Volume 2: Issue 3
You may have noticed that we are late posting the blog this week. I would apologize, but based on the amount of comments we received last time, I am not sure that many people are still reading this. Plus, if you saw me on Larry King Live, you know I have plenty of excuses. Also, everybody has abandoned me. At this point I am pretty sure Mac has been kidnapped by Cylons and Wallace was just a figment of my imagination. Dick is Dick, Parker has forsaken us, and Putz seems to think radio is the new internet...
Gia is the most diligent member of neptune_online and she doesn't even live in Neptune. Read her recaps of Bloodlust and Children Shouldn't Play With Dead Things if you need proof.
So what I am saying is, it's not my fault. If I had some help from people other than afrocurl, bennet_7, cindywrites, raelee, rowanlove, skk670, and spadada, I might have been able to post this before Halloween. If you want the next installment to come out before Thanksgiving, you should join the team. All you need is an irreverent sense of humor and some time on your hands. Though it wouldn't hurt if you had talent in the writing, editing, web design, graphic arts, or fluffing departments.
And finally, you guys don't know what you are talking about. Dr. Cox would wreck Dr. House in a fight. I am going to protest the results of this poll by forcing Veronica to TiVo House and watch something else at nine o'clock tonight. Join me and I might forgive you for being stupid.
Sometimes You Just Gotta Say,
"What the Frak."
by Veronica Mars with Logan Echolls
SPOILER WARNING:
Spoilers for already-aired episodes of Battlestar Galactica
Logan_Echolls: Veronica and I have been reviewing The Office from time to time, but that's not all I've gotten her into.
Veronica_Mars: True. I've also been drugged and shot at while enjoying the pleasure of your company, but let's don't get as personal as we did last week.
LE: Ha. No. Ha. Now, thanks to yours truly, Veronica has become an overnight Battlestar Galactica fan.
VM: Logan's a long time viewer, but I'd never even seen a promo, so we watched The Story So Far -- a clip episode summarizing the first two seasons -- a week or so before the season 3 premiere. As of Friday night, I've now watched all four hours of season 3 that have aired. And frak. Like the frakking time between frakking Fridays wasn't frakking long enough before I found this frakking show! I frakking LOVE it.
LE: Oh, dear. And, she's been at me all day to lend her my DVDs. So Veronica, I think I know the answer to this already, but what hooked you?
VM: Wow. You know, I've never thought of myself as a Sci-Fi fan, but so far I've found the stories on Battlestar Galactica so compelling that the sci-fi/space cowboy stuff is incidental for me.
LE: Even in this last episode? C'mon! Did you see the Galactica just fall fall fall fall, drop the vipers and then bam! Jump! How rad was that?!?
VM: Um? The raddest?
LE: After you went home, I was reading through the Battlestar Galactica forum at TWoP. I think a poster named "Hugin" put it best (some of this is going to hit the language filter, but I don't care) when s/he said:Adama jumped the entire ******* Battlestar into atmosphere.
What? What? Who does that?
I'm fairly certain that voids the hell out of the warranty. I'm fairly certain there's little red and yellow stickers on the underside of
Galactica that say:
"Warning, Do Not Plow Into Some Planet's Unsuspecting Stratosphere Like The World's Grimmest And Most Heavily Armored Fat Kid Jumping Into A Pool Full Of People He Hates Screaming Cannonball With A Grenade In His Teeth, Yeah, We're Talking To You Adama [link]
VM: You're right. That had me jumping out of my seat. You omitted what I think was the point of that post, though:
If I'm a Humlon, and I look out of the window of my compound and see this... psychotic act of badassery, in my heart I know we're just never going to subjugate or defeat these people.
That's where I can be an action fan, when it is not gratuitous. That scene with the Galactica shows me so much about Adama, and about those
humans, and how they've managed to survive. I also was thrilled by Apollo disobeying his father's orders and bringing the Pegasus to the
fight, knowing it could only end in sacrifice. All that power. All that technology. The Pegasus! It's the only hope of the remainder of
the Human race not on New Caprica if the mission fails and Galactica falls. And what does Apollo do? He disregards a direct order, and
plunges headlong into battle, because he can't not! You want him to. You're expecting him to. You even know he will, but when you pause to
ponder that he's gambling the species! It was so morally complex. That's what I love about the series -- its many shades of grey.
