April children
Title: April children
Author:
alles_luege
Pairing: Pete/Patrick, Panic GSF, Gerard/Frank
Rating: PG-13 (or less)
Summary: Three stories in one, about how April children find love.
Warning(s): Well...no.
Author’s Notes: I know it's Brendon's birthday...it's not that I like him most, it's just that he happened to be born on the same day as I was. * shrugs*
Word Count: 3.618
Beta: tygermine
Disclaimer: Don’t know, don’t own, not real.
~Prologue~
When Patrick was born on the 27 of April 1984, Gerard Way was already seven years old and Brendon wasn’t even a gleam in his father’s eye. Of course Patrick didn’t know that there was a Gerard Way out there or that there would be a Brendon Urie - and that both would be somehow important to him in a few years. No, Patrick had other things on his mind in that moment, things like breathing AIR and taking in all the new light and noises. The absence of the steady beat of his mother’s heart until they laid him down on her stomach where he could hear it again. His mother’s heartbeat was the first music Patrick ever heard and he fell in love with it. It was like a drumbeat. He will come to learn that every heart drums a different beat.
~+~
When Brendon opened his mouth and cried for the first time, (and it didn’t sound like music, but it was still the most beautiful sound his mom has ever heard) Patrick was four years old and sitting on the family couch listening to his dad singing and playing the guitar. Guitar, he decided at that precise moment in time and space was a beautiful instrument (it would take him some years to remember the heartbeat and discover drums) that he wanted to learn to play too.
~+~
While Patrick discovered love, Gerard discovered that he hated everything (except painting and music and Mikey - but the last goes without saying, and okay maybe he didn’t hate candy either, but come on: CANDY). He was eleven and life sucked so much he didn’t even have words for it and he was usually really good with words. (It was the fist day of many to come that he found himself shoved against a wall in the hall.) Life sucked so much.
~1~
Maybe Patrick wouldn’t have chatted Joe up in Borders (or let Joe chat him up, same difference, really) if he knew what it would lead to. (Maybe he would, because you know life is an adventure and all that and you never know what you get, even if you think you do.)
Also a fact of life: Patrick wanted to slam the door in Pete’s stupid face as he first met him. He sometimes still wants to do that. Like now, even if it’s not a door but his window. It’s - he looks at the clock on his bedside table - three in the morning and he really wants to sleep.
“What do you want? I have school tomorrow - I have school today, Pete.” Patrick whispers, he stresses Pete’s name. Pete looks sheepish and wide awake, that fucker, Patrick thinks and hates him a little bit right then.
“I couldn’t sleep…and I have this idea…” Pete says and sounds even more sheepish than he looks, but he is still standing in Patrick’s front garden. Patrick knows he’s not going anywhere.
“I’ll be at the door in a few.” Patrick rolls his eyes and doesn’t bother with a hat or a shirt as he goes down to let Pete in. It’s warm and dark after all.
“Hi,” Pete says with a too bright smile. (Patrick’s stomach does something funny, God, he thinks, get a grip. This is Pete, not PETE. It’s the dude who steals his fries and hoodies and borrows money he forgets to give back.)
“Hi,” Patrick answers with a yawn.
“Sorry…”
“Shut up. You’re going to lie down and sleep now, you’re going to steal my blanket and mumble nonsense until you’re asleep and then wrap yourself around me, right?” Patrick whispers. Pete grins.
“If that’s what you want.”
“Shut up,” Patrick says again pulling Pete in by the shirt (he is pretty sure it’s one of his actually) and dragging him up into his bedroom. His life, he thinks with a smile.
When he wakes up a few hours later Pete is wrapped around him, his arm possessively around Patrick’s middle. Patrick feels a bit buried under all that PETE (he will feel that stronger in a few years and it will break his heart a lot and then just a bit every day and he will learn to live with it).
“Pete…you’re heavy and I need to get up.”
“Hmmm…you’re warm and soft, just stay…” Pete answers. His arm tightens around Patrick’s middle and his lips brush against Patrick’s skin where his face is smashed into Patrick’s neck. Patrick blushes and is glad Pete doesn’t see it. “And I’m a tiny dude, not heavy at all,” He adds as an afterthought.
“Heavy enough and I can’t. I have school so I have to, you know, piss, shower, put clothes on and eat something,” Patrick says, not moving thought.
“Yeah…so you stay so nicely soft and comfortable.”
“I hate you.” Patrick says, shoving Pete away -maybe harder than he intended to- and getting up.
“You love me,” Pete mumbles, he is getting comfortable again, face pressed into Patrick’s abounded pillow.
“Not true,” Patrick says as he picks his clothes up on the way to the bathroom.
“You will, I can wait.” Pete answers. Patrick keeps silent.
