forgive, forget, forever 1/1
Title: forgive,forget,forever 1/1
Author: Neolithicdream
Pairing/Character: Calzona
Rating: PG-13
Summary: That's the thing about cheating, no matter how long it lasts, the aftermath will always last longer
Disclaimer: All television shows, movies, books, and other copyrighted material referred to in this work, and the characters, settings, and events thereof, are the properties of their respective owners. As this work is an interpretation of the original material and not for-profit, it constitutes fair use. Reference to real persons, places, or events are made in a fictional context, and are not intended to be libellous, defamatory, or in any way factual.
Beta: propgirl1
A/N: I've been writing fic since the possibility of this story line first cropped up. It's been cathartic. I'd promise this will be the last one but...I have a horrible tendency for breaking promises, sorry.
"Hey"
"Hey" Callie matched her wife's soft greeting, turning her head for their lips to graze for the softest of touches
"Uhm...aah..I need to tell you something, and you have to promise not to get mad."
"Hah, can't guarantee that sweetheart,remember Latin temper?" Callie chuckled
"No, you have to...or at least not to shout or say anything that ears might here." She gestured towards the couch where Sofia was stretched out, headphones bigger than herself adorning her head, legs tapping in time with some inaudible beat.
"Oh c'mon, Sofia isn't going to hear anything, look at her..."
"Please Calliope, you have to promise me!"
The plea was so fervrent, Callie's mood changed instantly, only then noticing her pallor "You look pale, Jesus, what's happened , you look like you have seen a ghost?" When the only response was a silent plea, Callie answerered, " Ok I promise, I won't get mad."
Arizona took a deep breath, chancing one last glance at their oblivious daughter, then blurted it out, "It's about Dr. Boswell, L-Lauren B-Boswell."
It felt like all the air had been sucked out of the room just as the temperature fell too.
"Is there more than one Dr. Boswell?" Callie's voice matched the room temperature, "The only thing I want to hear about that bitch is that she was found dead at the bottom of a deep ditch." She couldn't help it; what that woman had done, what she represented. Nonetheless, she took several deep calming breaths.
"She has developed this ...uhm.... a new type of..."
"Syphillis?"
"Callie, don't be..." Arizona's voice was low, subdued. That name had not been mentioned in...she'd happily go to her grave never hearing it again.
"Syphillis? whose got syphillis, isnt that like old fashioned AIDS or something?" Sofia popped her head over the couch, suddenly all ears.
"No-one!" Arizona said simultaneously with, a now slightly smirking Callie's contradictory reply "An old girlfriend of your Mama's, Sofia."
"Really? Then she must be what, a 100 years old?"
"Go get your brother and sister and tell them dinner will be on the table in 10 minutes, hands and faces washed!" Arizona was used to her daughters wit, if anything, she had learned it from her, rather than Callie, but right now she couldn't appreciate the humor. She needed to talk to her wife.
Their gangly thirteen year old mumbled and grumbled as she ambled slowly out of the room as only teenagers do.
Once out of earshot Callie began, no trace of a smirk left now, "How do you know what she has been ...or...have you been..." She regretted the half insinuation as soon as it left her lips.
"No! W-why would you even..." Arizona's face was paler than before, an ancient anguish etched on her face.
"You're the one bringing that whore's name up, not me." Callie cursed her own stupid temper.
"I thought we established a long time ago that I was the whore... that night?" Arizona wore a rueful smile, even as her voice broke on the words.
The pain in her voice robbed Callie of her anger, it was an ancient anger after all from a time long ago, a seam of hurt long mined out, a remembered emotion not a present one. "Hey, honey..." She tried to imbue all the present emotions,the real ones, into voice as she spoke, even as she tried to joke Arizona's pain away "...a whore with severe untreated PTSD."
Arizona smiled for a nano second, grateful for Callie's effort but, just thinking about that time, that night, suddenly the shame seemed as real as ever.
"If I could turn back the clock, I would do anything to make it not have happened..."
"I know..." And she did. There was nothing she was more sure of, had become sure of in the months that followed one of the worst nights of her life, than her wife's remorse, her guilt. Those months, so long ago, had been the most confusing of her life. Hatred mixed with love; the cause of her pain also the only soothing balm.
Easy decisions to walk ultimately spurned in favour of the excruciating decision to stay.
To fight.
And God, did they fight. With words; on one shameful occasion, with a slap of an open palm. And they talked, and screamed, and begged. Talked till they were spent.
Talked together, with Arizona's trauma psychiatrist. Talked alone with counsellors. Talked about trust, about promises. Some broken, some kept. Talked on nights when they both left believing there was no more to be said, nothing left to save.
Then they talked some more until there truly was nothing left. Until everything had been stripped bare.
Until the only thing left, turned out to be love.
"I mean it, if I was given the chance to change just one thing that's happened to me or...that would be it... Not my leg or God forgive me, not even my brother or my Dad....it would be..."
"Hey, I know....it was a long time ago...and we said all our sorrys a long time ago and..." Well, no maybe the one thing she was more sure of than Arizona's remorse was Arizona's unwavering love for her and their family.
"You forgiving me was the best gift I ever got...well after Sofia and Michael and Danielle"
"Well you had a lot to do with those 3 too..." Callie smiled, just thinking of their brood, generally had that effect; she smiled again as she saw Arizona's own smile appear. Their three kids were boisterous, time consuming, energy sapping but God they were incredible. "Forgiving you was the best thing I ever did, Arizona, the best decision I ever made."
"Forgetting has never been as easy though?" She knew Callie would react badly to hearing that woman's name after so long, but the intensity of her anger had shaken her all the same.
"Honestly I think you have more trouble with that part than me, with the forgiveness too?"
