Comments | natural_blue_26: Fic: 'Begining at the End'

natural_blue_26

Fic: 'Begining at the End'

Nov 02, 2011 04:03

For the lovely, prompt-y rattyjolas a (slightly) delayed fill from here at commentfic.

Also, writing from a kid's perspective is HARD. Hope it works for you! My head!canon Jordan is handles strong emotions like Rachel does- and has a world of resentment over being left behind aka is the anger stage of grief like woah.

( Small birds winged high in the sky overhead above the trees, but there were no eagles of any kind among them, let alone one that was waiting to swoop down, demorph, toss her golden hair over her shoulders and laugh at the whole thing like it was some huge joke she had played on us all. )

character: jordon, fandom: animorphs, character: sara, character: rachel, fanfiction

Comments 5

amusesme November 4 2011, 20:11:27 UTC

I will always love your Jordan fics. She's such an interesting and underdeveloped character. You capture her voice beautifully. The length is perfect too. It gives you just a taste of the heart ache, paints the scene for you, and then leaves you.

My favorite bits:

There was a gaping hole in my bleeding heart no surgeon would ever be able to diagnose, much less fix.

Rachel’s body, her empty shell, her discarded, broken doll physical form had been recovered floating like last week’s garbage in outer space This is a very haunting image. Space itself is so bleak and cold, and to imagine a corpse floating out there... seriously gives me shivers.

I had hoped-but not anymore. The rhythm of this phrase was placed perfectly.

...toss her golden hair over her shoulders... Lovely image. It's so quintessentially Rachel.

My cousin Jake didn’t say anything at all. He just stood there and looked at me and hurt. Ugh, I can't get over this. It's so fitting, but it also breaks my heart a little. I love that you didn't over explain. You just said ( ... )

natural_blue_26 November 5 2011, 07:02:44 UTC

Oops. Second part was supposed to be from Sara's perspective. Obviously I need to go back and clarify that. *head desk*

BUT

YOUR REVIEWS ARE SERIOUSLY ALWAYS THE BESTEST KIND MELS ♥ ♥ ♥ So glad you like it!

Ugh, I can't get over this. It's so fitting, but it also breaks my heart a little. I love that you didn't over explain. You just said he looked at Jordan and hurt. Perfection.

Um, yes. Kid!Sara's perspective on Jake obviously needs a bit of tweaking here... *ponders*

amusesme November 5 2011, 18:09:09 UTC

Re-reading the ending just now I realized that you wrote "Jordan cried angry tears" but for some reason that translated into "Sara" when I first read it. Even my memory of that line was "Sara" and not "Jordan." My fault. I guess I just got stuck in an idea and my brain wouldn't let it go. NOT YOUR FAULT I AM SLIGHTLY DUMB.

I think the last bit does read like a child. Mentioning her goldfish dying seems like a very child-like reaction to something as huge as your sister passing away. It makes more sense now that I realize it's Sara narrating.

KUDOS!! I LOVE IT!

a_happy_book November 5 2011, 00:29:46 UTC

BRBBAWLING.
And this gave me the boost for restarting JordanBerensenisabadass fics XP

But seriously this is gorgeous.

In my head Jordan was 15 when the war ended

natural_blue_26 November 5 2011, 01:58:27 UTC

Awwwww thanks! AND THERE CAN NEVER BE TOO MUCH FIC PROMOTING THAT ALL WOMEN IN RACHEL'S FAMILY KICKASS!

If fandom wasn't of a hive mind that the Anis were 16 when the war ended, I would totally agree with you.