Dick's Picks Volume One
Dear Losers Who Still Check This Site For Updates,
Looks like you hit the jackpot.
No, I am not finally posting that celebrity sex tape starring me and a certain washed up pop star--you have to come to the Neptune Grand Penthouse if you wanna see that--I have proof that your favorite Editor-in-Chief hangs out with elementary school chicks.
My roommate and my ex-sister-in-law are pen pals. Isn't that precious?
Click the cut if you want to laugh your ass off.
~ Dick
Ask Logan
by Logan Echolls
Dear Logan,
I don't know if you do this any more but I'm asking you a question anyway. If you liked a guy for like ever and then you thought it would never happen... and then now it's happening what do you do??? Are you two timing that blonde chick?!?!
-It's happening to me
Dear It's happening to me,
If you're sure he's not just setting you up or leading you on (the old guy-pretends-to-like-girl-back-so-that-he-can-humiliate-her is a classic story that pops up in several teen films I've recently been forced to watch by a 'love expert') then you have two choices and both end the same way. You can:
a) run far, far away as quickly as you can; or
b) attempt to have an honest and committed relationship with them. I say attempt because the collapse of this foolish exercise is inevitable and will have you running far, far away.
As for the blond chick, you're gonna have to be a lot more specific. There are too many for me to keep track of.
--Logan
Ask Logan Heather
by Heather Button
Hi It's happening to me!
Logan's advice was like, totally terrible but you should know that he's just been through a really bad break-up so he's not the biggest fan of love right now. I'm helping him out though.
Anyway, what you should do is this:
-Go out on totally romantic dates to the movies or dinner at a fancy restaurant and then walk along the beach under the moonlight.
-Hold hands all the time. Seriously. And make eye contact when they're talking so they know you're listening. Communication is soo important.
-Don't be scared! You like him, he likes you and that's all you need no matter what some people say.
And Logan is definitely not cheating on Veronica. Veronica, if you're reading this, Logan TOTALLY loves you and wants to get back together!
Good luck, It's happening to me!
Love, Heather
Dear Heather,
1) You can't cheat on somebody if you're broken up with them.
2) Shut up.
-- Logan
P.S. You can forget about coming over for Mario Kart this weekend.
Dear Logan,
1) It will still feel like cheating. Remember when we watched Gilmore Girls and TV Logan slept with ALL the bridesmaids when he and Rory were 'broken up' but she still felt betrayed and though she said that she had forgiven him, she really hadn't and was all cold towards him and they only got back together for real when he was in the hospital!
2) You can't make me :-P
Love, Heather
P.S. I AM coming over but because you were mean we're going to be watching The Notebook. Again.
Dear Heather,
1) Your analogy is tragically flawed. It only feels like cheating if the woman in question is not a ravenous alien vampire with a hive mind connecting her to countless more of her hideous, blond ilk. If the only reason you fled to the comfort of someone else's arms (etc.), is because she sucked the soul and life out of you, leaving you a broken, shriveled husk of a man fit only to be taken out behind the barn and shot like a sad, incontinent old dog -- then who cares if you huwt her feewings? The sensible course of action is to pick up your P90 and exterminate her for the good of the Pegasus Galaxy. And keep shooting, until you're certain she's really dead.
2) Okay, I'm sorry about that part. Forgive me? Or, do I have to wind up in the hospital, first?
Logan
P.S. We're watching a Stargate: Atlantis marathon. You'll thank me.
Dear Logan,
1) Are you comparing Veronica to an alien? Because girls really don't like that unless it's that Aeryn chick from that show with the muppets you made me watch last week. Or the blond robot girl from Battlestar the week before that.
2) I will forgive you only if the following conditions are met:
-I get to eat an entire tub of Triple Chocolate Fudge Ice cream all by myself!
-World peace.
Love, Heather
P.S. This is going to be another stupid show about aliens isn't it? Why can't we watch something fun with normal people in it? I think you would really like Grey's Anatomy if you just gave it a chance.
Dear Heather,
Look, I don't want to talk about this anymore. We're supposed to be helping some girl with some stupid problem -- actually, I, the Advice Guru, am supposed to be helping her with whatever desperate insanity drove her to me for advice.
I am not getting back together with Veronica, and that's final. Sometimes people just break up because one of them doesn't care, and the other one has to join the French Foreign Legion, or open a gin joint in Morocco. Of course, you can never really be safe. Eventually, she will track you down and crush you yet again.
