Without Filters Things Get Ugly
When I just "let it all hang out" without any filters at the time, things can get ugly. There was when I attacked Paladin while we were trying to process my jealousy, there is when I yelled at Oryx and she fell down the stairs in her hurry when she stormed away, there is when Paladin broke a jar over his head due to my angry words... These are three very recent examples of how my sharing my feelings upfront without worrying about other people's triggers was no fooling matter.
"Dear Nuria, it was so good to hear your voice," Oryx writes, referring to a few nights ago when I talked with her and Hare on the phone. I was actually hoping to just talk to Hare and maybe process a little bit about my maya concerning Oryx, but then Oryx was the one who answered Hare's phone. And we had a "three way" conversation that was mostly between Oryx and I, with little input from Hare.
.
"We miss you. I wish we all could/would communicate more," Oryx says. "I see parallels between your patterns about phone and my patterns about email."
.
Yeah, I've noticed it too. And times where she told me to "just get over it" I almost said, "Why don't you just get over your maya about letters?" But I didn't. I don't want another confrontation with Oryx ever again.
.
"I think we have needed to be disconnected from the world in some ways," she continues, "And I feel both of us are supposed to transcend and remove that disconnection now or soon, but I can see that patterns could be hard to break for any of us, even when a person can see it."
.
Yeah. Seriously. I used to think if I could see a problem it would go away. Not so much. It is the first step, but it's only about 20% of the battle to overcoming a pattern.
.
"I have been afraid to give you feedback of any kind because ... sometimes you trigger or are sensitive when given feedback about certain topics by people ... and you sometimes need to trigger to me specifically anyway, even when I'm not trying to give you feedback..."
.
That's one way of putting it.
.
"So I felt unsafe to give you feedback."
.
Interesting. I hadn't thought Oryx could actually care about my triggering so much that she'd hold back. It didn't stop her int he past. But then, that was before she pushed me too far several times in a week and I withdrew from her almost entirely.
.
It's like I'm somehow fitting into her story. I'll be another woman in the long list of jealous women who cut off her burgeoning relationship with someone special, except in this case, it isn't just her relationship with Paladin that I'm stifling, it has also been her relationship with me. She even said she was open to dating when we were visiting with her in January (two months ago).
.
I was excited when she said that, but I quickly turned sour when she immediately dived into all of my stuff about maya. As though everything would be dandy between her, my husband and myself if only it weren't for my issues. That was unbearable, and frankly, pushed me further away.
.
"This morning and it became much more clear to me... I love you and look forward to sharing it with you," Oryx continues. "I don't think it will necessarily cause you to trigger and don't know that it would necessarily even be a big deal, but I notice I am sensitive to your sensitivity. I see that it is because I care about you and how you feel. I also see that when you are sensitive, it is because you care about the opinion of the person, maybe because you care about them and therefore care about their opinion."
.
Yes, yes and yes. Right on the mark there.
.
"I see how it would generally be better for each of us to have awareness of all of it, yet also not let sensitivity stop us from following guidance to share the data. That seems true."
.
Like hell.
.
I've learned that you can't just share anything at any time. You've got to wait until you're calm enough to share difficult things. Sometimes you need to go share it with someone else first, someone who isn't the center of your maya. Then after working through all the garbage in yourself about it, then you can bring your garbage to the person you're having garbage about. Then, when you explain why you're a delusional mess about something or other to that person, you're calm enough to present it in a respectful way. And then when they trigger about your maya, then they need to go carefully release it with someone else, and then they can come back to respond.
.
[exasperated sigh]
.
At least, that's been my experience. When I just "let it all hang out" without any filters at the time, things can get ugly. There was when I attacked Paladin while we were trying to process my jealousy, there is when I yelled at Oryx and she fell down the stairs in her hurry when she stormed away, there is when Paladin broke a jar over his head due to my angry words... These are three very recent examples of how my sharing my feelings upfront without worrying about other people's triggers was no fooling matter.
.
I'm no fucking monk, even if my Dad does seem to think I should just transcend other people's crass behavior and be spiritual anyhow. (This is a reference to something my Dad said last night, and no, it makes no sense in context of the rest of this post unless I were to write a whole other post about the discussion my Dad and I had while I was hosting a gathering in my apartment. Thistledown came, but Dolphin conspicuously did not come, again.)
.
"I look forward to talking with you and Hare. I am trying to allow the words to come in a way that might trigger you less. I feel that at times any wording used can trigger any of us, & other times we are untriggerable, no matter what. I love you and look forward to talking to you and Hare and maybe Paladin too. Love, Oryx."
.
Gotta love how she says she looks forward to it, despite having no schedule or plan for it. That's okay, she's probably right to assume it'll happen soon, especially since I do want to know what feedback she has for me about my latest project.
.
I replied to Oryx, "I'm interested in your feedback. I'm not sure what to say about the rest, due to my own blocks. Somehow I've become hyper-sensitized to you in particular, and attempting to process it at various times has only increased that sensitivity. So I've just backed off."
.
I was considering just leaving it at that, but then I wrote another text, "I feel a lot of truth to what you wrote. Although, I don't see myself incorporating phone conversations as a major facet of my life.. For more reasons than just the hangups about it. I made a pie-chart of my life, and it made me understand much more about time than ever before. It showed me how 1% of one's time is a lot."
.
Seriously. The time I spend journaling, for example, is only 1.2% of my time, and yet it isn't something I'd want to remove from my life. It is important to me.
.
I decided to explain that a little more to Oryx, "Some of the things in my life that are very important to me are only 1% to 2% of my time. So just by adding a daily thirty minute call, I'm literally replacing something else in my life, because I do so many different things. The pie chart is a major wakeup call to who I am, why I do what I do... Uhm. But I'm realizing you should take this response with a grain of salt. It isn't nearly responding to the more important things you said, or that I feel. Just some random feedback and thoughts, really."
.
Yeah. And this post is a clear illustration of how we think one thing, and say another. We have important feelings and responses to something, but then what we say in response is often mundane by comparison. We choose the "safer" route, instead of just saying how we really feel...
.
Why?
.
Because, we learn from our mistakes. The problem is, we learn too well. We get traumatized by some one-time past occurrence and then we spend a lot of energy avoiding a "repeat performance."
.
But it was amazing how I ate so much less when the filters were down. For December my grocery bill was halved! And yet, it was hard to maintain once I started filtering again. I started eating more again. I've been trying to do enemas to compensate, by my overworked digestive system needs me to eat less more than it needs enemas.
.
It's all because of her. The ups and the downs both. And what am I to do about it? If I get closer to her again, I'll have to face the fact that she would have sex with my husband. I don't think I could stop it. Not because I couldn't talk them into not doing so, but because I couldn't help but let it happen. That's the damn problem. I get sucked into this black hole of wanting to process everything.
.
To myself: I'm very sorry. I'm not very kind. You tell me to stop eating very clearly by giving me feelings of fullness, and yet the emptiness in my heart is so strong that I just keep eating anyway. I spend a lot of time on the toilet sometimes, very uncomfortable, but instead of getting the message, I go and eat some more. I see your pleas for help, and yet I plunge on.
.
You've been making my eyes hurt a lot, and it made me stop playing video games. I understand I didn't really have time for it in my life, but it was making me feel closer to Paladin. I think. You've been sending me signals, clearly, and I receive them, but what am I to do? So my heart hurts, but what do I do about it?
.
Feel it.
.
Oh. Right. That. [Groans in frustration.]
.
I don't want to feel it, it hurts!
.
Well, then maybe you should be kinder to yourself!
.
[Cries in frustration. Wipes the tears away. Decides to do something else now.]