Let's Do It All Imperfectly
I just realized I haven't put this on my own journal yet *faceplam*
D'oh.
Title: Never Give Up
Fandom: Star Trek XI
Pairing: Kirk/Spock
Rating: NC-17/R Somewhere between?
Summary: Kirk gives up on pursuing Spock. Cue angst.
Warnings/Notes: Possible OOC and sudden!bow-chikka-bow-wow
Even logic can be blinded by familiarity and something as pervasive as air only becomes vital once you notice the lack. 2.57 days ago he noticed something was missing. He'd been at his station reporting the results of the latest system scan (no signs of life, minimal radiation) and caught the Captain watching him with an unusual expression of resignation on his face. He'd looked about to say something before breaking off and shaking his head a little sadly.
“Is there something you require Captain?”
A fleeting expression, gone too quickly to be identified and categorized, before Jim met his eyes.
“No, Mr. Spock. Excellent work as always.”
Intuition was not a human quality he possessed in abundance but something in that voice made him consider Jim sharply. He was unable to discern precisely why those words, that exchange they had engaged in so many times before, felt like goodbye.
The Captain swiveled in his chair to address the navigation team and Spock dismissed the feeling as illogical and resumed his analysis of the sensor readouts.
It had been a Wednesday, 3rd rotation of Alpha cycle and it was their habit to meet in the Captain's quarters for a game of chess and to discuss the current mission and the latest orders from Starfleet command. At first Spock had been taken aback by the informal briefings, he knew of no other command team that operated thus. However he'd begun to anticipate the relaxed information sessions and taken a secret delight in the sprawling inclusive nature of Jim's conversation.
During a peaceful mission, ship's official business could be summarized fairly quickly but they would often continue discourse long into the night on a variety of subjects. He learned of Jim's fascination with practical engineering and encompassing desire to know every facet of his ship and crew. He coached his inquisitive Captain in Vulcan culture and pronunciation, using an astrophysics treatise from the Science Academy as a primer, dark and blond heads tilting together as they both read from the same passage. At their last session, he'd spoken of his mother for the first time and felt himself overwhelmed by the compassion in those incredibly blue eyes.
It was curious, but upon reflection he'd realized that session had been a month past. The week immediately following had found Spock in Biolab 13, unwilling to disrupt a fascinating hybridization experiment he was conducting with Helmsman Sulu. Jim had shown up at the lab to extend the invitation for chess but Spock had declined, indicating that the experiment was nearing completion and he preferred to remain until it was concluded. Jim had offered a shrug and a smile and left him to it. A small portion of his brain had noted that it was the first time either of them had missed a Wednesday 'briefing' and dismissed it, returning eagerly to the project which could help solve the water shortage issue on New Vulcan.
The Wednesday following he'd been engaged in a Suss Mahn demonstration with the Vulcan ambassador they were escorting to Starbase 17. It had been interesting to engage in the ritual combat with a fellow Vulcan and refreshing to not have to hold back in deference to lesser human strength and frailty. (A portion of his brain again noted that the Captain was an adept student, despite his limitations) Kirk had arrived at the gymnasium with his customary invitation and Spock had declined again, citing that the Ambassador Sachen's time with them was nearly at an end and the next opportunity to practice Suss Mahn at this level was undetermined. Kirk had nodded and offered them both the ritual bow before exiting the gymnasium.
The last Wednesday Jim was incapacitated and confined to sick bay due to his complete lack of self preservation instinct. Spock had been unable to stop him from entering the burning shelter to save the boy trapped on the second floor and had barely caught him when he stumbled out, grasping the child tightly in his arms and seemingly unaware that his gold command tunic was burned away. Raw strips of charred flesh were exposed and seeping clear fluid as he set the child in front of his grateful mother and sagged against Spock, who was already giving the command to be beamed aboard with a med team standing by.
Spock had entered sickbay just as Doctor McCoy was finishing his tirade and the atmosphere was thick with tension as Jim and McCoy glared at each other from across the room.
“Ah Mr. Spock, maybe you can convince this mule headed idiot to stay put for me.” McCoy's posture was a study in exasperation and he puntucated each word with a dramatic gesture.
Spock considered Jim's form, noting the pallor and the tight foced smile.
“Indeed Captain, considering the nature of your injuries it would be inadvisable to attempt mobility.”
“Look you two, I'm fine. It was a glancing burn and already regenerated.” A weak arm was raised in an attempt to pull down the collar of the starched white robe to verify his claim.
“A glancing burn HA! A glancing burn?! Over 30% of your body, you reckless bastard! You're lucky Mr. Spock was able to get you here or there wouldn't have been anything left for me to regenerate and you would have gasped your last breath down on that godforsaken hellhole.” Spock was curioulsy fascinated by the doctors wild gesticulations, they seemed completely unplanned and chaotic but no matter how broad the sweep of an arm no supplies were disturbed from their precarious perch a the edge of the sterile counter top.
He ceased his musing and turned so both the Doctor and his Captain were within his gaze. “Doubtless the Doctor tended to the surface damage immediately, however as in any case of severe burning the possibility of dehydration must be addressed.”
“Precisely Mr. Spock. As you have no doubt noticed, Jim's hooked up nice and tight to some sub-cu fluids which will solve that issue, provided he stays the hell put and lets me do my god damn job.” McCoy's pacing brought him to Jim's side again and he gave the intravenous dispenser a vindictive tug.
Jim spread his hands helplessly against the combined glares of his First Officer and CMO. “Fine, fine. I'll stay put. What do you say Mr. Spock, want to grab the chess board and keep me company for a time?”
Spock hesistated for a bare moment before replying, “Negative Captain. It is my estimation that your time would be better spent in repose.”
Spock had assumed the wince that accompanied his words was due to the injuries the Captain had sustained. He'd excused himself directly to allow his Captain a chance to heal.
