[JE] [FAIRY] The Princes and the Pi
Title: The Princes and the Pi
Fandom: KAT-TUN
Pairing: Akame
Rating: PG
Genre: Humour, AU, crack, twisted fairy tale
Word count: Approx. 7,100
Disclaimer: Not mine, damnit.
Summary: Yamapi promised Kame's parents he'd see their son happily married off to a princess by his twenty-first birthday. Kame's twenty-one already, and sick of pretending to court princesses. When Jin turns up on the doorstep of Castle Kamelot, seeking shelter on the night of the worst storm in history and claiming to be a prince, Kame thinks he's found the solution to his problem. Yamapi's not so sure, and he can't possibly give his approval to the match until he tests Jin...
Author's Notes:
It's time to give another fairytale the Akame twist! In case the title didn't give it away, this is a sort of extended Akame remix of 'The Princess and the Pea', guest-starring Yamapi as Kame's guardian and the rest of KAT-TUN (and some members of NewS) in various guises. (Three guesses who makes a cameo as the local wizard.)
I'm pretty sure this won't be necessary for anyone, but just in case, here's a guide to the drama references:
Shuji = Kame's character in Nobuta wo Produce
Akira = Yamapi's character in Nobuta wo Produce
Hayato = Jin's character in Gokusen 2
Ryu = Kame's character in Gokusen 2
Akihiko (Kurosawa) = Jin's character in Anego
Naoko = Jin's love interest in Anego
Miroku = Jin's character in Yukan Club (which is where the 369 reference comes from)
Please bear in mind that in fairy tales, things like love at first sight and happy ever after happen all the time, so don't be expecting anything in the way of depth here...
The Princes and the Pi
The small kingdom of Nobuta, ruled over by the widowed King Shuji, was experiencing a period of unusual unrest. His Majesty had been spending more and more time with his neighbour across the water, King Akira, and thus his only son and heir, the Prince Kame, had been entrusted to the care of his friend and guardian, Yamapi. This had been all very well when the prince was a mere lad of fifteen (and Yamapi at the grand old age of sixteen), but now that the prince was twenty-one and a man in his own right, things were not so peaceful between them. There was one issue on which these two friends were not in accord, and it was beginning to affect their daily routine.
Dinner had been served at Castle Kamelot: an enormous roast chicken with all the trimmings and a side order of disappointment, topped off with a simmering sauce of resentment and ire. The food, as usual, was excellent. The conversation, alas, left much to be desired.
"You're too picky," Yamapi complained through a mouthful of potatoes. "I swore to your father on your poor dead mother's grave that I'd have you married off to a beautiful princess by your twenty-first birthday."
Kame smirked and popped open a beer, earning himself a disapproving glare from Yamapi - not because he was drinking alcohol, but because it was the last one on the table and they had to send a servant back to the kitchen to resupply. "I'm almost twenty-two - you're not doing a very good job of it, are you?"
"It's not my fault you keep turning them all down," the other man sulked. "If you weren't so fussy you could have children by now."
Kame had to admit, having children around the castle would improve the atmosphere considerably. Castle Kamelot, named in his honour, was a drafty (though not that old) building, maintained by a never-ending round of construction work and inhabited by more retired craftsmen, doddering servants and loathsome busybodies than anywhere else in the kingdom. That this particular night was playing host to the worst storm in recorded history did not help matters.
"Just look at your reports," Yamapi continued, pulling out a sheaf of papers and using the drumstick in his hand to highlight the relevant parts. "The princess you went to visit last week. I asked for your opinion and you drew a stick figure!"
Kame shrugged. "She was a flat, skinny thing with no meat on her at all. I don't want to marry myself, thanks." As an afterthought, he added, "Besides, you're much more impressive in the chest department than she was."
Yamapi preened for a moment, pleased that the prince finally seemed to be acknowledging how beneficial regular work-outs at the castle gym could be, then remembered he was supposed to be delivering a lecture. "How about this one? You can't tell me she wasn't pretty enough for you. How can you beat a princess who models lingerie in between organising charity events?"
"She was tone-deaf," Kame explained. "She tried to sing me a welcome song and a pair of sparrows fell out of a tree, stone dead."
"Coincidence!"
"I thought so too, until I noticed all the plants were withering up. She killed a thousand year-old oak tree with her voice, Yamapi. I left after five minutes."
"I guess it might've been the safest thing to do," Yamapi begrudged him. "But we're running out of princesses, Kame. Most of them are already married. You can't afford to be choosy anymore. Yesterday's candidate left here in tears and she had a voice like an angel."
The prince swallowed hard - a lump of chicken had got caught in his throat - and tried to explain to his guardian why he'd turned down a beautiful, talented, sweet, innocent and kind girl and sent her fleeing from the castle as though the dogs were at her heels. (Which they weren't, because they were out back getting some exercise.)
"Um..." he began.
Yamapi gave him an encouraging look and another beer, just in case.
"I...uh..."
"Yes?"
"I...um...told her I wasn't interested in girls."
Yamapi's eyes went wide. "You couldn't find a good reason to turn her down so you lied to her? Kame, you're a prince! You're supposed to let your ministers lie for you!"
Kame blushed as red as his dyed coppery hair. "It wasn't a lie," he mumbled.
"Oh." Yamapi set down his drumstick, in such a state of shock that he forgot all about food. Five minutes later he said, "Yeah, okay. I can deal with that." He balled up his list of princesses and tossed it in the bin that one of the servants kindly held up for him; everyone applauded politely when he sank the shot from across the room. "So what *are* you interested in?" he asked the prince. "I promised to get you married, after all."
The dining room fell silent and Koki, Kame's pet sheep, backed away nervously from his comfortable position at his master's feet. The gold jewellery draped round his fleece jangled as he moved.
Kame took hold of the largest of the chains and gently coaxed his pet back to his side. "Men, okay? I like men."
This had the immediate effect of making all the male servants take two steps back - aside from one handsome young fellow by the name of Kusano, who gave the prince a hopeful grin. Kame caught the look and shook his head apologetically.
Five minutes and a flood of tears later, Kame and Yamapi were alone in the dining room, food long-forgotten. Without the bustle of the servants to cover it, the storm's rage split the night, cracks of thunder punctuating every other sentence and an endless waterfall of rain providing a dramatic backdrop for the conversation.
Despite this, Yamapi was quite cheerful. "There are plenty of eligible princes around," he said, scrawling some down on a fresh piece of paper. "Second, third and fourth sons. Maybe we can hold an open day or something, invite them all over and offer them the chance of getting out of the church or the military. What's your type?"
The prospect of starting all over again didn't hold much appeal for Kame. He was getting fed up of going on visits, or having to play host, and spending all his time trying to figure out how to pay court against his will without actually doing anything. He was under no illusions about his fellow princes, either. All the decent ones were probably taken, leaving just the vacuous, the mean-spirited or the dull. But at least there was the possibility that he might find them physically attractive, which was more than could be said for the princesses.
Why did he have to go through the whole ridiculous process for the second time?
Why couldn't the perfect prince just appear on his doorstep?
Just as Kame was about to voice his complaints to Yamapi, a thunderous crash at the door made them both jump. This tended to happen a lot, since the doorbell had been broken for months and visitors were forced to use the heavy gold knocker. As the object in question was occasionally employed by the residents for weight training, the noise generated by its normal use was tremendous.
"What idiot would be out on a night like this?" Yamapi wondered as he and Kame made their way to the front hall to spy on the intruder, completely forgetting that only a fortnight ago he'd been out in almost as inclement weather on a quest for his favourite ice cream.
"A strong one, if he can use the doorknocker," Kame pointed out. He wasn't expecting much. They didn't get that many unexpected callers and those that did venture to knock usually turned out to be incredibly persistent magazine salesmen. Consequently, Kame owned more issues of Myojo than any teenage girl in the kingdom.
However much strength the stranger possessed, he seemed to be at the end of it. Kame and Yamapi hid behind the curtains while their elderly doorman, with some effort, swung the door open to reveal a soaking, bedraggled man wrapped in a sodden black cloak. He looked utterly exhausted.
The doorman looked on disdainfully as the stranger fell to his knees, landing half on the welcome mat and thus preventing the door from being closed on him. He muttered a plea, realised he couldn't be heard and drew back his hood to try again.
Kame smothered a gasp and whispered to Yamapi, "You asked what my type was? *That* is my type."
Yamapi had to admit, once the stranger's face, framed by dark, dripping hair, was exposed to the light of the hall, it actually wasn't bad to look at. Not that it mattered. It wouldn't do to let Kame come in contact with an unsuitable young man, never mind his looks.
"Please," the stranger rasped out. "Please let me stay here tonight."
The doorman gave Yamapi a sideways glance, silently asking him what should be done. Yamapi sighed and prepared to give him the thumbs-down, but Kame jabbed him in the ribs.
"Let him stay," Kame murmured. "If he gets sick and dies, you'll be responsible."
"I can't let him in," Yamapi muttered back. "Your father won't approve. You might decide you like that handsome face of his too much and run away with him in the middle of the night."
