Fic: Aftermath, Remus/Sirius
So the post-Hogwarts team won the first round of the rs_games ::grin:: It's nothing of course, the taking part is what counts not the winning. ::earnest nod:: Never mind the shiny trophy on the mantel. Pay no attention to the bighugegrin. 'S nothin' I tell ya! Nothin!
::smiles quietly to self::
Right. So. I'm reposting my fic here, since the reveals are up and all.
Title: Aftermath
Rating: PG-13
Disclaimer: I didn't make them up. I wish I did but I didn't. I do get to play with them sometimes though, and I say 'play' because I don't get any money out of it so it cannot in any way be described as 'work'.
Warnings: only the angst and maybe some swearing
Summary: After Voldermort attacks the Potters. Remus reaches the house at the same time as Sirius.
Prompt: broken picture-frame
Genre(s): AU, angst
They were standing across from each other, a few feet apart, in the debris that was their best friends' house, one at the door, the other in front of James’ body.
They both had their wands pointed at each other, fierce and protective even as they lost everything.
"How did you know to betray them?" Sirius demanded, voice shaking with anger, "Did Peter tell you? Did you kill him too?"
Remus snarled in response, feral in his rage. He caught sight of James again, eyes sightless, too still for a person so full of energy and his snarl choked on a sob.
"It wasn't me," he said. "How can you ask me that when you...you were the secret keeper?"
The question seemed enough to provoke Sirius into action, a jet of red flying from his wand to crash into the wall behind Remus. The crash of the plaster falling managed to disturb the sole living occupant of the house. Frantic cries were heard from Harry's room and both Sirius and Remus scrambled up the stairs in a mad dash to get to Harry before the traitor did.
Sirius got there first and cradled a crying Harry with one arm, the other aiming the wand at Remus.
"He's only a boy," Remus begged, "Please, just give him to me. You won't see us again, I promise."
"What the hell are you on about, Lupin?" Sirius demanded.
"Don't hurt Harry, please."
"Why would I...You're the one who..."
They both stared at each other, Harry's cries loud in the sudden silence.
"It wasn't you," Remus whispered.
"Peter. It was Peter."
"We need to tell Dumbledore," Remus said.
"We need to kill the rat," Sirius snapped.
He was down the stairs and half way out the door before Remus reached him. He grabbed Sirius’ arm, quickly releasing it as he was met with a snarl and a curse.
"Sirius, you can't take Harry with you!"
Sirius stopped and cradled Harry closer. The boy was quiet now but his hands were gripping Sirius’ jacket tightly and he was trembling.
"Harry? It's okay, it's just Uncle Sirius," he said softly. The gentle way he talked to his godson was in direct contrast with the hard, angry edge in his eyes.
Remus reached out to touch Harry but Sirius stepped back, hugging the boy with both arms now. He kept a steady stream of reassuring words, all the while glaring at Remus.
"We need to take him somewhere safe," Remus said.
Sirius nodded.
"I can't take him to my flat. If everyone thinks I was the secret keeper they're going to look for me there," he said. "I need to find Dumbledore first. Let him know there was a change."
The pronoun change wasn't lost on Remus. Still, he wasn't about to leave Harry. Not when he loved him like a nephew. Not when he was the last thing left from Lily and James.
"We could take him to my place. Nobody would look for you there."
"No," Sirius immediately responded, taking a step away.
"Sirius..."
"No. I'm taking him to Dumbledore. He'll be safe with the old man. Then I can kill the fucking bastard rat."
He stalked towards the bike, Remus right behind him.
"You can't drive with Harry in your arms, Sirius. Look, I'll sit in the sidecar, I can hold him."
"No."
This time the denial was accompanied by a snarl.
"Well I can't very well drive the sodding machine can I?" Remus snarled right back. "You wouldn't trust me not to lead you straight to Voldermort!"
They stood there, glaring at each other until Harry once more broke the impasse. Wide green eyes were focused on the wreck of his home, quickly filling with tears.
"Mummy?" he whimpered.
"Oh God," Remus breathed, closing his eyes for a moment to gather his strength. He opened them to see Sirius, deathly pale and unable to answer an increasingly agitated Harry.
"Mummy's not here," Remus said softly, "Don't you want to go see Mr Dumbledore? Remember him, Harry?" The boy had turned to face him now, away from the charred remains of the house. "He gave you sweets and let you tug on his beard."
Harry nodded hesitantly.
"See? Maybe this time he'll let you pet Fawkes."
"’kay," Harry said, distracted by the idea of touching the phoenix.
"Good boy."
When Remus allowed his attention to shift away from Harry he found his gaze drawn to the house. For a few moments it was a struggle to keep his composure. If he allowed himself to think of James, broken in the kitchen and Lily, lying in front of Harry's crib, he would sit down on the ground and just never get up.
"I want your wand."
Maybe they could salvage their own friendship out of this, Remus thought, hope near dead as he handed over his wand to Sirius. Nobody could hold Harry like that and mean him harm. If only Sirius could see that in Remus.
The trip to Hogwarts was made in silence. Remus held Harry close and concentrated on keeping himself together. He glanced at Sirius from time to time, sideways, discreet looks to make sure he was okay. Five minutes into the journey he could see tears streaming silently down Sirius’ face. He reached out to touch his friend's shoulder. Sirius caught the movement and glared at him with such ferocity that Remus couldn't complete the movement. He returned his hand to Harry's back, holding the boy more securely against him.
Once they landed on Hogwarts grounds, Sirius practically threw Remus’ wand at him and snatched Harry out of his arms.
"Sirius, you can't..."
"Let's go, Lupin."
He followed Sirius up the steps and to Dumbledore's office, silent and watchful. No students dared to stop them but Death Eaters were everywhere these days and Sirius was an easy target in his grief.
"Is it true?"
Remus had his wand drawn and a curse on his lips as he turned to face his questioner.
"Are they dead?" McGonagall asked again. It was the first time Remus had ever seen her shake. She was as calm and soothing in her own way as Dumbledore and to see her visibly try to hold back tears nearly broke Remus’ own control.
He nodded and turned to catch up to Sirius.
"Harry?"
The despair in her voice stopped him.
"Sirius has him. We're going to Dumbledore."
"Sirius! But he was-"
"It was Peter."
Remus couldn't hold back the snarl as he uttered the traitor's name. Without another word he stalked after Sirius. He was conscious of McGonagall following him, could hear her get her breathing calm again.
When they walked into Dumbledore's office they stepped into the middle of chaos. Dumbledore looked as angry as Remus had ever seen him, Sirius was screaming to take anyone's head off and Harry was sitting on the floor, crying and yelling for his mother. Remus immediately moved to Harry, picked him up and tried to soothe him.
"Will the both of you stop acting like children and consider the actual child in the room," McGonagall snapped.
Suddenly the only noise in the room was Harry's cries and Remus murmuring to him. Once again, Sirius snatched Harry away from him. The boy immediately wrapped his arms around Sirius' neck and hid his face in his godfather's shirt.
"I'm sorry, poppet," Sirius whispered, head bent close to Harry's ear, "I wasn't mad at you I promise. And I won't let you be taken to those people."
The last was said with a venomous glare towards Dumbledore.
"What people?" Remus asked, looking from one man to the other. Dumbledore was still visibly tense and, while Sirius kept his body relaxed in deference to the child in his arms, his eyes clearly expressed his anger.
"He wants us to hand Harry over to Petunia."
For the first time since they met at the Potters' house, Sirius looked at Remus with something bordering on comradeship.
"No," Remus immediately responded, low and resolute.
"Remus, surely," Dumbledore begun to explain whatever reasons he had for giving Harry to those people but Remus didn't allow him to continue.
"I'm sorry, but no. She hates magic and everything associated with it. Harry has already shown his first signs of magic!"
"That's what I said," Sirius put in.
"My boys, you must understand..."
"No, we mustn't. Lily made her wishes clear," Remus kept his voice as calm as he possibly could but he could hear fine tremors make their way through, "and she also made clear that Harry was not to go to her family."
"Sirius is under suspicion," Dumbledore tried again, "the Ministry won't allow him to keep the child."
"The suspicions will be lifted as soon as the goddamn traitor is arrested," Sirius snarled. "So get the word out that it's Pettigrew before he escapes the country!"
"I sent out Hera while you were arguing."
McGonagall’s calm voice had the effect of a glacier passing by too close to a ship. Everyone stopped and stared at her. Even Harry turned to see what everyone else was looking at.
"Mr Shacklebolt should be informing his superiors any moment now, and the Weasleys are spreading the news through the Order."
"Thank you."
It was Remus who had spoken, over Sirius’ tight nod and Dumbledore's tired sigh.
"I apologise," Dumbledore said, one hand rubbing at his face. Remus had never seen him so sombre before. Even in the middle of battle Dumbledore had a spring in his step and a twinkle in his eye. He saw Sirius draw breath, probably to lambaste the man and quickly spoke up to avoid another argument and more tears from Harry.
"We must find a place for Harry to stay safe, until Peter is captured and the Death Eaters are rounded up."
Dumbledore nodded.
"Perhaps your ancestral home, Sirius?"
Remus flinched and prepared himself to grab Harry once Sirius started screaming again. Instead of the expected explosion though, Sirius’ anger was quiet. He was still holding Harry, petting his godson's hair in an effort to calm him down.
"Mother still lives there. She would turn us over to the Death Eaters the moment she saw us."
"We could use the cottage," Remus suggested.
"No."
"Sirius, come on."
"I said no, Lupin."
Great. They were back to 'Lupin' now.
"The cottage would be safe," Dumbledore noted, "It is not common knowledge that you were allowed to inherit."
Remus managed to repress the flinch at the casual reference to his mother's death.
"My mother was a muggle, sir. The muggle authorities saw no reason not to follow her will."
So intent was he on not betraying any emotion he didn't realise that Sirius had come to stand next to him until he felt a hand settle on his shoulder.
"I didn't know," Sirius said quietly.
