crackfic: God Save The Queen (We Mean It, Man)
IT IS DOCTOR/ELIZABETH TUDOR. HELL YES.
The Doctor paused at the entrance to the Queen's chamber.
"Look," he said, "I don't know if I can do this."
"We're married," said Bess, "we're entitled. In fact, marriages don't count if you don't do it." She narrowed her eyes. "Of course, if you were my father they didn't count even if you had done it."
"The old bastard," agreed the Doctor. "No offence, but he's not one of my favourite monarchs."
Bess patted his cheek. "Let's not talk about him, my love." She pushed her hips up significantly.
"It's just," said the Doctor, oblivious, "you're famous for being a virgin. Most famous virgin ever. Well, second most famous after that Jewish girl that got herself pregnant by... well, best not go into that. It wasn't me," he added.
"I know we're supposed to utter passionate blasphemies in bed, but isn't that once we're actually doing it?"
"It's not blasphemy," he protested. "Well, I suppose it is, but only for some people. It's not a universal. So, really, it hardly counts. But my point is," he continued, "that you're a famous virgin. There's an entire colony named after your sexual status, can I really take it from you?"
"Doctor..."
"I know some people have that 'where no man has gone before' fetish, but I'm always going where no man has etc, so this doesn't hold any special appeal for me. If anything it's scary. What if you do it wrong and then they never want to have sex ever again?"
She said his real name, slightly irritated.
"Yes?" It was an embarrassing name, but it always got his attention.
"I'm not actually a virgin," she said.
"Oh? Oh! Oh, well that's different." He smiled. "You must be very discreet."
"It helps that if they say anything I can have them beheaded."
The Doctor swallowed. "Yeah, about that, I've never been decapitated before, but I don't think I'd like it much."
"Then do your best not to displease me."
"I knew there was a reason I was scared of marriage. And your family... well, Mary wasn't actually that Bloody, that was mostly anti-Catholic propaganda."
"We didn't get on," sniffed Bess.
"Good at darts, though, I do remember that much about her. Wicked right hook as well."
"Are we going to go through my entire family tree or are we going to consummate our union in the traditional manner?"
"I have a friend who's King of England," said the Doctor, undaunted and warming to the topic. "She pulled the sword from the stone and everything. Although," he continued, "when you think about it almost everyone in Britain could claim to be related to your lot. Do you know Christina de... no, you wouldn't. Sorry."
Bess grabbed the Doctor by the shoulders and pushed him onto his back. "Right," she said, straddling him, "you lie there and talk for England and I'll sort this out."
"I don't even approve of the aristocracy," he said, then yelped as she slid down onto him.
And then they doth made the beast with two backs.
The Doctor paused at the entrance to the Queen's chamber.
"Look," he said, "I don't know if I can do this."
"We're married," said Bess, "we're entitled. In fact, marriages don't count if you don't do it." She narrowed her eyes. "Of course, if you were my father they didn't count even if you had done it."
"The old bastard," agreed the Doctor. "No offence, but he's not one of my favourite monarchs."
Bess patted his cheek. "Let's not talk about him, my love." She pushed her hips up significantly.
"It's just," said the Doctor, oblivious, "you're famous for being a virgin. Most famous virgin ever. Well, second most famous after that Jewish girl that got herself pregnant by... well, best not go into that. It wasn't me," he added.
"I know we're supposed to utter passionate blasphemies in bed, but isn't that once we're actually doing it?"
"It's not blasphemy," he protested. "Well, I suppose it is, but only for some people. It's not a universal. So, really, it hardly counts. But my point is," he continued, "that you're a famous virgin. There's an entire colony named after your sexual status, can I really take it from you?"
"Doctor..."
"I know some people have that 'where no man has gone before' fetish, but I'm always going where no man has etc, so this doesn't hold any special appeal for me. If anything it's scary. What if you do it wrong and then they never want to have sex ever again?"
She said his real name, slightly irritated.
"Yes?" It was an embarrassing name, but it always got his attention.
"I'm not actually a virgin," she said.
"Oh? Oh! Oh, well that's different." He smiled. "You must be very discreet."
"It helps that if they say anything I can have them beheaded."
The Doctor swallowed. "Yeah, about that, I've never been decapitated before, but I don't think I'd like it much."
"Then do your best not to displease me."
"I knew there was a reason I was scared of marriage. And your family... well, Mary wasn't actually that Bloody, that was mostly anti-Catholic propaganda."
"We didn't get on," sniffed Bess.
"Good at darts, though, I do remember that much about her. Wicked right hook as well."
"Are we going to go through my entire family tree or are we going to consummate our union in the traditional manner?"
"I have a friend who's King of England," said the Doctor, undaunted and warming to the topic. "She pulled the sword from the stone and everything. Although," he continued, "when you think about it almost everyone in Britain could claim to be related to your lot. Do you know Christina de... no, you wouldn't. Sorry."
Bess grabbed the Doctor by the shoulders and pushed him onto his back. "Right," she said, straddling him, "you lie there and talk for England and I'll sort this out."
"I don't even approve of the aristocracy," he said, then yelped as she slid down onto him.
And then they doth made the beast with two backs.