Fic: Jeremy Gilbert: A Season in Review, Part 1/2
Title: Jeremy Gilbert: A Season in Review
Fandom: The Vampire Diaries
Rating: Swears & Sexytimes Mentions, PG-13
Pairing: Tyler/Jeremy, Anna/Jeremy
Words: 7539
Notes: Parody format borrowed from the lovely cleolinda and her movies in 15 minutes. Text and screencaps all mine, though.
Summary: Jeremy Gilbert: A season in review. Relive the tragedy, the drugs, the emo!pain, and the lost loves of our favorite floppy-haired younger brother.
Episode 1
In the Gilbert Residence
JEREMY: My parents, they are dead. My hair, it is spikey. I smoke weed in the forest to avoid feeeeling.
JENNA: *whistles obliviously* We should do something about…that, uh, entire…you. Your brooding isn't meshing well with my Cool Aunt Persona.
JEREMY: *pitifully stoned*
JENNA: Non-parenting is hard. :(
ELENA: I have a diary.
Outside of school
TYLER: *making out with VICKI*
JEREMY: Hey, but-I thought-*whimper*
TYLER: *still making out with VICKI*
JEREMY: *sulk*
In the men's bathroom at school
ELENA: Jeremy, I can't believe you're still smoking weed. I thought we had a talk.
JEREMY: o.O …no.
ELENA: Yes. We did. About getting rid of your unhealthy exhibitions of teenage angst and depression (because our parents are dead. Woe.) I thought I made this clear. Note to Jeremy: stop doing…that, uh, everything you do. Just-stop.
JEREMY: Back off, dude. You don't know how it feeeels.
ELENA: I can't deal with this right now. The other third of the plot is wandering about the school in a leather jacket and aviator sunglasses. We have an appointment.
[Elena stomps out of the men's room.]
JEREMY: …no one understands.
At the Grill
JEREMY: Vicki, I love you.
VICKI: *sighs* It's the eyes. So sad and puppy-like. I don't do bestiality, babe.
JEREMY: But Vicki, I love you.
VICKI: Oh my God. We were stoned, okay?
JEREMY: But I gave you my virginity. Over and over.
VICKI: Jeremy, you only had one virg-oh, forget it. None of…this *waves hand* is happening.
JEREMY: I still love you. Tyler doesn't love you like I do. All he has are pectorals. I have a dark and brooding soul. Please take me back.
[Vicki walks away.]
JEREMY: Why isn't a dark and brooding soul enough for you?! Why?
PATRONS OF THE GRILL: *look away or stare at menus*
In a forest (teenagers gather there regularly for bonfires and merry-making…or marshmallow toasting or something)
TYLER: *aggressive sex!*
VICKI: Dude, I am way too classy to have sex against this tree.
TYLER: *still douching it up* Tyler. Want. Sex. Now.
VICKI: Oh my God, seriously? I said no.
[Sheriff Jeremy, The Lone Ranger saunters in.]
JEREMY: What's going on here?
TYLER: *aggressive stare-down, sexist comment* Whatever. I don't need this shit.
[Tyler walks away, tipsy-ly.]
JEREMY: I totally saved you. See, I told you he has nothing going for him but those pecs. Love me instead.
VICKI: You have more feelings than a pubescent girl on birth control. All you bring to the table is your goddamn estrogen and slow, meaningful sex. What girl wants that?
JEREMY: I'm complex, Vicki. Like existentialism. And a Salvador Dali painting. Together.
VICKI: …I'm either too drunk or not drunk enough to be having this conversation.
[Vicki stalks away to get mauled by a "wild dog."]
JEREMY: I wrote you a poem!
Still in the forest? Next to the forest?
JEREMY: *sad eyes*
BEER: *commiserates*
ELENA: I'm sorry about your stoner girlfriend.
JEREMY: You're not helping.
ELENA: *sighs* This is all so sad. Remember that one time our parents died…
JEREMY: You're. Not. Helping.
ELENA: I have a diary.
