Constellations of Love
Title: Constellations of Love
Rating: pg
Pairing: Lay//Luhan gen fic[Spoiler (click to open)](mentions of past Lay//Zishan)
Warnings: brief mentions of minor non-exo character death and terminal illness
Disclaimer: I don't own anything, written just for fun.
Summary: Lu Han never expected to meet another guy his age at a TVXQ concert, but sometimes dreams really do come true.
A/N: written for Orange Unicorns, the Zhang Yixing fic collection 2015! Story idea loosely based on this fan account
The house lights are down and Lu Han is thrumming in the dark auditorium, his fingers drumming a steady rhythm into the armrest of his theater style seat. The excitement feels bigger in the dark. It makes no sense when he tries to explain it to his best friend at the office, Minseok, but he feels it creep up through the layers of his flesh and invade his soul at every concert. It's as if with the light banished, only the glow of lightsticks and the pinpricks of spotlights above the stage eating into the velvet darkness, the emotion has more space, another dimension to expand and grow.
It's incredible to meet another fan anywhere, to meet eyes with someone who understands an important part of his happiness and motivation and nod and smile and know he's definitely not alone. It's on an entirely different level to be sucked into the swirl of a packed auditorium dense with other Cassies from all over the world.
Lu Han's not the average concert attendee of course, pushing fifty though he often gets mistaken for a college student in his loose T-shirt and cargo shorts, bangs left fluffy and air dried over his forehead. He never feels anything but welcome here though, he really feels alive, feeding off the energy of the crowd and letting his heart and voice soak back into the stream of love and loyalty flowing through the concert hall.
He's been to many concerts, but it never gets old, the feeling of lighting up the dark with his love never fades into complacency. And Yunho and Changmin haven't even made it onto stage yet. Lu Han hoots with an excited laugh at the thought of seeing them in person again, fanning his sweat away from his chest by tugging at the hem of his official fan club shirt.
"Oh my god, I love Yunho oppa!" the teenage girl in the seat next to him sobs into the edge of the light up poster board sign clutched in her trembling hands.
"Oh my god, me too!" Lu Han blurts out to her, forgetting to be careful on the surge of his feelings. It'll be ok though, no one will remember his face or his words once they leave the concert and the magic electricity leeches out from their limbs with the last of their emotional energy.
The girl doesn't seem to care anyway, or maybe she thinks he's female, because she leans over to hug him, crushing the sign between their chests. Lu Han hugs her back for a few seconds, then releases her with a friendly pat on the back. She's about the age of Minseok's oldest daughter, maybe in the third year of middle school or just starting high school. She's cute, sparkly red ties pulling her hair back into pigtails that droop over her ears.
Lu Han settles back in his seat and tries not to bounce too much. He's practiced all the choreography for the songs on the leaked setlist, practiced and practiced in the narrow space in his living room between the coffee table and his Taozi's litter box. His cat had hissed at him whenever he got too energetic on the stamps in the "Keep Your Head Down" choreo and jostled Taozi's perch on the coffee table, but Lu Han's ready to let loose tonight. There isn't much space in the narrow rows of seats but Lu Han is ready to let his inner star shine as part of the ruby red constellation in the concert hall tonight.
He resists the urge to check his phone, trying to soak up as much of the ambiance as he can while it lasts. It's got to be almost time for the show to start, but shows always start late anyway. The hysteric screams that pierce through the roaring curtain of excited voices calm his nerves, as ironic as that might be. He doesn't feel a need to scream--not yet--but the reminder that can if he wants to is reassuring and empowering, lighting up the flow of self confidence through his system in a recharging cycle that will sustain for days and weeks after the concert is over, more personal and more centering than something as basic and logical as endorphins.
The girl on his left--Lu Han has already dubbed her Firecracker Fangirl in his head because of the sparkly red hairpieces--isn't the only one who brought a fan sign supportive banner with them. Lu Han himself is armed with two light sticks, one from the first TVXQ concert he attended (the second to last show on Secret Code tour he flew to Japan for on a weekend whim) and a fresh one he ordered in preparation for tonight. He's surrounded on all sides by an ocean, light sticks swaying in the warmth of the dark like phosphorescent plankton awash on waves of love.
There are only a few empty spots dotting the packed auditorium, including the seat to Lu Han's right. Hopefully it's just a nervous teen stuck waiting in line for the bathroom mirror to make sure her hair looks perfect in case her oppas see her. He really hopes it isn't a fan who comes in late, pushing down the row in the middle of an important ment or historic fan service moment.
He doesn't have to wait too much longer though. He sighs in instinctive relief as his row starts to rise in a wave, a head bobbing down the line as the new arrival makes their way to the spot beside Lu Han.
"Uh, good evening." A gruff voice and the still nodding head greet Lu Han before the man pushes past the last obstacle between him and his seat. He plops down into his chair, jarring Lu Han's hand from the armrest.
Lu Han has day dreamed of meeting another fan boy at a concert before, but he never expected to actually end up sitting next to another dude in the audience, and he definitely hadn't let himself get his hopes up about it tonight. Good thing too, Lu Han thinks as he gives the guy a once over, noting the gray streaks that striate his dark hair at the temples and the three piece suit. This guy looks like he accidentally wandered into the concert hall after getting lost from his conference room in COEX. Even if he strips of his suit coat he's going to be sweating like Yunho after an encore performance of "Rising Sun" before anyone in the crowd starts dancing.