LE: Hey, I resemble that remark.
VM: Yes, because illicit poker games, skipping class and streaking on campus are just like sleeping with a skin job you hate and turning Benedict Arnold on your whole race, to liberate the man you love more than life itself, so that he can risk his life to save the very race you've just further endangered.
LE: Yes.
VM: Is it also like resigning yourself to killing the love of your life who has betrayed you (and your cause) in order to save you, before someone else does it more brutally, only to have her ask for the cup of poison and you know, and you know she knows and yet you wait 'til she's gone to tell her you love her?
LE: Exactly like that. Whereas violating the privacy of an intimate is all black and white and wrong all over.
VM: Moving right along. I kind of like that there are two prior seasons I've yet to see, just waiting for me to discover them. I wouldn't have thought it was this easy to jump into a serial drama in its third season, but I got into Battlestar Galactica so quickly, I'm now considering a whole bunch of shows. That new network, The CW, has a couple that look juicy. The stuff I haven't watched is just a bonus. I can go back in time, incorporate my knowledge from the current episodes into my interpretation of what's happened in the past. It's a bit like investigating a mystery.
LE: I knew it! I so had you pegged. You touch on something interesting there, too. (No. Save that for later.)
VM: (My father reads this, as he made patently clear after last week's entry.)
LE: Well then get your mind out of the gutter, young lady. Seriously, I've never understood why people would be reluctant to start watching a television series, just because it's been on for a couple of seasons. It's only TV. There's not that much good TV out there; what's good deserves our support.
VM: Thank you, ladies and gentlemen. That was Logan Echolls, well known patron of the arts. Now, aesthetician that you are, tell me what draws you to Battlestar Galactica.
LE: Well, of course I appreciate all you've mentioned above, and really the special effects last night were film quality work on not just a TV budget, but a non-HBO cable station budget. Still, and in my considered opinion as resident aesthetician, the best reason to watch Battlestar Galactica is Kara "Starbuck" Thrace. She's my TV girlfriend and I thank the gods for giving Ron D. Moore the cojones to refuse to make Starbuck a man. Smart, spunky, tough, blonde, butch-but-all-woman and recently particularly and prettily broken.
VM: Hey, I resemble that remark.
LE: Well, I am an aesthetician. Now, what do I get for getting you into two great TV shows? I mean, The Office and Battlestar Galactica. There ought to be a reward of some kind.
VM: Well, we share an interest. I'm calling that a win. But, you didn't get me into The Office, Logan; Wallace did.
LE: If memory serves, Wallace told you to watch The Office, then promptly left town. He's more adept at subterfuge and diversionary tactics than you'd think.
VM: You maybe, but not me. I taught him everything he knows.
LE: I realized that, but just a moment too late to get out of my term paper. Whatever. I'll let him take credit for The Office. Battlestar Galactica is all me, though.
VM: Yeah, except not really at all. It was Moe.
LE: Who the ho's Moe?
VM: Moe -- Wallace's R.A. Actually, Moe and Tim Goodman got me into BSG.
LE: 'BSG'. You're already calling it 'BSG'. At least you're prettier than the average geek. Now, Tim Goodman's no relation to our former 'Mayor' right, because there's an ick factor...
VM: I don't think so, although that might explain how Gia found SPN.
LE: 'SPN'? Do you mean ESPN?
VM: No. SPN is fandom-speak for Supernatural.
LE: Ah. Ackles.
VM: That's better expressed, "Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. Ackles." But anyhow, Tim Goodman is a TV Critic for the San Francisco Chronicle. I read his blog occasionally, and earlier this month, he told new viewers, "It's not too late to jump aboard 'Battlestar Galactica'."