When her anger had subsided, when the hurt had dulled, she'd had to contend with a wife who remained devastated by her own actions. It was, in some ways, a delayed devastation. In the beginning she defended it as almost an involuntary act, an irresistable compulsion, a meaningless interlude. But long after Callie had forgiven, helped by an understanding of the finally diagnosed and treated PTSD, helped by long conversations with the partners and families of other sufferers, Arizona did not forgive herself. Arizona's request for a second baby, and her offer to carry their child was in part motivated by guilt. It was why Callie had resisted, only finally agreeing once she knew that while guilt remained it was something her wife really wanted for herself too.
Arizona shook her head, even though it had been true, she had hated what she did, hated herself for doing it, long after Callie had forgiven. Maybe she always would have if Callie had not ultimately laid it on the table.
"If you want this, a life with me, if we're to work...you have to let it go...you have to forgive yourself if we are to have a future,if we are to have a new baby...please?"
So she had. And time passed. And love healed the scars so well. And DOMA was rejected by the US Supreme Court as unconstitutional so they got married again, a marriage now recognised Federally and in all but 3 states, and it looked like Alaska was about to cut that to two.
"I love my life." God she did.
"I know."
"It's damn near perfect, ya know?" Because it was.
"Apart from the fact that this years interns are even more stupid than the last?" Callie smiled, her anger gone, still a bit surprised that hearing that name had any effect at all.
Arizona laughed, Callie always thought the current years interns were worse than any that had gone before.
"So, Boswell?" Callie's voice was calmness personified now. That woman held no power over them, none.
Arizona swallowed , "She developed this procedure..."
"I know, I saw it in Octobers JAMA, she's still a Rockstar surgeon." There had been a big profile on the woman, Callie could not help but read it. The woman was damned impressive, that hadn't helped way back then but objectivity came with time.
"I guess..."
"Two Harper Averys, a commendation from UNICEF for her work in... Liberia? " She paused, choosing her words carefully, "...that could have been you, all of that...."
"Callie, I never wanted to be with...."
"No, not with her, you could have been the award winning hotshot world renowned Doctor..." She could have, Callie knew that. Arizona had changed her dreams, given up on plans, for her, for them.
"C-calliope..."
"You were every bit as talented, and....do you wish it were different sometimes...If you hadn't been so tied down with me and the kids and..." It wasn't insecurity that founded the question, curiosity maybe.
"Yes."
"Oh..." maybe it was true, be careful what you ask for, she'd expected Arizona to fudge her answer.
"I wish we hadn't been so busy sometimes, we haven't had enough days in Spain or Fiji, cause God I love them but lumping around 3 cranky kids in Disneyland ...well, you in a bikini, me drinking sangria, that's better than Michael projectile vomiting into Dani's hair on the rollercoaster..." She could not help but grimace at the memory, and the disgust of the other patrons.
"Arizona..." A fudge after all.
"No, no other regrets, none. Well apart from ...her..." Lauren Boswell would always be a regret. "And... and Elizabeth..."
"She'd be four next week..." Callie said softly.
They remained silent, thinking about the baby they so desperately wanted to complete their family. Maybe they'd been greedy, 3 perfect kids, wanting another. A second mini Arizona after Danielle. A little girl, her imperfections had not made them want her less, as devastating as the scans had been. Arizona blamed herself and her 'too old' eggs and 'too old' body, Callie had been the one to broach the subject of termination because no one would have condemned them for it. Relieved that Arizona had flatly stated No; had gone so far as to say that if Callie didn't want this baby then she'd raise it by herself. The entire conversation lasting a minute. But Mother Nature had other plans and in the end she had miscarried at 21 weeks.
They had held her,until it was time to say goodbye.
"So why are we talking about Boswell?"
Arizona sighed loudly "I have a preemie, Alex thinks that...she would be a good fit for her procedure. She agreed to come."
"You invited her here?"
"NO, Alex did... He's the head of Peds after all." Arizona had taken time off after Elizabeth and discovered she didn't miss the responsibility of being Head of Peds on top of her Board duties. When she returned to work, she did so as Deputy Head, freeing up time for surgeries and Mom duties and some cutting edge Genome research. It worked well, maybe it could only have worked with Alex Karev as her boss, but it worked.
"Does he not know..." At the time, the scandal had spread like wildfire, and of course people had taken sides. Something the devastated pair had been mainly oblivious to, but now, with the passage of time and so many personnel changes, few knew, few would have believed it either. After the Shepherds had moved away they were the power couple in the Hospital.
"He just shrugged and said 'Dude, it was a thousand years ago' and..."
"So she's coming?"
"Next week."
"Okay." Because it was, even if a tiny part of Callie wanted to carry out a live dismembering and then dump her in Puget Sound.
"I have a few days off, I was thinking maybe I could take the kids and go see my Mom."
"Why?" Callie was surprised, even though Barbara Robbins would be delighted for the company, "Do you think you might still...want her?" The thought hurt.
"NO!
"Then why are you avoiding her?" Her wife was not a coward.
"I thought maybe you would prefer..." Honestly Arizona just didn't want to be reminded of her greatest mistake, "I mean technically Baby Allie is my patient but Alex might take her on if I ask nicely?"
"Do you still have feelings for her?" She knew the answer to that.
"No, I never..."
"So,why are you worried about..."
"I'd have to pretty much be in surgery for 10 hours with her, and with the planning and the pre-op and post-op stuff, it's a lot of time."
"You're not going to sleep with her again?" She knew the answer to that too but she needed to ask all the same. Or maybe it was less of a question more of a statement. Or an order.
"Callie..." Her tone matched the horrified look on her face. Before she could splutter a reply... "Hey Moms, what's for dinner?" Six year old Dani bounded in, blonde curls framing a face that managed at times both to be cherubic and devilish.
"Have you guys had a fight?" Michael asked as he slurped his milk.
"No." They had been quieter than normal and their eight year old was very perceptive.
