Catch Me 12
“I slept with another girl.”
“Is that why you end it?”
“She doesn’t deserve me.”
“You fucking not.” Yunho was clueless about this man. Jaejoong was the most unpredictable person he ever knew. “All of this time, what you’ve done to her is to prove that you deserve her, Jae.” He said. “But suddenly you just-“
“It just turn out that I’m not, Yunho!” Jaejoong looked at his bestfriend. “Apparently, I fucking not.”
Yunho put another bottle of soju on the table for Jaejoong before he reached for his ringing phone. Junsu was calling. “Hello, Junsu?.. Yeah... Jaejoong’s in my place... he’s- hello? Juns- Junsu?” he sensed that Junsu was in a hurry after asking and knowing Jaejoong’s position.
He walked back to the man who was sitting lifelessly on his couch, back hunched, hand holding a glass of soju lazily. He sat next to the man, accompanied him in the indulging silence.
Which was interrupted by loud banging on his door. “Yunho! Open the door!”
Yunho startled, felt shocked but somehow the voice was familiar.
“Open the goddamn-“
It was Yoochun!
Yunho ran, as quick as his legs let him, and opened the door. Without permission, Yoochun barged in, walked towards Jaejoong’s direction. The older man looked up to him, before Yoochun punched him hard on the face.
“What did you fucking do to my sister, you asshole?” he pulled Jaejoong’s shirt and the older man stood up.
Jaejoong didn’t answer.
Yoochun pulled Jaejoong’s collar to close the distance between them. Gave him a piercing vicious glare. His breath hot on Jaejoong’s face.
Yunho didn’t realize that Junsu was there, beside him, until the man spoke to him. “What should we do, Hyung?”
“I’m gonna fucking kill you.” Yoochun said through his clenched jaw. He pushed Jaejoong just enough to give the man another punch on his perfect cheekbone. “WHAT DID YOU DO?!”
Jaejoong gave no reaction. Let himself be a voodoo doll for Yoochun to hurt. There was a slightest hint of blood on the corner of his lips.
“She never fucking cries, okay. She cried. She cried because of you! What did you do?!”
Jaejoong froze. Amber cried? She cried?
“You asked my fucking permission? Huh, Hyung?” Yoochun gave a pressure on the last word, hit Jaejoong’s chest as he said so. “You fucking LOVE HER?! That fucking filthy mouth of yours, Hyung…” he slapped Jaejoong’s lips hard.
Jaejoong was numb because… was Amber really cried? Because of him? Then did it mean that… their relationship, it meant something to her..?
Then why did Jaejoong gave up?
Yunho was distracted from the fight when he heard Junsu talking to his phone. Then the younger man looked at him warily. “Hyung, really…” Junsu was helpless. “What should we do?
Yunho couldn’t answer that. He didn’t know either what they should do. “Who called?”
Junsu bit his lips.
Yunho’s question was being answered when Changmin and Amber walked in through his opened door. Jaejoong was still being beaten by Yoochun. The three men were looking at Amber, who watched his brother and Jaejoong with no expression.
“You’re not going to separate them!?” Changmin asked Yunho.
Yunho gave Changmin a look. But Changmin gave Yunho another look. A harder and stronger one.
“Let them.” Amber said.
Jaejoong’s muffled groan could be heard when Yoochun kept on punching his bruised body.
“You loved her, you say?” Yoochun gave another hard slap so Jaejoong looked at him. “YOU DON’T WANT TO RUIN OUR FRIENDSHIP, YOU SAY?!” Yoochun pushed the older man and he staggered backwards.
Jaejoong fell on the floor, finally lifted up his head and looked at the other man through his swollen eyelids. “I’m sorry.”
“I don’t want your sorry.” Yoochun’s voice was low and threatening. “Do you know why I let you? Because you are my bestfriend, you are my hyung. You’re with me whenever I need you. You give me everything you have to help me even if I don’t ask.” Yoochun’s eyes were teary because of the emotion. “Never a thought of betrayal had crossed my mind.”
Jaejoong just sat there and listened.
