The Ballad of Jim and Bones - Chapter 5
Title:The Ballad of Jim and Bones (5/6)
Series: Star Trek AOS
Author:neko-fish
Beta:castofone
Pairings: Jim/Bones, slight Spock/Uhura
Rating: PG-13
Summary: It was the summer of 1985 when young Jim Kirk's life changed forever. After tumbling down a hill, deep in the woods, he ended up receiving help from the most unlikely figure. Little did he know that the group of people he encountered in the forest that year would teach him about the best and the worst aspects of life, human nature, and himself...
Warnings: AU, my first Star Trek fic.. Highlight for more -> past character death, ghost-ish story, the 1890s, and my crappy summary...
Chapter 1// Chapter 2// Chapter 3// Chapter 4
Chapter 5:
Packing up everything he owned, Jim left San Francisco for good and hopped onto the next plane over to Georgia to begin his training. While sitting there with his mind on Bones, he looked over at the empty seat next to his and wondered if he would get both seats to himself. From down the walkway, he could hear someone arguing with one of the crew members.
“You need a doctor.”
“I told you people I don’t need a doctor, dammit! I am a doctor!”
“You need to get back to your seat.”
“I had one! In the bathroom with no windows!”
“You need to get back to your seat, now.”
A moment later, a stewardess dragged a very distressed looking man out of the bathroom and practically threw him onto the seat next to Jim. Inwardly, he sighed; so much for having two seats to himself.
The brunet huffed and turned his head, announcing gruffly to him, “I may throw up on you.”
For some reason, that phrase sounded very familiar but he couldn’t quite put his finger on it. Raising a brow at the death grip the stranger had on the armrest, Jim tried his best to reassure the other. “I think these things are pretty safe.”
“Don’t pander to me, kid…”
Smiling to himself as the stranger went off on an angry rant, he realized with a mix of excitement and longing that the brunet reminded him of a modern version of Bones. Blue eyes glanced over to the bag that had been shoved under the seat in front of him. “So…‘L.H.T.’, you heading to Georgia for the OCS?”
The man eyed him for a moment and scowled. “Yeah, that’s right. What’s it to you, kid?”
Jim shook his head. “Nothing. I just figured that since I’ll be seeing you around the place, I should probably introduce myself. It’s Jim Kirk.”
Hazel eyes studied him for a moment before shrugging. “You’re going there too, eh? Guess I’ll be seeing you around. The name’s Len Tanner.”
“Len? What’s that short for? Leonard? Leonardo? Lenny?”
The brunet narrowed his eyes threateningly at the last suggestion. “If you ever call me ‘Lenny’, I swear you’ll get a needle to the eye so fast, you won’t know what hit you. It’s short for Leonard, and no, I didn’t have a say in it. My great-grandma Jo insisted on it since I was the first son in the family and all. She always wanted a Leonard in the family to honour her old man.”
He raised an eyebrow for a moment before smirking teasingly. “A little history behind a name’s always nice. But what does the H stand for? Handsome? Hunky? Husky?”
“It stands for ‘none of your business,’ you nosy brat.”
Jim laughed lightheartedly. “That didn’t even start with an H! It can’t be that bad, can it? Now I'm curious! Come on, Len! My middle name’s pretty awful too! I’ll tell you mine if you tell me yours. Please?”
The other man rolled his eyes. Yep, definitely Bones-like. “What are you? Eleven? It’s Horatio, happy? My full name’s Leonard Horatio Tanner.”
Blue eyes sparkling in amusement, he tried to hide his grin fruitlessly. “Horatio? Okay, I have to admit that that’s pretty bad. But at least it’s not Tiberius. I’m James Tiberius Kirk. It’s a pleasure to meet you, Leonard Horatio Tanner.”
“That’s Doctor Leonard Horatio Tanner to you.” Len’s lips curled upwards as he sat back, more relaxed than before.
He had a feeling that it was the beginning of a beautiful friendship.
--
As it turned out, because of a glitch in the system, the two of them ended up as dorm mates despite training for different things.
Jim did a double take when the brunet stepped inside, carelessly throwing his bags onto the ground with a tired sigh. When the doctor finally looked up, hazel eyes widened in disbelief as he muttered, “Oh, hell no…”
The blond stood there for a moment, grinning from ear to ear before holding his arms out invitingly. “Welcome to our humble abode, o'new roomie of mine!”
“Well, fuck.”
The beginning of a beautiful friendship indeed.
