Chinatown
Title: Chinatown
Author: nancygrew
Rating: G
Summary: domestic scene with Luke, Reid, Katie and Doogie, spoiler-y but AU
Disclaimer: Characters are the property of ATWT. I'm just playing with them.
Reid arrived at Katie’s apartment shortly after five p.m. to find Chris Hughes lying on the couch wearing a pair of completely ridiculous bright yellow pajamas, Katie in the armchair holding her son Jacob while reading a book and Luke sitting at the kitchen table looking through binders of papers.
“Good evening, Baboon Heart,” Reid greeted Chris with a hard tap on the head as he passed him on his way to his boyfriend Luke.
“Don’t have a baboon heart,” groused Chris as he glared at Reid. “I would appreciate it if you would stop calling me that. When I was leaving the hospital this morning, I overheard one of the nurses tell one of the orderlies that my new heart is from a baboon.”
As Chris’ tender feelings were not a high priority with Reid, Reid ignored him. “Hey,” Reid said to Luke as he bent down to kiss him in greeting.
“Hey,” Luke whispered after the kiss while displaying the Oakdale-renowned Luke Snyder Grin of Goofy Happiness.
“What about me?” asked Katie while closing her eyes and making an exaggerated “kissy” face. Reid smirked at Chris and then much to Katie’s surprise walked over and gave her a loud smacking kiss on the lips.
“Thanks,” Katie laughed. “Just out of curiosity, where exactly on the Kinsey scale do you fall?”
“Alas, you’re just going to have to settle for fantasizing about Reid Oliver sexy times.” Reid sighed to Katie. “Anyone want a sandwich?”
“Supper’s in an hour.” Luke said while flipping through the pages of the binder he was currently reading.
“Plenty of time for a snack,” Reid replied while heading to the refrigerator. He opened the fridge and frowned upon viewing the contents. He opened the freezer and frowned harder. “I thought you were going grocery shopping today?”
“I did,” said Luke with a confused expression on his face. “The fridge is packed with food.”
“There’s no lunch meat, no frozen dinners, no food I ever actually eat.”
“That’s because we’re going to eat healthy in solidarity with Chris. There’s a bunch of stuff to snack on in there. Baby carrots, apples, yogurt . . .”
“I don’t remember voting on the rest of us having to change our lifestyles just because Baboon Heart is an idiot,” whined Reid.
“It’s understood that in the event that you’re not around to participate in a vote that Luke holds your proxy and can vote in your place,” Katie cheerfully informed Reid. She stood up and walked over to Reid and handed Jacob over to him. “Here, make yourself useful and play with Jacob while I get some work done.” Katie sat back down in the armchair and began reading her book again.
Reid sat down at the table next to Luke and jostled Jacob upon his thigh. The kid wasn’t a delicious feast of processed meat and cheeses but Reid was fond enough of him. “What are we having for supper?”
“Grilled chicken with braised pineapple, brown rice with dried apricots and steamed broccoli,” Luke informed Reid with an enthusiasm that most people reserved for things that weren’t grilled chicken with braised pineapple, brown rice with dried apricots and steamed broccoli. Luke didn’t notice the death glare that Reid shot in Chris’ direction but Chris did.
“What are you even doing here, Reid?” Chris snarled. “Katie said that you and Luke moved into the Walsh cottage the day after my surgery because you two didn’t want to waste anytime in seizing the day and being all Happily Ever After. Did Luke decide to kick you out already?”
“Since Luke is here with me, that’s a pretty moronic conclusion to jump to but it doesn’t surprise me that-ouch, that’s my knee, Luciano.”
“Recent heart transplant,” sing-songed Luke as he used a highlighter to mark something he was reading.
Reid sighed. He sighed as heavily as any man before him had ever sighed. “Luke and I are going to hang around for a few days to help take care of Katie and Jacob while Katie takes care of you,” explained Reid to Chris.
“You don’t have to do me any favors.”
“Hadn’t planned on it. I’m here for Katie and the kid.” Reid decided that he was now bored speaking with Chris and scooted his chair closer to Luke’s. He rubbed the hand that wasn’t holding Jacob along Luke’s thigh. “Are those plans for my cardio wing?”