Remus shrugged the hand off. Sirius didn't know because he'd thought Remus was the traitor. Sirius didn't know because he’d moved out of their flat without a word. Remus ruthlessly stomped on the glimmer of resentment he could feel growing in his chest. Now wasn't the time for accusations and anger. They had to keep Harry safe.
"We could make it unplottable and move right in sir," he said, addressing Dumbledore. The fidelius was not an option he cared to discuss. "Peter never came to visit there so he doesn't know where it is. If we keep inside we should be safe enough. You and Sirius can take Harry there, stock up the pantry. I'll go back to Jam...to the house and get Harry's things. He'll want something familiar with him when he wakes up."
He waited for Sirius to object but the only thing he said was a quiet okay. Once Dumbledore nodded his own consent, Remus stalked out of the room. He could walk down to Hogsmeade and apparate from there. If nothing else, the walk would give him time to further entrench his control.
* * *
Remus stood outside the house for fifteen minutes, just staring at it. It didn't seem too bad from the outside. The front was pretty much untouched. As long as he stood there he could pretend that he would walk through the door and see Lily scolding James for giving Harry too much chocolate. Sirius would be sitting on the couch, laughing at James’ pout which would rival Harry's own and none of them would tense when he walked in.
Lily had been the only one not to suspect him, he realised now. She had never been good at hiding her anger or upset. If she had thought he was about to betray them, she wouldn't have welcomed him with open arms every time he visited.
James and Sirius then. They had believed the poison Peter had poured into their ears. And now he'd lost them all.
He shook his head to clear the thoughts away and rubbed at his dry eyes. He couldn't break down yet. He had to get Harry's things quickly, before someone thought to come here. He rushed through the kitchen, where James’ body had been and up the stairs. McGonagall had already had the Order move the bodies but he still couldn't bear to see.
Remus stopped in the spare room first, where Lily kept their luggage and grabbed the biggest bag he could find. Once inside the nursery, he couldn't avoid looking at the space in front of Harry's cot. Lily had been lying there dead, while Sirius and Remus fought over Harry's safety.
Another deep breath to hold himself together, this one somehow ending in a dry sob.
Harry's things. He had to get Harry's things.
Remus took everything he could find, clothes, toys, diapers and medicine. He hardly looked at what he was taking, just grabbed things and pushed it all in the suitcase. He made to leave when something caught his eye. Laying half under the cot was Harry's stuffed wolf. The one Sirius had given him so that he wouldn't be afraid of Uncle Moony. Harry loved that toy, Remus thought and he kneeled on the floor to take it.
As his knees hit the ground a sharp pain throbbed in his right knee. He immediately stood up again, Moony in hand, and found himself staring down at a broken picture frame. It was one of those multiple frame things, with three photographs fitting in one big frame. There was Sirius and him, laughing while Harry zoomed around them on his toy broom. There were all four of them, the Marauders, looking utterly besotted by a tiny baby held in James’ arms. There was Lily and James, smiling at the camera and holding up their son on his birthday.
He hesitated a moment before he grabbed the frame and shoved it into the suitcase along with Moony. He walked briskly outside, over the non-apparation zone that was one more measure that had failed to protect his friends and apparated to the cottage.
* * *
Remus landed in the garden and stalked inside to find Sirius steel-eyed and dangerous, aiming a wand at him. Once Sirius saw him he lowered the wand.
"Diagnostics, Sirius," Remus said in a tired tone. It was a wonder Sirius wasn't dead by now, the way he always trusted people were who they appeared to be.
"Shut up, Remus. Dumbledore set the wards so only the three of us could get in," came the equally tired reply.
"Where's Harry?"
"Asleep in the spare room. He wanted Lily," Sirius replied. He slumped on the couch and hid his face in his hands for a moment. "I had to tell him she wasn't coming back," he continued, barely audible.
Remus stood where he landed, one hand holding the suitcase, the other wrapped around Moony. He closed his eyes, reminded himself that he had to be strong and exhaled slowly.
"I'll go unpack this. It might help if he woke up with some familiar things around."
He left the room before Sirius could say anything more. He practically ran to the spare room, only to stop at the door and stare inside. The corridor light shone on Harry's tear-stained cheeks and Remus couldn't tear his eyes away. Harry whimpered and moved restlessly, reaching out for something.
"I have your Moony, Harry," Remus whispered. He finally stepped into the room, leaving the suitcase next to the door. He put the stuffed wolf next to Harry and the boy immediately latched on, dragging Moony to his chest. Remus gently wiped a fresh tear from Harry's cheek. They were supposed to take care of him now. He and Sirius, solely in charge of Harry.
Remus walked out of the room, determined to talk to Sirius. They had to deal with all the tension between them. Harry had enough to deal with without having his guardians quietly resent each other. They would talk and Remus would demand to know why Sirius suspected him and after one of their rare fights, things would go back to relative normalcy. Then they could concentrate on taking care of Harry.
His plans were torn to pieces before he even made it back to the living-room. He was still in the corridor when a smothered sob caught his ear. For what felt like the millionth time in the day, Remus pushed down on his feelings.
Sirius was still sitting on the couch, angrily wiping his eyes.
"I can't stop," he said once he saw Remus, "I keep telling myself to stop but I can't stop."
The sight of Sirius in tears was as rare as it was disturbing. Sirius had never had the handle on his emotions the rest of them did. Remus thought it may have been a childhood forced to show nothing but polite indifference. For whatever reason, outside his mother's presence Sirius simply couldn't keep a lid on them. He was quick to show his anger and quick to apologise. He laughed and screamed and vented with every opportunity. He rarely felt grief though.
The last time Remus had seen Sirius cry was weeks after he'd sent Snape to the Shrieking Shack. Sirius had been remorseful and depressed, walking around with empty eyes and trembling hands. Remus had managed to harden his heart at the pathetic mess Sirius had become until he'd come across him hiding in the toilets, crying his eyes out. Sirius had been grieving their lost friendship and Remus couldn't hold firm against such a torrent of sadness. Things hadn't been the same after that but they'd been as close to it as they could get.
And now Sirius was looking up at him, visibly trying to keep himself together. Visibly failing. Remus’ anger dispersed. He sat next to Sirius and pulled him into his arms. After a moment Sirius relaxed into his embrace, his arms gripping the back of Remus’ shirt.
"I'm so sorry," Sirius spoke between shuddering breaths. “I’m so stupid. I thought it was you and now they’re dead and it’s my fault. I’m so sorry, Remus.”
Remus kept his arms around Sirius, dry-eyed and quiet. You had to let Sirius get it out of his system. Once he’d done that, he’d go back to relative normalcy. Remus envied him this ability to feel things to the fullest and then just let them go. He held Sirius as the man grieved and all the while he kept himself so tightly in control he thought he might snap in two from the tension of it.
The sobs faded soon enough and Sirius excused himself, stammering in his embarrassment. Remus sighed and rubbed his temples. He got up to check on Harry. The boy was still sleeping, a little calmer now that he had Moony in a chokehold. Glancing uneasily at the bathroom door, Remus stepped further into the room and began to unpack the suitcase. He put Harry’s clothes in the armoire and spread the toys around the room so they could be easily reachable.
When he reached the frame he stood staring once more. He wanted to burn Peter’s face off the picture. Wanted to tear Sirius into little pieces and push James and Lily in a drawer where he wouldn’t have to look at them and remember. He went so far as to point his wand at the picture but then Harry muttered something in his sleep and instead of incendio he found himself casting reparo.
***
“We should talk.”
Remus startled at the sudden noise. The cup dropped from his hands and shattered on the floor.
“Reparo,” Sirius said and there was the mug lying on its side where its biggest piece had fallen.
“I didn’t hear you.”
“I figured.”
They’d been walking on eggshells around each other for the past week. The brief surge of courage that had led Remus from Harry’s room to talk to Sirius about the whole situation had waned. Both of them had kept their focus on Harry and tried to ignore the mounting tension between them.
Any opportunities to talk had been few and far between even had they wanted to. Harry wouldn’t let either one of them out of his sight. If Remus or Sirius were gone for more than a minute or two he would search the cottage, yelling out their names until he found them. Those were the only words Harry would utter, their names screamed out when he couldn’t see them. This near silence from Harry, who could talk your ear off with his baby talk, was harder to take than any amount of tears and tantrums.
“Where’s Harry?”
“Asleep.”
Remus nodded. He picked up the mug from the floor and placed it in the sink.
“I really am sorry, Remus. I shouldn’t...” Sirius paused and ran a hand through his hair, staring out the window. Remus didn’t say anything and then Sirius was looking at him again. “I shouldn’t have believed him.”
“No, you shouldn’t have,” he said calmly.
“Remus...”
“He tried to get me to think it was you,” Remus said, ignoring Sirius’ attempt to speak. “He said you would do anything to save your brother, even if it meant betraying your friends.”
“I would never do that!”
Remus looked at him then, steady and earnest.
“I know.”
He watched Sirius’ face slowly crumple. No tears this time, just sheer desperation and guilt.
“I went to Lily and talked it over. I didn’t want to tell James, he loved you so much I couldn’t say that to him. Do you know what she said?”
Sirius slowly shook his head.
“She said that you were more likely to tie Regulus to a chair and scream at him until he agreed to go into hiding,” Remus smiled sadly as he repeated Lily’s words. She’d been so amused by the mere suggestion that Sirius would do something so sneaky.
“She said that?”
“She knew you.”
Silence descended once more, awkward and heavy, between them.
“He saw you with Greyback.”
No need to ask who ‘he’ was.
“Did he?” Remus asked mildly.
They were standing on opposite sides of the kitchen, looking at each other over the table that still held the remains of Harry’s dinner.
“He showed me the memory. I hadn’t believed him until then. I couldn’t believe that you would do that to us. To me.”
Sirius stepped forward, his hand twitching as if fighting the urge to reach towards Remus. Remus shook his head and stepped back. He couldn’t touch Sirius now. Not while they were talking about this.
“I was trying to get information out of him.”
Sirius nodded as if that made perfect sense. Of course it did, Remus thought, it was the truth.
“He said you needed Greyback’s acceptance. That the wolf needed his pack and we weren’t a good enough substitute anymore.”
