wrisomifu fic of Great Ridiculousness
Written for sophinisba's prompt: Donna Noble in Camelot, sorting things out.
Donna Noble, King of Camelot
Doctor Who/Merlin; 1544 words
Through the bars Donna could see the Doctor sitting miserably on the little pile of straw in his own cell. He looked pathetic, like an undernourished puppy with silly hair. Only a really heartless person would shout at him when he was like that.
On the other hand, he had promised Donna a holiday. And now she was in a dungeon. Sitting on straw.
“You said we were going to a pleasure planet!”
“It is a pleasure planet,” replied the Doctor.
Donna looked around, it wasn't the nicest dungeon she'd ever been in. It wasn't even the nicest dungeon she'd been in this week.
“What sort of kinky bugger would enjoy this? You said it was a holiday planet based on all those Knights of the Round Table stories. You promised me handsome knights in swishy cloaks performing gallant deeds in my name. I was going to pull a sword out of a stone and get myself crowned the king of England.”
“It was. Once upon a time it was a fairytale planet; gallant knights, beautiful maidens, and indoor plumbing for the tourists. But then something went wrong. The bio-engineered life-forms must have broken free of their programming, they're building their own Camelot. A real Camelot! It's brilliant!”
“Yes, I'm especially enjoying this dungeon.”
Just then two knights in swishy cloaks arrived, they looked like they might be gallant until they got close enough for you to smell them.
They dragged the Doctor out of his cell. “Don't you dare hurt him!” Donna shouted. “Although,” she added, under her breath, “if you could gag him for a bit that might be nice.”
Fifteen minutes later the Doctor was brought back. The two knights were with him, along with another man in an even swishier cloak and a crown.
This was obviously Big Chief Bio-Engineered Life-form.
“I am King Uther Pendragon, are you as much of a bibbling idiot as your companion?”
Donna looked at the Doctor. “No, absolutely not.”
*
“...When was the last time you had the straw changed in that dungeon, and would it kill those guards to have a wash once in a while?” Donna ranted.
Uther looked at her with an amused twinkle in his eye. It was quite a nice twinkle, actually. “You must be a noblewoman, no commoner would dare speak to her king in such a manner.”
“Oh, yeah, I'm Lady Donna Noble of, er, TARDIS.”
“Strange. The man in you arrived with, he claimed to be Lord Doctor of Tardis, your husband?”
“Good god, no. He's my brother. My imbecile brother.”
“Come, Lady Donna of Tardis,” Uther offered her his arm. “You can join me in watching some witches burn.”
Donna agonised about it long and hard, but it turned out that no amount of cheeky twinkling could make her ignore the fact that Uther was a genocidal maniac.
*
On her way down to visit the Doctor she ran into a very pretty young man in a red shirt.
“Who are you?” the young man demanded.
“Lady Donna of, oh sod it, I'm Donna Noble. Who're you?”
“Arthur Pendragon.”
“Oh. My. God. You're King Arthur.”
“Prince Arthur, actu--”
“You're brilliant. I bloody love you.”
“In that case...” the pretty boy preened a bit and drew himself up to his full height.
“When you pull the sword out of the stone, that's the best bit.”
“Er.”
“Although,” Donna looked Arthur up and down critically, “I expected you to be taller.”
Donna left Arthur having extracted a promise that he'd let her have a go at any swords that needed to be pulled out of stones. Also, that he'd try to grow another few inches.
*
“You told me this was a pleasure planet,” Donna shouted at the Doctor. “One rich human's fantasy playground, you said. What about Uther, eh? Whose fantasy is being burned to death by a handsome genocidal maniac in leather?”
“It's a weird and wonderful universe, Donna. There are people out there whose idea of sexual bliss is being licked by me.”
“No, there aren't.”
“Well, not as such, no.” said the Doctor wistfully.
“The point is,” said Donna, “that this is a man who thinks that watching people burn to a crisp is a good first date. We can't leave him in charge of an entire planet.”
“Well, overthrow him if he's that bad. Oh, and Donna, if you get a spare five minutes do you think you could get me out of this dungeon?”
Donna waved her hand dismissively. She had a coup to plan.