“Hmmm?” Luke murmured distractedly. “Oh, no, this is all Grimaldi Shipping stuff. There’s a board meeting at the end of the month and I have to review the annual report, tax filings and blah, blah, blah so that I can pretend to know what’s going on. I’d like to prevent anyone at Grimaldi from using my inexperience as an excuse to commit fraud or to plot world-domination if it’s at all possible. Do you think it’ll be hard to teach myself international and maritime law in a couple of weeks?”
“Maybe a little,” Reid decided that he’d be a good boyfriend and let Luke study instead of trying to talk him into making out in front of Chris. He shifted Jacob to his hip as he stood up. He strode over to Katie and planted himself on the arm of the chair. “What are you reading?” he asked Katie.
Katie showed Reid the cover of the book. “It’s Seth’s new book. Since I’m interviewing him on Oakdale Now next week, I need to read his latest one.”
“Who’s Seth?”
Katie glanced at Luke before replying. “Seth Snyder. The author. Luke’s uncle. The guy who’s moving back to Oakdale with his wife to become a creative writing teacher at Oakdale University. The guy whose welcome home cook-out everyone in Oakdale, except Chris, is going to this weekend.”
Reid rolled his eyes. He looked at Luke who had been listening to the conversation and who had the gall to look not even the slightest bit guilty that he was about to convince Reid to attend yet another Snyder event which from Reid’s experience with Snyder events would most likely end in tears and recriminations. “Does the fact that you haven’t yet mentioned this cook-out to me mean that it’s not one of the mandatory Snyder gatherings that I have to attend in order to prove that my love for you is true and eternal?”
“The fact that I hadn’t mentioned it yet means that I’d decided that it’d be less annoying for both of us if I started giving you minimal grumbling time beforehand when requesting your delightful presence at family things.”
“I don’t grumble,” grumbled Reid.
“GRUMBLE, GRUMBLE, GRUMBLE. I’M THE FEROCIOUS REID-BEAST AND WILL BAKE YOU INTO MEAT PIES AND SELL THEM AT THE VILLAGE FAIR IF YOU ASK ME TO SOCIALIZE. GRUMBLE, GRUMBLE, GRUMBLE,” intoned Luke in a deep voice that would have made Darth Vader tremble in fear.
Reid decided to ignore the mockery of his so-called boyfriend and sat down on the floor with Jacob to play. He played with Jacob while Luke studied his binders and Katie read Seth’s novel. Reid didn’t so much as glance at Chris laying on the couch but he could feel Chris’ glare of jealousy boring a hole into the back of his skull while Jacob expressed his enormous feelings of love for Reid via giggling and cooing.
A short time later, Luke announced, “I am now officially taking a couple of hours off from being the Grimaldi heir,” He got up and gathered the binders. He took them into Reid’s former bedroom. When he came back out, he walked over to Reid and gave him a gentle kiss on the forehead as though Reid was a small child in need of cajoling. “Reid, will you come to the cook-out with me this weekend?”
“Grumble. Grumble. Grumble. Fine. Is Uncle Seth actually your uncle or is he one of those Snyders who is a second cousin twice removed with an honorary title of uncle?”
“Reid, it’s time to move our relationship to the next level,” Luke informed his boyfriend.
“Role-playing?” asked a little-too-enthusiastic Katie as she laid aside her book.
Luke clapped his hand over Reid’s mouth before he had a chance to let Katie know that role-playing had already been incorporated into their relationship. “No. Reid, I’m going to detail the Snyder family tree to you. Katie, do you have a paper grocery bag and a marker?”
“Yes!” Katie squealed in delight. “I’ve got the markers that smell really good,” Katie scurried from the living room leaving Reid to wonder if she was excited about genealogy or about sniffing markers. Katie returned from her bedroom carrying a dozen colored markers. She went into the kitchen and pulled a paper grocery bag from one of the cabinets. Luke held out his hand for Reid and hauled him up from the floor. He led Reid who was carrying Jacob to the kitchen table and patted Reid’s butt before pushing him into a chair. Reid didn’t really have an interest in learning about Luke’s Byzantine family connections but the pat on the butt served to temporarily placate him. Luke accepted the paper bag from Katie and tore it open in order to form one large flat piece of paper. He laid it down on the table and sat to Reid’s right. Katie pulled up a chair and sat to Luke’s right.