--
After the first two months, Jim gave Gaila a call since he promised to keep in touch. With his roommate out, he threw himself onto the couch with a groan. “Gaila? So I think I found my ‘type’ and I’m a little weirded out.”
“Oh?”
Then he realized that he didn’t properly greet the redhead. “This is Jim, by the way.”
“That’s what I thought. Hi, Jim, it’s good to hear from you. So are you going to tell me about your amazing epiphany or what?”
“Older, grumpy, southern doctors…with brown hair and greenish-brown eyes.”
“That’s very specific.”
“I know! Is that weird?”
“Yeah, it is, but also kind of hot. Tell me more about this new attractive southern doctor of yours.”
He knew there was a reason she was his favourite girl in the world.
--
It was 1998 when he laid there and stared upward. Stars spilt across the sky and the moon lit up the desert sand. It was beautiful and breathtaking, but all he could do was frown and glare at it.
“This isn’t worth it.”
Len scowled. “Shut up, Jim. It’s your own fault for blowing up a damn motorcycle yesterday!”
Jim tried to sit up only to be shoved back down by his friend. “They had it coming! How else was I supposed to get everyone out!?”
The brunet glared at him. “You could’ve been dishonourably discharged for it, you idiot! Besides, you’re the one who’s been ranting and raving about this mission since you heard about it! How else was I supposed to keep you here?”
“But did you really have to stuff a peanut down my throat!? You know I’m allergic!”
“I was doing you a favour - stay still, you damn cretin! I know you’re not that allergic! I made sure of it before hand! Besides, I had an EpiPen ready! I didn’t think you would react that quickly though.”
He would’ve yelled if he could, but his throat was still sore. “You call that a favour? My throat swelled up to twice its normal size! My tongue’s still numb!”
Sheepishly, the doctor conceded, “I have to admit, that was kind of alarming. But I couldn’t just leave you there looking all pathetic.”
“But right now, I’m here as your patient! I was supposed to be the platoon leader of the group! I mean, sure, this wasn’t supposed to be a dangerous mission or anything, but still!”
Len shrugged nonchalantly. “I’m sure they’ll consider you our leader when they find us again. You did get us to safety from that sandstorm after our XO drove off with the damn jeep.”
“I guess… Len, my tongue’s still numb,” he whined weakly.
“Then stop talking so much.”
“Oh, I wish I didn’t know you.”
The brunet rolled his eyes unsympathetically. “Don’t be such an infant. You’d be a lot more convincing if you’d stop using my lap as a pillow.”
“No. I refuse. You’re comfy. Besides, no one’s going to say anything to someone - technically, their platoon leader - who saved their asses from a freak storm while suffering from a severe allergy reaction. So just let me have my moment.” To emphasize his point, he wiggled around, finding a cozier position.
“Unbelievable,” the doctor muttered, but he made no move to push him away.
Closing his eyes briefly, Jim smiled contently, taking in his surrounding: a comforting fire, soft murmurs all around him, and warm hazel eyes.
--
Prior to meeting Len, Jim had been convinced that he would be in love with a tree for the rest of his life.
It didn’t take very long for him to realize that he had fallen for the man. The brunet was a graduate of the University of Mississippi and had come from a long line of doctors and was clearly passionate about his job despite all his complaints. Both the men and women in his family had always worked in the medical field and had been doing so for well over a century now. He also had the same overly caring heart and the same need to fix people as Bones, it was an endearing trait Jim absolutely couldn’t resist.
At one point, Jim began wondering whether he liked the doctor as much as he did because he reminded him of Bones or if it was something separate. He wanted to believe that it was the latter but couldn’t be sure. On the one hand, Len was alive, fun to be around, handsome in a scruffy way, a talented doctor, and Jim wouldn’t have to compete against a ghost for him (because whether or not Bones had accepted Just James’ death, the love and the memories would always be there).
But on the other hand, Len simply wasn’t Bones.
Wiping the sweat off his forehead, the blond stole a glance towards his men and heaved a sigh, wondering if this was the same dilemma Bones had gone through.
But there was no time to mull over it. He had men to lead out of the desert.
--
Len approached him while he packed. They were officially on leave for the next few weeks after having spent nearly a year at their desert post. The doctor asked idly, “Heading over to Montana to see those friends of yours again?”
“Yep, they get antsy when they don’t see me for too long. What about you? Heading back over to Georgia to see your family?”
