fic: Hallways
Title: Hallways
Author: needle428
Spoilers: Everything up through "Affairs of State"
Pairing: Alicia/Kalinda
Genre: Angsty, but hopeful?
Summary: The road to recovery? Alicia let out the breath that she hadn't realized she was holding. God she hated hallways.
A/N: Dear Mr. and Mrs. King, I just got around to watching this week's episode and found myself frustrated with the continued neglect of Alicia/Kalinda interactions. I know they're in a fight. I get it. And I know you have a plan. I get that too. But Kalinda is not just a prop; she's not just an investigator that conveniently finds information and then disappears from our narrative. You destroyed a friendship brilliantly last season, but now you can't leave us hanging. Its just not right. I felt you should know that because of you, my work day has been ruined by the distraction that is this story. If you'd just given us a little more, I wouldn't have had to write this.
---
The funny thing about hallways is that no matter how long they run or how wide they spread, there never seems to be enough space. Two feet or ten, you still feel closed in. High walls or waist-high cubicles, the space is never enough.
That holds doubly true when things are uncomfortable.
In college, that morning walk of shame down your one-night stand's dorm floor lasts an eternity. If no one is around, you hurry through the corridor hoping you can escape before the walls close in; before someone sees you. If someone's already there, you desperately try to appear like this isn't the first time you've been here; like you didn't just pick up a guy at a party and aren't still wearing last nights mini-skirt.
When you head to a job interview, the path you take from the building entrance to that seat of unyielding scrutiny feels interminable. Part of you wants to run the other way and avoid ever walking through that space, the other part of you wants to forge ahead and just get there. Its never the actual interview that you dread. Its the walk.
At work, hallways, like elevators, can be the kiss of death; the pleasantries that you have to exchange with that annoying co-worker no one likes, the 'stop and update' that you can't ever really skirt with the boss that you really don't have time to get trapped talking to. Worst of all is the awkward 'slide by' with that person that you used to be friends with, but now can hardly make eye contact. Alicia hated that most of all.
And after this week, she'd come to the conclusion that Lockhart Gardner was in possession of far too many hallways, but maybe they weren't all bad.
---
Monday:
Alicia hurried through the lobby, forgetting to lift her hand in the customary wave she usually sent the security guard. She was late - really really late. Her deposition, scheduled to conclude at 5:00pm, had been delayed almost an hour and the kids were planning to meet her at the office before they went to dinner.
She was still fifteen minutes away across town when she called Zach to let him know, somewhat frantically, that she was on her way. He answered on the first ring.
"Way to be late Mom." Her son was teasing, but so distracted by the rows of traffic, she missed the inflection.
"Honey, I'm so sorry...work ran late and then the elevator took forever, traffic is a mess. I'm on my way and..."
"Mom, it's fine. Grace and I are fine. I mean we might die of starvation or dehydration or something, but we're fine." Alicia heard laughter in the background, laughter that didn't sound like Grace.
"Zach, where are you guys? You aren't bothering anyone are you?" Alicia knew that she was atypical; she had to balance a lot more life than most other lawyers at the firm. The single twenty somethings worked hundred hour weeks, leaving the office only long enough to eat and sleep The married thirty somethings worked 75 or 80 hour weeks, delegating their family time to weekends-only. The forty somethings, they were different. Aside from the partners, most forty somethings didn't last very long. They worked less hours with higher salaries and when it was time to downsize they were almost always the first to go. Alicia didn't want to be one of those lawyers. She loved her kids and they would always come first, but she loved her job too. She guessed that her teenage children's interloping, a skill they'd seemingly perfected down to a science, probably wouldn't win her any bonus points.
"Relax. We're in your office. I ran into Kalinda..."
"Kalinda?" Alicia held her breath waiting.
"Yeah, Kalinda. She was getting onto the elevator when we walked in. You didn't pick up your phone so I asked her where you were."
"Oh. And she took you to my office?"
"Yeah...
"Is she still there?"
"Yeah...she was working on a case for you, tracing an IP address, but her program kept crashing. She was on her way to IT when we ran into her. I offered to take a look at it...Mom, why are you acting weird? What's with all the questions."
Alicia didn't quite know how to answer that. Because she's the reason I kicked your father out? Because she was my best friend and she lied to me...for years? Because... she settled on "Sorry, I'm just a little...I'll be there soon. Stay out of trouble."
"You're evading," Zach teased. "Get here soon. Grace is feral these days. You never know what she may do." Alicia heard Grace's outcry in the background. "Am not jerkwad! You're the one who can't stop drooling."
"Ok, hanging up now. Try not to kill each other." Alicia's stomach flipped. Her kids were hanging out with Kalinda, which probably meant a somewhat stilted conversation in front of them. She knew if they avoided each other completely, her kids would ask questions - questions that she really wasn't ready to answer.
She parked her car in the garage and headed upstairs, steeling herself against an encounter that she didn't want to have. Business she'd found a way to navigate - eyes cold, tone empty, she and Kalinda could talk about work when they needed to. But this was different.