“Once upon a time, there were three Snyder brothers. Their names were Bert, Henry and Harvey,” Luke began. As Luke mentioned names, he neatly printed them on the paper and drew boxes around them. As he explained the various relationships, he drew lines between the boxes and used different colors in order to differentiate between the types of relationships. “Bert married Dolores and had two sons, Jacob better known as Jack and Brad. Jack has been married to five different women and-“
“Wait a minute. The cop with the Dudley Do-Right attitude has been married five times?” asked Reid.
“No,” said Luke. “Jack has been married six times to a total of five women. And you will definitely want to hold off on the surprised interjections until my family tree gets a lot weirder than this or it’s going to take a long time to finish explaining the magic that is the Snyder family tree. Jack’s been married to Julia Lindsey, Carly Tenney, Julia Larrabee, Katie Peretti and Janet Ciccone. He was married and divorced twice from Carly. He-“
“Hold on,” Reid interrupted. He looked at Katie. “You’re Katie Peretti,” Katie nodded. “So, you were married to brothers?” Katie nodded.
“Once you’ve had Snyder lovin’, it’s tough to settle for less,” Luke gleefully informed Reid. Katie nodded.
“Hey! I’m lying like five feet away from you,” whined Chris.
“I’m just joking, sweetie,” said Katie while Reid snorted.
“She also tried to seduce my dad once,” Luke told Reid. Katie nodded when Reid looked at her questioningly.
“I’m still lying right here guys.”
“Some people become all Grumpy McCrankypants when they get organ transplants,” stage-whispered Luke to Reid and Katie. “Anyway, Jack and Carly have three kids, Parker, JJ and Sage. Parker’s biological father is the former chief of police Hal Munson who passed away a few years ago. JJ’s biological parents were Julia Larrabee and her ex-husband. Janet is currently married to Jack and is carrying his baby but Jack is dating Carly again and Janet is dating Dusty Donovan. Dusty was my Mom’s first boyfriend and had an affair with her later on when she was married to my dad. He also dated my Aunt Rose for awhile. I’ll be mentioning dating histories if I think they’re relevant to your understanding of Greater Snyderdom but I won’t write them down on the family tree unless they result in marriage and/or offspring.”
“I cannot tell you how much I appreciate that,” Reid said dryly as he watched Luke draw asterisks next to Parker’s and JJ’s names and made notations regarding biological relationships.
“Brad had a teenage relationship with Janet which resulted in Liberty who was once married to Parker,” as Luke was drawing a line between Liberty and Parker’s names Reid interrupted again.
“They’re cousins! Incestuous cousins. And also they’re twelve.”
“They’re not biologically related. You’re really going to want to bear in mind that’s it’s not technically incest if one of the people involved is adopted. And they’re not twelve. They’re only a few years younger than me. Now, Brad’s been married to Carly and Katie and-“as Luke was drawing lines between Brad’s name and Carly’s and Brad’s name and Katie’s Reid once again felt that it was imperative to interrupt Luke.
“So, not only did Katie marry Snyder brothers but so did Carly?” asked Reid incredulously.
“Snyder lovin’,” Luke sing-songed. “Carly also had an affair with my dad once when he was still married to my mom. And please trust me when I tell you that you do not want to keep interrupting until the family tree starts to get complicated.”
“You don’t have a family tree. You have a family briar patch.”
“Anyway,” Luke continued as he ignored Reid’s rude interruption, “Brad was Katie’s co-host on Oakdale Now and they had the beautiful baby who is currently chewing on your fist.
“The second Snyder brother, Henry, married Elizabeth and they had a son Josh. Only Josh wasn’t Henry’s biological son. This is a really important distinction to bear in mind for later. Josh’s biological dad was Cal Strickland who back then went by the name Rod Landry.”
“Wait. Cal Strickland of Strickland Oil?”
“Yeah.”
“So one side of your family are wealthy Maltese mobsters, one of your grandmothers is Lucinda Walsh of Walsh Enterprises and Worldwide Industries, and your biological uncle once removed is Cal Strickland of Strickland Oil?”
“Sort of. I’ll explain more about Cal once we get to my Aunt Iva on the family tree. And Grimaldis aren’t technically mobsters. Some Grimaldis may have some ties to organized crime. Damian is only about 50% evil which means that I’m no more than 25% evil.”