“Sirius,” Remus snapped, disapproval and anger in his voice. Just like when Sirius and James did something stupid at school.
“I’m sorry,” Sirius apologised again. “He just....the memory and then you disappeared.”
“My mother had died!”
“You didn’t tell me!”
It was Sirius’ turn to sound angry.
“She got sick so suddenly,” Remus murmured, gaze dropping to the floor. “It was after a mission and I rushed straight here and then...” he paused. Even now he couldn’t say the words. “I couldn’t handle anyone knowing,” he said instead.
“I know.”
The stupid thing was, Sirius probably did know. They knew each other better than anyone. Remus knew Sirius needed to yell and scream and cry before calming down and Sirius knew Remus couldn’t deal with emotional confrontations.
“Did James...”
Harry’s cries interrupted him. The boy had woken up and was screaming for his uncles.
“No.” Sirius said, pausing in the doorway. “I talked to him about it but he never believed it. He...he kept asking for more proof.”
With that he was gone, leaving Remus to stare at the empty doorway and try to wrap his mind around their conversation.
***
The day after the full moon Remus came back to the cottage to find Sirius and Harry asleep on the couch. The moment he stepped through the door Sirius had his eyes open and his wand out, one hand curling protectively around the sleeping Harry.
“You’re okay?” he asked, relaxing back into the couch.
“As I can be after the full,” Remus replied. He looked at Harry then at Sirius, a question clear in his eyes.
“He couldn’t find you and he panicked,” Sirius said quietly, “He cried himself to sleep, staring at the fireplace.”
“Fuck.”
Remus closed his eyes and ran a hand through his hair.
“Fuck,” he repeated.
“Yeah,” Sirius sighed.
Stepping closer to the couch, Remus reached down and gently tucked a wayward strand of hair behind Harry’s ear. The touch awakened Harry, who promptly latched onto Remus and didn’t let go for the rest of the day.
***
It took a few days for Harry to relax enough to sleep in his own room without Remus or Sirius there. The very day that happened, Sirius resumed their talk, as if they’d only just been interrupted. He sat down across from Remus and stared at him until he was forced to look up from his book.
“I should have known it was all wrong when you dumped me.”
“Bloody Gryffindor,” Remus muttered into his book.
Only Sirius would embrace their House’s characteristics so wholeheartedly. Even James had baulked at some things, like asking Lily out or facing Dumbledore’s rare but fierce wrath. Sirius had played pranks right under McGonagall's sharp eyes. Sirius had declared himself gay in the middle of the common room, daring anyone to take offence. He’d then proceeded to ask out anyone who caught his fancy with wilful disregard for all rules as well as possible rejection.
Sirius steamrolled through life with the same determination that Remus sidled through it.
“If you were a traitor you’d hardly dump the secret keeper,” Sirius went on, “I was stupid and I’m sorry.”
“Sirius...”
“No, I am. I’m not saying you have to forgive me. Or even like me again. It just made so much sense at the time,” he insisted, frowning his confusion.
“Yes, well, Peter learned from the best,” Remus said dryly.
“Voldermort?” If anything, Sirius sounded even more bewildered.
“You and James.”
Even saying his name hurt.
“James and I never betrayed anyone,” Sirius snapped. “James never did,” he amended closing his eyes for a moment.
“I meant that you could both take something completely illogical and make it sound reasonable,” Remus said gently.
“Oh.”
The silence stretched for a while.
“I’m still sorry.”
“I know.”
Remus laid his book on the coffee table. He knew the question he wanted to ask. He was just so damn scared of the answer.
“Did you...” he gathered every bit of Gryffindor courage he had and, after a deep breath, he blurted it out. “Was it because of the wolf?”
“No!” The answer was immediate and loud. Sirius looked so shocked that even the small self-loathing part of Remus’ soul had to believe him.
“No,” Sirius repeated more quietly, with an uneasy glance towards Harry’s room. No cries were heard and he turned back to Remus.
“It had to be one of us,” he explained. “I knew...Regulus was trying to leave them by then. Lily was right, I wanted to tie him to a chair and scream at him until he agreed to hide," he said, a sad smile on his lips. "He found me and told me things. Things that the Death Eaters knew when they shouldn’t have. It had to be one of us.”
Even talking about it now, his voice rose higher and his breathing quickened.
Remus nodded. He knew Sirius, he could understand the sheer panic the mere thought must have caused. Better to suspect his parents than to even contemplate that one of the Marauders could go bad.
“It couldn’t be me or James,” Sirius continued, speaking a little faster “It had to be you or Peter. I didn’t want it to be you.”
Sirius was looking at him, eyes wide, desperation shining through.
“I didn’t want it to be you," he repeated, "but how could it be Peter? He’s so...he never takes risks or makes grand plans. He has all the imagination in the world but…we had to talk him into all of our pranks! We had to talk him into asking girls out! How could it be Peter?”
There was nothing Remus could say to that so he just stayed quiet.
“I’m sorry.”
“It’s okay,” Remus said.
“No. It’s not.”
There was sadness in Sirius’ voice, and guilt. He stared at Remus, letting him see his shame.
“It will be,” Remus insisted just as Harry woke up and demanded to see them.
The next few hours were spent taking care of Harry. Babysitting every once in a while hadn’t prepared them for full-time caring for a traumatised boy. Remus was absolutely terrified they would somehow damage him.
While Harry had quickly gone back to his semi-clingy state, Remus still hadn’t gotten over the consequences of his disappearance during the full moon. He was sure that the too-slowly dissipating tension between him and Sirius wasn’t helping Harry relax back into even a semblance of normalcy.
As a result, Remus was overprotective and over affectionate, nearly smothering Harry in his attempt to show him that he was surrounded by people who loved him. Sirius wasn’t far behind, Remus noted, guilt probably weighing him down even more than Remus.
They had to fix things, Remus knew that. So after Harry was asleep and the dishes were washed, he went into the living room, intent on continuing their discussion. Sirius was sitting in front of the fireplace, polishing his boots. Remus watched him for a while, the methodical movements across the leather almost hypnotising.
“I didn’t dump you, you know.”
Sirius looked up, startled by the sudden noise.
“What?”
“I didn’t dump you,” Remus repeated.
“Yes, you did.”
“No, I didn’t.”
“Remus, you went out on a mission and never came back. I sent you owls and you never replied. I’m pretty sure that counts as dumping me.”
“I went out on a mission, I got injured, my mother got sick and by the time I came back you were looking at me as if I was the enemy.”
“You got injured?” Sirius frowned, looking him over as if he could spot what the injury was.
“It wasn’t serious," Remus waved the concern away. "I came back and you were out of the flat. Peter said you were seeing someone else.”
“‘Peter said’.”
Remus nodded, a bitter smile twisting his lips.
“Funny how we all believed him. He said you didn’t want to talk about it so I didn’t talk about it. I behaved exactly like he knew I would. Wallowed in my misery and avoided any confrontation.”
“You never left me.”
“No more than you were seeing someone else.”
“Okay.”
Just like that the tension faded a little more.
****
It was three weeks since the Potters had died and Remus was once more staring at the picture frame. Peter was hiding behind the frame, only his shoulder visible just inside the picture. The rest of them kept glancing at each other, then at Remus, bright-eyed and showing off the newborn.
Every time he looked at the picture, Remus wanted to scream at them to shut up, to rail and snarl until they were all hiding in the frame. They were so damn happy and Peter was just there. And even in the picture Peter knew, the bastard knew what he was planning and still he’d stood there and looked at Harry like he deserved to even stand near him.
But then, Harry would stumble in, still uncertain of his balance as he walked. Or he’d wake up and look up at Remus, trusting and needy. How could Remus be anything but there for Harry? So he swallowed all the rage and pain as he always did and took care of Harry instead.
Despite the undercurrents to every conversation they had, Sirius was a welcome distraction from both the maelstrom of emotions and the fear that they would somehow ruin Harry. In between talking about what had happened they discussed mundane things like whose turn it was to cook and how good the book Remus was reading was. Simple things that kept Remus sane for a little while longer.
Remus kept going as he did, ignoring Sirius’ concerned looks and the increasing amount of time he needed to get up in the morning. He just had to keep pretending things were normal and eventually they would be.
He managed to go on for another week before it all fell apart. Sirius was putting Harry to sleep, with Remus watching from the doorway. He’d gotten into the habit of following Sirius and Harry with his eyes, catching all the peaceful scenes he could, using them to shore up the chaos he was carrying around.
Harry had just gone to sleep and Sirius turned to grin at him, obviously proud of sticking to the one-bedtime-story rule. Remus saw what happened in slow-motion. Sirius’ wand, stuck in his back pocket, nudged the frame on Harry’s bedside table. The frame wobbled and, before Remus could utter a warning, toppled over.
“You broke it,” Remus whispered.
He barely saw Sirius’ widened eyes, didn’t even notice the quick spell Sirius cast on Harry’s bed.
“You broke it,” he said again, louder this time.
“We can fix it, Rem.”
“No we can’t. I already fixed it once. You can’t just keep fixing things!” Remus yelled, distraught. “I already fixed it once,” he repeated and kneeled to pick up the pieces. Peter was cowering in the corner and the rest of them were looking at the traitor in confusion. Of course, they hadn’t known about his betrayal back then. They were happy.
“We were happy.”
Remus’ breath was coming faster now. He could see Harry sleeping easily in his bed and a small part of him thanked the heavens that Sirius thought to cast a silencing spell on it. He tried to calm down again but the sight of the broken frame kept driving his pulse up. He drew in breath but the air got lodged in his throat.
He could feel Sirius’ hand on his shoulder, pulling him slowly into an embrace.
"How could he?" he demanded, angrily shoving the hand back. "We were happy."
"I don't know Remus, please, just…"
"And you believed him," Remus went on, unable to stop himself from screaming at Sirius. "You bastard, I loved you and you believed his lies and you left me alone. She'd died and there was no one with me because you believed him."