"In *this* weather?"
Seeing that his welcome wasn't warming up any, the stranger tried another tactic. "I can pay?" he offered. "I'm not carrying any money on me but if you send to my father he'll take care of it."
"No money?" Yamapi queried as he stepped out from behind the curtains.
The young man grinned awkwardly. "My teacher always told me: royalty should never carry cash. He wouldn't let me leave the palace without checking me over for small change."
Royalty? Yamapi was dubious.
Kame wasn't. "Are you a prince too?" he asked, elbowing past Yamapi and offering the stranger a hand up.
"Too?" he repeated.
Yamapi pushed Kame aside and left the doorman to assist their unexpected visitor. "This is His Highness, Prince Kame, son of King Shuji of Nobuta."
"Oh. Oh!" The stranger's eyes expanded to the size of saucers. "So *you're* that Prince Kame. One of my brothers keeps telling me you look like his boyfriend, but I don't see the resemblance. You don't have a cousin Ryu, do you?"
Kame struggled to remember the more distant branches of his family tree. "Second cousin once removed, I think..."
"Never mind his cousins," Yamapi interrupted hastily, not wanting Kame to engage their visitor in conversation any more than necessary until they knew for sure who he was. "What about you?"
"I don't have any cousins. How about you?"
"I've got three," Yamapi began, then slapped himself on the forehead when he realised what he was saying. "Forget the relatives, I just want to know who you are."
"Couldn't I dry off a little before we do introductions?"
Yamapi felt himself slightly swayed by the pitiful, drowned-rat figure that the other man cut, but snapped out of it in a hurry. He owed it to King Shuji not to let his son consort with riff-raff. "You have to tell us who you are and where you come from before we can let you in," he said. "Local custom."
Kame, who was busy directing servants to fetch towels and dry clothing, looked askance at this. "What local custom?"
The stranger, shivering heavily and surreptitiously edging himself further through the door, didn't notice. "I'm Jin, second son of King Akihiko and Queen Naoko of the kingdom of Anego."
Hmm. Yamapi favoured him with as suspicious a glare as he could, though the effect was completely lost on Jin as he was staring at the carpet. "Long way from home, aren't you?"
Jin sneezed pathetically and wrapped his arms around himself for warmth. "I...uh...I was on a motorbike tour of the Three Hundred and Sixty-Nine Kingdoms with my younger brother, Miroku, when I kind of...had a bit of an accident."
Jin's story, Yamapi decided, had a very faint ring of truth to it. He'd heard of the family, at least - the eldest, Prince Hayato, was a notorious troublemaker and it had been rumoured for years that his father might disinherit him in favour of one of the two younger sons. The youngest, Miroku, spent most of his time out on his motorbike, and nobody knew much about Jin, the middle son, beyond the fact that he had a beautiful singing voice.
"What kind of accident?" Kame asked, concerned. "Are you hurt?"
Jin rubbed his nose and met Kame's eyes, looking embarrassed. "Nah. I...um...accidentally insulted his helmet - which is really stupid-looking, by the way - and when I woke up this morning I was all by myself, in the middle of nowhere, without my bike. The jerk took all my gear with him too. He probably figured on letting me stew for a while, then sending someone back to "rescue" me."
The story didn't exactly touch Kame's heart, nor did it make him feel over-awed by Jin's intellect...but he did look cute when he was embarrassed, didn't he? "Don't you think that maybe you should've stayed where he left you, then?" Kame asked.
"Couldn't let him have things all his own way, could I? Besides, it started raining, and I couldn't find any shelter so I just kept walking. You're the first people I've seen in ages - this kingdom of yours is kind of empty, isn't it?"
"We're on the outskirts," Kame informed him coldly.
Under Kame and Yamapi's measuring gazes, Jin contrived to look as helpless and appealing as possible. It wasn't hard. "He took my map, too. I didn't even know I was in your kingdom," he said apologetically. "Now you know who I am, can I *please* come in? I won't cause any trouble. I just need a dry place to sleep and I'll be on my way in the morning." He sneezed again, thrice, then added a touch of pity-me-or-feel-guilty charm to his voice and said, "If I haven't caught my death of cold by then, anyway."
Yamapi made up his mind. Even if Jin was lying about his identity, there was no way they could throw him back out in the rain. It wasn't worth the guilt, and it might be nice to have some company in their own age range for a change.
Besides, if Yamapi had Jin under his roof, he could test him. There were, after all, proven methods for finding out for certain whether or not a man was a prince, and Yamapi knew them all. He would secretly check Jin's status and if he turned out to be genuine, Yamapi would feel confident in giving his approval to Kame.
Kame caught his guardian's eye and smiled hopefully. Yamapi nodded and stood back to let the servants take care of the new arrival.
Three hours later...
Jin cleaned up really nicely, Kame decided - whether he was a prince or not. A hot bath, hairdryer and fresh clothing had worked miracles on the water-logged young man, and he'd even stopped sneezing.
"This castle's amazing," Jin raved in between (and sometimes during) mouthfuls of rice. Having had their dinner interrupted, Kame and Yamapi had decided some late-night snacking was in order just as soon as Jin was fit for company and Cook had outdone herself. "There's all these neat little nooks and stuff, like in a story. My home's all modern and bland, but this place has character!"
Kame tried to imagine his dark and drafty home through Jin's eyes. He supposed it could be kind of fascinating, if you didn't live there and had never had the joys of having reams of purple damask falling on you as you paced the grey stone corridors, or of having the electric lights go out at the most awkward moments, like when you were shaving. He'd turned up to the breakfast table one morning with what he liked to think was designer stubble, and Yamapi had almost had a heart attack.
"It was my dad's present to me," Kame said. "He asked me what I wanted for my tenth birthday, and I was really into these collectible model castles at the time. I didn't expect him to order a real one built."
Jin was suitably impressed. He demonstrated this by remaining shiny-eyed and sparkly while he tucked into his pudding with much gusto. Kame, inspired, attacked an enormous slice of chocolate cake, keeping his eyes firmly fixed on Jin all the while. The other man could give Yamapi a run for his money in the eating department, that was clear. He had a nice figure, Kame thought - taller than Kame, but with enough weight on him not to seem lanky.
He was obviously no genius, but Kame wasn't looking for someone to help him with the daily crossword puzzle anyway. (Yamapi's attempts, more often than not, resulted in the newspaper being shredded by excessive erasing.) He was, however, pleasant to be around - quiet, initially, but he'd settled down soon enough and by the time the food arrived he'd brightened up considerably.
Kame approved. Whether or not Yamapi did, he couldn't tell.
Eventually it was time for bed, and both men escorted Jin to his room. "Sorry, it's the only guest room in the castle that isn't being worked on right now," Yamapi apologised. "The bed's a little weird, but you'll be okay."
When he saw the room that had been prepared, Kame was about to protest that wait a minute, there were plenty of other guest rooms, but Yamapi stepped on his foot to keep him quiet.
Jin's eager smile vanished abruptly the instant he walked through the door, though he tried to be graceful. "It's really nice of you to lend me a room but isn't the bed a bit...um...high? There must be at least ten mattresses on that thing!"
"Twenty," Yamapi assured him. "For health reasons."
"Health reasons!" Jin squawked. If anything, the bed was going to be hazardous to his health. He was used to sleeping on unorthodox beds - one didn't go on a bike tour with a four-poster, after all - but this was the first one where having a restless night could kill him.
"The air's better up there," Yamapi said, as if that explained everything.
Kame wasn't inclined to believe him. The bedroom had the highest ceiling in the castle - one of their previous guests had been claustrophobic - and mattresses formed a lofty tower for as far as the eye could see.
"Here." Yamapi propelled Jin towards a ladder that hung down from a rail around the top. "Use this."
"What if he rolls over in his sleep?" Kame protested as soon as he and Yamapi had left their bewildered guest to his ascent. "He'll kill himself! And there was only one mattress in that room, last time I checked, so where did the other nineteen come from?"
Yamapi beamed at him, oblivious to his anger. "Don't worry, I thought about that and had them put a barrier round the top when they built the rest of the bed. He'll be fine."
Kame successfully resisted the temptation to grab his guardian by the lapels of his black leather jacket and shake an answer out of him. "But why put Jin on twenty mattresses in the first place?"
"Because," Yamapi looked prouder of himself than ever, "then we'll be able to find out if he really is a prince."
"You mean, when his family come to claim the body and King Akihiko complains that we killed his middle son?"
"Nope. It's a test, Kame. I put a pea underneath the bottom mattress. If he's really a prince, he'll be so delicate that he'll feel it through all twenty, and not be able to sleep at all."
Kame snorted. "I sleep with stuff under my mattress all the time and it doesn't bother me a bit." He had to stash his Playgirl collection somewhere, after all.
"You just have stupidly-high pain tolerance levels," Yamapi muttered, and stalked off to bed before Kame could poke any more holes in his masterplan.
Three hours later...
Kame felt it was his duty, as host, to check on the welfare of his guest. At least, that's what he would've answered if anyone had caught him sneaking into Jin's room with a torch in the early hours of the morning. Luckily, there was no one around to see. In reality, he wanted to see if Yamapi was right, if Jin really was spending a sleepless night at the top of his tower.