~+~
While Patrick is in the shower trying not to think about Pete in his bed (which proves to be a difficult task) Brendon is in his room in front of his mirror applying carefully eyeliner - Black Sabbath playing in the background. He is 13 and weird. Everyone thinks so and his parents sometimes give him these concerned looks, because not one of their other children is like that. Maybe…with time. He doesn’t know. He just knows that he wants to be someone else, or someone he already is. (And maybe if he knew, he wouldn’t have said yes when Brent asks him, but he will and he will stay even after - not because of Brent. Like Patrick, Patrick stays because of Pete, because he believes and Brendon will stay because he will believe and because he will fall in love with fingers and drums and pot scented smiles. But of course he doesn’t know that right now.) So, Brendon sits up, looks into the mirror and then gets up and leaves the house. Steps into the street on a perfectly warm evening in Vegas. Black in black.
~+~
Gerard is spending his life wrapped in black and avoiding people. (He would maybe scoff at Brendon or maybe he wouldn’t even see him, acknowledge him in any way.) Also, he is mulling his life over at the exact moment. (It will take him some more weeks to give up everything and start a band and the circumstances will not be the most pleasant, but he doesn’t know that right now.) Right now he is stealing glances at Frank - a friend of his brother (and thank god Mikey is the social one in the family!) and…Gerard never thought he would be into guys, but something about this boy, teases his senses. He is even younger than Mikey. Something about Frank makes him curious, and wanting. He sighs mentally and focuses on the movie again. It doesn’t matter that he has seen it before - like a million times, it’s still good and it distracts him from Frank.
~2~
“So, this is Brendon, the guy I told you about?” Brent says and Brendon feels stupid and awkward.
Spencer nods and waves his drum stick a bit in Brendon’s direction as if in greeting and Ryan just stares. (Brendon is pretty sure that THAT must be Ryan.) And he doesn’t even try to look as if he isn’t. Brendon has the stupid urge to be good enough, to make them want him to stay, to be part of whatever this might be. He wants to impress and he feels as if his whole life is depending on it. It’s glorious. He wants to feel like this forever. He is only seventeen when he makes this decision. Maybe it’s because he is only seventeen that he makes it. (Later he will recognise it as that what it is, but now he just wants and doesn’t really know what or why and his heart beats with Spencer’s drum rhythm.)
~+~
While Brendon makes the first of his real life changing decisions, Patrick is sitting in the back of their van with the lyrics, mostly disconnected thoughts, words and poetry on napkins, that Pete shoved at him before running off with some girl, that isn’t Jenae, trying to make sense of them. The fact that they’re actually touring with an album still blows his mind.
“Pete’s new lyrics?” Andy asks, making Patrick look up from a napkin.
“Yes,” he says.
“Hmmm…”
“Hey, Andy?”
“Yeah?”
“Do you have the faintest idea what that is supposed to mean?” Patrick asks holding a piece of paper up so Andy can read it.
“The third word?”
“Yeah.”
“Science? Looks like science to me.” Andy answers, Patrick smiles.
“You think so?”
“It would make sense?” Andy says.
“You think so?” Patrick answers with a grin.
“I don’t know man, I really don’t know,” He says shaking his head. Patrick sighs, because he doesn’t either. Half the time he is just guessing what Pete means with his words - like everybody else, he thinks.
“Well, science it is then,” Patrick says with a wave of finality, scribbling the word down into his notebook.
~+~
So, Three Cheers, and he can’t quite believe it, but yes, they are kind of famous now. Not like really famous, but famous enough. But something overshadowed that. He is still totally messed up and in denial when it comes to Frank. Also, on a mission. But for someone who wants to save the world, he realises he is very under qualified. He sighs, glances in Frank’s direction, who is talking with Ray and dropping ashes on the ground from his half forgotten cigarette. He tries, he tries to stay sober and now that they have Bob - and Bob takes no nonsense - he thinks, maybe, maybe he can do it. Maybe he can save himself. Because you always need to save yourself first, before you can try to save others.
~3~
2005 is a great and a shitty year for them - for Ryan especially. It’s great because they have Fever and no one can take this away from them and shitty because the whole ‘overdose-accident’. Ryan is restless without moving and Spencer is silent with him. It unnerves Brendon, he wants to be part of it, wants to help, but he doesn’t know how or if he’s allowed to, or whatever. He wants to be there for Ryan, he wants to be someone Ryan can talk with and he envies Spencer, but he doesn’t want to be Spencer either for Ryan. He wants…he wants them to need him. Like he needs them.
~+~
Patrick doesn’t call. He just plain doesn’t.
“He will be okay,” Joe says and Patrick turns to look at him, lays his guitar aside and snaps:
“I know.” He is so fucking mad, can’t Joe see it?
“Patrick…” Joe tries.
“What?”
