Russian Roulette (8/16)
Previous Parts: Part One, Part Two, Part Three, Part Four, Part Five, Part Six, Part Seven
Part Eight - Balance
Lisbon stared at Jackson in a stunned silence. He was on one knee and looking up at her with the most hopeful expression she had ever seen on his face. She had only briefly taken the opportunity to look at the ring clasped between his two hands. From what she could see, it was simple and beautiful. If she were to pick out her own engagement ring, it was the kind of thing she would have chosen. However, she still couldn’t bring herself to give him an answer. This was so unexpected that she was still struggling to comprehend that it was happening at all.
A marriage proposal had been virtually the last thing on her mind.
It didn’t matter that they had been in a steady relationship for eighteen months. Nor did it matter that she had moved in with in. She had still found herself patiently waiting for it to go wrong somewhere along the line. Lisbon had never seen herself as having the good fortune of something going right for her. Except for her career, of course, that was the one thing she could always rely upon.
“Can you at least give me an answer, please?” he asked, his voice cracking.
“You cannot be serious,” she whispered in response.
He scrambled up to a standing position, snapping the box shut as he did so. Carefully, he placed a hand on her cheek and smiled weakly. Lisbon stared at her searchingly, trying desperately to work out precisely what was going on in his mind. Jackson seemed disappointed, embarrassed even and justifiably so. Immediately, Lisbon felt the sensation of guilt rushing through her system. She felt like she should have known what was going on when he’d grown more secretive than usual. In a way, she blamed herself for not expecting him to propose sooner or later, instead of always assuming the worst was going to inevitably happen.
Then again, there was no reason for him to feel shame, or at least, not yet. She still hadn’t exactly given him a direct answer to his question. However, when considering what she had said, it was hardly surprising that he was acting so dejectedly. It wasn’t the most promising of answers she could have given him to that very specific question.
“Jack…”
“No, it’s okay, I get it,” he answered back, with a hollow tone.
She shook her head furiously before kissing him with fervor. Jackson responded briefly, but quickly pulled away from her embrace. Lisbon wished that she could disappear in that instant. The only thing that made the situation marginally more bearable was the simple fact that he had had the common sense to ask her to marry him in the privacy of their own home. At least she wasn’t causing a commotion in a public place and embarrassing them both as a consequence.
“I’ve never really thought about marriage before. It’s just…”
Lisbon trailed off lamely. How could she explain just why it had never been something she had actively strived for. So many of her childhood friends had gotten married young and since divorced. She’d watched as other people moved on with their personal life and yet, she had never felt the desire to do so for herself. She knew that it was partially due to the fact she was so career-driven. Her work schedule generally wasn’t conducive to relationships for a start. Then there was the fact that many men found her career too intimidating to be something more than a quick, cheap thrill. The only reason Jackson understood was because he was in the business himself. Then, there were the more deep-rooted issues associated with marriage. Her solitary nature, the premature deaths of her parents, the fear of leaving her theoretical children in the same position as she had been…
“Something you never felt the need to consider?” he eventually finished for her.
She nodded, relieved that he had supplied her with a suitable answer. Gently, he gave her a peck on the cheek before smiling briefly at her again. Now, she felt a strange sense of relief. For an instant, she had believed that her own negativity had destroyed everything they had worked towards. At least now she knew that it was going to be alright.
“It’s okay, Teresa, I understand,” Jackson said as he stroked his left hand up and down her arm reassuringly. “There’s no rush. Just give it some thought, okay?”
“I don’t have to.”
And she meant it. If he could be so understanding about her behavior in such a situation, then she felt like she could trust him with something like this. Lisbon grabbed the lapels of his jacket and quickly pulled him in for another kiss and this time, he returned it eagerly. When they finally parted, she found herself breathing heavily and she couldn’t stop smiling. She wasn’t deliriously happy - not quite - if anything, she was full of mixed emotions. After all, this was a strange new frontier for her; this was something she had never expected to happen to her, of all people.
Now, she had to completely reassess her feelings about the future, because now, she was going to be sharing the rest of her life with somebody else. There were far bigger and more important decisions that had to be made in the future, ones that she could never have dreamed of two years ago. Lisbon had known that her life would change completely when she joined the CBI, but she never imagined it would be like this.
Still, as he slipped the engagement ring over her finger, and whispered that it had belonged to his mother, she couldn’t help but finally feel a sense of peace.
