5 Jobs Hyukjae is Glad Donghae Doesn't Have
Title: 5 Jobs Hyukjae is Glad Donghae Doesn't Have
Pairing: HaeHyuk
Rating: PG
Genre: humor
Disclaimer: I wish
Warning: language
Summary: Some jobs just can't handle Lee Donghae.
A/N: Part of the same verse as Toilet Paper Woes.
1. Fisherman
“What a beautiful morning. Aren’t you glad to be experiencing this, Hyukjae?”
Ignoring Donghae’s sunny beam, Hyukjae burrowed himself deeper into his blanket mound. “I experience too little sleep, fog, water, and smelly fish every morning,” he replied snappishly. “If you can even call this godforsaken hour morning.”
“Part of the occupational hazards, babe,” said Donghae, checking to see if his line was still intact. “Besides, we can’t keep the fish waiting, now can we?”
“I’d rather have them wait instead of us,” grumbled Hyukjae. It had been at least one hour, and there had yet to be any sign of fish.
“You know what they say, early bird gets the worm. In this case, it’d be fish. Get it? The early fish gets the worm! Literally and figuratively!” Donghae tittered at his own little joke as Hyukjae mentally facepalmed.
“Sometimes I don’t even know why I still put up with you,” Hyukjae complained, feeling the urge to massage his temples. “Why do you feel the need to drag me out here every single morning? Can’t you just let me sleep for once?”
Immediately, he regretted his words as Donghae’s face fell. “Do you not love me anymore?” the younger asked, eyes getting wider by the second.
Hyukjae shook his head vigorously. “No! It’s just…why?” he finished lamely, for lack of better words.
But Donghae understood. Taking Hyukjae’s hands (a miracle as they were buried under layers of blankets), Donghae squeezed them gently in his own. “Do you want to know why? Look.” Hyukjae peeked out of his blanket cocoon and stifled a soft gasp.
The sun was finally rising. The great ball set the sky on fire, painting it with brilliant shades of orange, yellow, red, and pink. The beams that struck the surface of the lake illuminated it until the water sparkled like precious jewels. Hyukjae tore his eyes from the scenery to the most beautiful sight of them all.
Donghae smiled shyly at him. “I wanted to share this with you, but you would always fall asleep before the sun could rise. I want to start everyday with you like this, so I can remind myself how lucky I am.”
Hyukjae stared at Donghae, touched. He cleared his throat to mask his emotions. “But still, fishing is the most boring thing ever. We’ve been sitting here for hours and nothing has happened yet.”
“Oh really? I also take you along because I like doing this.” That and a growing smile were the only warnings Hyukjae got before a pair of hands shoved him out of the boat and into the icy cold lake water.
“LEE DONGHAE, YOU’RE LUCKY YOU’RE STILL ALIVE!”
“Hey, I’m a lucky man.”
2. Grocer
Hyukjae scanned the last item, a fresh fish that was still flopping feebly, and rang up the total. “That would be $56.75, please,” he informed the little old lady, pushing the fish down the counter to be bagged. Donghae caught the fish and stuffed it into a plastic bag, tying a neat knot. The old lady beamed at him.
“You know, in my day, bag boys were not this good looking,” she whispered conspiratorially to Hyukjae. “I had to go all the way to the pharmacy to find a man that fine.” She handed Hyukjae her credit card.
“Yes, my boyfriend is really good looking.” Hyukjae took her card, sliding it expertly in the cash register. “Have a nice day,” he said, handing it back with a tight smile.
The old lady readjusted herself on her electronic wheelchair, hands trembling as she took her card back. She motioned to Donghae. “Be a dear and help me take my groceries to my car, will you?”
Donghae saluted her and gathered up all her grocery bags. “I’ll be back,” Donghae cheerfully told Hyukjae. He skipped out after the old lady, quite a feat as she was going at about two miles per hour.
