(Untitled)

[number5player]

Finn paced around the place, triple checking everything, making sure it was just like Kurt's notes told him. Rachel would be there soon, but he was never good at waiting and besides, this was... This was special. Things had been so up and down with them lately and he was determined to make things good for her again. Like they were before. He loved

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[acontrollist]

Honestly? Rachel's sure this is a break-up meeting. Finn's been so distant lately, following her screw up with sex (and it'd been selfish of her, to try and do that to him. Although, she was the one willing to give up her virginity for a role. But...she supposed that his first time with someone he loved was important too) and his loss with the OSU recruiter. But she loves Finn. She's loved him since Sophomore year...its just that he's seemed so sad, so angry and when he's not, she's trying to figure out exactly how she's going to get into NYADA with a suspension and not having performed at sectionals and-

"Hi." She smiles nervously, stepping into the house. "How are you?"

[acontrollist]

Star references. You're on your way, kiddo. She reaches out lay her hand over his, squeezing it and leaning over to kiss his cheek. "You're a star too, Finn. We're all...in our own special ways, you know? There's a place for each of us to be our own type of star." And maybe Finn's not a good dancer or singer, but he's good in football (that Cooter Mankins has been nothing but trouble since he graced WMHS with his presence anyway), and if nothing else he's her star and that's good enough for Rachel.

[number5player]

He chases her mouth this time, his free hand coming up to cup her cheek gently. "Thank you Rachel. I.." Something in his chest screamed at him, 'now, now do it now'. So he slipped out of his chair, still holding her hand, and pulled out the ringbox. "I love you. Fo-forever." Was all he could manage but she had to understand everything he meant by it. On one knee with a ringbox was pretty clear, right? He hoped so, because his throat felt like it had closed up on any other words he might add.

[acontrollist]

Yes, what he's doing is very clear.

Too clear.

So clear that she hopes she's wrong for the first time in her life. "...Finn?" She can't breathe and the rims of her eyes are burning and oh god no, no, please no...

[number5player]

He bites his lip, wondering what to do. She shouldn't have tears right? Or like, if she did, the should be like, happy ones, only she isn't smiling. This isn't... Maybe she doesn't get it? He opens it slowly, fear starting to creep in now, as the thought occurs of, what if she says no?

[acontrollist]

"Finn-" Oh god, it is. And-... "Oh my god." He opens the box and now she's really crying because- "Oh Finn. It's beautiful. I-it's perfect just-..." She can't. She just can't. She just turned 18 three weeks ago and marriage is-...is she even emotionally prepared to make that kind of commitment, even if he is willing to wait until she has her Tony to actually get married? They're young, what if the people they are by then aren't the same people they are now and what if and what if and what if and-

"Finn, I can't. I'm so, so sorry, I can't-...I can't make that promise to you right now."

[number5player]

"Wh-what? But... But I thought..." His head is spinning because at worst he'd imagined that she'd say they had to wait, for school to end, or her starring role, or one of those big awards or something but never... Never no. "I thought that... That you loved me. So- So why not? What's wrong? What did I do?"

[acontrollist]

"I do! I do love you! But we're only 18, Finn, we're not ready for that type of commitment. You didn't do anything wrong! There's nothing wrong-" There's so much wrong, Rachel. So much. At least your subconcious is smart enough to recognize it even though the rest of you is trying to hold onto what you know deep down isn't right. "You didn't do anything wrong." At least that's the truth. "But I'm not ready. You're not ready. And I told you I was waiting for my Tony before I got married. Remember?"

[number5player]

Okay, okay he can.. It's not really a no 'no' its like, an overthinking kinda 'no' thing? Maybe? "It's... It doesn't have to mean right now. I know you said after your award thing, I just... It just means I love you enough to want to promise that like... Like that we want that, someday, that we'll fight to get to it, you know? I love you Rachel. Like, so much I can't... I can't imagine any girl but you in my life anymore." His eyes are wide and earnest, pleading with her to understand, to say the words to make things good and happy and right again.