“You are precious for me. And she’s even more. And maybe, to return all the kindness you’ve given to me, I’d let you be with her. Because I trust you. I trusted you.” Yoochun said. “Amber is my sister. She’s my precious sister. I read her bedtime stories about castles and knight. I bought her favorite banana milk from my moneybox. When father died, she asked if she could call me ‘Appa’, because she doesn’t have enough chance to say that word.” He took a deep breath. “And I let her. Because for her, I’ll be her anything. Then you said, did you say that you would be her anything, Hyung?” Yoochun walked slowly to Jaejoong. “Why did you do that…”
“I’m sorry. I’m sorry, Yoochun, I’m sorry.” Jaejoong was crying in regret when he looked at Yoochun.
“Why. Did. You. Fucking. Do. That.” Yoochun said each word with his hard slap against Jaejoong’s face.
“Oppa,”
Yoochun and Jaejoong clearly didn’t realize Amber was there. Both of them turned to the source of the voice.
“Amber,” Jaejoong called softly.
“Don’t call her name.” Yoochun gave Jaejoong’s stomach a hard fist.
“Amber, Amber, I’m sorry, please forgive me-“ Jaejoong’s words were cut with Yoochun’s hit. “Amber!”
Junsu was frozen in his place and Changmin couldn’t hold it anymore. He stepped in to separate the men, but Yunho held his wrist.
“Yunho…” Changmin didn’t understand why the man stopped him.
“Oppa,” Amber called again. “Let’s go home.” She held Yoochun’s fist. “Let’s go home.” She pulled Yoochun away from Jaejoong.
“Amber!” Jaejoong called desperately. He was on the floor, pushed his aching body up with his trembling arms. “I’m sorry. I’m so stupid. There’s no one single moment when I don’t regret what I said to you. I really-“
“Stop it.” Amber cut him. “I’ve had enough.” Her eyes were sad and teary and it hurt Jaejoong even more than the punches Yoochun threw at him.
*
Changmin was out of breath when he was back to Yunho’s apartment. The dumb clumsy old man didn’t keep a first aid kit box in his place.
“She cried.” Jaejoong said emptily. “She cried. Because of me.”
“Lie down.” Yunho arranged the pillow on his bed for Jaejoong.
The older lied lifelessly and closed his eyes. Hot tears came out from the edge of his eyes.
“I’m so stupid. I thought she- I thought she doesn’t like me!” Jaejoong’s lips trembled. Not because of the cut that split it open. “She cares about me.”
Yunho came back with towel and a basin filled with hot water. Junsu dipped the towel and after it cooled a bit, dabbed Jaejoong’s bruise on his eyebrows.
“Junsu, why don’t you go to Yoochun’s? What will happen to them? Fuck, what if they’re fighting again?” Jaejoong asked, could only open one eye because the left one was swollen.
“Hyung…” Junsu almost begged. “Please don’t do this anymore.”
“Changmin-ah, do you have alcohol? And maybe some ointment. And clean plaster.” Yunho asked.
Changmin opened his first aid kit box. And when he took out the alcohol bottle, there was a little paper fell to his lap. And when he looked inside the box, there were notes inside. Colorful notes with short, neat handwritings on them.
Drink me if your stomach hurts! :O
Wrap me around your finger if you cut yourself ><
Apply me if you burn your skin ^^ don’t be so clumsy next time!!
Eat me after your meal ;) wear warmer clothes so the flu won’t get worse~
There was this one time when Changmin had to go for two weeks for the choir competition in London.
“Don’t go Changmin-ah~~! What will I do without you?” Yunho pouted as he watched Changmin packed things to his baggage.
“Stupid. Of course you’ll be fine.” Changmin said, went to the bathroom to take his toothbrush.
“Don’t go…” Yunho said sadly.
Changmin chuckled. “I have to.”
“I will miss you so bad.” Yunho said, looked at Changmin with puppy eyes.
Changmin sat next to Yunho and smiled.
“Aren’t you gonna say it back to me?”
Changmin stuck out his tongue and Yunho pouted harder.
“Just don’t burn down the place.” Changmin said. “And stay away from the stove. Ask Jaejoong Hyung to- oh wait, he’s coming with me.”
Yunho let out a deep sigh.