It was Wednesday and Alpha shift was concluding. Spock was instructing the relief Lieutenant on maintaining the scanning procedures and was unaware when his Captain left the bridge. It was Jim's custom to wait for Spock to finish his handover so the two could retire to the mess for the evening meal before their weekly chess match and briefing session. It was curious, Spock had no other business and he had assumed the Captain was fully recovered from his ordeal last week.
He entered the turbolift alone, conscious of the quiet, and made his way to the Officer's Mess.
He was surprised to find Jim already there, seated with Doctor McCoy and involved in an animated discussion. A flare of emotion he was unwilling to classify rose in him as he carried his tray of steamed vegetables and soup to their table.
“May I be permitted to join you?” Odd, he hadn't felt the need to ask in months. Not since Jim had begun his efforts to foster the great friendship his future counterpart had spoken of in earnest. Jim had made him feel valued and welcomed wherever he was. He was unsettled to note that gentle feeling seemed absent today.
Jim laughed at his polite tone and waved him forward. “Of course Mr. Spock. Have a seat.”
“Thank you Captain.”
Jim nodded and turned back to McCoy.
Spock was beginning to feel alarm, this was the first time in their six months of duty that Jim had not insisted on being called by his given name during off duty hours. He'd derived comfort from that ritual, he now realized. It had cemented that feeling of belonging that was conspicuously absent today. Indeed, upon further reflection the Captain had not approached him outside of his official duties since he'd been released from sickbay. Nor had he wandered over to Spock's station during duty hours to observe first hand sensor read outs. He'd not offered a hand clasp or a spar or visited him on the Observation Deck since that day either. He did not seem angry in any of their interactions since then. Indeed, the only face he'd shown besides the cheerful yet competent Command persona was that brief moment of resignation earlier that day.
This information rolled through his brain throughout the meal and distracted him from his companions. Jim's voice wishing him a pleasant evening drew him out of his introspection and he was able to murmur his polite returns in a suitably steady voice as his Captain departed with McCoy. There had been no invitation for a chess game later on in his quarters.
The next two shifts on the bridge proceeded smoothly. Jim's command style had matured greatly since Nero and he obviously took his role seriously. In response the crew almost universally adored him (though Spock had heard grumblings from security about an officer with the unlikely moniker of Cupcake being threatened by Chief Engineer Scott for an unflattering diatribe against the Captain). Jim returned the adoration in kind and was always the first to commend an officer for original thinking or exceptional performance. Spock himself was often the recipient of Jim's praise and while this hadn't flagged since the incident in sickbay, Spock still found himself frustrated by the unprecedented reserve the Captain continued to exhibit around him off duty. Jim now left the bridge alone at the conclusion of his shift and Spock did not encounter him again until the next duty day.
Saturday was an off duty shift for both Captain and First Officer. Spock had attempted to invite Jim to join him in the mess for breakfast but was stymied by the Captain's absence from his quarters. He felt the disappointment keenly as he turned back for his rooms, moving briskly. His thoughts were uncharacteristically chaotic and the emotions were rolling through him in waves. He needed to re exert control.
Meditation proved useless as he was unable to focus his thoughts on anything but Jim's sad eyes on the bridge and the sickening feeling of loneliness that he'd experienced these past few days. There was something there, dancing outside the edge of his logic, a reason for the baffling distance that had suddenly sprung between them. He sighed, impatient with himself, as he concluded the answer lay with his human side, needful of an emotional perspective applied to recent events.
He sighed again as he realized he was going to have to approach Doctor McCoy for insight.
Spock knew that McCoy had his on cabin on Deck 5, inherited from the late Dr. Puri. He did not think the CMO had spent a single night since he'd been aboard in the relatively luxurious quarters provided him. The Doctor was a contrary creature and quite loud in his assertion that he preferred the couch he'd set up in his office. (“Damn it Jim I'm a Doctor not an executive. My place is here with my patients!”)
He slowed his approach to sickbay as he recognized Jim's voice.
“wrong?”
“Damnit Jim, don't lie to me. You haven't ogled Nurse Chapel in months. I haven't had a report from Komack in at least three weeks on how I might go about relieving you of duty if you ever pull another stunt like blah blah blah. You're shiny, polished and professional at all times and while command is breathing a sigh of relief, I know you. You only go all fucking poster boy like this when something's bothering you. Now spill.”
“Maybe I've finally grown up Bones.”
“Yeah pull the other one, it plays dixie. Last time I saw you like this was when that Marcus girl died back at the Academy. You fucking started going to all your classes and aced your exams and hid in your fucking room until you blew up and tried to drink the entire supply of Romulan Ale and ended up in my morning rotation for severe alcohol poisoning. Let's try fucking talking about it instead this time. If that fails there's a case of Saurian brandy in my office and medical log entry pronouncing you temporarily unfit for command already drafted.”
Spock could hear Jim sigh heavily though the wall.
“You know, you were much less of a pain in the ass before you found out about the medical relief clause.”
“Bullshit kid, I've always been a pain in the ass. Now sit the fuck down before you make me dizzy and talk to me. What's eating you?”
Any thought Spock had about leaving the Doctor and Jim to their obviously private discussion fled with Jim's next words.
“I think I'm in love with Spock and there's no way that he can love me back.”
Doctor McCoy's loud exhalation of disbelief was enough to cover Spock's gasp. Pulse pounding in his throat he brought his hand up to the partition and pressed closer, straining to catch Jim's murmured words.
“I've tried reaching out and we seemed to be developing an understanding but...”
“What, Jim? Jesus what's going on here?”
Spock could almost picture the wry cast of Jim's mouth and the full body shrug.
“He told me about his mother... I think it was the first time he'd talked to anyone about it and I think he regrets it. He's avoided me since then and I have to give up on this.. thing.. between us before I start throwing myself at him and embarrassing us both further.”
