Fic: Doubts and Insecurities

[stillxmyxheart]

Title: Doubts and Insecurities
Author: Mary (stillxmyxheart)
Beta: Lindsay (nylana)
Rating: PG-13 (language)
Genre: Drama, Angst
Word Count: 4,169
Characters/Pairings: Evan, Penny, Simon, Harrison, Alex, Whitman, April, Sam (Evan/Penny, Simon/April, Sam/April)
Summary: If you think your relationship has issues, try handling one post-apocalypse.


Evan's whistle rang out through the gym as he strode quickly onto the court.

"Stevens, what the hell was that?" he said.

"What do you mean?" the boy asked, brushing his shaggy brown hair out of his face.

"I told you to go to that side and cover Owens, not hang around in the back."

Stevens frowned, glancing over at one of his teammates before shaking his head.

"That's not what you said to do, Coach."

Evan raised his eyebrows, ignoring the sound of someone calling his name.

"I'm pretty sure I know what I told you to do, maybe you're just having issues listening today. Is that it?"

"No, sir, I was just saying-"

"Everybody gets to do laps on account of Stevens' inability to listen," Evan announced to the team assembled before him. "Don't stop until you hear this whistle."

When the boys didn't immediately move, he glared at them all and blew a short burst. "Now!"

They took off, shoes squeaking against the floor of the basketball court.

Somebody was still calling his name and he whirled around, spotting one of the office workers standing at the top of the stairs that led into the school proper.

"What?" he shouted, annoyed by the interruption.

"Harper wants to see you."

"Tell him I'll be there when practice is over."

"He said now."

Evan sighed, his irritation mounting, and gestured to the assistant coach to take over as he headed for the stairs.

He walked quickly down the hallway, his whistle thudding against his chest, and wondered why the principal wanted to see him, and why it couldn't wait until tomorrow.

He rapped on the door with his knuckles and entered the principal's office.

Stanley Harper sat behind his desk, a well-built man in his forties with jet black hair only just beginning to show a touch of gray at the temples; his eyes were an icy blue that seemed cold until he smiled. He was an intimidating figure to behold and had quite a temper when provoked, but he was also one of the fairest men that Evan knew and he had a great deal of respect for him.

"What's up, Stan?" Evan asked as he stepped towards the desk.

Stan smiled at him and gestured to a chair. "Have a seat."

Evan reluctantly complied. Despite how much he liked his boss, he didn't particularly want to be in his office right now.

"How are things going with you these days?" Stan asked as he leaned back in his chair, his fingers playing restlessly with a pen.

"Fine, I guess," Evan replied, shrugging his shoulders. Nothing could be further from the truth, of course, but his problems weren't the kind he could just share with anybody.

"Sure about that?"

"What's this about?" Evan asked, wondering if he was about to reprimanded for something.

"You've been a bit on edge the past week, snapping at the other teachers, at the students. And you sent Katie Overton to my office today."

Evan sighed. "She was talking during class."

"She said you yelled at her pretty good-"

"I didn't yell-"

"You made her cry, Evan."

Evan fell silent and a hot feeling of guilt settled into his stomach. Stan studied him with those intense eyes.

"I don't like students crying in my office, even when they're here for something real, and I especially don't like students crying because their teacher yelled at them for something as trivial as talking during class. From what she told me, she was asking to borrow a pencil."

Evan sighed again. "I'm sorry."

"I'm not the one you should be apologizing to."

Evan nodded and started to speak but Stan cut him off.

"These kids like you a lot, Evan. They've voted you Teacher of the Year every year since you started working here. Students come into the registrar's office every semester, wanting to switch out of the Phys Ed class they've been assigned just to be put into yours. You've got a damn good reputation that I would think you wouldn't want to screw up, so what the hell is your problem? This seems like a lot more than a case of the Mondays."