But no, Jin was sleeping so heavily that he didn't even notice Kame appearing at the top of the ladder. When Kame poked him experimentally, he merely sighed and rolled over, ending up on his back.
Kame watched him sleep for a moment. There was no reason Jin shouldn't be a prince, and it was obvious that the test was fallible, but Yamapi wouldn't see it that way. Who would it hurt if Kame were to arrange matters to suit himself?
Naturally, he couldn't just wake the slumbering man. He would have to ensure that when Yamapi questioned him in the morning, Jin's lack of sleep was attributed to a lump in his bed.
Kame knew just the thing. The castle cook excelled at everything she tried - except chocolate coconut crunchies. The small, spherical cookies, when made by anyone else, were a tasty treat. When created by Cook, however...broken teeth were the *least* of the worries involved. A chunk of granite felt like marshmallow in comparison.
And it just so happened that Cook's latest efforts had been part of the oversized snack collection produced upon Jin's arrival. Kame and Yamapi had wisely avoided them; Jin had eyed them curiously but done the same. It was the work of a few minutes for Kame to return to Jin's bedroom with one (and another few minutes to make his way back up the ladder). He carefully slipped the cookie between two of the many sheets, secure in the knowledge that even Jin's body weight was unlikely to be able to crush it, then poked him to make him roll over.
Obligingly, Jin scrunched up his face in an adorable fashion and turned, rolling onto the hidden snack. Kame barely remembered to duck in time as one of Jin's hands flailed in his direction. He waited long enough for the other man to shift awkwardly in his sleep, unconsciously trying to find a comfortable position, before returning to the warmth of his own bed.
The next morning...
"How'd you sleep?" were the first words out of Yamapi's mouth when a servant escorted Jin to the breakfast table.
Jin blinked and rubbed sleep from his eyes, throwing himself down on the nearest chair. "Good morning to you too."
"Yeah." Yamapi remembered his manners. "Good morning. How'd you sleep?"
There was a long pause as Jin tried various expressions in an effort not to offend his hosts unduly, ending up with a pained little half-smile that partially bared his teeth. "Not that great, actually."
Yamapi did his best to sound concerned, not intrigued, but failed miserably. Subtlety was never his strong point. "Really?"
Behind his cup, Kame allowed himself a victorious grin.
"Yeah." Jin took a few nourishing sips of coffee. "I started off fine, then I must've dislodged a spring or something 'cause I had something really uncomfortable digging into my back. It was too dark to check, and I didn't want to risk climbing down to find the light switch."
"That sounds terrible," Kame said with false gravity. "Did you manage to sleep at all after that?"
Jin brightened. "Oh sure, I just curled round the other way. It's a really big mattress."
Yamapi and Kame both groaned, for two different reasons, and Jin looked down warily at his breakfast in case they'd both contracted food poisoning and he was next in line.
"Doesn't prove anything," Yamapi hissed at Kame, using a slice of toast as a shield.
"Then try another test," Kame muttered back from behind his cup.
Thinking they were asking him to pass the toast, Jin handed the plate down the table. Unfortunately, Koki the sheep was also in the mood for breakfast, and in an unexpected and completely uncharacteristic move, butted against Jin's knees. Jin yelped and dropped the plate, which knocked over his coffee, swamping his free hand with the hot liquid.
Yamapi seized on the opportunity at once. "You're burned!" he exclaimed. "You'd better stay another day. We couldn't possibly let you leave in that condition."
"Huh?"
Before Jin could utter anything further, Kame had him covered in Lidocaine. (In his haste, he'd accidentally spilled the bottle not just on Jin's hand, but the rest of him as well.)
"I'll be fine," he protested weakly. "It wasn't even that hot anymore. I'll just sit here a while with this blue stuff on and I'll be okay to go."
"Don't be an idiot," Kame told him, mentally thanking his pet for the favour. "We'd be terrible hosts if we let you leave like this."
"What part of being a good host involves calling someone an idiot?" Jin wondered.
Yamapi ignored him. "You should take it easy today," he told Jin firmly. "Why don't you go take a stroll in the castle gardens, now that the rain's stopped? If you go right down to the rose garden, you'll meet the unicorns."
*That* caught Jin's attention. "Unicorns?"
The other man nodded solemnly. "Yep, unicorns. There's a couple that come play here sometimes. I bet they'll show themselves for you."
Jin had never seen a unicorn outside of a storybook. His home kingdom was thoroughly modern, all efficiency and sweeping elegance, and magical creatures of all sorts gave it a wide berth. To his shame, they didn't even have a court wizard. But somehow, it wasn't unthinkable that he could meet unicorns here, in this grey stone castle with its unusual occupants. During those comfortable hours of sleep last night, he'd dreamt of Kame, a smiling redhead watching him with warm eyes, and wondered if Kame had dreamt of him too.
Unbeknownst to Jin, he had indeed featured in Kame's dreams, though they involved nothing as innocent as mere watching and Yamapi would've had a fit if he'd been able to tune into his charge's mind. (A fit, or possibly a request for a threesome.)
Kame had to go into the next room to hide his laughter, lest Jin suspect that something was amiss, and when Yamapi caught up to him he was doubled up in front of the fireplace, clutching his ribs.
"What?"
"Unicorns?" Kame gasped out. "In our gardens? I thought you were going to test Jin, not send him out on a wild-goose chase."
Yamapi glared at him. "It just so happens that unicorns only flock to royalty," he said haughtily. "They won't go near the rest of us. They have keen noses that can tell the difference."
"What about me? I've been in that garden hundreds of times and I've never seen a unicorn!" Kame protested.
"You have, you just don't remember. I don't remember either, actually, but we've got video footage around somewhere. All the local unicorns are too traumatised to get anywhere near you."
"Why?" Kame asked. "What did I ever do to them?"
"I've got a better question for you. How did you get to be an expert pole-dancer at age four?"
So much for that. Kame blushed and offered up a silent apology to the unfortunate unicorns, then went to wash all the Lidocaine off his hands.
Out in the gardens...
Kame watched in amazement as not one, not two, but an entire family of unicorns, right down to a tiny foal with nothing but a stub, surrounded Jin as he rested on a bench at the bottom of the rose garden. Out of necessity, Kame and Yamapi were hiding in the arbour. If Kame let the unicorns catch so much as a glimpse of him, Yamapi had warned, they'd be gone in a flash.
"I don't believe this."
"Aren't they cute?" Yamapi was cooing over the unicorns. "Look how many of them there are! His family must be more distinguished than I thought."
"So I have your approval?"
"Go right ahead and make your move," Yamapi said happily, "but let me watch the unicorns for a bit longer first. Maybe I should take a picture for your "Uncle" Akira? I bet he'd like them."
Fine. Kame could wait. He worked on his plan of attack - how exactly *did* one say to a fellow prince, "Hey, you're probably never going to inherit in your own kingdom, wanna come join me in mine?" Perhaps the problem pages of his magazines could help.
He'd only gotten as far as mentally asking Jin if he was single when Yamapi rudely interrupted his thoughts by thumping him on the back.
"Look!"
"I *am* looking!"
"Not at me," Yamapi said. "Look at the unicorns! They weren't attracted to Jin at all!"
Kame moved round behind the trellis for a better look. Sure enough, the unicorns were not, as he'd first thought, hanging around Jin to play with him. They were, in fact, forming a neat queue to receive the sugarlumps that the young man kept fishing out of his pockets. As each one accepted its snack and a pat on the nose, it returned to the back of the queue.
"You cheated!" Yamapi blurted out as he emerged from the arbour, prompting the unicorns to scatter.
"Cheated? Were we playing some kind of game and you guys didn't tell me?" Jin asked.
"He means you were using sugarlumps to attract the unicorns," Kame explained, sitting beside Jin on the bench and pointing to his pockets.
"Oh." Jin looked sheepish. "I figured if horses liked sugarlumps, maybe unicorns would too so when you were both in the other room I took some from the breakfast table." He fished out a napkin, still half-filled with cubes. "You want one?"
Kame appreciated the gesture, but the nearest dentist was halfway across the kingdom. "Maybe later."
Yamapi was practically seething. How was he supposed to do his duty as Kame's friend and guardian and see him properly married if people weren't going to cooperate? Twice, Jin had thwarted Yamapi's attempts to test him. There was no way to tell if the unicorns had been initially attracted to the young man or the sugar - and now that they'd caught sight of Kame, they weren't going to be coming back any time soon. Unicorns had long memories.
It was awkward, watching Kame chatting happily with Jin. Yamapi wanted Kame to be happy, of course, but what if Jin was just a charming, good-looking idiot who'd lied about his parentage to get himself a room for the night? Wouldn't Kame be heartbroken if he found out?
One last test. And this one, Jin couldn't possibly ruin.
That evening...
"Not a chance," Kame said flatly. "I don't care if it's not fatal, I'm not risking it."
"But it's the only way left," Yamapi pleaded. "Don't you want to know for certain if Jin's a real prince?"