The brunet nodded. “That’s the plan. Not looking forward to the flight as usual. Actually, about my family…” Len scratched the back of his head hesitantly. “I was kind of wondering if you’d maybe want to maybe come on over if you, I don’t know, maybe finish a little earlier with your thing in Montana…maybe.”
Ignoring all the ‘maybes’ the doctor managed to inject into his invitation, Jim’s eyes widened in surprise. “You want me to meet your family, Len? Really?”
“Not quite. It’s more like they want to meet you. They wouldn’t stop asking me about the owner of a certain annoyingly loud voice. I think you know the one. It’s the one I shared a dorm with? And then the same one I got stuck in the desert with? I think that’s the one that never fails to start blabbing away about absolutely nothing in the background whenever I’m on the phone too. Or maybe you’d recognize it as the one that won’t stop chanting my name whenever I’m talking to someone? Does that sound familiar to you, Jim?”
He grinned innocently. “I don’t know what you’re talking about, Len.”
Len rolled his eyes and heaved a sigh. “Whatever. Come if you want. The only incentive I can give you is that I think there’s an official decree that says my grandma makes the best peach cobbler in the country. It's a secret recipe that’s been passed down from our forefathers from way back when.”
Jim nodded mock-seriously. “That’s very convincing. I approve. How long can and-or should I stay for?”
His friend shrugged casually. “However long you’d like, I guess. We’ve got that southern hospitality reputation we’re supposed to live up to, unfortunately. If anything, you’re probably going to have a hard time trying to leave the place. My granny’s got a really strong grip for an 80 year old. I think they’re looking forward to meeting you. Everyone wants to meet the guy who managed to keep me relatively subdued through an entire plane ride.”
The blond grinned. “I still can’t believe you turned down Disney Land as a child just because you didn’t like flying.”
“Yeah, well, I’m not the one who turned down Hawaii and Europe to spend your time in some isolated forest in the middle of nowhere.”
“Point taken. I still can’t believe you’re inviting me to stay with your family, Len.” Jim’s heartbeat had quickened at the thought of it, but he tried to hide his nervousness behind his over exaggerated gushing and a horrible southern accent as he fanned himself. “Oh, fiddle-dee-dee, doctor, now you’ve gone and made me all flustered! Should I bring my best suit? Maybe I should buy a nice bottle of bourbon for them. Or maybe I should bake them a pie! Are there kids? Should I bring them toys?”
The brunet burst into laughter and shook his head. “Simmer down there, Scarlett O’Hara. I don’t think sitting around and being stuffed peach cobblers and baked goods is enough to warrant a full blown Gone with the Wind moment.” Then he tossed his head backwards with a chuckle and muttered to himself in amusement, “Jesus, next thing you know, someone will be running at me going ‘I don’t know nothin’ ‘bout birthin’ babies!’”
He couldn’t help but chuckle along with his friend. “In all seriousness though, is there anything I should be bringing with me? My Backstreet Boys CD? Oh! Can I bring my Spice Girls CD, please!?”
Hazel eyes narrowed. “Don’t you dare, Jim. It’s bad enough that I had to listen to you blasting that noise back in the dorm room. I still can’t believe you dragged me to one of their concerts of all unholy things. Just bring your big, dumb head and everything will be peachy keen.”
So for the first time in his life, Jim agreed to cut his annual visit to the woods short.
--
“Jim?”
Snapping out of his daze, the blond sat up. “Sorry, Bones. I guess my mind just wandered off.” He realized with some guilt that he had been thinking about the peach cobblers Len had promised him and the way the doctor had laughed at his horrible impersonation of Vivien Leigh. The guilt continued piling up when he realized just how much more he thought about Len than Bones when it should’ve been the other way around. “What were we talking about again?”
Bones had his eyebrow raised at his question. “We weren’t talking about anything at all, kid. You seem awfully distracted. Normally, I can’t seem to shut you up even when I try. Are you feeling alright? You’re not sick, are you?”
He shook his head and waved offhandedly to reassure the other. “No, I’m absolutely fine. I haven’t gotten sick since I was a kid. Don’t worry, Bones. I was just thinking about something.”
The doctor studied him carefully for a moment. “Someone. You mean you’re thinking about someone, don’t you? …is it that doctor friend you were living with? The one you seem to like talking about so much?”
Head snapping up, he stared at the brunet who merely shot him a smug grin. “Seriously, I thought I told you you’re not allowed to read my mind like that, Bones!”