Michael continued, a worried look on his sallow face "...Cause you are awfully quiet....And you are never quiet a-and when I used to visit at Joey's house, his Mom and Dad were always like this and... they Got Divorced."
Michael was their sensitive kid, he wore his emotions on his face just like his Mami; Sofia the one who blurted out stuff. Dani...well she was just Dani.
"No - ones getting divorced, eat your meatballs."
"OMG Mama, do you have syphyllis?" Arizona spluttered her water halfway across the table.
"No one has Syphillis!" Callie half snorted, half reprimanded.
"Mamas old girlfriend has, you said she had, Mami" Sofia defended herself.
Arizona glared at Callie, the intended effect somewhat lessened by the fact that water was still dripping down her chin.
"What's Slificisis?" Dani asked, blue eyes darting around the table.
"It's what Mamas girlfriend has, it makes your girl parts fall off." Sofia stated authoritatively. She had discovered recently that if you said something like you were sure, people believed you better.
Arizona was torn between an explanation of the clinical symptoms and an expulsion from the dinner table, expulsion seemed easier but the decision was taken out of her hands by her son.
"Don't be stoopid, Mama has no girlfriends except Mami...that's why they are married, right Mama?" Michael looked at Sofia like she was really stupid.
"She could have girlfriends when she was young before she met Mami, dog breath!" It was so lame sometimes having a silly baby brother who knew nothing.
"Sofia Robinn Sloan do not call your brother names!" Arizona was a strict mother and name calling was a no-no.
"Did you Mama?" Michael asked unperturbed.
"Huh?"
"Have a girlfriend?"
"I,I... " the innocent question was loaded by the earlier and yet unfinished conversation.
Callie helped her out "Your mama was so beautiful, she had loads of girlfriends before we met..."
"And you fell in love and lived happily ever after..." In their 6 yr old daughters world every story ended that way, "...like the two princesses in the TV show". It was a sign of how much progress had been made that Disneys latest show had,amongst the cast of princes and fantastical talking creatures, two fairy princesses madly in love.
"Some people have girlfriends when they are married....like Uncle Ramon in Miami" Sofia added, somewhat worldly, or as worldly as a 13 year old can be.
"That's cause he's a cheating bastard..."
"Michael Timothy Charles... We do not call people names in this house." Arizona nearly bellowed.
"What? But Mama that's what Abuelo and Abuela call him? And Auntie Aria too!" Michael said wounded. Aria's third marriage had proved even less successful than her first two.
"Mami never had a girlfriend except Mama, not even when she wasn't old..." Michael decided to get back into his Mama's good books.
"How do you know, maybe she did..." Sofia snarked.
"No Abuela said Mama was her first!"
Lucia Torres had finally come on board but clearly there remained gaps in her knowledge.
"Well Abuela is wrong I did..." Callie smiled, anxious to take the heat of her wife "...and boyfriends too...."
"Eeeeeeewwwww... Boys are smelly, Mami!" Dani's face was a picture of disgust.
"Huh, we'll see if you think that when you are sixteen! Little Miss." Arizona smiled at her mini - me. It was way too early to tell, of course, but in her gut, Arizona had resigned herself to answering a lot of boy - related questions in years to come.
"Uh uh, I'm gonna be a lebsi bean like you and Mami and fall in love with my bestest friend like you and Mami and...boys are smelly!"
"I'm not smelly..." Michael was insulted
"That's cause you are my brudder, you're not like a real boy!"
"Well I like girls, and I'm gonna have a girlfriend when I grow up... And a Ferrari and a really big TV of my own in my bedroom and I'm not gonna let anyone in unless they know the secret password..." It was his burning ambition.
Arizona leaned in and whispered into his ear "Pepperoni Pizza?"
His mouth fell open, wondering ,not for the first time in his eight years, just how his Mama knew everything.
After dinner the usual chaos reigned so it was a weary Arizona who climbed into bed after ten that night.
"Im sorry , I shouldn't have asked you that."
Arizona stayed silent.
"You know it's over 10 years ago..." Callie continued, "...and in that time you gave birth to the two most gorgeous babies for me." After Michael, Callie had wanted another baby so badly, wanted to return the favor and carry a baby from Arizonas egg. But, scar tissue from Sofia's traumatic birth had put paid to that notion almost before it had begun..
"For us," Arizona finally spoke' "...and I can't really take credit for Michael, cause he gets to look more and more like you ....he's going to be such a ladykiller, ya know."
She sighed loudly, "Are you really okay with me working with her?"
Callie sat up, pulling her wife towards her, "Honey until you mentioned her this evening, I haven't thought about her or it in years. Not even when I read that article, it was ...it is like it happened to other people, it kind of did too. You weren't really you back then and the us we are now, bears no comparison to the us we were back then."
"Stronger?
"A gazillion times."
Arizona beamed back at her and nodded.
"I trust you, honey...all you need to do is trust yourself."
Later that night, curled up together, as sleep threatened to sweep them away, Arizona whispered, "Promise me, you'll never tell them?"
"Huh?"
"The kids..what I did...about her..?"
"Arizona.. Why would I...."
"Please?"
"I promise."
*****
Arizona hadn't thought about it in years really, she had finally forgiven herself. But the knowledge that the woman she'd nearly lost everything over would be here in days had brought it all back. Forgetting was harder than forgiving after all.
She did trust Arizona, absolutely actually now. Her trust before was a sort of unconscious trust, an 'Arizona would never hurt me like that' type of trust. But after everything that happened 10 years ago, trust had to be rebuilt. Consciously this time.
Somehow that made it more absolute.
Still, knowing she had arrived in Seattle today, that her wife would be standing in surgery with her in a few days time, with the buzz of performing cutting edge surgery, would be working one to one with her all week? Well she would be glad when it was over.
Arizona was nervous. She knew she would never make that mistake again but what if her body or mind reacted to the woman nonetheless. Even if she did nothing, wouldn't that be like cheating all over again?
