all the right wrongs.
it’s painful to stand at the sidelines and watch.
somewhat of a throbbing sensation, really, to see something he has worked so terribly hard on (bringing two people closer together in an attempt to make them realize that what they have is love if nothing else) crumble into dust that’s blown away by the wind, as if the thing that has disintegrated has never been.
they’re so conflicting but this isn’t exactly a case of ‘opposites attract’ because they’re not attracted to each other from the beginning. only with some nonchalant prodding on ryeowook’s behalf did they begin to communicate, albeit subtly at first.
jonghyun is sneakers and jessica is high heels; jonghyun is beer and jessica is wine. different things, striking in comparison, but when put together make up the perfect combination of two things that are better as one and useless as separate elements.
truthfully, ryeowook realizes that it’s wishful thinking on his part to hope that jonghyun and jessica would realize that their hearts belong to each other; that the songs he writes are about her and the genuine smiles she rarely showcases is only for him. the most they could have is a fling, he knows that.
that doesn’t stop him from hoping.
“congratulations on the new girlfriend.”
it sounds wrong - it is wrong - but since he doesn’t know how else to phrase it, ryeowook just smiles cordially and hopes it masks his disappointment well enough. jonghyun’s face glows with a tiny smile as he murmurs a barely perceptible thank you hyung.
(thank you hyung and i’m so so sorry jessica i’m so damn sorry don’t run along equivalent lines but ryeowook hears that all the same. he also doesn’t miss the way jonghyun’s eyes flicker quickly in jessica’s direction, purely out of habit, until he realizes that he doesn’t have the right to anymore.
jessica doesn’t look at him at all, doesn’t talk to him at all, but it’s not like he doesn’t exist because the pain is there and the anger is there and the hurt is there, so he is still there.)
“jonghyun-ah, is this what you really want? does this make you happy?”
he knows it’s none of his business because this is sekyung and not jessica but ryeowook asks nonetheless because he wonders if all of this is comprised of genuine feelings or phony charades.
if it is real, though, then what the hell has he been working on this entire time?
a brusque, dry laugh resounds. it takes a few seconds for him to comprehend that it came from jonghyun. “i wish everyone would stop asking me that,” grouses the young man, “because i am. i have no idea where this is going to go but i am truly happy with sekyung.”
liar.
weary creases line jessica’s eyes and it worries those close to her although it’s nothing new; all nine girls look like they’ve aged ten years since they advanced into japan. all she could afford to receive are messages of encouragement that she will somehow try to convert into the will to go on.
“you look so tired lately, ‘sica,” murmurs onew after numerous days of noticing how sallow her cheeks are and how dark the circles under her eyes have become. “of course i am, jinki-ah,” she agrees with a giggle, “but i’m having fun doing what i do best.” she swats a playful, fragile hand against his forearm.
(ryeowook places a consoling arm on jonghyun’s shoulder as the latter winces at the sound of her voice and trembles just the tiniest bit not at the sight unfolding before him, but for the fact that he’s not supposed to care because he has a fucking girlfriend-and he does.)
onew smiles, eyes creasing into little stars, and then a faint pink shades jessica’s cheeks; soft rose petals against her skin that almost makes ryeowook cringe because it’s somehow obscene to him, because it’s so sincere and pure and lucid that it’s agonizing to witness.
“we haven’t been out to eat in a while. we should go out to eat sometime.”
“yeah! that would be great!”
onew doesn’t know, jessica might have forgotten, jonghyun has not and ryeowook just leaves the room, unable to sustain these feelings that he can’t really digest.
“hey, jessica!”
the petite woman turns, brown curls bouncing against her shoulders and tumbling down her back. “ryeowook-oppa,” jessica greets, offering him a slight bow before she raises an eyebrow in curiosity, wondering why he is looking for her.
“i have tickets to kyuhyun’s musical tomorrow night. want to come?”
“well…sure. i don’t have anything in my schedule for tomorrow night or the morning after that.”
“great!” relieved, ryeowook turns on his heels to leave but she grabs him by the elbow. “who else did you invite, oppa?” she questions, eyes wide (begging and bordering on terrified) and lips parted as she anticipates his answer.
“jonghyun.” i’m sorry.
“oh. okay.” it’s not okay. it’s not okay.
jessica is frozen and suddenly, she appears to him as too small and too afraid. the jacket she wears seems three sizes too big and it only takes a nanosecond for ryeowook to deduce that it isn’t her jacket after all.
“’sica-yah,” he pleads, tone low and raw, “just because jinki is good for you, it doesn’t mean he’s right.”
her eyes are vaguely glassy and her voice barely above a whisper as she says, “she’s good for him, and probably right, too, so where does that leave me?”
ryeowook strolls down the hallways, keeping an eye out for luna since he promised her that he would listen to her vocal warm-up exercises. he jerks himself to a stop when he hears familiar voices, hushed and quiet on the other side of the wall he’s hidden behind.
“i love you, jessica.” the confession is gentle and shy. it’s almost obvious that the person who uttered it is smiling.
“i love you, too, jinki.” silence follows and all that follows is breathes mingling together in a moment of peace.
footsteps clatter away as onew eventually leaves after the quick, intimate meeting.
as guilty as he feels for eavesdropping, ryeowook still steps out of his hiding place. when jessica stares at him, he notes just how lifeless her pretty eyes are. “i didn’t mean for it to happen,” she murmurs. “not like that, anyway. he’s such a good guy and - “
“ - and he won’t break hearts, crush dreams and throw wishes away.”
their heads snap so quickly that they almost get whiplashed. jonghyun is standing there, in his favorite gray t-shirt and black jeans. his eyes are blank and so, so sad that it makes jessica whimper, and when he smiles (it’s despondent and vacant and just so wrong) she feels a portion of her soul crack. he turns and leaves the way he came.
it’s doubtful that he will ever return but even if he does, it won’t be him anymore.