For some reason lately, the subject of apology keeps coming up in one context or another. A variety of friends have had issues with apologies, anger, and interpersonal issues lately. It's also come up for characters in a storyline I'm writing in
Fallen Leaves. It's gotten me thinking about apologies in general.
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Some thoughts on the nature of apologies. )
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Having gone through a rough spot with some old friends lately, it's good to see that I handled it fairly well. I had found out that I'd been deeply hurting them and simply let her speak her grievances instead of trying to justify myself. I did have to admit that I wasn't sure what to do to fix it immediately and I hadn't been aware of it, but I accepted my role as the bad guy and over time we've worked things out. The same closeness still isn't back, but I haven't completely reformed either. There's always something more we can learn, huh?
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I noticed a couple of weeks ago that I was constantly apologising. Sometimes every couple of sentences. And haven't really figured out what was triggering it, and also trying to stem the stream of apologetic language.
This makes something fall into place for me: I didn't understand that a real apology isn't about making someone stop being angry, it's about recognizing your own transgressions, and wanting to make amends. --- because I don't think my new habit of using apologetic language is actually about transgressions and amends, but a pre-emptive deflecting of disapproval that I'm expecting (in my own head). Eshala also commented that it starts to change the way I take up space (and not really in a good way).
Thanks for your thoughtful reflection. It has shifted my perspective, and I was completely stuck.
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