Kame nodded reluctantly, though privately he felt that it would be much more productive if they just sent a message to Jin's family and asked for verification. "Yeah, but-"
"Don't you like the guy? The two of you spent all day gazing lovingly at each other. I swear I saw little love hearts in the air."
"Yeah, but-"
"Don't you want me to stop nagging you about getting married?"
"Definitely!"
"Then you'll do it. Good. I'll call the wizard. Wait here."
The prince lay on his bed and looked up at the ceiling, wondering if it was the last time he'd ever see it. Yamapi's plan, while it wouldn't kill him, would certainly cause him major inconvenience if Jin turned out not to be a prince after all. They'd have to call in some royal from a neighbouring kingdom and wait for him (or her) to arrive before Kame could resume his life.
Because only the kiss of a member of a royal family can wake a person from an enchanted sleep...
"He doesn't look like he's been poisoned," the wizard Ueda said, peering down at Kame. "Why does he want to be put to sleep?"
Yamapi considered all the possible explanations he could give Ueda, their nearest neighbour and a mysterious-yet-totally-unthreatening wizard, and settled on the simplest. "Boyfriend trouble," he said.
"Ah." Ueda nodded sagely. "Don't worry, it'll all be over by the time someone wakes you up," he assured Kame. "He'll probably get himself killed trying to slay a dragon or something, and you won't have to put up with him anymore."
Kame's mouth dropped open in disbelief, providing Ueda with the perfect opportunity to pour a potion down his throat. Ten seconds after he swallowed, Kame was out like a light, immersed in a dreamless sleep.
Yamapi handed over the fee, making sure to collect a receipt in case anything went wrong, and escorted Ueda out. Now for the tough part. Jin had agreed to stay another night but insisted that he really had to go try to catch up to his brother the next day.
He hadn't been insisting particularly hard, though. After the unfortunate unicorn incident he'd spent most of the day wandering around the castle with Kame, marvelling at every nook and cranny. Yamapi had done his best to play chaperone but they kept losing him with the secret passages, darting into dead ends and reappearing in odd corners, laughing all the while like a couple of kids.
Persuading Jin to kiss Kame, Yamapi thought, would not be difficult. Explaining why Kame was in an enchanted sleep...well, that might be.
"Are you sure it's an enchanted sleep?" Jin asked warily as Yamapi pushed him down the corridor to Kame's room. "How do you know it's not just regular sleep?"
"Because the evil wizard who cast the spell told me so," Yamapi said, proud of the explanation he'd concocted on the spot. And why not get in a bit of matchmaking while he was at it? Jin would never know he was lying. "He said only the kiss of the person truly destined for Kame would wake him...um, before he laughed villainously and vanished in a puff of smoke."
Luckily, Jin was still half-asleep, so he accepted the explanation without question. (And even if he'd been fully awake, he'd still have accepted it. After seeing the unicorns, he was prepared to believe *anything*.) He wasn't sure what good it would do to go see Kame, though. "Shouldn't we be tracking down the evil wizard or something?"
"No," Yamapi said firmly. "You leave that to me." The last thing he wanted was to annoy Ueda by letting Jin go after him - getting on the bad side of the neighbourhood wizard, no matter how placid his normal state, was a shortcut to the grave.
"If you're sure..." Jin didn't sound all that broken up about it, but who'd get enthusiastic about going out to chase wizards at two in the morning? "So you're getting everyone in the castle to try to wake Kame?"
Yamapi nearly retched at the thought of all their crotchety old retainers (and the occasional young one) getting anywhere near the prince. "Of course! But you're a guest, so you should go first."
Whether or not Jin was destined for Kame was immaterial - this was the test that would prove, once and for all, if their unexpected guest was really a prince. Either Kame would wake up, in which case Yamapi would give them his blessing and start arranging the wedding, or he'd remain asleep, in which case Yamapi would kick Jin out (but only once the sun was up, because he wasn't heartless) and call in their nearest royal neighbour.
Jin paused just outside Kame's bedroom door, rubbed his eyes a couple of times, and looked uncertainly at Yamapi. "What happens if I manage to wake him up?"
For the first time since Jin had arrived, Yamapi allowed himself to see things from the other man's point of view. The scenario he'd concocted didn't give Jin much of a say in the matter. "That's for the two of you to decide," he said kindly. "But it's a good thing you like this castle."
Jin discreetly crossed his fingers and hoped like crazy that he'd be the one to wake Kame, because he really couldn't imagine anyone else in Castle Kamelot (except Yamapi) being destined to spend the rest of their lives with him. In fact, he found the idea quite objectionable. He hadn't had much experience with jealousy before - coveting one of Miroku's guitars was about the extent of it - but he was pretty sure that was how he was feeling now. Jealous. What if he couldn't wake Kame?
Despite Kame's ordeal at the hands of a so-called evil wizard, he didn't appear to be any the worse for wear. His sleep seemed natural, restful, free from nightmares. The only sign, if one could call it that, that there was something untoward about the situation, was a faint scent of roses that hung around the room, growing stronger as Jin approached the bed.
"Go on," Yamapi encouraged him. "The spell can't harm you."
"It's not the spell I'm worried about." Jin was keeping a careful eye on Koki the sheep, who was all poised to defend his sleeping master from any unwanted attentions.
Yamapi shooed Koki out the door, ushering out Nekomaru the cat and Junno the dog while he was at it. Kame did have a knack for finding himself cute pets. Fortunately, Tegoshi the duckling was happily doing laps in the bathtub, as Kame wasn't keen on finding random feathers in his bed.
"And?" Jin asked, hands on hips.
"Ryo-chan the goldfish can't possibly attack you," Yamapi said. Under no circumstances was he going to lift the fishtank.
Jin pointed at Yamapi's chest. "I meant you. If you're not going to go, can you at least turn round?"
"Embarrassed?"
Jin's manner indicated very clearly that he was, but determined not to let anyone else see. "Maybe a little. I'm not used to kissing with an audience."
"Or at all?" Yamapi speculated, and knew he'd guessed right when colour flooded Jin's cheeks. "If it helps, Kame probably doesn't have much more experience than you do. We're not exactly blessed with company out here."
He wanted to watch - not that he thought there was any way that Jin could cheat, this time, though it never hurt to be sure - but turned his back anyway. First kisses were awkward enough without having a guardian hovering over you, and assuming Kame woke up, this one was going to be more than memorable enough for both of them.
Finally, Jin had something approaching privacy. His older brother didn't seem to mind making out in public (he always said he and Ryu were "fighting", but you didn't have to be a genius to know what was really going on), but Jin preferred not to have all those eyes watching him. Not that he was completely free from observation - the psychotic little goldfish was glaring at him like he'd just stolen its fishflakes - but close enough.
As one who appreciated the value of sleep and never quite managed to get enough of it, Jin was almost reluctant to wake someone resting so peacefully. Kame was still fully dressed, not wearing the fuzzy sheep pyjamas he'd had on that morning, and lying with one hand dangling off the bed. Jin tucked the wayward hand next to its owner, then thought perhaps he should put a pillow over it in case he got slapped.
He decided to risk it. What were the chances he'd be able to wake Kame up, anyway? Even if the wizard *had* told the truth about breaking the spell, which was probably a lie because why should an evil wizard tell the truth?
Jin took a deep, steadying breath and leant over the bed, trying to ignore Yamapi's presence in the room. He brushed his lips lightly against Kame's, not daring to press too hard, not dreaming for a second that it might actually work. It was probably all some elaborate prank they'd devised for their own entertainment - and living in such an isolated location, he couldn't blame them for making their own fun.
At first, nothing happened. Jin drew back a few millimetres and held his breath, poised over Kame's motionless form, silently counting the seconds.
One, two, three, four...
On five, Kame's eyelids fluttered open. Jin jerked back in surprise - which was just as well, since Kame's first impulse was to sit up and if Jin hadn't moved, they'd have cracked their heads together.
Yamapi, who, his back still turned, was watching out of the corner of his eye using the giant hanging mirror, breathed a sigh of relief - and promptly panicked when he realised he hadn't bothered to tell Kame the story he'd given Jin.
Luckily, this didn't matter, as neither party was all that interested in talking.
"I knew you were really a-" was as far as Kame got before Jin moved in for a second kiss. (The success of his first had been extremely encouraging.)
By the time they broke for air, Kame had happily abandoned his sentence and Jin was contemplating how to break the news to his parents that he was finally moving out.
Overjoyed that he could finally keep his promise to Kame's parents, Yamapi shed a couple of heartfelt-but-manly tears, wiped them away with the back of his hand, and gave Kame a nod of approval. "If anyone needs me I'll be posting the banners."
"I think we can manage from here," Kame assured him.
Yamapi fervently hoped that Kame had been paying attention during all those safe sex lectures...particularly since to get around the small problem of providing an heir with an all-male couple, he'd asked Ueda for an additional spell (at an extortionate price, naturally) that could be slipped conveniently into, say, a cup of coffee. As soon as the wedding was over, he intended to put it in their drinks.
Nine months later, he'd know if Kame had paid attention or not.
