50 Reasons to Watch The West Wing
I've had an argument with ladyvader2 she said call this 50 favorite West Wing moments because "reasons" is not accurate BUT for me it's the same thing and I'm too lazy to change the banner so I won. I WON! Suck it, up. Having said that. This has been a team effort.
01 THE TICKET [7x01]
Bartlet: Look at that tan. I was gonna ask you to come up to the farm for a week but we should come up to you.
CJ: You'd love it, sir. Santa Monica's your kind of town.
Bartlet: Really?
CJ: Not really, no.
Bartlet: Abbey wants a picture of the baby.
Danny: I thought we e-mailed you one.
Bartlet: Something she can tape to the fridge.
Danny: Oh. I’ll see what I can dig up.
02 DEAD IRISH WRITERS [3x15] video
Abbey: Claudia Jean?
CJ: Yes, ma'am?
Abbey: Let's get drunk.
03 MANDATORY MINIMUMS [1x20]
Toby: If you want to be there, you can be there, but this is a serious thing.
Andy: Can I bring my pie?
Toby: Andy.
Andy: I'm just saying it's a serious thing. There might not be any food there.
Toby: Can you walk faster, please? I really don't like to be outdoors this long.
04 GAZA [5x21]
CJ: Explosion in Gaza; the CODEL. Some fatalities.
Josh: Donna?
CJ: It just happened. That's all I know.
05 BARTLET'S THIRD STATE OF THE UNION [2x13]
Joey [Kenny]: Joshua Lyman, you have the cutest little butt in professional politics.
[Josh turns to find Joey standing with a big grin on her face. Next to her is her interpreter, Kenny.]
Josh: Kenny, really, that better been her talking.
06 EPPER SI MOUVE [5x16]
Charlie: I'm crazy for Muppets, I'm just trying to act cool.
07 HE SHALL, FROM TIME TO TIME [1x12]
CJ: Nonetheless, I do seem to have a preoccupation, um, sort of girlish, I suppose, thing, which, um... and please don’t be in any way mislead by anything... in fact, let me put it this way...
Danny: CJ, I'm gonna write about the speech tonight. My paper's gonna want to, you know, see it. Is there any way we can move this along?
CJ: I thought what I'd do is kiss you, you know, on the mouth, then 'd just get past it... I'd just get past it, and I'll be able to give my work the kind of concentration it really deserves.
Danny: Okay.
08 GAME ON [4x06]
Abbey: We'll do mushy later. So, for now, I just got to say I love you so much that my head's going to fly off. But, more importantly, game on, boyfriend! Let's go!
[...]
Charlie: Josh, we need your tie.
Josh: What the hell?!
Charlie: Take it off!
CJ: What happened?
Bartlet: My wife cut it off with scissors.
Josh: Why?
Bartlet: I don't think we have that kind of time, Josh.
09 SIX MEETINGS BEFORE LUNCH [1x18]
Sam: Believe me, if you haven't seen CJ do "The Jackal", then you haven't seen Shakespeare the way it's meant to be done.
10 IN THE SHADOW OF TWO GUNMEN, PART II [2x02]
Donna: I'm Donna Moss, who are you?
Josh: I'm Josh Lyman.
Donna: Ah.
Josh: Yes.
Donna: I'm your new assistant.
Josh: Did I have an old assistant?
Donna: Maybe not.
11 TAKE THIS SABBATH DAY [1x14]
Joey [Kenny]: Are you the unmitigated jackass who has the DNC choking off funding for the O'Dwyer campaign in the California forty-sixth?
Josh: What is God's name is happening right now?
Joey [Kenny]: I'm Joey Lucas.
Josh: [to Kenny] You're Joey Lucas?
[Kenny looks at Joey, then back at Josh.]
Joey [Kenny]: No, I'm Joey Lucas.
Josh: Help me, 'cause I... I don't...
Joey: [yells] You idiot. I'm. Joey. Lucas.
Josh: Ah. [pause] Ah, okay. I'm Josh Lyman.
12 TWENTY FIVE [4x23]
Toby: I didn't realize babies come with hats. You guys crack me up. You don't have jobs, you can't walk or speak the language, you don't have a dollar in your pockets, but you've got yourselves a hat. So everything's fine.
13 20 HOURS IN AMERICA [4x01-4x02]
Bartlet: [on Josh and Toby] Three hundred IQ points between them, they can't find their way home. I swear to God, if Donna wasn't there, they'd have to buy a house.
14 IN THIS WHITE HOUSE [2x04]
Leo: [turning to face them] I wanted to tell you this out where there were people so you wouldn't scream about it.
CJ: Scream about what?
Leo: The woman who was on Capital Beat with Sam Sunday night.
Sam: What about her?
Leo: I'm offering her a job.
Sam: [sharply] Where?
Leo: Here.
CJ: Are you kidding?
Leo: No.
CJ: Are you kidding?
Leo: [more firmly] No.
CJ: [getting louder] Are you kidding?
Leo: No.
CJ: [shrieking] Well, what the hell made you think I wouldn't scream where there are people?!
15 THE STACKHOUSE FILIBUSTER [2x17]
CJ: Tonight I've seen a man with no legs stay standing, Dad, and a guy with no voice keep shouting, and if politics brings out the worst in people, maybe people bring out the best, 'cause I'm looking at the TV right now, and damn if twenty-eight U.S. Senators haven't just walked onto the floor to help.