“I…” Joe says, and Patrick feels shitty for snapping at him, everyone is fucked up because of Pete. God, he hates Pete right now so much there aren’t even words for it. Joe is worried too. “Here…” he says instead of whatever he wanted to say and passes the joint to Patrick and Patrick takes it, inhaling deep. He just doesn’t want to feel so damn angry and scared anymore. He hates that feeling.
He takes the call when Pete calls though.
“I’m sorry…” Pete says, his voice small and far away. And Patrick hangs up on him. He can’t deal with this shit right now, he just can’t. And he thinks Pete isn’t sorry enough yet.
~+~
“So, you and Frank?” Mikey says, and it isn’t really a question even if it sounds like one.
“No,” Gerard says not looking up from his notebook. He is sketching Frank again, like he did all these years ago, but he doesn’t put the sketches into a box anymore to hide them under his bed.
“But you like him.”
“Yeah…”
“How long?”
“Since forever, I guess.” Gerard answers, putting the notebook aside and taking out his cigarettes.
“You are so stupid.” Mikey answers and lets Gerard curl up against him, so he can stroke his brother’s hair.
“You can’t buy brains for money,” Gerard mumbles.
“Tell me all about it.” Mikey answers softly.
~4~
We aren’t prepared for this. That is what Brendon is thinking after. They just aren’t prepared for this. Ryan is a silent presence beside him and Spencer hasn’t said a fucking word in over ten minutes - it seems as if he’s done talking and Brendon doesn’t know for how long. It scares him somewhat.
“We need a replacement for Brent,” Ryan says eventually.
“Jon,” Brendon hears himself say. He is surprised, but Jon, yes.
It’s the only choice, he knows it, they all know it. Spencer nods slowly and Brendon hugs him on impulse. Because even if Spencer takes things in hand, Brendon is sure he needs to be hugged too from time to time and Brendon can do that. Brendon is really good at it.
“Let go,” Spencer says after a short while and Brendon just tightens his grip on Spencer.
“Don’t,” Ryan whispers and as his breath caresses Brendon’s skin, he holds on tighter. He knows they can do that, they can survive that, he has invested too much to let it fall apart, they all have and they will be okay. Sometime soon. Brendon is sure.
~+~
He is totally not in denial anymore. Fact of Gerard’s life is he is kinda in love with Frank. And it sucks. So much. He hates it. Not the feeling of being in love, but the… you know…not knowing if Frank likes him too and shit. He is too old for that.
“Just stop being stupid…all these years. Wasted.” Mikey says.
Gerard doesn’t look at him, because his brother is irritable at best since he’s hanging out with Pete and Alicia. Mikey rolls his eyes and Gerard sticks his tongue out. They are so four years old.
~+~
“Patrick,” Pete says dropping down rather gracelessly on the bed Patrick is lying in. He wants to sleep for fucks sake. God, he is exhausted and this is a hotel night (yay!).
“I want to sleep.” He says doing his best to ignore Pete’s attempts to sneak under the covers.
“I can’t sleep alone.”
“Yes, you can.”
“I can’t.”
“Pete…” Patrick says not looking at him.
“Hey, Patrick?”
“Yeah?” Patrick asks, he knows that tone, it means Pete is in the mood for serious discussions and he doesn’t care that it’s two in the morning.
“Do you remember that one morning when you said you hated me?”
“What? When?”
“That one morning when I wanted you to skip school so we could stay in bed…”
“That’s years ago,” Patrick says.
“You do remember.”
“Yeah…” Patrick says.
“You remember what I said?”
“No,” Patrick lies.
“Oh…okay,” Pete says and shifts as if to get up.
“You can sleep here…” Patrick says, pulling him back by his arm, letting Pete burrow into Patrick’s side. He feels shitty about lying to Pete.
“You’re still soft and warm,” Pete mumbles into his skin, Patrick can feel his breath through his worn out shirt.
“Shut up and sleep.”
“Okay…”
~5~
“Did you ever think we would make it?” Pete asks.
“Yeah,” Patrick says because it’s the truth. (All these years on the road in shitty vans and then Infinity.)
“Really?”
“Yes.”
“Patrick, really?”
“Yes, Pete. Really,” Patrick says not looking up from his notebook.
“Why?”
“Because you said we would make beautiful music together,” Patrick says without thinking. That is the truth after all too. And for Patrick it’s that simple, it was always about the music and Pete for Patrick. It didn’t change.
“You believed me,” Pete says invading Patrick’s space.
“Yeah,” Patrick breaths, inching away, he doesn’t know what is going on in Pete’s head right now, but it can’t be good.
“Don’t do anything stupid,” he warns.
“I always do stupid things and you always forgive me.”
“Maybe not this time,” Patrick says. Pete laughs, leans down and kisses Patrick’s nose. Patrick makes a face and Pete laughs louder.
“You will.”
