promised!”
“There’s nothing I can do about it!” Joonmyun backed up until he was pressed against the fridge, the cold seeping into his shirt. “I told you a while ago, the medicine-”
“I’m not sick! I never was sick! You, you’re jealous of the voices, aren’t you?! I love you too, you know! But I need the voices! The voices were right all along, you were trying to get rid of them!” Yifan straightened up suddenly, his dark shadow cast over Yifan.
“I’m sorry. I can’t let you do that. I need them. I depend on them.” He insisted.
Joonmyun really shouldn’t have left the knife on the kitchen counter. He had just wanted to chop up some lettuce to eat. Though nobody could really think ahead to such a matter, and not that the lettuce really mattered anymore, seeing as there was a large amount of blood and an unmoving body on the fridge door. Yifan felt the warmth ooze out of Joonmyun with every drop of blood that his still beating heart pumped out, gradually letting go, his hands coming away a dark crimson. Yifan stared at the body, now slowly sinking on the floor, accompanied by the sickening drip drip of blood. Yifan stared as red blossomed over the black and white checkered tiles, staining the hem of his jeans a deep shade of scarlet.
He didn’t take his medicine that night.
________________________________________
Yifan felt lost. This wasn’t a new feeling to him. He dared not venture near the kitchen, where they body lay. The voices were there now, though. After the few weeks that had passed, Yifan was surprised Joonmyun’s body hadn’t started decomposing, though he supposed that the cold of the fridge helped.
The stench of blood was beginning to bother him, though.
The voices went on non-stop nowadays. They talked so much Yifan was beginning to think he was crazy, and maybe Joonmyun was right. But the medicine was all gone now, and Yifan didn’t want to go get a prescription for fear of being found out.
So he stayed like that, with the voices chattering in his ear, day in, day out. He didn’t quite mind, until he realized he didn’t know how to cook, he didn’t have the feeling of body heat by his side when he slept. He didn’t have a lot of things without Joonmyun.
And then, the voices started saying things like “How could you do that to Joonmyun? He loved you,” and “Now you’re all alone. We’re not real. You know that.” Yifan did his best to ignore them, but it’s very hard when they are the only think you can hear.
________________________________________
Yifan nearly screamed with desperation, the voices so ear-splittingly loud that he was getting a migraine. Yifan closed his eyes, his ears pulsing as he heard them shriek ‘you killed him!’ over and over. Yifan spun in an endless circle, trying to find the source of the elusive voice, but of course, there was none. He dashed out of the apartment, slamming the door and locking it in a last-ditch attempt to get rid of the voices, and sprinted up the nearest staircase to the roof.
Finally. Silence.
“You know,” Chang started, causing Yifan to whip his head around. “Joonmyun wasn’t a bad guy. You didn’t have to kill him.”
“In fact, Joonmyun was the only one who could keep you alive. Kind of ironic that you killed him, isn’t it?” Yune’s menacing tone came as a surprise. “Of course, you’re always doing stupid things, aren’t you?” She looked up at him, a sickening smile plastered on her face.
“But I did it for you!” Yifan turned in desperation. “I needed you, so…”
“Do you really need us?” Chang snickered slightly. “I don’t think so. Joonmyun was real. We aren’t. And yet you chose us. Doesn’t make a whole lot of sense, does it?”
“How…how do I fix it?”
“Joonmyun isn’t coming back, obviously. Once you kill somebody, that’s it. No turning back. Should have thought it through. Too bad for you, I suppose.” Yune smirked at Yifan, her honey blonde hair glowing slightly as the sun rose. “But I think you know how to fix it.”
“It’s not hard,” She said, her voice turning soft and velvety. “Everything hurts less once you reach the bottom.”
“She’s right, you know.” He smiled at Yifan.
Yifan sighed as he looked up, watching as the sun’s glow moved across the Empire State Building.
“One step.”
“You won’t know what it feels like until you try.”
“But I can assure you won’t feel anything after that.”
Yifan shuts his eyes and simply lets himself fall forward, the feeling of freedom and air enveloping him-
And this time, Joonmyun isn’t there to catch him.
Author: nyansuju
Pairing: Yifan/Joonmyun
Rating: PG-15
Prompt: i
a/n: special thanks to swabluu for emotional/mental support, and my awesome beta Z because she put up with all my shit.
sorry if this is late I am in fact a procrastinator.