"I'm sorry, I…"
"You should be sorry, you bastard," Remus talked over Sirius, finally back on his feet and pushing him back. "I lost them, all of them and all I have left is you and Harry." He looked at Harry, calmly sleeping while the storm raged around him. "All I have left is you two and you believed him."
Remus pushed Sirius again until he was flat against the wall.
"I won't be that stupid again, Rem, I swear."
"Why should I believe you?"
That was the question. That was the one thing that Remus couldn't seem to let go.
"Why should I believe you this time?" he pushed Sirius back every time he tried to get off the wall. "You promised before and you still believed him."
"I learned from last time," Sirius stopped struggling and let Remus hold him against the wall. "I swear, Remus, I won't make the same mistake again."
Sirius was looking at him earnestly as he spoke, right into Remus’ eyes, urging him to believe.
"There's nothing more I can say, I can't make you believe me but I’ll swear Remus, a wizard's oath if you need me to."
Remus stared at Sirius for a moment then dropped his arms to his sides. There were arms reaching for him again and this time Remus couldn’t resist the offer of comfort. He allowed Sirius to pull him close, only then realising that he was shaking violently. He laid his forehead on Sirius’ shoulder, eyes closed against the world, his breath coming in shuddering gulps.
Sirius was whispering in his ear, promises that everything would be okay again, that Sirius wouldn't leave him alone but all Remus could do was stand there and shake and try to breathe.
Remus wasn’t sure how long they’d stayed like that but when he calmed down enough to open his eyes, it was to find Harry awake and staring at them wide-eyed. Harry’s silence was something he’d grown used to but the silence bubble didn’t even allow him to hear the boy’s breathing. He pulled out of Sirius’ arms and moved to the bed to pick Harry up.
In his arms, Harry kept staring at him, a frown forming on his face. He reached up and placed a hand, palm wide open, on Remus’ cheek, patting him awkwardly. It was a move Lily often made, caressing a loved one’s cheek as she went by.
“It’s okay, poppet, I was just a little upset,” Remus tried to soothe him.
Harry turned in his arms and looked at Sirius.
“Let’s get our tea, Harry,” Sirius said all fake cheerfulness. “Give uncle Remus a chance to wash his face.”
Harry refused to budge from Remus’ arms, his little arms wrapped firmly around Remus’ neck. Every time Sirius tried to lift him off Remus, Harry would glare and tighten his hold a little more.
“You know that look on his face? Pure Lily,” Remus whispered.
“Yeah. He’s the spitting image of his dad but the moment he has an expression...it’s Lily all the way.”
Remus smiled sadly at Sirius, the only other person in the world who could understand the bittersweet emotion that resemblance evoked.
“Are we...is this okay?”
“Getting there,” Remus replied.
“I seem to be interrupting something.”
Remus saw Sirius stiffen and with a weary sigh turned his head to face Dumbledore. If anything, Harry clung to him harder.
"Headmaster," Remus greeted the man. He wanted to ask for news but his composure was too easily destroyed at the moment. He couldn't face Dumbledore at less than full calm. The man always seemed to bring out the most stubborn side of Sirius and Remus couldn't play referee right now.
“Why don’t we make tea while Remus gets Harry dressed,” Sirius said in a rare moment of discreet helpfulness.
Sirius ushered Dumbledore out of the room fast and efficiently. Remus looked down at Harry, who in turn looked up at him. They stayed like that for a few moments. The weight and warmth of Harry in his arms and the calm way in which the boy was staring at him were better than the best calming draught, Remus found.
“Shall we get you dressed then?” he asked, once he was able to think again.
Harry’s only response was releasing Remus’ neck. Remus moved to set him down but saw the glass detritus just in time. The photo frame was still in pieces on the floor. Very conscious of Harry’s gaze upon the frame, Remus aimed his wand at it and fixed it once more.
“Do you want to see the pictures, Harry?”
Again, no response from Harry.
“You know, one of these days you’ll have to say something that’s not screaming out our names,” Remus sighed. He picked up the frame with one hand, still holding Harry in the other. Harry reached out and grabbed a corner of the frame, pulling it towards him. “It’s yours, yeah.”
“Remus? Are you coming?”
“And that was Uncle Sirius, sounding like he’s this close to strangling our esteemed leader,” Remus continued in the same conversational tone. “Let’s get you dressed and out there, shall we?”
Remus glanced at the photos in the frame more than once while he was getting Harry dressed. Peter was still hiding in the corner but the rest of them were back to cooing over Harry at various stages of his short life. There was no rising tension in him this time. He didn’t feel stifled with anger by every glance. There was still sorrow and fear and grief and anxiety that he would somehow ruin that well-natured child laughing as he rode his broom but the knot in his stomach seemed to have resolved. When Harry laughed in the picture, Remus didn’t want to whip out his wand and cast reducto on it.
The real version of the boy was sitting quietly on the bed, letting Remus move him this way and that to get him dressed. One short month ago he would be chattering away and showing Remus toys and drawings, making dressing him near impossible.
“I still think we might somehow ruin you,” Remus murmured. “But maybe Sirius is right, maybe things can be...better. Not fixed, but better.”
“REMUS!”
“So long as you don’t somehow inherit Uncle Sirius’ impatience.”
He finished tugging Harry’s sweater on and bent to deal with shoes.
“Remus, please come out there,” Sirius said from the door as Remus finished tying the laces. “He’s just sitting there twinkling at me! I can’t deal with that much twinkling!”
“If you would be so kind Harry, as to not inherit the drama tendencies either, that would be most helpful,” Remus said.
“Remus.”
“We’re ready.”
He made to go past Sirius out to the corridor but he only made it so far as the door before Sirius stopped him.
“You okay?”
“Okay enough.”
Sirius made him stand still and watched him for a moment before nodding and letting him go on. Sirius went to settle Harry in his playpen as Remus sat down across from Dumbledore who was, as Sirius had complained, twinkling.
“Sir? Would you mind telling us why you’re here? We had agreed no contact unless something serious happened.”
The couch dipped as Sirius came to sit next to him and Remus felt Sirius’ hand slither up his lap and grasp his. The tight hold was Sirius speak for anxiety and Remus was selfish enough to want some comfort for himself so he gripped Sirius’ hand right back. The gesture did not go unnoticed by Dumbledore who eyed their hands then smiled his infuriatingly knowing smile.
“Well, my boys, I have some news for you. Unfortunately not all of it is good.”
“Just get on with it,” Sirius snapped.
Dumbledore looked at him disapprovingly.
“Sir, please, just tell us.”
The disapproval did not fade and Dumbledore took a slow sip from his teacup before he spoke.
“Peter Pettingrew has been apprehended.”
Sirius’ grip strengthened.
“Am I...” his voice faded.
“Is Sirius exonerated?” Remus asked in his stead.
“Yes.”
“Then what is the bad news?” Sirius exploded.
Harry looked up from his pen but Sirius forced a smile and a wave. They all remained silent until Harry’s attention was back to his toys.
Dumbledore took another slow sip of his tea.
“Certain Death Eaters have managed to retain their freedom.”
“Who?” Sirius asked, “Not Bellatrix,” he went on, not waiting for an answer, “Or Lestrange.”
“No,” Dumbledore agreed. “Lucius Malfoy, Walden Macnair, Crabbe and Goyle all pled imperius. Ivan Karkaroff made a deal, he gave the Ministry Rookwood but he is to leave the UK immediately.”
“Is Harry safe?”
“Perhaps less so than other children his age. There are, after all, Death Eaters at large.”
The slowness with which Dumbledore was sipping his tea was beginning to irritate even Remus.
“If I may once more suggest Petunia Dursley,” Dumbledore begun and Remus could actually hear his bones creak so tight was Sirius’ hold.
“No,” Remus said, calmly and firmly, “He will not go live with them.”
“The blood protection alone...”
“...can be easily replaced by Sirius’ status as godparent,” Remus finished the sentence. “The magic is just as strong for the choice Lily made to give him that status. We’re the only thing he knows right now, sir, and even so he hardly speaks and hasn’t laughed since that night. We won’t allow him to be uprooted once more.”
For the first time since Lily and James died, the calm authority with which he spoke wasn’t a front. If there was one thing he and Sirius had no issues on, it was that they would be the ones to take care of Harry.
Dumbledore looked at them over his half-moon glasses, his eyes full of a disappointment Remus was now familiar with. He didn’t care. Sirius and Harry were far more important than Dumbledore’s approval.
“I need to know where the protective spell is to be cast,” was Dumbledore’s only verbal response.
The Headmaster left soon after that, cautioning them to be careful with Harry’s safety. They were to let him know of their plans as soon as possible so the protective spells could be placed on Harry’s home.
After escorting Dumbledore out, they returned to their seats in the living room. They sat there watching Harry playing quietly in his pen for a while.
“So...” Sirius said.
“So...” Remus repeated.
They kept looking at Harry.
“We could stay here,” Sirius said softly, “turn his room into a proper nursery.”
“The village isn’t far away. It’s all muggle so nobody would know him,” Remus commented, “He could go to the local school until Hogwarts.”
“Would they accept us?”
“Us?” Remus asked, looking at Sirius for the first time since their conversation had begun.
“There is an ‘us’. I mean, I thought there was but if there isn’t...”
Sirius was looking at him, earnest and hopeful. Remus could rarely resist that look. He closed his eyes.
Being with Sirius was easy. They’d fallen into it the first time with an ease that had James casting envious looks at them and longing looks at Lily. After the Snape Incident, as Remus had taken to calling it, it had been harder and less graceful. There were fights and accusations, all until the moment when Remus found Sirius broken and weeping.
And now? Now they had Harry to think about. They couldn’t keep falling in and out of each other.
I swear, Remus, I won't make the same mistake again.
“Remus?” Sirius whispered, low and hesitant.
“They would be okay with it if there was. ‘Don’t ask, don’t tell’ is alive and well here,” he said, eyes still close.
“But there isn’t,” Sirius said slowly, “an us.”
“There could be,” Remus finally opened his eyes to look straight into Sirius’. “There will be. We just need to take things slow this time.”
“For Harry.” Sirius nodded.