LE: That Tim Goodman? *cough*hack*cough* I stopped reading his blog when he referred to Buffy the Vampire Slayer and some detective show as if they were of the same genre. Still, even a stopped clocked is right twice a day, so I'll cop to the fact that he wasn't wrong about BSG. Now how does this Joe Blow fit in?
VM: Moe. He introduced me to the profanity of the future.
LE: What the frak?
VM: Exactly.
LE: Uh, yeah. I was playing along.
VM: The frak you were.
LE: I've been watching since the beginning. Don't you think I noticed your frakking Tourette's before we started writing this discussion? But enough about you. What about me? I worked you over all summer, and you're telling me you only caved because a so-called 'critic' had something nice to say for a change, and some frelling greebol you just met taught you frak?
Veronica_Mars: Frelling greebol?
LE: Never mind. It's a whole other 'verse.
VM: Greebol. Greebol. I don't think so. Frelling has potential, but it's no frak. The sounds are too soft. For release, nothing beats a good guttural. Frakkity frak frak and the McFrakkers, I love frak.
LE: May the gods have mercy on us all.
Costume Up!
by Wallace Fennel
There’s a common misconception among the general populous that Spring Break is the holiday college students enjoy the most. I’m here to tell you that Halloween has actually surpassed it, by far. There have been Halloween parties here at Hearst every weekend since the end of September. And the best part about these parties? Everyone’s invited. Show up in costume on and you’re in!
Only problem is that there are too many parties. It’s not cool to show up in the same costume twice and I ran out of costume ideas two weekends ago. So I hit up some of the cast and crew -err, staff- of Neptune Online for some ideas. Because I’m a generous guy (and V hooked me up with another costume source), I’m sharing them with you. Just remember, if you win a costume contest, you owe me 30% of the prize.
I’ll start with some of my own suggestions, although not my best ideas because I can’t be giving away all of my secrets:
- 50 Cent: No, not the rapper although it’d be great if you get paid what he gets paid for making an appearance. The easy way to do this one? Tape two quarters to your chest. The more creative way? Use t-shirt transfer paper and make a t-shirt with two quarters on it.
- iPod Commercial: Dress in all black and cover any exposed skin with black make-up. Carry around an iPod (make sure you’re using the white headphones with this one!) and dance your way around the party.
- King Con: Get something that looks like a prison jumper (any plain jumper will do, if you write “Balboa County Jail” on the back along with a prisoner number) or a black/white stripped shirt with black pants. Cap it off with a crown. Now you’re the King Con.
Mac, who might be showing off her technological roots here, had the following suggestions:
- Web Designer: You can wear regular clothes or you can for a artsy/designer type of look but then get some of those fake spider webs at the store and stick bits and pieces to your clothes and hair. Carry the rest of the webs in a bag labeled ‘SILK’. Then whenever someone asks what you are, show them by ‘designing’ a web for them.
- Web Surfer: Good for the surfers out there, just wear board shorts, a t-shirt, and flip flops. Stick fake spider webs to the bottom of your surf board and carry it along. (If you’re worried about getting scratches on your precious board, just leave out the surf board bit and stick the spider webs all over yourself and say you’re a web surfer who wiped out!)
- MAC & PC: For anyone who’s got a partner for this Halloween, go as MAC and PC from the new Apple commercials. One dresses in fun/trendy clothes and the other dresses in a stuffy neutral-colored suit with a tie. You can even make name tags, one with the Apple logo and one with the Windows logo. Have fun with it. The person playing PC can “freeze” unexpectedly during conversations or randomly declare that he/she needs to reboot and leave to go get a drink. The person playing MAC can bring a beach ball as a prop and spin it on his/her finger if stuck in a conversation that needs force quitting.
Dick, not surprisingly, had some simple costume ideas:
- Chippendale Dancer: Dude. Easiest. Costume. Ever. Black bowtie around your neck, no shirt, and black pants. Wear your favorite speedo in case you find a chick who wants a dance. (Make sure she has some bills first. If she wants a dance, she’s got to pay. Unless she’s got a smoking bod, then you should exchange a dance for a dance, if you know what I mean.)
