[accidentally submitted, then promptly deleted] Doing this again
[Ooc notes: As will be the usual format, this post has been deleted. The text in strike-through was deleted just after it was written, the rest was deleted all at once as soon as Jason realized that he'd accidentally submitted this alongside his patrol log.]
I-
I keep thinking about the talk with Bruce a few days ago. The conversation on his little "journal" thing, too. Can't get it out of my head. Can't sleep, either- it's even worse than usual. So a couple shots of the cheap stuff later, I figured, fuck, I'll try this again. It helped last time, right?
"Come home." That's what he asked me.
That son of a bitch. Where the hell does he get off asking me to go back? After everything he's done, after everything he's let the Joker do-
Fuck it, what the hell does he think's gonna happen, anyways? Not like I can just go back to the Manor and just sit around while the Joker keeps busting out and killing again and again, and no one does anything to stop it. Not like I'm going to just let it keep eating away at me, episode after-
If he even means it.
Does he even mean it? Wouldn't surprise me if he's lying through his teeth.
He probably is, too. It makes sense. He didn't give a damn when I died. He picked the fucking Joker over me! He slit my I don't buy for a second that he's being straight-up about this. There's something up. He doesn't mean it. Goddamnit, I shouldn't want him to. Bastard'd sure as hell trap me given half a chance.
He wants to meet face to face? Just how fucking gullible does he think I am? He think I'm just going to walk into his hands and let him try and lock me away in fucking Arkham or something?
Hell, even if he's being straight about the whole thing, there's no way he gives a damn about me. All that bullshit he spouted at the end, about how he can't go back? About how I "owe it to myself" to play by his rules? He just wants to make sure that the Red Hood doesn't harm another hair on the head of his precious fucking clown, or any of the scum like him. Either way, he just wants to control me. No way in hell he actually wants me back.
I can't fucking go back, okay? He doesn't even mean it, so stop fucking thinking about it!
... I shouldn't even be thinking about this. I've got more important things to worry about. Killer Croc. Jackson and Samuels. Finding out what bastard's responsible for the murder of Nikki Rommes earlier. Finding a sleeping pill that actually fucking works. God, and the flashbacks are starting to-
I have my own shit to deal with.
I'm supposed to be done with the bastard, anyways. Don't need anything more from him. I don't need his attention, I don't need his approval, and I sure as hell know better than to expect any fucking justice from him. Unless he's in my way, he doesn't matter anymore. It doesn't matter anymore. And either way, I can't go home, long as the Joker's alive. No matter if he's telling the truth. No matter how much I want to go home. And that makes the whole damn question moot.
So why am I so confused?
Damn it, what the hell is wrong with me?