“He's a Vulcan, Jim. What did you expect?”
“I swear Bones, there was a connection and his.. future self.. told me that our friendship in his time was what defined us both. I wanted that. I thought I was breaking through but I think letting me in as far as he had, letting me actually see his pain... I don't think he wants that with me. Ever.”
“Have you talked to him about any of this?”
“Hah.” The laugh was sharp and bitter, most uncharacteristic of the man he'd grown to know aboard the Enterprise. Spock's brows drew together sharply as he continued to listen.
“You said it yourself Bones. He's a Vulcan. I don't want to put either of us through the torture of my confession. I'll just continue treating him like my trusted first officer and be grateful for whatever else he gives me. Can't you see Bones? I can't keep forcing myself on him. Can you imagine loving someone who only tolerates you out of politeness?”
“Aw shit. I'm sorry kid. I'm sure he cares for you in his way, he certainly doesn't seem to mind working with you.”
The bitter laugh sounded again and Jim snorted softly. “Like I said, I'll take what I can get and hope this goes away before it kills me. Pathetic huh?”
Spock missed the Doctor's reply as he turned sharply and walked almost dazedly down the corridor.
Jim loved him?
Jim. Loved. Him.
He thought back again to the events of the last month and counted off all of the casual cruelties he'd inflicted on the man through his own blindness. It had been he who'd begun to limit their encounters, he who had put off their little rituals. Was it any wonder that Jim felt the rejection? Sickbay must have been the last straw, causing Jim to pull back the hand he'd slapped back so callously and resolve to give Spock what he thought he wanted.
How could he have known? He had not even recognized how dependent he had become on Jim's company until he had pushed it away. How could he have been expected to recognize the tenderness and anticipation he'd felt was love? How could James “I don't believe in no-win scenarios” Kirk possibly be allowing Spock's Vulcan upbringing and blindness to hand him his first defeat?
He must act quickly. Doctor McCoy's Saurian brandy notwithstanding it was 0800, early even for the infamous James T Kirk to begin debauching. He estimated that the Captain would return to his quarters when he was finished in sickbay. Determination suffusing his being he paused outside the Captain's door and used his officer override code to enter and to wait.
***
The pneumatic hiss of the cabin door opening brought Spock to his feet. The Captain strode forward with his usual purposeful stride before coming to a comically abrupt halt in the center of his quarters upon spotting Spock standing at attention by his desk.
“Ah.. Mr. Spock. How... unusual. Is there something I can do for you?” The smile was perhaps more tentative now that he was looking for obvious signs, but Spock would have missed it had he not known what he was looking for.
“Indeed Captain.” Did the smile fade at the formal address? Humans were supposedly easy to read, why was this man such an enigma?
“I overheard your discussion with Doctor McCoy this morning-” All of the colour rushed out of Jim's face and Spock stepped forward in concern. “Jim, perhaps you should sit down. You appear to be on the verge of passing out.”
Jim blinked rapidly and shook himself. Spock marveled at his control as the vulnerability was subsumed and his friend stood steady before him again.
“No Mr. Spock, I think I'd better stand for this.” Those blue eyes raked over him and every nerve in Spock's body began to tense.
“I'm sorry that you had to hear that, although perhaps it's for the best that we clear the air between us.”
“Yes, Jim, that's why-” He was cut off by Jim's upraised hand.
“Please Spock, let me get this out all in one go.I don't know that I'll be able to finish if you interrupt me.”
“But Jim-”
“Please Spock.” A hint of desperation threaded through the words and Spock closed his mouth.
“I realize that you are uncomfortable with emotional displays so I will keep this brief. Yes, you overheard me tell Doctor McCoy that I was in love with you. I'd hoped to spare us both this discomfort but I feel since it is in the open now you deserve an explanation and some reassurance.”
“You are aware of course that I met with your future counterpart on Delta Vega?” The eyes darted quickly to him to catch his answering nod before returning to stare resolutely ahead.
“Yes, well. He told me of the great friendship that existed between himself and the James Kirk of that timeline. He encouraged me to develop a similar relationship with you, in the hopes that we might become the formidable team that existed for him.”
He cleared his throat and Spock observed the hard gaze softening slightly as he continued.
“I approached you all those months ago with that goal in mind, I thought we had made considerable progress in that regard when things began to change for me. I found myself wanting to be more in your company, wanting to get to know you - all aspects of you. I deluded myself into believing I saw a reciprocal desire in you. That night when we spoke of your mother and you let me see your pain I felt that we had reached the next level.”
The blue eyes swung towards him again and Spock nearly gasped at the depth of emotion shining in them.
“Please Spock, despite what I feel for you I would never wish you pain or discomfort. I realize now that you were trying to hold me back gently and I am sorry if this is a burden to you. Please believe I am fully capable of resolving this and nothing need change between us. I value you too deeply as an Officer and a friend to allow this to interfere.”
“To quote your counterpart I am, and will always be, your friend. This will be the last time we ever need to speak of this, I promise.”
The eyes were level and steady again on his. James T Kirk had made a promise and would start living up to it now.
Spock considered him objectively. Took in the handsome face and fit form, barely a shell for the implacable will and keen intellect housed within. He had no doubt that were he to allow it, he would never again feel the weight of Jim's love in those eyes or any expectations of regard from his words or actions. He was perhaps glad for these last two days of utter loneliness and misery for allowing him to repudiate the thought so thoroughly.
It was difficult to take the first step forward but he would not dare to let his courage falter in the face of Jim's brave honesty. The second step was noticeable easier and bare moments passed before he pulled Jim into his arms and was whispering urgently in his softly rounded ears.
“You would give me this incredible gift and take it away in the same stroke? I had not thought you so cruel in love.”
