RP Log: Utter Fluffcrack! [1/2]
Title: Utter Fluffcrack! [1/2]
Rating: PG-13
Genre: fluff of unbelievable proportions, crack of the same amount, humor
Authors: toboe_lonewolf and wingsover
Characters: Neji, Tenten, Naruto, Sasuke
This grew out of a combination of sleeplessness, RP-new-player excitement, and pure crack., beginning with a conversation about a particularly astounding example of yaoi fic. If this were a het fic, mind, even a Nejiten, the amount of batshit-insane happenings and bad grammar and writing could not have saved it. It just so happened that it was a NejiNaru.
With kids.
And then we began to wonder how the characters would react to it, and well... The rest you can see for yourself.
* * *
[Wingsover puppeted Neji and Naruto]
[Toboelonewolf puppeted Tenten]
* * *
Neji: *boggling* They made me...they made me...they made me.... *can't even say it*
Naruto: WHO CARES ABOUT NEJI?! Look what they did TO ME!
Naruto: They made me some weepy pregnant woman though! That is like THE COMPLETE OPPOSITE OF WHAT I AM!
Neji: *looking anxiously at Tenten* You don't think I'm gay?
Tenten: .......
Naruto: *still ranting* I mean, they made Neji an asshole. That much is true. And he still got to be, like, the more manly gay one. But me! They RAPED MY CHARACTER FIGURATIVELY AND LITERALLY!
Tenten: ...It took awhile to get proof?
Neji: *face pales* Why did you hesitate so long? And...WHAT PROOF?
Tenten: Well, if I said it, it'd be blackmail.
Neji: *is unsure whether to be glad she has 'proof' or upset she has 'blackmail'*
Tenten: XD
Neji: Wait...does that mean...you ONCE THOUGHT I was gay?!
Tenten: Oh, and by the way, Naruto...don't worry, I have proof too.
Tenten: Um, Neji, er...."innocent before proven guilty?"
Tenten: =D...?
Naruto: *actually puffs his chest out proudly*
Neji: *is glowering dangerously*
Tenten: Hey! I said innocent before guilty, not the other way around!
Naruto: *willing to stick up for a Neji-bullied female as always* Hey, back off Hyuuga!
Neji: ...I need to go kill something.
Tenten: Not the squirrels, Neji. You promised Lee.
Neji: *pouts* I've had a very bad day. Can't I get an exception for once?
Naruto: *reading rest of the fic* Hey, Tenten. In the prequel to that “story”, you're on trial for trying to murder me when you find out me and Neji are in - *gags* love. Then you marry Rock Lee and have his children.
Tenten: >> Apparently then, somehow I am proven innocent if I am still able to marry...Lee...and have kids...multiple kids...
Tenten: ...this fanfic is disturbing.
Neji: *his face is frozen in a rictus of Byakugan-eyed rage* GIVE ME THE AUTHOR'S NAME
Tenten: ...Didn't we put a proposal to the Hokage to wipe this stuff out?
Neji: She's not moving fast enough. Apparently we must take justice into our own hands.
Tenten: *is calm while sharpening a katana*
Tenten: Yes. I say we hurry this up a bit.
Neji: ...Tenten. You don't like Lee in...that way, right?
Tenten: Definitely not in that way.
Tenten: Though "that way" is pushing it, because that author has absolutely terrible literacy skills by default.
Tenten: *is still sharpening katana*
Tenten: I doubt there was...any romance described at all.
Neji: I don't even want to know. *coughs* It's just, you know, if there was any hint of truth at all in her writings - I'll assume it's a yaoi fangirl - then it might make the idiocy of pairing me up with *grimaces* Uzumaki or *grimaces again* Iruka-sensei seem more plausible.
Tenten: *dangerously* Neji, are you doubting my sense?
Neji: *placatingly* No. Of course not. Never. Tenten, please put that sword down...
Naruto: *snickering*
Tenten: *goes back to sharpening* Good. Because, you know, just because I like to aim high doesn't mean I could aim...lower...
Neji: *gulps and instinctively puts hands over himself*
Tenten: >D
Tenten: And you had particular trouble in that area, didn't you Neji...against Naruto's battle...