16 IN GOD WE TRUST [6x20]
Vinick: Whatever happened to the separation of church and state?
Bartlet: It's hanging in there, but I'm afraid the constitution doesn't say anything about the separation of church and politics.
Vinick: You saying that's a good thing?
Bartlet: I'm saying that's the way it is: always has been.
Vinick: You think a voter really needs to know if I go to church?
Bartlet: I don't need to know but then I'm not going to vote for you anyway. It's not up to us to decide what the voters get to use in evaluating us.
Vinick: A little odd coming from someone who wasn't completely open about his health.
Bartlet: That was a big mistake.
17 IN EXCELSIS DEO [1x10]
Donna: You see? You spend most of our time being, you know ... you. Then you write something like this to me ... thank you.
Josh: I meant it.
Donna: Skis would have killed you?
18 TWO CATHEDRALS [2x22]
Bartlet: You're a son-of-a-bitch, you know that? She bought her first new car and you hit her with a drunk driver. What, was that supposed to be funny? "You can't conceive, nor can I, the appalling strangeness of the mercy of God," says Graham Greene. I don't know whose ass he was kissing there 'cause I think you're just vindictive. What was Josh Lyman? A warning shot? That was my son. What did I ever do to yours except praise his glory and praise his name? There's a tropical storm that gaining speed and power. They say we haven't had a storm this bad since you took out that tender ship of mine in the north Atlantic last year, 68 crew. Do you know what a tender ship does? Fixes the other ships. Doesn't even carry guns, just goes around, fixes the other ships and delivers the mail, that's all it can do. Gratias tibi ago, domine. Yes, I lied. It was a sin. I've committed many sins. Have I displeased you, you feckless thug? 3.8 million new jobs, that wasn't good? Bailed out Mexico, increased foreign trade, 30 million new acres of land for conservation, put Mendoza on the bench, we're not fighting a war, I've raised three children... that's not enough to buy me out of the doghouse? Haec credam a deo pio? A deo iusto? A deo scito? Cruciatus in crucem! Tuus in terra servus nuntius fui officium perfeci. Cruciatus in crucem. Eas in crucem!
19 AND IT'S SURELY TO THEIR CREDIT [2x05]
Bartlet: Who cares? It's been 14 weeks! Do these curtains close?
Abbey: Not here, Jed!
Bartlet: Yes. You're right... where?
Abbey: How about our bedroom?
Bartlet: New Hampshire is an hour and a half away by plane, Abbey. I don't think I have that kind of time.
Abbey: How about our bedroom in the residence?
Bartlet: Yes! We have a bedroom right here in the building. That was so smart!
20 THE COLD [7x13] video
Josh: We're tied?
Donna: Nationally.
Josh: Holy Mother of God, we caught him!
Donna: Yes.
21 COLLEGE KIDS [4x03]
CJ: 25 years ago, half of all 18 to 24 year-olds voted. Today it's 25%. 18 to 24 year-olds represent 33% of the population but only account for 7% of the voters. Think government isn't about you? How many of you have student loans to pay? How many have credit-card debt? How many want clean air and clean water and civil liberties? How many want jobs? How many want kids? How many want their kids to go to good schools and walk on safe streets? Decisions are made by those who show up! You gotta rock the vote!
22 BARTLET'S THIRD STATE OF THE UNION [2x13]
Abbey: You made a promise. We made a deal!
[...]
Bartlet: That's not what tonight's...
Abbey: That's ALL that tonight's speech was about. You kicked off your reelection campaign and I'm sitting here eating a sandwich cause we had a deal!
23 THE CALIFORNIA 47TH [4x16]
Andy: Did you just see that?
Toby: Oh, my God. Have you been on the plane the whole time?
Andy: No, I hopped on board when you guys were over the Great Lakes! What the hell...?
Toby: What are you doing here?
Andy: I told you I was coming.
Toby: And I told you you couldn't fly.
Andy: And Dr. Salmi said I could fly through the 32nd week, and I thought since he's my doctor, and you're really dumb, I'd join the Congressional delegation and help out Sam. Isn't it great?
Toby: Listen to me. We've got all kinds of atmospheric cabin pressure up here. We're a little late, so the Colonel's put the hammer down in a 747. You've got windshear, downdraft, massive turbulence, not to mention four giant engines burning jet fuel at galactic temperatures. We're standing in a flying death tube! [turns and sees Donna, Ed and Larry staring] No, not the rest of y-you. It's just my family. It's, it's fine. [to Andy] Look...
Andy: What do you want me to do, step off?
Toby: Also, you've got twins in there. You're basically a minivan. How are you fitting into a seat?
Andy: [to Donna] Ah-ah! I saw him first girls.
24 SIX MEETINGS BEFORE LUNCH [1x18]
Mallory: Dad, I'm sorry, but Sam's asked me to have lunch with him and I need your permission.
Leo: What do you need my permission to have lunch for?
Mallory: Sam?
Sam: She says she always asks her father's permission before she has lunch with fascists.
[...]
Leo: Yes, you may go have lunch with a fascist.
Mallory: Come along, Sam.
Leo: [to Sam] You're doing fine.
Sam: Okay.
25 WHAT KIND OF DAY HAS IT BEEN [1x22]
Gina: Get Down!
26 THE SHORT LIST [1x09]
Danny: Josh said you liked goldfish.
CJ: [out of her laugh] The crackers, Danny. The cheese things that you have at a party?