----- owari -----
Fandom: KAT-TUN
Pairing: Akame
Rating: PG
Genre: Humour, AU, crack, twisted fairy tale
Word count: Approx. 7,100
Disclaimer: Not mine, damnit.
Summary: Yamapi promised Kame's parents he'd see their son happily married off to a princess by his twenty-first birthday. Kame's twenty-one already, and sick of pretending to court princesses. When Jin turns up on the doorstep of Castle Kamelot, seeking shelter on the night of the worst storm in history and claiming to be a prince, Kame thinks he's found the solution to his problem. Yamapi's not so sure, and he can't possibly give his approval to the match until he tests Jin...
Author's Notes:
It's time to give another fairytale the Akame twist! In case the title didn't give it away, this is a sort of extended Akame remix of 'The Princess and the Pea', guest-starring Yamapi as Kame's guardian and the rest of KAT-TUN (and some members of NewS) in various guises. (Three guesses who makes a cameo as the local wizard.)
I'm pretty sure this won't be necessary for anyone, but just in case, here's a guide to the drama references:
Shuji = Kame's character in Nobuta wo Produce
Akira = Yamapi's character in Nobuta wo Produce
Hayato = Jin's character in Gokusen 2
Ryu = Kame's character in Gokusen 2
Akihiko (Kurosawa) = Jin's character in Anego
Naoko = Jin's love interest in Anego
Miroku = Jin's character in Yukan Club (which is where the 369 reference comes from)
Please bear in mind that in fairy tales, things like love at first sight and happy ever after happen all the time, so don't be expecting anything in the way of depth here...
The Princes and the Pi
The small kingdom of Nobuta, ruled over by the widowed King Shuji, was experiencing a period of unusual unrest. His Majesty had been spending more and more time with his neighbour across the water, King Akira, and thus his only son and heir, the Prince Kame, had been entrusted to the care of his friend and guardian, Yamapi. This had been all very well when the prince was a mere lad of fifteen (and Yamapi at the grand old age of sixteen), but now that the prince was twenty-one and a man in his own right, things were not so peaceful between them. There was one issue on which these two friends were not in accord, and it was beginning to affect their daily routine.
Dinner had been served at Castle Kamelot: an enormous roast chicken with all the trimmings and a side order of disappointment, topped off with a simmering sauce of resentment and ire. The food, as usual, was excellent. The conversation, alas, left much to be desired.
"You're too picky," Yamapi complained through a mouthful of potatoes. "I swore to your father on your poor dead mother's grave that I'd have you married off to a beautiful princess by your twenty-first birthday."
Kame smirked and popped open a beer, earning himself a disapproving glare from Yamapi - not because he was drinking alcohol, but because it was the last one on the table and they had to send a servant back to the kitchen to resupply. "I'm almost twenty-two - you're not doing a very good job of it, are you?"
"It's not my fault you keep turning them all down," the other man sulked. "If you weren't so fussy you could have children by now."
Kame had to admit, having children around the castle would improve the atmosphere considerably. Castle Kamelot, named in his honour, was a drafty (though not that old) building, maintained by a never-ending round of construction work and inhabited by more retired craftsmen, doddering servants and loathsome busybodies than anywhere else in the kingdom. That this particular night was playing host to the worst storm in recorded history did not help matters.
"Just look at your reports," Yamapi continued, pulling out a sheaf of papers and using the drumstick in his hand to highlight the relevant parts. "The princess you went to visit last week. I asked for your opinion and you drew a stick figure!"
Kame shrugged. "She was a flat, skinny thing with no meat on her at all. I don't want to marry myself, thanks." As an afterthought, he added, "Besides, you're much more impressive in the chest department than she was."
Yamapi preened for a moment, pleased that the prince finally seemed to be acknowledging how beneficial regular work-outs at the castle gym could be, then remembered he was supposed to be delivering a lecture. "How about this one? You can't tell me she wasn't pretty enough for you. How can you beat a princess who models lingerie in between organising charity events?"
"She was tone-deaf," Kame explained. "She tried to sing me a welcome song and a pair of sparrows fell out of a tree, stone dead."
"Coincidence!"
"I thought so too, until I noticed all the plants were withering up. She killed a thousand year-old oak tree with her voice, Yamapi. I left after five minutes."
"I guess it might've been the safest thing to do," Yamapi begrudged him. "But we're running out of princesses, Kame. Most of them are already married. You can't afford to be choosy anymore. Yesterday's candidate left here in tears and she had a voice like an angel."
The prince swallowed hard - a lump of chicken had got caught in his throat - and tried to explain to his guardian why he'd turned down a beautiful, talented, sweet, innocent and kind girl and sent her fleeing from the castle as though the dogs were at her heels. (Which they weren't, because they were out back getting some exercise.)
"Um..." he began.
Yamapi gave him an encouraging look and another beer, just in case.
"I...uh..."
"Yes?"
"I...um...told her I wasn't interested in girls."
Yamapi's eyes went wide. "You couldn't find a good reason to turn her down so you lied to her? Kame, you're a prince! You're supposed to let your ministers lie for you!"
Kame blushed as red as his dyed coppery hair. "It wasn't a lie," he mumbled.
"Oh." Yamapi set down his drumstick, in such a state of shock that he forgot all about food. Five minutes later he said, "Yeah, okay. I can deal with that." He balled up his list of princesses and tossed it in the bin that one of the servants kindly held up for him; everyone applauded politely when he sank the shot from across the room. "So what *are* you interested in?" he asked the prince. "I promised to get you married, after all."
The dining room fell silent and Koki, Kame's pet sheep, backed away nervously from his comfortable position at his master's feet. The gold jewellery draped round his fleece jangled as he moved.
Kame took hold of the largest of the chains and gently coaxed his pet back to his side. "Men, okay? I like men."
This had the immediate effect of making all the male servants take two steps back - aside from one handsome young fellow by the name of Kusano, who gave the prince a hopeful grin. Kame caught the look and shook his head apologetically.
Five minutes and a flood of tears later, Kame and Yamapi were alone in the dining room, food long-forgotten. Without the bustle of the servants to cover it, the storm's rage split the night, cracks of thunder punctuating every other sentence and an endless waterfall of rain providing a dramatic backdrop for the conversation.
Despite this, Yamapi was quite cheerful. "There are plenty of eligible princes around," he said, scrawling some down on a fresh piece of paper. "Second, third and fourth sons. Maybe we can hold an open day or something, invite them all over and offer them the chance of getting out of the church or the military. What's your type?"
The prospect of starting all over again didn't hold much appeal for Kame. He was getting fed up of going on visits, or having to play host, and spending all his time trying to figure out how to pay court against his will without actually doing anything. He was under no illusions about his fellow princes, either. All the decent ones were probably taken, leaving just the vacuous, the mean-spirited or the dull. But at least there was the possibility that he might find them physically attractive, which was more than could be said for the princesses.
Why did he have to go through the whole ridiculous process for the second time?
Why couldn't the perfect prince just appear on his doorstep?
Just as Kame was about to voice his complaints to Yamapi, a thunderous crash at the door made them both jump. This tended to happen a lot, since the doorbell had been broken for months and visitors were forced to use the heavy gold knocker. As the object in question was occasionally employed by the residents for weight training, the noise generated by its normal use was tremendous.
"What idiot would be out on a night like this?" Yamapi wondered as he and Kame made their way to the front hall to spy on the intruder, completely forgetting that only a fortnight ago he'd been out in almost as inclement weather on a quest for his favourite ice cream.
"A strong one, if he can use the doorknocker," Kame pointed out. He wasn't expecting much. They didn't get that many unexpected callers and those that did venture to knock usually turned out to be incredibly persistent magazine salesmen. Consequently, Kame owned more issues of Myojo than any teenage girl in the kingdom.
However much strength the stranger possessed, he seemed to be at the end of it. Kame and Yamapi hid behind the curtains while their elderly doorman, with some effort, swung the door open to reveal a soaking, bedraggled man wrapped in a sodden black cloak. He looked utterly exhausted.
The doorman looked on disdainfully as the stranger fell to his knees, landing half on the welcome mat and thus preventing the door from being closed on him. He muttered a plea, realised he couldn't be heard and drew back his hood to try again.
Kame smothered a gasp and whispered to Yamapi, "You asked what my type was? *That* is my type."
Yamapi had to admit, once the stranger's face, framed by dark, dripping hair, was exposed to the light of the hall, it actually wasn't bad to look at. Not that it mattered. It wouldn't do to let Kame come in contact with an unsuitable young man, never mind his looks.
"Please," the stranger rasped out. "Please let me stay here tonight."
The doorman gave Yamapi a sideways glance, silently asking him what should be done. Yamapi sighed and prepared to give him the thumbs-down, but Kame jabbed him in the ribs.
"Let him stay," Kame murmured. "If he gets sick and dies, you'll be responsible."
"I can't let him in," Yamapi muttered back. "Your father won't approve. You might decide you like that handsome face of his too much and run away with him in the middle of the night."
"In *this* weather?"