[for aideshou]
[sorry for the unquality]
When the apartment balconies start looking like the train tracks to an untimely death. That’s what Yifan thinks as the wind rustles his hair, so high up above. The sun was just barely dipping over the horizon, giving the world a new glow as it slowly rose, arcing along its eternal path in the sky. Yifan looked at the ground with a slight air of amusement.
“It’s not hard,” A soft, female voice said to his left. “Everything hurts less once you reach the bottom.”
“She’s right, you know.” The snarky male voice that annoyed him day in and day out said.
Yifan sighed as he looked up, watching as the sun’s glow moved across the Empire State Building.
“One step.”
“You won’t know what it feels like until you try.”
Yifan decided that he may as well, what’s the harm? He shut his eyes and simply let himself fall forward, the feeling of freedom enveloping him-
Only for a second. Yifan winced as his head hit the brick behind him, swinging a little as the vice-like grip of Joonmyun’s hand registered.
Joonmyun wheezed as he hauled Yifan up the side of the building. “How could you possibly-“
“She says you sound like an old grandfather.” Yifan looks at Joonmyun, face still red from the strain.
“She? And I suppose ‘she’ told you to do this?” Joonmyun’s whole visage sagged.
“Both of them, actually.” Yifan looked at the empty air to his left. “It would be nice if you could meet them sometime. I’m sure they’d love to talk to you in person.”
“Sure.” Joonmyun said in a placating tone. On my list right after I go to hell. “Now get up and get ready, you have class in an hour.”
________________________________________
Yifan stumbled out into the chilly air. Where was he? He shut his eyes, desperate for a moment of peace in the crowded and loud city.
“Yifan, Yifan. What are you doing? You were supposed to go meet Joonmyun for coffee almost an hour ago.” The dark haired, pale skinned man had come back and decided to give his unwanted input on Yifan’s life. “Stop getting stuck in your own world. You have the night for such activities.”
“Joonmyun! I nearly forgot…” Yifan muttered, dashing towards the coffee shop that they promised to meet at.
Heads turned as Yifan burst through the door, searching for Joonmyun with a wild look in his eyes.
Finally spotting him, Yifan trotted over to his table, plopped down in the chair opposite, and proceeded to shake him until he woke, papers flying everywhere.
“I was starting a new draft.” Joonmyun grumbled at Yifan.
“It’s not going to get published anyway. Your plot is lackluster.” The tall, dark haired, pale skinned man said.
“Chang says it’s not going to get published anyway because your plot is lackluster.” Yifan snatches Joonmyun’s hot chocolate, slowly savoring the warmth the porcelain cup was exuding.
“Well you can tell ‘Chang’ to fuck off.” Joonmyun glared at Yifan.
“How rude.” Chang turned to his female compatriot. “Don’t you think so, Yune?”
The honey blonde gave an imperceptible smile. “Considering we’re here for Yifan, I think it’s perfectly all right for Joonmyun to insult you.”
“This is why Yifan talks to me more than he talks to you.” Chang muttered darkly.
“Hey, I talk to both of you equally! Yune has more sense than you, Chang!” Joonmyun watched with his eyebrow raised as Yifan yelled at the empty space to the right of his chair.
“Yifan.”
“Yes?” Yifan turned back to Joonmyun, the brooding Chang and the smiling Yune standing to the right of his chair.
“They’re not real.”
“Of course they are, they’re right-“ Yifan turned back to Chang and Yune, to find that there was only empty space. “What did you with them?”
“Nothing.” Joonmyun frowned. “It’s all in your head.”
“Just shut up and write your book.” Yifan hugged himself, disgruntled.
________________________________________
Joonmyun groaned as he staggered up the staircase, laden with groceries of all kinds. Going grocery shopping during the middle of the night at the little 24-hour store that questionable people hang around was not his cup of tea.
He paused outside their apartment’s door, listening for movement inside. Yifan tended to do…strange things at night.
Seemingly quiet, Joonmyun opened the door to find Yifan burning an unknown substance in an aluminum pie plate, and staring at it through the lens of his Nikon, mesmerized.
