[OS] Anniversary: Lost in destroying thoughts [Ohmiya]
Title: Anniversary: Lost in destroying thoughts
Genre: angst
Raiting: PG-13
Pairing: Ohmiya (hints of Juntoshi)
Word count: 1 891
Summary: Ninomiya Kazunari has always known that jealousy can have terrible consequences. But he never thought that one day it would be enough to make him want to give up everything.
N/A: Wrote this oneshot after my trip to Arashi-land last year, to get back the feeling of writing. Turned out pretty well so I decided to post it :D
It felt as if something had found a way into his inner self, secretly, unnoticed in the beginning, but when it had reached its goal, all of a sudden permanent and definitely felt. As if this something would now enchain his heart with hard and cold chains, waiting for the right moment to draw the snare together to destoy him from the inside.
It wouldn’t take long for this moment to come.
It felt wrong. Eveything felt so damned wrong, everything he saw, everything that came to his eyes. Although they were just little touches, minimal glances - insignificant for everyone who might see them, but so very clear to him. So painful.
Nino could not escape the feeling of loosing everything. Initially it had been just a little jealousy, reasonable, but too little to be threatening.
For this reason he had swallowed it down, together with the pictures that he saw daily, had tried to supress the awkward feelings that grew more and more. But he could not do that completely. With every further touch, every insignificant soft glance between Ohno and Jun it all came back to him. And swallowing got more and more difficult until he couldn't do it anymore.
But Nino was not a man of many words, or someone who relished conflict. Every day he'd just hoped it would simply vanish and not be a problem for him anymore. He had waited so long for this moment already, had wanted to laugh when it came; about all his strange thoughts, about everytime he felt this pain inside him. Unreasonable pain, he had wanted to tell himself then.
But this moment did not come. Instead the pain grew more and more, just as the glances between Ohno and Jun increased and the lovely spoken words during the shooting-breaks got even sweeter.
Ohno laughed for him, laughed for Jun the same way Nino had loved so much. Now he started to hate it.
Shouldn't it be enough for him to have Ohno for himself every night? Every evening, when they both came home, tired and stressed from work, the clothes sticking to their exhausted bodies, just wanting to take a shower and then sleep, but nevertheless finding time to share together. Time to exchange loving kisses, and feeling soft, yet demanding touches.
It hadn’t been enough for a long time now.
"Yes, exactly! Matsumoto-san, stay like that. Ohno-san, smile a little bit more! Perfect!" echoed the voice of the photographer loud and more than pleased through the studio, followed by a wave of bright lights and Nino had trouble to keep his eyes open. In fact this was routine - an everyday event - but in this very moment it felt unfamilliar. At the moment he did not sleep at night, devoured and kept awake by thoughts he just couldn't chase away anymore.
The worst thing about it was that no one seemed to notice.
But what should they notice? As they all went their own ways in the evening and no one knew that Ohno and Nino found themselves together again. As they were hiding this little secret as well as they could, locked deep in their hearts, only allowed to come out when they were sure to be all alone. This had been Ohno's condition one year ago. Nino remembered this moment perfectly, his palms sweaty from excitement, his lips trembling as he confessed his feelings, his voice only barely audibly. Ohno's answering smile had made him love the older man even more, had driven the feelings to an unsurpassable maximum.
Now he saw where this had led him.
"Ninomiya-san, not that serious, this does not fit into the whole picture!"
Nino took a deep breath, reanimated the facade which had been, which was his loyal friend over all those years that he had worked in the entertainment-business.
And somehow another day was safed.
"Leader, what are you up to tonight? I found a new restaurant and immediately thought of you! You're gonna love it!" Friendly words fell from Jun’s lips with incomprehensible ease. Full and beautiful lips, Nino realised once again. Matsumoto Jun had the perfect mouth for kissing and could surely do some things with it Nino couldn’t even dream of.
Would his boyfriend think the same?
"Tonight?" Ohno seemed to think about it for a moment and everything tensed within Nino.
But the moment was too short.
"Of course, I'd love to."
The snare around Nino’s heart tightened.
The only thing he could do now was to escape, to hurry out of the room as quickly as he could while remaining undetected. He knew he would break, sometime today, sometime during this damn evening that should have been so special for him.
One year. Tonight it was one year.
An anniversary that he was forced to spend alone now. Within a flat that they had shared for almost as long.
"You're still awake?" his partner's voice reached him. He did not really sound drunk, but it was obvious that it hadn’t been just one beer either. The evening had been long, long and lonely, and Nino hadn’t been able to fall asleep for many reasons. Reasons he'd sworn to never say aloud.