Hyukjae leaned back on the counter, taking out his phone to pass time. Just as he was about to get to the next level of Pacman, Ryeowook, the grocery cart boy, burst into the market. Or he would have if the automatic doors had opened in time. But they didn’t. The loud smack as Ryeowook became acquainted with fiberglass face first startled Hyukjae, and his phone slipped out of his grip, hitting the linoleum with a foreboding crack.
Ryeowook stumbled in a few seconds later, hand massaging his forehead. “Hyung! Help!” he cried.
Hyukjae prodded the blank screen of his phone mournfully. Sighing, he turned to Ryewook. “What is it?”
Ryeowook gestured madly, eyes wide. “Donghae-hyung is being kidnapped!”
Hyukjae raised his eyebrow and looked out the window to see a familiar sight: Kangin, the parking lot security guard, was riding on a grocery cart as he gave chase to the little old lady from earlier. The little old lady, gunning it and demonstrating her steering skills (or lack of), was positively cackling. A terrified Donghae was stuffed in her front basket, clinging on for dear life.
Hyukjae groaned. “Again? That’s the third old lady to attempt this week.”
3. Lawyer
“Your Honor, Lee Hyukjae is guilty of assault and battery.” Kyuhyun pointed dramatically at his client, a little old lady in a wheelchair. “He beat my client, an elderly, defenseless woman in a wheelchair, over the head with an umbrella. My client suffered much damage, both physically and emotionally.”
“And what evidence do you have of this event?” asked the judge.
Kyuhyun adjusted his tie smugly. “There are security tapes of the incident as well as dozens of witnesses from the scene of the crime. Shall we see the first tape?”
Hyukjae felt beads of sweat make its way down his neck as the entire courtroom viewed the grainy tape. “Are you sure about this?” he whispered to Heechul, the lawyer he hired. “Isn’t this the part where you shout, ‘Objection, Your Honor’ or something?”
Heechul shushed him, eyes glued to the screen. “I want to watch this. Ooh, you really did do a number with that umbrella.”
“That wasn’t me!” Hyukjae groaned, wondering why his own lawyer didn’t even believe him. “I was framed!” He glared across the room at the old lady, who sneered back at him.
“I believe you,” chirped Donghae, Heechul’s apprentice. “There’s no way someone with arms like yours could hit that hard.”
“Thanks,” mumbled Hyukjae, burying his face in his hands.
“What is the rebuttal from the defendant?” asked the judge once they reviewed all the videos and all the witnesses gave their accounts of the events.
To Hyukjae’s surprise, instead of Heechul, Donghae stood up. “What the heck?” hissed Hyukjae to Heechul. “I hired you, not him! Why is he standing up?”
Heechul smacked the back of Hyukjae’s head. “Shut up and just watch. He’s my best student. There is no way he will fail.” Hyukjae sat back, partially mollified. That is, until Donghae started talking.
“Your Honor, my client is guilty,” Donghae declared confidently.
“What?!” squawked Hyukjae, jumping out of his seat. “Your Honor, I object! That’s bogus!”
The judge pounded his gravel. “Lee Hyukjae, remain seated unless otherwise instructed or the court will have to hold you in contempt.” Hyukjae sank down reluctantly. The judge gestured for Donghae to continue.
“Your Honor, as I was saying, my client is guilty,” Donghae restarted, tone mournful. “But…” He whirled around pointing at Hyukjae’s face. “Look at how remorseful he looks.” Surprised, Hyukjae did his best to put on a penitent face. The judge nodded thoughtfully, scribbling a note to himself.
Donghae walked dramatically up to the judge’s podium. “And since he feels truly sorry. Right here. Right here! In his heart!” Donghae jabbed a finger at his chest. “Don’t you feel that he deserves a second chance?” asked Donghae, wide eyes beseeching.