~+~
“We are famous,” Mikey says and Gerard smiles, because, hell yes, they are famous. “And you are still stupid,” His brother adds. Gerard knows that. He is famous, he is sober and Frank kissed him after the show and he was too shocked to do anything and besides Frank sometimes does stupid shit like that, he kissed Ray too after all. Mikey looks a bit worried and Gerard thinks he should be the one worrying about Mikey…
“I’m okay,” he says instead and knows that Mikey doesn’t believe him.
“Yeah…like I am,” he says and they smile at each other.
~+~
And it’s not awkward or anything, it’s just different. Where there should have been Brent there is now Jon and he likes Jon, but Brent was his friend and…it’s a bit of a mess. But he is determined to make this work.
~6~
So, he lost it. Finally on the Project Revolution Tour. And now he can watch the evidence of his loss of self-control on youtube.
“That looks pretty hot,” Frank says from behind him. Gerard manages not to jump out of his skin. Damn Frank and his Ninja stalking skills.
“I guess…”
“Come on,” Frank’s breath caresses Gerard’s neck and that’s kinda distracting. He tries not to move.
“It is,” he admits.
“So…” Frank begins and Gerard cringes because he really doesn’t want to have this conversation.
“Frank…”
“So, why did you do it?” Frank carries on, ignoring Gerard’s discomfort. Gerard thinks about lying. He is good at it, after all, but this is Frank.
“Because I wanted to? Because I could?” he says.
“How long?”
“What?”
“How long did you want to?” Frank clarifies.
“Frank…”
“That long, hmm?”
“What?”
“Someone ever told you, you were stupid?” Frank asks.
“Yeah…constantly,” Mikey says from the doorway. Frank laughs and kisses Gerard’s neck.
~+~
It’s strange to be back in his old room again. Where everything started, where he sat with Pete and tried to make music and…well, it’s strange, he thinks as he lies down and closes his eyes. He is tired and just wants to sleep.
When he wakes up, it’s with Pete wrapped around him. Warm and solid and Pete. Patrick knows him well enough to know that Pete isn’t sleeping at all.
“What are you doing?” he asks, his voice a bit raspy from sleep.
“Waiting for you.”
“You aren’t that patient,” Patrick says, his brain isn’t as its best when he just woke up. He wants to snuggle closer to Pete and just doesn’t seem able to remember why this is a bad idea at all.
“Not true,” Pete says. “I waited years now.”
“For what?” Patrick asks and regrets it immediately.
“For you to fall in love with me,” Pete says, his lips brush Patrick’s neck when he speaks.
“Pete…”
“We can work out, Patrick. We can be good together,” Pete says and Patrick believes him.
~+~
It’s not a surprise for Brendon that he falls for Jon as well, he doesn’t notice it at first because he is too involved with and distracted by Ryan and Spencer. Maybe it starts somewhere around the bottle accident, maybe later, it doesn’t matter. The exact moment he knows is when they’re writing the new album (somewhere, nowhere) and Ryan is having a crisis Spencer can’t deal with. It happens sometimes, Spencer is just human after all. The last thing Spencer says before slamming the door is that he’s going out to hunt down an animal. (Brendon is pretty sure he isn’t actually going to kill a pet rabbit, because that would make Ryan sad and Brendon too for that matter, but buy a steak instead somewhere.) He wants to make things better, but he doesn’t know how. He just can’t deal with Ryan when he’s like that, that’s what Spencer is for, and it stresses him out. He gets irritable.
And then Jon just saves the day by saying: “You will stay here with Aladdin and I will make cake for Ryan and then we will wait for Spencer and make a great song.”
“I might love you,” Brendon says without thinking and isn’t at all surprised to find out he means it.
“You love everyone.”
“Not true,” Brendon says, because it really isn’t.
“Hmmm….” Jon answers, Brendon knows he’s smiling even if he can’t see it, because Jon’s facing away from him, setting up the DVD.
“Hey, Jon?”
“Yeah?”
“Can I have cake too?”
“Of course.”
“I might love you…seriously,” Brendon repeats and then: “Most of all, right now.”
“Good to know,” Jon says with a laugh.
By the time Spencer comes back they have eaten half the cake and watched two Disney movies. Ryan is feeling better, Brendon can tell.
“What the hell?” Spencer says.
“Jon doesn’t only make great coffee, he can bake as well!” Brendon says, getting up from the couch and jumping Spencer.
“What?”
“And he loves us,” Brendon says, ignoring Spencer.
“Does he now?” Spencer asks, one eyebrow raised, he is having a silent conversation with Ryan, Brendon knows.
“Yeah…” Jon says, and it could mean anything, but it doesn’t.
“Well, it’s a good thing then that we love him too, isn’t it?” Spencer says and Brendon beams at him and then kisses Spencer. He can hear rustling and Jon’s laugh.
“Share,” Ryan says softly behind him and Brendon does.