JEREMY: I use weed and alcohol to cope with the ever-expanding and darkening abyss that is my soul. You sit in cemeteries and write in a diary. There are voice-overs. Which one of us is more adjusted again?
ELENA: This is not the point.
JEREMY: What's the point?
ELENA: That no one cares about us. They've all forgotten that our parents died, tragically.
JEREMY: Man, our lives suck.
ELENA: I know, right.
In the Gilbert Residence
JENNA: *stares uselessly from doorway*
JEREMY: I am sitting in a dark room by myself looking at a picture of my dead parents. The chipped black nail polish on my nails means I'm emo and sad. And also, that I don't know where Elena's nail polish remover is. D:
JENNA: Confronting problems from a distance really works!
[The Fray or Lifehouse or something plays in the background.]
ELENA: I have a diary.
Episode 2
In the bathroom of the Gilbert Residence
[Jenna flounces her already perfect hair into more arranged perfection in front of a mirror.]
ELENA: So, where'd Jeremy run off to so early in the morning?
JENNA: Woodshop class. You know, I think he's getting better. Less broody. Did you hear he's making birdhouses now, at school? Complete 180. Imagine that.
ELENA: … uh.
JENNA: Oh hell to the no. I should have known his sudden interest in wildlife and carpentry wasn't just another manifestation of his sensitivity and attempts at coping with tragedy.
ELENA: I don't think anyone wou-
JENNA: Damn. He's good.
Mystic Falls Hospital (where just anyone can walk in at all hours of the morning regardless of visiting times)
JEREMY: *shuffles awkwardly in the doorway*
NURSE: Yeah, you can't be here.
JEREMY: She is the love of my life. Take that stupid fucking Tyler.
NURSE: Excuse me?
JEREMY: How is she doing? :(
[Nurse fiddles with a tube. Yep, looks about right and medical, what with that legit clipboard and all.]
NURSE: Now, I'm not saying she gon die, but in my fake tv nurse medical opinion…
JEREMY: Say it isn't so! I am a magnet for death. I'm a death-magnet! Woe! Which of my loved ones will be the next to perish?!
NURSE: Aren't you supposed to be in school?
School…and the Playground, uh, the area behind school
[Jeremy opens a door dramatically and stalks over to Tyler, looking like a very muscular puppy.]
JEREMY: *wears a purple t-shirt under his short sleeve black v-neck LIKE A BAMF* TYLER!
TYLER: *sighs*
JEREMY: *bitchface* So I totally was not JUST at the hospital visiting my your our? girlfr Vicki.
TYLER: I-
JEREMY: Yeah, that's right. I fucking thought so. *continues to wear a purple t-shirt under his short sleeve black v-neck LIKE A BAMF*
TYLER: Dude, chill out.
JEREMY: If Tyler hurt Vicki, Jeremy KILL Tyler. Rwarrr.
TYLER: Whoa, now. Them's fightin' words right there. Don't make me get all physical on you.
JEREMY: *glare with a side order of RWARR*
[Cue Jeremy's dramatic exit.]
GIRL IN THE BACKGROUND: Tyler, I <3 you. You're so wonderful!
In the Gilbert Residence
JENNA: Hey, Jeremy! I'm trying this New Thing where I "parent" or whatever the adults call it these days. (Mostly, I just read What to Expect When You're Expecting…Okay, fine-I skimmed.) Anywho. It works like this: I lure you in under the promise of food, and then wehaveaconversationaboutyourfeelingsaroundthekitchenisland. Taco?
JEREMY: …
JENNA: Guacamole?
JEREMY: …no. *attempts to walk away*
JENNA: Sit down, bitch!
JEREMY: *meep*
JENNA: Now, I know that right now, I totally exude the Cool Aunt Persona without even trying, but back in my heyday, I was, like, even more of the shit. Yeah. Take a minute to wrap your inebriated brain around that one. (Also, I was quite obese from eating my weight in cheesy nachos whenever I smoked pot (which was often, really, really often)). It was so fucking glorious…not that I do it anymore, of course not. I'm a Mature Cool Aunt now, but what I'm trying to say is that I understand your need to fill the gaping void in your chest where your sunshine-and-rainbows heart used to be with the cheesy, cheesy cheese goodness of nachos or tacos or pot or whatever. And I know that I can't replace your-
[Jeremy tip-toes the fuck out of there.]
