On abuse
I'm not a believer in the Behaviorist school of psychology, but I do think that they've done some very useful research. Mice, it turns out, have brains very similar to those of humans. What mice do, we do, although it's often highly metaphorical.
Experiment 1: Put mouse in cage. Provide a lever. Program lever to dispense food when it is pressed. The mouse will press the lever whenever it is hungry.
Experiment 2: Put mouse in cage. Provide a lever. Program lever to administer an electric shock when it is pressed. The mouse will press it a few times, but will do so with decreasing frequency, and eventually stop pressing it altogether.
Experiment 3: Put mouse in cage. Provide a lever. Program lever to either dispense food, or administer an electric shock (determine this randomly). The mouse will press it, and press it again. It becomes hooked on pressing that lever, dispensing more food than it needs to eat.
What has happened? The mouse interprets the randomness of the responses as if there is a skill to be learned - that if it can find the right way to press the lever, it will be rewarded consistently. However, because the randomness is random, and not skill-based, the mouse is stuck in 'learning mode', with no way to get out.
And that's how abuse works. Treating people nastily with little or no provocation, while rewarding them intermittently for the behaviours you like is a remarkably effective training mechanism. Abused people become addicted to trying to please their abusers, hooked on trying to learn the secret. But sometimes there is no secret, just abuse.
Abusers have good days and bad days. On their good days, they are very very good, on their bad days, they are apalling. Now, everybody has bad days - the difference between an abusive person and a non-abusive person on a bad day is that the non-abusive person accepts some responsibility for their behaviour. The abusive person will misbehave, and when challenged about their misbehaviour, will reply "You shouldn't have challenged me, I'm having a bad day." Non-abusive people misbehave too, but when challenged about their misbehaviour, will reply "I'm sorry, I'm having a bad day. How can I fix things between us?" (Of course, most people have tendencies in both directions, but I'm trying to keep things fairly simple.)
In relation to the player I had the dispute with, I was told by one person "He has his good days." My response is, of course he has his good days, the routine doesn't work if you don't mix some good days in.
And I've been abused in many ways for a long time, and I find abusers difficult to avoid - they have a seductive quality to them, and a familiarity as well. But I'm learning. Didn't quite have the sense to stay out of this one when other people were getting annoyed, but they've made it clear they don't want to do anything about it, and he does far less harm than I allowed myself to believe when I was angry.
It's very sad, watching someone hurt themselves. But he has a right to do it, and I have no desire to be abused.
Experiment 1: Put mouse in cage. Provide a lever. Program lever to dispense food when it is pressed. The mouse will press the lever whenever it is hungry.
Experiment 2: Put mouse in cage. Provide a lever. Program lever to administer an electric shock when it is pressed. The mouse will press it a few times, but will do so with decreasing frequency, and eventually stop pressing it altogether.
Experiment 3: Put mouse in cage. Provide a lever. Program lever to either dispense food, or administer an electric shock (determine this randomly). The mouse will press it, and press it again. It becomes hooked on pressing that lever, dispensing more food than it needs to eat.
What has happened? The mouse interprets the randomness of the responses as if there is a skill to be learned - that if it can find the right way to press the lever, it will be rewarded consistently. However, because the randomness is random, and not skill-based, the mouse is stuck in 'learning mode', with no way to get out.
And that's how abuse works. Treating people nastily with little or no provocation, while rewarding them intermittently for the behaviours you like is a remarkably effective training mechanism. Abused people become addicted to trying to please their abusers, hooked on trying to learn the secret. But sometimes there is no secret, just abuse.
Abusers have good days and bad days. On their good days, they are very very good, on their bad days, they are apalling. Now, everybody has bad days - the difference between an abusive person and a non-abusive person on a bad day is that the non-abusive person accepts some responsibility for their behaviour. The abusive person will misbehave, and when challenged about their misbehaviour, will reply "You shouldn't have challenged me, I'm having a bad day." Non-abusive people misbehave too, but when challenged about their misbehaviour, will reply "I'm sorry, I'm having a bad day. How can I fix things between us?" (Of course, most people have tendencies in both directions, but I'm trying to keep things fairly simple.)
In relation to the player I had the dispute with, I was told by one person "He has his good days." My response is, of course he has his good days, the routine doesn't work if you don't mix some good days in.
And I've been abused in many ways for a long time, and I find abusers difficult to avoid - they have a seductive quality to them, and a familiarity as well. But I'm learning. Didn't quite have the sense to stay out of this one when other people were getting annoyed, but they've made it clear they don't want to do anything about it, and he does far less harm than I allowed myself to believe when I was angry.
It's very sad, watching someone hurt themselves. But he has a right to do it, and I have no desire to be abused.