“And for us,” Remus noted and Sirius smiled, slow and hopeful.
The smile Remus offered in return was just as hopeful. They could do this. Maybe they couldn’t fix everything but they could make things better.
::smiles quietly to self::
Right. So. I'm reposting my fic here, since the reveals are up and all.
Title: Aftermath
Rating: PG-13
Disclaimer: I didn't make them up. I wish I did but I didn't. I do get to play with them sometimes though, and I say 'play' because I don't get any money out of it so it cannot in any way be described as 'work'.
Warnings: only the angst and maybe some swearing
Summary: After Voldermort attacks the Potters. Remus reaches the house at the same time as Sirius.
Prompt: broken picture-frame
Genre(s): AU, angst
They were standing across from each other, a few feet apart, in the debris that was their best friends' house, one at the door, the other in front of James’ body.
They both had their wands pointed at each other, fierce and protective even as they lost everything.
"How did you know to betray them?" Sirius demanded, voice shaking with anger, "Did Peter tell you? Did you kill him too?"
Remus snarled in response, feral in his rage. He caught sight of James again, eyes sightless, too still for a person so full of energy and his snarl choked on a sob.
"It wasn't me," he said. "How can you ask me that when you...you were the secret keeper?"
The question seemed enough to provoke Sirius into action, a jet of red flying from his wand to crash into the wall behind Remus. The crash of the plaster falling managed to disturb the sole living occupant of the house. Frantic cries were heard from Harry's room and both Sirius and Remus scrambled up the stairs in a mad dash to get to Harry before the traitor did.
Sirius got there first and cradled a crying Harry with one arm, the other aiming the wand at Remus.
"He's only a boy," Remus begged, "Please, just give him to me. You won't see us again, I promise."
"What the hell are you on about, Lupin?" Sirius demanded.
"Don't hurt Harry, please."
"Why would I...You're the one who..."
They both stared at each other, Harry's cries loud in the sudden silence.
"It wasn't you," Remus whispered.
"Peter. It was Peter."
"We need to tell Dumbledore," Remus said.
"We need to kill the rat," Sirius snapped.
He was down the stairs and half way out the door before Remus reached him. He grabbed Sirius’ arm, quickly releasing it as he was met with a snarl and a curse.
"Sirius, you can't take Harry with you!"
Sirius stopped and cradled Harry closer. The boy was quiet now but his hands were gripping Sirius’ jacket tightly and he was trembling.
"Harry? It's okay, it's just Uncle Sirius," he said softly. The gentle way he talked to his godson was in direct contrast with the hard, angry edge in his eyes.
Remus reached out to touch Harry but Sirius stepped back, hugging the boy with both arms now. He kept a steady stream of reassuring words, all the while glaring at Remus.
"We need to take him somewhere safe," Remus said.
Sirius nodded.
"I can't take him to my flat. If everyone thinks I was the secret keeper they're going to look for me there," he said. "I need to find Dumbledore first. Let him know there was a change."
The pronoun change wasn't lost on Remus. Still, he wasn't about to leave Harry. Not when he loved him like a nephew. Not when he was the last thing left from Lily and James.
"We could take him to my place. Nobody would look for you there."
"No," Sirius immediately responded, taking a step away.
"Sirius..."
"No. I'm taking him to Dumbledore. He'll be safe with the old man. Then I can kill the fucking bastard rat."
He stalked towards the bike, Remus right behind him.
"You can't drive with Harry in your arms, Sirius. Look, I'll sit in the sidecar, I can hold him."
"No."
This time the denial was accompanied by a snarl.
"Well I can't very well drive the sodding machine can I?" Remus snarled right back. "You wouldn't trust me not to lead you straight to Voldermort!"
They stood there, glaring at each other until Harry once more broke the impasse. Wide green eyes were focused on the wreck of his home, quickly filling with tears.
"Mummy?" he whimpered.
"Oh God," Remus breathed, closing his eyes for a moment to gather his strength. He opened them to see Sirius, deathly pale and unable to answer an increasingly agitated Harry.
"Mummy's not here," Remus said softly, "Don't you want to go see Mr Dumbledore? Remember him, Harry?" The boy had turned to face him now, away from the charred remains of the house. "He gave you sweets and let you tug on his beard."
Harry nodded hesitantly.
"See? Maybe this time he'll let you pet Fawkes."
"’kay," Harry said, distracted by the idea of touching the phoenix.
"Good boy."
When Remus allowed his attention to shift away from Harry he found his gaze drawn to the house. For a few moments it was a struggle to keep his composure. If he allowed himself to think of James, broken in the kitchen and Lily, lying in front of Harry's crib, he would sit down on the ground and just never get up.
"I want your wand."
Maybe they could salvage their own friendship out of this, Remus thought, hope near dead as he handed over his wand to Sirius. Nobody could hold Harry like that and mean him harm. If only Sirius could see that in Remus.
The trip to Hogwarts was made in silence. Remus held Harry close and concentrated on keeping himself together. He glanced at Sirius from time to time, sideways, discreet looks to make sure he was okay. Five minutes into the journey he could see tears streaming silently down Sirius’ face. He reached out to touch his friend's shoulder. Sirius caught the movement and glared at him with such ferocity that Remus couldn't complete the movement. He returned his hand to Harry's back, holding the boy more securely against him.
Once they landed on Hogwarts grounds, Sirius practically threw Remus’ wand at him and snatched Harry out of his arms.
"Sirius, you can't..."
"Let's go, Lupin."
He followed Sirius up the steps and to Dumbledore's office, silent and watchful. No students dared to stop them but Death Eaters were everywhere these days and Sirius was an easy target in his grief.
"Is it true?"
Remus had his wand drawn and a curse on his lips as he turned to face his questioner.
"Are they dead?" McGonagall asked again. It was the first time Remus had ever seen her shake. She was as calm and soothing in her own way as Dumbledore and to see her visibly try to hold back tears nearly broke Remus’ own control.
He nodded and turned to catch up to Sirius.
"Harry?"
The despair in her voice stopped him.
"Sirius has him. We're going to Dumbledore."
"Sirius! But he was-"
"It was Peter."
Remus couldn't hold back the snarl as he uttered the traitor's name. Without another word he stalked after Sirius. He was conscious of McGonagall following him, could hear her get her breathing calm again.
When they walked into Dumbledore's office they stepped into the middle of chaos. Dumbledore looked as angry as Remus had ever seen him, Sirius was screaming to take anyone's head off and Harry was sitting on the floor, crying and yelling for his mother. Remus immediately moved to Harry, picked him up and tried to soothe him.
"Will the both of you stop acting like children and consider the actual child in the room," McGonagall snapped.
Suddenly the only noise in the room was Harry's cries and Remus murmuring to him. Once again, Sirius snatched Harry away from him. The boy immediately wrapped his arms around Sirius' neck and hid his face in his godfather's shirt.
"I'm sorry, poppet," Sirius whispered, head bent close to Harry's ear, "I wasn't mad at you I promise. And I won't let you be taken to those people."
The last was said with a venomous glare towards Dumbledore.
"What people?" Remus asked, looking from one man to the other. Dumbledore was still visibly tense and, while Sirius kept his body relaxed in deference to the child in his arms, his eyes clearly expressed his anger.
"He wants us to hand Harry over to Petunia."
For the first time since they met at the Potters' house, Sirius looked at Remus with something bordering on comradeship.
"No," Remus immediately responded, low and resolute.
"Remus, surely," Dumbledore begun to explain whatever reasons he had for giving Harry to those people but Remus didn't allow him to continue.
"I'm sorry, but no. She hates magic and everything associated with it. Harry has already shown his first signs of magic!"
"That's what I said," Sirius put in.
"My boys, you must understand..."
"No, we mustn't. Lily made her wishes clear," Remus kept his voice as calm as he possibly could but he could hear fine tremors make their way through, "and she also made clear that Harry was not to go to her family."
"Sirius is under suspicion," Dumbledore tried again, "the Ministry won't allow him to keep the child."
"The suspicions will be lifted as soon as the goddamn traitor is arrested," Sirius snarled. "So get the word out that it's Pettigrew before he escapes the country!"
"I sent out Hera while you were arguing."
McGonagall’s calm voice had the effect of a glacier passing by too close to a ship. Everyone stopped and stared at her. Even Harry turned to see what everyone else was looking at.
"Mr Shacklebolt should be informing his superiors any moment now, and the Weasleys are spreading the news through the Order."
"Thank you."
It was Remus who had spoken, over Sirius’ tight nod and Dumbledore's tired sigh.
"I apologise," Dumbledore said, one hand rubbing at his face. Remus had never seen him so sombre before. Even in the middle of battle Dumbledore had a spring in his step and a twinkle in his eye. He saw Sirius draw breath, probably to lambaste the man and quickly spoke up to avoid another argument and more tears from Harry.
"We must find a place for Harry to stay safe, until Peter is captured and the Death Eaters are rounded up."
Dumbledore nodded.
"Perhaps your ancestral home, Sirius?"
Remus flinched and prepared himself to grab Harry once Sirius started screaming again. Instead of the expected explosion though, Sirius’ anger was quiet. He was still holding Harry, petting his godson's hair in an effort to calm him down.
"Mother still lives there. She would turn us over to the Death Eaters the moment she saw us."
"We could use the cottage," Remus suggested.
"No."
"Sirius, come on."
"I said no, Lupin."
Great. They were back to 'Lupin' now.
"The cottage would be safe," Dumbledore noted, "It is not common knowledge that you were allowed to inherit."
Remus managed to repress the flinch at the casual reference to his mother's death.
"My mother was a muggle, sir. The muggle authorities saw no reason not to follow her will."
So intent was he on not betraying any emotion he didn't realise that Sirius had come to stand next to him until he felt a hand settle on his shoulder.
"I didn't know," Sirius said quietly.
Remus shrugged the hand off. Sirius didn't know because he'd thought Remus was the traitor. Sirius didn't know because he’d moved out of their flat without a word. Remus ruthlessly stomped on the glimmer of resentment he could feel growing in his chest. Now wasn't the time for accusations and anger. They had to keep Harry safe.