“So how incredibly filthy rich are you?” asked Reid ignoring the part where his boyfriend was confessing to being up to 25% evil.
“One doesn’t discuss money,” Luke replied haughtily. “Anyway, Cal didn’t know he had a son until he came back to Oakdale when Josh was an adult. Cal and Josh both live in Waco now where they run Strickland Oil.
“The third Snyder brother, Harvey, married my grandma Emma. In addition to running the farm, Grandma Emma occasionally writes steamy romance novels. Emma and Harvey had six kids. Seth, Iva, Ellie, Caleb, Holden, and Meg. Seth is a novelist and has been living in New York with his wife Angel who was once married to my dad and once had a relationship with my Uncle Caleb.”
“Did she date any of your aunts?” Reid asked snidely.
“As far as I know, I’m the only gay or bi Snyder. This means that if you and I ever break up, you’re going to have to spend the rest of your life enduring non-Snyder sex.”
“A fate worse than death,” drawled Reid.
“Iva and Josh, who are not related by blood, had twin girls who were given up for adoption. Those babies are my mom and my late Aunt Rose.”
“Oh my God!” snorted Reid. “Your Aunt Iva is your grandmother and your mother is your cousin?”
“You could look at it that way if you ignored the fact that Iva and I are both adopted Snyders. And if you were a jerk with absolutely no sensitivity at all. Aunt Iva had a relationship with John Dixon and they have a son, my cousin M.J. John also dated Grandma Emma and was married to Grandmother, Carly and Kim Hughes and a couple of other women. Aunt Iva now lives in D.C. with her husband Jason Benedict. At one point, she was the adoptive mother of my older brother Aaron.” Luke said as he kept writing down names and drawing connecting lines.
“The family didn’t meet Aunt Rose until she and Mom were adults. Aunt Rose had given her daughter up for adoption and we didn’t meet her until a few years after Aunt Rose died. Jade actually came to town pretending to be my cousin but then it turned out that she really was my cousin. I sort of accidentally ended up with her as my beard for awhile but that was when we thought we weren’t cousins.”
“Would your family even care about something as mundane as cousin-dating?” Reid asked.
Luke ignored him as he continued to write down names and connect the names using different colored markers.
“My Mom’s been married a total of six times. Two of those times were to Good Dad and two were to Bad Dad. Once was to a guy named Derek Mason and once to a guy named Diego Santana. She and my dad have three bio kids, Faith, Natalie and Ethan.
“Aunt Ellie was married to a man named Kirk Anderson a couple of times but they’re divorced now. I’m only bringing him up at all so that I can mention that he also dated my Aunt Iva for awhile. Ellie lives in New York now.”
“I’m beginning to think that you’re just making up stuff at his point,” Reid accused. He glanced at Katie as she touched his arm.
“He’s actually simplifying a lot of things,” Katie gently explained to Reid as though she had to protect his delicate sensibilities from the intricacies of Snyder family relationships.
“Uncle Caleb lives in Seattle with his wife Julie who has two kids from a previous marriage, Pete and Jenny. Julie was once involved with my dad and is my brother Aaron’s mom. Aaron was mostly raised by Caleb and Julie,” Luke continued.
“When my dad was in high school, he was involved with Molly. Molly became pregnant with Abigail and put her up for adoption. The family didn’t meet Abigail until she was a teen. She now lives in L.A. In addition to my mom, Angel and Julie, my dad was also married to Emily Stewart.”
“My Aunt Meg has been married to four men. She was married to a man named Tonio Reyes who was once married to my Aunt Sierra. I’ll tell you more about Aunt Sierra some day when I create a Walsh family tree for your edification. Aunt Meg was also married to Josh. She was also married to Craig Montgomery who was also married to my Aunt Sierra. And she was married to Paul Ryan and they have a daughter Eliza. And she had an affair with Damian before and during his second marriage to my mom.
“And that is the Snyder Family Briar Patch . . .” Reid watched as Luke wrote down Reid’s name next to his own name. Then instead of connecting the boxes containing their names with a line, Luke drew a series of hearts connecting the boxes containing their names.
“You’re way too sappy to be 25% evil,” Reid told Luke.
“Yeah?” Luke murmured happily.
“Yeah. I’d put the percentage at no higher than 15%.”