Seeing that his welcome wasn't warming up any, the stranger tried another tactic. "I can pay?" he offered. "I'm not carrying any money on me but if you send to my father he'll take care of it."
"No money?" Yamapi queried as he stepped out from behind the curtains.
The young man grinned awkwardly. "My teacher always told me: royalty should never carry cash. He wouldn't let me leave the palace without checking me over for small change."
Royalty? Yamapi was dubious.
Kame wasn't. "Are you a prince too?" he asked, elbowing past Yamapi and offering the stranger a hand up.
"Too?" he repeated.
Yamapi pushed Kame aside and left the doorman to assist their unexpected visitor. "This is His Highness, Prince Kame, son of King Shuji of Nobuta."
"Oh. Oh!" The stranger's eyes expanded to the size of saucers. "So *you're* that Prince Kame. One of my brothers keeps telling me you look like his boyfriend, but I don't see the resemblance. You don't have a cousin Ryu, do you?"
Kame struggled to remember the more distant branches of his family tree. "Second cousin once removed, I think..."
"Never mind his cousins," Yamapi interrupted hastily, not wanting Kame to engage their visitor in conversation any more than necessary until they knew for sure who he was. "What about you?"
"I don't have any cousins. How about you?"
"I've got three," Yamapi began, then slapped himself on the forehead when he realised what he was saying. "Forget the relatives, I just want to know who you are."
"Couldn't I dry off a little before we do introductions?"
Yamapi felt himself slightly swayed by the pitiful, drowned-rat figure that the other man cut, but snapped out of it in a hurry. He owed it to King Shuji not to let his son consort with riff-raff. "You have to tell us who you are and where you come from before we can let you in," he said. "Local custom."
Kame, who was busy directing servants to fetch towels and dry clothing, looked askance at this. "What local custom?"
The stranger, shivering heavily and surreptitiously edging himself further through the door, didn't notice. "I'm Jin, second son of King Akihiko and Queen Naoko of the kingdom of Anego."
Hmm. Yamapi favoured him with as suspicious a glare as he could, though the effect was completely lost on Jin as he was staring at the carpet. "Long way from home, aren't you?"
Jin sneezed pathetically and wrapped his arms around himself for warmth. "I...uh...I was on a motorbike tour of the Three Hundred and Sixty-Nine Kingdoms with my younger brother, Miroku, when I kind of...had a bit of an accident."
Jin's story, Yamapi decided, had a very faint ring of truth to it. He'd heard of the family, at least - the eldest, Prince Hayato, was a notorious troublemaker and it had been rumoured for years that his father might disinherit him in favour of one of the two younger sons. The youngest, Miroku, spent most of his time out on his motorbike, and nobody knew much about Jin, the middle son, beyond the fact that he had a beautiful singing voice.
"What kind of accident?" Kame asked, concerned. "Are you hurt?"
Jin rubbed his nose and met Kame's eyes, looking embarrassed. "Nah. I...um...accidentally insulted his helmet - which is really stupid-looking, by the way - and when I woke up this morning I was all by myself, in the middle of nowhere, without my bike. The jerk took all my gear with him too. He probably figured on letting me stew for a while, then sending someone back to "rescue" me."
The story didn't exactly touch Kame's heart, nor did it make him feel over-awed by Jin's intellect...but he did look cute when he was embarrassed, didn't he? "Don't you think that maybe you should've stayed where he left you, then?" Kame asked.
"Couldn't let him have things all his own way, could I? Besides, it started raining, and I couldn't find any shelter so I just kept walking. You're the first people I've seen in ages - this kingdom of yours is kind of empty, isn't it?"
"We're on the outskirts," Kame informed him coldly.
Under Kame and Yamapi's measuring gazes, Jin contrived to look as helpless and appealing as possible. It wasn't hard. "He took my map, too. I didn't even know I was in your kingdom," he said apologetically. "Now you know who I am, can I *please* come in? I won't cause any trouble. I just need a dry place to sleep and I'll be on my way in the morning." He sneezed again, thrice, then added a touch of pity-me-or-feel-guilty charm to his voice and said, "If I haven't caught my death of cold by then, anyway."
Yamapi made up his mind. Even if Jin was lying about his identity, there was no way they could throw him back out in the rain. It wasn't worth the guilt, and it might be nice to have some company in their own age range for a change.
Besides, if Yamapi had Jin under his roof, he could test him. There were, after all, proven methods for finding out for certain whether or not a man was a prince, and Yamapi knew them all. He would secretly check Jin's status and if he turned out to be genuine, Yamapi would feel confident in giving his approval to Kame.
Kame caught his guardian's eye and smiled hopefully. Yamapi nodded and stood back to let the servants take care of the new arrival.
Three hours later...
Jin cleaned up really nicely, Kame decided - whether he was a prince or not. A hot bath, hairdryer and fresh clothing had worked miracles on the water-logged young man, and he'd even stopped sneezing.
"This castle's amazing," Jin raved in between (and sometimes during) mouthfuls of rice. Having had their dinner interrupted, Kame and Yamapi had decided some late-night snacking was in order just as soon as Jin was fit for company and Cook had outdone herself. "There's all these neat little nooks and stuff, like in a story. My home's all modern and bland, but this place has character!"
Kame tried to imagine his dark and drafty home through Jin's eyes. He supposed it could be kind of fascinating, if you didn't live there and had never had the joys of having reams of purple damask falling on you as you paced the grey stone corridors, or of having the electric lights go out at the most awkward moments, like when you were shaving. He'd turned up to the breakfast table one morning with what he liked to think was designer stubble, and Yamapi had almost had a heart attack.
"It was my dad's present to me," Kame said. "He asked me what I wanted for my tenth birthday, and I was really into these collectible model castles at the time. I didn't expect him to order a real one built."
Jin was suitably impressed. He demonstrated this by remaining shiny-eyed and sparkly while he tucked into his pudding with much gusto. Kame, inspired, attacked an enormous slice of chocolate cake, keeping his eyes firmly fixed on Jin all the while. The other man could give Yamapi a run for his money in the eating department, that was clear. He had a nice figure, Kame thought - taller than Kame, but with enough weight on him not to seem lanky.
He was obviously no genius, but Kame wasn't looking for someone to help him with the daily crossword puzzle anyway. (Yamapi's attempts, more often than not, resulted in the newspaper being shredded by excessive erasing.) He was, however, pleasant to be around - quiet, initially, but he'd settled down soon enough and by the time the food arrived he'd brightened up considerably.
Kame approved. Whether or not Yamapi did, he couldn't tell.
Eventually it was time for bed, and both men escorted Jin to his room. "Sorry, it's the only guest room in the castle that isn't being worked on right now," Yamapi apologised. "The bed's a little weird, but you'll be okay."
When he saw the room that had been prepared, Kame was about to protest that wait a minute, there were plenty of other guest rooms, but Yamapi stepped on his foot to keep him quiet.
Jin's eager smile vanished abruptly the instant he walked through the door, though he tried to be graceful. "It's really nice of you to lend me a room but isn't the bed a bit...um...high? There must be at least ten mattresses on that thing!"
"Twenty," Yamapi assured him. "For health reasons."
"Health reasons!" Jin squawked. If anything, the bed was going to be hazardous to his health. He was used to sleeping on unorthodox beds - one didn't go on a bike tour with a four-poster, after all - but this was the first one where having a restless night could kill him.
"The air's better up there," Yamapi said, as if that explained everything.
Kame wasn't inclined to believe him. The bedroom had the highest ceiling in the castle - one of their previous guests had been claustrophobic - and mattresses formed a lofty tower for as far as the eye could see.
"Here." Yamapi propelled Jin towards a ladder that hung down from a rail around the top. "Use this."
"What if he rolls over in his sleep?" Kame protested as soon as he and Yamapi had left their bewildered guest to his ascent. "He'll kill himself! And there was only one mattress in that room, last time I checked, so where did the other nineteen come from?"
Yamapi beamed at him, oblivious to his anger. "Don't worry, I thought about that and had them put a barrier round the top when they built the rest of the bed. He'll be fine."
Kame successfully resisted the temptation to grab his guardian by the lapels of his black leather jacket and shake an answer out of him. "But why put Jin on twenty mattresses in the first place?"
"Because," Yamapi looked prouder of himself than ever, "then we'll be able to find out if he really is a prince."
"You mean, when his family come to claim the body and King Akihiko complains that we killed his middle son?"
"Nope. It's a test, Kame. I put a pea underneath the bottom mattress. If he's really a prince, he'll be so delicate that he'll feel it through all twenty, and not be able to sleep at all."
Kame snorted. "I sleep with stuff under my mattress all the time and it doesn't bother me a bit." He had to stash his Playgirl collection somewhere, after all.
"You just have stupidly-high pain tolerance levels," Yamapi muttered, and stalked off to bed before Kame could poke any more holes in his masterplan.
Three hours later...
Kame felt it was his duty, as host, to check on the welfare of his guest. At least, that's what he would've answered if anyone had caught him sneaking into Jin's room with a torch in the early hours of the morning. Luckily, there was no one around to see. In reality, he wanted to see if Yamapi was right, if Jin really was spending a sleepless night at the top of his tower.