“Can’t help it, Jimboy. It’s a natural skill of mine. So spill already. I’m not one for gossip, but it’s been awfully quiet around here lately.” When Jim didn’t answer right away, hazel eyes widened in surprise. “It’s serious, isn’t it?”
“How can you tell?” There were other questions he wanted to ask: ‘How can you tell if it’s real? How can you tell I actually like him? How can you tell if it’s not just because he reminds me of you?’
“Well, for one thing, you’re still thinking about him even as we speak, aren’t you? I think that answers a lot of questions.” He was right, it did. But it wasn’t the answer Jim was hoping to find. The doctor smiled softly and drawled, “And here, I never thought I’d see the day when Jim Kirk finally falls for someone. Must say, I’m rather glad though.”
He frowned in protest. “Hey, that’s not true! I fell for you, didn’t I?”
Leonard shook his head. “It’s not the same. I’ve told you time and time again, I’m only here until you find that special someone who’s actually living and breathing; someone you can actually be with.”
It always hurt when he was so bluntly reminded of all the things they couldn’t share and would never have. “You’re not going to disappear on me, are you? Besides, how can you tell? I know you’re special to me, but I can’t really tell with anyone else. Anyways, it’s only been like, two years and I’ve liked you since forever now. It’s not right. You’re supposed to be the only one for me!”
“And how’d you come to that conclusion? The heart’s a fickle thing, Jim. One minute you’re fine, the next, you’re dead on the ground from a heart attack. It’s pretty much the same thing with feelings and love and whatnot. It’s unpredictable. One minute you’re in love, the next, you’ve moved on. You might hate yourself now because you think you’re supposed to feel a certain way, be in love and stay in love with something or someone, but eventually, you get over it and forgive yourself.”
Jim wondered if Leonard was referring to him or James.
“But…”
The doctor frowned at him sharply. “Don’t give me any excuses now. Do you need my blessings or something? You’ve got it. I think it’s great that you’ve got interest in an actual, living person now. So stop moping around like an idiot.”
He felt a little upset at how casually the brunet was taking the situation. Here he was, mulling over Bones’ feelings and trying to sort out his own thoughts, while the man more or less shrugged it off. Did his feelings mean nothing to the doctor? He was about to fire off an angry retort when he looked at Leonard’s expression. Those saddened hazel eyes stopped him in his tracks. “Bones…”
Leonard shook his head, cutting off any argument he might’ve had. “It’s for the best, Jim. This was never going to be enough for you. You have no obligations here, so don’t let it hold you back and promise me you’ll at least try. And if you find that he’s good for you, you latch on real good and don’t let him go, you hear me?”
Unable to deny the man anything, he nodded sullenly. “I’ll see how it goes. But no matter what happens, don’t you worry, Bones, I won’t be going anywhere any time soon. You can’t get rid of me that easily. I’ll be here again next year, same as always.”
The brunet snorted. “I think that’s supposed to be my line. You ought to be out traversing the world like you’ve always wanted to.” Then more earnestly, he added, “I want what’s best for you, Jim, and that’s not me. Maybe it’s that doctor friend of yours, maybe it’s not. But you’ve got too much love in that damn heart of yours. It’d be a waste to spend it all on an old tree like me. So go out there and give someone else the chance to love you and to be loved by you. That’s the way things should be.”
Leaning back against the doctor’s tree, he tried his best to hold his tears back. Although he was too old to throw temper tantrums, he wasn’t too old to have his heart broken. “But it’s not fair…I love you, Bones. I really do. I’m so sorry, I never meant for this to happen. You were supposed to be the only one, I swear. You’re the one who’s always been there for me, even at my worst. I never meant for any of this. But it’s just…”
“But it’s not enough,” Leonard spoke gently, “I know, Jim. Don’t blame yourself for this. It’s not your fault. This was never going to be enough for you and it shouldn’t be good enough to satisfy you.”
Jim had never felt their lack of physical contact more acutely than at that moment. There was nothing more he wanted but warmth and contact of some kind but all he got was cold, hard tree bark against his back. Wiping his tears in frustration, he frowned. “I wish I could just touch you for once! There’s nothing I wouldn’t give for us to work out. I’ve wanted it so much for so long. It should've been enough. I love you so much. I really do and I always will, please believe me. I’m so sorry, Bones. I never planned on falling for anyone else.”
The doctor’s voice was heartbreakingly soft as he spoke, “I know, Jim, I know. Me too.”
And so, that was the end of the relationship they never really had.