“Why does the fire move like that? It’s beautiful.” Yifan murmured as he slowly changed to focal length.
“Well,” Joonmyun started.
“Oh, shut up.” Yifan lowered his camera. “Chang, you never say anything nice.”
Joonmyun sighed as he made his way to the kitchen, careful to avoid Yifan’s line of sight for fear of startling him.
After unceremoniously dumping the groceries into the fridge, Joonmyun left Yifan to his own devices and went to sleep.
He really shouldn’t have.
________________________________________
Chang laughed beside Yifan and Yune looked on in horror as the tree blazed, cinders swirling in the air.
“Maybe this wasn’t such a good idea…” Yifan murmured, his eyes slightly downcast.
“Are you kidding me, Yifan? This is the best idea I’ve had in a while!” Chang’s eyes reflected the dancing flames, reaching higher into the sky.
“Go tell Joonmyun! Quickly, before the whole building catches fire!” Yune urged Yifan towards the doors.
“Buzzkill.” Chang frowned at Yune, who looked at him reproachfully.
“You two have to keep watch, okay?” Yifan looked at his two friends commandingly. “We can’t let the building catch fire. Joonmyun’s inside. We can’t let Joonmyun catch fire.” Yifan turned and bolted up the stairs, straight to their apartment on the 15th floor.
“Joonmyun! Joonmyun!” Yifan shook desperately shook Joonmyun, trying to wake him. Why was he asleep, anyway?
“Yifan, what is it?” Joonmyun sat up and rubbed the sleep from his eyes. Yifan finds that cute, but now is not the time or place.
“I set the tree next to the apartment on fire.” Yifan looked at Joonmyun with a pleading expression. “Chang said it would be fun, but then Yune said it might burn the building down. I don’t want that. Fix it please?”
Joonmyun sprang out of his bed. “Why are you so stupid? How could you possibly do something so stupid?”
“I told you, Chang said it would be okay!”
“Chang is not real!” Joonmyun grabbed Yifan’s wrist and dragged him down the stairs, coming to where the tree was burning. “Well?”
“Where are they?” Yifan spun in a circle, looking desperate as his eyes raked over the landscape. “I left them here, I told them to stay and keep watch…”
“Just stay here.” Joonmyun ran to the nearest payphone, called the fire department; spoke in a funny English accent, and then shooed Yifan back in the apartment building.
“What about Chang, and Yune? We can’t just leave them here!” Yifan twisted in Joonmyun’s iron grip.
“Just shut up and go to sleep.” Joonmyun shoved him to the bed, locked the door and went outside.
The sirens didn’t fade until morning.
________________________________________
“Yifan, hurry up!” Joonmyun yelled from the door. “How long does it take to get ready?!”
“Chang keeps changing his mind!”
“Chang is not the one going on a date with me!”
Joonmyun did a double take as Yifan walks out in all his six-foot-three-inch glory. Clearing his throat, he quickly turned around, suddenly feeling rather nervous.
Joonmyun found himself relaxing as the date went on, even going so far as to say he was enjoying himself. He watched as Yifan looked around, taking in all the sights as if this was his first time on the streets.
Joonmyun is startled when Yifan takes his hand, but doesn’t question it. Joonmyun is ever more surprised when Yifan smiles at him, a pure, innocent smile that makes his heart do Olympics gymnastics routines and makes his nose want to start gushing blood. Luckily, he’s gotten used to repressing such things.
“What?” Yifan seems agitated all of a sudden, turning his head back and forth.
“Is something wrong?” Joonmyun tightens his grip, concern overtaking his features.
“I left Chang and Yune at home,” Yifan mutters, “but I can still hear them. Where are they?”
“J-just ignore them. We’re the ones on a date, remember?” Joonmyun is shaking now, whether from anger or fear he doesn’t know.
“Right!” The smile returns to Yifan’s face, but it can’t quell the feeling of dread in Joonmyun’s heart.
________________________________________
Joonmyun doesn’t quite remember how let his self-control slip so much. All he remembers is coming home after the date and staring at Yifan as he spun circles, the smile never slipping off his face. All he remembers is shoving him into the bedroom and kissing him fiercely, as if his life depended on it. The sound of heavy breathing, and then Joonmyun found himself at the point of no return. He could stop, thereby making himself angry and Yifan confused. Or, he could continue, make himself happy and Yifan confused.