But no, Jin was sleeping so heavily that he didn't even notice Kame appearing at the top of the ladder. When Kame poked him experimentally, he merely sighed and rolled over, ending up on his back.
Kame watched him sleep for a moment. There was no reason Jin shouldn't be a prince, and it was obvious that the test was fallible, but Yamapi wouldn't see it that way. Who would it hurt if Kame were to arrange matters to suit himself?
Naturally, he couldn't just wake the slumbering man. He would have to ensure that when Yamapi questioned him in the morning, Jin's lack of sleep was attributed to a lump in his bed.
Kame knew just the thing. The castle cook excelled at everything she tried - except chocolate coconut crunchies. The small, spherical cookies, when made by anyone else, were a tasty treat. When created by Cook, however...broken teeth were the *least* of the worries involved. A chunk of granite felt like marshmallow in comparison.
And it just so happened that Cook's latest efforts had been part of the oversized snack collection produced upon Jin's arrival. Kame and Yamapi had wisely avoided them; Jin had eyed them curiously but done the same. It was the work of a few minutes for Kame to return to Jin's bedroom with one (and another few minutes to make his way back up the ladder). He carefully slipped the cookie between two of the many sheets, secure in the knowledge that even Jin's body weight was unlikely to be able to crush it, then poked him to make him roll over.
Obligingly, Jin scrunched up his face in an adorable fashion and turned, rolling onto the hidden snack. Kame barely remembered to duck in time as one of Jin's hands flailed in his direction. He waited long enough for the other man to shift awkwardly in his sleep, unconsciously trying to find a comfortable position, before returning to the warmth of his own bed.
The next morning...
"How'd you sleep?" were the first words out of Yamapi's mouth when a servant escorted Jin to the breakfast table.
Jin blinked and rubbed sleep from his eyes, throwing himself down on the nearest chair. "Good morning to you too."
"Yeah." Yamapi remembered his manners. "Good morning. How'd you sleep?"
There was a long pause as Jin tried various expressions in an effort not to offend his hosts unduly, ending up with a pained little half-smile that partially bared his teeth. "Not that great, actually."
Yamapi did his best to sound concerned, not intrigued, but failed miserably. Subtlety was never his strong point. "Really?"
Behind his cup, Kame allowed himself a victorious grin.
"Yeah." Jin took a few nourishing sips of coffee. "I started off fine, then I must've dislodged a spring or something 'cause I had something really uncomfortable digging into my back. It was too dark to check, and I didn't want to risk climbing down to find the light switch."
"That sounds terrible," Kame said with false gravity. "Did you manage to sleep at all after that?"
Jin brightened. "Oh sure, I just curled round the other way. It's a really big mattress."
Yamapi and Kame both groaned, for two different reasons, and Jin looked down warily at his breakfast in case they'd both contracted food poisoning and he was next in line.
"Doesn't prove anything," Yamapi hissed at Kame, using a slice of toast as a shield.
"Then try another test," Kame muttered back from behind his cup.
Thinking they were asking him to pass the toast, Jin handed the plate down the table. Unfortunately, Koki the sheep was also in the mood for breakfast, and in an unexpected and completely uncharacteristic move, butted against Jin's knees. Jin yelped and dropped the plate, which knocked over his coffee, swamping his free hand with the hot liquid.
Yamapi seized on the opportunity at once. "You're burned!" he exclaimed. "You'd better stay another day. We couldn't possibly let you leave in that condition."
"Huh?"
Before Jin could utter anything further, Kame had him covered in Lidocaine. (In his haste, he'd accidentally spilled the bottle not just on Jin's hand, but the rest of him as well.)
"I'll be fine," he protested weakly. "It wasn't even that hot anymore. I'll just sit here a while with this blue stuff on and I'll be okay to go."
"Don't be an idiot," Kame told him, mentally thanking his pet for the favour. "We'd be terrible hosts if we let you leave like this."
"What part of being a good host involves calling someone an idiot?" Jin wondered.
Yamapi ignored him. "You should take it easy today," he told Jin firmly. "Why don't you go take a stroll in the castle gardens, now that the rain's stopped? If you go right down to the rose garden, you'll meet the unicorns."
*That* caught Jin's attention. "Unicorns?"
The other man nodded solemnly. "Yep, unicorns. There's a couple that come play here sometimes. I bet they'll show themselves for you."
Jin had never seen a unicorn outside of a storybook. His home kingdom was thoroughly modern, all efficiency and sweeping elegance, and magical creatures of all sorts gave it a wide berth. To his shame, they didn't even have a court wizard. But somehow, it wasn't unthinkable that he could meet unicorns here, in this grey stone castle with its unusual occupants. During those comfortable hours of sleep last night, he'd dreamt of Kame, a smiling redhead watching him with warm eyes, and wondered if Kame had dreamt of him too.
Unbeknownst to Jin, he had indeed featured in Kame's dreams, though they involved nothing as innocent as mere watching and Yamapi would've had a fit if he'd been able to tune into his charge's mind. (A fit, or possibly a request for a threesome.)
Kame had to go into the next room to hide his laughter, lest Jin suspect that something was amiss, and when Yamapi caught up to him he was doubled up in front of the fireplace, clutching his ribs.
"What?"
"Unicorns?" Kame gasped out. "In our gardens? I thought you were going to test Jin, not send him out on a wild-goose chase."
Yamapi glared at him. "It just so happens that unicorns only flock to royalty," he said haughtily. "They won't go near the rest of us. They have keen noses that can tell the difference."
"What about me? I've been in that garden hundreds of times and I've never seen a unicorn!" Kame protested.
"You have, you just don't remember. I don't remember either, actually, but we've got video footage around somewhere. All the local unicorns are too traumatised to get anywhere near you."
"Why?" Kame asked. "What did I ever do to them?"
"I've got a better question for you. How did you get to be an expert pole-dancer at age four?"
So much for that. Kame blushed and offered up a silent apology to the unfortunate unicorns, then went to wash all the Lidocaine off his hands.
Out in the gardens...
Kame watched in amazement as not one, not two, but an entire family of unicorns, right down to a tiny foal with nothing but a stub, surrounded Jin as he rested on a bench at the bottom of the rose garden. Out of necessity, Kame and Yamapi were hiding in the arbour. If Kame let the unicorns catch so much as a glimpse of him, Yamapi had warned, they'd be gone in a flash.
"I don't believe this."
"Aren't they cute?" Yamapi was cooing over the unicorns. "Look how many of them there are! His family must be more distinguished than I thought."
"So I have your approval?"
"Go right ahead and make your move," Yamapi said happily, "but let me watch the unicorns for a bit longer first. Maybe I should take a picture for your "Uncle" Akira? I bet he'd like them."
Fine. Kame could wait. He worked on his plan of attack - how exactly *did* one say to a fellow prince, "Hey, you're probably never going to inherit in your own kingdom, wanna come join me in mine?" Perhaps the problem pages of his magazines could help.
He'd only gotten as far as mentally asking Jin if he was single when Yamapi rudely interrupted his thoughts by thumping him on the back.
"Look!"
"I *am* looking!"
"Not at me," Yamapi said. "Look at the unicorns! They weren't attracted to Jin at all!"
Kame moved round behind the trellis for a better look. Sure enough, the unicorns were not, as he'd first thought, hanging around Jin to play with him. They were, in fact, forming a neat queue to receive the sugarlumps that the young man kept fishing out of his pockets. As each one accepted its snack and a pat on the nose, it returned to the back of the queue.
"You cheated!" Yamapi blurted out as he emerged from the arbour, prompting the unicorns to scatter.
"Cheated? Were we playing some kind of game and you guys didn't tell me?" Jin asked.
"He means you were using sugarlumps to attract the unicorns," Kame explained, sitting beside Jin on the bench and pointing to his pockets.
"Oh." Jin looked sheepish. "I figured if horses liked sugarlumps, maybe unicorns would too so when you were both in the other room I took some from the breakfast table." He fished out a napkin, still half-filled with cubes. "You want one?"
Kame appreciated the gesture, but the nearest dentist was halfway across the kingdom. "Maybe later."
Yamapi was practically seething. How was he supposed to do his duty as Kame's friend and guardian and see him properly married if people weren't going to cooperate? Twice, Jin had thwarted Yamapi's attempts to test him. There was no way to tell if the unicorns had been initially attracted to the young man or the sugar - and now that they'd caught sight of Kame, they weren't going to be coming back any time soon. Unicorns had long memories.
It was awkward, watching Kame chatting happily with Jin. Yamapi wanted Kame to be happy, of course, but what if Jin was just a charming, good-looking idiot who'd lied about his parentage to get himself a room for the night? Wouldn't Kame be heartbroken if he found out?
One last test. And this one, Jin couldn't possibly ruin.
That evening...
"Not a chance," Kame said flatly. "I don't care if it's not fatal, I'm not risking it."
"But it's the only way left," Yamapi pleaded. "Don't you want to know for certain if Jin's a real prince?"