Back to Chapter 4
Onwards to Chapter 6
Series: Star Trek AOS
Author:neko-fish
Beta:castofone
Pairings: Jim/Bones, slight Spock/Uhura
Rating: PG-13
Summary: It was the summer of 1985 when young Jim Kirk's life changed forever. After tumbling down a hill, deep in the woods, he ended up receiving help from the most unlikely figure. Little did he know that the group of people he encountered in the forest that year would teach him about the best and the worst aspects of life, human nature, and himself...
Warnings: AU, my first Star Trek fic.. Highlight for more -> past character death, ghost-ish story, the 1890s, and my crappy summary...
Chapter 1// Chapter 2// Chapter 3// Chapter 4
Chapter 5:
Packing up everything he owned, Jim left San Francisco for good and hopped onto the next plane over to Georgia to begin his training. While sitting there with his mind on Bones, he looked over at the empty seat next to his and wondered if he would get both seats to himself. From down the walkway, he could hear someone arguing with one of the crew members.
“You need a doctor.”
“I told you people I don’t need a doctor, dammit! I am a doctor!”
“You need to get back to your seat.”
“I had one! In the bathroom with no windows!”
“You need to get back to your seat, now.”
A moment later, a stewardess dragged a very distressed looking man out of the bathroom and practically threw him onto the seat next to Jim. Inwardly, he sighed; so much for having two seats to himself.
The brunet huffed and turned his head, announcing gruffly to him, “I may throw up on you.”
For some reason, that phrase sounded very familiar but he couldn’t quite put his finger on it. Raising a brow at the death grip the stranger had on the armrest, Jim tried his best to reassure the other. “I think these things are pretty safe.”
“Don’t pander to me, kid…”
Smiling to himself as the stranger went off on an angry rant, he realized with a mix of excitement and longing that the brunet reminded him of a modern version of Bones. Blue eyes glanced over to the bag that had been shoved under the seat in front of him. “So…‘L.H.T.’, you heading to Georgia for the OCS?”
The man eyed him for a moment and scowled. “Yeah, that’s right. What’s it to you, kid?”
Jim shook his head. “Nothing. I just figured that since I’ll be seeing you around the place, I should probably introduce myself. It’s Jim Kirk.”
Hazel eyes studied him for a moment before shrugging. “You’re going there too, eh? Guess I’ll be seeing you around. The name’s Len Tanner.”
“Len? What’s that short for? Leonard? Leonardo? Lenny?”
The brunet narrowed his eyes threateningly at the last suggestion. “If you ever call me ‘Lenny’, I swear you’ll get a needle to the eye so fast, you won’t know what hit you. It’s short for Leonard, and no, I didn’t have a say in it. My great-grandma Jo insisted on it since I was the first son in the family and all. She always wanted a Leonard in the family to honour her old man.”
He raised an eyebrow for a moment before smirking teasingly. “A little history behind a name’s always nice. But what does the H stand for? Handsome? Hunky? Husky?”
“It stands for ‘none of your business,’ you nosy brat.”
Jim laughed lightheartedly. “That didn’t even start with an H! It can’t be that bad, can it? Now I'm curious! Come on, Len! My middle name’s pretty awful too! I’ll tell you mine if you tell me yours. Please?”
The other man rolled his eyes. Yep, definitely Bones-like. “What are you? Eleven? It’s Horatio, happy? My full name’s Leonard Horatio Tanner.”
Blue eyes sparkling in amusement, he tried to hide his grin fruitlessly. “Horatio? Okay, I have to admit that that’s pretty bad. But at least it’s not Tiberius. I’m James Tiberius Kirk. It’s a pleasure to meet you, Leonard Horatio Tanner.”
“That’s Doctor Leonard Horatio Tanner to you.” Len’s lips curled upwards as he sat back, more relaxed than before.
He had a feeling that it was the beginning of a beautiful friendship.
--
As it turned out, because of a glitch in the system, the two of them ended up as dorm mates despite training for different things.
Jim did a double take when the brunet stepped inside, carelessly throwing his bags onto the ground with a tired sigh. When the doctor finally looked up, hazel eyes widened in disbelief as he muttered, “Oh, hell no…”
The blond stood there for a moment, grinning from ear to ear before holding his arms out invitingly. “Welcome to our humble abode, o'new roomie of mine!”
“Well, fuck.”
The beginning of a beautiful friendship indeed.