~end~
Author:
alles_luege
Pairing: Pete/Patrick, Panic GSF, Gerard/Frank
Rating: PG-13 (or less)
Summary: Three stories in one, about how April children find love.
Warning(s): Well...no.
Author’s Notes: I know it's Brendon's birthday...it's not that I like him most, it's just that he happened to be born on the same day as I was. * shrugs*
Word Count: 3.618
Beta: tygermine
Disclaimer: Don’t know, don’t own, not real.
~Prologue~
When Patrick was born on the 27 of April 1984, Gerard Way was already seven years old and Brendon wasn’t even a gleam in his father’s eye. Of course Patrick didn’t know that there was a Gerard Way out there or that there would be a Brendon Urie - and that both would be somehow important to him in a few years. No, Patrick had other things on his mind in that moment, things like breathing AIR and taking in all the new light and noises. The absence of the steady beat of his mother’s heart until they laid him down on her stomach where he could hear it again. His mother’s heartbeat was the first music Patrick ever heard and he fell in love with it. It was like a drumbeat. He will come to learn that every heart drums a different beat.
~+~
When Brendon opened his mouth and cried for the first time, (and it didn’t sound like music, but it was still the most beautiful sound his mom has ever heard) Patrick was four years old and sitting on the family couch listening to his dad singing and playing the guitar. Guitar, he decided at that precise moment in time and space was a beautiful instrument (it would take him some years to remember the heartbeat and discover drums) that he wanted to learn to play too.
~+~
While Patrick discovered love, Gerard discovered that he hated everything (except painting and music and Mikey - but the last goes without saying, and okay maybe he didn’t hate candy either, but come on: CANDY). He was eleven and life sucked so much he didn’t even have words for it and he was usually really good with words. (It was the fist day of many to come that he found himself shoved against a wall in the hall.) Life sucked so much.
~1~
Maybe Patrick wouldn’t have chatted Joe up in Borders (or let Joe chat him up, same difference, really) if he knew what it would lead to. (Maybe he would, because you know life is an adventure and all that and you never know what you get, even if you think you do.)
Also a fact of life: Patrick wanted to slam the door in Pete’s stupid face as he first met him. He sometimes still wants to do that. Like now, even if it’s not a door but his window. It’s - he looks at the clock on his bedside table - three in the morning and he really wants to sleep.
“What do you want? I have school tomorrow - I have school today, Pete.” Patrick whispers, he stresses Pete’s name. Pete looks sheepish and wide awake, that fucker, Patrick thinks and hates him a little bit right then.
“I couldn’t sleep…and I have this idea…” Pete says and sounds even more sheepish than he looks, but he is still standing in Patrick’s front garden. Patrick knows he’s not going anywhere.
“I’ll be at the door in a few.” Patrick rolls his eyes and doesn’t bother with a hat or a shirt as he goes down to let Pete in. It’s warm and dark after all.
“Hi,” Pete says with a too bright smile. (Patrick’s stomach does something funny, God, he thinks, get a grip. This is Pete, not PETE. It’s the dude who steals his fries and hoodies and borrows money he forgets to give back.)
“Hi,” Patrick answers with a yawn.
“Sorry…”
“Shut up. You’re going to lie down and sleep now, you’re going to steal my blanket and mumble nonsense until you’re asleep and then wrap yourself around me, right?” Patrick whispers. Pete grins.
“If that’s what you want.”
“Shut up,” Patrick says again pulling Pete in by the shirt (he is pretty sure it’s one of his actually) and dragging him up into his bedroom. His life, he thinks with a smile.
When he wakes up a few hours later Pete is wrapped around him, his arm possessively around Patrick’s middle. Patrick feels a bit buried under all that PETE (he will feel that stronger in a few years and it will break his heart a lot and then just a bit every day and he will learn to live with it).
“Pete…you’re heavy and I need to get up.”
“Hmmm…you’re warm and soft, just stay…” Pete answers. His arm tightens around Patrick’s middle and his lips brush against Patrick’s skin where his face is smashed into Patrick’s neck. Patrick blushes and is glad Pete doesn’t see it. “And I’m a tiny dude, not heavy at all,” He adds as an afterthought.
“Heavy enough and I can’t. I have school so I have to, you know, piss, shower, put clothes on and eat something,” Patrick says, not moving thought.
“Yeah…so you stay so nicely soft and comfortable.”
“I hate you.” Patrick says, shoving Pete away -maybe harder than he intended to- and getting up.
“You love me,” Pete mumbles, he is getting comfortable again, face pressed into Patrick’s abounded pillow.
“Not true,” Patrick says as he picks his clothes up on the way to the bathroom.
“You will, I can wait.” Pete answers. Patrick keeps silent.