Jim's entire body went stiff and Spock could feel the emotions swirling in him. Desperate hope warring with disbelief surrounded by shock. Jim pulled back and tilted his head upwards to catch his gaze. Whatever he found in the stoic Vulcan regard sent a flood of reassurance through him and he relaxed so thoroughly and immediately that he was able to slip out of Spock's grasp.
“You mean this Spock? You feel this between us?” The words came off more as a challenge than a question. Spock was again surprised by the mercurial layers of James T Kirk as Jim's eyes took on a hooded and predatory cast that left him breathless.
“I..”He stammered. He never stammered. He was determined to meet this on even ground. “I do yes. I have missed you Jim, these past days.”
The emotional declaration brought a flash of triumph and tenderness to Jim's face. Spock filed that information away for future use as the firm body was pressed against his and that cool mouth began sucking on his lower lip.
He breathed in the rough scent of Jim and he opened his mouth to the exploring tongue. It was heady, this feeling, almost overwhelming as Jim's hands failed to find any one place they were content to rest. He seemed to determined to map and memorize every plane and texture of Spock's body with a gentle caress or a hard squeeze or a stinging scrape with his fingernails.
Spock felt the growl begin low in his throat and brought his hands up to hold Jim's mouth captive and he deepened the kiss and began walking them back towards the bed. Jim bit down on his neck and stopped him at the edge. Spock was loathe to cease the explorations of his tongue along the shell of Jim's ear but acknowledged the logic of removing his boots before pressing his Captain down onto the bed and covering him with his hard hot body. His hands toyed with the edge of Jim's shirt and sent his hands up and under to trace the hard muscle and smooth skin of his chest. Jim breathed his name softly as his own clever hands moved up to remove the barrier entirely.
His entire body felt flushed and he allowed Jim to reverse their positions and straddle him on the bed. His eyes held an electric quality as they pinned him in place.
“I want to see you,” he said lowly, desire fogging his voice as he worked Spock's blue tunic up to reveal his hard flat stomach.
“Yes.”
“I want to hear you scream my name.”
A sharp gasp as those hands deftly removed his belt and stroked a smooth sure pass along his erection.
“Yes Jim. Yes” His breathing was becoming ragged.
“I want to fuck you.” He brought his mouth to the band of the regulation briefs and flicked his tongue at soft flesh beneath.
“Yesss.” Spock exhaled his consent through gritted teeth and was rewarded with a blindingly bright smile and the light scraping of teeth. His hips bucked upwards and Jim was quick to take the opportunity to skim his pants and briefs down to his knees.
“Ah! Jim!” The first touch of Jim's tongue to the head of his penis brought the scream he'd asked for. Dimly he was aware that he should not be so responsive but he was unable to hold the thought as the tongue continued to flick and stroke and the cool mouth moved to suck him all the way in.
He could feel his blood rushing through his veins at every pulse point. Jim pressed two fingers into his mouth, letting the knuckles rub against Spock's shaft as he worked the muscles of his throat against the sensitive head. Spock was dimly aware that he had somehow lost his shirt as he surged up to cradle Jim's head between his hands, running his fingers through short sweat dampened curls and fighting to keep from forcing his way into that mouth. His good intentions failed when Jim met his eyes and smiled around his penis while two wet fingers found their way into him.
Jim moved with the thrust and pulled away. The possessiveness and passion on his face as he stood to discard his pants and briefs was breathtaking. Not once did his eyes waver from Spock's as he rummaged through the night stand and slicked his erection liberally with the lube he'd retrieved.
Spock dropped his gaze to watch the assured strokes pumping over the swollen member, coating over the head and wrapping around the shaft. Jim danced out of his way with a mischievous glint in his eyes when he reached out a hand to touch the gorgeous body finally revealed to him.
“No,” he murmured, that low quality in his voice sending shivers down Spock's spine. “Not this time.”
He waited for Spock's abrupt nod of acknowledgment before moving forward again. His slick fingers dipped down between them again to nudge Spock open a little bit wider, patient twisting motion completely belied by the strong hot mouthed kisses pressed along his neck and shoulders. Jim pressed forward with additional pressure from his knee and surprised another yelp out of Spock when the fingers scraped against his prostate.
He could feel the curve of Jim's smile against his neck and the mouth lifted to his ear to whisper, “I'm going to make you come so hard,” before the tongue moved up to curl at the shell and trace the point.
Jim pulled back and pushed at Spock's shoulder lightly, pressing him down into the mattress. He positioned the head of his penis at Spock's stretched entrance and pushed forward slowly, the expression on his face as he entered was such a mix of supreme pleasure and disbelief that Spock was forced to surge back to take him all at once.
The pain was there but the burning pleasure was stronger. He was also pleased to note that he had surprised Jim, perhaps for the first time in this encounter since he'd acknowledged his love for the Captain. In fact, he seemed to have been rendered speechless.
Spock's voice was hoarse with panting dryness and it came out almost a rasp. “Now Jim. I want you to fuck me now.”
The moan that rose from his throat surprised them both as Jim surged forward and pressed his face into Spock's neck, thrusting wildly. “I love you, “ he whispered fiercely. “I love you so much.' Whispered against his lips this time, Spock opened his mouth to catch it and was rewarded with a sob of relief and passion when he whispered back, “And I you Jim.”
Jim's hand reached between them and began rubbing Spock in time to his urgent pounding thrusts. Spock reached his hands up to grasp Jim's hips and arced his back up with every stroke against his prostate. The pressure began to build around the base of his spine and Jim's hoarse cry of his name was enough to propel him towards release.
Their breaths mingled as Jim stirred from where he'd collapsed on top of Spock. The welcome weight shifted as he levered himself up to look into his eyes. He seemed to be searching for something, some sort of reassurance needed even after this.
Spock tested a smile, please to see Jim's eyes widen.
