I need a better vice.
"Hey, do you know if Puritan preachers used to preach against playing cards to the masses?"
"It seems to me that Puritan preachers used to preach against a lot of things, Matt, including comedy."
"I feel like there must be a record of that somewhere. Was 'Sinners in the Hands of an Angry God' about playing cards?"
"No, I think it was about sin, actually."
"Idleness is a sin."
"You mean sloth? It's an animal."
"What?"
"Yeah, you know, it's an animal. Lives in the rainforest, hangs upside down. Moss grows on 'em, they're really quite fascinating."
"Be that as it may be, I don't think they get around to playing cards very much."
"What's your point?"
"Devil card games! The tool of the Deceiver! The scourge of honest, hard-working menfolk all over this colony!"
"Matt?"
"Yeah?"
"Are you playing Solitaire on your computer instead of writing us our show?"
"Canfield, but yeah."
"Right. Don't do that."
"What do you think about God as a malevolant blackjack dealer, d'you think that would be funny?"
"I think you're eating it, and blaming it on Jonathan Edwards."
"Well, he's been dead a long time, so he would know something, wouldn't he?"
"Matt, take the card games off your computer and go be funny for us."
"Harry could give me perspective."
"Harry's in costume getting fitted for Nursing Home Cabaret."
"So I shouldn't go bother her."
"No, I think you should go write, sinnerman."
"Sloth is a deadly sin, you know. I think cards fall under just venal, right?"
"You're Jewish, you're screwed anyway. Stop wasting my time."
"Right." Beat. "Suzanne!"
This has been my life lately. I'm not even kidding.
"It seems to me that Puritan preachers used to preach against a lot of things, Matt, including comedy."
"I feel like there must be a record of that somewhere. Was 'Sinners in the Hands of an Angry God' about playing cards?"
"No, I think it was about sin, actually."
"Idleness is a sin."
"You mean sloth? It's an animal."
"What?"
"Yeah, you know, it's an animal. Lives in the rainforest, hangs upside down. Moss grows on 'em, they're really quite fascinating."
"Be that as it may be, I don't think they get around to playing cards very much."
"What's your point?"
"Devil card games! The tool of the Deceiver! The scourge of honest, hard-working menfolk all over this colony!"
"Matt?"
"Yeah?"
"Are you playing Solitaire on your computer instead of writing us our show?"
"Canfield, but yeah."
"Right. Don't do that."
"What do you think about God as a malevolant blackjack dealer, d'you think that would be funny?"
"I think you're eating it, and blaming it on Jonathan Edwards."
"Well, he's been dead a long time, so he would know something, wouldn't he?"
"Matt, take the card games off your computer and go be funny for us."
"Harry could give me perspective."
"Harry's in costume getting fitted for Nursing Home Cabaret."
"So I shouldn't go bother her."
"No, I think you should go write, sinnerman."
"Sloth is a deadly sin, you know. I think cards fall under just venal, right?"
"You're Jewish, you're screwed anyway. Stop wasting my time."
"Right." Beat. "Suzanne!"
This has been my life lately. I'm not even kidding.