Danny: Well... You know what, I'm not a hundred percent sure I'm supposed to know that.
CJ: The crackers, Danny.
Danny: Fine. Now I got a goldfish.
CJ: [laughs] Give it to me.
27 INAUGURATION, OVER THERE [4x15]
Josh: It's good cop/bad cop. I'm the good cop; the four of you are the bad cop. Will, what are you?
Will: The bad cop.
Josh: Danny what are you?
Danny: The bad cop.
Josh: Toby, what are you?
Toby: Hurry up.
Josh: Charlie, who are you?
Charlie: I love Zoey, and I must have her back.
Josh: The bad cop, that's right. Here we go.
28 MANDATORY MINIMUMS [1x20]
Josh: I'd like to clear up that I don't have suits for days of the week. This is just a regular suit.
Sam: It's a nice suit.
Donna: Sure it's a nice suit, it's his Joey Lucas suit.
Josh: Donna!
Donna: I'm beginning to regret not getting the waffles.
Leo: I am beginning to regret having hired any of you! We have a 42% job approval and you're talking about waffles and something with Josh I don't understand.
Donna: He's wearing a special suit for Joey Lucas.
Leo: You got dressed up for a guy named Joey?
29 IN THE SHADOW OF TWO GUNMEN, PART II [2x02]
Toby: CJ, you fell into the pool there.
30 PRIVATEERS [4x18]
CJ: Mrs. Cotesworth-Haye, I'm CJ Cregg. I'm the White House Press Secretary. This is Will Bailey our Deputy Communications Director and Amelia Gardner, who's the First Lady's Chief of Staff. And this is her first day as a matter of fact. We're so happy you could take the time to come over so we could talk this through.
Marion: I'm Marion Cotesworth-Haye.
CJ. [starts laughing hysterically] I'm sorry. I was... I was... thinking of this Thing from... this thing that just happened... with the deficit. I'm sorry...
Amy: Oh God. Excuse us. [takes CJ aside] Is this a hazing?
CJ: I swear it's not a hazing. It's real. It's real. I just laughed 'cause of the name. You've got to fix it.
31 17 PEOPLE [2x18]
Josh: I'm just saying--if you were in an accident, I wouldn't stop for a beer.
Donna: If you were in an accident, I wouldn't stop for red lights.
32 SHUTDOWN [5x08]
Leo: Desperate times call for desperate measures. I made a call.
Will: To whom?
CJ: Really?
Leo: Yeah.
Will: Who? Who'd he call?
[...]
Abbey: What the hell you all been doing around here while I've been gone?
33 KING CORN [6x12]
Donna: So, good night.
Josh: Yeah, see you.
34 ABU EL BANET [5x09]
Bartlet: I'm putting together a panel on assisted suicide. If you got any names, medical ethicists.
Abbey: Your position has changed?
Bartlet: Uh-uh... No syringe in the nightstand. It'll get ugly and that's that.
[...]
Bartlet:You gonna be there?
Abbey: Yeah.
35 THE LEADERSHIP BREAKFAST [2x11]
Donna: What was in the bag?
Josh: Your underwear.
Donna: What?
Josh: I'm holding your ... underwear in my hand right now. And the way I know it's your underwear is that your name is sewn in the back, which is obviously something we'll spend some time talking about at a later date.
36 DEBATE CAMP [4x05]
Josh: Why don't you just do your job as a man and get that nice girl pregnant?
Toby: I did.
Josh: Wait, what?
CJ: What?
Toby: Andy's pregnant.
Josh: Toby, Andy's pregnant?
Toby: With twins.
Sam: This is incredible.
Josh: And they're yours?
Toby: Yeah.
Josh: Both of them?
37 SOMEBODY'S GOING TO EMERGENCY, SOMEBODY'S GOING TO JAIL [2x16]
CJ: No cameras.
Toby: You negotiated that?
CJ: Yes.
Toby: They agreed to it?
CJ: Yes. You want to make out with me now, don't you?
Toby: Well, when don't I?
38 MANCHESTER, PART II [3x02]
Abbey: Why won't you talk to me?
Bartlet: Why aren't you with me?
Abbey: How do you know I'm not?
Bartlet: You're not.
Abbey: You're pissed at me?
Bartlet: I'm trying to read here.
Abbey: You're pissed at me! I don't believe it! I don't believe you!
Bartlet: Abbey...
Abbey: I don't believe you. You go from 'I've got a lot to say' to 'I can't say it right now because I've got so much to say' to'I gotta read, I've got agriculture' and 'you're not with me' and go to hell...
Bartlet: Look...
Abbey: Now that's an extraordinary evolution!
Bartlet: Can I go a week without explaining myself?
Abbey: You can go as long as you want without explaining yourself. Read your book.
Bartlet: Sit down, we'll talk about it right now.
Abbey: I'm not in the mood, jackass.
Bartlet: Isn't there any way I could change your mind, 'cause I really had my heart set on it.
Abbey: Go to hell.
39 7A WF 83429 [5x01] video
The very moving final moments of the fifth season premeire as the search for Zoey Bartlet continues. In the situation room, Leo can only watch and wait as the U.S. begins their attack on Qumar on President Walken's orders; leaving for the day, Josh and Donna walk out together and into a public memorial for the president's kidnapped daughter at the south gate; the Bartlet's attend a special mass at their home church. The scenes contrast together while Lisa Gerard's Sanvean plays. -- ladyvader2
40 TAKE THIS SABBATH DAY [1x14]
CJ: I'm back in America now; I have rights. I'm no longer belted down next to the passenger from hell... It was gruesome. If you'll look out the left side of the cabin you'll see the fjords. Then we got a history of the fjords. Then we got a quiz on the fjords. Do you have any idea how much I'd like to dress you up in lederhosen and drop-kick you into a fjord?