“I hope you have learned a valuable lesson on giving up, Captain.”
D'oh.
Title: Never Give Up
Fandom: Star Trek XI
Pairing: Kirk/Spock
Rating: NC-17/R Somewhere between?
Summary: Kirk gives up on pursuing Spock. Cue angst.
Warnings/Notes: Possible OOC and sudden!bow-chikka-bow-wow
Even logic can be blinded by familiarity and something as pervasive as air only becomes vital once you notice the lack. 2.57 days ago he noticed something was missing. He'd been at his station reporting the results of the latest system scan (no signs of life, minimal radiation) and caught the Captain watching him with an unusual expression of resignation on his face. He'd looked about to say something before breaking off and shaking his head a little sadly.
“Is there something you require Captain?”
A fleeting expression, gone too quickly to be identified and categorized, before Jim met his eyes.
“No, Mr. Spock. Excellent work as always.”
Intuition was not a human quality he possessed in abundance but something in that voice made him consider Jim sharply. He was unable to discern precisely why those words, that exchange they had engaged in so many times before, felt like goodbye.
The Captain swiveled in his chair to address the navigation team and Spock dismissed the feeling as illogical and resumed his analysis of the sensor readouts.
It had been a Wednesday, 3rd rotation of Alpha cycle and it was their habit to meet in the Captain's quarters for a game of chess and to discuss the current mission and the latest orders from Starfleet command. At first Spock had been taken aback by the informal briefings, he knew of no other command team that operated thus. However he'd begun to anticipate the relaxed information sessions and taken a secret delight in the sprawling inclusive nature of Jim's conversation.
During a peaceful mission, ship's official business could be summarized fairly quickly but they would often continue discourse long into the night on a variety of subjects. He learned of Jim's fascination with practical engineering and encompassing desire to know every facet of his ship and crew. He coached his inquisitive Captain in Vulcan culture and pronunciation, using an astrophysics treatise from the Science Academy as a primer, dark and blond heads tilting together as they both read from the same passage. At their last session, he'd spoken of his mother for the first time and felt himself overwhelmed by the compassion in those incredibly blue eyes.
It was curious, but upon reflection he'd realized that session had been a month past. The week immediately following had found Spock in Biolab 13, unwilling to disrupt a fascinating hybridization experiment he was conducting with Helmsman Sulu. Jim had shown up at the lab to extend the invitation for chess but Spock had declined, indicating that the experiment was nearing completion and he preferred to remain until it was concluded. Jim had offered a shrug and a smile and left him to it. A small portion of his brain had noted that it was the first time either of them had missed a Wednesday 'briefing' and dismissed it, returning eagerly to the project which could help solve the water shortage issue on New Vulcan.
The Wednesday following he'd been engaged in a Suss Mahn demonstration with the Vulcan ambassador they were escorting to Starbase 17. It had been interesting to engage in the ritual combat with a fellow Vulcan and refreshing to not have to hold back in deference to lesser human strength and frailty. (A portion of his brain again noted that the Captain was an adept student, despite his limitations) Kirk had arrived at the gymnasium with his customary invitation and Spock had declined again, citing that the Ambassador Sachen's time with them was nearly at an end and the next opportunity to practice Suss Mahn at this level was undetermined. Kirk had nodded and offered them both the ritual bow before exiting the gymnasium.
The last Wednesday Jim was incapacitated and confined to sick bay due to his complete lack of self preservation instinct. Spock had been unable to stop him from entering the burning shelter to save the boy trapped on the second floor and had barely caught him when he stumbled out, grasping the child tightly in his arms and seemingly unaware that his gold command tunic was burned away. Raw strips of charred flesh were exposed and seeping clear fluid as he set the child in front of his grateful mother and sagged against Spock, who was already giving the command to be beamed aboard with a med team standing by.
Spock had entered sickbay just as Doctor McCoy was finishing his tirade and the atmosphere was thick with tension as Jim and McCoy glared at each other from across the room.
“Ah Mr. Spock, maybe you can convince this mule headed idiot to stay put for me.” McCoy's posture was a study in exasperation and he puntucated each word with a dramatic gesture.
Spock considered Jim's form, noting the pallor and the tight foced smile.
“Indeed Captain, considering the nature of your injuries it would be inadvisable to attempt mobility.”
“Look you two, I'm fine. It was a glancing burn and already regenerated.” A weak arm was raised in an attempt to pull down the collar of the starched white robe to verify his claim.
“A glancing burn HA! A glancing burn?! Over 30% of your body, you reckless bastard! You're lucky Mr. Spock was able to get you here or there wouldn't have been anything left for me to regenerate and you would have gasped your last breath down on that godforsaken hellhole.” Spock was curioulsy fascinated by the doctors wild gesticulations, they seemed completely unplanned and chaotic but no matter how broad the sweep of an arm no supplies were disturbed from their precarious perch a the edge of the sterile counter top.
He ceased his musing and turned so both the Doctor and his Captain were within his gaze. “Doubtless the Doctor tended to the surface damage immediately, however as in any case of severe burning the possibility of dehydration must be addressed.”
“Precisely Mr. Spock. As you have no doubt noticed, Jim's hooked up nice and tight to some sub-cu fluids which will solve that issue, provided he stays the hell put and lets me do my god damn job.” McCoy's pacing brought him to Jim's side again and he gave the intravenous dispenser a vindictive tug.
Jim spread his hands helplessly against the combined glares of his First Officer and CMO. “Fine, fine. I'll stay put. What do you say Mr. Spock, want to grab the chess board and keep me company for a time?”
Spock hesistated for a bare moment before replying, “Negative Captain. It is my estimation that your time would be better spent in repose.”
Spock had assumed the wince that accompanied his words was due to the injuries the Captain had sustained. He'd excused himself directly to allow his Captain a chance to heal.
