Hanging by a moment

[alles_luege]

Title: Hanging by a moment
Author:
alles_luege
Pairing: Brendon/Gerard , Brendon/Ryan, Brendon/Gerard/Ryan
Rating: R
Summary: Gerard and Brendon are hanging out in a hotel room and no sex happens.
Warning(s): sex (yes, this warning is correct)
Author Notes: Companion piece to Blood (can be read on its own -as always), title by Lifehouse
Word Count: 2.220
Beta: tygermine
Disclaimer: Don’t know, don’t own, not real

~+~
Brendon’s smile widens as Gerard enters the room.

“Hi!”

Gerard shuffles forward, shoulders hunched. “Hey Brendon…is…is Ryan here?”

“With William. He called and…”

“Oh. Okay,” Gerard says, standing in the middle of the room and Brendon just knows that he has no idea what he should do with himself.

“Wanna watch?” Brendon asks, Gerard’s eyes snap from a painting he was looking at to Brendon.

“What?”

“Wanna watch? They are at Jon’s, so…?”

“Did you ever watch?” Gerard asks, patting his jacket for his smokes. Brendon shakes his head, because no he didn’t. He doesn’t think he would be safe with them.

“Can I smoke in here?” Gerard asks, playing with his lighter already.

“Sure…why the hell not? We’re fucking rock stars, aren’t we?” Brendon replies.
Gerard smiles, this cute, truly amused smile that Brendon fucking likes. A lot.

“Yes we are,” Gerard answers and Brendon blushes. Fuck, he thinks. He didn’t even think about the double meaning there. Gerard lights his cigarette and inhales deeply, Brendon waits, but Gerard lets the smoke out of his lungs after just a few seconds. Maybe he is learning to take care of himself again. Maybe he is better with Frank around. Gerard sits down on a chair and looks out the window. “So, what are you doing here then? Alone?” Gerard wants to know.

“Someone needed to be here for you. And I guess you would rather have me than Spencer…or Jon,” Brendon replies. He knows that Spencer and Gerard just don’t fit and that Jon…well, Gerard likes Jon, but still.

“So you just stayed here in the hotel to meet with me.” Gerard says, it’s not a question, even if it should be one. Brendon nods.

“I…do you need him right now?” Brendon asks after a short silence. He is curious, after all.

“No. I want him,” Gerard answers and Brendon nods. It seems that lately Gerard doesn’t really need Ryan like he did before.

“Frank’s keeping you busy, hmmm?”

“Fuck, yeah, he does. I guess it’s a good thing that he has Mikey as well…” Gerard answers, taking another drag. How weird Brendon thinks, how weird that Gerard can just speak about it, he couldn’t a few months ago. He was all twisted love and guilt and now.

“You’re better,” Brendon says, taking out his M&M’s. Gerard stands up, opens the window and throws the butt out onto the street below.

“Yeah, I think I am,” he says as he turns around to face Brendon. Brendon wonders if that means that he will not come over anymore, that they will not see each other as often. Ryan said he didn’t want to share anymore. That he wanted them to be like they are now. Brendon, Spencer, Jon…because that’s how it was from the start. And well, William, because no one ever can do for Ryan what William is doing. Like no one can do for William what Ryan is doing. He really doesn’t want to think about it too deeply, because he likes Gerard, he likes that he can have him too, that it is okay.
“Why did you never watch?” Gerard asks out of the blue, Brendon looks up from his lap and at Gerard.

“I don’t feel safe with them, not when they are…alone. With each other.”

“Yeah, I wouldn’t either. Bet they look hot though,” Gerard answers. Brendon smiles.

“They do.”

“I thought…”

“I didn’t, but sometimes they kiss or cuddle on the couch and they do look beautiful together…sometimes I don’t know why Ryan keeps me when he can have William,” Brendon admits.

“Because he loves you.”

“He loves William too.”

“But not like he loves you, it’s so…”

“Complicated?” Brendon supplies.

“Maybe,” Gerard admits. “Travis also knows,” he adds suddenly.

“I know. Ryan told me…William told him. How do you know?”

“He asked questions, I figured William would break sooner or later. Or you know, Gabe. William has a soft spot for that bastard.”

