(no subject)
Title: Unfair
Author/artist: lamentado
Rating: G
Pairing: Kouichi x Raimei
Genre: Romance…?
Notes/warnings: WARNING. THERE IS AN EXTREME LACK OF KOUICHI X RAIMEI IN THIS COMM. SELF-DESTRUCT IN 3 …. 2 …..
Oh yeah and I wrote this in like, half an hour. It's not the best, but... eh. D:
I keep telling myself that I was right. That she was wrong, and that I took the right path. It doesn’t matter what I did, though. It's all the same in the end. I suffer, either way.
Shifting in my seat, I turned to stare at the scenery rushing past, the sound of clacking train tracks filling my ears as I convinced myself that this was for the best. The fact seemed to be blocked by a plethora of memories. No, the handful of memories I had with her was nothing compared to all the experiences I contained in my mind. They seemed to be so much bigger though.... her smiles blocking all my reasoning and logic.
She was warm, and smelled sweet like cherries with a stale hint of metallic sword on her hands. I wished she were still in my arms, so I could bury my face in her golden locks. I wished her arms were still around my neck, so she could warm my cold body.
Shijima glared at me sideways when she noticed me shivering. My discomfort was wholly ignored after that little gesture. For good reason. I was betraying her, in a way. It wasn't fair to Shijima that at a time like this, I was having second thoughts. Of all times, to have second thoughts when death was just between our fingertips.
It was unfair, most importantly, to Raimei-san. She deserved someone who was whole, and human. Someone who wasn’t chasing after death and wishing he were dead. There would be another way, she said. A way other than the accursed jutsu that had brought me into this world. If I happened to spend all my life searching for that way… then she would certainly be lonely. And I would never subject her to a life of finding the way to rid someone she loved of their life. I don't think she'd want to do it anyway. Was there another way to live? I didn't know. Death had been my only goal up until now. This new facet of life was foreign to me. Did I want to explore it- forsake the end of my tedious existence so I could understand it? ... No.
It was unfair to me. The fleeting time I would have with her before her human life ran out would plague me forever. For an eternity, I would suffer- living when she was gone. Wishing she were with me, years and years after she passed away. What would I do when her life was spent, and mine was not? What would I do when I would have no escape from my unending sorrow, my well of grief, at being alone yet again? I would be forced to live without her.
That wasn’t possible anymore.
So I needed to die, while I still had her.
I had spent quite a many generations, sidestepping admirers, protecting my heart from this excruciating pain that was probably that phenomenon they called “breaking”. She’d smashed through my shields, and no matter how many times I glued them back together, they’d tremble at the thought of her, and crumble at the sight of her. I wanted so much to stay in this world. I thought that, even just for fifty, sixty some odd years that were completely insignificant compared to my total lifespan… I thought it’d be okay to spend another hundred years on my own.
I couldn’t subject Shijima to that. I lowered my eyes.
For the first time in a long time… For the first time since I started this long journey to find my end…
I wanted so much to live.
“You really like her, huh?” Shijima’s deadpan voice interrupted my thoughts and I turned to look at her. She was disgruntled, a dangerous look in her eyes as I wondered what had brought about this expression.
The cool sensation on my cheeks was more than enough to tell me what had angered her though. I laughed easily, though anyone who had been by my side for as long as Shijima could easily tell it was my fake laugh. The laugh I used when talking about the fact that I would never die. The laugh I used around humans who would someday leave me behind. The laugh I had always used with Raimei-san. Her face showed deeper displeasure as she furrowed her brow and straightened her lips into a stubborn line. Of course she didn't like that I was using that laugh with her.
I took off my glasses and wiped my eyes off on the back of my sleeve, contemplating an answer, “…. It’s kinda nice.”
Shijima tilted her head in confusion, and I looked up, wondering if that cat had ever known this heart-wrenching yet fulfilling emotion, rather than just watching on the outside like she always did.
“The feeling of being happy you’re alive.”