41 THE DROP IN [2x12]
Mrs. Landingham: In my day we knew how to protect ourselves.
Leo: Well, in your day you could pretty much turn back the Indians with a Daniel Boone musket, couldn't you?
Mrs. Landingham: Ah, sarcasm, the grumpy man's wit.
Leo: Sharpen a pencil, would you?
42 PROCESS STORIES [4x08]
Abbey: Hello, Mr. President.
Sam: Hey, Mrs. Bartlet.
Abbey: Oh, my God.
Bartlet: Yeah, look, honey, Sam stopped by.
Abbey: Hi, Sam.
Sam: Hi.
Bartlet: Eyes front, mister.
43 ARCTIC RADAR [4x10]
Josh: Shut up.
Amy: You shut up.
Leo: [arriving] Oh, God help me, some days.
44 POSSE COMITATUS [3x22]
CJ: I tried to kiss you.
Simon: You said you didn't!
CJ: I was lying, you idiot.
45 WELCOME TO WHEREVER YOU ARE [7x15]
Molly: I'm a baseball player.
Toby: I can see that. She's an Oriole.
Andy: Yeah.
Toby: What happened to all the Yankees stuff I've bought.
Andy: She likes the little bird.
Huck: Hi daddy.
Toby: Hi Huck, come here. Well look at you.
Andy: He likes what she likes.
46 HERE TODAY [7x05]
Helen: Come on, the headphone thing should be a plus. You hate in when I get loud.
Santos: You're just going to get louder. You're not going to fool me.
Helen: I thought you liked it when I got loud.
Santos: In this, as in all things, context is king.
Helen: Fine.
[She sticks out her tongue as she lays her seat back.]
47 WE KILLED YAMAMOTO [3x20]
Josh: Buttercup? You getting enough iron in your diet? You getting too much?
Amy: Exactly the right amount. Sunday with my man.
Josh: Quite a bit of Sunday with your man.
[...]
Amy: Why have I been dancing?
Josh: Nobody really knows.
48 BARTLET FOR AMERICA [3x09]
Leo: [covering his mic, and to Jordan] Listen, I'm going to talk a little and you nod and talk a little bit back to me.
Jordan: What are you doing?
Leo: That's good.
Jordan: I'm really asking you.
Leo: I think Rathburn's being a little snotty I think he's going to have to wait and I think he's going to have to wait with the camera on me.
Rathburn: Mr. McGarry.
Leo: One second, please. [to Jordan] Listen, what are you doing for lunch?
Jordan: I don't know.
Leo: Because I thought maybe we could have lunch or something.
Jordan: Leo, you've got to answer the question.
49 MANCHESTER, PART II [3x02]
CJ: There's a snake over there.
Sam: What kind?
CJ: I don't know and I don't want to ask him. Can somebody shoot it, please?
Sam: Probably a garter snake.
Bartlet: It's a garter snake. Don't worry about it.
CJ: Okay.
50 TRANSITION [07x19 ]
Helen: Time for a little incursion?
Santos: Not even for a surgical strike.
Helen: I had in mind more of shock and awe.
Santos: Oh, yeah? After 15 years of marriage I'd be shocked if you were awed.
BONUS: THE WORD "JACKASS"
Josh: I really think I'm the best judge of what I mean, you paranoid Berkeley shiksa feminista! Whoa. That was way too far.
CJ: No, no. Well, I've got a staff meeting to go to and so do you, you elitist, Harvard fascist missed-the-Dean's-list-two-semesters-in-a-row Yankee jackass!
[1x03: A Proportional Response]
Frat Boy #3: You know, I ain't done with you, Sammy.
Charlie: My name is Charlie Young, jackass.
[1x06: Mr. Willis of Ohio]
Bartlet: What are you, my Zen master? Can I be in charge of my own mind?!
Abbey: Let me tell you something, jackass!
[2x14: The War at Home]
Bartlet: Sit down, we'll talk about it right now.
Abbey: I'm not in the mood, jackass.
[3x02: Manchester]
Abbey: Here we go. Awasiwi Odinak. Far from the things of man. When Jed first took me to his house, which was 25 miles from anywhere, he said, "Awasiwi Odinak. Far from the things of man." What a jackass.
[3x15: Dead Irish Writers]
Abbey: The wine...is a '95 Old Vine Zinfandel from Hog Cellars, which once belonged to King Baudouin of Belgium and is best sipped while making anagrams out of the phrase "My husband's an enourmous jackass."
[3x15: Dead Irish Writers]
Abbey: Did Josh have a nutty on the campaign hiring?
Amy: He's, you know, he's adjusting.
Abbey: Well, let him adjust faster. Jackass.
[3x15: Dead Irish Writers]
Amy: Thank you for forgiving me, Josh. I appreciate that.
Josh: No problem.
Amy: [under her breath] Jackass.
[3x15: Dead Irish Writers]
Abbey: You don't think it's going to be a problem?
Bartlet: No.
Abbey: Then get off my back, jackass.