“Don’t kill yourself in the kitchen.” Changmin advised, patted Yunho’s head as if he was a mother and Yunho was her son.
“I’ll miss you.” Yunho said again, with a little smile.
And finally he gave his man some sympathy. “I’ll miss you too.” He hugged Yunho and he could feel the other man put his arms around his body.
The notes, was his. He wrote the notes just in case Yunho hurt himself. Because… well… he hated to know how lonely Yunho was, especially if he got ill. Or hurt himself. Imagined if Yunho was cooking alone, because Changmin wasn’t there to cook dinner or Jaejoong couldn’t help him too. And what if that clumsy man touched the hot pot? The picture of Yunho pouting while looking at his wound was cute, but Changmin would rather be there to watch it himself, and of course treated Yunho’s wound. But then again, he wouldn’t be there.
He thought writing the notes would make him present there, with Yunho, although he wasn’t really there.
Junsu looked at the youngest warily and called his name. “Changmin?”
Changmin met Yunho’s stare when he looked up, and his vision was blurry with tears when he realized something; Yunho would never let him go. It was him letting go of the man who loved him. But why, dear God oh, why, “Why did you say yes?” his fist clenched tight. “Why did you say yes during the break up?” he stood up and walked to Yunho. “Is it that easy to say yes?”
“Is it that easy to say ‘let’s break up’?” Yunho asked him back.
“You’re fucking leaving!” Changmin yelled.
“You left too, Min, but I waited!” Yunho said as loud. “Why don’t you wait for me? Can you not?”
“It’s six months and you said it could even be longer! What if you’d never come back?”
“I can visit, Min, and so do you!” Yunho’s emotion burnt up seeing Changmin all angry like that. “Why is it even come to your mind, the break up? Why is it so easy for you?”
“It’s not fucking easy, dammit!” Changmin threw away the alcohol bottle in his hand. “What do you expect me to do?! Grab onto your legs and beg you not to leave? Cry my eyes out as I plea?”
“Yes.” Yunho’s voice was thinner than a whisper.
“But you’d still leave, right?” Changmin accused him.
“Maybe.” Yunho replied shortly. “But in that scenario I bet we wouldn’t have broken up.”
“Even if I do that, you’d still leave?!” Changmin’s eyes widened. He couldn’t believe Yunho.
“I don’t know, Changmin.” Yunho said frustatedly. “But at least I’m sure that you still want me by your side. That you’re still in love with me. But the fact is, you asked me to break up with you. How do you think I’d feel?”
“Well I’m just confused, Yunho!” Changmin yelled. “Because I thought that was what you really want!” he combed through his hair frustatedly. “Who am I to say a thing!? Who am I telling you not to go after your dreams?”
“You were my life, Changmin,” Yunho’s voice was breaking. “You were my life, and yet you were pushing me away. You didn’t even say goodbye.”
“I was going, you idiot! But you left already!” Changmin pushed Yunho’s shoulder and one of his crutch fell. “You fucking left me!”
Yunho didn’t believe it. “You… went after me?!”
Changmin just nodded and wiped his unknowingly falling tears.
“Then… why don’t you… I don’t know, text me or-“
“Because it hurts!” Changmin screamed to Yunho’s face. “It hurt when you left… I’m afraid of what might happen if I contact you… after the break up and all… it hurt more when I found out that you injured…” he looked down. “But it hurts the most when you’re okay… with us… with the nothingness between us.”
Changmin could feel the man was still looking at him, and he waited. He held the urge to touch him.
“But you don’t love me anymore.”
Changmin closed his eyes to prevent any tears coming out and looked up to the man in the eye. “Do you?”
“I do.” Yunho said it. Simply. No lies. He never hid. He was honest and why Changmin couldn’t be the same about his feelings to Yunho?
“Yunho, I-“
“You don’t love me anymore.” Yunho knew. Yunho knew when Jaejoong asked Changmin the question. Just move on with your life, dude, Changmin doesn’t love you anymore.
“I’m still-“
“But you have Julien.” Yunho said the fact. “He loves you.” He stated. “I knew he is, I’ve been there.”