This was the right decision, she told herself. Everything was going to be fine.
xxx
Once Lisbon had come around to the idea of marriage, Red John was surprised at just how eagerly she thrust herself into the position of being a fiancée. Admittedly, he was the one pushing for it more, but she was still more than happy to assist with the preparations whenever possible. It pleased him immeasurably; he enjoyed seeing her so full of life and so content. In a way, it felt like the upcoming wedding had breathed fresh air into both their lives and it was something that was needed.
What surprised him even more than Lisbon’s enthusiasm was his own.
He’d always imagined that, by the time he got to this point in the relationship, he would be ready to kill her. To slice open her throat and watch the life slowly but surely bleed away from her. Red John had been in this position before; he’d wooed women, made them expect a proposal, only to snatch away their lives instead of presenting them with a ring.
Mentally, he had to remind himself that Teresa Lisbon wasn’t any old woman though. In fact, the utter shock at the proposal had been evidence that she had never expected anybody to grow that close to her at all.
Even though he was rushed off of his feet with the preparations for the wedding, he still found the time to murder the girl he had been grooming online. Despite the fact they hadn’t even met in the flesh, she had grown increasingly clingy and increasingly more annoying as a consequence. Red John, naturally, relished in the task in hand; it felt like it was long overdue. Still, he hadn’t been able to do it further. His thoughts about Lisbon had simply stopped him in his tracks.
Naturally, he noticed the repercussions of his latest kill almost immediately. When Lisbon had gotten the call at three a.m. he had rolled over and gone straight back to sleep. Being disturbed in the middle of the night due to her receiving new cases had become routine. Just because he worked a nine to five job within the CBI, it didn’t mean that she did too. However, he didn’t see Lisbon for another twenty-one hours straight; he didn’t even get the opportunity to speak to her in that time. When she finally stumbled into their home, she looked shattered and withdrawn.
“It was Red John,” she muttered sadly and then, a twinge of guilt spasmed through him. “Why does he do it? What’s his motive?”
He enveloped her into a tight hug and didn’t let go for several minutes. Gently, he stroked the back of her head and silently ignored the stray tears that were rolling down her cheeks. He knew that her self-pride would never forgive him if he had dared to point it out. For once, the only things that were on his mind were comforting her, supporting her and making sure she realized that not only was she good at her job, but she was a good person through and through.
“I wish I could answer that for you,” he muttered.
Technically, he could. However, part of him meant that statement wholeheartedly. But, by describing his desperate urge for control and blood and by explaining his motives, he would have been confessing to her, an officer of the law, that he was Red John. Equally though, he didn’t quite know how to explain precisely why he felt the need to behave in the way that he did. And if he couldn’t put it into words himself, then who could? So, pretending not to know the answer wasn’t entirely a white lie. Late at night, when she had finally drifted off into a restless sleep, that was what he told himself and Red John drew a little comfort from that. After all, how else was he meant to settle his soul?
Slowly, she managed to pull herself back together again. Once she had put the Red John case to rest for now and closed a couple of other key cases instead, he found himself almost bursting with pride. It did a wonderful job at rebuilding her battered confidence. Every time he killed, Lisbon always punished herself for not succeeding in apprehending the ‘monster’ that was Red John. As Minelli had stressed the importance of the Red John case to her repeatedly, Lisbon had grown all the more fixated on it. Despite making other big busts, she thought of it as her career-maker. The one which would mean she would garner the utmost respect of her co-workers.
And it would have been so easy for him to give her that all-important lead. Or to simply stop killing.
But then, the devil on his shoulder continually said otherwise.
In time, the wedding was back on track. Red John found a surprising amount of peace in his life; something he had never really felt before. Despite marriage being a supposedly stressful time, he truly felt contented for the first time while making these strange new plans for the future. However, a tiny voice in his head kept saying that this was wrong; this woman was meant to be a future target, not his future wife. She was meant to be the most audacious of his murders, to be precise.
Instead, he found himself wondering when all of his plans had suddenly changed. He wondered why he no longer had the same urge to kill Lisbon specifically. The bloodthirstiness for other people remained, but just not her. With Lisbon, it had almost died away completely, like the final moments in any one of his victims’ lives. As he watched her walk up the aisle towards him, he questioned whether what he was feeling was truly love.