"This is row...right?" The man's voice gets lost in the echo of a high pitched scream. He jerks against his seat, sending a painful jar up Lu Han's spine once again.
This is going to be a long night, Lu Han thinks with a sigh, but he nods because the numbers on the ticket the man holds out to him match the row and string of seats on Lu Han's ticket. This man is definitely the owner of the seat space next to him.
The man slumps forward with a sigh of relief at Lu Han's nod, the majority of his tension sloughing off his taut posture. He rolls his shoulders once, the square corners of his suit jacket softening like fingerprints pressed into an overripe peach and Lu Han can tell from the lines creasing his face in pulsing winces that he's just as anxious as a moment ago.
It's clear from the way he bites at his bottom lip--the man next to him doesn't want to be here. Lu Han tries his best not to visibly bristle at the affront that jolts through his stomach, and unpleasant contrast to the streams of pleasure and anticipation that don't halt but definitely slow in their stream through his nervous system.
"Hey, do you know these--these member?" The man is still holding out the ticket, the perforated edge pinched between his thumb and forefinger like a receipt he's about to crumple up and discard on the way out of a convenience store. Lu Han wrinkles his nose at the implied disrespect. It takes two deep breaths to swallow down the reprimand rising in his mouth.
"Of course I know the members." Lu Han shakes the light sticks in his hand for emphasis. The man just blinks at them before glancing up to look at Lu Han again with parted lips. The pinch of his fingers tighten, his thumb nail creasing the slick printed paper of the ticket a smidge, and Lu Han rocks forward with the thrill of nauseated rage.
Don't you know how precious that ticket is, how many fans would sell anything for a chance to be a part of the ocean of love tonight, he wants to blurt, but he bites down on his lip instead. He doesn't want to start a fight here. He knows how small comments can spiral out of control when everyone's wound up and saturated in the intensity of their compounded emotions.
"Which one is Yunho?"
Lu Han starts to laugh, a tinge more offended that this guy is trying to get smart with him, but then the man just blinks again. Lu Han realizes with a rush of goosebumps as he watches the other man wet his lips with a nervous swipe of his tongue.
"You honestly don't know?" Lu Han is still slightly offended that he wouldn't do his research to at least learn the faces of the artists he'd come to see perform tonight, though that reaction gets drowned out by the surprise that smacks him like a slap to the face.
True, Lu Han is a die hard Cassie and his beloved idols pop out at him as if outlined in neon red every time he sees an endorsement or overhears a hint of their voices on the radio. Still, it's unfathomable to him that an average Korean citizen wouldn't recognize the features of Asia's gods from the east. That's like not recognizing the president's smile on the evening news, or not knowing what vanilla ice cream tastes like. Unforgivable, but also unreal.
"No, I don't. I'm sorry, I'm--" The man breaks off with a curse, inaudible competing against the noise levels that already have Lu Han's cochleas and the base of his neck throbbing with the reverberating decibels.
Lu Han understands it though, catching the familiar shape of his lips out of the corner of his eye. "You speak--Mandarin?" The question comes out with a stutter, syllables bit awkward on Lu Han's tongue because his brain has been echoing with nothing but Korean lyrics for days now and his emotional center of gravity keeps shifting in the wake of this man's field force.
"Oh yeah, I'm from Changsha. I'm...Yixing," he says, the first part of his name getting lost in the noise lapping at Lu Han's ears on an incoming tide of sound. The lights above the stage have started dancing to welcome the stars of the show, the stars in Lu Han's heaven.
"I'm Lu Han," Lu Han says. "Beijinger turned Seoul native some fifteen years ago."
"Ah," Yixing nods in understanding, lips spreading in a cautious smile though Lu Han has no idea how much of his introduction he was able to make out over the noise. "I live here too. But just for over ten years."
"That's a long time." Lu Han's words fall from his mouth without much thought. He's distracted by the spinning lights splashing the stage in a kaleidoscope effect of liquid color, but he keeps his body angled to the right, head bowed near Yixing's face to hear the trickle of words as they fall from his mouth. Lu Han would be lying if he said he wasn't intrigued by this oddball of a possibly-not-a-fan, just as out of place in the crowd as Lu Han feels at home here.
"Is this your first TVXQ concert?" Lu Han asks, then suppresses a laugh at his thoughtlessness, because he's 99% sure Yixing has never been to a Kpop concert period, much less for the group he couldn't even recognize the leader's face of.
"Mm, yeah." Yixing shifts in his seat, the tailored seams at his shoulders pulling taut when he yanks his posture back to attention. “Actually, my wife bought this ticket. She got a deal because she's a member of--Calliope? What's the name of the fan club?"
"Cassiopeia," Lu Han huffs with a click of his tongue.
"Sorry." Yixing ducks his head, not in apology but to watch as he traces his thumb over the printed rendition of Yunho's smile emblazoned on his ticket. "Zishan told me before, but I could never keep her biases straight. I should've learned by know though, this was her...first group, and all and...couldn't make it, so I came in her place tonight."
Lu Han nods along, trying not to let it frustrate him that he can't catch all of the words in Yixing's story. He doesn't even want to think about the fact that Yixing's wife, official Cassie or no, gave her husband her irreplaceable ticket instead of giving another devoted fan the chance to attend.