Changmin burst into tears. “What if I love you?” he said, a bit unclear with the sobs came out from his lips. “What if, everytime I go out with Julien, I think about you instead. Everytime he cooked for me, I remembered the time you tried to cook, and eveytime you fail. And when he hugged me, I imagine it was you embracing me. What if when we sleep together, I surprised in the morning seeing his face, because I was expecting your face.” His voice was trembling. “What if everytime we meet, Yunho, I wait. I wait for you being jealous. I wait for you fighting for me. I wait for you winning me back. I wait for you to catch me.”
“Then what do you want?” Yunho moved closer to the younger.
“I want you to fight for me!” Changmin looked at Yunho. “Fight for me… Yunho…”
“Why would I fight for someone who doesn’t want me anymore?” Yunho’s voice was thin. “With all the little pieces I became, it was for you and only you. But what good it does to me? You threw me away, Min.” Yunho looked at him sadly.
Changmin eyes fell. “I’m sorry… but I was falling apart too…”
Now Yunho felt guilty. “I’m sorry.”
“You shouldn’t say yes when I ask for a breakup.” Changmin added. “I miss you.”
Yunho was still in his place, so Changmin took the step and hug the man. Tightly, never ever going to let him go. Never gonna push him away.
“I’m sorry Yunho…” Changmin’s voice muffled to Yunho’s neck. “For the breakup. For the injury. For all the time you’re alone when I’m supposed to be there with you. For Julien. For hurting you.” He could smell Yunho’s familiar scent and he just couldn’t hold it anymore. “I fucking love you… I don’t know if there’s a time when I don’t, even when you’re not with me.”
Yunho let go of his crutches and hugged Changmin back, and Changmin hugged him tighter. Because he knew Yunho trusted him. That Yunho forgave him. That he missed him too. That he loved him, and never letting go either.
*
Changmin was going to the dance studio first in the morning to meet Yunho, he brought tuna sandwich and juice for breakfast. He knew they couldn’t be all lovey dovey all the way, somehow they started at the beginning again. And for that, he was willing to try his hardest.
Though when he pushed the door open, he didn’t expect Yunho being with a boy who was holding his hands tightly while the man was standing.
“What is this?!” Changmin should’ve control his anger. He really should’ve. But it was somehow uncontrollable.
Yunho almost lost the balance because of the shock but the boy gripped him tight.
“Kai is helping me with my morning exercise.” Yunho explained, and Changmin’s eyes followed the boy, Kai, and yeah. He remembered this exchanged student who he saw several times with Yunho. And he remembered too that Jaejoong said this little kid had a massive crush on his man.
Kai didn’t even look at him, he took a chair closer for Yunho to sit on, and quickly grabbed his bag. “I need to go now, Hyung,” he said to Yunho. Even when he walked towards the door, he still looked down, mumbled a, “I’m sorry,” and “Excuse me,”
Changmin let the boy out and got in the room, closed the door behind him.
“No need to scare him like that.” Yunho said.
“I’m not scaring him, he’s the one who-“ Changmin knew he shouldn’t fuss about that. “I bring breakfast for you.”
“Thank you,” Yunho received the paper bag and took out the sandwich.
Changmin dragged a chair and sat next to Yunho. “So… how’s your leg?”
“It’s getting better,” Yunho opened the food wrapper. “I’m starting to walk again.”
“That’s fantastic,” Changmin eyes widened.
Yunho hummed. “If I do the exercises and therapies well, it’ll be less than a month for my leg to perfectly heal.”
Changmin rubbed Yunho’s thigh. “I will help you with that.”
“Okay,” Yunho looked at him and his expression turned a bit sad. “Umm… how’s Julien?”
Changmin fumbled with the empty paper bag. “You know I’ve never loved him.”
“That’s not the case here, Min.” Yunho looked at Changmin patiently. “Have you told him?”
Changmin looked down. “How am I supposed to tell him?”
Yunho sighed. “I’m sorry, Changmin, but I can’t.” he took his crutches and stood up.
“But Yunho, I-“ Changmin didn’t know what to say, but the older man stopped and turned to him. “I love you…” he whispered.
“But you’re still with him.” Yunho stated. “And I can’t, Min.” he walked towards the door. “Thank you for the food.”