Neji: *scowls*
Tenten: Just so we're all clear.
Naruto: *sniggering* Oh guuuuys.
Tenten: What?
Naruto: There aren't only bad fics on the Internet, y'know. There are some really good ones too. Like this one....
Naruto: *shows them a well-written NejiTen fic. They do exist.*
Tenten: Good is subjunctive.
Tenten: ..........
Neji: 0.o (trying to hide nosebleed)
Tenten: *redder than one thousand suns*
Tenten: WHAT?!?!?!?!
Neji: *voice muffled because he is holding his nose* Thad neber habbened! Neber!
Tenten: They- and me-- and him- and they. Oh no. Nonononono.
Naruto: *snickering* My my, Tenten. A FRENCH MAID costume? Ooooh la la.
Tenten: NOT HAPPENING.
Neji: *eyes glaze slightly* Uh. Yeah. Whad she said.
Tenten: Besides, Neji would, would never just, just--
Tenten: No. I don't want to think about it.
Naruto: ...let himself be seduced by you? Man, Tenten, I thought you believed he wasn't gay.
Tenten: HE ISN'T--
Tenten: Whoops.
Tenten: I mean, *takes deep breath* Neji is most definitely not gay.
Naruto: *almost purring - it must be the fox inside him* Then why is it so hard to believe that Neji could, just possibly, maybe, be turned on by a pretty girl in a French Maid fetish costume?
Neji: *is kind of just staring into space, not really listening*
Tenten: ....
Tenten: ....Neji just wouldn't. He's too much of a proper gentleman.
Tenten: And Naruto, what I said to Neji earlier can also apply to you.
Naruto: *scoffs* Oh, like every other kunoichi in the village hasn't already tried that on me. And gentleman, shmentleman. He WOULD have to be gay not to react.
Tenten: *growls*
Tenten: ...Neji, are you listening?
Naruto: *suddenly grins* You know, I don't think he is.
Neji: *staring off into the distance with a goofy smile on his face*
Tenten: *pokes Neji* Neji! NEJI!
Tenten: Neji, if it's the lemon, I understand. If it's the French Maid costume, sky goddess help me, I am SO going to--
Neji: *mumbling happily* Mmm, whipped cream...
Naruto: ^_____________^ Neji, my friend.
Tenten: *leers* ...Neji. Are you referring to whipped cream and lemons or whipped cream and French maid costumes?
Neji: *dreamily* Whipped cream and fr.... *suddenly realizes who he's talking to* ennnn...ennn...Tenten! I uh...what...?!
Naruto: *still watching, amused*
Tenten: *redder than five thousand suns, and this time it's not of embarrassment*
Tenten: NE. JI.
Neji: *scrambles away* I was thinking of...of...having vanilla ice cream! WITH whipped cream! For a snack!
Naruto: *with a Jiraiya-esque expression* Ooooh, ice cream AND whipped cream? That's even kinkier, Neji.
Tenten: *red at thought of kinky Neji*
Neji: *turning red too* I DIDN'T MEAN IT THAT WAY!
Tenten: ....
Tenten: thought: *kinky Neji* *evil Naruto*
Naruto: *still grinning* Oh, so you mean you WOULDN'T like to lick it off Tenten's skin? Neji, I thought you wanted to prove you weren't gay.
Tenten: GOD NO.
Tenten: Neji is NOT licking ANYTHING off of me.
Neji: *tries really really hard not to look disappointed* ...yeah. What she said.
Naruto: *pouts* Aww...and I thought I'd be able to draw Ero-sennin something better than anything he's come up with. You guys are no fun.
Tenten: *very calmly* You know, Neji, I think all of this fanfic reading has given Naruto some very peculiar ideas.
Tenten: This must be corrected.
Naruto: *still grinning like a fox* Fanfic, shmanfic. I trained with JIRAIYA and KAKASHI for years.
Tenten: Because Neji, whipped cream, me, and French maid costumes do not mix.
Tenten: AT ALL.
Neji: *trying harder than ever to keep dejected tone out of voice* Yeah. What she said.
