Top 6 Reasons Why Harold from Top Chef & I Are Not Meant to Be
This is because Kim asked for it. And she gets what she wants.
Oh Harold, I could write about why I think you're fantastic. Like that toolish way you throw your jacket over your shoulder in the opening sequence, or because you're a NY-er, or because I had a cousin who went to CIA (who I think in fact was there when you were, hmmm...). Yes, those are lobsters in the photo to the right. I know Bravo made you and it's not your fault you took the silliest, most toolish promo shot ever. But I must blog about why we could never work.
6) You remind me of Bryce from Strip Search (my summer reality tv fetish is showing). Why did the guys have to make fun of you for being fat, Bryce? There's nothing wrong with a tummy. There is something wrong with being a whiny, douchey baby. But I digress...
5) You kinda looks like a muppet. Bert? Sam the Eagle? I dunno, maybe it's just the closed
mouth smile thing. God, I love closed mouth smiles. Ok fine, you're right. I've always loved people that look like muppets. Like Ringo. Dammit.
4) Then there's the whole "maybe gay" thing. You're too cute to be straight, right? It just seems like Bravo was really trying to cash in on those baby blues when they said in your bio: "in high school [he] discovered that it was a great way to meet girls." Good job Bravo. Now you've got him squirming on the reunion couch to the age old "are you single?" Mission accomplished. Oh Harold, what bit made you uncomfortable? Discussing your relationship status? Those gay insinuations? Terrifying message board fangirls(boys?!)? The likely possibility that it was in fact Katie Lee Joel hitting on you? (Her husband is Billy Joel!? wtf?!) Or maybe it was the other bitch. I dunno. 10 episodes in and I still couldn't tell them apart. But your discomfort was endearing. Your myspace page says you're single, so a girl can dream, right? I mean... I refuse to be heartbroken by one more "maybe gay".
3) The pencil. Wow, it's so hot. And irritating. Why do you need a pencil when you have 2 pens on your coat? Why is it always a different, yet brightly patterned pencil? Where do you put a pencil sharpener in a kitchen? Why do I still think it's so great because I love it when people have quirky trademarks?
2) The v-necks. As mentioned with the pencil, I enjoy a good trademark. I thought the whole the vneck tee/undershirt/pj thing was pretty hot (so are the glasses). But the longer I watched their presence the more they make me think of the dirty Jarmans (dammit they're hot too) and/or a doctor. Like a Matthew Fox on Lost doctor. I hate Matthew Fox. Oh no wait, that's Kim. I think Matthew Fox is pretty hot sometimes. And a pretty horrible actor the rest of the time.
1) And finally, the whole food thing. I don't really like food all that much. You might even say I avoid eating. But I would let you cook that fried grilled cheese for me all day and all night. Until I got very very fat.
But wanting you to make me fried food all day and all night is kind of an insult to your talent, which knowing little about food, I can only assume you
have. I mean, you've used dandelion! Huh? What? How?
I'm supposed to think that the below are really great appetizing dishes. And they do look good. But not as good as all that fried shit. Mmmm. See this is why we could never work.
Don't look so upset Harold. I will come to your restaurant when it opens. Serve me a nice duck and maybe we'll talk.
Oh Harold, I could write about why I think you're fantastic. Like that toolish way you throw your jacket over your shoulder in the opening sequence, or because you're a NY-er, or because I had a cousin who went to CIA (who I think in fact was there when you were, hmmm...). Yes, those are lobsters in the photo to the right. I know Bravo made you and it's not your fault you took the silliest, most toolish promo shot ever. But I must blog about why we could never work.
6) You remind me of Bryce from Strip Search (my summer reality tv fetish is showing). Why did the guys have to make fun of you for being fat, Bryce? There's nothing wrong with a tummy. There is something wrong with being a whiny, douchey baby. But I digress...
5) You kinda looks like a muppet. Bert? Sam the Eagle? I dunno, maybe it's just the closed
mouth smile thing. God, I love closed mouth smiles. Ok fine, you're right. I've always loved people that look like muppets. Like Ringo. Dammit.
4) Then there's the whole "maybe gay" thing. You're too cute to be straight, right? It just seems like Bravo was really trying to cash in on those baby blues when they said in your bio: "in high school [he] discovered that it was a great way to meet girls." Good job Bravo. Now you've got him squirming on the reunion couch to the age old "are you single?" Mission accomplished. Oh Harold, what bit made you uncomfortable? Discussing your relationship status? Those gay insinuations? Terrifying message board fangirls(boys?!)? The likely possibility that it was in fact Katie Lee Joel hitting on you? (Her husband is Billy Joel!? wtf?!) Or maybe it was the other bitch. I dunno. 10 episodes in and I still couldn't tell them apart. But your discomfort was endearing. Your myspace page says you're single, so a girl can dream, right? I mean... I refuse to be heartbroken by one more "maybe gay".
3) The pencil. Wow, it's so hot. And irritating. Why do you need a pencil when you have 2 pens on your coat? Why is it always a different, yet brightly patterned pencil? Where do you put a pencil sharpener in a kitchen? Why do I still think it's so great because I love it when people have quirky trademarks?
2) The v-necks. As mentioned with the pencil, I enjoy a good trademark. I thought the whole the vneck tee/undershirt/pj thing was pretty hot (so are the glasses). But the longer I watched their presence the more they make me think of the dirty Jarmans (dammit they're hot too) and/or a doctor. Like a Matthew Fox on Lost doctor. I hate Matthew Fox. Oh no wait, that's Kim. I think Matthew Fox is pretty hot sometimes. And a pretty horrible actor the rest of the time.
1) And finally, the whole food thing. I don't really like food all that much. You might even say I avoid eating. But I would let you cook that fried grilled cheese for me all day and all night. Until I got very very fat.
But wanting you to make me fried food all day and all night is kind of an insult to your talent, which knowing little about food, I can only assume you
have. I mean, you've used dandelion! Huh? What? How?
I'm supposed to think that the below are really great appetizing dishes. And they do look good. But not as good as all that fried shit. Mmmm. See this is why we could never work.
Don't look so upset Harold. I will come to your restaurant when it opens. Serve me a nice duck and maybe we'll talk.