JENNA: HEY! Come back! I'm trying to be relatable!
Back in the hospital
JEREMY: *has a sweater, must be cold outside*
VICKI: Dude. This? We can't do this anymore.
JEREMY: *blinks owlishly* Do what?
VICKI: People can't know I've had sex with a boy-puppy. My brother can't know I've had sex with a boy-puppy. It's not right.
JEREMY: But Vicki! We are so meant for each other, it's as if the stars have fated us to be together. Think about it: we're both essentially parentless damaged goods with a shit load of baggage, family members who persist in caring about us even though we ignore them, and potentially severe drug and alcohol addictions! And I'm sure that now that we've passed this little hurdle i.e. your "animal attack," we can get through anything.
I envision us as senior citizens sipping iced tea at a convalescent home! By a beach! Don't you want that for us? Don't you?!
VICKI: Sure…but as soon as Tyler wants me back for real, I'm peacing out, k?
JEREMY: Anything you want, baby. Oh, and I could, like, take up gardening and write some poetry on the side. It'll be swee-et.
THEIR RELATIONSHIP: *is unhealthy*
In the Gilbert Residence
JEREMY: *comes back home stoned* :S
JENNA: Oh HELL no! *throws apple at Jeremy*
APPLE: ABUSE!
JEREMY: Lol. :D That tickles…
JENNA: What's it going to take for our conversation to get through the thick smokey stoner haze clouding your mind?
JEREMY: *hee hee* Big words, Jenna. Night night. :D
JENNA: Bitch, get back here. We're not done.
JEREMY: Sleep now. Go 'way.
At The Grill
TYLER: *pretends to be playing pool*
JEREMY: I love you, Vicki. I'm glad you're feeling better. Wow, your recovery was practically miraculous. Weird. Here, have some pain killers.
TYLER: Hands off my woman. She only does what I tell her. Bow before Tyler!
VICKI: *is an emotional rollercoaster with commitment issues* Okay…no, wait. I like Jeremy now. Like, a lot. And I'm a little less ashamed that I've been screwing a boy-puppy with sensitive eyes. Blame it on the pills.
[Vicki saunters away…in the way that people who have recently lost a lot of blood saunter away. That is, she wobbles and bumps into a table off-screen.]
JEREMY and TYLER: *we have man-tension, unresolved man-tension, glare, smirk, glare*
GRILL PATRONS: Get a room!
Later…still at The Grill
[Characters who don't usually hang out together at the same time are all gathered around a table. For some reason…]
JEREMY: OMG GUYS! Vicki's gone!
TYLER: *cough STALKER cough*
JEREMY: *cough RAPIST cough*
MATT: *nervously* Lol…what…?
JEREMY: We're in love. It's tragic. There's going to a convalescent home in our future. I don't have time to explain my delusions. They're extensive.
TYLER: Oh, please.
CAROLINE: I agree. You look…breakable and a little demented (sorry). It's highly unlikely she'd hook up with you.
ELENA: Snaps to that.
TYLER: She wouldn't want your drug dealin' ass anyways.
JEREMY: I totally lost my virginity to her over and over and over and over.
TYLER: Yeah, I don't think that's how it wo-
ELENA: Hold up. You deal drugs? I've been so preoccupied with my voice overs, I never even noticed. Oh my God, why didn't you tell me?
MATT: Wait. My sister's gone? I'm worried now because I usually keep tabs on her 24/7. We're practically glued at the hip.
TYLER: You know, I don't even know what makes you appealing. Why would Vicki want to sleep with you? What is the world coming to?
MATT: So not the issue right now.
JEREMY: It's all in the eyes, man. Sensitive, limpid pools. So deep you could drown in them.
TYLER: Really? Can I try?
JEREMY: Maybe in Season 2…
MATT: Guys…
JEREMY: SHERIFF JEREMY, THE LONE RANGER AWAY!