It was Wednesday and Alpha shift was concluding. Spock was instructing the relief Lieutenant on maintaining the scanning procedures and was unaware when his Captain left the bridge. It was Jim's custom to wait for Spock to finish his handover so the two could retire to the mess for the evening meal before their weekly chess match and briefing session. It was curious, Spock had no other business and he had assumed the Captain was fully recovered from his ordeal last week.
He entered the turbolift alone, conscious of the quiet, and made his way to the Officer's Mess.
He was surprised to find Jim already there, seated with Doctor McCoy and involved in an animated discussion. A flare of emotion he was unwilling to classify rose in him as he carried his tray of steamed vegetables and soup to their table.
“May I be permitted to join you?” Odd, he hadn't felt the need to ask in months. Not since Jim had begun his efforts to foster the great friendship his future counterpart had spoken of in earnest. Jim had made him feel valued and welcomed wherever he was. He was unsettled to note that gentle feeling seemed absent today.
Jim laughed at his polite tone and waved him forward. “Of course Mr. Spock. Have a seat.”
“Thank you Captain.”
Jim nodded and turned back to McCoy.
Spock was beginning to feel alarm, this was the first time in their six months of duty that Jim had not insisted on being called by his given name during off duty hours. He'd derived comfort from that ritual, he now realized. It had cemented that feeling of belonging that was conspicuously absent today. Indeed, upon further reflection the Captain had not approached him outside of his official duties since he'd been released from sickbay. Nor had he wandered over to Spock's station during duty hours to observe first hand sensor read outs. He'd not offered a hand clasp or a spar or visited him on the Observation Deck since that day either. He did not seem angry in any of their interactions since then. Indeed, the only face he'd shown besides the cheerful yet competent Command persona was that brief moment of resignation earlier that day.
This information rolled through his brain throughout the meal and distracted him from his companions. Jim's voice wishing him a pleasant evening drew him out of his introspection and he was able to murmur his polite returns in a suitably steady voice as his Captain departed with McCoy. There had been no invitation for a chess game later on in his quarters.
The next two shifts on the bridge proceeded smoothly. Jim's command style had matured greatly since Nero and he obviously took his role seriously. In response the crew almost universally adored him (though Spock had heard grumblings from security about an officer with the unlikely moniker of Cupcake being threatened by Chief Engineer Scott for an unflattering diatribe against the Captain). Jim returned the adoration in kind and was always the first to commend an officer for original thinking or exceptional performance. Spock himself was often the recipient of Jim's praise and while this hadn't flagged since the incident in sickbay, Spock still found himself frustrated by the unprecedented reserve the Captain continued to exhibit around him off duty. Jim now left the bridge alone at the conclusion of his shift and Spock did not encounter him again until the next duty day.
Saturday was an off duty shift for both Captain and First Officer. Spock had attempted to invite Jim to join him in the mess for breakfast but was stymied by the Captain's absence from his quarters. He felt the disappointment keenly as he turned back for his rooms, moving briskly. His thoughts were uncharacteristically chaotic and the emotions were rolling through him in waves. He needed to re exert control.
Meditation proved useless as he was unable to focus his thoughts on anything but Jim's sad eyes on the bridge and the sickening feeling of loneliness that he'd experienced these past few days. There was something there, dancing outside the edge of his logic, a reason for the baffling distance that had suddenly sprung between them. He sighed, impatient with himself, as he concluded the answer lay with his human side, needful of an emotional perspective applied to recent events.
He sighed again as he realized he was going to have to approach Doctor McCoy for insight.
Spock knew that McCoy had his on cabin on Deck 5, inherited from the late Dr. Puri. He did not think the CMO had spent a single night since he'd been aboard in the relatively luxurious quarters provided him. The Doctor was a contrary creature and quite loud in his assertion that he preferred the couch he'd set up in his office. (“Damn it Jim I'm a Doctor not an executive. My place is here with my patients!”)
He slowed his approach to sickbay as he recognized Jim's voice.
“wrong?”
“Damnit Jim, don't lie to me. You haven't ogled Nurse Chapel in months. I haven't had a report from Komack in at least three weeks on how I might go about relieving you of duty if you ever pull another stunt like blah blah blah. You're shiny, polished and professional at all times and while command is breathing a sigh of relief, I know you. You only go all fucking poster boy like this when something's bothering you. Now spill.”
“Maybe I've finally grown up Bones.”
“Yeah pull the other one, it plays dixie. Last time I saw you like this was when that Marcus girl died back at the Academy. You fucking started going to all your classes and aced your exams and hid in your fucking room until you blew up and tried to drink the entire supply of Romulan Ale and ended up in my morning rotation for severe alcohol poisoning. Let's try fucking talking about it instead this time. If that fails there's a case of Saurian brandy in my office and medical log entry pronouncing you temporarily unfit for command already drafted.”
Spock could hear Jim sigh heavily though the wall.
“You know, you were much less of a pain in the ass before you found out about the medical relief clause.”
“Bullshit kid, I've always been a pain in the ass. Now sit the fuck down before you make me dizzy and talk to me. What's eating you?”
Any thought Spock had about leaving the Doctor and Jim to their obviously private discussion fled with Jim's next words.
“I think I'm in love with Spock and there's no way that he can love me back.”
Doctor McCoy's loud exhalation of disbelief was enough to cover Spock's gasp. Pulse pounding in his throat he brought his hand up to the partition and pressed closer, straining to catch Jim's murmured words.
“I've tried reaching out and we seemed to be developing an understanding but...”
“What, Jim? Jesus what's going on here?”
Spock could almost picture the wry cast of Jim's mouth and the full body shrug.
“He told me about his mother... I think it was the first time he'd talked to anyone about it and I think he regrets it. He's avoided me since then and I have to give up on this.. thing.. between us before I start throwing myself at him and embarrassing us both further.”
