Cuddling - a silly poll

[nminusone]

Yeah, it's silly and laden with false dichotomies, but what do you expect from an LJ poll? I suppose if you want to explain yourself in comments, that's ok too. Note: "sleeping together" means just that: sleeping. The entry for sex is labeled "sex". ;p

Poll If you had to choose just one, what would you do with your:

Comments

[boadiccea]

Some 'splaining:

1. I cannot have a primary w/out sex. No can do - that is not a relationship to me without it. That being said, "sex" to me includes all of the options above, so it's rather a non-answer, but I had to pick one.

2. For the third, my cuddling scenarios are long and complicated and will have to wait for another time.

[nminusone]

I know none of the choices are quite right. I don't think I know anyone who breaks down and compartmentalizes those things in such an orderly way. I have friends I only cuddle with and some I only play with, but those are the exceptions. Even in most of those cases I'd like there to be more. In the cases where I don't... well, often if I'm keeping someone at that much of an emotional distance there's a reason, and they end up leaving my life entirely.

[boadiccea]

well, often if I'm keeping someone at that much of an emotional distance there's a reason, and they end up leaving my life entirely

For me, 9 times out of 10, the reason has more to do with me, than with them. In a lot of cases, it has to do with my emotional/energetic availability. Like right now, with everything going on in my life, I don't have a ton of room emotionally to navigate any more than I'm already navigating, so I err on the side of caution and hang back. When things are bad for me emotionally, I am incapable of compartmentalizing my relationships that well, which causes leakage onto other people, which I hate to do, so I just try not to.

Oh, there are probably also control issues in there somewhere, which will have to be another comment as work calls.

Though, like you, I suppose if I hang back for any other reason, it's an indicator that they probably won't stick around. In those cases, maybe that's "gut feeling" causing me to hang back, I don't know.

[orlacarey]

I'm seriously thinking about writing a post talking about the fact that I'm just not interested in much right now from anyone. Of course part of that is that when I don't get things for a while I stop wanting them.

[nminusone]

Of course part of that is that when I don't get things for a while I stop wanting them.

That's an interesting point, and one I need to think more about. I don't think I stop wanting things, I think I stop being as upset about not getting them. When temptation comes along, though... I'm all over it. ;)

[firebirdgrrl]

I adore cuddling with people I like...and I can't figure out what I'd want in the poll. I guess this is really shamelessly pandering for cuddles.

[nminusone]

As one of the most shameless people I know, I wouldn't have you pander any other way! And considering how bad I am I suppose you can call me "Pander Bear" ;)

[firebirdgrrl]

*gigglefit* So does that mean I get cuddles?:)

[nminusone]

That's a definite possibility... though you might have to come and collect them! ;)

[kimberlogic]

My answers to this surprised me - and aren't really indicative of real life in that I can't really be happy without sex *and* cuddling. However, your inclusion of co-sleeping really turned it for me - all of these things are very intimate for me, special, close. Play, sex, sleeping next to/in the arms of someone - I can't really see being without any of those things. Snuggling is something I need a regular amount of to feel good/healthy. Touch is important and snuggling fills me up with happy warmth and care.

Play is important too but I am struggling with trying to find a way to return to that.

Also, all of these things are important but some I *need* more than others.
And when that need is deeper than flesh or fun, it tends to deepen both the intimacy, the urgency and the vulnerability involved.

Enough rambling ... it is complex :)

[nminusone]

It is complex, but I'll be sure to draw you out sometime. I'm guessing you're similar to me. Physical affection is a big deal; realizing that I'd often choose it over anything else inspired this poll. I enjoy them all, but I think cuddling and kissing are more visceral, while sex and play have an additional emotional aspect: "If they're doing this with me they must really like me." That feels great too but it's not quite the same as our bodies breathing each other in. Maybe I'm splitting hairs but I feel there is a difference.

Tangentially, if you're game would you mind taking the quiz and leaving a comment with your results?

[kimberlogic]

Quality Time and Physical Touch are tied for 1st place w/ 9 pts each
Words of Affirmation is next at 7
Acts of Service 3
Gifts 2

Affection is a big deal with me, as well as words and action. I love being with the people I care about and it's better if we're touching but it is true that doesn't have to be sex or play. Snuggling is a must.

[nminusone]

I love being with the people I care about and it's better if we're touching but it is true that doesn't have to be sex or play. Snuggling is a must.

We're definitely a lot alike in this area. :)

[anotheranon]

I just can't quantify it that way! :P

For me, I want to do ALL of these with my primary partner. I've never had a secondary so I can't speak to it. What I'd like to do with different play partners/friends++/etc. is HIGHLY dependent on the person in question - usually just play but it can vary.

Vague enough for ya? :P

[nminusone]

I think that's fair. Asking people to choose just one is more a way of getting them to think about what they will and won't do. I think most people are going to have trouble separating those things, at least in some cases. My inspiration was simply realizing how much weight cuddling carries for me, and that in some cases I can be quite happy with that being the only thing in a little-r-relationship.