ELENA: Oh no, you don't.
[Super secret sibling meeting commences in the middle of The Grill.]
ELENA: I can't believe you're dealing. I'm gonna make you go to rehab, Jeremy.
JEREMY: No no no!
ELENA: Therapy then.
JEREMY: I don't have the time.
ELENA: …Jeremy.
JEREMY: *raises hands defensively* Jenna thinks I'm fine.
ELENA: No, she doesn't. She threw an apple at you.
JEREMY: She did?
ELENA: Exactly! This is what I'm talking about.
JEREMY: Okay. I'm going to do what I do in all difficult situations that make me express my festering feelings or expose a vulnerable side of my personality…
[Jeremy walks away]
ELENA: Snaps.
Time #3 at The Grill that same night (don't these kids go anywhere else?)
VICKI: *to herself* I'm fine. No really. I wasn't just repeatedly attacked by vampires who go to town on my mind just because they can. All good in the hood.
JEREMY: *now complete with 5 o'clock shadow…stares silently*
ATMOSPHERIC MUSIC: *is gentle and heartbreaking, like elevator music, but with more feeling*
TYLER: *makes out with Vicki*
JEREMY: ;__;
EVERYONE ELSE: *oblivious to Vicki's inner turmoil*
Episode 3
Weird garage area by school
JEREMY: *sits around aimlessly, presumably with other stoner kids outside of school*
VICKI: Hey, want to go to an unironically named band's concert? The Posers are playing.
JEREMY: *grumble glare insecurity!* Why don't you take Tyler instead?
VICKI: So…that's a no?
TIMBERWOLVES LOGO IN THE BACKGROUND: *foreshadowing! if you squint*
The Grill
JEREMY: *pinesssss!*
MATT: Don't take it personally. She's just plays hard to get.
JEREMY: Umm…I don’t know. She let me hit that pretty fast. (And Tyler too. *sadface*) But I still love her…
MATT: *continues to be oblivious…like all siblings in this show*
[Jeremy emerges from the dark corner of The Grill and bumps into Tyler.]
TYLER: Hell naw, bitch. You wanna start something? (Or was that just an excuse to touch me?)
JEREMY: Only if you want to man up and do something about it. I'm here, I'm que…not going away.
TYLER: Whatever. Next time your ass is mine.
JEREMY: *wistful sigh* Promises, promises.
VICKI: Did I just-never mind.
Next time (is apparently the same night? At the football game)
TYLER: *is a football player*
JEREMY: *is drunk and has an entire bottle of Jack in his hand-where does he get this shit?*
TYLER: Rwarr! I can't control myself when I see you. I get all these confusing primal urges. God-I just want to rip all your clothes off and manhandle you to the ground and fuck you. Uh, fuck you up. Yeah. That.
JEREMY: Let's go! Clearly, I'm not drunk enough to be lacking in coordination.
[Jeremy and Tyler FIIIGHT!]
TYLER: *has abs of steel*
JEREMY: *has a bloody mouth*
[Jeremy swipes a broken bottle at Tyler. Shit just got real.]
ELENA: Jeremy! What's going on? I came fashionably late even though I've been watching you this entire time. You smell funky. Oh my gosh, is that alcohol?
JEREMY: *runs away* I have issssuesss.
ELENA: OMG LIKE TOTALLY STEFAN YOUR HAND OMG!!11!1 *suspicion, obliviousness, vampires*
School bleachers
JEREMY: *looks even more like a pre-pubescent puppy than ever*
VICKI: I may just be stringing you along because your display of pure, unadulterated, and reckless machismo secretly turns me on but…I kind of maybe sort of may have liked you even when we were high. I think. I don't really remember, but you seem sad. So there. Throwing you a bone.
JEREMY: *gives the most heart wrenchingly hopeful little smile an emo boy can muster in the shadowy darkness and mystery of high school bleachers* Meep.
Episode 4
The Gilbert Residence Kitchen
JEREMY: I want you and Jenna to think that I want to sell our priceless family heirlooms on eBay in exchange for drug money because I find it difficult to express my sensitive, sentimental soooooul.