- Sexy Maid: Chicks can’t go wrong with this one. Hit up Frederick’s of Hollywood for one of those black and white maid costumes, wear fishnet stockings and high heels, and carry a feather duster. Just make sure you clean up the room before you leave.
Veronica, usually quite the master of disguise, also had some fairly simple suggestions:
- Candy Wrapper: Dress as you like. Carry a bag with wrapping supplies (a roll of wrapping paper, tape, and scissors) and assorted candies. When people ask what you are tell them you’re a candy wrapper and offer to wrap up some candy for them. You can also come with some pre-wrapped candy instead so you can just offer them some of your wrapped candy instead of having to actually wrap anything.
- Little Red Riding Hood: Another easy one, wear a red hood (or make one out of red felt) and carry a basket of snickerdoodles.
- Sugar Daddy: For the guy who wants something sweet and easy wear all black (any neutral color will do) and pin candy to yourself. Works even better if you use actual Sugar Daddies.
And, finally, our infamous [Editor’s note: I prefer to be known as ‘esteemed,’ thank you very much.] editor, Logan, proved you don’t need creativity to get dressed up:
- Man in a Mask: Do I seriously need to explain this one? You get a mask, you wear it. Additional clothing optional.
- Alternatively, guys, you can be God’s Gift to Women: Stick a red bow to your head and tie a gift tag around your neck that reads “TO: Women, FROM: God.” Clothing still optional.
- Naughty Schoolgirl: Since you have to be a man for my first suggestion, if you’re a woman, I suggest you get a short plaid mini skirt, black bra, white button up shirt unbuttoned and tied at the waist, knee-high socks, and black saddle shoes. Put your hair up in pigtails and we’re in business. When visiting a Man in a Mask in his hotel room, most of this clothing is also optional.
- Alternatively, girls, a Naughty Soccer Player is just as effective: Wear a soccer uniform (short shorts please!), knee socks, pleats, and hair still in pigtails. Uniform? Optional.
Hmmm, well some of the staff certainly have one track minds but they definitely came up with some unique ideas. And, now that I’ve shared them with you, you have no excuse for not attending the next Halloween party. Go forth and be scary little goblins. Happy Trick or Treating!
Ask Logan
by Logan Echolls
Dear Logan,
Please settle a bet between my friend and me. If you’ve been in class with a hot guy for a few weeks and you’ve never heard him mention his girlfriend, does that mean he’s single? My friend said it may just mean that he doesn’t feel the need to bring up his girlfriend in every conversation, but I say it means he’s either single or wants to be single…What do you think?
--Interested
Dear Interested,
As one who is considered to be a hot guy, I’d have to say that you’d lose that bet. Just because a guy doesn’t tout his ‘taken’ status like it’s a form of protection does not mean he wants to be single. For instance, I’m taken, but you don’t hear me shouting it from the rooftops unless I think there’s a guy that’s trying to horn in on my girl. Why don’t you ask the guy you’re interested in whether or not he’s single? If that doesn’t work for you, let me know and I can always consult my Ouija board instead.
[Editor’s note: I’d like to mention this again for those that maybe thick-skulled…Veronica Mars is TAKEN, as in, not single. She’s also admitted to being pathological, so anyone interested in me should probably cut their losses unless they want to find themselves on the wrong end of a piece of piano wire. To anyone interested in Veronica, I know where her taser is kept and I won’t hesitate to use it. Consider yourself warned.]
--Logan
***
Hey Logan,
This jerk friend of mine has been telling people that I’m a ‘one-minute man’ and it’s totally ruining my reputation with the ladies! I can’t punch the guy because he let me crash with him for a few days, but now the ladies start laughing when they see me. What should I do?