Tenten: ...*suspiciously* Neji?
Naruto: *mock-sympathetically* Poor Neji. I guess being gay IS the only way you're going to get any, then.
Tenten: *explodes* GODS. YOU WANT PROOF, THEN?!?!?!?!
Naruto: *used to the rages of Tsunade and Sakura, is serene* Sure. Lay it on me.
Tenten: *remembers what the proof actually is*
Tenten: *red*
Tenten: Oh crud.
Neji: *suspiciously* Tenten?
Tenten: *weakly* Can we just say that I just know Neji is most definitely absolutely not gay in any sense of the word?
Naruto: *grinning, because he never stops if he's having this much fun* Nuh-uh-uh, Tenten! You need to explain why you don't believe Mr. Long-haired girl-beating Hyuuga over here don't swing for the other team.
Neji: HEY!
Tenten: *is very very red*
Naruto: *purring again* I do believe you're blushing, Tenten! What could make the weapons-mistress blush?
Tenten: hetalksinhissleepokay
Naruto: *delighted* What?
Neji: *horrified* WHAT?!
Naruto and Neji: What did I/he say?!
Tenten: I'm not telling!
Naruto: Well, that's not any kind of proof at all!
Tenten: *throws up hands* He talks in his sleep about me and Sakura and Ino and sometimes even Hinata and Anko, OKAY! OKAY?!?!?!!
Tenten: *is incredibly red now*
Naruto: Hinata? DUUUDE. Your own cousin?
Neji: I DON'T REMEMBER ANY OF THIS!
Tenten: Well, that was only once.
Naruto: Huh. So I guess you aren't gay.
Naruto: Sasuke will be disappointed.
Tenten: So Neji is most definitely not gay.
Tenten: ...what?
Naruto: Oh, he wants Neji to be gay so that he can have a shot at you.
Tenten: ...Sasuke...and Neji...and...Naruto, are you joking...
Neji: WHAT THE *)@U)#()@!! HELL!
Naruto: *very insincerely* Oh, did I let the secret slip? My bad.
Tenten: *runs to computer*
Tenten: Did you see the ones with YOU and Sasuke?
Tenten: I've heard SasuNaru is very popular.
Naruto: *scowls* Yeah. Sucks to be the main with a rival.
Naruto: So you see why I want the teme to get a girlfriend and stop getting shipped with ME!
Tenten: ...Neji is not a girl.
Naruto: Tenten, did you not hear what I just said? Sasuke wants NEJI to be gay so that he can have a shot at YOU.
Tenten: ...
Tenten: ..............
Naruto: Although if the two pricks do get together, maybe they'll stop shipping me with him too! Either way, a win-win situation, though I would prefer my best friend NOT BE GAY.
Tenten: ....While Sasuke is admittedly very hot, I am now utterly disgusted at the way Sasuke proposes.
Naruto: What?
Neji: *face falling. She thinks he's very hot?*
Tenten: Sasuke wants Neji to be gay, and then he'll make a move on me? Because he thinks it'd be safe?
Tenten: That automatically lowers my impression.
Tenten: ...And I thought Uchihas were confident.
Naruto: *defending his best friend* Hey, Sasuke's drilled into the whole clan manners thing! He's not scared - he just wants to make sure Neji DOESN'T have a prior claim. Sasuke don't want to poach!
Neji: *trying not to yell out he does, in fact, have prior claim*
Tenten: I am not something to be CLAIMED!
Naruto: Hey, I don't make up clan customs. I just learn about 'em.
Tenten: Sasuke could have, you know, just asked.
Neji: HE COULD HAVE WHAT.
Tenten: Which doesn't require anyone to be gay.
Naruto: Really! Can I tell him so?
Tenten: I hate third parties.
Tenten: He can ask me himself. Walk up to me, and say, "Tenten, will you go out with me?"
Naruto: *looking at her* Gee, I'm glad I don't have a crush on you. You're pretty hard to please, aren't you?
Tenten: What, he not man enough to ask me out himself?
Tenten: Has to wheedle between third parties? >>
Neji: *choking on rage in the background*
Tenten: I like a man who knows what he wants. So yeah, I guess I am hard to please.