"Looks like...," was the weak answer.
"Sorry." Ohno lowered himself slowly onto the couch next to him, exausted but with a highly visible sparkle in his eyes. Something, Nino hadn’t see in his eyes for months. And he felt like throwing up.
"What are you sorry for?" the words just left his lips, although Nino did not want to continue the conversation. He just wanted to go to bed, call it a day and never ever think about it again. At the same time he knew that he wanted so much more, attention, contact, closeness. Something he had not feel for weeks. Of course, they kissed as often as they always did, made love almost daily, but it had not felt real to Nino. Not like it had felt before, not the way he way used to, not the way he loved.
"I... don't know. I had the feeling I'd have to. Because you seem to object to something."
There was no better answer to get, thought Nino sarcastically, while he stood up and moved away from the couch, without touching Ohno.
"What's wrong now?" the older man's words reached him just in time, but he didn’t want to hear them, didn't want to hear anything anymore for fear of breaking apart.
"Just forget about it." He slammed the door to the bedroom shut with such an intensity that he thought it would break any moment now. But it just remained closed and separated him from his friend, who had to still be sitting quite baffled in the living room, with no idea what was wrong with Nino.
He couldn't know as Nino had never said anything.
A few minutes later the door swung open again and Nino shut his eyes against the bright light it brought with it. He shot a quick glance at his friend, who hesitated on the threshold, then Nino turned away and pulled the blanket over his head.
"Kazu... ?"
And the bed moved, creaked a little to show Nino that Ohno was lying down next to him. One moment later he already felt them, quick fingers that flew over his body. Nino did not stop them.
Ohno's lips tasted of beer and cigarettes, they felt so different, rough and firm. Unfamilliar. Awkward.
Had he kissed Jun this night?
Nino also did not fight the pain, as he had not done for the whole last year. In retrospect, only the first few months had been full of joy. He did not remember exactly when it had begun to change. Suddenly it had been different. It, which he couldn't even put into words.
Ohno pulled him to his warm body, so close that Nino could hear Ohno's heart beat within his chest.
But did it still beat for him?
Had it ever done so?
The tears came quicker and more suprising than he would have thought. They ran gently and honestly down his reddened cheeks and got lost within his shirt, leaving behind wetness all over his face.
"I am sorry, Kazu..."
But he only cried harder. The tears could not be stopped or held back anymore, and were accompanied by quiet snuffles, as if they belonged together.
"Don't apologize for something you don't know anything about." Nino hardly recognised his voice. On the one hand it was broken, weak, maybe a little weepy because of the snuffles. On the other, it sounded so different and cold, with a tone he couldn’t even achieve while acting. It did not fit him. A result of all those months full of suffering? Maybe this was just it. Maybe he had just reached the piont where he could not continue as if nothing was wrong anymore.
"Why didn’t you tell me a long time ago?" And also something about Ohno's vioce had changed, something Nino couldn't interpret, couldn't understand. But he had no time to think about it before the next words reached his ear, quiet, but spoken firmly:
"Why do you have to break down, before you show me that something is wrong?"
And Nino could only be silent, couldn't say anything, no words of explanation; he could only be silent and snuggle closer to this warm body, trying to get as much as possible of this false closeness. At least this was more than nothing.
"Kazu..."
Why did he call him that still? Hadn't they almost reached the end? Hadn't Ohno almost done it? Nino was at the end of his strength already, done with everything and the world. What did Ohno still want? And why did he smell like Jun's perfume?
"Let's... let's just break-", Nino suddenly began, as it was the only thought in his head that made sense. But he was interrupted by Ohno before he could finally say it out loud.
"I told Jun-kun that we are together today."
Was this it? The moment he had been waiting for for such a long time? The moment in which he had wanted to laugh, because all those negative thoughts had been just so stupid and piontless?
But why didn't he feel like laughing?
"Satoshi..." he breathed quietly between snuffles that almost took his voice. One second later he felt his boyfriend’s lips again, carefully and hesistantly, as if Ohno didn't know if he was allowed to kiss him at all. And Nino kissed him back, putting everything he had in it, he just needed it so badly. Because he needed to get rid of all those depressive feelings inside him, feelings that had driven him so far into these doubts that he nearly gave up.
But Ohno stopped the kiss sooner than Nino wanted him to and looked at him with deep-brown, serious eyes.
"Please don't ask me to know what's wrong with you. You see... where this leads us. Please let me know what you think a little more often this coming year..."
Nino could only nod while the tears ran down his wet cheeks.