Evan didn't answer right away, staring at the nameplate on Stan's desk. He'd love nothing more than to get this weight from his chest, to tell somebody what was going on if only so he would have somebody to talk to, but he couldn't tell. The implications of the press catching wind of the situation with Penny were far too great, and he would never be the one to put her in that kind of danger.

"There's just some personal stuff going on right now. I didn't realize it was affecting me so much."

"Fair enough. Go home, kiss your wife, and try to relax. And don't come in tomorrow."

Evan looked up sharply. "Are you firing me?"

"Of course not. But I don't need you walking around here like some burnout, scaring hell out of the students and pissing off your coworkers. Take the week if you think you need it, but definitely take tomorrow."

Evan nodded, not really in the mood to argue, and left the office, heading back to the gym to grab his bag before he headed for home.

He paused at the door to the apartment, touching his fingers to the knob. He was almost positive that Penny would be just as weepy and emotional as she had been ever since she'd found out she was pregnant and part of him didn't want to face it. He thought about turning around and leaving, thought about spending the rest of the afternoon and much of the evening in the bar on the corner, thought about being a coward.

And then he thought of Penny's face and how much she needed him and how much he loved her and knew he couldn't abandon her. With a sigh bordering on resignation he pushed open the door, stepping into the apartment.

"Pen?" he called as he dropped his bag on the floor, shoving it against the wall with his foot.

"In the kitchen."

He shrugged off his jacket and tossed it over the back of a chair as he walked to the kitchen.

"You're home early," Penny said as he approached, her eyes on the hamburger she was browning on the stove.

"Yeah," Evan said, sighing as he slipped an arm around her waist, kissing her temple. "What're you making?"

"Spaghetti. It was the only thing that didn't make me nauseous at the thought of eating it." She stepped away to drain the meat and then dumped it into the large pot waiting on another burner, adding the tomato sauce and turning on the heat.

"Bit early for dinner," Evan murmured.

"I was hungry. You don't have to eat it now if you don't want to." She gave the sauce a stir before placing the spoon on the stove and moving into the living room.

Evan stood a moment, thought of grabbing a beer from the fridge and instead followed Penny into the living room, sitting beside her on the couch.

"He's going to fix this," Evan said quietly, hating how much he sounded like a broken record these days. "He's been interviewing all those doctors and scientists; he's got to be close to getting the research team together."

Penny shook her head. "It's not that."

Evan looked at her, surprised. "It's not?"

"I've been feeling so guilty lately."

This was such an unexpected admission that Evan was silent a minute.

"Guilty about what?" he finally asked.

"I stole that pregnancy test from April. I've never stolen anything before."

Penny looked so stricken over this and Evan stared at her, unable to stop the snort of laughter that escaped him.

Penny looked at him sharply. "Did you just laugh?"

"I'm sorry, Pen, but I can't help it," he said, a small grin touching his lips. "With everything that's going on right now, that's what you're worried about? Stealing a pregnancy test?"

His grin widened and Penny's face softened, her lips curving slowly upward.

"I mean, if you're that worried about it, call April up and apologize, but I don't think she really cares."

"I guess not," Penny said and she laughed very softly. "I'm just being stupid, aren't I?"

Evan shook his head as he leaned forward, pressing his lips to Penny's forehead.

"Not stupid. Just a bit loopy."

Penny gave him a look and he grinned at her again, kissing her lips gently.

"I'm gonna go take a shower and lay down for a bit, okay? I'll eat later."

Penny nodded and Evan kissed her again before he headed into the bedroom.

Penny watched him go, thinking about what he'd been saying for the past several months, long before she became pregnant: He'll fix this.

She had the utmost faith in her father and loved him more than she thought most daughters loved their fathers, but lately she'd been feeling doubtful.

Fixing skinned knees and broken hearts was one thing, but this was so much bigger than all of that and she found herself questioning more and more every day the idea that her father would be able to fix this problem too.

These shreds of doubt made her feel like a bad daughter and so she kept them to herself, tried not to let on that she felt them, and knew she'd hold them inside until the day she died.

She shivered as she stood, wondering silently how close she was to that day.

