Comfort in the sound
Title: Comfort in the sound
Author:
alles_luege
Pairing: Pete/Jeanae, Patrick/William, (Some Patrick/Pete-vibes…)
Rating: R
Summary: So, Patrick fucks William, William kinda loves Pete and Pete is so far gone for Jeanae it isn’t even funny. But in reality this whole story is just about Pete.
Warning(s): Sex, angst, maybe some twisted imaginary
Author’s Notes: This is the sixth of seven fic(let)s with the Seven Sins theme. They are not connected, stand alone and with various pairings. If you’re not sure which sin inspired the story, just click ‘end’, if you want to know. *smiles*
Word Count: 1.687
Beta: tygermine
Disclaimer: Don’t know, don’t own, not real
The up and down in Pete’s and J’s (he will not even think her name) relationship is like the tide and ebb. Patrick hates every minute of it. He’s absolutely sure she’s evil. Like, really evil. If he believed in God and the Devil, she must have been sent from hell just to torment and mess with Pete. And therefore with the band and Patrick. Because it’s Patrick who gets the nightly calls, the heartbreak, Pete’s face at five in the morning after God knows how many nights without sleep.
He really wishes he wouldn’t care, but he does. Damn Pete. And damn that stupid excuse for a girl too.
“She’s evil,” Patrick says tiredly.
“She’s not!”
“She makes you crazy.”
Pete sighs at the other end of the line. He can’t deny that, he can try, but Patrick will end the call as soon as he does, Pete knows that. Patrick is tempted to end the call anyway because it’s ass o’clock in the morning.
“She does,” he admits.
Patrick feels tired and not just because it’s four o’clock in the morning. He has had enough of this shit, really. He has.
~+~
Stolen kisses after their shows, that’s all. And it really begins like that: Stolen kisses, because William is just like that. It’s still comfort, keeps Patrick sane. It’s not perfect, and as long as William doesn’t know…or Pete for that matter, even if Patrick has no idea what business of Pete’s this could possibly be. (Maybe, because he fears for Pete.) Patrick wants to keep that. That feeling of being with someone. With someone who cares. He knows that William cares, even if he doesn’t feel the same as Patrick.
~+~
The thing is, it doesn’t get better, if anything it gets worse. Pete and J get worse. So Patrick gets worse too. And the breaking point…Patrick thinks Pete is past the breaking point. He’s standing on the edge, staring into the abyss, Patrick isn’t sure if the abyss is staring back yet. Maybe it is, maybe it will soon.
Sometimes Patrick thinks that Pete is sure love (true love) has to hurt. Patrick would argue with that, but his own love hurts too. So unbelievably much. That’s why he can’t argue with Pete’s point of view. He needs to end things first, but he knows he won’t. He needs that. Maybe to ground him, so he can deal with Pete, with the ebb and tide, with the crashing waves - so he doesn’t drown. With love and all the craziness that comes with that.
He doesn’t tell William how it hurts. It wouldn’t do anyone any good. Sometimes he thinks, William is the only one who is happy with this situation, because he doesn’t seem to want to change it.
“I’m not.” William says, taking a sip of his drink. He’s too young to drink, but fuck it, he’s a rockstar.
“You’re not…”
“I’m not, I said it before Patrick and I will say it again. This is fucked up.” He nods for emphasis. Patrick watches him, still feeling William’s lips on his skin, the ghost of lost touches.
Patrick sighs his agreement; William looks at him enquiringly. Patrick waves his hand, drowns his drink and William nods and lets it go.
~+~
Patrick loves William. That’s the simple truth. And William, William is like a butterfly; Patrick doesn’t think he could settle even if he wanted to. And he doesn’t.
“What’s with you and that kid?” Pete asks one night.
“Which kid?”
“The pretty one.”
“Could you be more vague?” Patrick answers. Of course he knows Pete means William. Pete always seems to catch the pretty kids in the crowd and he saw William disappear with Patrick. But he wants to keep William to himself. He is selfish that way.
“The kid. Patrick. Are you two…” he waves his hand, as if illustrating his point.
“Together?” Patrick supplies.
“Yeah.”
“No.”
“Okay.” Pete stifles the feeling that his best friend just lied to him.
“Okay.”
~+~
Pete is self-destructive. And more so with her. Patrick is just angry. So goddamned angry all the time.
“Just put an end to this!”
“I did. We’re over.” Pete answers. Patrick just looks at him, because he heard that tale a million times already. It gets old.
“You’re never over. Never,” he sighs.
“Patrick…”
“No, just no.” Patrick answers, sitting down on the floor, he has enough. He had enough years ago.
“Patrick…”
“Just leave me alone.”
“Patrick…”
“God, I hate you so much,” Patrick says tired.
“Patrick,” it’s just a whisper.
“I hate her more…come here.” Patrick says and Pete crawls over to put his head in Patrick’s lap and let him stroke his hair.
~+~
“They will never be over.” Patrick says.