Kame nodded reluctantly, though privately he felt that it would be much more productive if they just sent a message to Jin's family and asked for verification. "Yeah, but-"
"Don't you like the guy? The two of you spent all day gazing lovingly at each other. I swear I saw little love hearts in the air."
"Yeah, but-"
"Don't you want me to stop nagging you about getting married?"
"Definitely!"
"Then you'll do it. Good. I'll call the wizard. Wait here."
The prince lay on his bed and looked up at the ceiling, wondering if it was the last time he'd ever see it. Yamapi's plan, while it wouldn't kill him, would certainly cause him major inconvenience if Jin turned out not to be a prince after all. They'd have to call in some royal from a neighbouring kingdom and wait for him (or her) to arrive before Kame could resume his life.
Because only the kiss of a member of a royal family can wake a person from an enchanted sleep...
"He doesn't look like he's been poisoned," the wizard Ueda said, peering down at Kame. "Why does he want to be put to sleep?"
Yamapi considered all the possible explanations he could give Ueda, their nearest neighbour and a mysterious-yet-totally-unthreatening wizard, and settled on the simplest. "Boyfriend trouble," he said.
"Ah." Ueda nodded sagely. "Don't worry, it'll all be over by the time someone wakes you up," he assured Kame. "He'll probably get himself killed trying to slay a dragon or something, and you won't have to put up with him anymore."
Kame's mouth dropped open in disbelief, providing Ueda with the perfect opportunity to pour a potion down his throat. Ten seconds after he swallowed, Kame was out like a light, immersed in a dreamless sleep.
Yamapi handed over the fee, making sure to collect a receipt in case anything went wrong, and escorted Ueda out. Now for the tough part. Jin had agreed to stay another night but insisted that he really had to go try to catch up to his brother the next day.
He hadn't been insisting particularly hard, though. After the unfortunate unicorn incident he'd spent most of the day wandering around the castle with Kame, marvelling at every nook and cranny. Yamapi had done his best to play chaperone but they kept losing him with the secret passages, darting into dead ends and reappearing in odd corners, laughing all the while like a couple of kids.
Persuading Jin to kiss Kame, Yamapi thought, would not be difficult. Explaining why Kame was in an enchanted sleep...well, that might be.
"Are you sure it's an enchanted sleep?" Jin asked warily as Yamapi pushed him down the corridor to Kame's room. "How do you know it's not just regular sleep?"
"Because the evil wizard who cast the spell told me so," Yamapi said, proud of the explanation he'd concocted on the spot. And why not get in a bit of matchmaking while he was at it? Jin would never know he was lying. "He said only the kiss of the person truly destined for Kame would wake him...um, before he laughed villainously and vanished in a puff of smoke."
Luckily, Jin was still half-asleep, so he accepted the explanation without question. (And even if he'd been fully awake, he'd still have accepted it. After seeing the unicorns, he was prepared to believe *anything*.) He wasn't sure what good it would do to go see Kame, though. "Shouldn't we be tracking down the evil wizard or something?"
"No," Yamapi said firmly. "You leave that to me." The last thing he wanted was to annoy Ueda by letting Jin go after him - getting on the bad side of the neighbourhood wizard, no matter how placid his normal state, was a shortcut to the grave.
"If you're sure..." Jin didn't sound all that broken up about it, but who'd get enthusiastic about going out to chase wizards at two in the morning? "So you're getting everyone in the castle to try to wake Kame?"
Yamapi nearly retched at the thought of all their crotchety old retainers (and the occasional young one) getting anywhere near the prince. "Of course! But you're a guest, so you should go first."
Whether or not Jin was destined for Kame was immaterial - this was the test that would prove, once and for all, if their unexpected guest was really a prince. Either Kame would wake up, in which case Yamapi would give them his blessing and start arranging the wedding, or he'd remain asleep, in which case Yamapi would kick Jin out (but only once the sun was up, because he wasn't heartless) and call in their nearest royal neighbour.
Jin paused just outside Kame's bedroom door, rubbed his eyes a couple of times, and looked uncertainly at Yamapi. "What happens if I manage to wake him up?"
For the first time since Jin had arrived, Yamapi allowed himself to see things from the other man's point of view. The scenario he'd concocted didn't give Jin much of a say in the matter. "That's for the two of you to decide," he said kindly. "But it's a good thing you like this castle."
Jin discreetly crossed his fingers and hoped like crazy that he'd be the one to wake Kame, because he really couldn't imagine anyone else in Castle Kamelot (except Yamapi) being destined to spend the rest of their lives with him. In fact, he found the idea quite objectionable. He hadn't had much experience with jealousy before - coveting one of Miroku's guitars was about the extent of it - but he was pretty sure that was how he was feeling now. Jealous. What if he couldn't wake Kame?
Despite Kame's ordeal at the hands of a so-called evil wizard, he didn't appear to be any the worse for wear. His sleep seemed natural, restful, free from nightmares. The only sign, if one could call it that, that there was something untoward about the situation, was a faint scent of roses that hung around the room, growing stronger as Jin approached the bed.
"Go on," Yamapi encouraged him. "The spell can't harm you."
"It's not the spell I'm worried about." Jin was keeping a careful eye on Koki the sheep, who was all poised to defend his sleeping master from any unwanted attentions.
Yamapi shooed Koki out the door, ushering out Nekomaru the cat and Junno the dog while he was at it. Kame did have a knack for finding himself cute pets. Fortunately, Tegoshi the duckling was happily doing laps in the bathtub, as Kame wasn't keen on finding random feathers in his bed.
"And?" Jin asked, hands on hips.
"Ryo-chan the goldfish can't possibly attack you," Yamapi said. Under no circumstances was he going to lift the fishtank.
Jin pointed at Yamapi's chest. "I meant you. If you're not going to go, can you at least turn round?"
"Embarrassed?"
Jin's manner indicated very clearly that he was, but determined not to let anyone else see. "Maybe a little. I'm not used to kissing with an audience."
"Or at all?" Yamapi speculated, and knew he'd guessed right when colour flooded Jin's cheeks. "If it helps, Kame probably doesn't have much more experience than you do. We're not exactly blessed with company out here."
He wanted to watch - not that he thought there was any way that Jin could cheat, this time, though it never hurt to be sure - but turned his back anyway. First kisses were awkward enough without having a guardian hovering over you, and assuming Kame woke up, this one was going to be more than memorable enough for both of them.
Finally, Jin had something approaching privacy. His older brother didn't seem to mind making out in public (he always said he and Ryu were "fighting", but you didn't have to be a genius to know what was really going on), but Jin preferred not to have all those eyes watching him. Not that he was completely free from observation - the psychotic little goldfish was glaring at him like he'd just stolen its fishflakes - but close enough.
As one who appreciated the value of sleep and never quite managed to get enough of it, Jin was almost reluctant to wake someone resting so peacefully. Kame was still fully dressed, not wearing the fuzzy sheep pyjamas he'd had on that morning, and lying with one hand dangling off the bed. Jin tucked the wayward hand next to its owner, then thought perhaps he should put a pillow over it in case he got slapped.
He decided to risk it. What were the chances he'd be able to wake Kame up, anyway? Even if the wizard *had* told the truth about breaking the spell, which was probably a lie because why should an evil wizard tell the truth?
Jin took a deep, steadying breath and leant over the bed, trying to ignore Yamapi's presence in the room. He brushed his lips lightly against Kame's, not daring to press too hard, not dreaming for a second that it might actually work. It was probably all some elaborate prank they'd devised for their own entertainment - and living in such an isolated location, he couldn't blame them for making their own fun.
At first, nothing happened. Jin drew back a few millimetres and held his breath, poised over Kame's motionless form, silently counting the seconds.
One, two, three, four...
On five, Kame's eyelids fluttered open. Jin jerked back in surprise - which was just as well, since Kame's first impulse was to sit up and if Jin hadn't moved, they'd have cracked their heads together.
Yamapi, who, his back still turned, was watching out of the corner of his eye using the giant hanging mirror, breathed a sigh of relief - and promptly panicked when he realised he hadn't bothered to tell Kame the story he'd given Jin.
Luckily, this didn't matter, as neither party was all that interested in talking.
"I knew you were really a-" was as far as Kame got before Jin moved in for a second kiss. (The success of his first had been extremely encouraging.)
By the time they broke for air, Kame had happily abandoned his sentence and Jin was contemplating how to break the news to his parents that he was finally moving out.
Overjoyed that he could finally keep his promise to Kame's parents, Yamapi shed a couple of heartfelt-but-manly tears, wiped them away with the back of his hand, and gave Kame a nod of approval. "If anyone needs me I'll be posting the banners."
"I think we can manage from here," Kame assured him.
Yamapi fervently hoped that Kame had been paying attention during all those safe sex lectures...particularly since to get around the small problem of providing an heir with an all-male couple, he'd asked Ueda for an additional spell (at an extortionate price, naturally) that could be slipped conveniently into, say, a cup of coffee. As soon as the wedding was over, he intended to put it in their drinks.
Nine months later, he'd know if Kame had paid attention or not.
----- owari -----