Author: nancygrew
Rating: G
Summary: domestic scene with Luke, Reid, Katie and Doogie, spoiler-y but AU
Disclaimer: Characters are the property of ATWT. I'm just playing with them.
Reid arrived at Katie’s apartment shortly after five p.m. to find Chris Hughes lying on the couch wearing a pair of completely ridiculous bright yellow pajamas, Katie in the armchair holding her son Jacob while reading a book and Luke sitting at the kitchen table looking through binders of papers.
“Good evening, Baboon Heart,” Reid greeted Chris with a hard tap on the head as he passed him on his way to his boyfriend Luke.
“Don’t have a baboon heart,” groused Chris as he glared at Reid. “I would appreciate it if you would stop calling me that. When I was leaving the hospital this morning, I overheard one of the nurses tell one of the orderlies that my new heart is from a baboon.”
As Chris’ tender feelings were not a high priority with Reid, Reid ignored him. “Hey,” Reid said to Luke as he bent down to kiss him in greeting.
“Hey,” Luke whispered after the kiss while displaying the Oakdale-renowned Luke Snyder Grin of Goofy Happiness.
“What about me?” asked Katie while closing her eyes and making an exaggerated “kissy” face. Reid smirked at Chris and then much to Katie’s surprise walked over and gave her a loud smacking kiss on the lips.
“Thanks,” Katie laughed. “Just out of curiosity, where exactly on the Kinsey scale do you fall?”
“Alas, you’re just going to have to settle for fantasizing about Reid Oliver sexy times.” Reid sighed to Katie. “Anyone want a sandwich?”
“Supper’s in an hour.” Luke said while flipping through the pages of the binder he was currently reading.
“Plenty of time for a snack,” Reid replied while heading to the refrigerator. He opened the fridge and frowned upon viewing the contents. He opened the freezer and frowned harder. “I thought you were going grocery shopping today?”
“I did,” said Luke with a confused expression on his face. “The fridge is packed with food.”
“There’s no lunch meat, no frozen dinners, no food I ever actually eat.”
“That’s because we’re going to eat healthy in solidarity with Chris. There’s a bunch of stuff to snack on in there. Baby carrots, apples, yogurt . . .”
“I don’t remember voting on the rest of us having to change our lifestyles just because Baboon Heart is an idiot,” whined Reid.
“It’s understood that in the event that you’re not around to participate in a vote that Luke holds your proxy and can vote in your place,” Katie cheerfully informed Reid. She stood up and walked over to Reid and handed Jacob over to him. “Here, make yourself useful and play with Jacob while I get some work done.” Katie sat back down in the armchair and began reading her book again.
Reid sat down at the table next to Luke and jostled Jacob upon his thigh. The kid wasn’t a delicious feast of processed meat and cheeses but Reid was fond enough of him. “What are we having for supper?”
“Grilled chicken with braised pineapple, brown rice with dried apricots and steamed broccoli,” Luke informed Reid with an enthusiasm that most people reserved for things that weren’t grilled chicken with braised pineapple, brown rice with dried apricots and steamed broccoli. Luke didn’t notice the death glare that Reid shot in Chris’ direction but Chris did.
“What are you even doing here, Reid?” Chris snarled. “Katie said that you and Luke moved into the Walsh cottage the day after my surgery because you two didn’t want to waste anytime in seizing the day and being all Happily Ever After. Did Luke decide to kick you out already?”
“Since Luke is here with me, that’s a pretty moronic conclusion to jump to but it doesn’t surprise me that-ouch, that’s my knee, Luciano.”
“Recent heart transplant,” sing-songed Luke as he used a highlighter to mark something he was reading.
Reid sighed. He sighed as heavily as any man before him had ever sighed. “Luke and I are going to hang around for a few days to help take care of Katie and Jacob while Katie takes care of you,” explained Reid to Chris.
“You don’t have to do me any favors.”
“Hadn’t planned on it. I’m here for Katie and the kid.” Reid decided that he was now bored speaking with Chris and scooted his chair closer to Luke’s. He rubbed the hand that wasn’t holding Jacob along Luke’s thigh. “Are those plans for my cardio wing?”