“Is that why you end it?”
“She doesn’t deserve me.”
“You fucking not.” Yunho was clueless about this man. Jaejoong was the most unpredictable person he ever knew. “All of this time, what you’ve done to her is to prove that you deserve her, Jae.” He said. “But suddenly you just-“
“It just turn out that I’m not, Yunho!” Jaejoong looked at his bestfriend. “Apparently, I fucking not.”
Yunho put another bottle of soju on the table for Jaejoong before he reached for his ringing phone. Junsu was calling. “Hello, Junsu?.. Yeah... Jaejoong’s in my place... he’s- hello? Juns- Junsu?” he sensed that Junsu was in a hurry after asking and knowing Jaejoong’s position.
He walked back to the man who was sitting lifelessly on his couch, back hunched, hand holding a glass of soju lazily. He sat next to the man, accompanied him in the indulging silence.
Which was interrupted by loud banging on his door. “Yunho! Open the door!”
Yunho startled, felt shocked but somehow the voice was familiar.
“Open the goddamn-“
It was Yoochun!
Yunho ran, as quick as his legs let him, and opened the door. Without permission, Yoochun barged in, walked towards Jaejoong’s direction. The older man looked up to him, before Yoochun punched him hard on the face.
“What did you fucking do to my sister, you asshole?” he pulled Jaejoong’s shirt and the older man stood up.
Jaejoong didn’t answer.
Yoochun pulled Jaejoong’s collar to close the distance between them. Gave him a piercing vicious glare. His breath hot on Jaejoong’s face.
Yunho didn’t realize that Junsu was there, beside him, until the man spoke to him. “What should we do, Hyung?”
“I’m gonna fucking kill you.” Yoochun said through his clenched jaw. He pushed Jaejoong just enough to give the man another punch on his perfect cheekbone. “WHAT DID YOU DO?!”
Jaejoong gave no reaction. Let himself be a voodoo doll for Yoochun to hurt. There was a slightest hint of blood on the corner of his lips.
“She never fucking cries, okay. She cried. She cried because of you! What did you do?!”
Jaejoong froze. Amber cried? She cried?
“You asked my fucking permission? Huh, Hyung?” Yoochun gave a pressure on the last word, hit Jaejoong’s chest as he said so. “You fucking LOVE HER?! That fucking filthy mouth of yours, Hyung…” he slapped Jaejoong’s lips hard.
Jaejoong was numb because… was Amber really cried? Because of him? Then did it mean that… their relationship, it meant something to her..?
Then why did Jaejoong gave up?
Yunho was distracted from the fight when he heard Junsu talking to his phone. Then the younger man looked at him warily. “Hyung, really…” Junsu was helpless. “What should we do?
Yunho couldn’t answer that. He didn’t know either what they should do. “Who called?”
Junsu bit his lips.
Yunho’s question was being answered when Changmin and Amber walked in through his opened door. Jaejoong was still being beaten by Yoochun. The three men were looking at Amber, who watched his brother and Jaejoong with no expression.
“You’re not going to separate them!?” Changmin asked Yunho.
Yunho gave Changmin a look. But Changmin gave Yunho another look. A harder and stronger one.
“Let them.” Amber said.
Jaejoong’s muffled groan could be heard when Yoochun kept on punching his bruised body.
“You loved her, you say?” Yoochun gave another hard slap so Jaejoong looked at him. “YOU DON’T WANT TO RUIN OUR FRIENDSHIP, YOU SAY?!” Yoochun pushed the older man and he staggered backwards.
Jaejoong fell on the floor, finally lifted up his head and looked at the other man through his swollen eyelids. “I’m sorry.”
“I don’t want your sorry.” Yoochun’s voice was low and threatening. “Do you know why I let you? Because you are my bestfriend, you are my hyung. You’re with me whenever I need you. You give me everything you have to help me even if I don’t ask.” Yoochun’s eyes were teary because of the emotion. “Never a thought of betrayal had crossed my mind.”
Jaejoong just sat there and listened.