“Yeah, he does. And you know Gabe is not that bad,” Brendon says. Gerard lights another cigarette nodding. He knows that of course. “Hey, Gerard?”

“Hmmm?”

“Now that you’re better…now that you have Frank and things are going smoothly, why are you here?” Brendon asks. It’s not really the question he wants to ask, but it’s something that goes in the right direction.

“I told you, I want to be with him. I want to be with you too for that matter.”

“But Frank doesn’t like it,” Brendon says.

“I know, but he also knows that I can’t give Ryan up. I can’t.”

“You could quit sleeping with me,” Brendon says, but he doesn’t mean it. Well, he would, but he wouldn’t like it.

“Don’t be stupid!” Gerard says a bit too sharply, and then softer: “I like being with you. You keep me sane. You…were there the first time too, okay?” He sits down next to Brendon and Brendon leans into him, inhaling Gerard’s scent; like smoke and paint and coffee.

“Sane,” Brendon laughs self deprecatingly. “That’s usually the last effect I have on people.”

“Don’t be ridiculous,” Gerard says, exhaling smoke and petting Brendon’s hair with his free hand. Brendon shrugs, snuggling deeper into Gerard. “I want to be with you, but you know Spencer doesn’t like me, he tolerates me, because it makes Ryan happy,” Gerard says, he throws the butt of his cigarette into a forgotten teacup and kisses Brendon’s temple. “I’m also here because of you.”

“Okay,” Brendon answers softly.

~+~
“So,” Gerard says, sketching something on a post-it, not looking up to see what Brendon is doing, which is nothing in particular. Brendon wonders why he didn’t just book a flight back.

“Hmm?”

“Where are Spencer and Jon?” Gerard asks.

Brendon shrugs. “Maybe they’re smoking up somewhere or you know, buying shoes or something.” He is sitting cross legged on the couch, the M&M’s between his legs, staring at the wall.

“You don’t have to spend time with me, I could just book a flight back…because it will take some time with William?” The last part is a question.

“I guess, something is wrong with him, but it’s not something I can help with or Gabe, or… you know, anyone who is not a vampire. It’s clearly a vampire thing,” Brendon says, picking a blue M&M and putting it aside, he doesn’t like those. He takes a yellow one instead.

“Hmmm…” Gerard still doesn’t look up from his sketching.

“And you know, I like spending time with you. Even when we don’t have sex,” Brendon adds.

“You want to?” Gerard asks.
Brendon isn’t sure, he likes days like these, he didn’t think they would land up in bed. It’s not that he doesn’t like it, it’s just that he never did it without Ryan there. Not with Gerard that is, and well, with anyone else as well.

“Don’t know.”

“You don’t have sex with just one person, do you?”

“I have. With Ryan,” Brendon answers, because that’s the truth.

“Oh,” Gerard does look up.

“I never wanted anyone else…before,” Brendon says. And that’s the truth as well.

“Okay.”
He isn’t sure he does want anyone else now. Ryan was the first ever. Maybe it’s because of that. Ryan was his first since that day he made Ryan so goddamned mad and told him he could have everything (and he didn’t know back then that he was falling so hard for his stupid vampire guitarist), that he could have Brendon.
Brendon remembers every single second of that day. In colour and smell and taste: Ryan’s mouth, his soft lips and hard teeth on his skin, his right hand on his neck, keeping him there, his chilly body pressing him into the wall, the wall cold in his back but solid like Ryan, his left hand on Brendon’s hip, digging into the soft flesh and he remembers the high he was riding, as Ryan touched his cock the first time... The moans coming from Ryan and himself and he knew that he should touch Ryan too, but he couldn’t move. His brain was stuck on the sensations Ryan caused in him.

“He was my first,” Brendon says into the silence, he knows his face is red, he can’t not think about that day and not think about the following. As they took things further.

“You don’t have to tell me,” Gerard answers, he’s putting the post it aside and Brendon glances at it, it’s a sketch of him, eating M&M’s. He smiles at Gerard.

“It’s okay, I want to tell you,” he answers, putting another M&M aside.

“I like the blue ones,” Gerard says and Brendon pushes them over to him.