He chose the latter.
Setting fire to Yifan’s blood, watching it burn as Joonmyun runs his hand, their hands through his hair and shh, shh, it’s okay. It’s love. This is love. That’s what Joonmyun tell himself as Yifan looks back at him, the wild look that seems like a deer caught in the headlights, the look of one who is so thoroughly confused it’s paralyzing.
Joonmyun smothers him, desperate to make him understand, to make him realize.
He realizes. He understands. Revelations come one after another as Yifan flips him, their positions switched, panting heavily in his ear.
Where in the world did he learn this? I hope he hasn’t gotten into the stash of porn the guy in 12C keeps-
“Shut up.” Yifan’s voice is barely audible as he runs his hands down Joonmyun’s torso. Joonmyun does his best to ignore him and concentrate on the feeling; this is what he’s wanted for a long time-
“I said shut up!” Yifan was full-on growling right now, and Joonmyun might have been concerned if he didn’t find it so sexy, and that Yifan was going all over the place with his mouth, oh, there, yes, there-
Joonmyun sighs, cries, grips, flying high above everyone else. He is lost in the rush of emotions that Yifan takes him through, their roles reversed, as Yifan makes Joonmyun feel save, loved, cared for. Slow and steady wins the race. Or was it the fast one that wins. Because Yifan was most certainly going fast.
________________________________________
Yifan hugged Joonmyun closer as sunlight streamed through the window. Disjointed voices that he had heard so many times before whispered “Congratulations!” or “Finally! Took you guys long enough!”
“Shush, don’t talk so loud. You guys will wake Joonmyun up.” Yifan smiled down at the sleeping figure next to him.
“What?” Joonmyun wiggles in Yifan’s grasp and blinks.
“Oh, you shouldn’t have woken up! Told you guys you were being too loud.” Yifan frowns at the voices, now smiling sheepishly back at him.
“Yifan,” Joonmyun said sleepily, “who are you talking to?”
“Can’t you see them? Hear them?”
“No.”
“Well that’s odd, I wonder why?” Yifan considered at Joonmyun curiously, clearly not understanding.
As always.
“Never mind. Just get ready for class.” Joonmyun managed to extricate himself from Yifan’s grasp.
“I’m not going to class. I’m staying home with you!” Yifan just hugged Joonmyun around the waist again, not going to give up that easily.
“Well…” Joonmyun hesitated. “Why don’t we do something today?”
“Like another date?” Yifan got excited just by thinking about it.
“Not exactly. When was the last time you went to a doctor?”
________________________________________
“Acute schizophrenia.” The doctor with the odd mustache told Joonmyun. “I’m surprised he’s functioned this long in society without causing serious problems.”
“Oh, he’s caused problems all right…” Joonmyun muttered. “Is there anything we can do to help him?”
“There are medicines to help with the hallucinations and delusions. However, considering how attached he is to these ‘delusions’, I would consider a long-lasting injection, not a daily oral pill. This reduces chance of relapse and there would be fewer struggles on your part.”
“I don’t think he would submit to an injection. It would be harder to explain than pills.”
“Do what you like.” The doctor shrugged his shoulders. “I’ll write you a prescription. Make sure he takes them.”
“Right.” Joonmyun was left with a small slip of paper and told to go collect Yifan from the examination room.
“Joonmyun!” Yifan smiled as soon as he saw Joonmyun open the door. “Chang was just saying how much he hated doctors.”
“Right, I’m sure he does. We have to go to a pharmacy, then we can go back home.”
“Why a pharmacy? Am I sick? I don’t feel sick. Joonmyun, is something wrong with me?” Yifan jumped up and squeezed Joonmyun’s arm.
“It’s nothing serious. You just have a cold.” Joonmyun smiled lightly at Yifan, though he did feel bad for lying to him. “Come on, hurry up. I’m hungry.”
________________________________________
“He’s lying to you.” Chang looked snarky as ever when Yifan was presented with a small green pill and a glass of water after dinner.
“Shut up, Chang.” Yifan said, and Joonmyun looked surprisingly relaxed.
“He’s trying to take us away from you. The medicine will make us go away.” Chang was now glaring at Yifan, Yune standing next to him, looking slightly worried.