You, okay?"
"Yup." Monosyllabic Arizona meant nervous Arizona.
"If you need to talk just page me."
"Yup."
Still when the elevator doors opened and there she was standing in front of them unexpectedly it was still a shock. They had been holding hands as they usually did when alone. It was at the Admin floor and Callie had a meeting with HR so she just squeezed Arizona's hand before disembarking.
"Hey." said with a soft, almost shy smile.
"Hey." Arizona returned somewhat perfunctorily.
"So... that is Dr. Torres, right?"
When there was no reply she added "I'm surprised you two are still together."
"Well love will do that to you," Arizona replied tersely.
"I just assumed , after..."
"I am very happily married to my gorgeous wife and have three gorgeous babies."
"Arizona..."
Arizona turned to her, a fleeting sense of déjà vu, "Lauren, I'm really excited about this surgery....I think we can do something really good here. "
The elevator doors opened and they were at the NICU floor.
*****
She was an excellent surgeon, and charming and.... But Arizona would find herself looking at the woman from time to time over the coming days and find herself wondering...why? Why had she been so enthralled by her those years ago. Time had been kind to her but... Jesus she was no Callie Torres, there was no comparison, none.
It was never spoken of...in the day's that followed...it was all about the surgery, that was all. The very successful surgery as it turned out. Coffee in the cafeteria on her second last day was when she finally broke.
"So are we going to talk about it? " Lauren Boswell wanted to talk.
"It was the biggest mistake of my life....no offense...you are brilliant ...and beautiful and sexy... But my wife is all those things and more...I've talked about it to the people who matter, the person who matters... we talked about little else for months back then...and anything I could say to you would be superfluous."
"I have no regrets about it..." Boswell smiled.
Arizona shook her head, a little in pity, this woman would never get it, never understand the glory and the majesty of the mundaneness of marriage and children and a shared life. Seeing Callie out of the corner of her eye she smiled, beckoning her over, Callie shaking her head furiously. Boswell turning to see who it was, then wished she hadn't. That action meant Callie could not avoid an introduction. Even if it wasn't the one she fantasized about all those years ago involving her boot and the woman's face.
Still.
Tight smiles and no handshakes.
"You can have the rest of my coffee, I gotta go..."Arizona stood suddenly
"Wait what?" Callie looked at her in panic, Boswells face looked even more panicked.
"Hey I gotta go collect Dani... her teacher called something about... a punch in the playground?"
"What?" Callie alarmed for a different reason now.
"Oh no, it's okay, she was the one doing the punching..."Arizona practically skipped away.
She owed this to Callie. A confrontation if that's what she wanted, a conversation or just the knowledge that Lauren Boswell was not the bogeywoman or some goddess, just a woman, one who didn't hold a candle to her.
These last few days had been good,though. In a way it had laid to rest a very old ghost. The woman had no power over her, Arizona's mind and body did not betray her. She was just someone from a much regretted moment of madness. One moment, nothing to compare to a lifetime with her wife.
*****
"So this is awkward." Boswell stuttered
"It was a long time ago." Callie's voice was even
"You've clearly forgiven her so....bygones?" Asked with a charming smile.
"Ever been married?"
"Uhm, no."
"A really serious relationship?"
"Of course."
"One that when it ended you felt you couldn't breathe with the pain of losing them..?"
"Uhm...."
Callie shook her head. "Then, you will never get it. She was married, she was off limits and you knew that."
"Well so did she." Boswell wasn't taking all the blame.
"She had been through hell and back that year, you had to have known that, you..."
"She was awesome and gorgeous and...I took her, she let me..."
"She is awesome and is gorgeous and she's mine because she chooses me. Every day, me and our family. And I choose her too every single day."
"I'm sorry..." And suddenly she realized she was.
"Honestly, I don't care, you are...inconsequential to me, and to my wife."
"She could have been one of the great surgeons..."
"She is."
They sat in awkward silence then,"You two are quite a pair."
Callie smiled , "We are."
"I googled her, when I was coming back. I mean I have done a few times...over the years...you keep your private live's very private."
"We do."
"I thought if she was free, maybe we'd have some fun..."
"She wasn't free last time."
She chose to ignore the remark, the truth of it, as well as the gnawing other truth - that it wouldn't have mattered,free or not, if Arizona had wanted to, she would have.
"I dont think she gave me a second glance...if that matters."
"Thank you."
"I'm a little jealous actually..."
"I'm a lucky woman."
"Of her actually."
Callie raised her eyebrows but stayed silent.
"Of everything she has, this hospital, you, the kids she wouldn't shut up about, sometimes I think my career robbed me of...the chance to have something like that..."
Callie stood up, this woman had nothing to offer her or her family, had nothing she could take from them either. Another ghost laid to rest.
"I wish you all the best Dr. Boswell, you're leaving tomorrow? "
"One last consult with our patient and then , yup I'll be gone." She smiled then quietly added, "I'm sorry, for...."
"It was forever ago." Callie turned and walked away.
*****
The following night, wrapped in each others arms, Arizona was just on the edge of sleep. They'd barely had time to say 'Hello' the last few days.
"You ok?"
"Yup."
"It's been a long week, huh?"
"Yeah."
"But a good one...."
"Yeah, Callie go to sleep." Arizona was beyond exhausted.
"Surgery went well,right?"
"It did."
"Boswell got away okay?"
"I guess."
"She's okay actually" Callie stated.
"Mmmmm...I guess..." Arizona just needed sleep.
Callie smiled, so obvious was it that Arizona had no opinion on the woman, good, bad or indifferent.
"So Dani... Throws a mean punch, huh?"
She could feel Arizona smile.
"Wonder who she leaned that from?"
All she got in reply was a soft chuckle.
They were both asleep within minutes. Just because it was Saturday didn't mean a lie in, soccer practice, and swimming lessons and...then family brunch because that's what they did on Saturdays.