The judge’s thick eyebrows rose impossibly high as he considered Donghae’s words. “Well…”
Donghae reached over the podium, grabbed the judge by the front of his robes, and pulled him in close. “Your Honor,” said Donghae, eyes blazing with passion. “Just ask yourself this: what would Jesus do?” He then released the judge, brushed off his hands, and then sent Hyukjae a jaunty wink. Hyukjae flipped him the bird.
“Mr. Lee,” said the judge after several moments of contemplation. “You drive a hard bargain, sir. Lee Hyukjae is not guilty.” He banged his gravel once more. “Court dismissed.”
“See? What did I tell you?” Heechul gloated smugly.
“Shut up,” growled Hyukjae. “Give me my money back.”
“Nuh-uh. And speaking of money, you need to pay Donghae for his efforts.”
“What?!” Hyukjae gawked at Heechul. “But I already paid!”
Heechul studied his fingernails, a perfect picture of boredom. “Correction. You paid me. But you didn’t pay him.” Hyukjae let out a scream of frustration.
4. Surgeon
“You see, this is a very simple operation,” Dr. Lee Donghae was saying as he poked around Hyukjae’s intestines. “There’s only a 0.5% failure rate.”
Hyukjae would’ve replied, but the anesthetic was still at work (why he wasn’t asleep in Lalaland would make a really good question).
Donghae hummed merrily as he reached for a scalpel. “Just cut here, and here, and take this out, and…oops.” Donghae scratched his head sheepishly. “I think I messed up. Oh well,” he said happily. “I’ve always prided myself as a person who always beats the odds.”
Hyukjae gurgled and died.
5. Mad Scientist
“Donghae,” said Hyukjae as he watched his boyfriend carefully pouring a vial of purple liquid into a beaker of who-knows-what, which promptly exploded.
“Yeah?” asked Donghae, distracted by his eyebrows which were now on fire.
Hyukjae smacked Donghae’s forehead to put out the flames. “I love you just the way you are. Even if you sometimes leave me in the bathroom without toilet paper. Don’t ever change, okay?”
Donghae raised his eyebrows (although it was hard to tell if he actually did considering the fact that most of it was gone now). “What do you want?” he asked suspiciously, rubbing his red forehead.
“Why do you think I want something?” sniffed Hyukjae, miffed. “Must I want something to express my overflowing love for you?”
“You only say that when you want something,” Donghae insisted.
Hyukjae grinned and leaned forward to peck the younger on the lips. “Nothing. I love you more than anything in the world. Don’t forget that.” Sliding out of his seat, Hyukjae happily went off to find his laptop and maybe surf the internet or watch porn while he waited for Donghae to finish up whatever experiment he was conducting. And he would have if he found it.
“Donghae, where’s my laptop?” asked Hyukjae, having searched their entire house only to come up empty handed. Donghae waved his hand in the direction of the kitchen. “I already looked in the kitchen…” Hyukjae trailed off as he realized with no little amount of dread that Donghae was gesturing to something in the kitchen, more specifically, the oven.
Mustering up all his courage, Hyukjae yanked open the oven. He was met by a terrible sight. There, in the middle of the rack, were the charred remnants of his beloved laptop. “Donghae,” said Hyukjae, fighting to keep his voice controlled.
Donghae’s head popped into the kitchen. “Yes?”
Hyukjae gingerly held up the blackened lump. “What is this?”
Donghae blinked at him, the picture of perfect innocence. “Your laptop. You see, I wanted to test the effects of heat when applied to-”
“Donghae, I’m going to kill you!” screamed Hyukjae. Donghae bolted. Picking up the nearest object (a spatula), Hyukjae gave chase. “Get your ass back here!”
“You love me more than anything in the world. Don’t forget that,” Donghae sang, too smug for Hyukjae’s liking, as the spatula flew over his head.
Hyukjae growled, and, not for the first time, wondered why he did.
A/N: Coincidently, I was eating sushi yesterday and realized that the avocado looked strange (luckily, I did not eat it).