--The Ladies Man
Dear Dick,
Sorry about that, dude. My bad. If you want to get back your stud muffin reputation, why don’t you focus on what those ladies want instead? Junior shouldn’t be the only one having a good time…
--Logan
***
Dear Logan,
My girlfriend never wears dresses and can be considered somewhat tomboy-like as she can kick my ass at PGA Tour 2007. How do I tell her that I want her to be more of a girl sometimes?
--Girl Lover
Dear GL,
As long as your girl looks like a girl when she’s naked, I wouldn’t sweat the rest. If you’re more into the dress thing than the actual girl, I heard the Zeta Thetas are all about the floral dresses.
--Logan
P.S. If your girl can bench press more than your body weight, then I’d start to worry.
***
Dear Logan,
If you know your boyfriend doesn’t have class and he hasn’t called you to make plans, is it okay to call him? Should I just wait for him to call me instead?
--Trying
Dear Trying,
As one who has to deal with a girlfriend that is sometimes ‘trying’ as well, I give you this advice: It’s okay for you to call. Just don’t bug him.
--Logan
***
Dear Logan,
I am meeting my girlfriend's parents for the first time this weekend. I really want to make a good impression on them. Any advice?
--About to Meet the Parents
Dear AtMtP,
First of all, no calling your girlfriend 'bobcat' or 'tiger' or any other nickname that may imply that she's a wildcat in or out of bed. In fact, make sure you don't make any references to your sex life if you want that sex life to continue. You also need to make sure you keep your eyes above shoulder level at all times. I don't care if your girlfriend bends over or leans forward. Your girlfriend's father does not want you appreciating his daughter's assets unless you're talking about her fine mind and sparkling wit. Last but not least, even if your girl appreciates a bad boy, her parents don't, so keep any bad boy tendencies to yourself. Good luck!
-Logan
***
Dear Logan,
I want to go out and party with my friends, but I'm scared of what's been happening on campus lately. I don't want to be stuck hanging out in the library while my friends are having a good time. What should I do?
-Wants to Have Fun
Dear WtHF,
This is a valid concern and it's important to balance having fun with being safe. If you're going out, whether it's to a frat or to a bar, make sure you don't accept open containers from strangers and make sure you watch your drink being poured. If you put your drink down, consider it a goner because you don't want to pick it up unless you've had your eye on it the entire time. My girlfriend carries a taser, but even Mr. Sparky can't save you from being roofied and you can't protect yourself if you're passed out. It's also important to remember, if you go out with friends, make sure you leave with them. Never desert your wingman. I'd also like to say that hanging out at the library can be a lot more fun than you would think. I'd recommend the top floor if you and a favorite guy want to 'explore' the library some night.
--Logan
Have a question for me?
Send an email to editor@neptuneonline.org.
Life's a Beach
by Stosh "Piz" Piznarski
Writer’s Note: This is my first article and my first time writing. I’m doing this as a favor for a good friend. She said that all I had to do was find a topic I liked and write about it. I warned her I was a terrible typist and she set me up with this little recorder thingy. Man, is it ever tiny! I almost lost it a couple of times. Anyway, she said to just dictate the article and the webmistress would transcribe it for me. How cool is that? So, I hope you like it! And thanks, Mac!
They say ‘when in Rome, do as the Roman’s do’. I figured that also applied to the fair city of Neptune. So I decided to do what the Neptionians do. A quick investigation of campus life led me to - you guessed it - the beach. This is Southern California, after all, the land of blue skies, balmy temperatures and bikini babes. Which isn’t to say that my hometown of Beaverton doesn’t have all those things - it does. We don’t have an ocean, but we do have the Columbia River and Smith Lake in Portland, so that’s cool. It’s just not year-round enjoyment as it is here at Hearst College. And there is so much to enjoy on the beach.
But before I get into my topic, here’s a hint for those of you who are not in the know, just in case you’re short on time. You don’t really have to go to the beach to enjoy these things. Check out the south lawn by the sculptures to see what I mean. It’s a great location for a killer game of hackey sack and bird watching. To paraphrase my good friend, it’s not often that you get to see them in the natural habitat. Such gentle yet elusive creatures. Hmm…gentle? Yes. Elusive? Maybe, but then, maybe not. I’m currently investigating ways to get a little Tweety Bird of my own.