"We could make it unplottable and move right in sir," he said, addressing Dumbledore. The fidelius was not an option he cared to discuss. "Peter never came to visit there so he doesn't know where it is. If we keep inside we should be safe enough. You and Sirius can take Harry there, stock up the pantry. I'll go back to Jam...to the house and get Harry's things. He'll want something familiar with him when he wakes up."
He waited for Sirius to object but the only thing he said was a quiet okay. Once Dumbledore nodded his own consent, Remus stalked out of the room. He could walk down to Hogsmeade and apparate from there. If nothing else, the walk would give him time to further entrench his control.
* * *
Remus stood outside the house for fifteen minutes, just staring at it. It didn't seem too bad from the outside. The front was pretty much untouched. As long as he stood there he could pretend that he would walk through the door and see Lily scolding James for giving Harry too much chocolate. Sirius would be sitting on the couch, laughing at James’ pout which would rival Harry's own and none of them would tense when he walked in.
Lily had been the only one not to suspect him, he realised now. She had never been good at hiding her anger or upset. If she had thought he was about to betray them, she wouldn't have welcomed him with open arms every time he visited.
James and Sirius then. They had believed the poison Peter had poured into their ears. And now he'd lost them all.
He shook his head to clear the thoughts away and rubbed at his dry eyes. He couldn't break down yet. He had to get Harry's things quickly, before someone thought to come here. He rushed through the kitchen, where James’ body had been and up the stairs. McGonagall had already had the Order move the bodies but he still couldn't bear to see.
Remus stopped in the spare room first, where Lily kept their luggage and grabbed the biggest bag he could find. Once inside the nursery, he couldn't avoid looking at the space in front of Harry's cot. Lily had been lying there dead, while Sirius and Remus fought over Harry's safety.
Another deep breath to hold himself together, this one somehow ending in a dry sob.
Harry's things. He had to get Harry's things.
Remus took everything he could find, clothes, toys, diapers and medicine. He hardly looked at what he was taking, just grabbed things and pushed it all in the suitcase. He made to leave when something caught his eye. Laying half under the cot was Harry's stuffed wolf. The one Sirius had given him so that he wouldn't be afraid of Uncle Moony. Harry loved that toy, Remus thought and he kneeled on the floor to take it.
As his knees hit the ground a sharp pain throbbed in his right knee. He immediately stood up again, Moony in hand, and found himself staring down at a broken picture frame. It was one of those multiple frame things, with three photographs fitting in one big frame. There was Sirius and him, laughing while Harry zoomed around them on his toy broom. There were all four of them, the Marauders, looking utterly besotted by a tiny baby held in James’ arms. There was Lily and James, smiling at the camera and holding up their son on his birthday.
He hesitated a moment before he grabbed the frame and shoved it into the suitcase along with Moony. He walked briskly outside, over the non-apparation zone that was one more measure that had failed to protect his friends and apparated to the cottage.
* * *
Remus landed in the garden and stalked inside to find Sirius steel-eyed and dangerous, aiming a wand at him. Once Sirius saw him he lowered the wand.
"Diagnostics, Sirius," Remus said in a tired tone. It was a wonder Sirius wasn't dead by now, the way he always trusted people were who they appeared to be.
"Shut up, Remus. Dumbledore set the wards so only the three of us could get in," came the equally tired reply.
"Where's Harry?"
"Asleep in the spare room. He wanted Lily," Sirius replied. He slumped on the couch and hid his face in his hands for a moment. "I had to tell him she wasn't coming back," he continued, barely audible.
Remus stood where he landed, one hand holding the suitcase, the other wrapped around Moony. He closed his eyes, reminded himself that he had to be strong and exhaled slowly.
"I'll go unpack this. It might help if he woke up with some familiar things around."
He left the room before Sirius could say anything more. He practically ran to the spare room, only to stop at the door and stare inside. The corridor light shone on Harry's tear-stained cheeks and Remus couldn't tear his eyes away. Harry whimpered and moved restlessly, reaching out for something.
"I have your Moony, Harry," Remus whispered. He finally stepped into the room, leaving the suitcase next to the door. He put the stuffed wolf next to Harry and the boy immediately latched on, dragging Moony to his chest. Remus gently wiped a fresh tear from Harry's cheek. They were supposed to take care of him now. He and Sirius, solely in charge of Harry.
Remus walked out of the room, determined to talk to Sirius. They had to deal with all the tension between them. Harry had enough to deal with without having his guardians quietly resent each other. They would talk and Remus would demand to know why Sirius suspected him and after one of their rare fights, things would go back to relative normalcy. Then they could concentrate on taking care of Harry.
His plans were torn to pieces before he even made it back to the living-room. He was still in the corridor when a smothered sob caught his ear. For what felt like the millionth time in the day, Remus pushed down on his feelings.
Sirius was still sitting on the couch, angrily wiping his eyes.
"I can't stop," he said once he saw Remus, "I keep telling myself to stop but I can't stop."
The sight of Sirius in tears was as rare as it was disturbing. Sirius had never had the handle on his emotions the rest of them did. Remus thought it may have been a childhood forced to show nothing but polite indifference. For whatever reason, outside his mother's presence Sirius simply couldn't keep a lid on them. He was quick to show his anger and quick to apologise. He laughed and screamed and vented with every opportunity. He rarely felt grief though.
The last time Remus had seen Sirius cry was weeks after he'd sent Snape to the Shrieking Shack. Sirius had been remorseful and depressed, walking around with empty eyes and trembling hands. Remus had managed to harden his heart at the pathetic mess Sirius had become until he'd come across him hiding in the toilets, crying his eyes out. Sirius had been grieving their lost friendship and Remus couldn't hold firm against such a torrent of sadness. Things hadn't been the same after that but they'd been as close to it as they could get.
And now Sirius was looking up at him, visibly trying to keep himself together. Visibly failing. Remus’ anger dispersed. He sat next to Sirius and pulled him into his arms. After a moment Sirius relaxed into his embrace, his arms gripping the back of Remus’ shirt.
"I'm so sorry," Sirius spoke between shuddering breaths. “I’m so stupid. I thought it was you and now they’re dead and it’s my fault. I’m so sorry, Remus.”
Remus kept his arms around Sirius, dry-eyed and quiet. You had to let Sirius get it out of his system. Once he’d done that, he’d go back to relative normalcy. Remus envied him this ability to feel things to the fullest and then just let them go. He held Sirius as the man grieved and all the while he kept himself so tightly in control he thought he might snap in two from the tension of it.
The sobs faded soon enough and Sirius excused himself, stammering in his embarrassment. Remus sighed and rubbed his temples. He got up to check on Harry. The boy was still sleeping, a little calmer now that he had Moony in a chokehold. Glancing uneasily at the bathroom door, Remus stepped further into the room and began to unpack the suitcase. He put Harry’s clothes in the armoire and spread the toys around the room so they could be easily reachable.
When he reached the frame he stood staring once more. He wanted to burn Peter’s face off the picture. Wanted to tear Sirius into little pieces and push James and Lily in a drawer where he wouldn’t have to look at them and remember. He went so far as to point his wand at the picture but then Harry muttered something in his sleep and instead of incendio he found himself casting reparo.
***
“We should talk.”
Remus startled at the sudden noise. The cup dropped from his hands and shattered on the floor.
“Reparo,” Sirius said and there was the mug lying on its side where its biggest piece had fallen.
“I didn’t hear you.”
“I figured.”
They’d been walking on eggshells around each other for the past week. The brief surge of courage that had led Remus from Harry’s room to talk to Sirius about the whole situation had waned. Both of them had kept their focus on Harry and tried to ignore the mounting tension between them.
Any opportunities to talk had been few and far between even had they wanted to. Harry wouldn’t let either one of them out of his sight. If Remus or Sirius were gone for more than a minute or two he would search the cottage, yelling out their names until he found them. Those were the only words Harry would utter, their names screamed out when he couldn’t see them. This near silence from Harry, who could talk your ear off with his baby talk, was harder to take than any amount of tears and tantrums.
“Where’s Harry?”
“Asleep.”
Remus nodded. He picked up the mug from the floor and placed it in the sink.
“I really am sorry, Remus. I shouldn’t...” Sirius paused and ran a hand through his hair, staring out the window. Remus didn’t say anything and then Sirius was looking at him again. “I shouldn’t have believed him.”
“No, you shouldn’t have,” he said calmly.
“Remus...”
“He tried to get me to think it was you,” Remus said, ignoring Sirius’ attempt to speak. “He said you would do anything to save your brother, even if it meant betraying your friends.”
“I would never do that!”
Remus looked at him then, steady and earnest.
“I know.”
He watched Sirius’ face slowly crumple. No tears this time, just sheer desperation and guilt.
“I went to Lily and talked it over. I didn’t want to tell James, he loved you so much I couldn’t say that to him. Do you know what she said?”
Sirius slowly shook his head.
“She said that you were more likely to tie Regulus to a chair and scream at him until he agreed to go into hiding,” Remus smiled sadly as he repeated Lily’s words. She’d been so amused by the mere suggestion that Sirius would do something so sneaky.
“She said that?”
“She knew you.”
Silence descended once more, awkward and heavy, between them.
“He saw you with Greyback.”
No need to ask who ‘he’ was.
“Did he?” Remus asked mildly.
They were standing on opposite sides of the kitchen, looking at each other over the table that still held the remains of Harry’s dinner.
“He showed me the memory. I hadn’t believed him until then. I couldn’t believe that you would do that to us. To me.”
Sirius stepped forward, his hand twitching as if fighting the urge to reach towards Remus. Remus shook his head and stepped back. He couldn’t touch Sirius now. Not while they were talking about this.
“I was trying to get information out of him.”
Sirius nodded as if that made perfect sense. Of course it did, Remus thought, it was the truth.
“He said you needed Greyback’s acceptance. That the wolf needed his pack and we weren’t a good enough substitute anymore.”
“Sirius,” Remus snapped, disapproval and anger in his voice. Just like when Sirius and James did something stupid at school.