ELENA: I sort of see through your drug addict façade and realize that you really care about things, like our parents (who are dead), other than getting high. Aww.
JEREMY: I seriously don't know what you're talking about. *shifty eyes* Sensitive? Caring? Pfft.
The Grill
VICKI: Our relationship is unhealthy.
TYLER: Hmm, what? Sorry, I was thinking about banging you. (Within earshot of Jeremy. So that he'll be jealous…yeah, jealous.)
VICKI: Nothing, I guess. But speaking of banging…There's this totally lameee party going on sometime…at your house. What a coinkydink.
TYLER: Huh, that's nice.
VICKI: …that I want to go to. Invite me?
TYLER: Are you going to be putting out or what? 'Cause it's been like two whole days and no dick action, so…
VICKI: Probably.
TYLER: Awesome. Vicki Donovan, do you want to go to this lameee party with me?
VICKI: Lol. That's so sweet of you to ask. ♥
[Tyler struts away.]
JEREMY: You know he's just using you, right? It's not real.
VICKI: Whatever. What do you think I should wear?
The Gilbert Residence Front Door
[Damn. Their house is dark. Like Jeremy's soul.]
JEREMY: *opens the front door*
TYLER: Yo. *smolders*
JEREMY: Oh, hell no.
ELENA: Wait! Be nice, Jeremy. *gives Tyler old family heirloom gold box-thing* Break it and I break you.
TYLER: *to Jeremy* Jerk.
JEREMY: *overemphasized penis reference!* Dick.
ELENA: *eye-roll* Get a room.
[Elena retreats into the dark recesses of the house.]
TYLER: *suddenly cares about Jeremy's opinion and seeks his blessing…or something* So what if I told you I liked Vicki?
JEREMY: Whatever. *shuts door*
TYLER: But I can be sensitive toooo!
Jeremy's Boudoir of Secrets
JEREMY OF THE RIDICULOUSLY LONG LEGS AND DELICIOUS NECK: *sulky sulky sulk sulk*
ELENA: Why would you steal the plot device?
JEREMY: You don't need it.
ELENA: Well, I will eventually and someone else does now so…give it.
JEREMY: *grumble grumble woe dead parents daddy issues sad eyes* Fine.
ELENA: Thanks. I'm sure nothing'll happen to it, ever. You'll get it back all safe and sound and non-deadly. I swear.
PLOT DEVICE: *smirks*
Jeremy's Boudoir of Secrets Part II
[Brother and Sister Moment Number 1. Elena gives Jeremy the plot device aka "pocket watch." That's it. There's no talking. It's kind of cute.]
The Gilbert Residence Front Door Part II
JEREMY: *opens front door*
VICKI: Hey.
JEREMY: Aaand déjà-vu.
VICKI: Tyler was a dick. I'm sorry. I know this is going to be a mistake, but take me back?
JEREMY: What did I say? What have I been saying this entire time?...Wait, a mista-
VICKI: Shh. No talking now. *grabs Jeremy's face and makes out with it*
JEREMY: Mmph. Okay.
Episode 5
The Gilbert Residence Bathroom
VICKI: *brushes teeth*
ELENA: Oh wow. Jeremy's slut bucket. In mah house. Using my bathroom. Gasp.
VICKI: Oh hai. *awkward* Okey. Bai.
Jeremy's Boudoir of Sex
VICKI: Your sister totally saw me. Lol.
JEREMY: Premarital sex is, like, not really an issue compared to all the other shit I've done. You know, the whole being a drug dealer, user, dead beat, near drop-out badass. That.
VICKI: Cool. What were we talking about? Sex times now?
[Jeremy has a hot backside. Boxer-clad but still. Mmm.]
Later that night, Elena's Room
JEREMY: Why so glum, Debbie Downer?
ELENA: I'm miserable.
JEREMY: That sucks. (I'm getting laid, enjoying life, and a few remaining minutes of happiness before all hell breaks loose! :D) Why don't you go eat something? Jenna has this thing…
ELENA: *groans* The tacos?