"Oh--!" Fuck. Lu Han stutters again, his tongue frozen in linguistic and existential crisis when Yunho and Changmin finally dance their way to center stage, limbs flowing and pumping to the beat of the music from opposite wings to converge in formation. The center spotlight floods their features in silhouette like the wash of happiness crashing through Lu Han. He chokes on a sob, tongue frustrated because he's sitting between a Korean and a Mandarin native speaker and he's still in control of his impulses enough to hold back the fond curses filling up his mouth and leaking from the inner corners of his eyes.
"Fuck," Yixing says aloud for him, a rough whisper in accented Mandarin and Lu Han whimpers back the same word in reply. His resentment against this ignorant attendee is warring with an infinite gratitude that he can let loose in his heart language in front of someone who understands but won't judge him--well, won't judge him for his language, anyway. Lu Han honestly doesn't know how Yixing will react to seeing another middle aged man screaming and dancing out his heart beside him.
But hey, Lu Han honestly doesn't care. He came here for Yunho and Changmin and the feeling of flying free on the harmonies of thousands of united souls, and Lu Han isn't going to let one person bring him down.
"Is that...Yunho over...?"
Lu Han's head snaps back to face Yixing when warm fingers tug on the sleeve of his T shirt. "See the the one who moves like a hurricane of chocolate fondue? Thick and fast and so smooth--! That's Yunho. God, so--!" Lu Han is grinning and he knows he must look like an idiot but he can't stop shaking his head in time to the tumble of synth pounding into his skull through the speakers. The excitement is incarnate in the concrete beneath the thin soles of his sneakers and his bones are on fire with life.
"Do you...these lyrics...? I have no...listened."
"Ah this one's such a great song!" Lu Han bounces on heels, yelling along to the chorus of "Something" as yellow lights cut across the stage like laser beams that the two dancers on stage bend and hurtle through to the syncopated pulse of the back beat.
"My wife really...this song! She said it..." Yixing says. He's massaging Lu Han's shoulder now, as if he doesn't know what to do with his hands but can't keep still. Lu Han doesn't blame him, unabashed in his hyper bouncing.
He has no idea how to tap dance, but he mimics Changmin's jazz lunges in the narrow strip of space he's trapped in by the seats in front of him. Yixing's grip on his shoulder isn't annoying, so he doesn't bother to shake him off. Yixing rolls his body along to the melody, a mellow imitation of Lu Han's exaggerated rendition of the choreography but melding into the movement with the ease of someone with a dancer's instinct.
Lu Han doesn't slow down until they transition into a ballad a few tracks later, chest heaving as he falls into the man beside him. Yixing doesn't flinch away, he just flops his arm in a loose hold around Lu Han's shoulders and pants in time to the thundering of Lu Han's heartbeat.
"What's the name of this song?" Yixing's whisper is clear, mouthed right into Lu Han's ear. Lu Han's neck twitches with the tingle his warm breath sparks on his skin but he doesn't mind the proximity. Lu Han feels the last twinges of resentment melt away as Yixing hums along to the ballad, adding a third line of harmony to the duet pouring from the sound system.
It might not mean much or anything at all to Yixing, but Lu Han feels like they've bonded, dancing along to the songs Lu Han could sing in his sleep and Yixing can only understand snatches of for the past hour. "Mm, this is "Baby Don't--""
"--"Don't Cry"," Yixing finishes in a sob that Lu Han can feel echo through his chest. "Sorry, I--this was Zizi's favorite song near the end..."
"Hey," it's ok, Lu Han wants murmur as he strokes careful fingers through Yixing's hair. He can feel the warning signs of impending tears burning at the back of his throat and in the pit of his stomach, but Lu Han never cries in public. Not even for Yunho oppa.
Yixing's head hits Lu Han's shoulder, just a gentle brush until a soft touch from Lu Han's fingers at his temple pull him closer and he settles with a shaky sigh, breath still warm against Lu Han's neck.
"...listened to it every night together before I left the hospital," Yixing says, his voice sticky with unshed tears. Lu Han can hear his voice clearer than ever, the tones vibrating into his chest and up into his ears.
"Oh..." Lu Han can't tear his eyes away from the mournful glow on Changmin's face, the way the tendons in his neck stand out when he sustains his high notes with effortless lifts of his voice. The swirl of emotion is his heart is beating in time with Yixing's shuddering breaths though, in counterpoint to the rhythm pulsing in the air around them. It doesn't feel off, though. Lu Han can feel the layers of his sympathy and his fighting spirit echoing in a complex fugue of feelings and memories as Yixing weeps grief into the collar of his T-shirt.
Lu Han can feel Zishan's presence beside them, can feel the outline of her smile pressed against his cheek though he has no idea what she even looks like. It'll sound absolutely ridiculous when he tries to explain the experience to Minseok on Monday when he asks with an eyebrow wiggle how the concert was. Maybe Lu Han will just smile and say, 'good'.
He pulls Yixing in closer, his chest leaning into Lu Han's side til he can feel every breath expand against his own lungs. "Is she...is she still in the hospital? Is that why...?" Lu Han feels a trickle of cold guilt, salty with regret, slide down the back of his throat, gilding his gut like quicksilver on the way down. When Yixing had said he was coming in his wife's place, Lu Han had never considered the possibility that she might have asked him to, that he might have braved the crush of a crowd roaring for something he didn't even understand out of love for someone who wanted to be there but couldn't make it in person.