“He's a Vulcan, Jim. What did you expect?”
“I swear Bones, there was a connection and his.. future self.. told me that our friendship in his time was what defined us both. I wanted that. I thought I was breaking through but I think letting me in as far as he had, letting me actually see his pain... I don't think he wants that with me. Ever.”
“Have you talked to him about any of this?”
“Hah.” The laugh was sharp and bitter, most uncharacteristic of the man he'd grown to know aboard the Enterprise. Spock's brows drew together sharply as he continued to listen.
“You said it yourself Bones. He's a Vulcan. I don't want to put either of us through the torture of my confession. I'll just continue treating him like my trusted first officer and be grateful for whatever else he gives me. Can't you see Bones? I can't keep forcing myself on him. Can you imagine loving someone who only tolerates you out of politeness?”
“Aw shit. I'm sorry kid. I'm sure he cares for you in his way, he certainly doesn't seem to mind working with you.”
The bitter laugh sounded again and Jim snorted softly. “Like I said, I'll take what I can get and hope this goes away before it kills me. Pathetic huh?”
Spock missed the Doctor's reply as he turned sharply and walked almost dazedly down the corridor.
Jim loved him?
Jim. Loved. Him.
He thought back again to the events of the last month and counted off all of the casual cruelties he'd inflicted on the man through his own blindness. It had been he who'd begun to limit their encounters, he who had put off their little rituals. Was it any wonder that Jim felt the rejection? Sickbay must have been the last straw, causing Jim to pull back the hand he'd slapped back so callously and resolve to give Spock what he thought he wanted.
How could he have known? He had not even recognized how dependent he had become on Jim's company until he had pushed it away. How could he have been expected to recognize the tenderness and anticipation he'd felt was love? How could James “I don't believe in no-win scenarios” Kirk possibly be allowing Spock's Vulcan upbringing and blindness to hand him his first defeat?
He must act quickly. Doctor McCoy's Saurian brandy notwithstanding it was 0800, early even for the infamous James T Kirk to begin debauching. He estimated that the Captain would return to his quarters when he was finished in sickbay. Determination suffusing his being he paused outside the Captain's door and used his officer override code to enter and to wait.
***
The pneumatic hiss of the cabin door opening brought Spock to his feet. The Captain strode forward with his usual purposeful stride before coming to a comically abrupt halt in the center of his quarters upon spotting Spock standing at attention by his desk.
“Ah.. Mr. Spock. How... unusual. Is there something I can do for you?” The smile was perhaps more tentative now that he was looking for obvious signs, but Spock would have missed it had he not known what he was looking for.
“Indeed Captain.” Did the smile fade at the formal address? Humans were supposedly easy to read, why was this man such an enigma?
“I overheard your discussion with Doctor McCoy this morning-” All of the colour rushed out of Jim's face and Spock stepped forward in concern. “Jim, perhaps you should sit down. You appear to be on the verge of passing out.”
Jim blinked rapidly and shook himself. Spock marveled at his control as the vulnerability was subsumed and his friend stood steady before him again.
“No Mr. Spock, I think I'd better stand for this.” Those blue eyes raked over him and every nerve in Spock's body began to tense.
“I'm sorry that you had to hear that, although perhaps it's for the best that we clear the air between us.”
“Yes, Jim, that's why-” He was cut off by Jim's upraised hand.
“Please Spock, let me get this out all in one go.I don't know that I'll be able to finish if you interrupt me.”
“But Jim-”
“Please Spock.” A hint of desperation threaded through the words and Spock closed his mouth.
“I realize that you are uncomfortable with emotional displays so I will keep this brief. Yes, you overheard me tell Doctor McCoy that I was in love with you. I'd hoped to spare us both this discomfort but I feel since it is in the open now you deserve an explanation and some reassurance.”
“You are aware of course that I met with your future counterpart on Delta Vega?” The eyes darted quickly to him to catch his answering nod before returning to stare resolutely ahead.
“Yes, well. He told me of the great friendship that existed between himself and the James Kirk of that timeline. He encouraged me to develop a similar relationship with you, in the hopes that we might become the formidable team that existed for him.”
He cleared his throat and Spock observed the hard gaze softening slightly as he continued.
“I approached you all those months ago with that goal in mind, I thought we had made considerable progress in that regard when things began to change for me. I found myself wanting to be more in your company, wanting to get to know you - all aspects of you. I deluded myself into believing I saw a reciprocal desire in you. That night when we spoke of your mother and you let me see your pain I felt that we had reached the next level.”
The blue eyes swung towards him again and Spock nearly gasped at the depth of emotion shining in them.
“Please Spock, despite what I feel for you I would never wish you pain or discomfort. I realize now that you were trying to hold me back gently and I am sorry if this is a burden to you. Please believe I am fully capable of resolving this and nothing need change between us. I value you too deeply as an Officer and a friend to allow this to interfere.”
“To quote your counterpart I am, and will always be, your friend. This will be the last time we ever need to speak of this, I promise.”
The eyes were level and steady again on his. James T Kirk had made a promise and would start living up to it now.
Spock considered him objectively. Took in the handsome face and fit form, barely a shell for the implacable will and keen intellect housed within. He had no doubt that were he to allow it, he would never again feel the weight of Jim's love in those eyes or any expectations of regard from his words or actions. He was perhaps glad for these last two days of utter loneliness and misery for allowing him to repudiate the thought so thoroughly.
It was difficult to take the first step forward but he would not dare to let his courage falter in the face of Jim's brave honesty. The second step was noticeable easier and bare moments passed before he pulled Jim into his arms and was whispering urgently in his softly rounded ears.
“You would give me this incredible gift and take it away in the same stroke? I had not thought you so cruel in love.”