But I digress. Anyway, back to the beach. After spending a little bit of time soaking in the local color I noticed that most of the beach-goers gravitated to the surf. So I asked my friend, who is a local Neptune resident, about it. She’s a real sweetheart and told me all about the surf scene. She also told me that some guys really get into surfing. So I thought I’d give it a whirl.
I went down to the pro shop to ask some questions. Warning! If you’ve never been in a surf shop before, be prepared for sticker shock. The minimum price of a surf board is 500 smackers. The bigger the board, the more money it costs. To add insult to injury, the big boards are for the new surfers. Size does matter in surfing. The more you surf, the smaller your equipment gets. Kinda makes me wonder if that applies to all of a surfer’s equipment? Maybe I should mention that to my friend who hangs out with the surfer dude.
Sorry, back to the article. Anyway, as you get steadier on the board, you buy smaller and smaller boards - at $500.00 a pop. That’s your first big outlay. Wetsuits are the next big purchase, but we don’t really need those here so close to balmy San Diego. However, if you go even as short distance north as Los Angeles, the water can get cold enough that you’ll want to put out the $300.00 bucks to protect your assets. The second purchase for a new surfer in Neptune is lessons. Surf lessons normally run about $65.00 per hour. The pro told me I could rent a surf board while having lessons. This will run an additional $10.00 - $15.00 at each lesson, based on the size of the board. But it may be the way to go if your goal is to be a better surfer and go smaller. Man, isn’t California great or what? Where else can a guy brag about how small is equipment is and still get to be treated like he’s a hero?
Umm...lost focus there for a minute. So, where was I? Oh yeah, the article. So, I’ve decided to take some lessons. Surfing is a popular sport around here and a good way to strengthening your abs and your arms while working on your tan. That’s another great thing about living and studying in Southern California. You can do almost anything and still work on your tan. But a word of advice from my close friend: she says to stock up on the sunscreen. The water reflects the sun’s rays and makes them stronger. The idea is to look tanned and healthy, not sun-baked and dried out.
Wash the sunscreen off as soon as you get home and rub in lots of moisturizer to keep your skin smooth and supple. My friend is a blue-eyed blond with skin as soft and creamy as fresh-whipped butter, so she knows all about having touchable, kissable skin. And she’s smart, too. She advises using water-proof sunscreen specially designed for active use with an SPF of 45 or even greater. She says the fairer your coloring, the high the SPF you should use. And she knows all about being the fairest of them all. Did I mention how smart she was? ‘Cause she’s both.
So, take care of yourself and protect yourself. The sun is one of the greatest gifts we’ve got, along with our friends and the ones we want to love. Enjoy every day and live it to the fullest. Remember, you only get one shot at living, so make it your best - every day!
Another Author’s Note: I hope you all enjoyed my first article. If you liked it, I’ll do an article on my first surfing lesson. I’m going to try to get my friend to go with me, since she knows so much about surfing and all. She’s also toned and athletic so she’d be a dream to watch on the surf board. I saw her the other day in her field hockey uniform and - wait. I didn’t know she played field hockey. Should I report on that instead? I’d better send her an e-mail and check. And I can let her know that I’m taking good care of the recorder she gave me. She’s sweet like that. Anyway, I hope you liked this and I hope the editor knows how to edit. I was kinda nervous and got ahead of myself sometimes. I’m looking forward to hearing from you guys!
[Editor's note deleted by webmaster.]
A Very Special Buffy
by Cindy "Mac" Mackenzie
The Halloween episode is a favorite of mine going all the way back to Roseanne. Yeah it's cliche and every show does it, but come on, you love seeing your favorite characters in costume. And though most people would cite The Simpsons here, for me, there is nothing better than a late October episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer.
When you deal with ghouls and demons every week, the Halloween special needs to stand out. A few stand out more than others, of course, and I know what my favorite is. But I want to know yours.