~+~
While Patrick is in the shower trying not to think about Pete in his bed (which proves to be a difficult task) Brendon is in his room in front of his mirror applying carefully eyeliner - Black Sabbath playing in the background. He is 13 and weird. Everyone thinks so and his parents sometimes give him these concerned looks, because not one of their other children is like that. Maybe…with time. He doesn’t know. He just knows that he wants to be someone else, or someone he already is. (And maybe if he knew, he wouldn’t have said yes when Brent asks him, but he will and he will stay even after - not because of Brent. Like Patrick, Patrick stays because of Pete, because he believes and Brendon will stay because he will believe and because he will fall in love with fingers and drums and pot scented smiles. But of course he doesn’t know that right now.) So, Brendon sits up, looks into the mirror and then gets up and leaves the house. Steps into the street on a perfectly warm evening in Vegas. Black in black.
~+~
Gerard is spending his life wrapped in black and avoiding people. (He would maybe scoff at Brendon or maybe he wouldn’t even see him, acknowledge him in any way.) Also, he is mulling his life over at the exact moment. (It will take him some more weeks to give up everything and start a band and the circumstances will not be the most pleasant, but he doesn’t know that right now.) Right now he is stealing glances at Frank - a friend of his brother (and thank god Mikey is the social one in the family!) and…Gerard never thought he would be into guys, but something about this boy, teases his senses. He is even younger than Mikey. Something about Frank makes him curious, and wanting. He sighs mentally and focuses on the movie again. It doesn’t matter that he has seen it before - like a million times, it’s still good and it distracts him from Frank.
~2~
“So, this is Brendon, the guy I told you about?” Brent says and Brendon feels stupid and awkward.
Spencer nods and waves his drum stick a bit in Brendon’s direction as if in greeting and Ryan just stares. (Brendon is pretty sure that THAT must be Ryan.) And he doesn’t even try to look as if he isn’t. Brendon has the stupid urge to be good enough, to make them want him to stay, to be part of whatever this might be. He wants to impress and he feels as if his whole life is depending on it. It’s glorious. He wants to feel like this forever. He is only seventeen when he makes this decision. Maybe it’s because he is only seventeen that he makes it. (Later he will recognise it as that what it is, but now he just wants and doesn’t really know what or why and his heart beats with Spencer’s drum rhythm.)
~+~
While Brendon makes the first of his real life changing decisions, Patrick is sitting in the back of their van with the lyrics, mostly disconnected thoughts, words and poetry on napkins, that Pete shoved at him before running off with some girl, that isn’t Jenae, trying to make sense of them. The fact that they’re actually touring with an album still blows his mind.
“Pete’s new lyrics?” Andy asks, making Patrick look up from a napkin.
“Yes,” he says.
“Hmmm…”
“Hey, Andy?”
“Yeah?”
“Do you have the faintest idea what that is supposed to mean?” Patrick asks holding a piece of paper up so Andy can read it.
“The third word?”
“Yeah.”
“Science? Looks like science to me.” Andy answers, Patrick smiles.
“You think so?”
“It would make sense?” Andy says.
“You think so?” Patrick answers with a grin.
“I don’t know man, I really don’t know,” He says shaking his head. Patrick sighs, because he doesn’t either. Half the time he is just guessing what Pete means with his words - like everybody else, he thinks.
“Well, science it is then,” Patrick says with a wave of finality, scribbling the word down into his notebook.
~+~
So, Three Cheers, and he can’t quite believe it, but yes, they are kind of famous now. Not like really famous, but famous enough. But something overshadowed that. He is still totally messed up and in denial when it comes to Frank. Also, on a mission. But for someone who wants to save the world, he realises he is very under qualified. He sighs, glances in Frank’s direction, who is talking with Ray and dropping ashes on the ground from his half forgotten cigarette. He tries, he tries to stay sober and now that they have Bob - and Bob takes no nonsense - he thinks, maybe, maybe he can do it. Maybe he can save himself. Because you always need to save yourself first, before you can try to save others.
~3~
2005 is a great and a shitty year for them - for Ryan especially. It’s great because they have Fever and no one can take this away from them and shitty because the whole ‘overdose-accident’. Ryan is restless without moving and Spencer is silent with him. It unnerves Brendon, he wants to be part of it, wants to help, but he doesn’t know how or if he’s allowed to, or whatever. He wants to be there for Ryan, he wants to be someone Ryan can talk with and he envies Spencer, but he doesn’t want to be Spencer either for Ryan. He wants…he wants them to need him. Like he needs them.
~+~
Patrick doesn’t call. He just plain doesn’t.
“He will be okay,” Joe says and Patrick turns to look at him, lays his guitar aside and snaps:
“I know.” He is so fucking mad, can’t Joe see it?
“Patrick…” Joe tries.
“What?”