--
After the first two months, Jim gave Gaila a call since he promised to keep in touch. With his roommate out, he threw himself onto the couch with a groan. “Gaila? So I think I found my ‘type’ and I’m a little weirded out.”
“Oh?”
Then he realized that he didn’t properly greet the redhead. “This is Jim, by the way.”
“That’s what I thought. Hi, Jim, it’s good to hear from you. So are you going to tell me about your amazing epiphany or what?”
“Older, grumpy, southern doctors…with brown hair and greenish-brown eyes.”
“That’s very specific.”
“I know! Is that weird?”
“Yeah, it is, but also kind of hot. Tell me more about this new attractive southern doctor of yours.”
He knew there was a reason she was his favourite girl in the world.
--
It was 1998 when he laid there and stared upward. Stars spilt across the sky and the moon lit up the desert sand. It was beautiful and breathtaking, but all he could do was frown and glare at it.
“This isn’t worth it.”
Len scowled. “Shut up, Jim. It’s your own fault for blowing up a damn motorcycle yesterday!”
Jim tried to sit up only to be shoved back down by his friend. “They had it coming! How else was I supposed to get everyone out!?”
The brunet glared at him. “You could’ve been dishonourably discharged for it, you idiot! Besides, you’re the one who’s been ranting and raving about this mission since you heard about it! How else was I supposed to keep you here?”
“But did you really have to stuff a peanut down my throat!? You know I’m allergic!”
“I was doing you a favour - stay still, you damn cretin! I know you’re not that allergic! I made sure of it before hand! Besides, I had an EpiPen ready! I didn’t think you would react that quickly though.”
He would’ve yelled if he could, but his throat was still sore. “You call that a favour? My throat swelled up to twice its normal size! My tongue’s still numb!”
Sheepishly, the doctor conceded, “I have to admit, that was kind of alarming. But I couldn’t just leave you there looking all pathetic.”
“But right now, I’m here as your patient! I was supposed to be the platoon leader of the group! I mean, sure, this wasn’t supposed to be a dangerous mission or anything, but still!”
Len shrugged nonchalantly. “I’m sure they’ll consider you our leader when they find us again. You did get us to safety from that sandstorm after our XO drove off with the damn jeep.”
“I guess… Len, my tongue’s still numb,” he whined weakly.
“Then stop talking so much.”
“Oh, I wish I didn’t know you.”
The brunet rolled his eyes unsympathetically. “Don’t be such an infant. You’d be a lot more convincing if you’d stop using my lap as a pillow.”
“No. I refuse. You’re comfy. Besides, no one’s going to say anything to someone - technically, their platoon leader - who saved their asses from a freak storm while suffering from a severe allergy reaction. So just let me have my moment.” To emphasize his point, he wiggled around, finding a cozier position.
“Unbelievable,” the doctor muttered, but he made no move to push him away.
Closing his eyes briefly, Jim smiled contently, taking in his surrounding: a comforting fire, soft murmurs all around him, and warm hazel eyes.
--
Prior to meeting Len, Jim had been convinced that he would be in love with a tree for the rest of his life.
It didn’t take very long for him to realize that he had fallen for the man. The brunet was a graduate of the University of Mississippi and had come from a long line of doctors and was clearly passionate about his job despite all his complaints. Both the men and women in his family had always worked in the medical field and had been doing so for well over a century now. He also had the same overly caring heart and the same need to fix people as Bones, it was an endearing trait Jim absolutely couldn’t resist.
At one point, Jim began wondering whether he liked the doctor as much as he did because he reminded him of Bones or if it was something separate. He wanted to believe that it was the latter but couldn’t be sure. On the one hand, Len was alive, fun to be around, handsome in a scruffy way, a talented doctor, and Jim wouldn’t have to compete against a ghost for him (because whether or not Bones had accepted Just James’ death, the love and the memories would always be there).
But on the other hand, Len simply wasn’t Bones.
Wiping the sweat off his forehead, the blond stole a glance towards his men and heaved a sigh, wondering if this was the same dilemma Bones had gone through.
But there was no time to mull over it. He had men to lead out of the desert.
--
Len approached him while he packed. They were officially on leave for the next few weeks after having spent nearly a year at their desert post. The doctor asked idly, “Heading over to Montana to see those friends of yours again?”
“Yep, they get antsy when they don’t see me for too long. What about you? Heading back over to Georgia to see your family?”