Naruto: Huh. I don't know why he would like you, except that you both have the scary-weapons-love thing going on - and you have a hot body - but I'll tell him. *turns serious* Just remember; he didn't ask me to go tell you. He thought you were with Neji, and he was going to spend the rest of his life, it looked like, just pining after you anyway. AND ignoring the hotties who WERE throwing themselves at his feet.
Tenten: *blushes*
Neji: *watching all this with a sinking feeling*
Naruto: *grins at the blush* Huh. So the teme DOES have a chance.
Tenten: ...Not if...not if someone else asks me first.
Naruto: Huh. Good luck with that. *walks off, whistling - doesn't mean to be mean, but can't help rooting for Sasuke over Neji*
Neji: *didn't hear Tenten's words*
Tenten: ...okay. That's the last time we let Naruto into our training session.
Neji: *sulkily* Yes.
Tenten: *facepalm* Gods. Fanfics, you being gay, dating, Sasuke...
Neji: Oh yes. SASUKE.
Tenten: I think just for kicks I'm going to slam the door in his face. Or something.
Tenten: Dangnabbit. I hope Sasuke really doesn't ask me out.
Neji: *cheers up considerably*
Tenten: For one, totally not the time.
Tenten: Two, way too busy training for next chuunin exam. I am totally going to beat that Temari woman the next time.
Tenten: ...Okay. Maybe. If it's only for weapons.
Neji: This will necessitate much training. *almost grins* A lot of training
Tenten: Yeah, so unless Sasuke will let me learn some of those Uchiha shuriken tricks, definitely not.
Neji: *face falls*
Tenten: And I'll bet he won't do that, 'cause he's a stuck-up Uchiha emo, which is understandable, but he's got a long way to go and I am not going to spend time doing that.
Tenten: *grumbles at the way Sasuke had brushed her off five years ago at academy*
(though this brushing off was actually due to Sasuke's dumbfoundedment)
Neji: What. Five. Years. Ago.
((somewhere, Sasuke is sneezing and getting a sad feeling))
Tenten: Oh, I asked him to show me that neato shadow shuriken trick, and he just kinda stared at me and said, "are you talking to me?" kind of way. Like he couldn't believe I was talking to him, the Uchiha genius.
Tenten: Geez. Like he can't share his "genius-ness" or whatever.
Neji: *shifts uncomfortably*
Sasuke: (somewhere far away) Man, I STILL can't believe I froze up when she talked to me! SHE! TALKED! TO! ME! *agonizes over the missed chance for the 80,000th time*
Tenten: Yeah, geniuses are cool and all, but they kinda suck in the emotional-development department, I guess.
Neji: *looks awkward. Unsure whether to defend retarded social growth - and thus Sasuke - or to shut up*
Neji: *chooses to shut up*
Tenten: *sighs* Takes 'em a while.
Tenten: Kinda tired of waiting. It's probably going to take Sasuke like, ten years.
Tenten: Though I suppose geniuses are better than, than...someone like Naruto. >>
Tenten: ....*sighs again*
Neji: ...what is it. *not looking at her deliberately*
Tenten: ...Neji...
Tenten: ...Do you think Naruto was right?
Neji: Uzumaki and right rarely belong in the same sentence.
Tenten: ...Am I that hard to like?
Tenten: I mean, I know I'm not that feminine, but I'm trying, and I know I'm a bit weapons-obsessed--
Neji: Tenten. The boy is insane for Haruno. Who constantly abuses him both physically and verbally. He is not the right judge for someone's likeability.
Tenten: And I'm sorry if I don't fawn over as guys as I apparently should...
Neji: TENTEN.
Neji: Tenten. DON'T LISTEN TO HIM. You're fine the way you are.
Tenten: And I'm training harder so I beat up that Temari wo-- Neji?
Tenten: ...I'm fine?
Neji: Finally you listen to me. Who wants some air headed fangirling weakling anyway?
Tenten: ...Um, no one?
Tenten: Wait, are you referring to Sakura or me?
Tenten: 'Cause Sakura isn't weak.