She stepped off the elevator and headed down the hall towards her office. Physically she kept her cool, the only sign of nervousness an indentation on her right hand where her left thumb squeezed for dear life. But inside, she was raw; angry, wary, nauseous.
It was the hallway. She hated hallways. They trapped you in a place that you couldn't escape - the only way out was to move forward and past the object of your impending circumstance.
She rounded the corner, past the large conference room to her month old office and that's when it happened.
They both stopped short.
Kalinda, computer under her right arm, notebook and phone in her left hand, was only visibly flustered for a breath before her usual look of indifference returned.
Alicia could see Grace and Zach watching them from her office, Zach more curious and more aware than his sister. She knew it was too late to just walk by. They had to acknowledge each other. Kalinda seemed to sense this so instead of speaking, she just turned back and waved to the kids, tapped Alicia on the forearm with the hand that held her phone, nodded shortly and continued to walk.
Alicia let out the breath that she hadn't realized she was holding. God she hated hallways.
---Thursday Morning:
David Lee had called to talk to her about the Cull divorce. The real one. It was horribly contentious and messy, with both parties laying claim to all of their assets. His client, Mr. Cull, had cheated on his wife throughout the duration of their five year marriage, thereby nullifying the prenuptial agreement and per the wife, forfeiting all claims to their million dollar home. From what Mr. Cull had told them however, it seemed likely that the wife had also been cheating, which, if substantiated, would even the playing field. Kalinda was on it.
Alicia was usually very good at separating her personal life from her work life - and she was getting better at it by the day. But cases like this made her wonder what would happen if she decided to divorce Peter. Would things get messy? Would they fight over everything, including the kids? What if Peter knew about Will - would that change things?
It was only 11am, but her unremitting preoccupation led to thoughts of a drink. And unfortunately for her, thoughts of a drink were almost always still followed by thoughts of Kalinda. She would never admit it out loud. And every time she even thought it, it was usually stifled by relapsed feelings of anger or betrayal. But she missed her. She missed them.
She couldn't sit and mull anymore, so she headed to Will's office, hoping for an early afternoon distraction - maybe have that quickie in his bathroom they missed out on the last time. She could use the stress relief.
Determined, and prepared to navigate around almost anything, she made her way through the long corridors and passed the rows of glass offices. She carried the Cull divorce folder with her, knowing it would act as a viable excuse for anyone wondering what she needed to see Will about. A viable excuse for almost anyone.
Still, she couldn't quite contain the faint smile playing at her lips. She was proud of how bold she'd become.
Almost to Will's office, but lost in thought, she missed the familiar figure approaching from the other side of the corridor until it was too late.
They turned into the Partners' foyer at the same time, Kalinda carrying only her notebook.
Now what?
Alicia didn't have anything legitimate to talk to Will about, but she knew she couldn't just leave. Aside from the raised eyebrows it might cause if she did, Alicia refused to give Kalinda the satisfaction of knowing that she'd won this round. Of knowing that Alicia was all talk and no resolve.
Kalinda had always been the embodiment of 'unaffected' and Alicia had every intention of matching her this time, fueled by the fire that never quite burned down.
"Sarah? Is he available?" Will's assistant noted that he was on the phone and looked at his scheduler.
"He should be in a few minutes. Do you need to see him?"
Kalinda observed suspiciously. She'd seen the Cull folder.
Alicia was all too aware that her cover wasn't going to work. Kalinda knew exactly what case this was and exactly who was working on it. But she decided to forge ahead anyway.
"Yes, its about a case. I just need to run something by him." Alicia had long figured out that her quickie wasn't going to happen. Now it was just about escaping unscathed. Without breaking her resolve. Without giving anything away.
This damn hallway was way too confining.
She glanced over at Kalinda, just barely; just to see what she'd figured out. And Kalinda was smirking. She wasn't sure what Kalinda was going to do, so she just settled on keeping her expression stony. Refusing to acknowledge that she'd given anything away.
Kalinda finally spoke, stepping closer to Alicia and the assistant's desk.
"I need to see Will about Edmunds," she paused only long enough to glance sideways at Alicia, "but I can't wait. Have him call me on my cell when he's..." another glance at Alicia, face unreadable"...available."
And with that, Kalinda turned and fled. Actually, she didn't flee. She eased away with a very annoying, very knowing swagger.
Stupid hallways.
If the hallway had just been a little bit bigger, she could have ducked out of sight or passed by unnoticed or...oh hell.
Somewhere, deep down in the recesses of her subconscious, a part of her couldn't help but laugh at the ridiculousness of the situation. Couldn't help but miss the inevitable conversation that would have followed hours later at the bar if things were better; if things were different.
---
Friday Afternoon:
Alicia didn't like to judge. She wanted to believe that she was welcoming and mostly free of bias, that no matter what she always gave people the benefit of the doubt.
But this afternoon, she was acutely aware of the fact that she had become jaded, far less trusting or forgiving and definitely of a mindset that not all people deserved a free shot.