It's what they'd done for forever.
Author: Neolithicdream
Pairing/Character: Calzona
Rating: PG-13
Summary: That's the thing about cheating, no matter how long it lasts, the aftermath will always last longer
Disclaimer: All television shows, movies, books, and other copyrighted material referred to in this work, and the characters, settings, and events thereof, are the properties of their respective owners. As this work is an interpretation of the original material and not for-profit, it constitutes fair use. Reference to real persons, places, or events are made in a fictional context, and are not intended to be libellous, defamatory, or in any way factual.
Beta: propgirl1
A/N: I've been writing fic since the possibility of this story line first cropped up. It's been cathartic. I'd promise this will be the last one but...I have a horrible tendency for breaking promises, sorry.
"Hey"
"Hey" Callie matched her wife's soft greeting, turning her head for their lips to graze for the softest of touches
"Uhm...aah..I need to tell you something, and you have to promise not to get mad."
"Hah, can't guarantee that sweetheart,remember Latin temper?" Callie chuckled
"No, you have to...or at least not to shout or say anything that ears might here." She gestured towards the couch where Sofia was stretched out, headphones bigger than herself adorning her head, legs tapping in time with some inaudible beat.
"Oh c'mon, Sofia isn't going to hear anything, look at her..."
"Please Calliope, you have to promise me!"
The plea was so fervrent, Callie's mood changed instantly, only then noticing her pallor "You look pale, Jesus, what's happened , you look like you have seen a ghost?" When the only response was a silent plea, Callie answerered, " Ok I promise, I won't get mad."
Arizona took a deep breath, chancing one last glance at their oblivious daughter, then blurted it out, "It's about Dr. Boswell, L-Lauren B-Boswell."
It felt like all the air had been sucked out of the room just as the temperature fell too.
"Is there more than one Dr. Boswell?" Callie's voice matched the room temperature, "The only thing I want to hear about that bitch is that she was found dead at the bottom of a deep ditch." She couldn't help it; what that woman had done, what she represented. Nonetheless, she took several deep calming breaths.
"She has developed this ...uhm.... a new type of..."
"Syphillis?"
"Callie, don't be..." Arizona's voice was low, subdued. That name had not been mentioned in...she'd happily go to her grave never hearing it again.
"Syphillis? whose got syphillis, isnt that like old fashioned AIDS or something?" Sofia popped her head over the couch, suddenly all ears.
"No-one!" Arizona said simultaneously with, a now slightly smirking Callie's contradictory reply "An old girlfriend of your Mama's, Sofia."
"Really? Then she must be what, a 100 years old?"
"Go get your brother and sister and tell them dinner will be on the table in 10 minutes, hands and faces washed!" Arizona was used to her daughters wit, if anything, she had learned it from her, rather than Callie, but right now she couldn't appreciate the humor. She needed to talk to her wife.
Their gangly thirteen year old mumbled and grumbled as she ambled slowly out of the room as only teenagers do.
Once out of earshot Callie began, no trace of a smirk left now, "How do you know what she has been ...or...have you been..." She regretted the half insinuation as soon as it left her lips.
"No! W-why would you even..." Arizona's face was paler than before, an ancient anguish etched on her face.
"You're the one bringing that whore's name up, not me." Callie cursed her own stupid temper.
"I thought we established a long time ago that I was the whore... that night?" Arizona wore a rueful smile, even as her voice broke on the words.
The pain in her voice robbed Callie of her anger, it was an ancient anger after all from a time long ago, a seam of hurt long mined out, a remembered emotion not a present one. "Hey, honey..." She tried to imbue all the present emotions,the real ones, into voice as she spoke, even as she tried to joke Arizona's pain away "...a whore with severe untreated PTSD."
Arizona smiled for a nano second, grateful for Callie's effort but, just thinking about that time, that night, suddenly the shame seemed as real as ever.
"If I could turn back the clock, I would do anything to make it not have happened..."
"I know..." And she did. There was nothing she was more sure of, had become sure of in the months that followed one of the worst nights of her life, than her wife's remorse, her guilt. Those months, so long ago, had been the most confusing of her life. Hatred mixed with love; the cause of her pain also the only soothing balm.
Easy decisions to walk ultimately spurned in favour of the excruciating decision to stay.
To fight.
And God, did they fight. With words; on one shameful occasion, with a slap of an open palm. And they talked, and screamed, and begged. Talked till they were spent.
Talked together, with Arizona's trauma psychiatrist. Talked alone with counsellors. Talked about trust, about promises. Some broken, some kept. Talked on nights when they both left believing there was no more to be said, nothing left to save.
Then they talked some more until there truly was nothing left. Until everything had been stripped bare.
Until the only thing left, turned out to be love.
"I mean it, if I was given the chance to change just one thing that's happened to me or...that would be it... Not my leg or God forgive me, not even my brother or my Dad....it would be..."
"Hey, I know....it was a long time ago...and we said all our sorrys a long time ago and..." Well, no maybe the one thing she was more sure of than Arizona's remorse was Arizona's unwavering love for her and their family.
"You forgiving me was the best gift I ever got...well after Sofia and Michael and Danielle"
"Well you had a lot to do with those 3 too..." Callie smiled, just thinking of their brood, generally had that effect; she smiled again as she saw Arizona's own smile appear. Their three kids were boisterous, time consuming, energy sapping but God they were incredible. "Forgiving you was the best thing I ever did, Arizona, the best decision I ever made."
"Forgetting has never been as easy though?" She knew Callie would react badly to hearing that woman's name after so long, but the intensity of her anger had shaken her all the same.
"Honestly I think you have more trouble with that part than me, with the forgiveness too?"