“You smell like him…” William answers, “And no, they will not. Because Pete is crazy and obsessed and…you know he loves you, don’t you?” William asks; it’s the first time he does that.
“I know.”
“Okay,” William replies nuzzling Patrick’s neck. This whole situation is so fucked up.
“I hate him,” he says. William makes a ‘hmm’ noise, but doesn’t say anything. Maybe, because he knows that Patrick doesn’t hate Pete at all. He just can’t.
“You’re thinking too much…” William says after a while.
“I am?”
“Yeah…let me help you with that.” William says smiling. He licks Patrick’s neck, down to his collar bone, his finger slip under Patrick’s shirt. They feel cold against his skin. William’s tongue is hot and wet and Patrick arches into the touch, he feels William smile against his skin. William is a smug bastard.
~+~
Patrick is loosing his mind. That’s it.
“Just let me…” Pete says. Patrick shakes his head.
“You need to make up your fucking mind!”
“I did.”
“But she’s back. That bitch is back and I just can’t deal this shit anymore when it goes down again. . I just can’t.”
“If.” Pete says.
“When, Pete. When. Because things always go to hell with her. Always.”
“Fuck you! I love her, you know I do!”
“You love so many people.”
“I’m in love her!”
“Whatever.” Patrick answers dismissive. Anger isn’t even an option anymore, he thinks he is beyond that point.
“Where are you going? We aren’t finished!”
“I think we are.” Patrick answers and closes the door.
~+~
“You were fighting again.”
“We always fight over her.”
“She’s evil.” William agrees, his hand is sliding into Patrick’s boxers. Patrick thinks there should be more than just casual sex, but there is not and never will be. Not on William’s part. William’s long fingers curl around Patrick and he moans.
“God…”
“Feels good?” William whispers hotly. His lips brushing Patrick’s skin with every move.
“Yes,” it’s nearly a hiss.
“You love him too, don’t you?”
“Yes, but…god,” Patrick tries, but William does something wicked with his thumb on Patrick’s dick, “not like you.”
William goes still, his fingers just a light touch on Patrick’s skin.
“Patrick…”
“Just move!” Patrick nearly shouts in desperation and William complies.
~+~
“I think I hate myself more than her,” Pete says. He’s lying on the couch, curled into a ball. Another chapter in the endless drama that is Pete’s relationship with J.
“I know I hate you both the same.” Patrick answers.
“You do?” Pete feels his heart breaking just a little. Could he sacrifice being in love for Patrick’s love?
“Yes.” Patrick is sulking. A little immature, but he couldn’t care less. Sulking takes up less energy than being angry.
“I hate myself for loving her.”
“Your self destructive streak is truly astounding.”
“Do you ever felt like that?”
”No.” It’s the truth. Patrick doesn’t hate himself or the feelings he has, he can’t help it. He knows that in a roundabout way, he’s hurting Pete by fucking William and hurting William by using him like a blow up doll. But he doesn’t hate himself for it.
“Are you in love Patrick?” Pete asks suddenly, turning his head to look at Patrick. It’s a strange question, one Pete hasn’t asked for years. Patrick supposes he was too absorbed in his own little drama to do it.
“Yeah…”
“And are you happy?”
“No,” Patrick answers.
“Why? Aren’t you together with that person?”
“I am.” Patrick answers, it’s Pete after all.
“I see…” Pete says.
“It’s not like with you and her…”
“I don’t know. We’re both in love. We’re both unhappy. What’s the difference?”
“I don’t hate myself.” And there it is, the low blow.
“Come here…” Pete says overlooking Patrick’s verbal bullet and gets him to curl up on the couch next to Pete, so they can be miserable together.
Even if misery is a fortress.
~+~
Patrick doesn’t see it coming. He just doesn’t and he thinks he should. After all he knew the abyss was there, he just wasn’t sure if it winked yet. Apparently, it did.
The first feeling is anger, pure anger, and then worry, he’s worried sick. And hates every minute of it. He has shows to play, he just can’t cancel them. Shows on the other end of the world.
“I hate you so much right now…” he whispers into the phone.
“I know.” Pete says. “I’m sorry.”
“You’re not! You selfish bastard!”
“Patrick…” Pete sounds so far away, his voice thin and strained.
“How can you stand yourself?”
“I can’t…obviously.” Pete answers, his voice sounds tired over the phone.
“God, Pete…”
”I’m sorry, I’m so sorry, Patrick.”
“I know.”
“I love you.”
“I know.” And that’s it. Because he can’t say it back, not like this. But it’s enough to be able to hear Pete’s voice and Patrick knows Pete feels the same.
~+~
“You should visit him,” Pete says.
Patrick shrugs.
“William…” Pete begins.
“It’s okay, he doesn’t love me…it’s okay, I’m okay.” Patrick tries to convince Pete.
“You’re not.”
“You can write a song about it, okay?”
Pete leans towards where he left his notebook lying on the table.
“I think I’ll call it - Love me all you want, I’m so over it.” Pete smiles.
Patrick sighs. It is going to be a long night.
~end~