Courtesy of Caitlin. It had been over a week. Plenty of time to generally understand how things are done. Plenty of time to gauge the personalities of the people you are in direct contact with daily and adjust your response accordingly. Plenty of time. Except that it wasn't.
Caitlin wasn't dumb; she seemed to be a mostly competent attorney, if not a little green, but then that wasn't the problem.
The hair, the laugh, the flirting, the giggling, the 'trampboarding.' All of it.
Alicia didn't like her. Caitlin managed to grate, continuously, on every single nerve she had and she found herself missing Martha; the Martha that she never really got to know. The Martha that she hand picked, who was discarded in favor of traded votes. Maybe she was predisposed - because Will had told her that she was a once a Caitlin. Because her tolerance for perky young blonds had dimmed after Peter.
But right now predisposition didn't matter - she just needed an escape.
"Caitlin, we talked about this. If you have a question on a brief, come and find me. The partners are far too busy for basic questions and until you are flying solo, that's what I'm here for."
"Oh, Alicia, I talked to Will last night and he told me it wasn't a bother. I tried to apologize and..." She was practically gushing. Alicia wanted to cringe.
"He has to say that, he's a nice boss and he doesn't want to scare you off."
"But.."
They walked side by side down to the stairs to the lower level, Alicia calling on every fiber of patience that she had. Somehow, throughout the course of office shuffling and re-shuffling, Alicia's old office remained vacant and Will had decided that was a good location for Caitlin.
Caitlin carried notes for a new case that had just been handed off to Alicia. As they navigated their way along the steps, Alicia caught sight of Kalinda holed up in the small conference room; the conference room she'd have to pass.
Here we go again. God I hate hallways.
"I'm serious Caitlin. If you are working on one of my cases, you come to me first. Everything should be researched, prepared before presenting it to Will and Diane. Their time is valuable." At that Caitlin decided to change tactics, washing Alicia with praise and apologies.
"Alicia, I'm sorry, I didn't mean to overstep. I was just..." she walked backward down the small corridor between glass offices and assistant cubicles "...I was trying to show initiative and..."
Before Caitlin could finish, Kalinda, obviously preoccupied with a message on her phone, stepped out from the conference room and they collided. Caitlin's papers dropped to the ground. Kalinda hardly noticed, glancing only briefly at Caitlin and the papers on the floor, before locking stares with Alicia.
Always so damn unflappable.
Caitlin started to sputter, rapidly and high pitched. "Oh my god, I'm so sorry. I wasn't paying attention. Alicia and I were just discussing a case and I..."
The look on Kalinda's face couldn't have expressed what Alicia thought any better.
Is this girl for real?
Alicia didn't think they'd ever get to this point, but she was actually a little bit grateful for Kalinda's accidental interruption; for Kalinda's understanding. Finally someone immune to little miss perky. Kalinda's eyes dropped down to where Caitlin was kneeling.
Grateful or not, interacting with each other didn't really get easier. Alicia stiffly made the introductions.
"Caitlin, this is Kalinda Sharma...she's our in-house." Alicia's eyes flitted to Kalinda, but Kalinda stayed focused on the girl on the ground.
"In-house?" Caitlin looked a little perplexed, shaking her head ever so slightly.
"The investigator. I helped you with the Taiwan case." Kalinda supplied the answer for her, but with a hint of mockery.
"Oh right. China One, you talked to the boyfriend and found the voice mail and you were..." Caitlin was about to babble and Alicia knew it.
"Lemme stop you right there." Kalinda's voice was smooth and calming, like she was talking to a child. "I was...great, fantastic, helpful. Fill in your preferred adjective..." she paused for effect. "...I do my job. Save your ego stroking for upstairs."
"I wasn't trying to..."
Kalinda faintly shook her head before continuing and Alicia almost smiled.
"I vetted you. I know how you operate. I know how you excel...how you get ahead. I know." It was said with the nonchalance that only Kalinda could pull off and eventually Caitlin broke eye contact and backed away.
"Umm...ok. Sorry again for bumping into you. I should probably go..."
Kalinda just smiled and shrugged. "Yeah...probably." Taking a deep breath, she lost the smile and her gaze turned back to Alicia.
Alicia, likewise, had recovered from her amusement and returned to reality. For the third time this week the two of them were trapped, alone in a hallway, unable to hide or avoid or look away.
It wasn't really any different - still awkward, still uncomfortable - but on some level it felt different. This time Alicia was able to admit to herself that she missed this. That she missed them and how they used to be. She wasn't ready to say it out loud, but consciously knowing it made things just a little bit easier.
Maybe it was time to let the anger fade.
Kalinda was the first to look away, back towards Caitlin's new office and Alicia followed her gaze.
"Watch out for that one." Kalinda's voice was softer, kinder than it had been in over a month and Alicia just nodded, unable to fully respond.
They stood in silence for a few more minutes until Kalinda finally turned and headed towards the stairs. When she'd stepped far enough away, Alicia whispered, "Thanks."
---
P.S. - After I started writing this, I found a spoiler that seriously made me SQUEE! My above letter to the Kings may need to be discarded.