When her anger had subsided, when the hurt had dulled, she'd had to contend with a wife who remained devastated by her own actions. It was, in some ways, a delayed devastation. In the beginning she defended it as almost an involuntary act, an irresistable compulsion, a meaningless interlude. But long after Callie had forgiven, helped by an understanding of the finally diagnosed and treated PTSD, helped by long conversations with the partners and families of other sufferers, Arizona did not forgive herself. Arizona's request for a second baby, and her offer to carry their child was in part motivated by guilt. It was why Callie had resisted, only finally agreeing once she knew that while guilt remained it was something her wife really wanted for herself too.
Arizona shook her head, even though it had been true, she had hated what she did, hated herself for doing it, long after Callie had forgiven. Maybe she always would have if Callie had not ultimately laid it on the table.
"If you want this, a life with me, if we're to work...you have to let it go...you have to forgive yourself if we are to have a future,if we are to have a new baby...please?"
So she had. And time passed. And love healed the scars so well. And DOMA was rejected by the US Supreme Court as unconstitutional so they got married again, a marriage now recognised Federally and in all but 3 states, and it looked like Alaska was about to cut that to two.
"I love my life." God she did.
"I know."
"It's damn near perfect, ya know?" Because it was.
"Apart from the fact that this years interns are even more stupid than the last?" Callie smiled, her anger gone, still a bit surprised that hearing that name had any effect at all.
Arizona laughed, Callie always thought the current years interns were worse than any that had gone before.
"So, Boswell?" Callie's voice was calmness personified now. That woman held no power over them, none.
Arizona swallowed , "She developed this procedure..."
"I know, I saw it in Octobers JAMA, she's still a Rockstar surgeon." There had been a big profile on the woman, Callie could not help but read it. The woman was damned impressive, that hadn't helped way back then but objectivity came with time.
"I guess..."
"Two Harper Averys, a commendation from UNICEF for her work in... Liberia? " She paused, choosing her words carefully, "...that could have been you, all of that...."
"Callie, I never wanted to be with...."
"No, not with her, you could have been the award winning hotshot world renowned Doctor..." She could have, Callie knew that. Arizona had changed her dreams, given up on plans, for her, for them.
"C-calliope..."
"You were every bit as talented, and....do you wish it were different sometimes...If you hadn't been so tied down with me and the kids and..." It wasn't insecurity that founded the question, curiosity maybe.
"Yes."
"Oh..." maybe it was true, be careful what you ask for, she'd expected Arizona to fudge her answer.
"I wish we hadn't been so busy sometimes, we haven't had enough days in Spain or Fiji, cause God I love them but lumping around 3 cranky kids in Disneyland ...well, you in a bikini, me drinking sangria, that's better than Michael projectile vomiting into Dani's hair on the rollercoaster..." She could not help but grimace at the memory, and the disgust of the other patrons.
"Arizona..." A fudge after all.
"No, no other regrets, none. Well apart from ...her..." Lauren Boswell would always be a regret. "And... and Elizabeth..."
"She'd be four next week..." Callie said softly.
They remained silent, thinking about the baby they so desperately wanted to complete their family. Maybe they'd been greedy, 3 perfect kids, wanting another. A second mini Arizona after Danielle. A little girl, her imperfections had not made them want her less, as devastating as the scans had been. Arizona blamed herself and her 'too old' eggs and 'too old' body, Callie had been the one to broach the subject of termination because no one would have condemned them for it. Relieved that Arizona had flatly stated No; had gone so far as to say that if Callie didn't want this baby then she'd raise it by herself. The entire conversation lasting a minute. But Mother Nature had other plans and in the end she had miscarried at 21 weeks.
They had held her,until it was time to say goodbye.
"So why are we talking about Boswell?"
Arizona sighed loudly "I have a preemie, Alex thinks that...she would be a good fit for her procedure. She agreed to come."
"You invited her here?"
"NO, Alex did... He's the head of Peds after all." Arizona had taken time off after Elizabeth and discovered she didn't miss the responsibility of being Head of Peds on top of her Board duties. When she returned to work, she did so as Deputy Head, freeing up time for surgeries and Mom duties and some cutting edge Genome research. It worked well, maybe it could only have worked with Alex Karev as her boss, but it worked.
"Does he not know..." At the time, the scandal had spread like wildfire, and of course people had taken sides. Something the devastated pair had been mainly oblivious to, but now, with the passage of time and so many personnel changes, few knew, few would have believed it either. After the Shepherds had moved away they were the power couple in the Hospital.
"He just shrugged and said 'Dude, it was a thousand years ago' and..."
"So she's coming?"
"Next week."
"Okay." Because it was, even if a tiny part of Callie wanted to carry out a live dismembering and then dump her in Puget Sound.
"I have a few days off, I was thinking maybe I could take the kids and go see my Mom."
"Why?" Callie was surprised, even though Barbara Robbins would be delighted for the company, "Do you think you might still...want her?" The thought hurt.
"NO!
"Then why are you avoiding her?" Her wife was not a coward.
"I thought maybe you would prefer..." Honestly Arizona just didn't want to be reminded of her greatest mistake, "I mean technically Baby Allie is my patient but Alex might take her on if I ask nicely?"
"Do you still have feelings for her?" She knew the answer to that.
"No, I never..."
"So,why are you worried about..."
"I'd have to pretty much be in surgery for 10 hours with her, and with the planning and the pre-op and post-op stuff, it's a lot of time."
"You're not going to sleep with her again?" She knew the answer to that too but she needed to ask all the same. Or maybe it was less of a question more of a statement. Or an order.
"Callie..." Her tone matched the horrified look on her face. Before she could splutter a reply... "Hey Moms, what's for dinner?" Six year old Dani bounded in, blonde curls framing a face that managed at times both to be cherubic and devilish.
"Have you guys had a fight?" Michael asked as he slurped his milk.
"No." They had been quieter than normal and their eight year old was very perceptive.
Michael continued, a worried look on his sallow face "...Cause you are awfully quiet....And you are never quiet a-and when I used to visit at Joey's house, his Mom and Dad were always like this and... they Got Divorced."