“I…” Joe says, and Patrick feels shitty for snapping at him, everyone is fucked up because of Pete. God, he hates Pete right now so much there aren’t even words for it. Joe is worried too. “Here…” he says instead of whatever he wanted to say and passes the joint to Patrick and Patrick takes it, inhaling deep. He just doesn’t want to feel so damn angry and scared anymore. He hates that feeling.
He takes the call when Pete calls though.
“I’m sorry…” Pete says, his voice small and far away. And Patrick hangs up on him. He can’t deal with this shit right now, he just can’t. And he thinks Pete isn’t sorry enough yet.
~+~
“So, you and Frank?” Mikey says, and it isn’t really a question even if it sounds like one.
“No,” Gerard says not looking up from his notebook. He is sketching Frank again, like he did all these years ago, but he doesn’t put the sketches into a box anymore to hide them under his bed.
“But you like him.”
“Yeah…”
“How long?”
“Since forever, I guess.” Gerard answers, putting the notebook aside and taking out his cigarettes.
“You are so stupid.” Mikey answers and lets Gerard curl up against him, so he can stroke his brother’s hair.
“You can’t buy brains for money,” Gerard mumbles.
“Tell me all about it.” Mikey answers softly.
~4~
We aren’t prepared for this. That is what Brendon is thinking after. They just aren’t prepared for this. Ryan is a silent presence beside him and Spencer hasn’t said a fucking word in over ten minutes - it seems as if he’s done talking and Brendon doesn’t know for how long. It scares him somewhat.
“We need a replacement for Brent,” Ryan says eventually.
“Jon,” Brendon hears himself say. He is surprised, but Jon, yes.
It’s the only choice, he knows it, they all know it. Spencer nods slowly and Brendon hugs him on impulse. Because even if Spencer takes things in hand, Brendon is sure he needs to be hugged too from time to time and Brendon can do that. Brendon is really good at it.
“Let go,” Spencer says after a short while and Brendon just tightens his grip on Spencer.
“Don’t,” Ryan whispers and as his breath caresses Brendon’s skin, he holds on tighter. He knows they can do that, they can survive that, he has invested too much to let it fall apart, they all have and they will be okay. Sometime soon. Brendon is sure.
~+~
He is totally not in denial anymore. Fact of Gerard’s life is he is kinda in love with Frank. And it sucks. So much. He hates it. Not the feeling of being in love, but the… you know…not knowing if Frank likes him too and shit. He is too old for that.
“Just stop being stupid…all these years. Wasted.” Mikey says.
Gerard doesn’t look at him, because his brother is irritable at best since he’s hanging out with Pete and Alicia. Mikey rolls his eyes and Gerard sticks his tongue out. They are so four years old.
~+~
“Patrick,” Pete says dropping down rather gracelessly on the bed Patrick is lying in. He wants to sleep for fucks sake. God, he is exhausted and this is a hotel night (yay!).
“I want to sleep.” He says doing his best to ignore Pete’s attempts to sneak under the covers.
“I can’t sleep alone.”
“Yes, you can.”
“I can’t.”
“Pete…” Patrick says not looking at him.
“Hey, Patrick?”
“Yeah?” Patrick asks, he knows that tone, it means Pete is in the mood for serious discussions and he doesn’t care that it’s two in the morning.
“Do you remember that one morning when you said you hated me?”
“What? When?”
“That one morning when I wanted you to skip school so we could stay in bed…”
“That’s years ago,” Patrick says.
“You do remember.”
“Yeah…” Patrick says.
“You remember what I said?”
“No,” Patrick lies.
“Oh…okay,” Pete says and shifts as if to get up.
“You can sleep here…” Patrick says, pulling him back by his arm, letting Pete burrow into Patrick’s side. He feels shitty about lying to Pete.
“You’re still soft and warm,” Pete mumbles into his skin, Patrick can feel his breath through his worn out shirt.
“Shut up and sleep.”
“Okay…”
~5~
“Did you ever think we would make it?” Pete asks.
“Yeah,” Patrick says because it’s the truth. (All these years on the road in shitty vans and then Infinity.)
“Really?”
“Yes.”
“Patrick, really?”
“Yes, Pete. Really,” Patrick says not looking up from his notebook.
“Why?”
“Because you said we would make beautiful music together,” Patrick says without thinking. That is the truth after all too. And for Patrick it’s that simple, it was always about the music and Pete for Patrick. It didn’t change.
“You believed me,” Pete says invading Patrick’s space.
“Yeah,” Patrick breaths, inching away, he doesn’t know what is going on in Pete’s head right now, but it can’t be good.
“Don’t do anything stupid,” he warns.
“I always do stupid things and you always forgive me.”
“Maybe not this time,” Patrick says. Pete laughs, leans down and kisses Patrick’s nose. Patrick makes a face and Pete laughs louder.
“You will.”