"Mm, no." Yixing shifts his head against Lu Han's shoulder in a slight shake and Lu Han ruffles his hair with a burst of emotion going off like a firecracker in his gut. "She came home from the oncology clinic two months ago. I visit her grave every weekend."
Lu Han doesn't have words to express, to counteract, the cold grief that seals his sympathy into Yixing's as he meshes their fingers together in a tight grip.
"I bring her her favorite lattes and update her on fanboard news. Sometimes I play...fancams if no one's...and, yeah."
The heartfelt strains of the "Sakuramichi" medley blend into the uplifting melody of "Hug", and Lu Han cradles Yixing to his chest. He might be the only dry eyed fan in the audience by this point, but Lu Han's insides are melting all over the place, dissolved in a force of empathy of and amazement by the echoes of Yixing's soft voice and an even more overwhelming realization of what he's always believed in--the power of music and love for TVXQ manifested in a common expression in this space to draw hearts together, allowing souls to soar and heal and bond in a way Lu Han will never be able to explain to anyone in words, not even another die hard Cassie.
But maybe Yixing understands what he's feeling when he raises their heads and their eyes meet--Lu Han's heart throbs with the hope that his new friend understands, and he laughs aloud when Yixing smiles and nods, wiping away his own tears.
The hollow drumbeat of "Rising Sun" starts to echo across the auditorium and Lu Han roars with the rising voice of the crowd. "Here!" He grabs Yixing's hand, yanking it away from the hold in the waist of his T-shirt to press his Secret Code light stick into his hand. Yixing accepts the stick with a bewildered blink and Lu Han fumbles to switch it on with impatient fingers.
The muscle memory of the ingrained choreo is aching in his limbs to be danced out. He drops his hands from Yixing's when the light stick flutters to life. He rations his use of his first fan good, only turning it on for special moments, but tonight is definitely a special moment. The red bleeds into full glow a moment later as Yixing follows Lu Han's lead, bending his body to the powerful beat and making up a new dance as he goes.
Lu Han's laughter bubbles into the notes streaming from his throat as he watches Yixing dance. The red cylinder in his fist illuminates his features with the light of a secret sunrise, and Lu Han can't look away, even though he's been looking forward to watching Yunho and Changmin sweat and scream their way through this number for weeks.
The high of feelings lifting Lu Han's limbs on the surf of red light doesn't fade from his heart, even as the music flows in and out through the rest of the songs on the setlist, ending with a few slower--though no less emotional--ballads at the very end. Yixing keeps one arm looped around Lu Han's waist as he laughs along through the final VCR and ment, Lu Han translating the meaning of each inside joke and painful allusion to fandom history as best as he can.
"Wow," Yixing whispers in Lu Han's ear as they wave goodbye to Firecracker Fangirl, the rows emptying like the fallout of sparks from a weeping willow firework now that the show has finished in a tearful song of thankfulness and love shared between the idols and their fans.
The tears and the gratitude are far from over, though. "Wow," Lu Han nods, his head cradled against Yixing's shoulder now as they merge into the crowd heading for the exits. He's not going to forget tonight, the tapestry of harmonies and shared stories bonded to the threads of his soul with infrared heat.
"Zi really wanted to attend this concert, because Yunho said that this might be the last one for awhile, you know."
Lu Han nodded and found Yixing's fingers with his hand again, comforted by the continuing glow of their light sticks bobbing in the crowd.
“I knew how much their hard work and dedication to their music meant to my wife, but I never comprehended... What kind of struggles have these two men gone through? Burning up life force on stage to hold this concert. They were shining tonight, weren't they?"
"They're really stars," Lu Han nods along, swallowing down the ache and warmth knotting up his throat as he sways against Yixing's chest in the slow movement of the river of fans. "They shine with contentment as long as everyone who came to support them shares their happiness."
"Yeah, I--I didn't understand it when I was a kid, why this--this kind of fandom has such a positive and touching force, but--" Lu Han sucks in a shaky breath, surprised that he's actually trying to explain his inner response to a concert to someone--but then he remembers that Yixing isn't Minseok, Yixing experienced the same moment alongside him tonight. "I understand it more each time I come to concert, but tonight!" Lu Han laughs, his face glowing with warmth when Yixing's answering laughter echoes into him.
"Tonight is amazing," Yixing says in his ear. "I will tell my wife how stunning Yunho and Changmin are, and the enthusiasm of the fans. I finally understand why Zi said she loved this atmosphere.”
Yixing hiccups out a forceful sob and Lu Han shifts in his embrace to hug him chest to chest. "You better keep my light stick, ok? Bring it to Zishan and tell her to keep good care of it. It's from the second-to-last time TVXQ stood on stage as five."
"Ok," Yixing chokes out with an earnest nod, though Lu Han doesn't even know if he knew there were more than two original members. The light in Yixing's eyes assures him down to the deep waters of his soul that Yixing will protect the light stick like a treasure, regardless.
They walk through the exit into the balmy evening air, heading for the parking lot hand in hand and Lu Han doesn't care who sees them do it. When Minseok asks on Monday how his weekend was Lu Han will just insist on dragging him to the next concert. Minseok can sit on Lu Han's left and Yixing on Lu Han's right and it will be awesome. TVXQ concerts always are, so Lu Han has no doubt Minseok will become the next convert and join the constellation of souls united in the love of heart changing harmony.
He can't be more amazed by the gift of friendship he's been blessed with in the form of Yixing, and he can't wait to introduce him to rest of fandom.