*
Donna invited Uther to take a stroll to the TARDIS with her. In between his exclamations of “It's bigger on the inside!” and “It must be sorcery!” she shoved him into the Doctor's bedroom and locked the door.
*
On her way out of the TARDIS Donna remembered to pick up the sonic screwdriver from the console. She couldn't figure out how to change it from the giant magnet setting, and the knights of Camelot were dressed entirely in chainmail.
It didn't take them long to decide that Donna Noble was the rightful ruler of Camelot, after all.
*
Donna had only been planning on being King of Camelot for a few days. She meant to hand the kingdom over to Prince Pretty Boy, honest.
Then a boy with big ears who, for some reason, was was wearing his bandanna around his neck came to her, wringing his hands. “Hello, I'm Merlin.”
“You're Merlin? But Merlin's meant to look like a cross between Dumbledore and Santa Claus. This is a bonkers planet!”
“Er, okay. It's about Arthur. He'll make a great king, he really will. Just, maybe, not yet. It's destiny, you see. And I thought if I took him on a couple of quests, slaying dragons--”
“--Rescuing kittens from trees, that kind of thing?”
“That kind of thing, yes.”
“Frolicking about with your shirts off?”
“Er, if that's what it takes.”
“Hmm. Well, I always liked Brokeback Mountain. Off you go with your fancy man, then.”
Prince Arthur burst into the throne room intending to have it out with this usurper of the throne. Merlin took his arm and led him gently away.
“But! But that woman has stolen my crown!”
“She's just keeping it warm for you, Arthur. Now, come on. We've got some questing to do.”
“Dragons and the like?”
“And the like, yes.”
Merlin waved back at Donna as he led Arthur out the door.
*
“You were King Uther's ward?” The girl would have been disgustingly beautiful if not for the big black circles under her eyes. Insomnia was good like that. “What's your name again?”
“Lady Morgana.”
“Morgana, eh. You're not about to go evil from lack of sleep, are you?”
“Not until at least next Tuesday, no.”
*
“This injury could only have been caused by sorcery,” Gaius, the court physician, informed her.
“No, that other bloke stabbed him with a big sword. I saw it with my own eyes.”
Sometimes Donna doubted Gaius's qualifications as a doctor.
*
Along with scads of gold, Castle Camelot apparently came equipped with its own dragon.
“Ah, you are the new king.”
“And you're a dragon! How did you get down here?”
“King Uther hated magical creatures. He imprisoned me.”
“Seriously, though. I had to walk through mile and miles of tiny, winding tunnels just to get down here. And you're a giant, fire-breathing lizard. How did they get you in here?”
“I could tell you your future, King Donna.”
“Oh, please, I get enough of that from the Doctor.”
*
“You're Guinevere. As in the Guinevere.”
“Er, probably,” said Gwen.
Of course Donna knew Gwen, everyone knew Gwen. She was forever bustling about quietly running the place and fussing about the increasingly sleep deprived Morgana. Donna just didn't know that she'd cheated her out of future queen-hood.
“Well, obviously I'm not going to marry you.”
“Good, I think,” said Gwen.
“And I bet being queen's really overrated. You'd of had to marry Arthur, and he's gay. And, actually, really short.” Donna suddenly had a brilliant idea. “Tell you what, I'll make you a royal advisor and get you some sleeping pills from the TARDIS to give to Morgana.”
*
Donna eventually remembered to let the Doctor out of the dungeon. He was led to the throne room where Donna was sitting on an elaborate throne, flanked on either side by Gwen and Morgana.
“So,” he said, hands stuffed into his pockets, “you're king now?”
“I'm thinking of changing it to prime minister, though,” said Donna. “Introducing democracy and all that.”
“You're wearing a crown.”
“Yes, well, they insisted.”
“And... carrying a sceptre.”
“Good for hitting people with,” said Donna with a nod.
“So you don't want to come travelling with me again?”
At that, Donna laughed. “Sorry, Doctor. I've got a kingdom to run here.”
“Right,” said the Doctor, sloping miserably towards the door. “I'll just be off, then.”
“Oh, Doctor!”
“Yes?”
“Next time you're on Earth ask Martha if she fancies a new job. I really must see about getting a proper doctor for this place.”