“Hmmm?” Luke murmured distractedly. “Oh, no, this is all Grimaldi Shipping stuff. There’s a board meeting at the end of the month and I have to review the annual report, tax filings and blah, blah, blah so that I can pretend to know what’s going on. I’d like to prevent anyone at Grimaldi from using my inexperience as an excuse to commit fraud or to plot world-domination if it’s at all possible. Do you think it’ll be hard to teach myself international and maritime law in a couple of weeks?”
“Maybe a little,” Reid decided that he’d be a good boyfriend and let Luke study instead of trying to talk him into making out in front of Chris. He shifted Jacob to his hip as he stood up. He strode over to Katie and planted himself on the arm of the chair. “What are you reading?” he asked Katie.
Katie showed Reid the cover of the book. “It’s Seth’s new book. Since I’m interviewing him on Oakdale Now next week, I need to read his latest one.”
“Who’s Seth?”
Katie glanced at Luke before replying. “Seth Snyder. The author. Luke’s uncle. The guy who’s moving back to Oakdale with his wife to become a creative writing teacher at Oakdale University. The guy whose welcome home cook-out everyone in Oakdale, except Chris, is going to this weekend.”
Reid rolled his eyes. He looked at Luke who had been listening to the conversation and who had the gall to look not even the slightest bit guilty that he was about to convince Reid to attend yet another Snyder event which from Reid’s experience with Snyder events would most likely end in tears and recriminations. “Does the fact that you haven’t yet mentioned this cook-out to me mean that it’s not one of the mandatory Snyder gatherings that I have to attend in order to prove that my love for you is true and eternal?”
“The fact that I hadn’t mentioned it yet means that I’d decided that it’d be less annoying for both of us if I started giving you minimal grumbling time beforehand when requesting your delightful presence at family things.”
“I don’t grumble,” grumbled Reid.
“GRUMBLE, GRUMBLE, GRUMBLE. I’M THE FEROCIOUS REID-BEAST AND WILL BAKE YOU INTO MEAT PIES AND SELL THEM AT THE VILLAGE FAIR IF YOU ASK ME TO SOCIALIZE. GRUMBLE, GRUMBLE, GRUMBLE,” intoned Luke in a deep voice that would have made Darth Vader tremble in fear.
Reid decided to ignore the mockery of his so-called boyfriend and sat down on the floor with Jacob to play. He played with Jacob while Luke studied his binders and Katie read Seth’s novel. Reid didn’t so much as glance at Chris laying on the couch but he could feel Chris’ glare of jealousy boring a hole into the back of his skull while Jacob expressed his enormous feelings of love for Reid via giggling and cooing.
A short time later, Luke announced, “I am now officially taking a couple of hours off from being the Grimaldi heir,” He got up and gathered the binders. He took them into Reid’s former bedroom. When he came back out, he walked over to Reid and gave him a gentle kiss on the forehead as though Reid was a small child in need of cajoling. “Reid, will you come to the cook-out with me this weekend?”
“Grumble. Grumble. Grumble. Fine. Is Uncle Seth actually your uncle or is he one of those Snyders who is a second cousin twice removed with an honorary title of uncle?”
“Reid, it’s time to move our relationship to the next level,” Luke informed his boyfriend.
“Role-playing?” asked a little-too-enthusiastic Katie as she laid aside her book.
Luke clapped his hand over Reid’s mouth before he had a chance to let Katie know that role-playing had already been incorporated into their relationship. “No. Reid, I’m going to detail the Snyder family tree to you. Katie, do you have a paper grocery bag and a marker?”
“Yes!” Katie squealed in delight. “I’ve got the markers that smell really good,” Katie scurried from the living room leaving Reid to wonder if she was excited about genealogy or about sniffing markers. Katie returned from her bedroom carrying a dozen colored markers. She went into the kitchen and pulled a paper grocery bag from one of the cabinets. Luke held out his hand for Reid and hauled him up from the floor. He led Reid who was carrying Jacob to the kitchen table and patted Reid’s butt before pushing him into a chair. Reid didn’t really have an interest in learning about Luke’s Byzantine family connections but the pat on the butt served to temporarily placate him. Luke accepted the paper bag from Katie and tore it open in order to form one large flat piece of paper. He laid it down on the table and sat to Reid’s right. Katie pulled up a chair and sat to Luke’s right.