Rating: pg
Pairing: Lay//Luhan gen fic[Spoiler (click to open)](mentions of past Lay//Zishan)
Warnings: brief mentions of minor non-exo character death and terminal illness
Disclaimer: I don't own anything, written just for fun.
Summary: Lu Han never expected to meet another guy his age at a TVXQ concert, but sometimes dreams really do come true.
A/N: written for Orange Unicorns, the Zhang Yixing fic collection 2015! Story idea loosely based on this fan account
The house lights are down and Lu Han is thrumming in the dark auditorium, his fingers drumming a steady rhythm into the armrest of his theater style seat. The excitement feels bigger in the dark. It makes no sense when he tries to explain it to his best friend at the office, Minseok, but he feels it creep up through the layers of his flesh and invade his soul at every concert. It's as if with the light banished, only the glow of lightsticks and the pinpricks of spotlights above the stage eating into the velvet darkness, the emotion has more space, another dimension to expand and grow.
It's incredible to meet another fan anywhere, to meet eyes with someone who understands an important part of his happiness and motivation and nod and smile and know he's definitely not alone. It's on an entirely different level to be sucked into the swirl of a packed auditorium dense with other Cassies from all over the world.
Lu Han's not the average concert attendee of course, pushing fifty though he often gets mistaken for a college student in his loose T-shirt and cargo shorts, bangs left fluffy and air dried over his forehead. He never feels anything but welcome here though, he really feels alive, feeding off the energy of the crowd and letting his heart and voice soak back into the stream of love and loyalty flowing through the concert hall.
He's been to many concerts, but it never gets old, the feeling of lighting up the dark with his love never fades into complacency. And Yunho and Changmin haven't even made it onto stage yet. Lu Han hoots with an excited laugh at the thought of seeing them in person again, fanning his sweat away from his chest by tugging at the hem of his official fan club shirt.
"Oh my god, I love Yunho oppa!" the teenage girl in the seat next to him sobs into the edge of the light up poster board sign clutched in her trembling hands.
"Oh my god, me too!" Lu Han blurts out to her, forgetting to be careful on the surge of his feelings. It'll be ok though, no one will remember his face or his words once they leave the concert and the magic electricity leeches out from their limbs with the last of their emotional energy.
The girl doesn't seem to care anyway, or maybe she thinks he's female, because she leans over to hug him, crushing the sign between their chests. Lu Han hugs her back for a few seconds, then releases her with a friendly pat on the back. She's about the age of Minseok's oldest daughter, maybe in the third year of middle school or just starting high school. She's cute, sparkly red ties pulling her hair back into pigtails that droop over her ears.
Lu Han settles back in his seat and tries not to bounce too much. He's practiced all the choreography for the songs on the leaked setlist, practiced and practiced in the narrow space in his living room between the coffee table and his Taozi's litter box. His cat had hissed at him whenever he got too energetic on the stamps in the "Keep Your Head Down" choreo and jostled Taozi's perch on the coffee table, but Lu Han's ready to let loose tonight. There isn't much space in the narrow rows of seats but Lu Han is ready to let his inner star shine as part of the ruby red constellation in the concert hall tonight.
He resists the urge to check his phone, trying to soak up as much of the ambiance as he can while it lasts. It's got to be almost time for the show to start, but shows always start late anyway. The hysteric screams that pierce through the roaring curtain of excited voices calm his nerves, as ironic as that might be. He doesn't feel a need to scream--not yet--but the reminder that can if he wants to is reassuring and empowering, lighting up the flow of self confidence through his system in a recharging cycle that will sustain for days and weeks after the concert is over, more personal and more centering than something as basic and logical as endorphins.
The girl on his left--Lu Han has already dubbed her Firecracker Fangirl in his head because of the sparkly red hairpieces--isn't the only one who brought a fan sign supportive banner with them. Lu Han himself is armed with two light sticks, one from the first TVXQ concert he attended (the second to last show on Secret Code tour he flew to Japan for on a weekend whim) and a fresh one he ordered in preparation for tonight. He's surrounded on all sides by an ocean, light sticks swaying in the warmth of the dark like phosphorescent plankton awash on waves of love.
There are only a few empty spots dotting the packed auditorium, including the seat to Lu Han's right. Hopefully it's just a nervous teen stuck waiting in line for the bathroom mirror to make sure her hair looks perfect in case her oppas see her. He really hopes it isn't a fan who comes in late, pushing down the row in the middle of an important ment or historic fan service moment.
He doesn't have to wait too much longer though. He sighs in instinctive relief as his row starts to rise in a wave, a head bobbing down the line as the new arrival makes their way to the spot beside Lu Han.
"Uh, good evening." A gruff voice and the still nodding head greet Lu Han before the man pushes past the last obstacle between him and his seat. He plops down into his chair, jarring Lu Han's hand from the armrest.
Lu Han has day dreamed of meeting another fan boy at a concert before, but he never expected to actually end up sitting next to another dude in the audience, and he definitely hadn't let himself get his hopes up about it tonight. Good thing too, Lu Han thinks as he gives the guy a once over, noting the gray streaks that striate his dark hair at the temples and the three piece suit. This guy looks like he accidentally wandered into the concert hall after getting lost from his conference room in COEX. Even if he strips of his suit coat he's going to be sweating like Yunho after an encore performance of "Rising Sun" before anyone in the crowd starts dancing.