“I’m sorry,” Sirius apologised again. “He just....the memory and then you disappeared.”
“My mother had died!”
“You didn’t tell me!”
It was Sirius’ turn to sound angry.
“She got sick so suddenly,” Remus murmured, gaze dropping to the floor. “It was after a mission and I rushed straight here and then...” he paused. Even now he couldn’t say the words. “I couldn’t handle anyone knowing,” he said instead.
“I know.”
The stupid thing was, Sirius probably did know. They knew each other better than anyone. Remus knew Sirius needed to yell and scream and cry before calming down and Sirius knew Remus couldn’t deal with emotional confrontations.
“Did James...”
Harry’s cries interrupted him. The boy had woken up and was screaming for his uncles.
“No.” Sirius said, pausing in the doorway. “I talked to him about it but he never believed it. He...he kept asking for more proof.”
With that he was gone, leaving Remus to stare at the empty doorway and try to wrap his mind around their conversation.
***
The day after the full moon Remus came back to the cottage to find Sirius and Harry asleep on the couch. The moment he stepped through the door Sirius had his eyes open and his wand out, one hand curling protectively around the sleeping Harry.
“You’re okay?” he asked, relaxing back into the couch.
“As I can be after the full,” Remus replied. He looked at Harry then at Sirius, a question clear in his eyes.
“He couldn’t find you and he panicked,” Sirius said quietly, “He cried himself to sleep, staring at the fireplace.”
“Fuck.”
Remus closed his eyes and ran a hand through his hair.
“Fuck,” he repeated.
“Yeah,” Sirius sighed.
Stepping closer to the couch, Remus reached down and gently tucked a wayward strand of hair behind Harry’s ear. The touch awakened Harry, who promptly latched onto Remus and didn’t let go for the rest of the day.
***
It took a few days for Harry to relax enough to sleep in his own room without Remus or Sirius there. The very day that happened, Sirius resumed their talk, as if they’d only just been interrupted. He sat down across from Remus and stared at him until he was forced to look up from his book.
“I should have known it was all wrong when you dumped me.”
“Bloody Gryffindor,” Remus muttered into his book.
Only Sirius would embrace their House’s characteristics so wholeheartedly. Even James had baulked at some things, like asking Lily out or facing Dumbledore’s rare but fierce wrath. Sirius had played pranks right under McGonagall's sharp eyes. Sirius had declared himself gay in the middle of the common room, daring anyone to take offence. He’d then proceeded to ask out anyone who caught his fancy with wilful disregard for all rules as well as possible rejection.
Sirius steamrolled through life with the same determination that Remus sidled through it.
“If you were a traitor you’d hardly dump the secret keeper,” Sirius went on, “I was stupid and I’m sorry.”
“Sirius...”
“No, I am. I’m not saying you have to forgive me. Or even like me again. It just made so much sense at the time,” he insisted, frowning his confusion.
“Yes, well, Peter learned from the best,” Remus said dryly.
“Voldermort?” If anything, Sirius sounded even more bewildered.
“You and James.”
Even saying his name hurt.
“James and I never betrayed anyone,” Sirius snapped. “James never did,” he amended closing his eyes for a moment.
“I meant that you could both take something completely illogical and make it sound reasonable,” Remus said gently.
“Oh.”
The silence stretched for a while.
“I’m still sorry.”
“I know.”
Remus laid his book on the coffee table. He knew the question he wanted to ask. He was just so damn scared of the answer.
“Did you...” he gathered every bit of Gryffindor courage he had and, after a deep breath, he blurted it out. “Was it because of the wolf?”
“No!” The answer was immediate and loud. Sirius looked so shocked that even the small self-loathing part of Remus’ soul had to believe him.
“No,” Sirius repeated more quietly, with an uneasy glance towards Harry’s room. No cries were heard and he turned back to Remus.
“It had to be one of us,” he explained. “I knew...Regulus was trying to leave them by then. Lily was right, I wanted to tie him to a chair and scream at him until he agreed to hide," he said, a sad smile on his lips. "He found me and told me things. Things that the Death Eaters knew when they shouldn’t have. It had to be one of us.”
Even talking about it now, his voice rose higher and his breathing quickened.
Remus nodded. He knew Sirius, he could understand the sheer panic the mere thought must have caused. Better to suspect his parents than to even contemplate that one of the Marauders could go bad.
“It couldn’t be me or James,” Sirius continued, speaking a little faster “It had to be you or Peter. I didn’t want it to be you.”
Sirius was looking at him, eyes wide, desperation shining through.
“I didn’t want it to be you," he repeated, "but how could it be Peter? He’s so...he never takes risks or makes grand plans. He has all the imagination in the world but…we had to talk him into all of our pranks! We had to talk him into asking girls out! How could it be Peter?”
There was nothing Remus could say to that so he just stayed quiet.
“I’m sorry.”
“It’s okay,” Remus said.
“No. It’s not.”
There was sadness in Sirius’ voice, and guilt. He stared at Remus, letting him see his shame.
“It will be,” Remus insisted just as Harry woke up and demanded to see them.
The next few hours were spent taking care of Harry. Babysitting every once in a while hadn’t prepared them for full-time caring for a traumatised boy. Remus was absolutely terrified they would somehow damage him.
While Harry had quickly gone back to his semi-clingy state, Remus still hadn’t gotten over the consequences of his disappearance during the full moon. He was sure that the too-slowly dissipating tension between him and Sirius wasn’t helping Harry relax back into even a semblance of normalcy.
As a result, Remus was overprotective and over affectionate, nearly smothering Harry in his attempt to show him that he was surrounded by people who loved him. Sirius wasn’t far behind, Remus noted, guilt probably weighing him down even more than Remus.
They had to fix things, Remus knew that. So after Harry was asleep and the dishes were washed, he went into the living room, intent on continuing their discussion. Sirius was sitting in front of the fireplace, polishing his boots. Remus watched him for a while, the methodical movements across the leather almost hypnotising.
“I didn’t dump you, you know.”
Sirius looked up, startled by the sudden noise.
“What?”
“I didn’t dump you,” Remus repeated.
“Yes, you did.”
“No, I didn’t.”
“Remus, you went out on a mission and never came back. I sent you owls and you never replied. I’m pretty sure that counts as dumping me.”
“I went out on a mission, I got injured, my mother got sick and by the time I came back you were looking at me as if I was the enemy.”
“You got injured?” Sirius frowned, looking him over as if he could spot what the injury was.
“It wasn’t serious," Remus waved the concern away. "I came back and you were out of the flat. Peter said you were seeing someone else.”
“‘Peter said’.”
Remus nodded, a bitter smile twisting his lips.
“Funny how we all believed him. He said you didn’t want to talk about it so I didn’t talk about it. I behaved exactly like he knew I would. Wallowed in my misery and avoided any confrontation.”
“You never left me.”
“No more than you were seeing someone else.”
“Okay.”
Just like that the tension faded a little more.
****
It was three weeks since the Potters had died and Remus was once more staring at the picture frame. Peter was hiding behind the frame, only his shoulder visible just inside the picture. The rest of them kept glancing at each other, then at Remus, bright-eyed and showing off the newborn.
Every time he looked at the picture, Remus wanted to scream at them to shut up, to rail and snarl until they were all hiding in the frame. They were so damn happy and Peter was just there. And even in the picture Peter knew, the bastard knew what he was planning and still he’d stood there and looked at Harry like he deserved to even stand near him.
But then, Harry would stumble in, still uncertain of his balance as he walked. Or he’d wake up and look up at Remus, trusting and needy. How could Remus be anything but there for Harry? So he swallowed all the rage and pain as he always did and took care of Harry instead.
Despite the undercurrents to every conversation they had, Sirius was a welcome distraction from both the maelstrom of emotions and the fear that they would somehow ruin Harry. In between talking about what had happened they discussed mundane things like whose turn it was to cook and how good the book Remus was reading was. Simple things that kept Remus sane for a little while longer.
Remus kept going as he did, ignoring Sirius’ concerned looks and the increasing amount of time he needed to get up in the morning. He just had to keep pretending things were normal and eventually they would be.
He managed to go on for another week before it all fell apart. Sirius was putting Harry to sleep, with Remus watching from the doorway. He’d gotten into the habit of following Sirius and Harry with his eyes, catching all the peaceful scenes he could, using them to shore up the chaos he was carrying around.
Harry had just gone to sleep and Sirius turned to grin at him, obviously proud of sticking to the one-bedtime-story rule. Remus saw what happened in slow-motion. Sirius’ wand, stuck in his back pocket, nudged the frame on Harry’s bedside table. The frame wobbled and, before Remus could utter a warning, toppled over.
“You broke it,” Remus whispered.
He barely saw Sirius’ widened eyes, didn’t even notice the quick spell Sirius cast on Harry’s bed.
“You broke it,” he said again, louder this time.
“We can fix it, Rem.”
“No we can’t. I already fixed it once. You can’t just keep fixing things!” Remus yelled, distraught. “I already fixed it once,” he repeated and kneeled to pick up the pieces. Peter was cowering in the corner and the rest of them were looking at the traitor in confusion. Of course, they hadn’t known about his betrayal back then. They were happy.
“We were happy.”
Remus’ breath was coming faster now. He could see Harry sleeping easily in his bed and a small part of him thanked the heavens that Sirius thought to cast a silencing spell on it. He tried to calm down again but the sight of the broken frame kept driving his pulse up. He drew in breath but the air got lodged in his throat.
He could feel Sirius’ hand on his shoulder, pulling him slowly into an embrace.
"How could he?" he demanded, angrily shoving the hand back. "We were happy."
"I don't know Remus, please, just…"
"And you believed him," Remus went on, unable to stop himself from screaming at Sirius. "You bastard, I loved you and you believed his lies and you left me alone. She'd died and there was no one with me because you believed him."
"I'm sorry, I…"
"You should be sorry, you bastard," Remus talked over Sirius, finally back on his feet and pushing him back. "I lost them, all of them and all I have left is you and Harry." He looked at Harry, calmly sleeping while the storm raged around him. "All I have left is you two and you believed him."