“I wasn’t really sure what I wanted, I just knew what he wanted and that I wanted to give it to him, he was so miserable and full of guilt. And I didn’t think, I don’t think, it’s good to feel like that…”

“That’s why you did the same for me…” Gerard says, Brendon nods absentminded.

“And as I figured out that he wanted me, like really wanted me not just to feed, and restrained himself because of some…I don’t know Ryan is complicated, so sometimes the things in his brain don’t make sense to me. It was simple for me. He wanted me and as I realised that, I knew I wanted him too. It didn’t matter that he was sleeping with Spencer, or that Brent didn’t approve of anything maybe because he was stoned all the time, but he was right about Ryan needing to try and explore what he could do…he was right…and…” Brendon stops, because he isn’t sure he should tell Gerard about Brent, about how Brendon suspects that Brent loved Ryan too. “But it didn’t matter, because he didn’t make us love him. I’m sure of it.”

“I know,” Gerard interrupts and Brendon believes him.

“The first time we had sex, and I didn’t have much experience back then, we were alone and he fed from Spencer and Brent so he wouldn’t have to feed off me. I was…prepared for him to hurt me,” Brendon admits and Gerard looks up. Brendon smiles.

“He didn’t…”

“No, he didn’t. It was, normal, I guess.”

“You regret that?” Gerard asks.

Brendon shakes his head. He doesn’t. “No, it was good, I knew then that he cared about me.”

“But you do like it when he hurts you.” It’s not a question.

“Yeah, but it’s not about the pain.” Brendon answers. “Not like it’s for you,” he adds. Gerard nods, if anyone, Gerard would understand that.

~+~
Ryan comes back to the hotel sometime after five o’clock in the morning. Brendon stirs in his sleep as he feels Ryan’s chilly body lying down next to him. Ryan smells like Jon’s soap.

“You’re back…” he says, Gerard turns around and mumbles something sleepily. Brendon smiles.

“Yeah, had a good time with Gerard?” Ryan asks, Brendon nods into his pillow. “You tired?”

“What time is it?”

“After five…”

“I am,” Brendon admits. He would love to get up and talk to Ryan if Ryan needs him, but he really is tired.

“Just sleep then.”

“You’re staying?”

“Till breakfast,” Ryan promises.

“Okay.”

When he wakes up a few hours later he isn’t sure for the first few seconds he didn’t dream that whole thing up, but then he hears Ryan swear softly in the other room and knows he didn’t. He can smell coffee and realises that Gerard is up too. So he gets out of bed to join them.

“You’re up?” Gerard asks, Brendon can see the bruise on his collar bone and smiles.

“Yeah, you woke me.”

“Sorry,” Ryan says, he’s eating a cinnamon roll, trying not to look too worried.

“Did you eat?” Brendon asks.

“I had a cigarette with my coffee,” Gerard answers.

“Frank will have my ass if he finds out we are not feeding you properly,” Brendon answers around a yawn.

“Who would tell him that?”

Brendon shrugs. “Eat something.”

“Okay,” he answers, taking a roll and putting it onto a plate in front of him.

“Is William alright?” He wants to know, looking over at Ryan, who shakes his head. “Do you want to talk about it?” Again Ryan shakes his head. “And…will you stay today?”

“No, he really needs me. I just wanted to check on you guys,” Ryan answers. Brendon nods.

“That’s kinda sweet,” Gerard says, but Brendon is not sure he is talking about Ryan or the roll he is eating. Ryan smiles at him, Brendon knows he isn’t sure either, but that it doesn’t matter at all to him.

“God, you’re so random,” Ryan says, rolling his eyes.

“That’s part of my charm, it makes me irresistible,” Gerard answers.

“That must be it,” Ryan says, Brendon notices that the worried expression eases from his face. Whatever is wrong with William, it affects Ryan a fucking lot too, so when he’s here with them, they need to make him feel better and Gerard already tries. Brendon really kinda loves Gerard.

“Give me coffee,” Brendon says, as he is sitting down on the couch next to Gerard, leaning into him, he isn’t really awake yet, well his body totally isn’t.

“Here,” Gerard is passing his mug over and Brendon sighs into it.

“I love you.”

“I know,” Gerard answers.

~end~