"This is row...right?" The man's voice gets lost in the echo of a high pitched scream. He jerks against his seat, sending a painful jar up Lu Han's spine once again.
This is going to be a long night, Lu Han thinks with a sigh, but he nods because the numbers on the ticket the man holds out to him match the row and string of seats on Lu Han's ticket. This man is definitely the owner of the seat space next to him.
The man slumps forward with a sigh of relief at Lu Han's nod, the majority of his tension sloughing off his taut posture. He rolls his shoulders once, the square corners of his suit jacket softening like fingerprints pressed into an overripe peach and Lu Han can tell from the lines creasing his face in pulsing winces that he's just as anxious as a moment ago.
It's clear from the way he bites at his bottom lip--the man next to him doesn't want to be here. Lu Han tries his best not to visibly bristle at the affront that jolts through his stomach, and unpleasant contrast to the streams of pleasure and anticipation that don't halt but definitely slow in their stream through his nervous system.
"Hey, do you know these--these member?" The man is still holding out the ticket, the perforated edge pinched between his thumb and forefinger like a receipt he's about to crumple up and discard on the way out of a convenience store. Lu Han wrinkles his nose at the implied disrespect. It takes two deep breaths to swallow down the reprimand rising in his mouth.
"Of course I know the members." Lu Han shakes the light sticks in his hand for emphasis. The man just blinks at them before glancing up to look at Lu Han again with parted lips. The pinch of his fingers tighten, his thumb nail creasing the slick printed paper of the ticket a smidge, and Lu Han rocks forward with the thrill of nauseated rage.
Don't you know how precious that ticket is, how many fans would sell anything for a chance to be a part of the ocean of love tonight, he wants to blurt, but he bites down on his lip instead. He doesn't want to start a fight here. He knows how small comments can spiral out of control when everyone's wound up and saturated in the intensity of their compounded emotions.
"Which one is Yunho?"
Lu Han starts to laugh, a tinge more offended that this guy is trying to get smart with him, but then the man just blinks again. Lu Han realizes with a rush of goosebumps as he watches the other man wet his lips with a nervous swipe of his tongue.
"You honestly don't know?" Lu Han is still slightly offended that he wouldn't do his research to at least learn the faces of the artists he'd come to see perform tonight, though that reaction gets drowned out by the surprise that smacks him like a slap to the face.
True, Lu Han is a die hard Cassie and his beloved idols pop out at him as if outlined in neon red every time he sees an endorsement or overhears a hint of their voices on the radio. Still, it's unfathomable to him that an average Korean citizen wouldn't recognize the features of Asia's gods from the east. That's like not recognizing the president's smile on the evening news, or not knowing what vanilla ice cream tastes like. Unforgivable, but also unreal.
"No, I don't. I'm sorry, I'm--" The man breaks off with a curse, inaudible competing against the noise levels that already have Lu Han's cochleas and the base of his neck throbbing with the reverberating decibels.
Lu Han understands it though, catching the familiar shape of his lips out of the corner of his eye. "You speak--Mandarin?" The question comes out with a stutter, syllables bit awkward on Lu Han's tongue because his brain has been echoing with nothing but Korean lyrics for days now and his emotional center of gravity keeps shifting in the wake of this man's field force.
"Oh yeah, I'm from Changsha. I'm...Yixing," he says, the first part of his name getting lost in the noise lapping at Lu Han's ears on an incoming tide of sound. The lights above the stage have started dancing to welcome the stars of the show, the stars in Lu Han's heaven.
"I'm Lu Han," Lu Han says. "Beijinger turned Seoul native some fifteen years ago."
"Ah," Yixing nods in understanding, lips spreading in a cautious smile though Lu Han has no idea how much of his introduction he was able to make out over the noise. "I live here too. But just for over ten years."
"That's a long time." Lu Han's words fall from his mouth without much thought. He's distracted by the spinning lights splashing the stage in a kaleidoscope effect of liquid color, but he keeps his body angled to the right, head bowed near Yixing's face to hear the trickle of words as they fall from his mouth. Lu Han would be lying if he said he wasn't intrigued by this oddball of a possibly-not-a-fan, just as out of place in the crowd as Lu Han feels at home here.
"Is this your first TVXQ concert?" Lu Han asks, then suppresses a laugh at his thoughtlessness, because he's 99% sure Yixing has never been to a Kpop concert period, much less for the group he couldn't even recognize the leader's face of.
"Mm, yeah." Yixing shifts in his seat, the tailored seams at his shoulders pulling taut when he yanks his posture back to attention. “Actually, my wife bought this ticket. She got a deal because she's a member of--Calliope? What's the name of the fan club?"
"Cassiopeia," Lu Han huffs with a click of his tongue.
"Sorry." Yixing ducks his head, not in apology but to watch as he traces his thumb over the printed rendition of Yunho's smile emblazoned on his ticket. "Zishan told me before, but I could never keep her biases straight. I should've learned by know though, this was her...first group, and all and...couldn't make it, so I came in her place tonight."
Lu Han nods along, trying not to let it frustrate him that he can't catch all of the words in Yixing's story. He doesn't even want to think about the fact that Yixing's wife, official Cassie or no, gave her husband her irreplaceable ticket instead of giving another devoted fan the chance to attend.