It wasn't until several days later that Donna realised that she'd forgotten to mention to the Doctor that Uther was still in his bedroom.
Donna Noble, King of Camelot
Doctor Who/Merlin; 1544 words
Through the bars Donna could see the Doctor sitting miserably on the little pile of straw in his own cell. He looked pathetic, like an undernourished puppy with silly hair. Only a really heartless person would shout at him when he was like that.
On the other hand, he had promised Donna a holiday. And now she was in a dungeon. Sitting on straw.
“You said we were going to a pleasure planet!”
“It is a pleasure planet,” replied the Doctor.
Donna looked around, it wasn't the nicest dungeon she'd ever been in. It wasn't even the nicest dungeon she'd been in this week.
“What sort of kinky bugger would enjoy this? You said it was a holiday planet based on all those Knights of the Round Table stories. You promised me handsome knights in swishy cloaks performing gallant deeds in my name. I was going to pull a sword out of a stone and get myself crowned the king of England.”
“It was. Once upon a time it was a fairytale planet; gallant knights, beautiful maidens, and indoor plumbing for the tourists. But then something went wrong. The bio-engineered life-forms must have broken free of their programming, they're building their own Camelot. A real Camelot! It's brilliant!”
“Yes, I'm especially enjoying this dungeon.”
Just then two knights in swishy cloaks arrived, they looked like they might be gallant until they got close enough for you to smell them.
They dragged the Doctor out of his cell. “Don't you dare hurt him!” Donna shouted. “Although,” she added, under her breath, “if you could gag him for a bit that might be nice.”
Fifteen minutes later the Doctor was brought back. The two knights were with him, along with another man in an even swishier cloak and a crown.
This was obviously Big Chief Bio-Engineered Life-form.
“I am King Uther Pendragon, are you as much of a bibbling idiot as your companion?”
Donna looked at the Doctor. “No, absolutely not.”
*
“...When was the last time you had the straw changed in that dungeon, and would it kill those guards to have a wash once in a while?” Donna ranted.
Uther looked at her with an amused twinkle in his eye. It was quite a nice twinkle, actually. “You must be a noblewoman, no commoner would dare speak to her king in such a manner.”
“Oh, yeah, I'm Lady Donna Noble of, er, TARDIS.”
“Strange. The man in you arrived with, he claimed to be Lord Doctor of Tardis, your husband?”
“Good god, no. He's my brother. My imbecile brother.”
“Come, Lady Donna of Tardis,” Uther offered her his arm. “You can join me in watching some witches burn.”
Donna agonised about it long and hard, but it turned out that no amount of cheeky twinkling could make her ignore the fact that Uther was a genocidal maniac.
*
On her way down to visit the Doctor she ran into a very pretty young man in a red shirt.
“Who are you?” the young man demanded.
“Lady Donna of, oh sod it, I'm Donna Noble. Who're you?”
“Arthur Pendragon.”
“Oh. My. God. You're King Arthur.”
“Prince Arthur, actu--”
“You're brilliant. I bloody love you.”
“In that case...” the pretty boy preened a bit and drew himself up to his full height.
“When you pull the sword out of the stone, that's the best bit.”
“Er.”
“Although,” Donna looked Arthur up and down critically, “I expected you to be taller.”
Donna left Arthur having extracted a promise that he'd let her have a go at any swords that needed to be pulled out of stones. Also, that he'd try to grow another few inches.
*
“You told me this was a pleasure planet,” Donna shouted at the Doctor. “One rich human's fantasy playground, you said. What about Uther, eh? Whose fantasy is being burned to death by a handsome genocidal maniac in leather?”
“It's a weird and wonderful universe, Donna. There are people out there whose idea of sexual bliss is being licked by me.”
“No, there aren't.”
“Well, not as such, no.” said the Doctor wistfully.
“The point is,” said Donna, “that this is a man who thinks that watching people burn to a crisp is a good first date. We can't leave him in charge of an entire planet.”
“Well, overthrow him if he's that bad. Oh, and Donna, if you get a spare five minutes do you think you could get me out of this dungeon?”
Donna waved her hand dismissively. She had a coup to plan.
*
Donna invited Uther to take a stroll to the TARDIS with her. In between his exclamations of “It's bigger on the inside!” and “It must be sorcery!” she shoved him into the Doctor's bedroom and locked the door.