The brunet nodded. “That’s the plan. Not looking forward to the flight as usual. Actually, about my family…” Len scratched the back of his head hesitantly. “I was kind of wondering if you’d maybe want to maybe come on over if you, I don’t know, maybe finish a little earlier with your thing in Montana…maybe.”
Ignoring all the ‘maybes’ the doctor managed to inject into his invitation, Jim’s eyes widened in surprise. “You want me to meet your family, Len? Really?”
“Not quite. It’s more like they want to meet you. They wouldn’t stop asking me about the owner of a certain annoyingly loud voice. I think you know the one. It’s the one I shared a dorm with? And then the same one I got stuck in the desert with? I think that’s the one that never fails to start blabbing away about absolutely nothing in the background whenever I’m on the phone too. Or maybe you’d recognize it as the one that won’t stop chanting my name whenever I’m talking to someone? Does that sound familiar to you, Jim?”
He grinned innocently. “I don’t know what you’re talking about, Len.”
Len rolled his eyes and heaved a sigh. “Whatever. Come if you want. The only incentive I can give you is that I think there’s an official decree that says my grandma makes the best peach cobbler in the country. It's a secret recipe that’s been passed down from our forefathers from way back when.”
Jim nodded mock-seriously. “That’s very convincing. I approve. How long can and-or should I stay for?”
His friend shrugged casually. “However long you’d like, I guess. We’ve got that southern hospitality reputation we’re supposed to live up to, unfortunately. If anything, you’re probably going to have a hard time trying to leave the place. My granny’s got a really strong grip for an 80 year old. I think they’re looking forward to meeting you. Everyone wants to meet the guy who managed to keep me relatively subdued through an entire plane ride.”
The blond grinned. “I still can’t believe you turned down Disney Land as a child just because you didn’t like flying.”
“Yeah, well, I’m not the one who turned down Hawaii and Europe to spend your time in some isolated forest in the middle of nowhere.”
“Point taken. I still can’t believe you’re inviting me to stay with your family, Len.” Jim’s heartbeat had quickened at the thought of it, but he tried to hide his nervousness behind his over exaggerated gushing and a horrible southern accent as he fanned himself. “Oh, fiddle-dee-dee, doctor, now you’ve gone and made me all flustered! Should I bring my best suit? Maybe I should buy a nice bottle of bourbon for them. Or maybe I should bake them a pie! Are there kids? Should I bring them toys?”
The brunet burst into laughter and shook his head. “Simmer down there, Scarlett O’Hara. I don’t think sitting around and being stuffed peach cobblers and baked goods is enough to warrant a full blown Gone with the Wind moment.” Then he tossed his head backwards with a chuckle and muttered to himself in amusement, “Jesus, next thing you know, someone will be running at me going ‘I don’t know nothin’ ‘bout birthin’ babies!’”
He couldn’t help but chuckle along with his friend. “In all seriousness though, is there anything I should be bringing with me? My Backstreet Boys CD? Oh! Can I bring my Spice Girls CD, please!?”
Hazel eyes narrowed. “Don’t you dare, Jim. It’s bad enough that I had to listen to you blasting that noise back in the dorm room. I still can’t believe you dragged me to one of their concerts of all unholy things. Just bring your big, dumb head and everything will be peachy keen.”
So for the first time in his life, Jim agreed to cut his annual visit to the woods short.
--
“Jim?”
Snapping out of his daze, the blond sat up. “Sorry, Bones. I guess my mind just wandered off.” He realized with some guilt that he had been thinking about the peach cobblers Len had promised him and the way the doctor had laughed at his horrible impersonation of Vivien Leigh. The guilt continued piling up when he realized just how much more he thought about Len than Bones when it should’ve been the other way around. “What were we talking about again?”
Bones had his eyebrow raised at his question. “We weren’t talking about anything at all, kid. You seem awfully distracted. Normally, I can’t seem to shut you up even when I try. Are you feeling alright? You’re not sick, are you?”
He shook his head and waved offhandedly to reassure the other. “No, I’m absolutely fine. I haven’t gotten sick since I was a kid. Don’t worry, Bones. I was just thinking about something.”
The doctor studied him carefully for a moment. “Someone. You mean you’re thinking about someone, don’t you? …is it that doctor friend you were living with? The one you seem to like talking about so much?”
Head snapping up, he stared at the brunet who merely shot him a smug grin. “Seriously, I thought I told you you’re not allowed to read my mind like that, Bones!”