Simon scrawled his name on the sign in sheet Thursday afternoon, shoving it back across the counter and accepting his sidearm. He snapped it into the holster on his belt and nodded at the agent behind the counter as he turned to leave.

"Oh, Simon, wait. The boss needs to see you, said for you to come to his office as soon as your shift started."

"Which boss?"

"The big boss."

Simon frowned a little. "Why does he want to see me?"

"No idea. I assume it's your ears only."

Simon considered this a moment and then nodded. "Right. Thanks."

He made his way through the corridors to Harrison's office, adjusting his earpiece and wondering why he had been summoned. He rapped on Harrison's door and then pushed it slowly open, stepping in the large office.

The president was behind his desk, talking to a red-headed woman seated in one of the chairs, and he looked up as Simon entered, waving him over.

"Perfect timing," he said, standing and walked around the desk. The red-headed woman stood as well, turning towards Simon and fixing him with a pair of bright blue eyes.

"Simon, this is Dr. Alexandra McKay, the scientist I've picked to head the research team. Dr. McKay, this is Simon Gates, one of our best Secret Service agents."

"Call me Alex," the woman said, smiling warmly as she extended her hand to Simon. He nodded at her as he shook her hand, offering her a brief smile that he hoped didn't seem unfriendly.

Harrison gestured to the chairs and the three of them sat.

"Alex has been doing preliminary research on the problem we're facing, though for various reasons she's not been able to get far. She's got some excellent ideas, though, and I think we may finally have a chance at understanding and maybe even beating this thing."

"That's what I'm hoping, anyway," Alex said modestly, tucking her hair behind her ears.

There was a beat of silence and then Simon shifted in his seat, clearing his throat.

"That's really great, but why-"

"Why are you here?" Harrison finished. "As I'm sure you're more than aware, the decision to spend money on researching this problem has proven to be surprisingly controversial. As such, I worry for the safety of Alex, as the lead researcher. I wanted to offer you the job of protecting her."

Simon stared at Harrison uncertainly, unable to formulate a response.

"Alex, could you excuse us? I want to talk to Simon alone. Nathan should be right outside."

Alex nodded and stood, her heels thudding dully on the carpet as she walked to the door. Nathan's voice sounded briefly when the door opened, then silence descended again as the door clicked shut.

"Can I ask why, sir?" Simon said.

"I wasn't lying when I said you were one of the best agents. If I can trust anyone to keep her safe, it's you."

"What about the rest of the research team? I'm only one person."

"There will be a small envoy of agents under you, but you yourself will be in charge of Alex."

Simon looked down at his hands a moment, not feeling very much like the best of anything.

"I don't know that I'm really the best person for the job, sir."

"Then let me tell you the other reason I want you to do it: you need to get away," Harrison said frankly, leaning forward in his seat and clasping his hands in front of him.

Simon looked up at him, surprised.

"Simon, I've known you almost your entire life. Your father is one of my best friends. I know the stress you've been under lately and I think the best thing for you right now would be to get away, to focus on doing your job."

Simon was silent a moment. There was something very appealing about the thought of just getting away for a while but a twinge of uncertainty continued to tug at him.

"Can I think about it, sir?" he said finally.

"Of course you can, but I'll need your decision before the end of your shift."

Simon nodded and stood, heading for the door and hoping that Alex wasn't still in the hallway. He didn't want her to think she was the reason he was reluctant to take the job.

He started down the hall, lost in his thoughts, and heard a voice behind him.

"Daddy get you another promotion?"

Simon glanced back, scowling when he saw Whitman a few paces behind him. He moved to continue down the hall and Whitman spoke again.

"You're looking rough, Gates. I heard April kicked you out, is that true?"

Simon closed his eyes, his hands clenching into fists at his side as he tried to keep himself under control.

"Only a matter of time before you fall off the wagon again, but don't worry. I'll be there to catch her when you do."