“You are precious for me. And she’s even more. And maybe, to return all the kindness you’ve given to me, I’d let you be with her. Because I trust you. I trusted you.” Yoochun said. “Amber is my sister. She’s my precious sister. I read her bedtime stories about castles and knight. I bought her favorite banana milk from my moneybox. When father died, she asked if she could call me ‘Appa’, because she doesn’t have enough chance to say that word.” He took a deep breath. “And I let her. Because for her, I’ll be her anything. Then you said, did you say that you would be her anything, Hyung?” Yoochun walked slowly to Jaejoong. “Why did you do that…”
“I’m sorry. I’m sorry, Yoochun, I’m sorry.” Jaejoong was crying in regret when he looked at Yoochun.
“Why. Did. You. Fucking. Do. That.” Yoochun said each word with his hard slap against Jaejoong’s face.
“Oppa,”
Yoochun and Jaejoong clearly didn’t realize Amber was there. Both of them turned to the source of the voice.
“Amber,” Jaejoong called softly.
“Don’t call her name.” Yoochun gave Jaejoong’s stomach a hard fist.
“Amber, Amber, I’m sorry, please forgive me-“ Jaejoong’s words were cut with Yoochun’s hit. “Amber!”
Junsu was frozen in his place and Changmin couldn’t hold it anymore. He stepped in to separate the men, but Yunho held his wrist.
“Yunho…” Changmin didn’t understand why the man stopped him.
“Oppa,” Amber called again. “Let’s go home.” She held Yoochun’s fist. “Let’s go home.” She pulled Yoochun away from Jaejoong.
“Amber!” Jaejoong called desperately. He was on the floor, pushed his aching body up with his trembling arms. “I’m sorry. I’m so stupid. There’s no one single moment when I don’t regret what I said to you. I really-“
“Stop it.” Amber cut him. “I’ve had enough.” Her eyes were sad and teary and it hurt Jaejoong even more than the punches Yoochun threw at him.
*
Changmin was out of breath when he was back to Yunho’s apartment. The dumb clumsy old man didn’t keep a first aid kit box in his place.
“She cried.” Jaejoong said emptily. “She cried. Because of me.”
“Lie down.” Yunho arranged the pillow on his bed for Jaejoong.
The older lied lifelessly and closed his eyes. Hot tears came out from the edge of his eyes.
“I’m so stupid. I thought she- I thought she doesn’t like me!” Jaejoong’s lips trembled. Not because of the cut that split it open. “She cares about me.”
Yunho came back with towel and a basin filled with hot water. Junsu dipped the towel and after it cooled a bit, dabbed Jaejoong’s bruise on his eyebrows.
“Junsu, why don’t you go to Yoochun’s? What will happen to them? Fuck, what if they’re fighting again?” Jaejoong asked, could only open one eye because the left one was swollen.
“Hyung…” Junsu almost begged. “Please don’t do this anymore.”
“Changmin-ah, do you have alcohol? And maybe some ointment. And clean plaster.” Yunho asked.
Changmin opened his first aid kit box. And when he took out the alcohol bottle, there was a little paper fell to his lap. And when he looked inside the box, there were notes inside. Colorful notes with short, neat handwritings on them.
Drink me if your stomach hurts! :O
Wrap me around your finger if you cut yourself ><
Apply me if you burn your skin ^^ don’t be so clumsy next time!!
Eat me after your meal ;) wear warmer clothes so the flu won’t get worse~
There was this one time when Changmin had to go for two weeks for the choir competition in London.
“Don’t go Changmin-ah~~! What will I do without you?” Yunho pouted as he watched Changmin packed things to his baggage.
“Stupid. Of course you’ll be fine.” Changmin said, went to the bathroom to take his toothbrush.
“Don’t go…” Yunho said sadly.
Changmin chuckled. “I have to.”
“I will miss you so bad.” Yunho said, looked at Changmin with puppy eyes.
Changmin sat next to Yunho and smiled.
“Aren’t you gonna say it back to me?”
Changmin stuck out his tongue and Yunho pouted harder.
“Just don’t burn down the place.” Changmin said. “And stay away from the stove. Ask Jaejoong Hyung to- oh wait, he’s coming with me.”
Yunho let out a deep sigh.