Poll Halloween in Sunnydale
[Editor's note: As pointed out by a reader in the comments, the third selection in the poll above was not a Halloween special and the episode was in fact called "Band Candy." In light of this mistake and the entry I was not allowed to edit, dictation will no longer be an option for writers. If you can't type your own work--either because you are driving or inept--you will simply not be allowed to contribute. Also, the appropriate response to this poll has nothing to do with vampire slayers.]
Sound Off: Media Intrusion
Moderator: Logan Echolls
You have entered room: Sound Off
Logan_Echolls: Welcome to this week’s Sound Off. In honor of my foray back into the public eye, I thought we’d talk about the over intrusion of the media in modern society.
Veronica_Mars: While we could do without the paparazzi photographing the cellulite on Paris Hilton’s thighs or speculating on Jennifer Aniston’s love life, the extensive media coverage in today’s world can do some good.
Logan_Echolls: You mean like exposing Tom Cruise as a complete nut job?
Wallace_Fennel: I don’t think that’s what she means... Right, V?
Veronica_Mars: Right, Wallace. I mean while the intrusion of media is generally construed as negative, the media has also been able to give visibility to human rights violations across the globe and ethnic wars where children are being forced to join the army.
Logan_Echolls: How about we just stick with talking about the paparazzi? I have no qualms about hating those people and I can’t see their benefit.
Wallace_Fennel: That makes sense. While media in general has a purpose, I really don’t need the paparazzi showing me that Brad Pitt picks up his newspaper in the nude. Angelina Jolie? Yes. Brad Pitt? No.
Stosh_Piznarski: You told me you liked Brad Pitt.
Wallace_Fennel: You’re about to lose your roommate privileges, Piz. I said that Brad Pitt was good in Ocean’s Eleven; I didn’t say I wanted to see him naked!
Logan_Echolls: I wouldn’t be surprised. You seemed to admire the goods when I lost that bet.
Veronica_Mars: While I’m sure you’d prefer we discuss your assets for the Sound Off, how about we get back on topic?
Stosh_Piznarski: Thank God!
Logan_Echolls: I prefer admiring your assets anyway…and I mean Veronica, not you, Piz.
Veronica_Mars: I would hope that’s what you meant. Anyway, we all know the paparazzi are about sensationalism and broadcasting the intimate details of people’s lives for public consumption, but can anyone think of a reason why paparazzi should not be run out of town?
Dick_Casablancas: They’re entertaining. I don’t mind knowing who Jessica Alba is banging, plus how would I be able to know who’s currently the world’s most sexiest celebrity without them?
Logan_Echolls: You could always ask Trina.
Veronica_Mars: Considering last summer, Dick, I would think you’d have no love of the paparazzi either…
Stosh_Piznarski: What happened last summer?
Wallace_Fennel: Don’t worry, man. I’ll explain later.
Cindy_Mackenzie: I can’t think of one positive thing to say about paparazzi. They always seem to take a bad situation and make it worse and they never seem to get the story right.
Logan_Echolls: You can say that again.
Parker_Lee: The editor from the Hearst paper interviewed me, but I’ve never been hounded by paparazzi. I don’t think I’d be able to deal with it.
Veronica_Mars: I think my ‘favorite’ article was when the National Enquirer accused me of trying and failing to seduce Aaron Echolls, which was why I was testifying against him. My Dad loved that article.
Logan_Echolls: Gee and my favorite was the one that implied you were using your feminine wiles on Deputy D’amato and me to get us to frame my father for Lilly’s murder.
Wallace_Fennel: And here I thought Veronica just used her feminine wiles to get you to go to class.
Stosh_Piznarski: That would work for me, but I go to my classes, anyway. I wouldn’t mind though.
Logan_Echolls: Shut up, Piz. Those wiles are for me only.
Veronica_Mars: Well, I also use them on behalf of my clients…
Dick_Casablancas: That sounds dirty! I’m one of your clients, Ronnie. Wanna use your wiles on me?