“Can’t help it, Jimboy. It’s a natural skill of mine. So spill already. I’m not one for gossip, but it’s been awfully quiet around here lately.” When Jim didn’t answer right away, hazel eyes widened in surprise. “It’s serious, isn’t it?”
“How can you tell?” There were other questions he wanted to ask: ‘How can you tell if it’s real? How can you tell I actually like him? How can you tell if it’s not just because he reminds me of you?’
“Well, for one thing, you’re still thinking about him even as we speak, aren’t you? I think that answers a lot of questions.” He was right, it did. But it wasn’t the answer Jim was hoping to find. The doctor smiled softly and drawled, “And here, I never thought I’d see the day when Jim Kirk finally falls for someone. Must say, I’m rather glad though.”
He frowned in protest. “Hey, that’s not true! I fell for you, didn’t I?”
Leonard shook his head. “It’s not the same. I’ve told you time and time again, I’m only here until you find that special someone who’s actually living and breathing; someone you can actually be with.”
It always hurt when he was so bluntly reminded of all the things they couldn’t share and would never have. “You’re not going to disappear on me, are you? Besides, how can you tell? I know you’re special to me, but I can’t really tell with anyone else. Anyways, it’s only been like, two years and I’ve liked you since forever now. It’s not right. You’re supposed to be the only one for me!”
“And how’d you come to that conclusion? The heart’s a fickle thing, Jim. One minute you’re fine, the next, you’re dead on the ground from a heart attack. It’s pretty much the same thing with feelings and love and whatnot. It’s unpredictable. One minute you’re in love, the next, you’ve moved on. You might hate yourself now because you think you’re supposed to feel a certain way, be in love and stay in love with something or someone, but eventually, you get over it and forgive yourself.”
Jim wondered if Leonard was referring to him or James.
“But…”
The doctor frowned at him sharply. “Don’t give me any excuses now. Do you need my blessings or something? You’ve got it. I think it’s great that you’ve got interest in an actual, living person now. So stop moping around like an idiot.”
He felt a little upset at how casually the brunet was taking the situation. Here he was, mulling over Bones’ feelings and trying to sort out his own thoughts, while the man more or less shrugged it off. Did his feelings mean nothing to the doctor? He was about to fire off an angry retort when he looked at Leonard’s expression. Those saddened hazel eyes stopped him in his tracks. “Bones…”
Leonard shook his head, cutting off any argument he might’ve had. “It’s for the best, Jim. This was never going to be enough for you. You have no obligations here, so don’t let it hold you back and promise me you’ll at least try. And if you find that he’s good for you, you latch on real good and don’t let him go, you hear me?”
Unable to deny the man anything, he nodded sullenly. “I’ll see how it goes. But no matter what happens, don’t you worry, Bones, I won’t be going anywhere any time soon. You can’t get rid of me that easily. I’ll be here again next year, same as always.”
The brunet snorted. “I think that’s supposed to be my line. You ought to be out traversing the world like you’ve always wanted to.” Then more earnestly, he added, “I want what’s best for you, Jim, and that’s not me. Maybe it’s that doctor friend of yours, maybe it’s not. But you’ve got too much love in that damn heart of yours. It’d be a waste to spend it all on an old tree like me. So go out there and give someone else the chance to love you and to be loved by you. That’s the way things should be.”
Leaning back against the doctor’s tree, he tried his best to hold his tears back. Although he was too old to throw temper tantrums, he wasn’t too old to have his heart broken. “But it’s not fair…I love you, Bones. I really do. I’m so sorry, I never meant for this to happen. You were supposed to be the only one, I swear. You’re the one who’s always been there for me, even at my worst. I never meant for any of this. But it’s just…”
“But it’s not enough,” Leonard spoke gently, “I know, Jim. Don’t blame yourself for this. It’s not your fault. This was never going to be enough for you and it shouldn’t be good enough to satisfy you.”
Jim had never felt their lack of physical contact more acutely than at that moment. There was nothing more he wanted but warmth and contact of some kind but all he got was cold, hard tree bark against his back. Wiping his tears in frustration, he frowned. “I wish I could just touch you for once! There’s nothing I wouldn’t give for us to work out. I’ve wanted it so much for so long. It should've been enough. I love you so much. I really do and I always will, please believe me. I’m so sorry, Bones. I never planned on falling for anyone else.”
The doctor’s voice was heartbreakingly soft as he spoke, “I know, Jim, I know. Me too.”
And so, that was the end of the relationship they never really had.
Back to Chapter 4
Onwards to Chapter 6