Trust your wise Advice Guru, who knows these things, just like he knows he will be holding your hair later, while you miserably puke up that entire tub of Triple Chocolate Fudge ice cream.
Love, Logan
P.S. I'm working on the world peace. Let's compromise. Spongebob?
Dear Logan,
All I'm asking is that you give helpful advice to people. And when you don't, I see it as my duty as Assistant to the Advice Guru to help you out. But I'll try to stay out of your column - I'll save all my advice for you because you really need it!
And fine, I get that you and Veronica are not getting back together...this week. But I was using you computer to talk to your friend Gia, and she said that you and Veronica have a loooong history of breaking up for good and then making up.
The ice cream wouldn't make me sick. It's ICE CREAM.
Love, Heather
P.S. Yes!!!! ;-)
Dear Heather,
What I would really like is for you to stay off my computer. Okay, sure. You got bored while I was passed out last weekend. Totally understandable. I realized that as soon as I looked in the bathroom mirror and discovered your Sharpie art project. My classmates in Economics enjoyed the giant "I ♥ Heather!!!" tattoo on my bicep. Excellent work, especially the unicorns.
Anyway, my point is -- okay, now I forgot what my point was. Thanks a lot. Furthermore, I'm a little hazy on how I got saddled with this "Advice Guru" gig in the first place. I mean, seriously. Nobody wants helpful advice if they're asking Logan Echolls. They want validation for their stupidity. Luckily, I'm an expert on that. If you fancy a bright future in Assistant Stupidity, welcome aboard.
Gia is right about Veronica and me. Also, I miss Gia. Both these things prove my above point.
Hey, you know what? Sign me up for a tub of that Triple Chocolate Fudge.
Love, Logan
Dear Logan,
But your computer is so interesting! And oh my god, you should totally publish your short stories because they are brilliant! You could be the new J.K. Rowling and become a gazillionaire and buy a castle in Scotland and I could come and visit you!
(I bet Veronica would like to go to Scotland.)
Sorry about the tattoo but I just couldn't help myself. You're lucky we only started looking at Cubism yesterday.
And Logan, people don't just write to you for 'validation for their stupidity'. They write to you because you're funny and awesome ;-) Gia and I both think you suffer from low self-esteem but you totally shouldn't feel that way.
See you this weekend (you buy the ice cream!).
Love, Heather
Dear Logan
by Gia Goodman
Dear Logan,
Since you haven't responded to Heather's last letter in a while, I'm forced to assume you either killed yourself or you're sulking. If you did kill yourself, you're a much better planner than I thought. Or all those Neptune paparazzi are out to lunch. Because I haven't heard a thing about it.
Anyway, Heather is a very smart young lady, and you should listen to her. She's absolutely right about you being brilliant and awesome and funny. Although, I do agree with you about two things:
1) Some of those people who write to "Ask Logan" really need some common sense.
2)I don't think Veronica appreciates your brilliant, awesome funny-ness, if she keeps giving you the yo-yo treatment all the time. Go find a girl who appreciates you. How about a nice redhead for a change?
Come talk to us, Logan. Stop pouting, and playing that volleyball game with the naked women. You're going to give yourself a repetitive motion injury. From the game controller! Ew, I just heard a Logan-voice inside my head saying something totally disgusting -- stop that! Argh, sometimes it's like you're in the same room. Okay, not like that's a bad thing. Cuz I miss you!
A Billion Hugs and Kisses,
Gia
Dear Gia,
Thank you for your concern. However, it was unnecessary to pay Corny $50 to come and check up on me (especially since I had to pay him another $50 to leave). It was also unnecessary to send me a singing telegram once you had established that I was among the living (nice work on the song, though. I was impressed at the number of words you found to rhyme (sorta) with Logan).
Again, I thank you for caring about my mental health, but I'm sure that my mental health would improve vastly if you and Heather would just mind your own damn business and stop mentioning Veronica to me (and stop sending me pictures of Jensen Ackles). I'm fine. So are my hands.
Oh great. Corny's back. He says "What up, G-dog?"
If I ever find my way out of this circle of hell, I'll call you.
Logan
P.S. Mac said she wouldn't take this down as long as I thanked the hot chicks who helped me copy and paste Logan's emails into this post. So thanks, bennet_7 and dark_roast. You guys can be my assistants anytime. For anything. But next time wear shorter skirts!