[4x02: 20 Hours in America]
CJ: Stop trying to get us together, okay? If I wanted Danny, I could have him. And he's still a jackass.
[4x14: Inauguration, Part I]
01 THE TICKET [7x01]
Bartlet: Look at that tan. I was gonna ask you to come up to the farm for a week but we should come up to you.
CJ: You'd love it, sir. Santa Monica's your kind of town.
Bartlet: Really?
CJ: Not really, no.
Bartlet: Abbey wants a picture of the baby.
Danny: I thought we e-mailed you one.
Bartlet: Something she can tape to the fridge.
Danny: Oh. I’ll see what I can dig up.
02 DEAD IRISH WRITERS [3x15] video
Abbey: Claudia Jean?
CJ: Yes, ma'am?
Abbey: Let's get drunk.
03 MANDATORY MINIMUMS [1x20]
Toby: If you want to be there, you can be there, but this is a serious thing.
Andy: Can I bring my pie?
Toby: Andy.
Andy: I'm just saying it's a serious thing. There might not be any food there.
Toby: Can you walk faster, please? I really don't like to be outdoors this long.
04 GAZA [5x21]
CJ: Explosion in Gaza; the CODEL. Some fatalities.
Josh: Donna?
CJ: It just happened. That's all I know.
05 BARTLET'S THIRD STATE OF THE UNION [2x13]
Joey [Kenny]: Joshua Lyman, you have the cutest little butt in professional politics.
[Josh turns to find Joey standing with a big grin on her face. Next to her is her interpreter, Kenny.]
Josh: Kenny, really, that better been her talking.
06 EPPER SI MOUVE [5x16]
Charlie: I'm crazy for Muppets, I'm just trying to act cool.
07 HE SHALL, FROM TIME TO TIME [1x12]
CJ: Nonetheless, I do seem to have a preoccupation, um, sort of girlish, I suppose, thing, which, um... and please don’t be in any way mislead by anything... in fact, let me put it this way...
Danny: CJ, I'm gonna write about the speech tonight. My paper's gonna want to, you know, see it. Is there any way we can move this along?
CJ: I thought what I'd do is kiss you, you know, on the mouth, then 'd just get past it... I'd just get past it, and I'll be able to give my work the kind of concentration it really deserves.
Danny: Okay.
08 GAME ON [4x06]
Abbey: We'll do mushy later. So, for now, I just got to say I love you so much that my head's going to fly off. But, more importantly, game on, boyfriend! Let's go!
[...]
Charlie: Josh, we need your tie.
Josh: What the hell?!
Charlie: Take it off!
CJ: What happened?
Bartlet: My wife cut it off with scissors.
Josh: Why?
Bartlet: I don't think we have that kind of time, Josh.
09 SIX MEETINGS BEFORE LUNCH [1x18]
Sam: Believe me, if you haven't seen CJ do "The Jackal", then you haven't seen Shakespeare the way it's meant to be done.
10 IN THE SHADOW OF TWO GUNMEN, PART II [2x02]
Donna: I'm Donna Moss, who are you?
Josh: I'm Josh Lyman.
Donna: Ah.
Josh: Yes.
Donna: I'm your new assistant.
Josh: Did I have an old assistant?
Donna: Maybe not.
11 TAKE THIS SABBATH DAY [1x14]
Joey [Kenny]: Are you the unmitigated jackass who has the DNC choking off funding for the O'Dwyer campaign in the California forty-sixth?
Josh: What is God's name is happening right now?
Joey [Kenny]: I'm Joey Lucas.
Josh: [to Kenny] You're Joey Lucas?
[Kenny looks at Joey, then back at Josh.]
Joey [Kenny]: No, I'm Joey Lucas.
Josh: Help me, 'cause I... I don't...
Joey: [yells] You idiot. I'm. Joey. Lucas.
Josh: Ah. [pause] Ah, okay. I'm Josh Lyman.
12 TWENTY FIVE [4x23]
Toby: I didn't realize babies come with hats. You guys crack me up. You don't have jobs, you can't walk or speak the language, you don't have a dollar in your pockets, but you've got yourselves a hat. So everything's fine.
13 20 HOURS IN AMERICA [4x01-4x02]
Bartlet: [on Josh and Toby] Three hundred IQ points between them, they can't find their way home. I swear to God, if Donna wasn't there, they'd have to buy a house.
14 IN THIS WHITE HOUSE [2x04]
Leo: [turning to face them] I wanted to tell you this out where there were people so you wouldn't scream about it.
CJ: Scream about what?
Leo: The woman who was on Capital Beat with Sam Sunday night.
Sam: What about her?
Leo: I'm offering her a job.
Sam: [sharply] Where?
Leo: Here.
CJ: Are you kidding?
Leo: No.
CJ: Are you kidding?
Leo: [more firmly] No.
CJ: [getting louder] Are you kidding?
Leo: No.
CJ: [shrieking] Well, what the hell made you think I wouldn't scream where there are people?!
15 THE STACKHOUSE FILIBUSTER [2x17]
CJ: Tonight I've seen a man with no legs stay standing, Dad, and a guy with no voice keep shouting, and if politics brings out the worst in people, maybe people bring out the best, 'cause I'm looking at the TV right now, and damn if twenty-eight U.S. Senators haven't just walked onto the floor to help.
16 IN GOD WE TRUST [6x20]
Vinick: Whatever happened to the separation of church and state?