Simon turned on his heel, all thoughts of maintaining his control forgotten as he strode towards Whitman. His fist connected with the other man's jaw and he shoved him to the wall, one arm pressed against his neck. The surprise that flashed across Whitman's face was quickly replaced with a smirk.

"You stay the fuck away from her, do you hear me?" Simon said in a low voice, his face mere inches from Whitman's.

"And if I don't?"

Simon shook his head. "You think you know so much about me, but you don't know shit," he said, his voice dropping to a near whisper.

"Is that so?" Whitman's smirk widened into a grin, the blood from his split lip shining. "Enlighten me, Gates. What secrets are you hiding in that alcohol-induced stupor of a past?"

Simon didn't respond, pressing his arm tighter to Whitman's neck for a second before taking a step back.

"Just stay away from her," he said before continuing down the hall.

April stepped from the Press Office, flipping through a thick packet of news articles on Dr. McKay and studies that she had published in several scientific journals. The more she read about the woman the more she liked her.

She stopped short when she realized somebody was in front of her and she looked up, annoyed when they didn't move.

Whitman stood in front of her and the comment she was ready to throw at him died in her throat as she noticed his split lip and the bruise blossoming at the corner of his mouth.

"What the hell happened to you?" she asked, frowning up at him.

"Your boyfriend."

April's frown deepened. "Simon? He hit you? Why?"

Whitman shrugged. "No idea. I said something to him and he just popped me good."

April stared up at him doubtfully, knowing Simon never would have hit him without provocation. She left Whitman standing in front of the Press Office, not noticing the satisfied smirk on his face as she walked away.

Simon was stepping from Harrison's office as she rounded the corner and she approached him, moving to stand in front of him.

"What did Whitman say to make you hit him?" she asked.

"Just the usual shit," Simon answered evasively.

"It couldn't have been or you wouldn't have hit him," April countered, moving to block his path as Simon made to step around her.

He looked at her a moment, then put his hands on her arms, holding her in place as he circled around her.

"For Christ's sake, Simon, talk to me!" April exclaimed, unable to keep the tremor from her voice as she turned to look at his retreating form.

He stopped and slowly turned to face her. April tilted her head to one side as she looked at him, hating the tears that she felt sliding down her cheeks, hating all the crying she'd done over the past couple of weeks and hating the fact that she couldn't seem to stop.

"Please," she murmured. "Stop walking away from me and just talk to me."

"I didn't think I'd see you before I left," he said softly.

"Before you left?" April repeated, confused.

"Harrison's offered me the job of protecting Dr. McKay," Simon said as he walked towards April. "I accepted. I leave for Boston tomorrow morning."

"And were you just not going to tell me this?" April asked, staring up at him as he moved closer.

"I thought maybe Harrison or my dad..." He trailed off as April shook her head at him, holding a hand over her eyes.

"I'm doing this for us, April," Simon said quietly and she looked up at him. "For us and Penny and Evan and... and everybody. This might be the way to fix all of this and if this is how I can help, I have to do it."

April nodded quickly, closing her eyes against the tears that once again threatened to fall.

A second later she gasped softly as she felt his fingers brush against her cheek, whisper light as he wiped away her tears. She leaned into his touch, her own fingers brushing his, wanting to hold him here as long as she could and wishing more than anything in the world that she could keep him from walking away.

His fingers lingered a moment longer before withdrawing and she felt him back away, heard the sound his shoes made on the carpet as he turned and walked away down the hall, keeping her eyes closed the whole time because she couldn't bear to see him walk away from her again.

When she was sure he was gone she opened her eyes, staring at the empty corridor in front of her and taking a shaky breath before she turned to head back to her office.

"You are lurking down here an awful lot today," April muttered as Whitman stepped into her office. She scribbled some notes on the paper in front of her and glanced up. "What do you want?"

"I just wanted to see how you were," he said as he took a few steps forward.

"Fine," April replied shortly as she stood to pull a file from the cabinet against the wall.