Michael was their sensitive kid, he wore his emotions on his face just like his Mami; Sofia the one who blurted out stuff. Dani...well she was just Dani.
"No - ones getting divorced, eat your meatballs."
"OMG Mama, do you have syphyllis?" Arizona spluttered her water halfway across the table.
"No one has Syphillis!" Callie half snorted, half reprimanded.
"Mamas old girlfriend has, you said she had, Mami" Sofia defended herself.
Arizona glared at Callie, the intended effect somewhat lessened by the fact that water was still dripping down her chin.
"What's Slificisis?" Dani asked, blue eyes darting around the table.
"It's what Mamas girlfriend has, it makes your girl parts fall off." Sofia stated authoritatively. She had discovered recently that if you said something like you were sure, people believed you better.
Arizona was torn between an explanation of the clinical symptoms and an expulsion from the dinner table, expulsion seemed easier but the decision was taken out of her hands by her son.
"Don't be stoopid, Mama has no girlfriends except Mami...that's why they are married, right Mama?" Michael looked at Sofia like she was really stupid.
"She could have girlfriends when she was young before she met Mami, dog breath!" It was so lame sometimes having a silly baby brother who knew nothing.
"Sofia Robinn Sloan do not call your brother names!" Arizona was a strict mother and name calling was a no-no.
"Did you Mama?" Michael asked unperturbed.
"Huh?"
"Have a girlfriend?"
"I,I... " the innocent question was loaded by the earlier and yet unfinished conversation.
Callie helped her out "Your mama was so beautiful, she had loads of girlfriends before we met..."
"And you fell in love and lived happily ever after..." In their 6 yr old daughters world every story ended that way, "...like the two princesses in the TV show". It was a sign of how much progress had been made that Disneys latest show had,amongst the cast of princes and fantastical talking creatures, two fairy princesses madly in love.
"Some people have girlfriends when they are married....like Uncle Ramon in Miami" Sofia added, somewhat worldly, or as worldly as a 13 year old can be.
"That's cause he's a cheating bastard..."
"Michael Timothy Charles... We do not call people names in this house." Arizona nearly bellowed.
"What? But Mama that's what Abuelo and Abuela call him? And Auntie Aria too!" Michael said wounded. Aria's third marriage had proved even less successful than her first two.
"Mami never had a girlfriend except Mama, not even when she wasn't old..." Michael decided to get back into his Mama's good books.
"How do you know, maybe she did..." Sofia snarked.
"No Abuela said Mama was her first!"
Lucia Torres had finally come on board but clearly there remained gaps in her knowledge.
"Well Abuela is wrong I did..." Callie smiled, anxious to take the heat of her wife "...and boyfriends too...."
"Eeeeeeewwwww... Boys are smelly, Mami!" Dani's face was a picture of disgust.
"Huh, we'll see if you think that when you are sixteen! Little Miss." Arizona smiled at her mini - me. It was way too early to tell, of course, but in her gut, Arizona had resigned herself to answering a lot of boy - related questions in years to come.
"Uh uh, I'm gonna be a lebsi bean like you and Mami and fall in love with my bestest friend like you and Mami and...boys are smelly!"
"I'm not smelly..." Michael was insulted
"That's cause you are my brudder, you're not like a real boy!"
"Well I like girls, and I'm gonna have a girlfriend when I grow up... And a Ferrari and a really big TV of my own in my bedroom and I'm not gonna let anyone in unless they know the secret password..." It was his burning ambition.
Arizona leaned in and whispered into his ear "Pepperoni Pizza?"
His mouth fell open, wondering ,not for the first time in his eight years, just how his Mama knew everything.
After dinner the usual chaos reigned so it was a weary Arizona who climbed into bed after ten that night.
"Im sorry , I shouldn't have asked you that."
Arizona stayed silent.
"You know it's over 10 years ago..." Callie continued, "...and in that time you gave birth to the two most gorgeous babies for me." After Michael, Callie had wanted another baby so badly, wanted to return the favor and carry a baby from Arizonas egg. But, scar tissue from Sofia's traumatic birth had put paid to that notion almost before it had begun..
"For us," Arizona finally spoke' "...and I can't really take credit for Michael, cause he gets to look more and more like you ....he's going to be such a ladykiller, ya know."
She sighed loudly, "Are you really okay with me working with her?"
Callie sat up, pulling her wife towards her, "Honey until you mentioned her this evening, I haven't thought about her or it in years. Not even when I read that article, it was ...it is like it happened to other people, it kind of did too. You weren't really you back then and the us we are now, bears no comparison to the us we were back then."
"Stronger?
"A gazillion times."
Arizona beamed back at her and nodded.
"I trust you, honey...all you need to do is trust yourself."
Later that night, curled up together, as sleep threatened to sweep them away, Arizona whispered, "Promise me, you'll never tell them?"
"Huh?"
"The kids..what I did...about her..?"
"Arizona.. Why would I...."
"Please?"
"I promise."
*****
Arizona hadn't thought about it in years really, she had finally forgiven herself. But the knowledge that the woman she'd nearly lost everything over would be here in days had brought it all back. Forgetting was harder than forgiving after all.
She did trust Arizona, absolutely actually now. Her trust before was a sort of unconscious trust, an 'Arizona would never hurt me like that' type of trust. But after everything that happened 10 years ago, trust had to be rebuilt. Consciously this time.
Somehow that made it more absolute.
Still, knowing she had arrived in Seattle today, that her wife would be standing in surgery with her in a few days time, with the buzz of performing cutting edge surgery, would be working one to one with her all week? Well she would be glad when it was over.
Arizona was nervous. She knew she would never make that mistake again but what if her body or mind reacted to the woman nonetheless. Even if she did nothing, wouldn't that be like cheating all over again?
You, okay?"