Author/artist: lamentado
Rating: G
Pairing: Kouichi x Raimei
Genre: Romance…?
Notes/warnings: WARNING. THERE IS AN EXTREME LACK OF KOUICHI X RAIMEI IN THIS COMM. SELF-DESTRUCT IN 3 …. 2 …..
Oh yeah and I wrote this in like, half an hour. It's not the best, but... eh. D:
I keep telling myself that I was right. That she was wrong, and that I took the right path. It doesn’t matter what I did, though. It's all the same in the end. I suffer, either way.
Shifting in my seat, I turned to stare at the scenery rushing past, the sound of clacking train tracks filling my ears as I convinced myself that this was for the best. The fact seemed to be blocked by a plethora of memories. No, the handful of memories I had with her was nothing compared to all the experiences I contained in my mind. They seemed to be so much bigger though.... her smiles blocking all my reasoning and logic.
She was warm, and smelled sweet like cherries with a stale hint of metallic sword on her hands. I wished she were still in my arms, so I could bury my face in her golden locks. I wished her arms were still around my neck, so she could warm my cold body.
Shijima glared at me sideways when she noticed me shivering. My discomfort was wholly ignored after that little gesture. For good reason. I was betraying her, in a way. It wasn't fair to Shijima that at a time like this, I was having second thoughts. Of all times, to have second thoughts when death was just between our fingertips.
It was unfair, most importantly, to Raimei-san. She deserved someone who was whole, and human. Someone who wasn’t chasing after death and wishing he were dead. There would be another way, she said. A way other than the accursed jutsu that had brought me into this world. If I happened to spend all my life searching for that way… then she would certainly be lonely. And I would never subject her to a life of finding the way to rid someone she loved of their life. I don't think she'd want to do it anyway. Was there another way to live? I didn't know. Death had been my only goal up until now. This new facet of life was foreign to me. Did I want to explore it- forsake the end of my tedious existence so I could understand it? ... No.
It was unfair to me. The fleeting time I would have with her before her human life ran out would plague me forever. For an eternity, I would suffer- living when she was gone. Wishing she were with me, years and years after she passed away. What would I do when her life was spent, and mine was not? What would I do when I would have no escape from my unending sorrow, my well of grief, at being alone yet again? I would be forced to live without her.
That wasn’t possible anymore.
So I needed to die, while I still had her.
I had spent quite a many generations, sidestepping admirers, protecting my heart from this excruciating pain that was probably that phenomenon they called “breaking”. She’d smashed through my shields, and no matter how many times I glued them back together, they’d tremble at the thought of her, and crumble at the sight of her. I wanted so much to stay in this world. I thought that, even just for fifty, sixty some odd years that were completely insignificant compared to my total lifespan… I thought it’d be okay to spend another hundred years on my own.
I couldn’t subject Shijima to that. I lowered my eyes.
For the first time in a long time… For the first time since I started this long journey to find my end…
I wanted so much to live.
“You really like her, huh?” Shijima’s deadpan voice interrupted my thoughts and I turned to look at her. She was disgruntled, a dangerous look in her eyes as I wondered what had brought about this expression.
The cool sensation on my cheeks was more than enough to tell me what had angered her though. I laughed easily, though anyone who had been by my side for as long as Shijima could easily tell it was my fake laugh. The laugh I used when talking about the fact that I would never die. The laugh I used around humans who would someday leave me behind. The laugh I had always used with Raimei-san. Her face showed deeper displeasure as she furrowed her brow and straightened her lips into a stubborn line. Of course she didn't like that I was using that laugh with her.
I took off my glasses and wiped my eyes off on the back of my sleeve, contemplating an answer, “…. It’s kinda nice.”
Shijima tilted her head in confusion, and I looked up, wondering if that cat had ever known this heart-wrenching yet fulfilling emotion, rather than just watching on the outside like she always did.
“The feeling of being happy you’re alive.”