“He’s right. I don’t want us to be separated. Don’t take the pill, Yifan.” Yune laid her hand on Yifan’s shoulder, surprisingly cold.
“Joonmyun, I don’t want the pill.” Yifan sighs and looks at Joonmyun. “I can’t take it.”
“You don’t have a choice. You have to take it. Don’t you want to get better, Yifan?” Joonmyun frowns, gently putting his hand on Yifan’s shoulder, surprisingly warm.
“Well…” Yifan looks confused for a second before tilts his chin back, opens his mouth, and slips the pill inside before he could say anything. He then proceeds to kiss Yifan so hard, it nearly knocks him off his feet.
“You should have listened to us.” Yune looked at him sadly, her presence slowly fading.
“Yifan, you fool. What do you plan to do without us? Do you really think you can make it by yourself out in the cold, hard world? Do you really think that making us leave will make Joonmyun like you better? It won’t! You’re absolutely lost without us!” Chang’s arrogant face slowly faded from Yifan’s vision, leaving the bitter aftertaste of loneliness.
“They’re gone!” Yifan turned to Joonmyun frantically. “Chang and Yune just disappeared!”
“Don’t worry; it’s just side effects of the medicine.” Joonmyun was perfectly calm. “They’ll come back once you get better.” Lies upon lies. Joonmyun wasn’t sure if he could keep up with them.
________________________________________
Joonmyun smiled in the morning. A peaceful night, without Yifan’s constant mutterings, talking to his so-called friends.
However, when he walked into their living room, Joonmyun couldn’t help but be a little concerned. There, in the center, sat Yifan, smiling happily, as if his friends had never left.
“They’re back!” Yifan looked up at Joonmyun as he entered the room, grinning like a madman.
Oh, right.
“Already?” Joonmyun faked a smile to the best of his ability. We’re going to need some stronger meds.
“Yes! Chang and Yune, say hi! Didn’t you miss Joonmyun’s pretty face?” Joonmyun grimaced slightly as Yifan laughed, standing up and grasping the empty air to his right.
Very strong meds.
________________________________________
The pill went in without any complaint in the evening, Yifan telling Joonmyun “I wish they didn’t have to go away, but at least they come back in the morning!” and Joonmyun smiling sheepishly and saying “Yeah, I wish that too.”
________________________________________
The days blurred together as Joonmyun and Yifan blended into a routine, with Joonmyun waking up in the morning and finding Yifan smiling and happy, and Yifan compliantly taking his medicine every night, only to wake up in the morning and finding that his friends took just a little longer to come back.
Joonmyun took no notice, and the two lived a peaceful life, the life Joonmyun always wanted. The life of dates every week, coming home at night to a normal house, finding the normalcy he always craved, something he desired, but couldn’t have with Yifan. Until the glorious medicine, of course.
However, Yifan is lost and confused. Stuck in a maze with no way out, Yifan wishes every day that his voices would come back faster. But with his life so full of Joonmyun, there is nothing he can do. Joonmyun blots everything out, Joonmyun’s kisses and words and touches and everything. And yet, Yifan is still unsatisfied. Yifan is still alone.
Every night before he takes his medicine, the voices would whisper “Don’t take it, Yifan. Don’t take it.”
Yifan wanted to become whole again.
How to do it was the problem.
________________________________________
Joonmyun enters the apartment a few months later to find Yifan staring at the ceiling, dark circles under his eyes.
“Usually they come back in the morning.” Yifan spoke slowly, as if concentrating on every word. “They didn’t come back at all today…”
“Really? Joonmyun said disinterestedly. “Hey, did you already eat dinner, or are we eating together?”
“Joonmyun.” Yifan sits up. “The voices didn’t come back.”
“You already said that.” Joonmyun begins rummaging through the fridge. “Did we run out of lettuce already? I don’t remember eating all that much-”
“Joonmyun! The voices didn’t come back!” Yifan stands. “Why didn’t they come back?”
“Well, I don’t really know. I guess after a while they just go away. You imagined them anyway, they’re not real.” Joonmyun turns around, facing Yifan. “Why do you care about them so much? If they aren’t real, they don’t have any value anyway.”