JEREMY: Aww man, she got you too? Goddamn Jenna and her shoddy attempts at being relatable. But seriously, go downstairs. I have…stuff…I need to do here.
Jeremy's Boudoir of Drug Addiction
ELENA'S CONVENIENT BOTTLE OF DRUGSSS: Use me, abuse me. You know you want to.
JEREMY: Yeaaah, I'm all about transcending the bonds of society, rejecting patriarchy, and establishing my autonomy without the constraints of normative precedents but-
VICKI: Wait, I thought we were just getting high.
JEREMY: Yeah. No. Totally. 100% on board with that too.
VICKI: You're acting weird, Jeremy. *uses huge New Age-looking crystal to smash pills* Is it because you're a witch?
JEREMY: …
VICKI: *stoned*
The Cemetery!
JEREMY: I'm stoned.
VICKI: Me too.
STONER #3: Me…uh, eight. Seven. Clouds.
VICKI: Hey, look. I swiped these pills from some bitch.
JEREMY: Those are Elena's pills. I can't believe you would do this to me. *stomps away angrily*
VICKI: Oh my God. I feel a rich kid hissy fit coming on. Hold down the fort people. I'll be back. *wobbles after him*
STONER #1: skfskdlf….fssssfgddhsssg.
STONER #4: Yooous want brunch? Mmmmm.
While the stoners are busy discussing brunch options…
JEREMY: I can't believe you hang out with those losers.
VICKI: Are you calling me a loser?
JEREMY: No way. You're better than them. When I get my trust fund, we're gonna have such a nice life together. Old person's home remember? Iced tea?
VICKI: Aaaand we're done. If I wanted a pompous douchebag who used me for recreational purposes, I'd still be with Tyler.
JEREMY: But I didn't mean it like-
VICKI: *flounces away*
JEREMY: :(
Episode 6
The Forest
DAMON: Rwarr! *chomp*
VICKI: *becomes a vampire*
Episode 7
Halloween
VICKI: *is a vampire for five more minutes*
JEREMY: *oblivious even as Vicki's eating his face*
STEFAN: *determined*
ELENA: *wounded by bad CGI*
DAMON: *amused*
[Stefan stakes Vicki.]
JEREMY: WOE! VICKI! DDDDD:
VICKI: *is dead, well, deader*
ELENA: *still wounded*
DAMON: *still amused*
Jeremy's Boudoir O' Manpain
JEREMY: *TEARS!!!!!!!*
ELENA: It had to be done. Your girlfriend tried to kill me. Sorry. :(
JEREMY: It's because I'm a death-magnet. Everyone around me dies. Make it stop hurting, Elena. It's like I asked Santa for some feelings and he gave me too manyyyy.
[Brother and Sister Moment Number 2. Elena gives Jeremy a hug, and he cries on her shoulder. Awww.]
On the porch
STEFAN: *stares uselessly*
ELENA: Jeremy's an unfixable mess, and I don't know how to make him better.
DAMON: I do.
Jeremy's Boudoir of Things That Didn't Happen
JEREMY: Go away, Damon. I'm drowning in a pit of despair.
DAMON: H'okay kiddo. Here's how it's going to work. Vicki left town. You don't want to find her, you don't want to think about her. You will be sad for a while and then you will get over it until the next supernatural being comes along, steals your heart, and rips it out of your chest. Got it?
JEREMY: *nods blindly*
DAMON: Also, you're not gonna be a stoner anymore. And you're going to do your homework and listen to your sister and get a better haircut. And your mood-killing emo!pain will go away. Just-try to be normal. Cool?
JEREMY: I like positive feelings now!
DAMON: Awesome.
[Damon turns to leave.]
DAMON: You know what? On second thought, your best dating options in this town are probably supernatural beings and whatnot. You can take one more crack at them if you want, but if you get burned again, you stick with people (not vampires and especially not werewolves) for the rest of your life, okay?
JEREMY: This has relevance, how?
DAMON: Don't worry, young Gilbert. It will.
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