*
On her way out of the TARDIS Donna remembered to pick up the sonic screwdriver from the console. She couldn't figure out how to change it from the giant magnet setting, and the knights of Camelot were dressed entirely in chainmail.
It didn't take them long to decide that Donna Noble was the rightful ruler of Camelot, after all.
*
Donna had only been planning on being King of Camelot for a few days. She meant to hand the kingdom over to Prince Pretty Boy, honest.
Then a boy with big ears who, for some reason, was was wearing his bandanna around his neck came to her, wringing his hands. “Hello, I'm Merlin.”
“You're Merlin? But Merlin's meant to look like a cross between Dumbledore and Santa Claus. This is a bonkers planet!”
“Er, okay. It's about Arthur. He'll make a great king, he really will. Just, maybe, not yet. It's destiny, you see. And I thought if I took him on a couple of quests, slaying dragons--”
“--Rescuing kittens from trees, that kind of thing?”
“That kind of thing, yes.”
“Frolicking about with your shirts off?”
“Er, if that's what it takes.”
“Hmm. Well, I always liked Brokeback Mountain. Off you go with your fancy man, then.”
Prince Arthur burst into the throne room intending to have it out with this usurper of the throne. Merlin took his arm and led him gently away.
“But! But that woman has stolen my crown!”
“She's just keeping it warm for you, Arthur. Now, come on. We've got some questing to do.”
“Dragons and the like?”
“And the like, yes.”
Merlin waved back at Donna as he led Arthur out the door.
*
“You were King Uther's ward?” The girl would have been disgustingly beautiful if not for the big black circles under her eyes. Insomnia was good like that. “What's your name again?”
“Lady Morgana.”
“Morgana, eh. You're not about to go evil from lack of sleep, are you?”
“Not until at least next Tuesday, no.”
*
“This injury could only have been caused by sorcery,” Gaius, the court physician, informed her.
“No, that other bloke stabbed him with a big sword. I saw it with my own eyes.”
Sometimes Donna doubted Gaius's qualifications as a doctor.
*
Along with scads of gold, Castle Camelot apparently came equipped with its own dragon.
“Ah, you are the new king.”
“And you're a dragon! How did you get down here?”
“King Uther hated magical creatures. He imprisoned me.”
“Seriously, though. I had to walk through mile and miles of tiny, winding tunnels just to get down here. And you're a giant, fire-breathing lizard. How did they get you in here?”
“I could tell you your future, King Donna.”
“Oh, please, I get enough of that from the Doctor.”
*
“You're Guinevere. As in the Guinevere.”
“Er, probably,” said Gwen.
Of course Donna knew Gwen, everyone knew Gwen. She was forever bustling about quietly running the place and fussing about the increasingly sleep deprived Morgana. Donna just didn't know that she'd cheated her out of future queen-hood.
“Well, obviously I'm not going to marry you.”
“Good, I think,” said Gwen.
“And I bet being queen's really overrated. You'd of had to marry Arthur, and he's gay. And, actually, really short.” Donna suddenly had a brilliant idea. “Tell you what, I'll make you a royal advisor and get you some sleeping pills from the TARDIS to give to Morgana.”
*
Donna eventually remembered to let the Doctor out of the dungeon. He was led to the throne room where Donna was sitting on an elaborate throne, flanked on either side by Gwen and Morgana.
“So,” he said, hands stuffed into his pockets, “you're king now?”
“I'm thinking of changing it to prime minister, though,” said Donna. “Introducing democracy and all that.”
“You're wearing a crown.”
“Yes, well, they insisted.”
“And... carrying a sceptre.”
“Good for hitting people with,” said Donna with a nod.
“So you don't want to come travelling with me again?”
At that, Donna laughed. “Sorry, Doctor. I've got a kingdom to run here.”
“Right,” said the Doctor, sloping miserably towards the door. “I'll just be off, then.”
“Oh, Doctor!”
“Yes?”
“Next time you're on Earth ask Martha if she fancies a new job. I really must see about getting a proper doctor for this place.”
It wasn't until several days later that Donna realised that she'd forgotten to mention to the Doctor that Uther was still in his bedroom.