"Oh--!" Fuck. Lu Han stutters again, his tongue frozen in linguistic and existential crisis when Yunho and Changmin finally dance their way to center stage, limbs flowing and pumping to the beat of the music from opposite wings to converge in formation. The center spotlight floods their features in silhouette like the wash of happiness crashing through Lu Han. He chokes on a sob, tongue frustrated because he's sitting between a Korean and a Mandarin native speaker and he's still in control of his impulses enough to hold back the fond curses filling up his mouth and leaking from the inner corners of his eyes.
"Fuck," Yixing says aloud for him, a rough whisper in accented Mandarin and Lu Han whimpers back the same word in reply. His resentment against this ignorant attendee is warring with an infinite gratitude that he can let loose in his heart language in front of someone who understands but won't judge him--well, won't judge him for his language, anyway. Lu Han honestly doesn't know how Yixing will react to seeing another middle aged man screaming and dancing out his heart beside him.
But hey, Lu Han honestly doesn't care. He came here for Yunho and Changmin and the feeling of flying free on the harmonies of thousands of united souls, and Lu Han isn't going to let one person bring him down.
"Is that...Yunho over...?"
Lu Han's head snaps back to face Yixing when warm fingers tug on the sleeve of his T shirt. "See the the one who moves like a hurricane of chocolate fondue? Thick and fast and so smooth--! That's Yunho. God, so--!" Lu Han is grinning and he knows he must look like an idiot but he can't stop shaking his head in time to the tumble of synth pounding into his skull through the speakers. The excitement is incarnate in the concrete beneath the thin soles of his sneakers and his bones are on fire with life.
"Do you...these lyrics...? I have no...listened."
"Ah this one's such a great song!" Lu Han bounces on heels, yelling along to the chorus of "Something" as yellow lights cut across the stage like laser beams that the two dancers on stage bend and hurtle through to the syncopated pulse of the back beat.
"My wife really...this song! She said it..." Yixing says. He's massaging Lu Han's shoulder now, as if he doesn't know what to do with his hands but can't keep still. Lu Han doesn't blame him, unabashed in his hyper bouncing.
He has no idea how to tap dance, but he mimics Changmin's jazz lunges in the narrow strip of space he's trapped in by the seats in front of him. Yixing's grip on his shoulder isn't annoying, so he doesn't bother to shake him off. Yixing rolls his body along to the melody, a mellow imitation of Lu Han's exaggerated rendition of the choreography but melding into the movement with the ease of someone with a dancer's instinct.
Lu Han doesn't slow down until they transition into a ballad a few tracks later, chest heaving as he falls into the man beside him. Yixing doesn't flinch away, he just flops his arm in a loose hold around Lu Han's shoulders and pants in time to the thundering of Lu Han's heartbeat.
"What's the name of this song?" Yixing's whisper is clear, mouthed right into Lu Han's ear. Lu Han's neck twitches with the tingle his warm breath sparks on his skin but he doesn't mind the proximity. Lu Han feels the last twinges of resentment melt away as Yixing hums along to the ballad, adding a third line of harmony to the duet pouring from the sound system.
It might not mean much or anything at all to Yixing, but Lu Han feels like they've bonded, dancing along to the songs Lu Han could sing in his sleep and Yixing can only understand snatches of for the past hour. "Mm, this is "Baby Don't--""
"--"Don't Cry"," Yixing finishes in a sob that Lu Han can feel echo through his chest. "Sorry, I--this was Zizi's favorite song near the end..."
"Hey," it's ok, Lu Han wants murmur as he strokes careful fingers through Yixing's hair. He can feel the warning signs of impending tears burning at the back of his throat and in the pit of his stomach, but Lu Han never cries in public. Not even for Yunho oppa.
Yixing's head hits Lu Han's shoulder, just a gentle brush until a soft touch from Lu Han's fingers at his temple pull him closer and he settles with a shaky sigh, breath still warm against Lu Han's neck.
"...listened to it every night together before I left the hospital," Yixing says, his voice sticky with unshed tears. Lu Han can hear his voice clearer than ever, the tones vibrating into his chest and up into his ears.
"Oh..." Lu Han can't tear his eyes away from the mournful glow on Changmin's face, the way the tendons in his neck stand out when he sustains his high notes with effortless lifts of his voice. The swirl of emotion is his heart is beating in time with Yixing's shuddering breaths though, in counterpoint to the rhythm pulsing in the air around them. It doesn't feel off, though. Lu Han can feel the layers of his sympathy and his fighting spirit echoing in a complex fugue of feelings and memories as Yixing weeps grief into the collar of his T-shirt.
Lu Han can feel Zishan's presence beside them, can feel the outline of her smile pressed against his cheek though he has no idea what she even looks like. It'll sound absolutely ridiculous when he tries to explain the experience to Minseok on Monday when he asks with an eyebrow wiggle how the concert was. Maybe Lu Han will just smile and say, 'good'.
He pulls Yixing in closer, his chest leaning into Lu Han's side til he can feel every breath expand against his own lungs. "Is she...is she still in the hospital? Is that why...?" Lu Han feels a trickle of cold guilt, salty with regret, slide down the back of his throat, gilding his gut like quicksilver on the way down. When Yixing had said he was coming in his wife's place, Lu Han had never considered the possibility that she might have asked him to, that he might have braved the crush of a crowd roaring for something he didn't even understand out of love for someone who wanted to be there but couldn't make it in person.