And if it was, when, precisely, had he fallen in love with Teresa Lisbon?
To Part Nine
Part Eight - Balance
Lisbon stared at Jackson in a stunned silence. He was on one knee and looking up at her with the most hopeful expression she had ever seen on his face. She had only briefly taken the opportunity to look at the ring clasped between his two hands. From what she could see, it was simple and beautiful. If she were to pick out her own engagement ring, it was the kind of thing she would have chosen. However, she still couldn’t bring herself to give him an answer. This was so unexpected that she was still struggling to comprehend that it was happening at all.
A marriage proposal had been virtually the last thing on her mind.
It didn’t matter that they had been in a steady relationship for eighteen months. Nor did it matter that she had moved in with in. She had still found herself patiently waiting for it to go wrong somewhere along the line. Lisbon had never seen herself as having the good fortune of something going right for her. Except for her career, of course, that was the one thing she could always rely upon.
“Can you at least give me an answer, please?” he asked, his voice cracking.
“You cannot be serious,” she whispered in response.
He scrambled up to a standing position, snapping the box shut as he did so. Carefully, he placed a hand on her cheek and smiled weakly. Lisbon stared at her searchingly, trying desperately to work out precisely what was going on in his mind. Jackson seemed disappointed, embarrassed even and justifiably so. Immediately, Lisbon felt the sensation of guilt rushing through her system. She felt like she should have known what was going on when he’d grown more secretive than usual. In a way, she blamed herself for not expecting him to propose sooner or later, instead of always assuming the worst was going to inevitably happen.
Then again, there was no reason for him to feel shame, or at least, not yet. She still hadn’t exactly given him a direct answer to his question. However, when considering what she had said, it was hardly surprising that he was acting so dejectedly. It wasn’t the most promising of answers she could have given him to that very specific question.
“Jack…”
“No, it’s okay, I get it,” he answered back, with a hollow tone.
She shook her head furiously before kissing him with fervor. Jackson responded briefly, but quickly pulled away from her embrace. Lisbon wished that she could disappear in that instant. The only thing that made the situation marginally more bearable was the simple fact that he had had the common sense to ask her to marry him in the privacy of their own home. At least she wasn’t causing a commotion in a public place and embarrassing them both as a consequence.
“I’ve never really thought about marriage before. It’s just…”
Lisbon trailed off lamely. How could she explain just why it had never been something she had actively strived for. So many of her childhood friends had gotten married young and since divorced. She’d watched as other people moved on with their personal life and yet, she had never felt the desire to do so for herself. She knew that it was partially due to the fact she was so career-driven. Her work schedule generally wasn’t conducive to relationships for a start. Then there was the fact that many men found her career too intimidating to be something more than a quick, cheap thrill. The only reason Jackson understood was because he was in the business himself. Then, there were the more deep-rooted issues associated with marriage. Her solitary nature, the premature deaths of her parents, the fear of leaving her theoretical children in the same position as she had been…
“Something you never felt the need to consider?” he eventually finished for her.
She nodded, relieved that he had supplied her with a suitable answer. Gently, he gave her a peck on the cheek before smiling briefly at her again. Now, she felt a strange sense of relief. For an instant, she had believed that her own negativity had destroyed everything they had worked towards. At least now she knew that it was going to be alright.
“It’s okay, Teresa, I understand,” Jackson said as he stroked his left hand up and down her arm reassuringly. “There’s no rush. Just give it some thought, okay?”
“I don’t have to.”
And she meant it. If he could be so understanding about her behavior in such a situation, then she felt like she could trust him with something like this. Lisbon grabbed the lapels of his jacket and quickly pulled him in for another kiss and this time, he returned it eagerly. When they finally parted, she found herself breathing heavily and she couldn’t stop smiling. She wasn’t deliriously happy - not quite - if anything, she was full of mixed emotions. After all, this was a strange new frontier for her; this was something she had never expected to happen to her, of all people.
Now, she had to completely reassess her feelings about the future, because now, she was going to be sharing the rest of her life with somebody else. There were far bigger and more important decisions that had to be made in the future, ones that she could never have dreamed of two years ago. Lisbon had known that her life would change completely when she joined the CBI, but she never imagined it would be like this.
Still, as he slipped the engagement ring over her finger, and whispered that it had belonged to his mother, she couldn’t help but finally feel a sense of peace.