And he moved forward to let their lips meet another time.
The end
Genre: angst
Raiting: PG-13
Pairing: Ohmiya (hints of Juntoshi)
Word count: 1 891
Summary: Ninomiya Kazunari has always known that jealousy can have terrible consequences. But he never thought that one day it would be enough to make him want to give up everything.
N/A: Wrote this oneshot after my trip to Arashi-land last year, to get back the feeling of writing. Turned out pretty well so I decided to post it :D
It felt as if something had found a way into his inner self, secretly, unnoticed in the beginning, but when it had reached its goal, all of a sudden permanent and definitely felt. As if this something would now enchain his heart with hard and cold chains, waiting for the right moment to draw the snare together to destoy him from the inside.
It wouldn’t take long for this moment to come.
It felt wrong. Eveything felt so damned wrong, everything he saw, everything that came to his eyes. Although they were just little touches, minimal glances - insignificant for everyone who might see them, but so very clear to him. So painful.
Nino could not escape the feeling of loosing everything. Initially it had been just a little jealousy, reasonable, but too little to be threatening.
For this reason he had swallowed it down, together with the pictures that he saw daily, had tried to supress the awkward feelings that grew more and more. But he could not do that completely. With every further touch, every insignificant soft glance between Ohno and Jun it all came back to him. And swallowing got more and more difficult until he couldn't do it anymore.
But Nino was not a man of many words, or someone who relished conflict. Every day he'd just hoped it would simply vanish and not be a problem for him anymore. He had waited so long for this moment already, had wanted to laugh when it came; about all his strange thoughts, about everytime he felt this pain inside him. Unreasonable pain, he had wanted to tell himself then.
But this moment did not come. Instead the pain grew more and more, just as the glances between Ohno and Jun increased and the lovely spoken words during the shooting-breaks got even sweeter.
Ohno laughed for him, laughed for Jun the same way Nino had loved so much. Now he started to hate it.
Shouldn't it be enough for him to have Ohno for himself every night? Every evening, when they both came home, tired and stressed from work, the clothes sticking to their exhausted bodies, just wanting to take a shower and then sleep, but nevertheless finding time to share together. Time to exchange loving kisses, and feeling soft, yet demanding touches.
It hadn’t been enough for a long time now.
"Yes, exactly! Matsumoto-san, stay like that. Ohno-san, smile a little bit more! Perfect!" echoed the voice of the photographer loud and more than pleased through the studio, followed by a wave of bright lights and Nino had trouble to keep his eyes open. In fact this was routine - an everyday event - but in this very moment it felt unfamilliar. At the moment he did not sleep at night, devoured and kept awake by thoughts he just couldn't chase away anymore.
The worst thing about it was that no one seemed to notice.
But what should they notice? As they all went their own ways in the evening and no one knew that Ohno and Nino found themselves together again. As they were hiding this little secret as well as they could, locked deep in their hearts, only allowed to come out when they were sure to be all alone. This had been Ohno's condition one year ago. Nino remembered this moment perfectly, his palms sweaty from excitement, his lips trembling as he confessed his feelings, his voice only barely audibly. Ohno's answering smile had made him love the older man even more, had driven the feelings to an unsurpassable maximum.
Now he saw where this had led him.
"Ninomiya-san, not that serious, this does not fit into the whole picture!"
Nino took a deep breath, reanimated the facade which had been, which was his loyal friend over all those years that he had worked in the entertainment-business.
And somehow another day was safed.
"Leader, what are you up to tonight? I found a new restaurant and immediately thought of you! You're gonna love it!" Friendly words fell from Jun’s lips with incomprehensible ease. Full and beautiful lips, Nino realised once again. Matsumoto Jun had the perfect mouth for kissing and could surely do some things with it Nino couldn’t even dream of.
Would his boyfriend think the same?
"Tonight?" Ohno seemed to think about it for a moment and everything tensed within Nino.
But the moment was too short.
"Of course, I'd love to."
The snare around Nino’s heart tightened.
The only thing he could do now was to escape, to hurry out of the room as quickly as he could while remaining undetected. He knew he would break, sometime today, sometime during this damn evening that should have been so special for him.
One year. Tonight it was one year.
An anniversary that he was forced to spend alone now. Within a flat that they had shared for almost as long.
"You're still awake?" his partner's voice reached him. He did not really sound drunk, but it was obvious that it hadn’t been just one beer either. The evening had been long, long and lonely, and Nino hadn’t been able to fall asleep for many reasons. Reasons he'd sworn to never say aloud.
