Big Butt Good 4 Cheap Jeans
Gotta love Spring, right? The tulips, blossoms on trees, green popping up everywhere, warmer weather... It makes me feel good, no matter what else might be going on in my life.
To officially mark the beginning of Happy Time, I go to the salon to get my annual Spring tune-up. The Hair Issue is something you'll notice I talk about quite a bit. For one thing, I'm Sikh which means hair in general is a huge issue--whether it's the hair on my head, or anywhere else. For another, I'm Brown. My Brown sisters and many of my dark-haired sistren (as well as some brethren who I've seen coming out of the waxing room, pulling their shirts away from their chests and backs) understand The Hair Issue well. But more on that later.
The Spring tune-up is always a mixed bag for someone like me. See, me -- I'm that gal who longs to stand on a cliff by the sea, staring out at the Great Expanse with the wind blowing through my leg hairs.
But then I walk out in my first pair of shorts of the season, and my 6-year-old looks at me with sheer horror in her eyes. "Mommy, are you going outside like that?"
Apparently, no. Off I go to the nail place to have my legs mowed.
"Ten minutes," says Wendy. Based on previous experience, I know that ten minutes is salon-speak for twenty-five. So I settle down and grab a few magazines. The first one I see?
Obviously, there is a right way to have a butt and a wrong way:
Wrong way = bumps and dimples
Right way = liposuction + collagen therapy + 5 hours of squats a day.
I browse through the other mags in the place with curiosity, to bring myself up to speed on everything I've been missing out on.
Wendy calls me in and the first thing she does when we get in the room is whirl me around. "Nice jean! No make look skinny!"
Me: Um....
She pats the cot for me to lay down. "Where you find jean?"
I look down. "Generic Target brand."
"Tar-get??" She pokes her head out the door and lets out a string of Korean.
Uproarious laughter ensues.
She comes back and sprinkles baby powder on my legs. "It's good. Big butt good for cheap jean." She gives me a wide smile. "You big butt."
As she proceeds to rip the hair out of my legs, I take a good look around me. This is where women (and many men) come to pamper themselves. To get themselves all do'ed up with swirls and glitter and smells and lotions. The magazines help us figure out exactly what needs replacing and fixing. When we come out, we're perfect -- hairless, shaped, coiffed, polished, and mani/pedi-cured...cured, I tell you!
...For at least a week to ten days.