This was the right decision, she told herself. Everything was going to be fine.
xxx
Once Lisbon had come around to the idea of marriage, Red John was surprised at just how eagerly she thrust herself into the position of being a fiancée. Admittedly, he was the one pushing for it more, but she was still more than happy to assist with the preparations whenever possible. It pleased him immeasurably; he enjoyed seeing her so full of life and so content. In a way, it felt like the upcoming wedding had breathed fresh air into both their lives and it was something that was needed.
What surprised him even more than Lisbon’s enthusiasm was his own.
He’d always imagined that, by the time he got to this point in the relationship, he would be ready to kill her. To slice open her throat and watch the life slowly but surely bleed away from her. Red John had been in this position before; he’d wooed women, made them expect a proposal, only to snatch away their lives instead of presenting them with a ring.
Mentally, he had to remind himself that Teresa Lisbon wasn’t any old woman though. In fact, the utter shock at the proposal had been evidence that she had never expected anybody to grow that close to her at all.
Even though he was rushed off of his feet with the preparations for the wedding, he still found the time to murder the girl he had been grooming online. Despite the fact they hadn’t even met in the flesh, she had grown increasingly clingy and increasingly more annoying as a consequence. Red John, naturally, relished in the task in hand; it felt like it was long overdue. Still, he hadn’t been able to do it further. His thoughts about Lisbon had simply stopped him in his tracks.
Naturally, he noticed the repercussions of his latest kill almost immediately. When Lisbon had gotten the call at three a.m. he had rolled over and gone straight back to sleep. Being disturbed in the middle of the night due to her receiving new cases had become routine. Just because he worked a nine to five job within the CBI, it didn’t mean that she did too. However, he didn’t see Lisbon for another twenty-one hours straight; he didn’t even get the opportunity to speak to her in that time. When she finally stumbled into their home, she looked shattered and withdrawn.
“It was Red John,” she muttered sadly and then, a twinge of guilt spasmed through him. “Why does he do it? What’s his motive?”
He enveloped her into a tight hug and didn’t let go for several minutes. Gently, he stroked the back of her head and silently ignored the stray tears that were rolling down her cheeks. He knew that her self-pride would never forgive him if he had dared to point it out. For once, the only things that were on his mind were comforting her, supporting her and making sure she realized that not only was she good at her job, but she was a good person through and through.
“I wish I could answer that for you,” he muttered.
Technically, he could. However, part of him meant that statement wholeheartedly. But, by describing his desperate urge for control and blood and by explaining his motives, he would have been confessing to her, an officer of the law, that he was Red John. Equally though, he didn’t quite know how to explain precisely why he felt the need to behave in the way that he did. And if he couldn’t put it into words himself, then who could? So, pretending not to know the answer wasn’t entirely a white lie. Late at night, when she had finally drifted off into a restless sleep, that was what he told himself and Red John drew a little comfort from that. After all, how else was he meant to settle his soul?
Slowly, she managed to pull herself back together again. Once she had put the Red John case to rest for now and closed a couple of other key cases instead, he found himself almost bursting with pride. It did a wonderful job at rebuilding her battered confidence. Every time he killed, Lisbon always punished herself for not succeeding in apprehending the ‘monster’ that was Red John. As Minelli had stressed the importance of the Red John case to her repeatedly, Lisbon had grown all the more fixated on it. Despite making other big busts, she thought of it as her career-maker. The one which would mean she would garner the utmost respect of her co-workers.
And it would have been so easy for him to give her that all-important lead. Or to simply stop killing.
But then, the devil on his shoulder continually said otherwise.
In time, the wedding was back on track. Red John found a surprising amount of peace in his life; something he had never really felt before. Despite marriage being a supposedly stressful time, he truly felt contented for the first time while making these strange new plans for the future. However, a tiny voice in his head kept saying that this was wrong; this woman was meant to be a future target, not his future wife. She was meant to be the most audacious of his murders, to be precise.
Instead, he found himself wondering when all of his plans had suddenly changed. He wondered why he no longer had the same urge to kill Lisbon specifically. The bloodthirstiness for other people remained, but just not her. With Lisbon, it had almost died away completely, like the final moments in any one of his victims’ lives. As he watched her walk up the aisle towards him, he questioned whether what he was feeling was truly love.
And if it was, when, precisely, had he fallen in love with Teresa Lisbon?
To Part Nine