[acontrollist]

She can't do it.

She understands. She understands everything. Its like the promise ring Sam gave Quinn and she knows that maybe he doesn't mean right now but everything in her is clamping down on the yes that she wants to give him, but somehow knows she shouldn't.

"I love you too, Finn. I love you so much but we can't-...I can't make this kind of commitment right now. It doesn't mean never, Finn, it doesn't. But I just turned 18 and this is an emotional commitment that I'm just not ready for but that doesn't mean I don't love you or that I don't want this eventually!"

[number5player]

He hears what she's saying but somehow... He still feels like someone kicked him in the chest. "I... But- but why? It's... I don't understand. I- I love you Rach. I love you, so much I... I just want to be with you..." He takes one of her hands in both of his, pressing the box to her palm.

"Please, you- you have to take it."

[acontrollist]

"I love you too, Finn but-" He's pressing the box into her hands and she's shaking her head and pressing it back and she can't really see what she's doing because the tears in her eyes are making everything all blurry and-

"I can't, Finn, I can't take it, I can't promise you that right now and we can still be together, we can, this isn't a forever no, its just a-...a wait-for-the-Tony no..."

[number5player]

It feels like a forever no though. And he can't just leave it alone, no he has to know, has to understand because if they loved each other, really loved each other, why would the statue or medal or whatever make any difference?

"But- But why? We love each other. don't we? It- it's not a right now, it isn't I just... I just wanted to know I'm- You're- We're like, each other's like that, one day. I- I mean what if you don't get it for- for ages or at all, and we've just forever like.. Like this? I- Love isn't about awards it just... It just is"

[acontrollist]

At All

Rachel swallows back the anger burning at the back of her throat. He can't mean it. Of course he doesn't mean it, he's upset. She's upset him and people lash out when they're upset. But Finn loves her and supports her, she knows he does. "I will. I'll get it, Finn, but I just-...love isn't about labels either and we don't have to get married just because we're in love! It doesn't mean we won't have a beautiful loft and share a bed and make love and-..but-...I need to focus. I have to focus, Finn. I can do this. I can. But if we get married then there'll be children and I have to focus and I can't focus on being a star if we have children or if I'm planning a wedding or on a honeymoon...And I know its not a right now. And I want this someday. I just can't make that commitment today..."

[number5player]

Something in him, something deep inside, recoils at the mention of kids. He doesn't know why, that same place always seemed so happy at the thought of kids one far off day. That normally brought up how he'd felt about Drizzle, and how this time it'd really be his baby and his family and he'd get to keep them all and everyone could be happy but just- No. He pulled away the tiniest bit before he could think about it, his mindful of the conflicting visions being offered.

Kids and house with yard and maybe a furry pet of some kind or... Or Rachel's loft with the large shared bed and giggling tickle fights that turn into more and then her call times and her auditions and lines and scripts all neat on the table as she goes over lines and... He doesn't see how he can fit into all of that for long if she can't even give him this little thing now. His shoulders slump as he sits back on the floor staring at the ring box as it falls from their joined hands to hit the ground. He really doesn't know what to say.

[acontrollist]

"Finn-"

She doesn't know what to say, but she can't let the box stay there. She picks it up, taking the time to gaze at it for a second. Because...well it really is so perfect and so beautiful. But after a moment, she closes it and sits it on the table.

"Finn, I love you. And...and someday. Someday I'll be ready. I'm just not yet." And she can't explain why. Its kind of like...sex. If she wasn't ready, would he do this then? Beg her? Cry? Say "If you loved me..."

Actually. She's always been of the firm opinion that any man who used "If you loved me..." or any variation of that as an excuse to push past boundaries she wasn't ready to breech didn't really love her and she shouldn't continue that relationship.

But...this isn't the same.

Is it?