Veronica_Mars: I said ‘on behalf of my clients’, not ‘on my clients’, Dick. You’re also not a client anymore. Your case was closed.
Cindy_Mackenzie: We’re getting off-topic again. I don’t think Veronica wants to continue to talk about her ‘wiles’. Parker, what do you think of the paparazzi and media intrusion in today’s society?
Parker_Lee: Well, I think the paparazzi are the reason there are so many celebrities today with eating disorders. Who wouldn’t feel intense pressure to be thinner when the media is focusing on everyone’s imperfections?
Stosh_Piznarski: You girls look great so don’t let some paparazzi guy make you think differently.
Cindy_Mackenzie: Thanks, Piz. That’s sweet.
Logan_Echolls: He’s practically candy-coated. Anyway, I think we’re all pretty much agreed that the paparazzi are about exploitation, invasion of privacy and yellow journalism.
Cindy_Mackenzie: What about people like Larry King or Nancy Grace? They’re not paparazzi but they seem to focus on sensationalist stories.
Dick_Casablancas: That Nancy Grace chick kept hounding me before I went to visit my Dad. I thought Ronnie was a ball-buster, but she’s got nothing on that woman.
Stosh_Piznarski: Nancy Grace seems a little intense and she does always seem to focus on the stories that are in the tabloids. Why was she hounding you?
Veronica_Mars: Don’t worry about it, Piz. Wallace seems to be filling you in on all the Neptune gossip and he said he’ll tell you later.
Wallace_Fennel: Hey! I’m not a gossip! I’m just telling the man what he needs to know so he’s not lost in this town. It’s not his fault that he’s not used to be people whose lives are tabloid fodder.
Cindy_Mackenzie: Well, I don’t know if Logan or Veronica can do it, but I plan on staying out of the tabloids this year. I like my anonymity.
Dick_Casablancas: I wouldn’t mind being in the tabloids if they were just focusing on me having an ass like Marky Mark. I don’t want to be accused of being the raper or anything.
Veronica_Mars: It’s rapist, Dick. You’re frakking hopeless and I don’t know why I’m surprised that you’re being that insensitive.
Logan_Echolls: Well, at least you’ve proved he’s just a pig, not a rapist.
Dick_Casablancas: Dude, sorry. I mean, sorry, Parker. I guess I wasn’t thinking. I know the media’s been focusing on the rapes and I don’t want anyone to think I did it because it would make it really hard for me to get a date, you know?
Cindy_Mackenzie: Way to focus on the important things. Your father named you well, Dick.
Logan_Echolls: I think we’re getting off topic again. Any final thoughts on the paparazzi or media intrusion in today’s society?
Veronica_Mars: Other than it’s good that they’re really scared of pit bulls? No.
Wallace_Fennel: Just that I’d be open to photographs of Halle Barry picking up her newspaper in the nude.
Logan_Echolls: Duly noted. I think most guys would be fine with that except for the guy actually dating Halle Barry. Anyone else have any closing comments?
Stosh_Piznarski: I’d like to say that it’s probably easier to avoid being photographed or stalked by the paparazzi if you’re not dating the son of movie stars.
Logan_Echolls: Shut up, Piz. Anyone else?
Wallace_Fennel: Yeah, I’d just like to say that if I’m ever in the tabloids, it better be because I’m being recognized as the next LeBron James or Michael Jordan.
Veronica_Mars: They can focus on how you struggled out of the surburbs to achieve fame and fortune!
Wallace_Fennel: That’s better than focusing on how I was taped to a flagpole for crossing a biker gang when I was in high school.
Stosh_Piznarski: Hey, you never told me that story, either! It’s sad if you have to read the gossip rags to find out what was going on in your friends lives before you met them.
Veronica_Mars: That one wasn’t covered by the paparazzi, but I can tell you about if Wallace doesn’t. Mac, any closing comments?
Cindy_Mackenzie: Paparazzi are evil and they must die or have their bank accounts hacked?
Logan_Echolls: I agree with that sentiment and on that chipper note, I’m declaring Sound Off officially over.