“Once upon a time, there were three Snyder brothers. Their names were Bert, Henry and Harvey,” Luke began. As Luke mentioned names, he neatly printed them on the paper and drew boxes around them. As he explained the various relationships, he drew lines between the boxes and used different colors in order to differentiate between the types of relationships. “Bert married Dolores and had two sons, Jacob better known as Jack and Brad. Jack has been married to five different women and-“
“Wait a minute. The cop with the Dudley Do-Right attitude has been married five times?” asked Reid.
“No,” said Luke. “Jack has been married six times to a total of five women. And you will definitely want to hold off on the surprised interjections until my family tree gets a lot weirder than this or it’s going to take a long time to finish explaining the magic that is the Snyder family tree. Jack’s been married to Julia Lindsey, Carly Tenney, Julia Larrabee, Katie Peretti and Janet Ciccone. He was married and divorced twice from Carly. He-“
“Hold on,” Reid interrupted. He looked at Katie. “You’re Katie Peretti,” Katie nodded. “So, you were married to brothers?” Katie nodded.
“Once you’ve had Snyder lovin’, it’s tough to settle for less,” Luke gleefully informed Reid. Katie nodded.
“Hey! I’m lying like five feet away from you,” whined Chris.
“I’m just joking, sweetie,” said Katie while Reid snorted.
“She also tried to seduce my dad once,” Luke told Reid. Katie nodded when Reid looked at her questioningly.
“I’m still lying right here guys.”
“Some people become all Grumpy McCrankypants when they get organ transplants,” stage-whispered Luke to Reid and Katie. “Anyway, Jack and Carly have three kids, Parker, JJ and Sage. Parker’s biological father is the former chief of police Hal Munson who passed away a few years ago. JJ’s biological parents were Julia Larrabee and her ex-husband. Janet is currently married to Jack and is carrying his baby but Jack is dating Carly again and Janet is dating Dusty Donovan. Dusty was my Mom’s first boyfriend and had an affair with her later on when she was married to my dad. He also dated my Aunt Rose for awhile. I’ll be mentioning dating histories if I think they’re relevant to your understanding of Greater Snyderdom but I won’t write them down on the family tree unless they result in marriage and/or offspring.”
“I cannot tell you how much I appreciate that,” Reid said dryly as he watched Luke draw asterisks next to Parker’s and JJ’s names and made notations regarding biological relationships.
“Brad had a teenage relationship with Janet which resulted in Liberty who was once married to Parker,” as Luke was drawing a line between Liberty and Parker’s names Reid interrupted again.
“They’re cousins! Incestuous cousins. And also they’re twelve.”
“They’re not biologically related. You’re really going to want to bear in mind that’s it’s not technically incest if one of the people involved is adopted. And they’re not twelve. They’re only a few years younger than me. Now, Brad’s been married to Carly and Katie and-“as Luke was drawing lines between Brad’s name and Carly’s and Brad’s name and Katie’s Reid once again felt that it was imperative to interrupt Luke.
“So, not only did Katie marry Snyder brothers but so did Carly?” asked Reid incredulously.
“Snyder lovin’,” Luke sing-songed. “Carly also had an affair with my dad once when he was still married to my mom. And please trust me when I tell you that you do not want to keep interrupting until the family tree starts to get complicated.”
“You don’t have a family tree. You have a family briar patch.”
“Anyway,” Luke continued as he ignored Reid’s rude interruption, “Brad was Katie’s co-host on Oakdale Now and they had the beautiful baby who is currently chewing on your fist.
“The second Snyder brother, Henry, married Elizabeth and they had a son Josh. Only Josh wasn’t Henry’s biological son. This is a really important distinction to bear in mind for later. Josh’s biological dad was Cal Strickland who back then went by the name Rod Landry.”
“Wait. Cal Strickland of Strickland Oil?”
“Yeah.”
“So one side of your family are wealthy Maltese mobsters, one of your grandmothers is Lucinda Walsh of Walsh Enterprises and Worldwide Industries, and your biological uncle once removed is Cal Strickland of Strickland Oil?”
“Sort of. I’ll explain more about Cal once we get to my Aunt Iva on the family tree. And Grimaldis aren’t technically mobsters. Some Grimaldis may have some ties to organized crime. Damian is only about 50% evil which means that I’m no more than 25% evil.”