"I heard about Simon," Whitman said, clearing his throat. "How many strings did his dad have to pull to get him that job?"

April slapped her pen down on her desk and glared up at Whitman. "I'm busy. Leave."

She moved back to the file cabinet and Whitman took a step towards her.

"Have dinner with me."

April stared at him incredulously, her fingers stopping their quick search of the files.

"Are you serious?" she asked, not sure if she'd heard him correctly.

"Yeah," Whitman said, frowning slightly.

April couldn't stop the short laugh that escaped her lips as she found the file she wanted and let if fall with a smack on top of the other one.

"Why on Earth would I want to have dinner with you?" she asked.

"I just thought that you and Simon-"

"Simon and I are just fine, not that it's any of your business. And even if we weren't, you are the last person I would want to have dinner with."

"What about that date we had?" Whitman asked.

April laughed for real this time, shaking her head at him as she scooped the files into her arms. "That wasn't a date. That was dinner because I was young and naïve and too nice to say no, and it was before I knew you." She started to walk from her office and stopped in front of him, rolling her eyes. "And besides all of that, it was eight years ago. Get over it, Whitman."

"Now wait just one god damned minute," Whitman growled, his hand shooting out and grabbing hold of April's upper arm as she started to leave. He yanked her roughly to him, papers scattering as the files spilled from her arms.

"Let me go," April said in a low voice, wincing at the pain in her arm.

"Not until you explain to me what you just said," Whitman replied, staring down at her with such a dark expression that April felt a thrill of fear.

"I don't have to explain a damn thing to you," she said, trying to keep her voice from shaking as she attempted to pull her arm from his grip. His hand tightened and she gasped.

"What the hell are you doing?"

They both looked up to see Sam step into the office, angrier than April had ever seen him.

"Let her go right now and get out."

Whitman released April and she stepped quickly away from him, massaging her arm and glaring at him.

"I... I'm sorry," he murmured, his hand falling limply to his side.

"Right. Go." Sam moved from in front of the door and a moment later Whitman strode quickly from the room.

April took a shaky breath and Sam looked at her, his anger turning to concern as he stepped over to her.

"Are you all right?" he asked, his hand ghosting over hers as she continued to rub her arm. "What happened?"

"I'm fine," April said, shaking her head as she waved his hand away.

"April," Sam said quietly and she looked at him, sighing.

"We were just... he asked me out and I told him no." She sighed again and shook her head. "It's nothing, Sam."

Sam reached forward and grabbed the sleeve of April's shirt, rolling it up to reveal the bright red mark on the pale skin of her upper arm.

"That's not nothing, April."

"Sam, just leave it. Please." She stepped around him to kneel on the floor, pushing the papers back into their folders. "These were for you," she said, sighing.

Sam ran a hand down his face and knelt to help her, shoving the papers back together and then taking the folders from her to stack on her desk.

"Why don't you come over for dinner tonight?" he asked when she straightened.

"Sam," she said softly, looking at him with eyes so kind that he knew she was about to say something he didn't want to hear.

"Whatever this is that you and I have... we need to stop."

"It's nothing," he murmured. "It's just... we're friends, that's all."

"I think it's more than that, Sam, at least for you, and I know that's my fault. I apologize if I led you on, because that was never my intention, but I think I need to focus on my relationship with Simon right now."

Sam nodded, his eyebrows raised as he rubbed the back of his neck. "No, right, of course."

"I'm sorry, Sam," April said gently. "I never wanted to hurt you."

He waved a hand at her, murmuring something about being foolish, and she shook her head.

"I meant what I said in your office the other night, Sam. You're a great guy, you really are, and you've been so sweet to me these past few days." She paused, watching him carefully. "I don't want this to damage our friendship but I understand if it does."

Sam looked at her and shook his head. "No," he said firmly, "it doesn't."

April smiled softly at him and moved toward him, standing on her toes to kiss his cheek.

"Thank you," she murmured.

He nodded and smiled down at her before taking the files from her desk and leaving her office.