“But why didn’t they come back? Why?! You promised they would, Joonmyun!” Yifan moved to Joonmyun, covering ground quickly with his long strides. “You promised!”
“There’s nothing I can do about it!” Joonmyun backed up until he was pressed against the fridge, the cold seeping into his shirt. “I told you a while ago, the medicine-”
“I’m not sick! I never was sick! You, you’re jealous of the voices, aren’t you?! I love you too, you know! But I need the voices! The voices were right all along, you were trying to get rid of them!” Yifan straightened up suddenly, his dark shadow cast over Yifan.
“I’m sorry. I can’t let you do that. I need them. I depend on them.” He insisted.
Joonmyun really shouldn’t have left the knife on the kitchen counter. He had just wanted to chop up some lettuce to eat. Though nobody could really think ahead to such a matter, and not that the lettuce really mattered anymore, seeing as there was a large amount of blood and an unmoving body on the fridge door. Yifan felt the warmth ooze out of Joonmyun with every drop of blood that his still beating heart pumped out, gradually letting go, his hands coming away a dark crimson. Yifan stared at the body, now slowly sinking on the floor, accompanied by the sickening drip drip of blood. Yifan stared as red blossomed over the black and white checkered tiles, staining the hem of his jeans a deep shade of scarlet.
He didn’t take his medicine that night.
________________________________________
Yifan felt lost. This wasn’t a new feeling to him. He dared not venture near the kitchen, where they body lay. The voices were there now, though. After the few weeks that had passed, Yifan was surprised Joonmyun’s body hadn’t started decomposing, though he supposed that the cold of the fridge helped.
The stench of blood was beginning to bother him, though.
The voices went on non-stop nowadays. They talked so much Yifan was beginning to think he was crazy, and maybe Joonmyun was right. But the medicine was all gone now, and Yifan didn’t want to go get a prescription for fear of being found out.
So he stayed like that, with the voices chattering in his ear, day in, day out. He didn’t quite mind, until he realized he didn’t know how to cook, he didn’t have the feeling of body heat by his side when he slept. He didn’t have a lot of things without Joonmyun.
And then, the voices started saying things like “How could you do that to Joonmyun? He loved you,” and “Now you’re all alone. We’re not real. You know that.” Yifan did his best to ignore them, but it’s very hard when they are the only think you can hear.
________________________________________
Yifan nearly screamed with desperation, the voices so ear-splittingly loud that he was getting a migraine. Yifan closed his eyes, his ears pulsing as he heard them shriek ‘you killed him!’ over and over. Yifan spun in an endless circle, trying to find the source of the elusive voice, but of course, there was none. He dashed out of the apartment, slamming the door and locking it in a last-ditch attempt to get rid of the voices, and sprinted up the nearest staircase to the roof.
Finally. Silence.
“You know,” Chang started, causing Yifan to whip his head around. “Joonmyun wasn’t a bad guy. You didn’t have to kill him.”
“In fact, Joonmyun was the only one who could keep you alive. Kind of ironic that you killed him, isn’t it?” Yune’s menacing tone came as a surprise. “Of course, you’re always doing stupid things, aren’t you?” She looked up at him, a sickening smile plastered on her face.
“But I did it for you!” Yifan turned in desperation. “I needed you, so…”
“Do you really need us?” Chang snickered slightly. “I don’t think so. Joonmyun was real. We aren’t. And yet you chose us. Doesn’t make a whole lot of sense, does it?”
“How…how do I fix it?”
“Joonmyun isn’t coming back, obviously. Once you kill somebody, that’s it. No turning back. Should have thought it through. Too bad for you, I suppose.” Yune smirked at Yifan, her honey blonde hair glowing slightly as the sun rose. “But I think you know how to fix it.”
“It’s not hard,” She said, her voice turning soft and velvety. “Everything hurts less once you reach the bottom.”
“She’s right, you know.” He smiled at Yifan.
Yifan sighed as he looked up, watching as the sun’s glow moved across the Empire State Building.
“One step.”
“You won’t know what it feels like until you try.”
“But I can assure you won’t feel anything after that.”
Yifan shuts his eyes and simply lets himself fall forward, the feeling of freedom and air enveloping him-
And this time, Joonmyun isn’t there to catch him.