“Don’t kill yourself in the kitchen.” Changmin advised, patted Yunho’s head as if he was a mother and Yunho was her son.
“I’ll miss you.” Yunho said again, with a little smile.
And finally he gave his man some sympathy. “I’ll miss you too.” He hugged Yunho and he could feel the other man put his arms around his body.
The notes, was his. He wrote the notes just in case Yunho hurt himself. Because… well… he hated to know how lonely Yunho was, especially if he got ill. Or hurt himself. Imagined if Yunho was cooking alone, because Changmin wasn’t there to cook dinner or Jaejoong couldn’t help him too. And what if that clumsy man touched the hot pot? The picture of Yunho pouting while looking at his wound was cute, but Changmin would rather be there to watch it himself, and of course treated Yunho’s wound. But then again, he wouldn’t be there.
He thought writing the notes would make him present there, with Yunho, although he wasn’t really there.
Junsu looked at the youngest warily and called his name. “Changmin?”
Changmin met Yunho’s stare when he looked up, and his vision was blurry with tears when he realized something; Yunho would never let him go. It was him letting go of the man who loved him. But why, dear God oh, why, “Why did you say yes?” his fist clenched tight. “Why did you say yes during the break up?” he stood up and walked to Yunho. “Is it that easy to say yes?”
“Is it that easy to say ‘let’s break up’?” Yunho asked him back.
“You’re fucking leaving!” Changmin yelled.
“You left too, Min, but I waited!” Yunho said as loud. “Why don’t you wait for me? Can you not?”
“It’s six months and you said it could even be longer! What if you’d never come back?”
“I can visit, Min, and so do you!” Yunho’s emotion burnt up seeing Changmin all angry like that. “Why is it even come to your mind, the break up? Why is it so easy for you?”
“It’s not fucking easy, dammit!” Changmin threw away the alcohol bottle in his hand. “What do you expect me to do?! Grab onto your legs and beg you not to leave? Cry my eyes out as I plea?”
“Yes.” Yunho’s voice was thinner than a whisper.
“But you’d still leave, right?” Changmin accused him.
“Maybe.” Yunho replied shortly. “But in that scenario I bet we wouldn’t have broken up.”
“Even if I do that, you’d still leave?!” Changmin’s eyes widened. He couldn’t believe Yunho.
“I don’t know, Changmin.” Yunho said frustatedly. “But at least I’m sure that you still want me by your side. That you’re still in love with me. But the fact is, you asked me to break up with you. How do you think I’d feel?”
“Well I’m just confused, Yunho!” Changmin yelled. “Because I thought that was what you really want!” he combed through his hair frustatedly. “Who am I to say a thing!? Who am I telling you not to go after your dreams?”
“You were my life, Changmin,” Yunho’s voice was breaking. “You were my life, and yet you were pushing me away. You didn’t even say goodbye.”
“I was going, you idiot! But you left already!” Changmin pushed Yunho’s shoulder and one of his crutch fell. “You fucking left me!”
Yunho didn’t believe it. “You… went after me?!”
Changmin just nodded and wiped his unknowingly falling tears.
“Then… why don’t you… I don’t know, text me or-“
“Because it hurts!” Changmin screamed to Yunho’s face. “It hurt when you left… I’m afraid of what might happen if I contact you… after the break up and all… it hurt more when I found out that you injured…” he looked down. “But it hurts the most when you’re okay… with us… with the nothingness between us.”
Changmin could feel the man was still looking at him, and he waited. He held the urge to touch him.
“But you don’t love me anymore.”
Changmin closed his eyes to prevent any tears coming out and looked up to the man in the eye. “Do you?”
“I do.” Yunho said it. Simply. No lies. He never hid. He was honest and why Changmin couldn’t be the same about his feelings to Yunho?
“Yunho, I-“
“You don’t love me anymore.” Yunho knew. Yunho knew when Jaejoong asked Changmin the question. Just move on with your life, dude, Changmin doesn’t love you anymore.
“I’m still-“
“But you have Julien.” Yunho said the fact. “He loves you.” He stated. “I knew he is, I’ve been there.”