Jim's entire body went stiff and Spock could feel the emotions swirling in him. Desperate hope warring with disbelief surrounded by shock. Jim pulled back and tilted his head upwards to catch his gaze. Whatever he found in the stoic Vulcan regard sent a flood of reassurance through him and he relaxed so thoroughly and immediately that he was able to slip out of Spock's grasp.
“You mean this Spock? You feel this between us?” The words came off more as a challenge than a question. Spock was again surprised by the mercurial layers of James T Kirk as Jim's eyes took on a hooded and predatory cast that left him breathless.
“I..”He stammered. He never stammered. He was determined to meet this on even ground. “I do yes. I have missed you Jim, these past days.”
The emotional declaration brought a flash of triumph and tenderness to Jim's face. Spock filed that information away for future use as the firm body was pressed against his and that cool mouth began sucking on his lower lip.
He breathed in the rough scent of Jim and he opened his mouth to the exploring tongue. It was heady, this feeling, almost overwhelming as Jim's hands failed to find any one place they were content to rest. He seemed to determined to map and memorize every plane and texture of Spock's body with a gentle caress or a hard squeeze or a stinging scrape with his fingernails.
Spock felt the growl begin low in his throat and brought his hands up to hold Jim's mouth captive and he deepened the kiss and began walking them back towards the bed. Jim bit down on his neck and stopped him at the edge. Spock was loathe to cease the explorations of his tongue along the shell of Jim's ear but acknowledged the logic of removing his boots before pressing his Captain down onto the bed and covering him with his hard hot body. His hands toyed with the edge of Jim's shirt and sent his hands up and under to trace the hard muscle and smooth skin of his chest. Jim breathed his name softly as his own clever hands moved up to remove the barrier entirely.
His entire body felt flushed and he allowed Jim to reverse their positions and straddle him on the bed. His eyes held an electric quality as they pinned him in place.
“I want to see you,” he said lowly, desire fogging his voice as he worked Spock's blue tunic up to reveal his hard flat stomach.
“Yes.”
“I want to hear you scream my name.”
A sharp gasp as those hands deftly removed his belt and stroked a smooth sure pass along his erection.
“Yes Jim. Yes” His breathing was becoming ragged.
“I want to fuck you.” He brought his mouth to the band of the regulation briefs and flicked his tongue at soft flesh beneath.
“Yesss.” Spock exhaled his consent through gritted teeth and was rewarded with a blindingly bright smile and the light scraping of teeth. His hips bucked upwards and Jim was quick to take the opportunity to skim his pants and briefs down to his knees.
“Ah! Jim!” The first touch of Jim's tongue to the head of his penis brought the scream he'd asked for. Dimly he was aware that he should not be so responsive but he was unable to hold the thought as the tongue continued to flick and stroke and the cool mouth moved to suck him all the way in.
He could feel his blood rushing through his veins at every pulse point. Jim pressed two fingers into his mouth, letting the knuckles rub against Spock's shaft as he worked the muscles of his throat against the sensitive head. Spock was dimly aware that he had somehow lost his shirt as he surged up to cradle Jim's head between his hands, running his fingers through short sweat dampened curls and fighting to keep from forcing his way into that mouth. His good intentions failed when Jim met his eyes and smiled around his penis while two wet fingers found their way into him.
Jim moved with the thrust and pulled away. The possessiveness and passion on his face as he stood to discard his pants and briefs was breathtaking. Not once did his eyes waver from Spock's as he rummaged through the night stand and slicked his erection liberally with the lube he'd retrieved.
Spock dropped his gaze to watch the assured strokes pumping over the swollen member, coating over the head and wrapping around the shaft. Jim danced out of his way with a mischievous glint in his eyes when he reached out a hand to touch the gorgeous body finally revealed to him.
“No,” he murmured, that low quality in his voice sending shivers down Spock's spine. “Not this time.”
He waited for Spock's abrupt nod of acknowledgment before moving forward again. His slick fingers dipped down between them again to nudge Spock open a little bit wider, patient twisting motion completely belied by the strong hot mouthed kisses pressed along his neck and shoulders. Jim pressed forward with additional pressure from his knee and surprised another yelp out of Spock when the fingers scraped against his prostate.
He could feel the curve of Jim's smile against his neck and the mouth lifted to his ear to whisper, “I'm going to make you come so hard,” before the tongue moved up to curl at the shell and trace the point.
Jim pulled back and pushed at Spock's shoulder lightly, pressing him down into the mattress. He positioned the head of his penis at Spock's stretched entrance and pushed forward slowly, the expression on his face as he entered was such a mix of supreme pleasure and disbelief that Spock was forced to surge back to take him all at once.
The pain was there but the burning pleasure was stronger. He was also pleased to note that he had surprised Jim, perhaps for the first time in this encounter since he'd acknowledged his love for the Captain. In fact, he seemed to have been rendered speechless.
Spock's voice was hoarse with panting dryness and it came out almost a rasp. “Now Jim. I want you to fuck me now.”
The moan that rose from his throat surprised them both as Jim surged forward and pressed his face into Spock's neck, thrusting wildly. “I love you, “ he whispered fiercely. “I love you so much.' Whispered against his lips this time, Spock opened his mouth to catch it and was rewarded with a sob of relief and passion when he whispered back, “And I you Jim.”
Jim's hand reached between them and began rubbing Spock in time to his urgent pounding thrusts. Spock reached his hands up to grasp Jim's hips and arced his back up with every stroke against his prostate. The pressure began to build around the base of his spine and Jim's hoarse cry of his name was enough to propel him towards release.
Their breaths mingled as Jim stirred from where he'd collapsed on top of Spock. The welcome weight shifted as he levered himself up to look into his eyes. He seemed to be searching for something, some sort of reassurance needed even after this.
Spock tested a smile, please to see Jim's eyes widen.
“I hope you have learned a valuable lesson on giving up, Captain.”