"Mm, no." Yixing shifts his head against Lu Han's shoulder in a slight shake and Lu Han ruffles his hair with a burst of emotion going off like a firecracker in his gut. "She came home from the oncology clinic two months ago. I visit her grave every weekend."
Lu Han doesn't have words to express, to counteract, the cold grief that seals his sympathy into Yixing's as he meshes their fingers together in a tight grip.
"I bring her her favorite lattes and update her on fanboard news. Sometimes I play...fancams if no one's...and, yeah."
The heartfelt strains of the "Sakuramichi" medley blend into the uplifting melody of "Hug", and Lu Han cradles Yixing to his chest. He might be the only dry eyed fan in the audience by this point, but Lu Han's insides are melting all over the place, dissolved in a force of empathy of and amazement by the echoes of Yixing's soft voice and an even more overwhelming realization of what he's always believed in--the power of music and love for TVXQ manifested in a common expression in this space to draw hearts together, allowing souls to soar and heal and bond in a way Lu Han will never be able to explain to anyone in words, not even another die hard Cassie.
But maybe Yixing understands what he's feeling when he raises their heads and their eyes meet--Lu Han's heart throbs with the hope that his new friend understands, and he laughs aloud when Yixing smiles and nods, wiping away his own tears.
The hollow drumbeat of "Rising Sun" starts to echo across the auditorium and Lu Han roars with the rising voice of the crowd. "Here!" He grabs Yixing's hand, yanking it away from the hold in the waist of his T-shirt to press his Secret Code light stick into his hand. Yixing accepts the stick with a bewildered blink and Lu Han fumbles to switch it on with impatient fingers.
The muscle memory of the ingrained choreo is aching in his limbs to be danced out. He drops his hands from Yixing's when the light stick flutters to life. He rations his use of his first fan good, only turning it on for special moments, but tonight is definitely a special moment. The red bleeds into full glow a moment later as Yixing follows Lu Han's lead, bending his body to the powerful beat and making up a new dance as he goes.
Lu Han's laughter bubbles into the notes streaming from his throat as he watches Yixing dance. The red cylinder in his fist illuminates his features with the light of a secret sunrise, and Lu Han can't look away, even though he's been looking forward to watching Yunho and Changmin sweat and scream their way through this number for weeks.
The high of feelings lifting Lu Han's limbs on the surf of red light doesn't fade from his heart, even as the music flows in and out through the rest of the songs on the setlist, ending with a few slower--though no less emotional--ballads at the very end. Yixing keeps one arm looped around Lu Han's waist as he laughs along through the final VCR and ment, Lu Han translating the meaning of each inside joke and painful allusion to fandom history as best as he can.
"Wow," Yixing whispers in Lu Han's ear as they wave goodbye to Firecracker Fangirl, the rows emptying like the fallout of sparks from a weeping willow firework now that the show has finished in a tearful song of thankfulness and love shared between the idols and their fans.
The tears and the gratitude are far from over, though. "Wow," Lu Han nods, his head cradled against Yixing's shoulder now as they merge into the crowd heading for the exits. He's not going to forget tonight, the tapestry of harmonies and shared stories bonded to the threads of his soul with infrared heat.
"Zi really wanted to attend this concert, because Yunho said that this might be the last one for awhile, you know."
Lu Han nodded and found Yixing's fingers with his hand again, comforted by the continuing glow of their light sticks bobbing in the crowd.
“I knew how much their hard work and dedication to their music meant to my wife, but I never comprehended... What kind of struggles have these two men gone through? Burning up life force on stage to hold this concert. They were shining tonight, weren't they?"
"They're really stars," Lu Han nods along, swallowing down the ache and warmth knotting up his throat as he sways against Yixing's chest in the slow movement of the river of fans. "They shine with contentment as long as everyone who came to support them shares their happiness."
"Yeah, I--I didn't understand it when I was a kid, why this--this kind of fandom has such a positive and touching force, but--" Lu Han sucks in a shaky breath, surprised that he's actually trying to explain his inner response to a concert to someone--but then he remembers that Yixing isn't Minseok, Yixing experienced the same moment alongside him tonight. "I understand it more each time I come to concert, but tonight!" Lu Han laughs, his face glowing with warmth when Yixing's answering laughter echoes into him.
"Tonight is amazing," Yixing says in his ear. "I will tell my wife how stunning Yunho and Changmin are, and the enthusiasm of the fans. I finally understand why Zi said she loved this atmosphere.”
Yixing hiccups out a forceful sob and Lu Han shifts in his embrace to hug him chest to chest. "You better keep my light stick, ok? Bring it to Zishan and tell her to keep good care of it. It's from the second-to-last time TVXQ stood on stage as five."
"Ok," Yixing chokes out with an earnest nod, though Lu Han doesn't even know if he knew there were more than two original members. The light in Yixing's eyes assures him down to the deep waters of his soul that Yixing will protect the light stick like a treasure, regardless.
They walk through the exit into the balmy evening air, heading for the parking lot hand in hand and Lu Han doesn't care who sees them do it. When Minseok asks on Monday how his weekend was Lu Han will just insist on dragging him to the next concert. Minseok can sit on Lu Han's left and Yixing on Lu Han's right and it will be awesome. TVXQ concerts always are, so Lu Han has no doubt Minseok will become the next convert and join the constellation of souls united in the love of heart changing harmony.
He can't be more amazed by the gift of friendship he's been blessed with in the form of Yixing, and he can't wait to introduce him to rest of fandom.