Changmin burst into tears. “What if I love you?” he said, a bit unclear with the sobs came out from his lips. “What if, everytime I go out with Julien, I think about you instead. Everytime he cooked for me, I remembered the time you tried to cook, and eveytime you fail. And when he hugged me, I imagine it was you embracing me. What if when we sleep together, I surprised in the morning seeing his face, because I was expecting your face.” His voice was trembling. “What if everytime we meet, Yunho, I wait. I wait for you being jealous. I wait for you fighting for me. I wait for you winning me back. I wait for you to catch me.”
“Then what do you want?” Yunho moved closer to the younger.
“I want you to fight for me!” Changmin looked at Yunho. “Fight for me… Yunho…”
“Why would I fight for someone who doesn’t want me anymore?” Yunho’s voice was thin. “With all the little pieces I became, it was for you and only you. But what good it does to me? You threw me away, Min.” Yunho looked at him sadly.
Changmin eyes fell. “I’m sorry… but I was falling apart too…”
Now Yunho felt guilty. “I’m sorry.”
“You shouldn’t say yes when I ask for a breakup.” Changmin added. “I miss you.”
Yunho was still in his place, so Changmin took the step and hug the man. Tightly, never ever going to let him go. Never gonna push him away.
“I’m sorry Yunho…” Changmin’s voice muffled to Yunho’s neck. “For the breakup. For the injury. For all the time you’re alone when I’m supposed to be there with you. For Julien. For hurting you.” He could smell Yunho’s familiar scent and he just couldn’t hold it anymore. “I fucking love you… I don’t know if there’s a time when I don’t, even when you’re not with me.”
Yunho let go of his crutches and hugged Changmin back, and Changmin hugged him tighter. Because he knew Yunho trusted him. That Yunho forgave him. That he missed him too. That he loved him, and never letting go either.
*
Changmin was going to the dance studio first in the morning to meet Yunho, he brought tuna sandwich and juice for breakfast. He knew they couldn’t be all lovey dovey all the way, somehow they started at the beginning again. And for that, he was willing to try his hardest.
Though when he pushed the door open, he didn’t expect Yunho being with a boy who was holding his hands tightly while the man was standing.
“What is this?!” Changmin should’ve control his anger. He really should’ve. But it was somehow uncontrollable.
Yunho almost lost the balance because of the shock but the boy gripped him tight.
“Kai is helping me with my morning exercise.” Yunho explained, and Changmin’s eyes followed the boy, Kai, and yeah. He remembered this exchanged student who he saw several times with Yunho. And he remembered too that Jaejoong said this little kid had a massive crush on his man.
Kai didn’t even look at him, he took a chair closer for Yunho to sit on, and quickly grabbed his bag. “I need to go now, Hyung,” he said to Yunho. Even when he walked towards the door, he still looked down, mumbled a, “I’m sorry,” and “Excuse me,”
Changmin let the boy out and got in the room, closed the door behind him.
“No need to scare him like that.” Yunho said.
“I’m not scaring him, he’s the one who-“ Changmin knew he shouldn’t fuss about that. “I bring breakfast for you.”
“Thank you,” Yunho received the paper bag and took out the sandwich.
Changmin dragged a chair and sat next to Yunho. “So… how’s your leg?”
“It’s getting better,” Yunho opened the food wrapper. “I’m starting to walk again.”
“That’s fantastic,” Changmin eyes widened.
Yunho hummed. “If I do the exercises and therapies well, it’ll be less than a month for my leg to perfectly heal.”
Changmin rubbed Yunho’s thigh. “I will help you with that.”
“Okay,” Yunho looked at him and his expression turned a bit sad. “Umm… how’s Julien?”
Changmin fumbled with the empty paper bag. “You know I’ve never loved him.”
“That’s not the case here, Min.” Yunho looked at Changmin patiently. “Have you told him?”
Changmin looked down. “How am I supposed to tell him?”
Yunho sighed. “I’m sorry, Changmin, but I can’t.” he took his crutches and stood up.
“But Yunho, I-“ Changmin didn’t know what to say, but the older man stopped and turned to him. “I love you…” he whispered.
“But you’re still with him.” Yunho stated. “And I can’t, Min.” he walked towards the door. “Thank you for the food.”