Bartlet: It's hanging in there, but I'm afraid the constitution doesn't say anything about the separation of church and politics.
Vinick: You saying that's a good thing?
Bartlet: I'm saying that's the way it is: always has been.
Vinick: You think a voter really needs to know if I go to church?
Bartlet: I don't need to know but then I'm not going to vote for you anyway. It's not up to us to decide what the voters get to use in evaluating us.
Vinick: A little odd coming from someone who wasn't completely open about his health.
Bartlet: That was a big mistake.
17 IN EXCELSIS DEO [1x10]
Donna: You see? You spend most of our time being, you know ... you. Then you write something like this to me ... thank you.
Josh: I meant it.
Donna: Skis would have killed you?
18 TWO CATHEDRALS [2x22]
Bartlet: You're a son-of-a-bitch, you know that? She bought her first new car and you hit her with a drunk driver. What, was that supposed to be funny? "You can't conceive, nor can I, the appalling strangeness of the mercy of God," says Graham Greene. I don't know whose ass he was kissing there 'cause I think you're just vindictive. What was Josh Lyman? A warning shot? That was my son. What did I ever do to yours except praise his glory and praise his name? There's a tropical storm that gaining speed and power. They say we haven't had a storm this bad since you took out that tender ship of mine in the north Atlantic last year, 68 crew. Do you know what a tender ship does? Fixes the other ships. Doesn't even carry guns, just goes around, fixes the other ships and delivers the mail, that's all it can do. Gratias tibi ago, domine. Yes, I lied. It was a sin. I've committed many sins. Have I displeased you, you feckless thug? 3.8 million new jobs, that wasn't good? Bailed out Mexico, increased foreign trade, 30 million new acres of land for conservation, put Mendoza on the bench, we're not fighting a war, I've raised three children... that's not enough to buy me out of the doghouse? Haec credam a deo pio? A deo iusto? A deo scito? Cruciatus in crucem! Tuus in terra servus nuntius fui officium perfeci. Cruciatus in crucem. Eas in crucem!
19 AND IT'S SURELY TO THEIR CREDIT [2x05]
Bartlet: Who cares? It's been 14 weeks! Do these curtains close?
Abbey: Not here, Jed!
Bartlet: Yes. You're right... where?
Abbey: How about our bedroom?
Bartlet: New Hampshire is an hour and a half away by plane, Abbey. I don't think I have that kind of time.
Abbey: How about our bedroom in the residence?
Bartlet: Yes! We have a bedroom right here in the building. That was so smart!
20 THE COLD [7x13] video
Josh: We're tied?
Donna: Nationally.
Josh: Holy Mother of God, we caught him!
Donna: Yes.
21 COLLEGE KIDS [4x03]
CJ: 25 years ago, half of all 18 to 24 year-olds voted. Today it's 25%. 18 to 24 year-olds represent 33% of the population but only account for 7% of the voters. Think government isn't about you? How many of you have student loans to pay? How many have credit-card debt? How many want clean air and clean water and civil liberties? How many want jobs? How many want kids? How many want their kids to go to good schools and walk on safe streets? Decisions are made by those who show up! You gotta rock the vote!
22 BARTLET'S THIRD STATE OF THE UNION [2x13]
Abbey: You made a promise. We made a deal!
[...]
Bartlet: That's not what tonight's...
Abbey: That's ALL that tonight's speech was about. You kicked off your reelection campaign and I'm sitting here eating a sandwich cause we had a deal!
23 THE CALIFORNIA 47TH [4x16]
Andy: Did you just see that?
Toby: Oh, my God. Have you been on the plane the whole time?
Andy: No, I hopped on board when you guys were over the Great Lakes! What the hell...?
Toby: What are you doing here?
Andy: I told you I was coming.
Toby: And I told you you couldn't fly.
Andy: And Dr. Salmi said I could fly through the 32nd week, and I thought since he's my doctor, and you're really dumb, I'd join the Congressional delegation and help out Sam. Isn't it great?
Toby: Listen to me. We've got all kinds of atmospheric cabin pressure up here. We're a little late, so the Colonel's put the hammer down in a 747. You've got windshear, downdraft, massive turbulence, not to mention four giant engines burning jet fuel at galactic temperatures. We're standing in a flying death tube! [turns and sees Donna, Ed and Larry staring] No, not the rest of y-you. It's just my family. It's, it's fine. [to Andy] Look...
Andy: What do you want me to do, step off?
Toby: Also, you've got twins in there. You're basically a minivan. How are you fitting into a seat?
Andy: [to Donna] Ah-ah! I saw him first girls.
24 SIX MEETINGS BEFORE LUNCH [1x18]
Mallory: Dad, I'm sorry, but Sam's asked me to have lunch with him and I need your permission.
Leo: What do you need my permission to have lunch for?
Mallory: Sam?
Sam: She says she always asks her father's permission before she has lunch with fascists.
[...]
Leo: Yes, you may go have lunch with a fascist.
Mallory: Come along, Sam.
Leo: [to Sam] You're doing fine.
Sam: Okay.
25 WHAT KIND OF DAY HAS IT BEEN [1x22]
Gina: Get Down!
26 THE SHORT LIST [1x09]
Danny: Josh said you liked goldfish.
CJ: [out of her laugh] The crackers, Danny. The cheese things that you have at a party?
Danny: Well... You know what, I'm not a hundred percent sure I'm supposed to know that.
CJ: The crackers, Danny.