Neji: The point I have been trying to make is that you aren't a weakling fangirl. And that liking weapons is a sign of strength.
Tenten: It's perfectly fine for Naruto to like Sakura-- oh.
Tenten: *blushes*
Neji: *distracted* It is? Why? She's always FIGHTING with him...
Tenten: Well, I'm not going to speak for Sakura, but it's not wrong for Naruto to like Sakura himself.
Tenten: Geez Neji, you said it yourself. Naruto is heads over heels about Sakura.
Neji: For no reason I can discern.
Tenten: Love is weird, that's why.
Tenten: It makes absolutely no sense.
Neji: ...is that what you think?
Tenten: It makes people ask weird questions and do weird stuff. Yeah, love makes no sense.
Neji: But that's...that's DANGEROUS. That's infatuation! That's why people need to be careful...
Tenten: Infatuation, love...it all looks the same in the beginning. That's why it's just weird. You never know when it's "love" or "infatuation" or...
Tenten: ...or...just something else.
Neji: *blinks*
Tenten: You know all that poetic crap they say about love, like falling in love and dying because of love and, and...Neji, it scares me sometimes. It's freaky. Love and infatuation makes people do weird things.
Tenten: And people want these weird things to happen to them.
Neji: ...So. That explains why Uzumaki is head over heels for Haruno?
Tenten: Like they need this, this...weird thing to exist.
Neji: Because "love" has stolen what few wits he has?
Tenten: It explains why people are freaky when they think they're in love.
Tenten: But yeah, your explanation works too.
Tenten: And what's really freaky is when they know it's just freaky and they want it to happen. Like it's the greatest thing in the world.
Tenten: Yeah. Love. It's freaky. Don't wanna mess with it.
Tenten: *softly* Except it already has...
Neji: *gaze sharpens* What do you mean?
Tenten: *gazes*
Tenten: Let's just train.
Neji: ...*hesitates. Training has always = escape*
Neji: No. I want to know what you meant by that.
Tenten: *shifts* Um, what?
Neji: You said love messed with you. And you were saying all that stuff about doing idiotic things because of it, and wanting it to happen, like it was the greatest thing in the world.
Neji: *has very good memory of anything TENTEN says* WHAT DID YOU MEAN BY THAT.
Tenten: *weakly* Doesn't...everybody?
Neji: Doesn't everybody what?
Tenten: Fall in love?
Neji: ...you. You. You've....fallen...in...love?
Tenten: ...
Tenten: ....may....be...?
Tenten: *turns away* Kinda the reason why I think love's freaky.
Neji: WHO.
Neji: Was it Uchiha?
Tenten: What? God no.
Neji: THEN WHO WAS IT?
Tenten: Unless you count crushes.
Neji: WHAT!
Neji: *eyes reflexively going into Byakugan*
Tenten: Neji, crushes do not...*see Byakugan*...count...
Neji: *seething* Who WAS IT.
Tenten: Not Sasuke, okay! Not him, I swear!
Tenten: The crush lasted only two weeks, three days, four hours and three minutes!
Neji: *is mildly alarmed that she kept such precise track* That long?
Tenten: Hey, a girl's first crush you never forget.
Neji: First...crush?
Neji: FIRST crush?
Tenten: Um, yeah?
Tenten: Hey, this is personal!
Tenten: why do you think I asked him to teach me the shadow shuriken trick anyways?
Neji: I am your teammate. Something that affects your effectiveness on the field is MY business.
Neji: I THOUGHT YOU WANTED TO BE STRONGER!
Tenten: Well, yeah!
Tenten: Bonus points?
Neji: *growls*
Tenten: It fell through though, anyway.
Neji: SO WHO'S THE BASTARD YOU'RE "IN LOVE" WITH, THEN.
Tenten: Eep.
Neji: *advances threateningly* Tell me.
Tenten: So not good.
Tenten: Definitely having some reconsiderations.
Neji: TELL ME!
Neji: *doesn't notice that he's getting uncharacteristically flustered because he is - uncharacteristically flustered.*
Tenten: Um, Neji! You're really really red! Um, we should totally just uh, stop talking now and uh-
continuation to be found here.