"Looks like...," was the weak answer.
"Sorry." Ohno lowered himself slowly onto the couch next to him, exausted but with a highly visible sparkle in his eyes. Something, Nino hadn’t see in his eyes for months. And he felt like throwing up.
"What are you sorry for?" the words just left his lips, although Nino did not want to continue the conversation. He just wanted to go to bed, call it a day and never ever think about it again. At the same time he knew that he wanted so much more, attention, contact, closeness. Something he had not feel for weeks. Of course, they kissed as often as they always did, made love almost daily, but it had not felt real to Nino. Not like it had felt before, not the way he way used to, not the way he loved.
"I... don't know. I had the feeling I'd have to. Because you seem to object to something."
There was no better answer to get, thought Nino sarcastically, while he stood up and moved away from the couch, without touching Ohno.
"What's wrong now?" the older man's words reached him just in time, but he didn’t want to hear them, didn't want to hear anything anymore for fear of breaking apart.
"Just forget about it." He slammed the door to the bedroom shut with such an intensity that he thought it would break any moment now. But it just remained closed and separated him from his friend, who had to still be sitting quite baffled in the living room, with no idea what was wrong with Nino.
He couldn't know as Nino had never said anything.
A few minutes later the door swung open again and Nino shut his eyes against the bright light it brought with it. He shot a quick glance at his friend, who hesitated on the threshold, then Nino turned away and pulled the blanket over his head.
"Kazu... ?"
And the bed moved, creaked a little to show Nino that Ohno was lying down next to him. One moment later he already felt them, quick fingers that flew over his body. Nino did not stop them.
Ohno's lips tasted of beer and cigarettes, they felt so different, rough and firm. Unfamilliar. Awkward.
Had he kissed Jun this night?
Nino also did not fight the pain, as he had not done for the whole last year. In retrospect, only the first few months had been full of joy. He did not remember exactly when it had begun to change. Suddenly it had been different. It, which he couldn't even put into words.
Ohno pulled him to his warm body, so close that Nino could hear Ohno's heart beat within his chest.
But did it still beat for him?
Had it ever done so?
The tears came quicker and more suprising than he would have thought. They ran gently and honestly down his reddened cheeks and got lost within his shirt, leaving behind wetness all over his face.
"I am sorry, Kazu..."
But he only cried harder. The tears could not be stopped or held back anymore, and were accompanied by quiet snuffles, as if they belonged together.
"Don't apologize for something you don't know anything about." Nino hardly recognised his voice. On the one hand it was broken, weak, maybe a little weepy because of the snuffles. On the other, it sounded so different and cold, with a tone he couldn’t even achieve while acting. It did not fit him. A result of all those months full of suffering? Maybe this was just it. Maybe he had just reached the piont where he could not continue as if nothing was wrong anymore.
"Why didn’t you tell me a long time ago?" And also something about Ohno's vioce had changed, something Nino couldn't interpret, couldn't understand. But he had no time to think about it before the next words reached his ear, quiet, but spoken firmly:
"Why do you have to break down, before you show me that something is wrong?"
And Nino could only be silent, couldn't say anything, no words of explanation; he could only be silent and snuggle closer to this warm body, trying to get as much as possible of this false closeness. At least this was more than nothing.
"Kazu..."
Why did he call him that still? Hadn't they almost reached the end? Hadn't Ohno almost done it? Nino was at the end of his strength already, done with everything and the world. What did Ohno still want? And why did he smell like Jun's perfume?
"Let's... let's just break-", Nino suddenly began, as it was the only thought in his head that made sense. But he was interrupted by Ohno before he could finally say it out loud.
"I told Jun-kun that we are together today."
Was this it? The moment he had been waiting for for such a long time? The moment in which he had wanted to laugh, because all those negative thoughts had been just so stupid and piontless?
But why didn't he feel like laughing?
"Satoshi..." he breathed quietly between snuffles that almost took his voice. One second later he felt his boyfriend’s lips again, carefully and hesistantly, as if Ohno didn't know if he was allowed to kiss him at all. And Nino kissed him back, putting everything he had in it, he just needed it so badly. Because he needed to get rid of all those depressive feelings inside him, feelings that had driven him so far into these doubts that he nearly gave up.
But Ohno stopped the kiss sooner than Nino wanted him to and looked at him with deep-brown, serious eyes.
"Please don't ask me to know what's wrong with you. You see... where this leads us. Please let me know what you think a little more often this coming year..."
Nino could only nod while the tears ran down his wet cheeks.
And he moved forward to let their lips meet another time.
The end