Danny: Fine. Now I got a goldfish.
CJ: [laughs] Give it to me.
27 INAUGURATION, OVER THERE [4x15]
Josh: It's good cop/bad cop. I'm the good cop; the four of you are the bad cop. Will, what are you?
Will: The bad cop.
Josh: Danny what are you?
Danny: The bad cop.
Josh: Toby, what are you?
Toby: Hurry up.
Josh: Charlie, who are you?
Charlie: I love Zoey, and I must have her back.
Josh: The bad cop, that's right. Here we go.
28 MANDATORY MINIMUMS [1x20]
Josh: I'd like to clear up that I don't have suits for days of the week. This is just a regular suit.
Sam: It's a nice suit.
Donna: Sure it's a nice suit, it's his Joey Lucas suit.
Josh: Donna!
Donna: I'm beginning to regret not getting the waffles.
Leo: I am beginning to regret having hired any of you! We have a 42% job approval and you're talking about waffles and something with Josh I don't understand.
Donna: He's wearing a special suit for Joey Lucas.
Leo: You got dressed up for a guy named Joey?
29 IN THE SHADOW OF TWO GUNMEN, PART II [2x02]
Toby: CJ, you fell into the pool there.
30 PRIVATEERS [4x18]
CJ: Mrs. Cotesworth-Haye, I'm CJ Cregg. I'm the White House Press Secretary. This is Will Bailey our Deputy Communications Director and Amelia Gardner, who's the First Lady's Chief of Staff. And this is her first day as a matter of fact. We're so happy you could take the time to come over so we could talk this through.
Marion: I'm Marion Cotesworth-Haye.
CJ. [starts laughing hysterically] I'm sorry. I was... I was... thinking of this Thing from... this thing that just happened... with the deficit. I'm sorry...
Amy: Oh God. Excuse us. [takes CJ aside] Is this a hazing?
CJ: I swear it's not a hazing. It's real. It's real. I just laughed 'cause of the name. You've got to fix it.
31 17 PEOPLE [2x18]
Josh: I'm just saying--if you were in an accident, I wouldn't stop for a beer.
Donna: If you were in an accident, I wouldn't stop for red lights.
32 SHUTDOWN [5x08]
Leo: Desperate times call for desperate measures. I made a call.
Will: To whom?
CJ: Really?
Leo: Yeah.
Will: Who? Who'd he call?
[...]
Abbey: What the hell you all been doing around here while I've been gone?
33 KING CORN [6x12]
Donna: So, good night.
Josh: Yeah, see you.
34 ABU EL BANET [5x09]
Bartlet: I'm putting together a panel on assisted suicide. If you got any names, medical ethicists.
Abbey: Your position has changed?
Bartlet: Uh-uh... No syringe in the nightstand. It'll get ugly and that's that.
[...]
Bartlet:You gonna be there?
Abbey: Yeah.
35 THE LEADERSHIP BREAKFAST [2x11]
Donna: What was in the bag?
Josh: Your underwear.
Donna: What?
Josh: I'm holding your ... underwear in my hand right now. And the way I know it's your underwear is that your name is sewn in the back, which is obviously something we'll spend some time talking about at a later date.
36 DEBATE CAMP [4x05]
Josh: Why don't you just do your job as a man and get that nice girl pregnant?
Toby: I did.
Josh: Wait, what?
CJ: What?
Toby: Andy's pregnant.
Josh: Toby, Andy's pregnant?
Toby: With twins.
Sam: This is incredible.
Josh: And they're yours?
Toby: Yeah.
Josh: Both of them?
37 SOMEBODY'S GOING TO EMERGENCY, SOMEBODY'S GOING TO JAIL [2x16]
CJ: No cameras.
Toby: You negotiated that?
CJ: Yes.
Toby: They agreed to it?
CJ: Yes. You want to make out with me now, don't you?
Toby: Well, when don't I?
38 MANCHESTER, PART II [3x02]
Abbey: Why won't you talk to me?
Bartlet: Why aren't you with me?
Abbey: How do you know I'm not?
Bartlet: You're not.
Abbey: You're pissed at me?
Bartlet: I'm trying to read here.
Abbey: You're pissed at me! I don't believe it! I don't believe you!
Bartlet: Abbey...
Abbey: I don't believe you. You go from 'I've got a lot to say' to 'I can't say it right now because I've got so much to say' to'I gotta read, I've got agriculture' and 'you're not with me' and go to hell...
Bartlet: Look...
Abbey: Now that's an extraordinary evolution!
Bartlet: Can I go a week without explaining myself?
Abbey: You can go as long as you want without explaining yourself. Read your book.
Bartlet: Sit down, we'll talk about it right now.
Abbey: I'm not in the mood, jackass.
Bartlet: Isn't there any way I could change your mind, 'cause I really had my heart set on it.
Abbey: Go to hell.
39 7A WF 83429 [5x01] video
The very moving final moments of the fifth season premeire as the search for Zoey Bartlet continues. In the situation room, Leo can only watch and wait as the U.S. begins their attack on Qumar on President Walken's orders; leaving for the day, Josh and Donna walk out together and into a public memorial for the president's kidnapped daughter at the south gate; the Bartlet's attend a special mass at their home church. The scenes contrast together while Lisa Gerard's Sanvean plays. -- ladyvader2
40 TAKE THIS SABBATH DAY [1x14]
CJ: I'm back in America now; I have rights. I'm no longer belted down next to the passenger from hell... It was gruesome. If you'll look out the left side of the cabin you'll see the fjords. Then we got a history of the fjords. Then we got a quiz on the fjords. Do you have any idea how much I'd like to dress you up in lederhosen and drop-kick you into a fjord?