“So how incredibly filthy rich are you?” asked Reid ignoring the part where his boyfriend was confessing to being up to 25% evil.
“One doesn’t discuss money,” Luke replied haughtily. “Anyway, Cal didn’t know he had a son until he came back to Oakdale when Josh was an adult. Cal and Josh both live in Waco now where they run Strickland Oil.
“The third Snyder brother, Harvey, married my grandma Emma. In addition to running the farm, Grandma Emma occasionally writes steamy romance novels. Emma and Harvey had six kids. Seth, Iva, Ellie, Caleb, Holden, and Meg. Seth is a novelist and has been living in New York with his wife Angel who was once married to my dad and once had a relationship with my Uncle Caleb.”
“Did she date any of your aunts?” Reid asked snidely.
“As far as I know, I’m the only gay or bi Snyder. This means that if you and I ever break up, you’re going to have to spend the rest of your life enduring non-Snyder sex.”
“A fate worse than death,” drawled Reid.
“Iva and Josh, who are not related by blood, had twin girls who were given up for adoption. Those babies are my mom and my late Aunt Rose.”
“Oh my God!” snorted Reid. “Your Aunt Iva is your grandmother and your mother is your cousin?”
“You could look at it that way if you ignored the fact that Iva and I are both adopted Snyders. And if you were a jerk with absolutely no sensitivity at all. Aunt Iva had a relationship with John Dixon and they have a son, my cousin M.J. John also dated Grandma Emma and was married to Grandmother, Carly and Kim Hughes and a couple of other women. Aunt Iva now lives in D.C. with her husband Jason Benedict. At one point, she was the adoptive mother of my older brother Aaron.” Luke said as he kept writing down names and drawing connecting lines.
“The family didn’t meet Aunt Rose until she and Mom were adults. Aunt Rose had given her daughter up for adoption and we didn’t meet her until a few years after Aunt Rose died. Jade actually came to town pretending to be my cousin but then it turned out that she really was my cousin. I sort of accidentally ended up with her as my beard for awhile but that was when we thought we weren’t cousins.”
“Would your family even care about something as mundane as cousin-dating?” Reid asked.
Luke ignored him as he continued to write down names and connect the names using different colored markers.
“My Mom’s been married a total of six times. Two of those times were to Good Dad and two were to Bad Dad. Once was to a guy named Derek Mason and once to a guy named Diego Santana. She and my dad have three bio kids, Faith, Natalie and Ethan.
“Aunt Ellie was married to a man named Kirk Anderson a couple of times but they’re divorced now. I’m only bringing him up at all so that I can mention that he also dated my Aunt Iva for awhile. Ellie lives in New York now.”
“I’m beginning to think that you’re just making up stuff at his point,” Reid accused. He glanced at Katie as she touched his arm.
“He’s actually simplifying a lot of things,” Katie gently explained to Reid as though she had to protect his delicate sensibilities from the intricacies of Snyder family relationships.
“Uncle Caleb lives in Seattle with his wife Julie who has two kids from a previous marriage, Pete and Jenny. Julie was once involved with my dad and is my brother Aaron’s mom. Aaron was mostly raised by Caleb and Julie,” Luke continued.
“When my dad was in high school, he was involved with Molly. Molly became pregnant with Abigail and put her up for adoption. The family didn’t meet Abigail until she was a teen. She now lives in L.A. In addition to my mom, Angel and Julie, my dad was also married to Emily Stewart.”
“My Aunt Meg has been married to four men. She was married to a man named Tonio Reyes who was once married to my Aunt Sierra. I’ll tell you more about Aunt Sierra some day when I create a Walsh family tree for your edification. Aunt Meg was also married to Josh. She was also married to Craig Montgomery who was also married to my Aunt Sierra. And she was married to Paul Ryan and they have a daughter Eliza. And she had an affair with Damian before and during his second marriage to my mom.
“And that is the Snyder Family Briar Patch . . .” Reid watched as Luke wrote down Reid’s name next to his own name. Then instead of connecting the boxes containing their names with a line, Luke drew a series of hearts connecting the boxes containing their names.
“You’re way too sappy to be 25% evil,” Reid told Luke.
“Yeah?” Luke murmured happily.
“Yeah. I’d put the percentage at no higher than 15%.”