~+~
“We are famous,” Mikey says and Gerard smiles, because, hell yes, they are famous. “And you are still stupid,” His brother adds. Gerard knows that. He is famous, he is sober and Frank kissed him after the show and he was too shocked to do anything and besides Frank sometimes does stupid shit like that, he kissed Ray too after all. Mikey looks a bit worried and Gerard thinks he should be the one worrying about Mikey…
“I’m okay,” he says instead and knows that Mikey doesn’t believe him.
“Yeah…like I am,” he says and they smile at each other.
~+~
And it’s not awkward or anything, it’s just different. Where there should have been Brent there is now Jon and he likes Jon, but Brent was his friend and…it’s a bit of a mess. But he is determined to make this work.
~6~
So, he lost it. Finally on the Project Revolution Tour. And now he can watch the evidence of his loss of self-control on youtube.
“That looks pretty hot,” Frank says from behind him. Gerard manages not to jump out of his skin. Damn Frank and his Ninja stalking skills.
“I guess…”
“Come on,” Frank’s breath caresses Gerard’s neck and that’s kinda distracting. He tries not to move.
“It is,” he admits.
“So…” Frank begins and Gerard cringes because he really doesn’t want to have this conversation.
“Frank…”
“So, why did you do it?” Frank carries on, ignoring Gerard’s discomfort. Gerard thinks about lying. He is good at it, after all, but this is Frank.
“Because I wanted to? Because I could?” he says.
“How long?”
“What?”
“How long did you want to?” Frank clarifies.
“Frank…”
“That long, hmm?”
“What?”
“Someone ever told you, you were stupid?” Frank asks.
“Yeah…constantly,” Mikey says from the doorway. Frank laughs and kisses Gerard’s neck.
~+~
It’s strange to be back in his old room again. Where everything started, where he sat with Pete and tried to make music and…well, it’s strange, he thinks as he lies down and closes his eyes. He is tired and just wants to sleep.
When he wakes up, it’s with Pete wrapped around him. Warm and solid and Pete. Patrick knows him well enough to know that Pete isn’t sleeping at all.
“What are you doing?” he asks, his voice a bit raspy from sleep.
“Waiting for you.”
“You aren’t that patient,” Patrick says, his brain isn’t as its best when he just woke up. He wants to snuggle closer to Pete and just doesn’t seem able to remember why this is a bad idea at all.
“Not true,” Pete says. “I waited years now.”
“For what?” Patrick asks and regrets it immediately.
“For you to fall in love with me,” Pete says, his lips brush Patrick’s neck when he speaks.
“Pete…”
“We can work out, Patrick. We can be good together,” Pete says and Patrick believes him.
~+~
It’s not a surprise for Brendon that he falls for Jon as well, he doesn’t notice it at first because he is too involved with and distracted by Ryan and Spencer. Maybe it starts somewhere around the bottle accident, maybe later, it doesn’t matter. The exact moment he knows is when they’re writing the new album (somewhere, nowhere) and Ryan is having a crisis Spencer can’t deal with. It happens sometimes, Spencer is just human after all. The last thing Spencer says before slamming the door is that he’s going out to hunt down an animal. (Brendon is pretty sure he isn’t actually going to kill a pet rabbit, because that would make Ryan sad and Brendon too for that matter, but buy a steak instead somewhere.) He wants to make things better, but he doesn’t know how. He just can’t deal with Ryan when he’s like that, that’s what Spencer is for, and it stresses him out. He gets irritable.
And then Jon just saves the day by saying: “You will stay here with Aladdin and I will make cake for Ryan and then we will wait for Spencer and make a great song.”
“I might love you,” Brendon says without thinking and isn’t at all surprised to find out he means it.
“You love everyone.”
“Not true,” Brendon says, because it really isn’t.
“Hmmm….” Jon answers, Brendon knows he’s smiling even if he can’t see it, because Jon’s facing away from him, setting up the DVD.
“Hey, Jon?”
“Yeah?”
“Can I have cake too?”
“Of course.”
“I might love you…seriously,” Brendon repeats and then: “Most of all, right now.”
“Good to know,” Jon says with a laugh.
By the time Spencer comes back they have eaten half the cake and watched two Disney movies. Ryan is feeling better, Brendon can tell.
“What the hell?” Spencer says.
“Jon doesn’t only make great coffee, he can bake as well!” Brendon says, getting up from the couch and jumping Spencer.
“What?”
“And he loves us,” Brendon says, ignoring Spencer.
“Does he now?” Spencer asks, one eyebrow raised, he is having a silent conversation with Ryan, Brendon knows.
“Yeah…” Jon says, and it could mean anything, but it doesn’t.
“Well, it’s a good thing then that we love him too, isn’t it?” Spencer says and Brendon beams at him and then kisses Spencer. He can hear rustling and Jon’s laugh.
“Share,” Ryan says softly behind him and Brendon does.
~end~