imafarmgirl
in
ndnz
The Indians Bought California
This may offend some, but I nearly wet myself laughing.
From The Bureau of Caucasion Affairs... American Natives Buy California!
United Native Americans are proud to announce that it has bought the
state of California from the whites and is throwing it open to
Indian settlement.
UNA bought California from three winos found wandering in San
Francisco. UNA decided the winos were the spokesmen for the white
people of California. These winos promptly signed the treaty, which
was written in Sioux, and sold California for three bottles of wine,
one bottle of gin, and four cases of beer.
Lehman L. Brightman, the Commissioner of Caucasion Affairs, has
announced the following new policies: The Indians hereby give the
whites four large reservations of ten acres each at the following
locations: Death Valley, The Utah Salt Flats, The Badlands of South
Dakota, and the Yukon in Alaska. These reservations shall belong to
the whites "for as long as the sun shines or the grass grows" (or
until the Indians want it back).
All land on the reservations, of course, will be held in trust for
the whites by the Bureau of Caucasion Affairs, and any white who
wants to use this land in anyway must secure permission from
Commissioner Brightman.
Of course, whites will be allowed to sell and trade their handicrafts at
stands by the highway. Each white will be provided annually with one
blanket, one pair of tennis shoes, a supply of Spam, and a copy of
The Life of Crazy Horse.
If your are competent enough, you will be able to be a BCA
reservation superintendent. Applicants must have less than one year
of education, must not speak English, must have an authoritarian
personality, proof of dishonesty, and a certificate of incompetence.
No Whites need apply.
Commissioner Brightman also announced the founding of four boarding
schools, to which white youngsters will be sent at the age of
six. "We want to take those kids far away from the backward culture
of their parents," he said. The schools will be located on Alcatraz
Island; the Florida Everglades; Point Barrow, Alaska; and Hong Kong.
All courses will be taught in Indian languages,and there will be
demerits for anyone caught speaking English. All students arriving
at the school will immediately be given IQ tests to determine their
understanding of Indian Language and hunting skills.
Hospitals will be established for the reservations as follows:
Whites at Death Valley may go to the Bangor, Maine Hospital; those
at the Utah Salt Flats may go to Juneau, Alaska Hospital; those at
the Yukon may go to the Miami Beach Hospital; and those at the
Badlands may go to the Hospital in Honolulu, Hawaii. Each hospital
will have a staff of two part-time doctors and a part-time
chiropractor who have all passed first aid tests. And each hospital
will be equipped with a scalpel, a jack knife, a saw, a modern
tourniquet, and a large bottle of aspirin.
In honor of the whites, many cities, street cars, and products will
be given traditional white names.
One famous Indian movie director has even announced that in his
upcoming film, Custer's Last Stand, he will use many actual whites
to play the parts of soldiers, speaking real English, although, of
course, the part of Custer will be played by noted Indian actor Jay
Silverheels.
Certain barbaric white customs will, of course, not be allowed.
Whites will not be allowed to practice their heathen religions, and
will be required to attend Indian ceremonies. Missionaries will be
sent from each tribe to convert the whites on the reservations.
White churches will either be made into amusement parks or museums
or will be torn down and the bricks and ornaments sold as souvenirs
and curiosities.
When you turn it around, it sounds totally impossibly rediculous, but that is what happened in a way.
A source wasn't credited but should be.
From The Bureau of Caucasion Affairs... American Natives Buy California!
United Native Americans are proud to announce that it has bought the
state of California from the whites and is throwing it open to
Indian settlement.
UNA bought California from three winos found wandering in San
Francisco. UNA decided the winos were the spokesmen for the white
people of California. These winos promptly signed the treaty, which
was written in Sioux, and sold California for three bottles of wine,
one bottle of gin, and four cases of beer.
Lehman L. Brightman, the Commissioner of Caucasion Affairs, has
announced the following new policies: The Indians hereby give the
whites four large reservations of ten acres each at the following
locations: Death Valley, The Utah Salt Flats, The Badlands of South
Dakota, and the Yukon in Alaska. These reservations shall belong to
the whites "for as long as the sun shines or the grass grows" (or
until the Indians want it back).
All land on the reservations, of course, will be held in trust for
the whites by the Bureau of Caucasion Affairs, and any white who
wants to use this land in anyway must secure permission from
Commissioner Brightman.
Of course, whites will be allowed to sell and trade their handicrafts at
stands by the highway. Each white will be provided annually with one
blanket, one pair of tennis shoes, a supply of Spam, and a copy of
The Life of Crazy Horse.
If your are competent enough, you will be able to be a BCA
reservation superintendent. Applicants must have less than one year
of education, must not speak English, must have an authoritarian
personality, proof of dishonesty, and a certificate of incompetence.
No Whites need apply.
Commissioner Brightman also announced the founding of four boarding
schools, to which white youngsters will be sent at the age of
six. "We want to take those kids far away from the backward culture
of their parents," he said. The schools will be located on Alcatraz
Island; the Florida Everglades; Point Barrow, Alaska; and Hong Kong.
All courses will be taught in Indian languages,and there will be
demerits for anyone caught speaking English. All students arriving
at the school will immediately be given IQ tests to determine their
understanding of Indian Language and hunting skills.
Hospitals will be established for the reservations as follows:
Whites at Death Valley may go to the Bangor, Maine Hospital; those
at the Utah Salt Flats may go to Juneau, Alaska Hospital; those at
the Yukon may go to the Miami Beach Hospital; and those at the
Badlands may go to the Hospital in Honolulu, Hawaii. Each hospital
will have a staff of two part-time doctors and a part-time
chiropractor who have all passed first aid tests. And each hospital
will be equipped with a scalpel, a jack knife, a saw, a modern
tourniquet, and a large bottle of aspirin.
In honor of the whites, many cities, street cars, and products will
be given traditional white names.
One famous Indian movie director has even announced that in his
upcoming film, Custer's Last Stand, he will use many actual whites
to play the parts of soldiers, speaking real English, although, of
course, the part of Custer will be played by noted Indian actor Jay
Silverheels.
Certain barbaric white customs will, of course, not be allowed.
Whites will not be allowed to practice their heathen religions, and
will be required to attend Indian ceremonies. Missionaries will be
sent from each tribe to convert the whites on the reservations.
White churches will either be made into amusement parks or museums
or will be torn down and the bricks and ornaments sold as souvenirs
and curiosities.
When you turn it around, it sounds totally impossibly rediculous, but that is what happened in a way.
A source wasn't credited but should be.