41 THE DROP IN [2x12]
Mrs. Landingham: In my day we knew how to protect ourselves.
Leo: Well, in your day you could pretty much turn back the Indians with a Daniel Boone musket, couldn't you?
Mrs. Landingham: Ah, sarcasm, the grumpy man's wit.
Leo: Sharpen a pencil, would you?
42 PROCESS STORIES [4x08]
Abbey: Hello, Mr. President.
Sam: Hey, Mrs. Bartlet.
Abbey: Oh, my God.
Bartlet: Yeah, look, honey, Sam stopped by.
Abbey: Hi, Sam.
Sam: Hi.
Bartlet: Eyes front, mister.
43 ARCTIC RADAR [4x10]
Josh: Shut up.
Amy: You shut up.
Leo: [arriving] Oh, God help me, some days.
44 POSSE COMITATUS [3x22]
CJ: I tried to kiss you.
Simon: You said you didn't!
CJ: I was lying, you idiot.
45 WELCOME TO WHEREVER YOU ARE [7x15]
Molly: I'm a baseball player.
Toby: I can see that. She's an Oriole.
Andy: Yeah.
Toby: What happened to all the Yankees stuff I've bought.
Andy: She likes the little bird.
Huck: Hi daddy.
Toby: Hi Huck, come here. Well look at you.
Andy: He likes what she likes.
46 HERE TODAY [7x05]
Helen: Come on, the headphone thing should be a plus. You hate in when I get loud.
Santos: You're just going to get louder. You're not going to fool me.
Helen: I thought you liked it when I got loud.
Santos: In this, as in all things, context is king.
Helen: Fine.
[She sticks out her tongue as she lays her seat back.]
47 WE KILLED YAMAMOTO [3x20]
Josh: Buttercup? You getting enough iron in your diet? You getting too much?
Amy: Exactly the right amount. Sunday with my man.
Josh: Quite a bit of Sunday with your man.
[...]
Amy: Why have I been dancing?
Josh: Nobody really knows.
48 BARTLET FOR AMERICA [3x09]
Leo: [covering his mic, and to Jordan] Listen, I'm going to talk a little and you nod and talk a little bit back to me.
Jordan: What are you doing?
Leo: That's good.
Jordan: I'm really asking you.
Leo: I think Rathburn's being a little snotty I think he's going to have to wait and I think he's going to have to wait with the camera on me.
Rathburn: Mr. McGarry.
Leo: One second, please. [to Jordan] Listen, what are you doing for lunch?
Jordan: I don't know.
Leo: Because I thought maybe we could have lunch or something.
Jordan: Leo, you've got to answer the question.
49 MANCHESTER, PART II [3x02]
CJ: There's a snake over there.
Sam: What kind?
CJ: I don't know and I don't want to ask him. Can somebody shoot it, please?
Sam: Probably a garter snake.
Bartlet: It's a garter snake. Don't worry about it.
CJ: Okay.
50 TRANSITION [07x19 ]
Helen: Time for a little incursion?
Santos: Not even for a surgical strike.
Helen: I had in mind more of shock and awe.
Santos: Oh, yeah? After 15 years of marriage I'd be shocked if you were awed.
BONUS: THE WORD "JACKASS"
Josh: I really think I'm the best judge of what I mean, you paranoid Berkeley shiksa feminista! Whoa. That was way too far.
CJ: No, no. Well, I've got a staff meeting to go to and so do you, you elitist, Harvard fascist missed-the-Dean's-list-two-semesters-in-a-row Yankee jackass!
[1x03: A Proportional Response]
Frat Boy #3: You know, I ain't done with you, Sammy.
Charlie: My name is Charlie Young, jackass.
[1x06: Mr. Willis of Ohio]
Bartlet: What are you, my Zen master? Can I be in charge of my own mind?!
Abbey: Let me tell you something, jackass!
[2x14: The War at Home]
Bartlet: Sit down, we'll talk about it right now.
Abbey: I'm not in the mood, jackass.
[3x02: Manchester]
Abbey: Here we go. Awasiwi Odinak. Far from the things of man. When Jed first took me to his house, which was 25 miles from anywhere, he said, "Awasiwi Odinak. Far from the things of man." What a jackass.
[3x15: Dead Irish Writers]
Abbey: The wine...is a '95 Old Vine Zinfandel from Hog Cellars, which once belonged to King Baudouin of Belgium and is best sipped while making anagrams out of the phrase "My husband's an enourmous jackass."
[3x15: Dead Irish Writers]
Abbey: Did Josh have a nutty on the campaign hiring?
Amy: He's, you know, he's adjusting.
Abbey: Well, let him adjust faster. Jackass.
[3x15: Dead Irish Writers]
Amy: Thank you for forgiving me, Josh. I appreciate that.
Josh: No problem.
Amy: [under her breath] Jackass.
[3x15: Dead Irish Writers]
Abbey: You don't think it's going to be a problem?
Bartlet: No.
Abbey: Then get off my back, jackass.
[4x02: 20 Hours in America]
CJ: Stop trying to get us together, okay? If I wanted Danny, I could have him. And he's still a jackass.
[4x14: Inauguration, Part I]