Remus pushed Sirius again until he was flat against the wall.
"I won't be that stupid again, Rem, I swear."
"Why should I believe you?"
That was the question. That was the one thing that Remus couldn't seem to let go.
"Why should I believe you this time?" he pushed Sirius back every time he tried to get off the wall. "You promised before and you still believed him."
"I learned from last time," Sirius stopped struggling and let Remus hold him against the wall. "I swear, Remus, I won't make the same mistake again."
Sirius was looking at him earnestly as he spoke, right into Remus’ eyes, urging him to believe.
"There's nothing more I can say, I can't make you believe me but I’ll swear Remus, a wizard's oath if you need me to."
Remus stared at Sirius for a moment then dropped his arms to his sides. There were arms reaching for him again and this time Remus couldn’t resist the offer of comfort. He allowed Sirius to pull him close, only then realising that he was shaking violently. He laid his forehead on Sirius’ shoulder, eyes closed against the world, his breath coming in shuddering gulps.
Sirius was whispering in his ear, promises that everything would be okay again, that Sirius wouldn't leave him alone but all Remus could do was stand there and shake and try to breathe.
Remus wasn’t sure how long they’d stayed like that but when he calmed down enough to open his eyes, it was to find Harry awake and staring at them wide-eyed. Harry’s silence was something he’d grown used to but the silence bubble didn’t even allow him to hear the boy’s breathing. He pulled out of Sirius’ arms and moved to the bed to pick Harry up.
In his arms, Harry kept staring at him, a frown forming on his face. He reached up and placed a hand, palm wide open, on Remus’ cheek, patting him awkwardly. It was a move Lily often made, caressing a loved one’s cheek as she went by.
“It’s okay, poppet, I was just a little upset,” Remus tried to soothe him.
Harry turned in his arms and looked at Sirius.
“Let’s get our tea, Harry,” Sirius said all fake cheerfulness. “Give uncle Remus a chance to wash his face.”
Harry refused to budge from Remus’ arms, his little arms wrapped firmly around Remus’ neck. Every time Sirius tried to lift him off Remus, Harry would glare and tighten his hold a little more.
“You know that look on his face? Pure Lily,” Remus whispered.
“Yeah. He’s the spitting image of his dad but the moment he has an expression...it’s Lily all the way.”
Remus smiled sadly at Sirius, the only other person in the world who could understand the bittersweet emotion that resemblance evoked.
“Are we...is this okay?”
“Getting there,” Remus replied.
“I seem to be interrupting something.”
Remus saw Sirius stiffen and with a weary sigh turned his head to face Dumbledore. If anything, Harry clung to him harder.
"Headmaster," Remus greeted the man. He wanted to ask for news but his composure was too easily destroyed at the moment. He couldn't face Dumbledore at less than full calm. The man always seemed to bring out the most stubborn side of Sirius and Remus couldn't play referee right now.
“Why don’t we make tea while Remus gets Harry dressed,” Sirius said in a rare moment of discreet helpfulness.
Sirius ushered Dumbledore out of the room fast and efficiently. Remus looked down at Harry, who in turn looked up at him. They stayed like that for a few moments. The weight and warmth of Harry in his arms and the calm way in which the boy was staring at him were better than the best calming draught, Remus found.
“Shall we get you dressed then?” he asked, once he was able to think again.
Harry’s only response was releasing Remus’ neck. Remus moved to set him down but saw the glass detritus just in time. The photo frame was still in pieces on the floor. Very conscious of Harry’s gaze upon the frame, Remus aimed his wand at it and fixed it once more.
“Do you want to see the pictures, Harry?”
Again, no response from Harry.
“You know, one of these days you’ll have to say something that’s not screaming out our names,” Remus sighed. He picked up the frame with one hand, still holding Harry in the other. Harry reached out and grabbed a corner of the frame, pulling it towards him. “It’s yours, yeah.”
“Remus? Are you coming?”
“And that was Uncle Sirius, sounding like he’s this close to strangling our esteemed leader,” Remus continued in the same conversational tone. “Let’s get you dressed and out there, shall we?”
Remus glanced at the photos in the frame more than once while he was getting Harry dressed. Peter was still hiding in the corner but the rest of them were back to cooing over Harry at various stages of his short life. There was no rising tension in him this time. He didn’t feel stifled with anger by every glance. There was still sorrow and fear and grief and anxiety that he would somehow ruin that well-natured child laughing as he rode his broom but the knot in his stomach seemed to have resolved. When Harry laughed in the picture, Remus didn’t want to whip out his wand and cast reducto on it.
The real version of the boy was sitting quietly on the bed, letting Remus move him this way and that to get him dressed. One short month ago he would be chattering away and showing Remus toys and drawings, making dressing him near impossible.
“I still think we might somehow ruin you,” Remus murmured. “But maybe Sirius is right, maybe things can be...better. Not fixed, but better.”
“REMUS!”
“So long as you don’t somehow inherit Uncle Sirius’ impatience.”
He finished tugging Harry’s sweater on and bent to deal with shoes.
“Remus, please come out there,” Sirius said from the door as Remus finished tying the laces. “He’s just sitting there twinkling at me! I can’t deal with that much twinkling!”
“If you would be so kind Harry, as to not inherit the drama tendencies either, that would be most helpful,” Remus said.
“Remus.”
“We’re ready.”
He made to go past Sirius out to the corridor but he only made it so far as the door before Sirius stopped him.
“You okay?”
“Okay enough.”
Sirius made him stand still and watched him for a moment before nodding and letting him go on. Sirius went to settle Harry in his playpen as Remus sat down across from Dumbledore who was, as Sirius had complained, twinkling.
“Sir? Would you mind telling us why you’re here? We had agreed no contact unless something serious happened.”
The couch dipped as Sirius came to sit next to him and Remus felt Sirius’ hand slither up his lap and grasp his. The tight hold was Sirius speak for anxiety and Remus was selfish enough to want some comfort for himself so he gripped Sirius’ hand right back. The gesture did not go unnoticed by Dumbledore who eyed their hands then smiled his infuriatingly knowing smile.
“Well, my boys, I have some news for you. Unfortunately not all of it is good.”
“Just get on with it,” Sirius snapped.
Dumbledore looked at him disapprovingly.
“Sir, please, just tell us.”
The disapproval did not fade and Dumbledore took a slow sip from his teacup before he spoke.
“Peter Pettingrew has been apprehended.”
Sirius’ grip strengthened.
“Am I...” his voice faded.
“Is Sirius exonerated?” Remus asked in his stead.
“Yes.”
“Then what is the bad news?” Sirius exploded.
Harry looked up from his pen but Sirius forced a smile and a wave. They all remained silent until Harry’s attention was back to his toys.
Dumbledore took another slow sip of his tea.
“Certain Death Eaters have managed to retain their freedom.”
“Who?” Sirius asked, “Not Bellatrix,” he went on, not waiting for an answer, “Or Lestrange.”
“No,” Dumbledore agreed. “Lucius Malfoy, Walden Macnair, Crabbe and Goyle all pled imperius. Ivan Karkaroff made a deal, he gave the Ministry Rookwood but he is to leave the UK immediately.”
“Is Harry safe?”
“Perhaps less so than other children his age. There are, after all, Death Eaters at large.”
The slowness with which Dumbledore was sipping his tea was beginning to irritate even Remus.
“If I may once more suggest Petunia Dursley,” Dumbledore begun and Remus could actually hear his bones creak so tight was Sirius’ hold.
“No,” Remus said, calmly and firmly, “He will not go live with them.”
“The blood protection alone...”
“...can be easily replaced by Sirius’ status as godparent,” Remus finished the sentence. “The magic is just as strong for the choice Lily made to give him that status. We’re the only thing he knows right now, sir, and even so he hardly speaks and hasn’t laughed since that night. We won’t allow him to be uprooted once more.”
For the first time since Lily and James died, the calm authority with which he spoke wasn’t a front. If there was one thing he and Sirius had no issues on, it was that they would be the ones to take care of Harry.
Dumbledore looked at them over his half-moon glasses, his eyes full of a disappointment Remus was now familiar with. He didn’t care. Sirius and Harry were far more important than Dumbledore’s approval.
“I need to know where the protective spell is to be cast,” was Dumbledore’s only verbal response.
The Headmaster left soon after that, cautioning them to be careful with Harry’s safety. They were to let him know of their plans as soon as possible so the protective spells could be placed on Harry’s home.
After escorting Dumbledore out, they returned to their seats in the living room. They sat there watching Harry playing quietly in his pen for a while.
“So...” Sirius said.
“So...” Remus repeated.
They kept looking at Harry.
“We could stay here,” Sirius said softly, “turn his room into a proper nursery.”
“The village isn’t far away. It’s all muggle so nobody would know him,” Remus commented, “He could go to the local school until Hogwarts.”
“Would they accept us?”
“Us?” Remus asked, looking at Sirius for the first time since their conversation had begun.
“There is an ‘us’. I mean, I thought there was but if there isn’t...”
Sirius was looking at him, earnest and hopeful. Remus could rarely resist that look. He closed his eyes.
Being with Sirius was easy. They’d fallen into it the first time with an ease that had James casting envious looks at them and longing looks at Lily. After the Snape Incident, as Remus had taken to calling it, it had been harder and less graceful. There were fights and accusations, all until the moment when Remus found Sirius broken and weeping.
And now? Now they had Harry to think about. They couldn’t keep falling in and out of each other.
I swear, Remus, I won't make the same mistake again.
“Remus?” Sirius whispered, low and hesitant.
“They would be okay with it if there was. ‘Don’t ask, don’t tell’ is alive and well here,” he said, eyes still close.
“But there isn’t,” Sirius said slowly, “an us.”
“There could be,” Remus finally opened his eyes to look straight into Sirius’. “There will be. We just need to take things slow this time.”
“For Harry.” Sirius nodded.
“And for us,” Remus noted and Sirius smiled, slow and hopeful.
The smile Remus offered in return was just as hopeful. They could do this. Maybe they couldn’t fix everything but they could make things better.