"Yup." Monosyllabic Arizona meant nervous Arizona.
"If you need to talk just page me."
"Yup."
Still when the elevator doors opened and there she was standing in front of them unexpectedly it was still a shock. They had been holding hands as they usually did when alone. It was at the Admin floor and Callie had a meeting with HR so she just squeezed Arizona's hand before disembarking.
"Hey." said with a soft, almost shy smile.
"Hey." Arizona returned somewhat perfunctorily.
"So... that is Dr. Torres, right?"
When there was no reply she added "I'm surprised you two are still together."
"Well love will do that to you," Arizona replied tersely.
"I just assumed , after..."
"I am very happily married to my gorgeous wife and have three gorgeous babies."
"Arizona..."
Arizona turned to her, a fleeting sense of déjà vu, "Lauren, I'm really excited about this surgery....I think we can do something really good here. "
The elevator doors opened and they were at the NICU floor.
*****
She was an excellent surgeon, and charming and.... But Arizona would find herself looking at the woman from time to time over the coming days and find herself wondering...why? Why had she been so enthralled by her those years ago. Time had been kind to her but... Jesus she was no Callie Torres, there was no comparison, none.
It was never spoken of...in the day's that followed...it was all about the surgery, that was all. The very successful surgery as it turned out. Coffee in the cafeteria on her second last day was when she finally broke.
"So are we going to talk about it? " Lauren Boswell wanted to talk.
"It was the biggest mistake of my life....no offense...you are brilliant ...and beautiful and sexy... But my wife is all those things and more...I've talked about it to the people who matter, the person who matters... we talked about little else for months back then...and anything I could say to you would be superfluous."
"I have no regrets about it..." Boswell smiled.
Arizona shook her head, a little in pity, this woman would never get it, never understand the glory and the majesty of the mundaneness of marriage and children and a shared life. Seeing Callie out of the corner of her eye she smiled, beckoning her over, Callie shaking her head furiously. Boswell turning to see who it was, then wished she hadn't. That action meant Callie could not avoid an introduction. Even if it wasn't the one she fantasized about all those years ago involving her boot and the woman's face.
Still.
Tight smiles and no handshakes.
"You can have the rest of my coffee, I gotta go..."Arizona stood suddenly
"Wait what?" Callie looked at her in panic, Boswells face looked even more panicked.
"Hey I gotta go collect Dani... her teacher called something about... a punch in the playground?"
"What?" Callie alarmed for a different reason now.
"Oh no, it's okay, she was the one doing the punching..."Arizona practically skipped away.
She owed this to Callie. A confrontation if that's what she wanted, a conversation or just the knowledge that Lauren Boswell was not the bogeywoman or some goddess, just a woman, one who didn't hold a candle to her.
These last few days had been good,though. In a way it had laid to rest a very old ghost. The woman had no power over her, Arizona's mind and body did not betray her. She was just someone from a much regretted moment of madness. One moment, nothing to compare to a lifetime with her wife.
*****
"So this is awkward." Boswell stuttered
"It was a long time ago." Callie's voice was even
"You've clearly forgiven her so....bygones?" Asked with a charming smile.
"Ever been married?"
"Uhm, no."
"A really serious relationship?"
"Of course."
"One that when it ended you felt you couldn't breathe with the pain of losing them..?"
"Uhm...."
Callie shook her head. "Then, you will never get it. She was married, she was off limits and you knew that."
"Well so did she." Boswell wasn't taking all the blame.
"She had been through hell and back that year, you had to have known that, you..."
"She was awesome and gorgeous and...I took her, she let me..."
"She is awesome and is gorgeous and she's mine because she chooses me. Every day, me and our family. And I choose her too every single day."
"I'm sorry..." And suddenly she realized she was.
"Honestly, I don't care, you are...inconsequential to me, and to my wife."
"She could have been one of the great surgeons..."
"She is."
They sat in awkward silence then,"You two are quite a pair."
Callie smiled , "We are."
"I googled her, when I was coming back. I mean I have done a few times...over the years...you keep your private live's very private."
"We do."
"I thought if she was free, maybe we'd have some fun..."
"She wasn't free last time."
She chose to ignore the remark, the truth of it, as well as the gnawing other truth - that it wouldn't have mattered,free or not, if Arizona had wanted to, she would have.
"I dont think she gave me a second glance...if that matters."
"Thank you."
"I'm a little jealous actually..."
"I'm a lucky woman."
"Of her actually."
Callie raised her eyebrows but stayed silent.
"Of everything she has, this hospital, you, the kids she wouldn't shut up about, sometimes I think my career robbed me of...the chance to have something like that..."
Callie stood up, this woman had nothing to offer her or her family, had nothing she could take from them either. Another ghost laid to rest.
"I wish you all the best Dr. Boswell, you're leaving tomorrow? "
"One last consult with our patient and then , yup I'll be gone." She smiled then quietly added, "I'm sorry, for...."
"It was forever ago." Callie turned and walked away.
*****
The following night, wrapped in each others arms, Arizona was just on the edge of sleep. They'd barely had time to say 'Hello' the last few days.
"You ok?"
"Yup."
"It's been a long week, huh?"
"Yeah."
"But a good one...."
"Yeah, Callie go to sleep." Arizona was beyond exhausted.
"Surgery went well,right?"
"It did."
"Boswell got away okay?"
"I guess."
"She's okay actually" Callie stated.
"Mmmmm...I guess..." Arizona just needed sleep.
Callie smiled, so obvious was it that Arizona had no opinion on the woman, good, bad or indifferent.
"So Dani... Throws a mean punch, huh?"
She could feel Arizona smile.
"Wonder who she leaned that from?"
All she got in reply was a soft chuckle.
They were both asleep within minutes. Just because it was Saturday didn't mean a lie in, soccer practice, and swimming lessons and...then family brunch because that's what they did on Saturdays.
It's what they'd done for forever.